Category Archives: Overwhelm & Stress

When Gray Hijacks a Productive Day: How I Try Not to Add More Gray

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I said I wouldn’t hide. So here I am. Struggling, and sharing how I’m refusing to stay stuck. I wrote this yesterday. I was excited(ish).

Finally, a non-rushed shower. Makeup. Hair actually blown out. Time dedicated to me, my work, my goals. I sat down. Focused. Motivated. BOOM. Orange emotions disappeared. Gray happened.

Here’s what I wrote in my more personal, diary-of-sorts.

* I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I really, really am. I’m tired of watching everyone around me move forward while I move at a snail’s pace.

*I’m tired of so many interruptions in my schedule.

*I’m tired of being jealous of others, even when I know jealousy can be a useful indicator of what matters to me. Even when I know comparison is the thief of joy, it has been my reality this week, and I’m trying to honor it so I can work through it.

*I’m tired of seeing “understand your nervous system, manage your nervous system, it’s all about your nervous system!” And “manifest more, manifest better, manifest clearer.” I know, I know, I know. And also, sometimes there is truly more to it. I’m drained. I’m trying.

* I’m tired of hearing everyone suggest I’m not doing it right or not doing enough. I know that is likely my mind playing tricks on me. But still, I feel criticized more than supported.

* I’m tired of being told, “be patient” and “it’s your busy season, your time will come” and “but you’re a stay-at-home mom and that matters.” YES. AND…

*I’m tired of parenting solo and all that comes with it.

*I’m tired of my stories, my histories, and all that got me to this parenting-solo bit. I have dreams I’m trying to make happen. Dreams beyond being a mom, because that is only one of my dreams. I have dreams that would fulfill me in other ways and, honestly, help make me a better mom. But right now? They feel really hard to make happen.

* I’m tired of having ADHD and a late diagnosis. Of learning how to manage it late while also raising boys with it and trying to help them understand it, process it, and manage it while I do the same.

* I’m tired of feeling alone and also, lonely. Of craving connection, nights out, more laughter. and also… Of knowing I need to reach out more. I need to connect more.

Of knowing some of my loneliness is on me… and also, some of it isn’t.

* I’m just tired.

But mostly?

Mostly I’m tired of knowing the logical, rational, mature answer to all these heavy, gray feelings. I know they will pass. I know I will get through them. I’m not a failure. I’m not stuck. I am making progress. I know my truth. I know my nervous system realities. I know my goals, my limiting beliefs, the stories I tell myself that aren’t helping.

I know all about mindset and that what we focus on grows, for better or for worse. I know I have good friends. I know I’m tired of parenting sometimes and also fully love it sometimes and will miss it when my boys fully move out. I know all the gray emotions can be true.

And I know all the orange emotions can be true too. This morning, when I sat at my kitchen table not wanting to do a darn thing, I did what I did yesterday. I asked myself: What do I need to feel better right now? What will help me get going? Not forever. Just this moment. What one step can I take?

Yesterday, I got up and took a short walk. Around the house. And today, I made myself get on the treadmill. eMOTION is one of my favorite mnemonics I learned a few years ago. Best way to change an emotion? MOTION. And later today, if life feels overwhelming again, which it likely will as I go from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment and feel unproductive while my to-do list plays in my head, I will do the thing people think is cheesy but is actually wicked effective.

I will remind myself of the 7 things I’ve learned that help me get unstuck: I’m not broken or alone. This will pass. I can handle this. I can give myself compassion. I only need to take one step. What do I need to feel more at ease? Gray doesn’t get to win. Let the orange stand out. Sending warmth,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I’m Tired of Being Resilient: What I Finally Told My Therapist

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Yesterday was a hard day. I finally shared with my therapist what I’ve been feeling since February; what’s been growing slowly but heavily. “This whole repeated skin c@ncer, now high-risk situation has me feeling depressed. It’s growing. I think we need to add it to the weekly topics. I’m tired of being resilient. Of laughing with my doctors that I’ll see them soon. I’m tired of coping. I’m tired of putting on a brave, I’m-fine face.

I’m tired of pretending I’m all good. I’m tired. So, so tired.” And I am. Situational depression isn’t new to me. I’ve been there. Here. I’ve let it linger for months. I’ve fought back.

After therapy, I went back to the couch and promptly slept from 10 to 3. Healing this go-around is seemingly harder. As I went in and out of sleep, a popular thought came to me. Repeatedly. “Depression is a liar.” Depression was trying to tell me that I’d have no energy for days to come. Depression was trying to tell me that I’d lost my groove altogether. Depression was trying to tell me that it would win. Ha!! My mind knows better.

