Category Archives: Health & Aging

Perimenopause or a Challenging Life? Sometimes It’s Hard to Know

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Is it my hormones changing or is life simply challenging? Seriously. I’m tired of the narrative that everything is perimenopause, or even menopause. Yes, a lot of women are struggling with the reality of perimenopause and menopause. I am far from dismissing that. I mean shoot, I’m one of them. The brain fog is real. And brain fog is an understatement. I forgot my son’s best friend’s name the other day. A kid I’ve known since second grade.

Hello perimenopause symptoms! And the song lyrics, “Cause you’re hot then you’re cold / You’re ‘Yes’ then you’re ‘No’” Well Katy Perry wrote my theme song. And probably millions of other women my age. And while it is great that perimenopause is finally having its time in the spotlight and women are getting the support we need, I hate to say it, but it is being used as a crutch in places. A place to put blame. A way to dismiss reality, real feelings.

An easy out for a woman who is truly struggling because her life is actually, truly DIFFICULT. One professional, “Oh it’s *just* perimenopause. You’re simply extra emotional.” And what if it isn’t? What if sometimes life is just hard because, wait for it…it just is?

And the hormones are making it worse but aren’t the culprit? This is a question and a debate I’ve had with my therapist and my doctor for a while now. I got on the computer for my virtual doctor’s appointment last week and got right to the point. “Listen. I know I’m in perimenopause. I know my changing hormones aren’t helping AND ALSO… I feel like I’m going to cry every afternoon. I have more panic attacks than I ever have.

My exhaustion and sense of overwhelm some days is new, next level. And I don’t think it is just because of the hormones. My life is simply hard. Harder than it has been in a long time. The hormones aren’t helping.” And then I do what I do. I spoke in metaphors;) “Picture an ice cream sundae.” She smiled at this one. “My life is a five scoop ice cream sundae. It’s being eaten outside on a 90 degree day. I’m one scoop, each kid is a scoop I’m taking care of. We are already naturally melting from the heat of life. The hot fudge is perimenopause. It’s simply expediting the meltdown.”

I continued. “Point being. I’m melting. Something needs to change. My medication isn’t fully working anymore and hormones? Sure, adding them might help, but it isn’t the full solution because perimenopause isn’t the only problem.”

My doctor looked at me. And simply said, “I get it. It’s all too much. Just too much. Here’s the plan. We’re adding this medication. Take it in case of emergency. When the sense of overwhelm hits hard. You might need it, you might not. The season you are in is temporary.”

I said thank you. Closed the computer and sighed a sigh of relief. It has taken me months to admit I needed to change medication. I just keep telling myself, strike that, blaming myself. Blaming myself for not managing well enough. For not handling the stress well enough.

“Just try harder. Take more deep breaths. Exercise more. Rest more. Laugh more.” Yada. Yada. Yada. Yes. All those things might and will help AND ALSO, my life is heavy right now. It is wonderful and I am grateful AND it is heavy and challenging. There comes a point where part of the solution is asking, what other kind of support do I need? The medicine she added, my addition to my bag of tricks for supporting myself during this season?

The last time it was in my repertoire was 2016 when my divorce began. When I had days I couldn’t breathe. When it all felt “just too much,” as she said. I got through those days. It’s 10 years later. I never thought I would need that medication again.

But life happens. Gray happens. It isn’t a reflection of me, of my lack of ability to manage stress or the challenges that come my way. It is just a reflection of the reality I’m living right now. Life can be very hard. And sometimes people hold that very close to their chest because they have no choice but to do so. That just makes it heavier, doesn’t it? Perimenopause doesn’t pause any of that from happening. It just makes it worse.

But what truly makes it all worse is using perimenopause as a scapegoat for real, heavy emotional feelings people are experiencing. Gray happens.

And it can hit hard and heavy. Admitting it, acknowledging it? Not a scapegoat. Figuring out support isn’t a scapegoat either. These are all the ways orange begins to make the gray lighter.

Sending my warmth to you today, especially if any part of this post resonated a little too close. Trust me, it isn’t just you and me feeling this way.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Don’t Let a Disability Tell You What You’re Capable Of

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There is no polite way for me to write this post. I’ve actually waited a few days (and months) so I could be “cool, calm, and collected.” Truth? I’m not sure I will ever be entirely cool, calm, and collected about this. This post is for any parent, child, or person who has ever been told they weren’t good enough because they have a disability. Or because they learn differently. Or because they learn more slowly. Do not, I repeat, do not, let anyone tell you that you are not good enough to become what you want to become.

I have four sons. I’m sharing this with permission. One of my sons has severe ADHD, auditory processing and other learning challenges. He was bullied by students and teacher aides alike. In 6th grade, an aide said to him, “You will never go to college or succeed.” Imagine if he had listened?!

Well, he didn’t. Instead, he basically said, “Oh yeah? Watch me.” He is now at a top college, on scholarship, getting good grades, and studying to become a special education teacher. Because he had a few of us rooting for him, pointing out to him the good we saw in him; his strengths, his opportunities. We believed in him until he could for himself.

Another one of my sons has struggled since kindergarten. In 3rd grade, his teacher told him, “We don’t have books at your reading level in this classroom. You’re a big kid now. You need to try harder. Stop being lazy.” Lazy? I told her to look at the facts. To look at everything else he could do; how hard he worked, how hard he was trying to find ways to help himself read! I said, “He is not lazy. He is struggling to read. There is something we are missing. Help.”

Fast forward two years. I asked the elementary school principal for extra support going into middle school. “We don’t proactively add support.” Right…

Middle school was a challenge. His mental health took a hit; his homework, tests, quizzes, you name it, took a hit. A child who used to love learning, who tried so hard, slowly stopped trying. I pushed again for help. And I was asked, “Are you sure you’re not being a helicopter parent? Overbearing? Maybe trying to get him extra help just so he gets A’s? We see that a lot in this town.”

The fact that I stayed polite at that moment?

Honestly, a true Orange Rhino® moment. Because no. That was not it. I said, “He is masking. He is truly struggling. You’re missing it. I need you to trust me.” They didn’t. They kept insisting he needed to try harder.

And now? That child has an IEP because one person finally listened to me. One person took the time to look beyond the struggles to see the strengths. My son has a learning disability, including a form of dyslexia.

And the testing showed it is not mild. Cue the tears. Cue my rage. Cue the heartbreak of knowing I was right and that it took years to get him all of the support he needed. (I had gotten him other support but what he needed most was in school.) But here is what I need people to understand: A child (anyone really) who learns differently should not be written off. Different pace. Different path. Different strengths.

Still capable. Still worthy. Still full of potential. My boys are proof of that. Their struggles have built empathy. Determination. Resilience. Leadership qualities. Yes, I wish parts of their journey had been easier. Of course I do.

And I know they feel the same. But who they have become because they kept going? Because they had to try harder to learn and to (sadly) prove themselves to the world and sometimes to themselves? I would not change who they have become for the world. Who they are in heart, grit, perspective, and character is second to none.

So let me say this loudly: Let’s stop confusing disability with inability. A disability is not a disqualification. And different does not mean less. (argh!) Sending my warmth and a little extra oomph to you all today and always, and an extra amount of love and support to any parent who knows and feels this post all too well.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino