Mar
16
2025

When You’re the Glue Holding Everyone Together — and You’re Exhausted

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A very personal, transparent post.

You know how sometimes you hold it together because you have to?

Because if you let go, something will fall and break?

Because if you stop moving, everything will come to a screeching halt and crash?

Because if you show your real feelings, others will reel in pain?

Because if you aren’t the glue, everyone comes undone and that is worse than being the glue?

So therefore, you aren’t really holding it together because you have to, but because you CHOOSE to, because you know it is the right thing to do, for the moment, for the season.

Well, I have chosen to hold it together for at least eight years, arguably thirteen. There have been moments where I have sighed and had some relief. Moments where I *gasp* dared to think to myself, “Yes, this is it. I’m done holding it together. We’re in the clear.” Hardy, har, har, har. NOT! I realized Thursday morning that those moments? They weren’t really as full as I thought. Thursday morning I realized what an enormous weight I’ve been carrying around all these years.

One of loneliness. Exhaustion. Doubt. Worry. Oh, oh such an intense worry. Sadness. Pain. It is a weight that comes with having a child that is neurodivergent and not widely accepted. (I write that with 100% approval and encouragement by my child by the way.) And this morning, I realize there are weights I carry in being a mom of divorce. Weights I hadn’t fully acknowledged to myself. Weights I cannot write about. Weights I need to work to put down because they are equally exhausting and equally filling me with fear.

I’m tired, my friends. Not just because I recently had shingles. But because of the weights I carry. It is no surprise that I got shingles twice within 8 months. Stress brought it on, I have no doubt. The pressures in my life right now, the demands, are immense. They are (mostly) easy to see and can be managed. They are just A LOT. They take a lot of time, planning, and mental management.

And they are compounded by the invisible stressors, the invisible weights we carry. The invisible weights are so much harder to manage. They can only be managed when we do the work to acknowledge them…FULLY. Like fully, fully.

But let’s be real…it can be hard to do so because they are sooo heavy and yucky. Thursday morning I found myself EXHAUSTED beyond words. I was so confused as to why. I slept well. The night before had been GLORIOUS. Beautiful. Hopeful. Incredible beyond words. It was then I realized all the “mental weight” I had been carrying for thirteen years regarding my son. All the weight I had not fully acknowledged on a deep, deep level…because I couldn’t.

Wednesday night my incredible, neurodivergent son was honored as an “Unsung Hero” in our community. One senior per high school in our county was selected.

He was seen for more than his “label.” He was seen for who he truly is. He was seen for who he is today and how far he has come. He was seen for his heart, his compassion, his resilience. He was seen in a way so many people don’t dare to see him, because they are stuck in the past, they are stuck on labels. He made it. We made it.

And actually, he didn’t just make it. He friggin’ crushed it and then some. He inspired people along the way. He’s changed lives. He is a beacon of hope. Truly. Thursday morning I finally put down one heck of a heavy weight. And my body has collapsed in exhaustion. I will share more as I recover. I have run a marathon with this dear child in ways I haven’t shared. It takes a toll.

But I have held it together because I had to, because I chose to. And I have kept it all in to mostly myself, because if I dared to fully acknowledge what I felt, I wouldn’t have kept running alongside my son, cheering for him and he needed a cheerleader. I gladly played that role; as we all do for our children. I always believed in him, even when others didn’t.

Yesterday was admitted college student’s day. He is becoming a special education teacher. As he says, it is his turn to give back to others, the way a few very special teachers gave to him. 

Recovery is a beautiful journey. It can be equally long and exhausting though because you must still heal from the past. Because you must let go of your past identity and embrace your new identity. I am rebuilding. I am breaking through. And I am exhausted.

And I still have other weights to put down…not to mention the new weights I gained yesterday as I accepted that come fall I will be letting him fly as a college student. This mom’s heart is oh so proud and oh so heavy and oh so light at the same time. This woman’s heart is oh so hopeful and oh so heavy and oh so light at the same time. And hence, she is exhausted. And coming a little undone;) And that is okay. It is more than okay.

There are seasons to hold it together and there are seasons to not. Both are beautiful and have their purpose. Where are you?

Here’s to breaking down, re-building and breaking through to where we want to go and who we want to be.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you too know the feeling of carrying extra weight because of some extra parenting – or life – challenges. With so much love, understanding, and encouragement,

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Feb
22
2025

Never Underestimate the Power of a Small Act of Kindness

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PSA: Never underestimate the power of an act of kindness. Ever. Also, controversial post coming. Kinda. For some it is, for me, it is so far from it.

My day started out pretty rough yesterday, hence no post. I will share about it tomorrow when I am one more day removed from it.

Today I will share what helped me come out of the gray patch. **** It was 5:15am and tears were running down my face. I tried my hardest to recover. To pull myself out of, well, some pretty cruddy, self-defeating, do me no good feelings. The struggle was real and I wasn’t winning. I called my mom to share one thousand different thoughts about all sorts of things and she said to me, “Well, you know what The Orange Rhino would say, right?” I knew where she was going.

My mom is wayyy more overly positive than I am. I am more realist than she is. Yes, yes I am an optimist. Yes, yes I look for the positive, for the bright spots. Absolutely, positive-friggin-lutely. (Yes, yes I also have a wee bit of a sailor’s mouth, sorry!) However, I also, unapologetically, believe that it is 1000% okay to admit to and fully feel the feels FIRST before seeing the positive, before being an optimist.

In fact, I emphatically believe it is necessary. And I told my mom that. “MOM. NO. That is not what The Orange Rhino would say. She would say, it is okay to not feel happy right this moment. It is okay to not be able to see the bright spots right now because sometimes, sometimes LIFE IS JUST HARD. Sometimes life just HURTS. Sometimes, sometimes no matter how many mental health tricks we try, no matter how well we talk to ourselves, no matter how well we process and rationalize what has happened, IT STILL STINKS and in the moment there is no bright spot.

The Orange Rhino would say, mom, to feel that, to honor that, to hold space for those feelings so they can breathe…SO THAT I CAN BREATHE and not be suffocated by the pain, the hurt, the disappointment. The Orange Rhino would say, let it out, let it flow freely so it can flow through you and you can move forward, a little bit lighter because it is THEN that you can see the bright spots and have space, MORE SPACE to let them in and fully embrace them.”

“Okay,” my mom said. “Yep. Got it.”

Y’all, my mom is reading this;) so here’s a bright spot for her;) at least I had someone to call. I know many of you will read this and wish you still had your mom to call. Hugs to you. And mom, here is another bright spot for ya. And here’s where the PSA comes into play. I hope The Orange Rhino I’m writing about is reading this! Not two hours after I got home, I saw a car I didn’t recognize driving past my house.

Our house number is not exactly easy to find. Y’all. Yesterday was my birthday and this Orange Rhino, a most wonderful person who I know from here and there but have never had the honor of actually grabbing lunch or coffee with, just chatting with at exercise class or in the bleachers, was at my door with flowers. She didn’t know about my morning. She was just being herself. Thoughtful. Kind.

And it turned my ENTIRE DAY around. It made me feel seen, loved. It gave me hope. One act. Probably took here ten, maybe fifteen minutes.

And it changed hours of my life. Take the time. Do the act. For someone else, or for yourself. The investment is worth it. I guarantee it. Be the warm, bright in someone’s day. You won’t regret it. And while you’re at. Be real and true to yourself. You won’t regret it.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you are needing a friend to show up at your door right now with flowers. Please know, that if I won the lottery today, I would be sending flowers to all of you daily to let you know I see you, I get you, and I’m rooting for you.

xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino

Jan
26
2025

Why You Shouldn’t Put Off Your Own Doctor Appointments

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I had an unexpected medical procedure Friday afternoon. Nothing serious but…it sidelined me, has sidelined me a bit. It has forced me to sit all weekend and rest as I am physically uncomfortable. All this said, a few takeaways that are floating around in my mind that I thought I’d share. Don’t put off doctor’s appointments. Your care matters just as much as your kid’s care. I know, I know. Annoying to hear but I care and so I’m lovingly putting it out there.

I had scheduled and rescheduled and rescheduled this appointment because of kids and life and then never rescheduled it. Ooops. Should have had the appointment years ago. I’m lucky nothing serious happened these past too many years to count. Note to self: Ruminating and worrying does no good. The appointment was supposed to be a consult about whether or not to do the procedure (sorry to be vague, it’s just a weird situation).