It has learned better. It, I, fought back. I refused to go back to 2016, when depression did indeed win. I started to think… What if… What if I did something bold? Years ago, almost ten to be exact, when depression rolled in, I stayed hidden and didn’t share. I figured my way out eventually and came back online in 2022.

But what if this time, I don’t hide? What if this time, I keep writing? What if I share the tools I’m using while I’m using them?

Because here’s the thing. Depression isn’t always the big “D.” Sometimes it’s a little “d.” Sometimes it lasts for days. Or weeks. Or months. Or even years. And honestly, the tools I’ve learned to deal with the depression I face are the same tools I use when the gray in life hits in general. The heavy, blech moments that just happen because well, life happens. The ones that weigh things down. The ones that try to convince us we are stuck there.

And we all face those moments. Depression or not. I know they aren’t unique to me. Life is wonderful. It truly is. And also, life can weigh us down sometimes. I remembered yesterday — as my mind and I fought back the gray — that it is easier to begin feeling lighter when someone sees us. Shows up with us. For us. Yesterday, my fiancé sent me flowers celebrating an accomplishment I’m yet to share with all of you. Little did he know that seeing me, reminding me of the orange I’ve been working toward, would help me take one step forward.

One of my favorite tools. And honestly? One step forward counted. We are all in this together. When gray happens, we show up. With you. For you. For each other.

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Sending my warmth as always, xoxo, Sheila (Changed the order up today and soon it will make sense as to why it made sense today)

When Parenting Overwhelm Makes Sobriety Feel Hard

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Sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn’t the moment. It’s managing your own overwhelm when all you want to do is escape. Last week, mine had me reaching for a glass of scotch after 450+ days sober. That’s when I knew just how overwhelmed I really was. Two of the three boys were hangry, hangry teenagers. I couldn’t breathe right. I couldn’t blink right. I couldn’t be anything… right. And yes, they are good kids having human moments.

I mean, I get hangry too and um my mood swings are fun at times. This said, I’ve parented from this philosophy for years: De-escalate, don’t elevate. Don’t elevate emotions. Don’t elevate tension. Which also means: de-escalate, don’t evaluate. Trying to assess what is actually going on, trying to figure out how to help them when they are amped up? Useless. Not gonna work. Trying to “teach” them how to do better next time when they are amped? Also not gonna work. That will definitely just escalate.

I mean, try telling me how to better handle my emotions during a sudden moment of hormonal rage. Ask me how well I will listen and take in your lesson plan. Amirite? So when they were stomping around the kitchen, nitpicking at each other, complaining about my meal (the one I was so excited to have made them) and my efforts to de-escalate were not working…

And I realized I was getting frustrated and starting to make things worse, I left the room. I needed a break. Leaving the room was easy. “I will not be treated this way.” Turn and walk away. Easy. The hard part? I still felt all the overwhelm. The sadness that we weren’t having a family dinner over a meal I thought they would love. The letdown. The clearly other emotions about other stuff I apparently wasn’t aware of.

On the way to the safety of my couch, I saw my fiancé’s glass of scotch. I guess I was bottling up more stress than I realized. I picked it up without hesitation. What’s one sip? That doesn’t destroy my 450+ days of not drinking, right? I immediately spit it out, poured the drink down the drain, and the tears fell. Dammit. Parenting is exhausting. I love my kids and still, it’s exhausting. They are human, they act human, and so I give them grace and still, it’s exhausting.

This happened last week. It had been a hard week. As I sat curled up on the couch, crying, letting all the stress out, I decided I needed to change clothes. I needed cozy. I needed to regulate myself so I could handle them better. So I could ooze out more comforting, chill vibes. Sweatshirt and sweatpants on, I returned to the kitchen.

They had fizzled out, thank goodness. One had left. The remaining one apologized, thanked me for going out of my way to make his favorite dinner and get cookies. The other one appeared shortly thereafter and said thank you for the cookies too. (Lol, not dinner. I knew it would be hit or miss with him.) Walking away was the right thing. Spitting out the scotch was the right thing. Neither was easy.

Naturally, I decided to take a picture. The one who hadn’t lost his shite with me saw the glass. “MOM! What are you doing? Put that down! You aren’t drinking.” Oh bless my heart. He was so worried I had taken a drink. That moment made spitting out the scotch, made deciding to be sober, worth it. One of the reasons I’ve chosen to be sober is to show my kids that life is okay without alcohol; that it is not needed to numb during hard times.

My son witnessed it in action. May he remember this. And may I keep remembering that I can do it because honestly? Seeing how quickly I wanted to numb when parenting hurt so badly… when I hurt so much… even after 450+ days? That’s why I personally have chosen to be sober. I know I need to be.

Sending my warmth and a little extra oomph to you all today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino