Alright, gonna be upfront. This is a post about a struggle I’m having with my weight, although really, it’s not about my weight but my search for comfort and getting my brain to cooperate;)
***If this is a topic that might bother you, please stop reading it.This is not a shaming post nor is it a post saying we should all be thin. This is about my health journey per doctors who know about my entire medical story and needs.***
So here I go. I need to restart my journey. I declare it here, today, that I’m getting back on track. For me. For. Me. For my health. For my future. For my family. I was doing so well on my path to get my weight in a good place to help keep me from getting Type 2 Diabetes.
6 weeks ago I was at the lowest I had been in years, down 10 pounds and well on my way to the goal two doctors shared. It’s not that I’m unhealthy per say, it’s simply that the goal weight will really do my body good. That and well, the habits to get me there are desperately needed, in general. I will benefit from them, in general. 6 weeks ago, I literally felt so much pride and joy. Oh so much.
And then stress hit and it hit hard and with it, perimenopause came in like a wrecking ball. Perimenopause (or maybe even menopause) came in at a whole new level. Put the two together? OOF. Give me salty foods, sweet foods, alcohol during the week (instead of my 1 drink per weekend), carbs, you name it. Meal planning? Out the window. Eating leftover pizza and anything I could grab quickly? Ice cream, cheez its, you name it.
Bring it on. With pepperoni and hot fudge! I quickly noticed what was going on. I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t stop myself. I tried so hard, but I just didn’t have the resolve. It seemed like I cared, but I didn’t? It was bizarre. Self-sabotage at its finest. It always happens – I start doing well and then I stop trying, I stop keeping up the habits that were making me feel oh so good. I start feeling cruddy all over – physically and emotionally.
It absolutely stinks. I figured it out the other day. The self-sabotage wasn’t intentional this time, it was just bad timing. It was poor stress management. You see, I was (am?) feeling out of control by all the challenges and stress in life. I’m trying so hard to handle many difficult situations, yet feeling like I’m not succeeding. Mentally it’s “why bother trying to work hard and do this and do that if I can’t make progress?” So then I’d go to eat something to feel better.
When I do, my mind says to me, “Come on Sheila, you know you want to avoid Type 2 Diabetes, you can do this, find a better way to comfort yourself.” But instead of listening, my mind replies with what it’s been saying to the stress, “Why bother? What’s the point?” Oops!
And then my brain adds the old thought that I know from my past experiences, the thought that it’s used to, “I’m just going to gain weight again anyways, it’s what always happens. I never succeed.” My brain isn’t used to the new success I’ve had. My brain isn’t fully used to the new habits and how they’ve stuck. Oof. My brain confused my lack of success with the stresses in life with my success with improving my health.
Knowing this new nugget is great. BUT THEN, I have to go to myself, okay, so now what? What do I do with this? Well, I need a substitution for the behavior.
When I want comfort from stress, what can I do instead of reaching for comfort food? Besides having a chat with myself, reminding myself that I’m mixing up my messages 😉 I asked myself this the other day. Oddly enough, the same day I was listening to a podcast about screen time. It said that people should ask themselves, “when they find themselves doom scrolling, they should say, ‘what do I need to feel better right now?'”
I put these two questions together and came to the question I always ask myself, WHAT DO I NEED? What do I REALLY, really need? This prompted me to think, what if I can’t get it, what I really, really need? What if what I need isn’t available? What if what I need is so deep and intangible that that’s why I’m reaching for, doing something tangible? What if what I need is a long vacation? Deeper connections, or at least more time with my good friends? Greater feelings of security, certainty?
As soon as I had this thought, I found myself sitting still (in my minivan of course) in total silence. It clicked. My needs are big right now and not entirely attainable at the level I crave. And so I take nibbles of them. I break off pieces of them.
I can’t get a vacation but I can look at pictures of old ones for a little while and reminisce and hear the ocean.
I can make plans with friends more often.
I can take one action towards managing my budget.
And, when I go for comfort food, I can say to myself, “I might want this…but what I really NEED is comfort. What will actually comfort me right now because this isn’t really gonna do it.”
Because it’s not. Within ten minutes I’ll feel crappy. Guaranteed. Micro-actions. That’s where it’s at. That’s where I will start today. (Along with a MACRO dose of grace and love for myself!!)
What about you? What micro-action will you take today to help fulfill one of your needs?
Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you too are on a personal journey and feeling a little stuck. I believe in you and know and am right there with ya.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
***Reminder: it is easy to misinterpret what we read online without fully knowing a person, their full journey etc. That happened to me last time I wrote about this subject so I’d like to avoid that this go around.
I am not one to shame others nor am I one to say we all need perfect bodies. TRUST me. Please think of this before you comment negatively. I will remove without hesitation any comments that attempt to make me feel bad about myself.***