If it had been an actual appointment for the procedure, I wouldn’t have gone because I would’ve talked myself out of it out of fear. I would’ve told myself the current pain was okay, manageable. However, this doctor, this new, lovely, kind, gentle doctor explained everything. The pros, the risks of not doing it (which are kinda high) the after care etc. She was so much nicer than a past doctor I met who was part of the reason I had hesitated to reschedule the appointment over the last few years.

This lovely doctor had time to do the procedure (well obviously Sheila lol,) so we did. And I made it through (again, duh) Had I had time to think about it, I would’ve worried myself right out of it. Anxiety is a beast. I struggle with it a lot. I’ve thought a lot this weekend about whether or not I was impulsive in saying yes to the procedure BUT then I say to myself, “Girl, if you thought more about it you would have said no out of fear.” Point being: anxiety is real but not always the best guide and not always right.

We can’t let it always win. Apparently, I’m not superwoman. I was feeling frustrated yesterday that I couldn’t do my daily walks which are so key to my feeling good. I had hopped on the treadmill and after one minute I was all, “yeah no, this ain’t happening.” I texted a friend who has supported my current health goals and she replied, “You need to rest. Your body needs to heal.” Wait, what? The procedure was quick – 10 minutes, maybe 15.

It was in office. It was minor. Heal? Rest? These words hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was going to go on as I normally do. I left the office walking. I drove myself home like no big deal.

Except it kinda was. I had local anesthesia for pain. And it still hurt LIKE HECK. And it was a biopsy which always takes a mental toll, you know? And again, shocker, I’m not superwoman;) Yes, I needed to rest and heal. I did not need to power through. Point being: sometimes the smallest things are still BIG and we don’t need to minimize them, but we still need to heal from them. Point being: sometimes we’re tired and can’t move forward because our body needs to heal and process from the inside – for reasons we know or don’t know…and we need to listen.

Point being: I’m so used to powering through and “doing it all” that slowing down – even when in pain – didn’t even dawn on me and that is an opener worth working on, big time, wouldn’t ya say?!

So there are my Sunday thoughts, from my cozy chair that seems to have my name written all over it this fine January. But hey, at least I have such a chair.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if any of these points hit close to home. You aren’t alone.

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Jan
05
2025

Why I Don’t Want to Pack Away All the Color After the Holidays

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As I sit here and enjoy the last morning by our tree until next December, I find myself wondering the same things I wonder every single year…

  1. Why do I wait until the calendar tells me it’s “time” to bring a little extra color, sparkle and joy to my family room?
  2. If I like having this little extra in my home, if it brings so much more positive energy to our room, why don’t we find a way to keep that feeling alive in said room all year long?
  3. Okay Sheila, you know when the tree is down in a few hours, and the decorations are all gone later this week, the house will feel a little more empty and blah. Happens every year. What action will you take this year to overcome that? The little extra magic and sparkle doesn’t need to be felt just during December and just because of holiday decorations. What can you change in the house, what NEEDS to change in the house, to keep these positive, upbeat vibes going year long? What needs to change so that every morning you are beckoned to go and sit in your chair and cozy up with your coffee and blanket and relax a bit? Start your day off slower, calmer, and therefore wayyy better.

ALSO, and this is important. What the heck is that small beeping, almost whistling that is somewhere in my family room that I can’t find?!!! That needs to go and not come back or be replicated or enhanced;) Seriously though.

It’s the same when we clean up for a party and we think, “why didn’t we do this before?” Or when we pack up to move and we think, “why didn’t we declutter before?” Why wait? Why wait for the special occasion? And why return to the old way just because said occasion is over?! Just some fun thoughts for a Sunday. Tell me…what positive vibes from the holidays would you wish to keep going year round?!

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you aren’t feeling as many positive vibes as you wish right now.

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Dec
18
2024

Sometimes Life Is Hard “Just Because” — No Explanation Required

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What if? What if we don’t explain away why we feel what we feel, what if we don’t analyze why we’re crying again, but instead we simply say, “it’s Just Because.” And by this we mean, sometimes our feelings and our response simply reflect that life is hard sometimes.

After I shared with you all yesterday about my frustrating medical situation, I dropped the kids off at school and came home to read an email with more frustrating news. “Ugh. Why can’t anything be easy?!” I said out loud, maybe a little too loud. Hope, my dog, looked at me. She was frustrated too. We were off schedule because I had to wait for a worker to come to the house. As soon as the worker came and I got them settled, Hope and I headed out in the oddly warm December weather.

My mind immediately returned to thoughts about how nothing was going smoothly lately. “It’s not that I feel like a victim. No, no this isn’t victim mentality.” I thought to myself. “It’s just, I *wish* things could go a little easier. I *wish* I wasn’t bumping into so many barriers.” I found myself tearing up. It reminded me of the day before when something happened and tears started to form.

Before my son could say anything I said to him, “I know, I know, I’m crying again. It’s what I do lately. The tears just flow.” He laughed and replied, “You beat me to it.” I continued my walk, wondering why I cry so easily lately.

Before my brain could even go there, I said to myself… “Girl, I know you like to analyze everything and have an explanation for everything. But sometimes, sometimes there isn’t an explanation -OR- sometimes one isn’t needed. You don’t need to say ‘it’s what you do lately’ and right now you don’t need to explain away your tears by blaming perimenopause. Just be. Let yourself cry JUST BEcause your body needs to. Just because life is hard sometimes and that’s okay. Sure hormones make it easier to cry 😉 but that’s not always the trigger or even the only trigger.

Life. Life can be a trigger. Life can be hard, and overwhelming and exhausting. Period. Yes, life is good. Sure, everyday should feel good. But sometimes it doesn’t. It’s okay that tears seep out as a response. Let them.”

I sighed a sigh of relief, of feeling free, of feeling more accepted by myself. It’s not that I have anything against crying, I don’t. You all know that. Crying is needed – it’s a way of the body cleansing itself, of helping calm itself, so it doesn’t burst. It’s just, anytime I explained away my tears I also invalidated my feelings. I didn’t leave room for my feelings or experience.

Blaming every tear on a hormonal week or perimenopause, or even exhaustion, didn’t give me a chance to see if something else was going on. Something else that needed space to be seen and fully felt. The rest of my walk was nice and peaceful. I mean 50 degrees in December in NJ? Yes please! The minute I got home a friend called and we started chatting about how exhausted we are from parenting and well, everything 😉 Ironically (or not) we ended up talking about how tears just seem to be natural lately.

She was like “why? just why?” I replied, “Just Because life can be freakin’ hard.” We laughed because we were both also so tired of everything being blamed on anything but our real experience in life. Life can be good. Everyday can have moments that feel good. And also, it can be hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong but just because, it can be a lot. Remember that.

So just keep being you. Keep showing up the best you can in the moment, tears or no tears. You’re doing great.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and also sending tissues (the nice kind with aloe added so your skin doesn’t get rough). Thinking of you all,

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Dec
17
2024

When You “Should” Feel Joyful but You Just Feel Flat

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Truth time. I *should* be full of joy. I have so many reasons to be. Truly. More reasons than usual actually. And yet, I’m feeling a wee bit flat. I was rocking and rolling until last Thursday morning when the wind got knocked out of me, metaphorically speaking. Since then, it’s been a battle to re-energize myself for long periods of time. The good moments come, I laugh, I smile, I feel the joy and then I go flat again.

Actually, if I’m going to be honest, ever since Thanksgiving it’s been a battle. The holiday season can be tough, especially as a single mom. I try to pretend it isn’t. I try to pretend that all the magic of the season makes it okay, but the truth is, it can be tough.

But the last week has made it extra tough and I’m feeling blech galore. (AND there is an uplifting morale of the post here, have no fear.) I got my 48 hour seizure test results back Wednesday night. As expected, I’m not having seizures. No surprise. What wasn’t expected?

Well, that I would have to fight to get a disc of the video recordings from the test. You see, I’ve been trying for years, at least four, probably five, to capture my symptoms on video so that I can get an actual diagnosis and thus actual help. It’s been like catching a leprechaun. Impossible! Out of the blue, all of a sudden, my body spasms. Big time. Arms, legs, neck.

