Tag Archives: Anxiety

When Family Traditions Change as Kids Grow Up

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I’m shaking as I type, and I haven’t even had my coffee. For the first time in fourteen years, I didn’t buy my sons the matching Old Navy 4th of July T-shirts.

And it’s hitting harder than I expected. I know. They’re T-shirts. Basic, silly T-shirts. Except they were never basic to me. They were the one thing that stayed consistent, no matter how much our 4th of July changed.

And it turns out, there are several other changes today I didn’t plan for…so yeah, I’m wishing I had the shirts. And yeah, I’m wishing change wasn’t happening…again. July 4, 2023 was Change 1.0. The experienced moms told me it would be okay. There would be new memories. They were right. And also, here I am. Change 2.0 is happening today, and once again, I’m feeling every bit of it. I feel it in my bones. Literally.

I’m jittery. I’m anxious. My body knows something is changing even as my rational brain keeps saying, “Sheila, not everything is changing. At least ALL your boys are here, together. That wasn’t even the plan a few days ago!” But still…. The back story. My boys and I used to go to Stone Harbor Beach every July 4th week. For years. First as a family of six, with my ex-husband. Then one year with him even though we were separated.

I can laugh now. We must have each had our own internal fireworks. We came home, went to couples therapy and promptly decided, yep, divorce is the right thing to do. Then I went to the beach with just my boys, then with my fiancé and his kids.

And then, in 2023, it stopped. My boys had jobs. The week was no longer an option. A three-day weekend didn’t always happen. It was heart-wrenching. I love traditions. I love the stability they offer in a world full of chaos. The knowing. The having something to look forward to. The ability to take the same picture year after year and pretend, for one second, that nothing is changing as fast as it actually is. (Did I mention I’m sentimental too?!) I did my best to make new traditions at home in NJ.

I mean, after all, we still had the annual Old Navy 4th of July shirts, right? At least I had the picture and the bickering to go with it?! Everything turned out okay. We were together. Laughing. Eating hot dogs. Doing sparklers. Fireworks in the local park didn’t compare to those over the ocean—and basically overhead—but I survived. It wasn’t the end of the world like I imagined. Anxiety sure can create the worst-case scenario. Then last year, a three-day weekend aligned and we made it back to Stone Harbor.

Oh, how my heart filled. And my pocket emptied! This year, another three-day weekend presented itself. So did my rational self. I decided it wasn’t worth the price. The boys had outgrown the hotel pool since we have one now. And since they are six feet tall, the small beds also weren’t working so well.

So we are home, again. I thought I was okay with that. We’d been home before. And Change 1.0 wasn’t actually so horrific.

But then I realized: for the first time in fourteen years, I hadn’t bought the shirts. A small detail. A massive impact. That is the thing about traditions. To everyone else, it can look like a shirt, a meal, a picture or a silly little ritual. –> But sometimes that tiny thing is what holds every memory over the years together; holds everyone together, BRINGS everyone together. At first, I was okay. I was even proud of myself for all the “self-growth” of being able to just roll with it.

I may or may not have high-fived myself. Then yesterday some conversations started popping up in the house and my pride turned into a little bit of panic. I had a vision for tonight: a family bbq like always, my boys and our picture. Apparently, my boys had their own vision: friends, more friends and a few people I haven’t met yet. Times have changed. The tide has changed. As it should. I know it will change again.

As tides do. But today? Right now? It’s a hard adjustment. And I know it will be okay. I really do. But knowing it will be okay doesn’t mean it feels okay right now. Right now? It feels blech.

And I need to let it feel blech for a minute so it doesn’t follow me into the fun later today. I’m just wishing I had the shirts to at least hold onto….one thing to bring me back to the past, ya know? And honestly, I don’t want to share the day I pictured as ours, with others. I could say no. I’ve been practicing that more and more. But my heart also wants to say yes. It wants to see my boys happy just as much as it wants to hold onto the version of today that would make me happy.

And if that ain’t motherhood. So I said yes. Seeing them happy will make me happy. Just in a different way than I planned. I will still get a picture before everyone arrives. Maybe I’ll make them hold up paper that says “Red Old Navy Shirt 2026” or “Blue Old Navy Shirt 2026.” There will probably be eye rolls. There will definitely be bickering.

But there will also be laughter. It will be a different memory…and it will still count. And actually, I think it will probably be a better, funnier picture.

Now that I think of it, I’m scared about what my boys will write on their pieces of paper. Maybe I should just find colored paper to give them and cut it out in the shape of a t-shirt?!

Today is definitely not gonna go as envisioned. No beach. No t-shirts. A little extra heavy on some emotions today. And also. Extra people. Which will bring extra laughter, extra joy and all that jazz. Both/And. Gray/Orange. Sending warmth to you today, especially if something is different today, a tradition is missing, maybe someone you love. I get it. I’m right there with ya. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Anxiety vs. Depression: What I Misunderstood About My Own Symptoms

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I was shocked to receive the diagnosis: anxiety. For years, the word used to describe some of my grayer days was depression.

Turns out, a lot of what I thought was depression was actually anxiety. But I didn’t realize that at the time. Something happened when my oldest was about 6 and my youngest was about 1. One of my friends made a loving comment that I seemed a lot less anxious around my kids that day. At first I was aghast. How dare she? What? Me? Anxious? I’m cool. Calm. Collected.

But she was right. My heart wasn’t racing as much. My brain also wasn’t. And my shirt, well, it didn’t need to go to the dry cleaner that day. My oldest has severe ADHD. My anxiety was through the roof when he was younger, driven by my worries about what people would say about us in public or in private settings. Her comment made me reflect on how I acted and how I parented. It helped me start to change some of my behaviors. (Which was a good thing, because those were the early days of The Orange Rhino Challenge®.) Fast forward five years to my divorce era.

I was talking with my therapist about how hard the days were. She mentioned treating me for situational depression. I agreed. Then she said, “And I think you should mention anxiety to the psychiatrist too.” There it was again. The A word. “What?” I said. “I don’t have anxiety.” But then I paused. My therapist was right. And you know what? It was an incredible relief to accept that.

Turns out, so much of my “depression” was actually driven by anxiety. (Not long after, I also learned ADHD was part of my struggles. Like my skin cancer, that diagnosis took a lot of advocating. A story for another day.) I’ve learned a lot about anxiety since that day in my therapist’s office. She taught me a lot of skills. I taught myself a lot about, well… me.

But the best thing I ever learned? This: Try your best to not worry now. Wait until you know facts. If your fears don’t come true, you wasted energy and felt bad for no reason. If they do come true? Then they hurt twice — in the moment, and in all the anxious moments leading up to it. Mic. Drop. The picture in this post? It’s my current hairstyle.

And it is sooooo much better than I expected. My anxiety was understandable — I don’t dismiss it. I try to understand what it’s telling me.

But I’m also grateful I didn’t wallow in it for weeks leading up to the procedure (a few hours here and there? Yep. Totally did. I’m human) Because when I used to wallow in anxiety, I snapped at my kids more. I wasn’t as present as I wanted to be. And when I was present? I wasn’t exactly fun to be around. I was on edge. Which meant I enjoyed fewer moments. I spiraled during the day, got off track, and then felt even more anxious at night.

My relationship with anxiety still needs work. (Don’t most relationships?) Teenagers driving, going to college, making big decisions on their own will absolutely test anxiety. But I’m doing better. And I’m grateful for my therapist. And for that friend years ago who planted the seed. Sometimes one honest comment is the beginning of a completely different life. We just have to be open to hearing it. I know. Easier said than done.

So. Much. Easier. Kinda like managing anxiety. If depression, anxiety, or ADHD are part of your story, welcome. I get it. And if you don’t have a formal diagnosis but perimenopause has brought on some very similar symptoms… also welcome. Heck, welcome everyone. Sending my warmth to you, today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When You Feel Stuck, Unmotivated and Tired of Pep Talks

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I have two alternatives for you if you are feeling stuck. It took me this entire post to get to the second one, but hey, at least I got there!

I’m feeling stuck.
I’m having a hard time getting motivated.
I’m having a hard time making decisions.
I’m exhausted from giving myself pep talks and remembering mindset hacks.
I’m worn down from writing publicly, from being judged by an algorithm everyday and from worrying that my “being me” is “too negative, too really, not bubbly or positive enough to survive in social media.”

Being stuck is often seen as a big ‘ole negative. I know I often experience it as such. But here’s something I just realized this morning. –>What if I’m meant to be stuck right now? What if I’m struggling to move forward because the path I had set myself on was not the right path? What if my body, my brain, my everything knows that the path I have chosen is not actually the one that will bring me the most fulfillment? A life that feels the most aligned?