And it hurts. Like whiplash level hurts. This recent test actually caught five episodes. FIVE. And the office is fighting to give me, ME, the person in the videos, access to the data. Don’t get me started.

I’m exhausted.
I’ve been fighting for years.
I’ve been fighting to be seen as an individual.
I’ve been fighting to be heard, really heard.
I’ve been fighting to be taken seriously, to not be judged as just having anxiety.
I’ve been fighting to be believed.
I’ve been fighting to be helped.

I’m this close and yet a new battle has arisen. One that shouldn’t exist. Did I mention I’m exhausted? I just want to quit the fight and accept that I will have to deal with these symptoms. I feel so defeated. And angry. And did I mention, tired? And yet, and yet, I won’t stop. I won’t quit.

When I got the call back Thursday that “they weren’t able to make the disc” because bs reason, bs reason, bs reason, I didn’t call back. It would have been the third call that day. I just didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have it in me to stay patient. To stay kind. To stay rational. And so, I’m resting. I’m rebuilding my reservoir of kindness and patience.

When I call back, I want to have a productive phone call. I want to be able to have a good chance of getting people to want to work with me, instead of not wanting to help me at all. I’m still not rested enough, or removed enough from my absolute frustration.

And it doesn’t help that this holiday can be lonely and exhausting. The feelings of the season match the health situation. I want to quit a lot there too 🙂 My kids didn’t want to help with the tree to the extent they usually do so I wanted to say forgettabout it.

But I didn’t. I just waited until they were ready. I’m creating a lot of my own holiday energy and magic and it’s hard. It makes me want to say I quit this season and yet… I won’t stop trying to create joy. I won’t quit the holiday. I won’t give up on what matters to me. But I will allow myself to feel what I’m feeling so I can help it pass through my system.

So I can shake it out – spasm it out as my body likes to do, hurt it all;) So that I can find my way back to more joyful feelings. (Well at least for longer period of time!!!) What about you? How are you doing this time of year that can be demanding, exhausting and tough for oh so many reasons?!

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are fighting something, anything, and are finding it hard to keep the energy going.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Dec
04
2024

How to Bring the Feeling of the Beach Home When You Don’t Live There

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I don’t live at the beach. I live one hour away from a decent beach, two hours away from my favorite beach, and a four hour plane ride away from a tropical beach.

But oh, oh I dream of living at the beach and waking up to the sound of the waves and the colors of an orange and pink sunrise. The beach is my happy place. My sanctuary. It’s the place where stress instantly leaves my body, my thoughts instantly settle, my mind instantly finds clarity or creativity, and my whole being instantly finds peace.

Since I currently can’t up and move to the beach, and quite frankly I don’t think I will ever be able to afford my dream oceanfront beach house, I decided to make my house in the suburbs, a beach house.

There have been a few times when I have asked friends and neighbors who are designers to help me pick out a new couch or curtains because I was overwhelmed with too many little kids 😉 They asked about colors and this and that. I always answered, “I’m going for an ocean, beach feel. This is my beach house.”

Every time the answer was, “But this isn’t a beach house.”

Every time I answered, “I know, but it’s my beach house.”

This past summer, I saw this pillow and I immediately bought it. It now sits in my front hall for everyone to see when they walk in the door. It cracks me up and brings me so, so much joy. I was somewhat sad to pack it away last night as I put out the Christmas pillows. (You all know how much I love, and live for, decorating for Christmas.) In fact, I took it right back out.

My house is a beach house year round because it makes me happy. I don’t care what anyone thinks. Life is what we make it. What we dream it to be. IF we let it be that. IF we don’t succumb to other’s rules of how we should live. IF we stand by what we want and don’t people please. 

Same with our homes. Our homes, our homes are what we make them, are what we want them to be, what we need them to be. They don’t need to be fancy or decorative or on trend. They need to make us feel happy, warm. Hopefully they can feel like a sanctuary and bring us peace.

Whether it be from the paint colors or the softness of the couch.
Or the systems we use to ease the chaos of the day to day.
Or from the people we love and the memories we create together.
Or even from us, and the energy we bring because we’re living a life we love, and living by following our hearts, our wishes. I’m working on creating a life I love so that that energy flows over into our home.

I’m also working on making my home, our home, feel like a sanctuary. This community is one piece of my plan;) This pillow is just one piece of my home plan!

But it’s an important piece. It might say “Welcome to our Beach House” but what it also says is, “Welcome to a ‘Believe in Yourself’ and ‘What You Need to Feel Good’ House.” This pillow is such a beautiful reminder of how good it feels to follow my heart. And by the way, everyone smiles when they walk in and see it;) The irony isn’t lost and in fact, I think it’s admired. What have you done recently to follow your heart, despite what others said, and as a result found peace and joy?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too, like me, are working every day to listen to your heart more and more and listen less to others’ “should’s.”

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Nov
18
2024

When Life Feels Hard and You’re Afraid to Say It Out Loud

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I’ve had a hard couple of days. And not just because it took me way longer to fully get better than I hoped. And not just because this meant that I couldn’t do things that helped me be in a good mind space: exercise, walk outside, hang with friends.

But because I’m having a hard time with this thing called LIFE. Time for transparency 🙂 (And pause. Do I dare share how I really feel right now? Will I be misunderstood? Judged? Do I want to be this vulnerable? I don’t know. Let’s write and see what comes out. Don’t you all love how I talk to myself midpost lol?)

I’m “bored.”

I’m finding life to be monotonous; everyday is the same ole, same ole. It’s uninspiring, unfulfilling. It’s anything but fun. The daily grind is simply weighing me down right now. I have so many daily needs that I have to get to that I can’t get to what I want to get to 🙁

I’m frustrated.

I’m finding parenting my four teens to be a never ending question of “is it ever going to click?” All of them are having me questioning my parenting, myself, right now. Frustrating is an understatement. I know I am a good parent and yet…and yet…really guys?!!!

I’m worried.

I’m finding myself not where I hoped I’d be work wise or finance wise by now. I’m finding myself wondering if many aspects of my life will work out okay, especially my kiddos.

I’m tired.

I’m finding it takes a lot of energy to keep going, to remain engaged, when one is bored, frustrated and worried. Like a lot, a lot. It’s hard to stay upbeat and energetic when one doesn’t have a lot of sources of positive, uplifting moments.

Right now, life is depleting, not giving. Or rather, it is taking more than it’s giving. This place gives me a lot:) but the rest of life is simply taking at a rapid pace and I can’t keep up.

So I guess you could summarize all of this with…

I’m struggling.

I realized this weekend that some of what I need to help me is what I’m missing: laughter, fun, in person human connection and clarity. I can’t make the daily grind disappear. I can’t change my kiddos current actions. I can’t make my life journey go any faster.

But I can add and create some positive oomph to my days. I can proactively add some orange energy to warm up the grayness. I can make plans with friends. I can watch a funny movie. I can adjust my exercise to give me more energy. I can reflect on my goals to get more clarity. I am struggling, but I can take action so that the struggle doesn’t win.

I’ve been there before, where the struggle won. I started yelling again. I stopped seeing as much beauty around me. It was blech. I don’t plan on going back there again. I’ve got one toe in that zone. The good news? I’m aware.

And I know what I gotta do. The other good news? I know where I want to go, I know where I don’t want to go and I know what I want to feel. I feel positive and hopeful that while I might still struggle, because I am human after all and these seasons happen, I will be okay. I will keep going.

And I guess I will post this after all. At least for a couple of minutes while I debate if it should stay up 😉 So, what will you do today to energize yourself and wrap yourself in positive energy so that the daily grind doesn’t win and bring you down?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are feeling bored, worried, tired or any of what I shared above. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

*remember, I’m not a mental health expert. This is just me sharing my human experience. If you are having a hard time in life, know you aren’t alone and if you feel like you need help, please reach out to a professional for support. There is no shame in doing so. I talk to a therapist weekly 🙂 xoxo

Oct
31
2024

ADHD Masking: What It Looks Like to Spend Years Hiding How Hard Things Are

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It’s Halloween and also the last day of October which is ADHD Awareness month so…perfect time for me to talk about masks. Even if you don’t have ADHD, please have a read, for me, for the kids who do. Kids will wear masks later today to be someone different – if even just for a little while.