What if being stuck, spiraling out on some days, struggling, isn’t seen as a bad thing, but rather an okay thing, a helpful sign to stop and look closer? (You know, No-yeah-mber) What if the gray is actually a good thing? –>What if being stuck is seen as a big, bright, flashing sign that says, “HOLD ON. TIME OUT. Being stuck is simply giving you a chance to take a break, re-group, and plan your next intentional step instead of just roboting your way through life?”

Being stuck doesn’t have to stink, it is an opportunity to sit and think. Things get stuck in life for a reason (a jar lid that’s too tight, a puzzle piece that doesn’t actually fit, a car in a traffic jam because there’s just too many cars.) When stuck (gray) happens, things need patience and a little extra attention, a little extra effort, to get unstuck.

So extra patience, attention, and effort I will give to my so-called “stuckness.” I’m stuck –> I’m sitting –> I’m thinking –> I’m accepting –> I’m reflecting –> I’m realizing I will figure it out and feel a little lighter in due time. Is this easy? No. Do I feel answers bubbling to the surface? Yes. Do I think I need to quit it all and take an entirely different path? No. Do I feel like I need to adjust my focus, my energy, the balance of my time? Yeah, I do.

My heart knows the answer. I need to find a bit more courage to follow it. –> Can you relate to the last statement? Any of these statements? Which ones? Feeling stuck isn’t fun but it doesn’t have to stink and it definitely isn’t permanent. Remembering these two bits isn’t easy; nor is finding the courage to step out of it. I see you as you do all the hard work and experience the range of emotions that go with it.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you are sitting and thinking today (instead of being “stuck”)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When Your Feelings Surprise You at the Doctor’s Office

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Here’s the thing –> I truly didn’t realize how I felt which is how I got to this photo. So yeah, holy moly do I have a story for you all! I have a *hunch* you all might just relate and maybe, just maybe (okay I hope lol) you’ve had a similar experience lately? If not, just fib and say, yes, Sheila, of course we have!

So yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment to review my adhd medication and antidepressants. No shame there ladies (and gentleman or two I think.) Yep I have anxiety and situational depression that I deal with – it is what it is.

Anyway, standard question. “Sooo, how’s it going?” I hadn’t seen this doctor in three months. Like, I was going to answer this question quick and easy peasy?

I gave bullet points. “Well, let’s see. All my kids are giving me agita at the same time – this has never, ever happened in my life. (I proceeded to share details. Fairly certain heart rate proceeded to increase as well.) I am worried about each one and it’s impacting my sleep. I legit have stressmares where I am processing all the challenges.” I said.

“Okay….” She said, as I interrupted her.

“But wait, there’s more! The renovation has basically been an emotional and literal disaster even though I’m grateful. It is exhausting and taking up so much time. Plus I’m trying to kinda sorta launch a company which I could drop so I could focus more on parenting but honestly, I am already giving so much to parenting and I need to give to me too and my work is for me, it gives me hope, joy, life. You know?” I shared.

“Uh huh.” She kinda looked at me, like is there more. (Obviously, I’m truncating things here.)

“So basically, I’m just going moment by moment. It’s a lot. So much is urgent. I get through each day, wishing I had more laughter, more enjoyment even though I’ve had glimpses. The season is what it is. It’s going to get easier soon. And I know that. It is just hard right now. As I tell my community, it’s kinda lots of gray.”

Before we wrapped up the meeting I let her know that some lady yelled at me in the parking lot over the parking space I used, accusing me of parking illegally. Like what the what? I wanted to confirm I used the right spot for next time. News splash – I did. The lady just wanted to yell at me? I guess she was having a bad day, moment…aren’t we kinda all sometimes?

Kindness my friends. Ugh. We wrapped up, I admired the gorgeous pink and orange flowers in the reception area, and left. Hadn’t shed a tear even though I was close. “Huh, I guess I am handling this stress fairly well. Alrighty then.”

As I drove home, on a new path I didn’t know too well, I came to an intersection and all of a sudden, “oh shite! I’m in the wrong lane.” One angry driver next to me starts blasting his horn at me and flying his hands all around, screaming at me at the same time.

Facts.

  1. I made a simple mistake.
  2. It didn’t cause an accident.
  3. It wasn’t going to – there was space for both of us to merge.
  4. Calm the bejeebers down, I’m sorry, it wasn’t intentional.

I did arm movements to show it was an “oops” and mouthed “I’m so sorry.” He let me go and holy smokes –> I promptly burst, and I mean, burst into tears and said, “I’m just so tired of all the friggin’ challenges and mistakes! I’m doing my best darn it!”

Full blown tears people. As fast and furiously as he hit the horn. I was shocked. I wanted to blame hormones – because that is the internet’s go-to. Oh, menopause, hormones, crying for so reason.

But then I said to myself, “Sheila, screw that. Your tears are real. You are exhausted from how hard life has been. You have been go-go-going for good reason. It has been hard. Challenging. Frustrating. Disappointing. You’ve been doing your best. You don’t want to be yelled at for it. Of course that put you over. You want love. Care. Concern. You want people to show up for you— not put you down, as this man just did. As people in several of the projects you are working on have done recently. This was the straw that broke the gray rhinos back. You are human, girl. Maybe perimenopausal too, but human first!” I then wiped my tears. Laughed at myself because, perspective. I couldn’t believe that it took a man honking at me, something I can normally tolerate, to show me I need a break.

And then I promptly drove into the Wendy’s drive through for a fountain diet coke because the bubbles always taste good and I wanted to do something for me. SO this is where you go to the comments and say, “Sheil, me too. Been there, done that.” Pick any of these, tell me you get it, lol. Copy the emoji you get, or create your own.

1. the sudden crying because holy heck hit your limit!

2. the exhaustion from showing up because that is simply what you need to do right now

3. the telling yourself you refuse to let hormones be the answer to all your REAL feelings and experiences

4. the love of the bubbles in diet coke (now I want one and no seltzer is just not the same)

5. the knowing that people are showing up for you but at the same time, feeling a little unseen 

This picture makes me smile, laugh, and also remember.

Girl, take a break. Get outside. Enjoy the sunshine and then take one small step to get something done because I do have things to do and letting them pile up will create stress and that is not needed. No thank you. It’s a balance.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if this photo and story are relatable – especially if point #5, is more than relatable. I get it. It might not seem like it, but I do see you.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why You Shouldn’t Put Off Your Own Doctor Appointments

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I had an unexpected medical procedure Friday afternoon. Nothing serious but…it sidelined me, has sidelined me a bit. It has forced me to sit all weekend and rest as I am physically uncomfortable. All this said, a few takeaways that are floating around in my mind that I thought I’d share. Don’t put off doctor’s appointments. Your care matters just as much as your kid’s care. I know, I know. Annoying to hear but I care and so I’m lovingly putting it out there.

I had scheduled and rescheduled and rescheduled this appointment because of kids and life and then never rescheduled it. Ooops. Should have had the appointment years ago. I’m lucky nothing serious happened these past too many years to count. Note to self: Ruminating and worrying does no good. The appointment was supposed to be a consult about whether or not to do the procedure (sorry to be vague, it’s just a weird situation).

If it had been an actual appointment for the procedure, I wouldn’t have gone because I would’ve talked myself out of it out of fear. I would’ve told myself the current pain was okay, manageable. However, this doctor, this new, lovely, kind, gentle doctor explained everything. The pros, the risks of not doing it (which are kinda high) the after care etc. She was so much nicer than a past doctor I met who was part of the reason I had hesitated to reschedule the appointment over the last few years.

This lovely doctor had time to do the procedure (well obviously Sheila lol,) so we did. And I made it through (again, duh) Had I had time to think about it, I would’ve worried myself right out of it. Anxiety is a beast. I struggle with it a lot. I’ve thought a lot this weekend about whether or not I was impulsive in saying yes to the procedure BUT then I say to myself, “Girl, if you thought more about it you would have said no out of fear.” Point being: anxiety is real but not always the best guide and not always right.

We can’t let it always win. Apparently, I’m not superwoman. I was feeling frustrated yesterday that I couldn’t do my daily walks which are so key to my feeling good. I had hopped on the treadmill and after one minute I was all, “yeah no, this ain’t happening.” I texted a friend who has supported my current health goals and she replied, “You need to rest. Your body needs to heal.” Wait, what? The procedure was quick – 10 minutes, maybe 15.

It was in office. It was minor. Heal? Rest? These words hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was going to go on as I normally do. I left the office walking. I drove myself home like no big deal.

Except it kinda was. I had local anesthesia for pain. And it still hurt LIKE HECK. And it was a biopsy which always takes a mental toll, you know? And again, shocker, I’m not superwoman;) Yes, I needed to rest and heal. I did not need to power through. Point being: sometimes the smallest things are still BIG and we don’t need to minimize them, but we still need to heal from them. Point being: sometimes we’re tired and can’t move forward because our body needs to heal and process from the inside – for reasons we know or don’t know…and we need to listen.

Point being: I’m so used to powering through and “doing it all” that slowing down – even when in pain – didn’t even dawn on me and that is an opener worth working on, big time, wouldn’t ya say?!

So there are my Sunday thoughts, from my cozy chair that seems to have my name written all over it this fine January. But hey, at least I have such a chair.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if any of these points hit close to home. You aren’t alone.

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

When You “Should” Feel Joyful but You Just Feel Flat

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Truth time. I *should* be full of joy. I have so many reasons to be. Truly. More reasons than usual actually. And yet, I’m feeling a wee bit flat. I was rocking and rolling until last Thursday morning when the wind got knocked out of me, metaphorically speaking. Since then, it’s been a battle to re-energize myself for long periods of time. The good moments come, I laugh, I smile, I feel the joy and then I go flat again.

Actually, if I’m going to be honest, ever since Thanksgiving it’s been a battle. The holiday season can be tough, especially as a single mom. I try to pretend it isn’t. I try to pretend that all the magic of the season makes it okay, but the truth is, it can be tough.

But the last week has made it extra tough and I’m feeling blech galore. (AND there is an uplifting morale of the post here, have no fear.) I got my 48 hour seizure test results back Wednesday night. As expected, I’m not having seizures. No surprise. What wasn’t expected?

Well, that I would have to fight to get a disc of the video recordings from the test. You see, I’ve been trying for years, at least four, probably five, to capture my symptoms on video so that I can get an actual diagnosis and thus actual help. It’s been like catching a leprechaun. Impossible! Out of the blue, all of a sudden, my body spasms. Big time. Arms, legs, neck.

And it hurts. Like whiplash level hurts. This recent test actually caught five episodes. FIVE. And the office is fighting to give me, ME, the person in the videos, access to the data. Don’t get me started.

I’m exhausted.
I’ve been fighting for years.
I’ve been fighting to be seen as an individual.
I’ve been fighting to be heard, really heard.
I’ve been fighting to be taken seriously, to not be judged as just having anxiety.
I’ve been fighting to be believed.
I’ve been fighting to be helped.

I’m this close and yet a new battle has arisen. One that shouldn’t exist. Did I mention I’m exhausted? I just want to quit the fight and accept that I will have to deal with these symptoms. I feel so defeated. And angry. And did I mention, tired? And yet, and yet, I won’t stop. I won’t quit.

When I got the call back Thursday that “they weren’t able to make the disc” because bs reason, bs reason, bs reason, I didn’t call back. It would have been the third call that day. I just didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have it in me to stay patient. To stay kind. To stay rational. And so, I’m resting. I’m rebuilding my reservoir of kindness and patience.

When I call back, I want to have a productive phone call. I want to be able to have a good chance of getting people to want to work with me, instead of not wanting to help me at all. I’m still not rested enough, or removed enough from my absolute frustration.

And it doesn’t help that this holiday can be lonely and exhausting. The feelings of the season match the health situation. I want to quit a lot there too 🙂 My kids didn’t want to help with the tree to the extent they usually do so I wanted to say forgettabout it.

But I didn’t. I just waited until they were ready. I’m creating a lot of my own holiday energy and magic and it’s hard. It makes me want to say I quit this season and yet… I won’t stop trying to create joy. I won’t quit the holiday. I won’t give up on what matters to me. But I will allow myself to feel what I’m feeling so I can help it pass through my system.

So I can shake it out – spasm it out as my body likes to do, hurt it all;) So that I can find my way back to more joyful feelings. (Well at least for longer period of time!!!) What about you? How are you doing this time of year that can be demanding, exhausting and tough for oh so many reasons?!

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are fighting something, anything, and are finding it hard to keep the energy going.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

ADHD and Planners: Why I Finally Stopped Buying the Promise of Organization

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Raise your hand if like me, you may or may not have a wee bit of a problem with planners? You know, those cute paper things with dates inside that are generally spiral bound? Well, I gotta share a win with you because you all are the best place to share wins with.

I, Sheila, went into Staples this week and the end cap with all of the brand new 2025 planners called to me and I didn’t buy one! All the new designs with promises of organization, habits formed, water consumed, mindsets shifted, called to me louder and louder. I thought it would be rude if I didn’t at least say hello, so I did.

I went over and flipped through them to see what new feature Blue Sky had come out with for 2025 to help me get my life in order. I started getting excited. Visions of finally having a to-do list system in place came to me. Maybe I would be just as organized as I was in elementary school? Maybe I would finally use all the pages in my planner again like I did in college? Maybe I would diligently write things down and cross them off like I did when I worked pre-kids?

OH THE PROMISE a new planner brings! And then I stopped. “Girl, these planners are gorgeous. Oh so gorgeous AND you know you will not use them. It is a waste of your money. Your mind, your wonderful ADHD mind no longer functions best with these planners. Put it down, say goodbye, and slowly back away from the end cap.” AND I DID! For real, so excited! I know, it’s silly.

But seriously, do you know how many hundreds of dollars I have spent on planners that I’ve never used?! Too many to count. The planners just sit on my desk and honestly, make me feel bad about myself. They remind me how much I struggle to find a system that works for where my brain is today, where I am today. Years ago, in school and at work, my “project list” and “responsibilities list” were wayyyy shorter. Using a planner worked with my ADHD brain.

Today, it just doesn’t. I have tried and tried and tried to make it work, but I just get frustrated that yet again, I can’t find a system I so desperately, desperately need. I accept that I have ADHD. I accept that my brain works differently. I (mostly) accept that I am a single mom. I (mostly) accept that the demands on me are more than other moms and so my list is a little longer. I accept that I have anxiety. I accept that I can overthink my to-do lists and create more items than other people.

I accept that I have sensory processing disorder. I accept I have more items on my to-do list as a result because my physical environment really impacts my well being. AND ALSO I still find myself sometimes wishing that I could just use a planner as effectively as others so that I could manage all of the extra items that come from the above, a little more productively. I still find myself sometimes longing for the days when I was productive and could work around my ADHD because the demands on me were so much less.

But I can’t go back in time and I can’t get the current planners to work for me, and I’ve tried lots of them. I haven’t lost hope though! I’m creating my own system. I’m researching and teaching myself what works for my brain. It’s trial and error and trial and error. I’ll find something. I know I will. I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday. Make sure to celebrate a win or two of your own – feel free to even share here.

I’d love to celebrate you. Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are working through your own challenge and making progress. I see you!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How The Orange Rhino Grew From Yelling Less to a Bigger Life Question

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Welcome to the new followers! I thought I would go back in time and do a little recap of where I started and how I got here today. Original O.R.’s…please fill in the blanks in the comments with any key information I might have missed. And don’t worry – I’m still gonna sneak in new nuggets in this post so it will have value to everyone who knows the history 😉

Way back in 2012 I started The Orange Rhino Challenge® which was my promise to my 4 boys, then ages 5 and under, to go 365 days straight without yelling at them. Turns out, I went 520 days! Three top things I did:

  1. I tracked when I yelled so I could find patterns and solutions
  2. I did all sorts of sensory type things to calm my body when I felt a “yell” coming on like splashing cold water on my phase, jumping jacks, dancing, getting out in nature
  3. I realized that so much of why I yelled had more to do with my anxiety or state of mind than it did my kids so I started using the phrase “at least” to change my perspective (at least it was a plastic jug of milk that spilled and not glass!) I did other things too but that was a favorite!

In the end, I realized that the real upside to learning to stop yelling was that not only did I no longer go to sleep hating myself and feeling immense shame, but I now went to sleep feeling more peace and happiness because I loved myself, my life and time with my kids more. Everything I was doing to yell less was making my life all around better!

Yelling wasn’t the real problem. It was a symptom. The kids weren’t the problem either. I was the problem, said with so, so much love. The way I was responding to life was the problem. And it wasn’t because I was broken or a bad person – it was simply because I didn’t yet have the skills or knowledge or awareness to know how to do better.

So anywho, on March 23, 2013 I went viral with an article on Huffington Post called, “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids.” A book deal came from that and “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino® Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too” was born in 2014.

I could barely launch it as my youngest son got very sick. Then my oldest got sick. And then my marriage died. My confidence and so many other personal pieces of me that helped me to yell less died alongside my marriage. I started yelling again. It was awful. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a failure. Mostly, I felt alone, lost, scared. I felt unsure, disconnected and disappointed. How did I get to that point?! How had my life turned out this way? How had I become this person again?

The self-ridicule, self-doubt, self-hate rolled back in and rolled in hard. It planted its roots and stayed for a nice long while. UGH. 2016 to 2022 were hard years. That’s a big chunk of time, isn’t it?! I kinda don’t like seeing that on screen. That’s really hard to admit. I mean, 2016 to 2018 was the divorce so that makes sense. But then four more years? Okay, throw covid in there and that makes more sense and… WAIT why do I have to justify having a good chunk of hard years? I don’t. Life is just hard sometimes.

The weight of those years started taking a toll – on my body, my spirit and my mind. That shame I felt in 2012? When I yelled too much? It was back. Now it was shame that I wasn’t fully enjoying life, or even just enjoying it like I hoped to. I was a shell of the person I used to be and was a shell of the person I knew I could be. I hit a few breaking points that tried to rally me but didn’t work. 

Then in February 2022, I had a doctor’s appointment that woke me up. If an appointment can slap you in the face, this one did. Oh did it slap me hard.

ENOUGH Sheila. Open your eyes. Life is beautiful and you’re kinda missing it and I know you don’t want to be. I love black and white photos, and there is a place for gray in life and in home decor 😉 but me? I was done living a life without color. I made a choice that day. I chose to tell myself over and over and over again, “Girl, YOU CAN DO THIS. You can overcome all of these challenges that the world is throwing at you. You can live a life full of gray and still live a life full of color.”

I had already slowly started taking bigger steps forward, out of my stuck place. Now, my steps have become more intentional.

No more regrets.
No more feeling like I missed out.
No more being in an “eh” place.

Yes more love.
Yes more loving myself.
Yes more loving my life.
Yes more loving time with my kids.
Yes to really, truly, focusing and figuring out.

What do I need to live a colorful life again? What lights me up inside? What makes me laugh, smile? What do I dream of? What do I long for?

And the big ones, What is missing? Where do I find it? How do I find it? What is weighing me down the most? What is the heaviest on my heart, my mind that is holding me back and keeping me stuck? Keeping me from all of the above?

And the BIGGEST one, Okay, and now, you know the answers, how do you get there? The final answer? I needed to return to The Orange Rhino! The community that when I was actively a part of, I had a pep in my step and more peace in my heart. The Orange Rhino gave me connection, community, strength, support, and so much more.

So here I am, returned. I might not write directly about yelling anymore BUT and this is a big one, everything is about yelling! Yelling was never the real problem. My skills, the way I responded to life’ s challenges were the problem.

Because when I’m in a good place, when I’m doing all the things I’ve worked hard on the last couple of years, I’m strong like a rhino and I can peacefully handle most triggers than come my way…without yelling. I still yell. I’m human. I’m not meant to be perfect.

But I don’t yell at myself over and over and over again for it. That just makes it worse and leads to years of yelling, eh hem example 2016 – 2019 😉 Thanks for reading; you have the patience of someone who can indeed yell less 😉 Sending my warmth and my strength, today and always, and especially if you too might be working to live a life with a little more color in it.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When You’re Smiling and Crying at the Same Time: Both Feelings Can Be Real

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Look closely at this picture. What do you see? Do you see the tear rolling down my face? Do you also see the smile? I don’t share this picture for pity. I share it because it tells a VERY important point. I hope you take a moment to read it. It might just help your adult relationships and your kiddos. One time in couples therapy, years ago, my ex and I were told that when you don’t clearly communicate your feelings, but let your faces and bodies and actions do silent “talking,” that the other person “fills in the blanks” with their own answers as to what’s going on.

Oftentimes, but not always, the answers we create aren’t the truth. Oftentimes, the answers we tell ourselves create anxiety, fear, stress, sadness. The same story goes for our kids.

They see when we are in pain.
They see when we are sad.
They see when we are angry.
They see when we are stressed.

When we don’t communicate why – in an age appropriate, parent/child appropriate way, they fill in the blanks in the story. This happened to me yesterday. My ever so intuitive son called for me to pick him up from somewhere. He heard from the voice, just my voice, not even my face. “Are you okay mom?” Ooof.

I had tried so hard to collect myself and put on a happy, chipper voice to answer the phone. I didn’t want him to worry. I wanted to hide my feelings. But oh, they know when we are off. They know. “Yep! On my way.” WRONG answer. Here’s why.

The next five minutes he went through all the questions that he peppered me with when I got in the car: “Mom, did someone die?” he asked. “Nope. Everyone is okay sweetie.” I was in too much of a yuck state to even pretend I didn’t know why he asked. I knew I would need to come clean.

But first I wanted him to share what was on his mind. I let him continue. “Oh. But you aren’t okay. DON’T LIE. Are you sad because I didn’t say thank you for the ride before? Are you angry because I’m running late? Mom, are you stressed out from us kids? You didn’t sound right on the phone and well, your eyes are glassy and you have a tear on your face.” Whoa. He immediately assumed HE was the source of my pain and it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

And he thought I lied to him. No good. And whoa. They see us. They see our pain. I had tried to hide it from him, to protect him but all that did was hurt him. And lose a little trust in the process. Again, no good. Sharing big adult feelings with kids is a tricky thing. It’s a fine line like all parenting is…fun times, amirite?

But it is sooo important to give some clue to our kids when we feel off that it’s about US and not them so that they don’t tell themselves internal stories that they’re the problem. Besides, they need to know we are okayish. They need to know that even if we are in pain, that even if we are sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, whatever…that we will be okay. That we have a plan to get through the big emotion to the other side.

Not only does this “knowing” give them the necessary reassurance that we, their safe place, is secure BUT also, more so… It shows them that when they have the same big emotions they too will be okay. That they too don’t have to hide them. That they can feel them, express them, and work through them. That they don’t have to try and stop the tears and put on a happy face. Just some light thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

And don’t worry. I’m okay. Promise. I have plans. And they are BIG. GIGANTIC. HUGE. Wanna know? Drumroll please. I’m taking baby steps, one at a time, forward;) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are both crying on the inside, and smiling on the outside. I feel ya;)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Back-to-School Overwhelm: When Everyone’s Emotions Are Bouncing Off the Walls

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This was me. Last night. Trying not to lose my holy loving mind. Last night = second to last night before senior year, junior year, freshman year (hello new school) and eighth grade start. Last night equaled total and utter, well, I don’t even have the words. Everyone was bouncing off. of. the. walls. and their emotions right there with ’em.

Excitement for a new year.

Stress from getting everything ready (finishing summer work included!)

Anxiety from the transition of summer to school, the land of work and more responsibility (and double transition, so double anxiety for my freshman as he starts a new school).

Sadness that summer is wrapping up and there was one week of amazing and a bunch of other weeks of eh. Summer 2024 was what it was. As JLo said, “Oh, it was a summer.” I share ALL of the emotions plus a few hundred more;) Okay, maybe just a few more.

Sadness and worry are at the top of my list. I’m feeling so bummed that summer vacation is over. I’m often like, “when does school start?” but not this year. I have never wanted to freeze time and also add time more in my life. The fall = mega stress and I am simply not ready for it. Not. One. Iota. And worry? Oh I am worried for each of my boys for different reasons. Not nervous, but mama worried, like my heart hurts worried, and back to school is kicking it up too many notches to count.

So as they bounced off the wall, I REALLY wanted to join them, but tried ever so hard to be the non-bouncy one. But oh, oh it got to a point where it was just too much.

So I took this picture instead of losing it. You know, “capture the moment, capture the yell.” The photo made me laugh. My kids were all, “what is she doing?” Three of them were literally standing around me, ALL talking to me at once as I started to take the selfie.

After I took the picture, I somewhat successfully encouraged everyone to each take some “lets each chill by ourselves” time. It settled everyone down for a little bit. Emphasis on little:) But it was something.

And I needed that little something. So did they. Today will be as overwhelming to my nervous system as last night. And tonight will be worse. Heck, this week is gonna be tough. Knowing this though, is a win. It makes it all easier as I can plan to (1) take care of myself so I’m in a good place and quasi ready to deal and (2) manage the expected triggers like exhausted kids, hangry kids, and adjustment to a new schedule and having to rush.

Here’s to knowing the challenges and being able to therefore mentally prepare for them the best we can. Do you have a challenge you are preparing for this week?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and also wishing everyone in the U.S. a Happy Labor Day.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

* not the best of picture of me lol, but woefully accurate of how I felt