Maybe they will pick that character because it’s fun, or scary, or just plain cool.

Or maybe they will pick it because it is so nice to take a break from being themselves.

Or maybe they will pick it because they don’t want to be noticed by classmates while they try to enjoy trick or treating, because in school the classmates give them a hard time because they have ADHD.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they don’t stop talking.

Maybe the classmates tease the kid because the teacher always calls them out for not paying attention.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they make lots of small social snafus because their brain is going so fast it misses part of the conversation (or because their brain is developing differently, in general.) Who knows.

But what I do know? What really makes me want to yell? Is the lack of understanding around ADHD and more so the lack of understanding and empathy for those who have it – kids and adults alike.

And it’s the stigma around it. Oh the stigma and assumptions! ARGH!

“It’s not real.” Yes, yes it is. It is very, very real. It has lots of real challenges and lots of real upsides. Spend just an hour inside my brain and you’ll see.

“It’s all about physical hyperactivity.” Nope. For me? The hyperactivity is in my brain. My brain never stops going, ever. Like, did I mention ever?! It ruminates more than most and it is always coming up with new ideas. See? Challenges and upsides.

“It’s all because people don’t work hard enough to focus, to be disciplined, you name it.” Oh, oh we work hard. It’s all we do. Our efforts to focus and create new habits and follow systems that support us take us ADHDers more energy and many more attempts. It’s exhausting. Especially since said systems often need frequent tweaks to keep our brain on track.

“It doesn’t really impact one’s social life.” Yes, yes it does. It impacts friendships and relationships. I probably have lost a few friends because of my own social snafus and impulsively saying things I shouldn’t have. : ( My relationships are harder because of ADHD; because of losing focus, of forgetting things, of struggling with emotional regulation and being overwhelmed.

And that’s just me. –>I’m not talking about kids with ADHD who are truly left out. Having ADHD can be lonely. There is just so much to know about ADHD. I’m still learning. I’m a mom to four boys and several have ADHD. Learning about how to help myself, as a late diagnosis mom, while also learning to help them, while also knowing that we EACH have our different needs and tools? Well it’s enough to make my ADHD brain wanna explode. Overwhelming isn’t the word.

 And so I often feel shame. A lot of shame. Oh so much shame. Shame because there is such a gap in what I want to do and what I actually do, as a result of my ADHD brain. I know I’m a good mom and also, and also, I wish I had my diagnosis earlier so that I could have had a better handle on my symptoms earlier. So I could be better at helping my family.

But my diagnosis was only just recent because no one saw it or believed me when I started asking. Some said it’s because I wore the mask so well – because I worked so hard to get things right (to be organized, to be on time, to be successful, to be calm, whatever) that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD. I seemed to be doing well so how could I actually be struggling?

But oh did I ever and oh do I ever. And it’s exhausting. Working so hard to manage the symptoms and “keep up” is exhausting. Not to mention I have so much to learn and yet my older brain is struggling to take it all in. I’m determined though to keep learning, to keep supporting my kiddos the best I can, and to keep getting the word out about ADHD from my experience so that more people can take off their masks and breathe a little easier knowing that they’re not alone.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are adjusting to an ADHD diagnosis or love someone who has it. I know it’s a lot and I know a lot of people don’t understand that. I do. I really, really do.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

 

Side note? If it weren’t for my ADHD? This page probably wouldn’t exist lol. I mean Orange + Rhino? The amount of steps my brain took to get there, to connect totally random dots?!

LOVE it, total upside to ADHD.

Oct
28
2024

Weight, Comfort and Health: Why Starting Again Can Be Complicated

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Alright, gonna be upfront. This is a post about a struggle I’m having with my weight, although really, it’s not about my weight but my search for comfort and getting my brain to cooperate;)

***If this is a topic that might bother you, please stop reading it.This is not a shaming post nor is it a post saying we should all be thin. This is about my health journey per doctors who know about my entire medical story and needs.***

So here I go. I need to restart my journey. I declare it here, today, that I’m getting back on track. For me. For. Me. For my health. For my future. For my family. I was doing so well on my path to get my weight in a good place to help keep me from getting Type 2 Diabetes.

6 weeks ago I was at the lowest I had been in years, down 10 pounds and well on my way to the goal two doctors shared. It’s not that I’m unhealthy per say, it’s simply that the goal weight will really do my body good. That and well, the habits to get me there are desperately needed, in general. I will benefit from them, in general. 6 weeks ago, I literally felt so much pride and joy. Oh so much.

And then stress hit and it hit hard and with it, perimenopause came in like a wrecking ball. Perimenopause (or maybe even menopause) came in at a whole new level. Put the two together? OOF. Give me salty foods, sweet foods, alcohol during the week (instead of my 1 drink per weekend), carbs, you name it. Meal planning? Out the window. Eating leftover pizza and anything I could grab quickly? Ice cream, cheez its, you name it.

Bring it on. With pepperoni and hot fudge! I quickly noticed what was going on. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I tried so hard, but I just didn’t have the resolve. It seemed like I cared, but I didn’t? It was bizarre. Self-sabotage at its finest. It always happens – I start doing well and then I stop trying, I stop keeping up the habits that were making me feel oh so good. I start feeling cruddy all over – physically and emotionally.

It absolutely stinks. I figured it out the other day. The self-sabotage wasn’t intentional this time, it was just bad timing. It was poor stress management. You see, I was (am?) feeling out of control by all the challenges and stress in life. I’m trying so hard to handle many difficult situations, yet feeling like I’m not succeeding. Mentally it’s “why bother trying to work hard and do this and do that if I can’t make progress?” So then I’d go to eat something to feel better.

When I do, my mind says to me, “Come on Sheila, you know you want to avoid Type 2 Diabetes, you can do this, find a better way to comfort yourself.” But instead of listening, my mind replies with what it’s been saying to the stress, “Why bother? What’s the point?” Oops!

And then my brain adds the old thought that I know from my past experiences, the thought that it’s used to, “I’m just going to gain weight again anyways, it’s what always happens. I never succeed.” My brain isn’t used to the new success I’ve had. My brain isn’t fully used to the new habits and how they’ve stuck. Oof. My brain confused my lack of success with the stresses in life with my success with improving my health.

Knowing this new nugget is great. BUT THEN, I have to go to myself, okay, so now what? What do I do with this? Well, I need a substitution for the behavior.

When I want comfort from stress, what can I do instead of reaching for comfort food? Besides having a chat with myself, reminding myself that I’m mixing up my messages 😉 I asked myself this the other day. Oddly enough, the same day I was listening to a podcast about screen time. It said that people should ask themselves, “when they find themselves doom scrolling, they should say, ‘what do I need to feel better right now?'”

I put these two questions together and came to the question I always ask myself, WHAT DO I NEED? What do I REALLY, really need? This prompted me to think, what if I can’t get it, what I really, really need? What if what I need isn’t available? What if what I need is so deep and intangible that that’s why I’m reaching for, doing something tangible? What if what I need is a long vacation? Deeper connections, or at least more time with my good friends? Greater feelings of security, certainty?

As soon as I had this thought, I found myself sitting still (in my minivan of course) in total silence. It clicked. My needs are big right now and not entirely attainable at the level I crave. And so I take nibbles of them. I break off pieces of them.

I can’t get a vacation but I can look at pictures of old ones for a little while and reminisce and hear the ocean.

I can make plans with friends more often.

I can take one action towards managing my budget.

And, when I go for comfort food, I can say to myself, “I might want this…but what I really NEED is comfort. What will actually comfort me right now because this isn’t really gonna do it.”

Because it’s not. Within ten minutes I’ll feel crappy. Guaranteed. Micro-actions. That’s where it’s at. That’s where I will start today. (Along with a MACRO dose of grace and love for myself!!)

 What about you? What micro-action will you take today to help fulfill one of your needs?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you too are on a personal journey and feeling a little stuck. I believe in you and know and am right there with ya.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

 

***Reminder: it is easy to misinterpret what we read online without fully knowing a person, their full journey etc. That happened to me last time I wrote about this subject so I’d like to avoid that this go around.

I am not one to shame others nor am I one to say we all need perfect bodies. TRUST me. Please think of this before you comment negatively. I will remove without hesitation any comments that attempt to make me feel bad about myself.***