Tag Archives: Anxiety

When a Teen Health Scare Changes the Way You See Everything

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I experienced the most beautiful thing Friday afternoon with my son. Two weeks earlier, I had experienced a most scary moment with him. This son eats, breathes, lives for volleyball, plays year round. He was on the court for the first game of the high school season. I turned to his younger brother, who is just getting into the game, and said, “Something doesn’t look right. Your brother looks gray. He looks out of it. He must not have slept well.”

Just then, the ball headed to him. He positioned his body to hit it. Now, he has done this loads of times in the same gym, same lighting conditions. Folks, he completely whiffed. Not a little, but a heck of a lot.

And it wasn’t just an oops, “I misjudged and had a bad swing.” It was a, “what just happened to me” kind of miss. Afterwards, he blinked rapidly and rubbed his eyes. He looked up to the stands, scanning the crowd for me. Once he spotted me, he started motioning to me, pointing to his eyes, mouthing something to me which I of course couldn’t understand seeing as I was far away from him but I loved that he was trying to communicate with me 🙂 I was so grateful to be there, to have witnessed that event.

It was unsettling to say the least. But I was glad to be able to see it with my own eyes. The game continued. He did not play well. He was completely off. Something clearly was bothering his eyes, his head. The game ended and he rushed over to me.

“Mom, mom. I need to go to a doctor. I feel like I am going to pass out. I can’t stand the bright lights. My head hurts.” Indeed, his eyes were completely dilated. Of course he couldn’t stand the lights.

“What happened on the court?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I lost track of the ball. Everything went blurry. I couldn’t see it. It’s like what happened right before spring vacation.” I’ve had vision problems for years and ended up at a neuro-ophthalmologist in NYC to help me out. It’s unsettling when everything goes blurry and it hurts like heck under bright lights.

I took him to the pediatrician the next day and he cleared him of the major stuff (no concussion, no medications, anxiety attack, etc…) and agreed with the eye specialist I had set for Thursday…and neurologist for potential ocular migraines like me, or more.

It was a miracle that we got an eye appointment within two days. This doctor is normally at least six months but my son’s symptoms were deemed emergency.

Now, he always had an ever so slight nearsighted diagnosis, but not worthy of glasses or cause of symptoms. Turns out, it changed.

But barely…just enough for glasses…but not the cause of the symptoms. “Get glasses, but also get to a neurologist,” the eye doctor said to us. Swell, I thought. Another appointment to fight for.

So good news, but not total relief news. But good enough news. Because it’s what brings me to the most beautiful part of the story. Friday I took my son to pick up his glasses. I wish I had video. You know those videos of babies hearing for the first time? Or seeing for the first time? Where you just can’t help but cry?

Okay, imagine a teenager who doesn’t smile a lot. Now, put glasses on him for the first time in his life. Then, add the biggest, shite eating grin ever. And leave it on there for at least an hour. Or longer.

“MOM! OMG! Everything is so clear! The colors are so bright! OMG! OMG! I can see so well!” He. Couldn’t. Stop. Smiling. It was so incredibly beautiful. The optometrist was smiling. I was crying (discreetly of course, because you know, with teens in public lol.) Another mom was smiling, telling me when her daughter got her pair of glasses.

It was beautiful beyond words. Beyond words. I’m tearing up now thinking about it. I love this kid and how much he appreciates the beauty in the world. While the glasses don’t provide a total explanation of his symptoms, they do provide a little relief from the total stress of the situation. They do provide some clarity, some peace and for that I am grateful. For me, for him. It’s been just a few days with his glasses and my son is still smiling EVEN THOUGH he doesn’t love how he looks.

I mean, he’s a teenager with a little acne and now with glasses. BUT he can see the world in a better light and that is making everything a little bit better. How’s that for inspiring? We don’t always have to be 100% positive. Nope. But how about just see things in a little bit better of a light so that we can handle things, so that we can endure the hard things – the long waits for answers, the getting through tough challenges, the exhausting new parenting seasons – just a little bit better? Not ignore the hard things, not, not talk about them. Just adjust our mindsets, our views, our actions so that we can handle the hard stuff a little bit easier.

It just feels so much better to feel BOTH. The hard stuff and then add in some good stuff too. Like seeing the beauty in life a little more clearly. The sun is shining here again today. Gosh, I’m grateful. It’s cheesy as all get out. I know.

But I’m going to absorb all the happiness of seeing and feeling the sunshine I can get today. I need it to help me get through this week. What beauty can you fully absorb today? What do you find utterly beautiful? Or what do you create that’s beautiful?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Adult Friendship and Anxiety: What It Feels Like to Still Be Looking for Your People

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I had a different post planned for this morning. Something fun and upbeat. Something I knew everyone could relate to as a mom. Something I knew would lift me up, would bring me alive a bit.

And then last night happened. With a quick press on “send,” I was reminded how much I am struggling with friendships in this stage of life, with being accepted for who I am, with finding my people. I have a hunch I’m not alone in this, so here’s today’s post. May reading it and perhaps knowing you aren’t alone, uplift you 🙂

I sit here now, and I can’t help but think about how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I guess, how hard it has always been for me to make friends, to keep them even.

I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember what it felt like to be rejected from friend groups at overnight camp when I was thirteen-ish, just because I was a little different.

I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember how I always felt like the third, or fourth wheel in elementary school, always the friend last to be called, sometimes even forgotten.

I sit here now, and I can’t help but remember all of the times in my life when I have been asked to be a part of friend groups, but my anxiety got in the way. I was sure they wouldn’t really like me or fully accept me. That’s what history told me. Anxiety, being bullied, and self-doubt are quite the tri-fecta, you know 😉

I sit here now, and I think of how I went to message someone who I have been friendly with for a while, only to discover I couldn’t.

I really liked this person. We had similar life stories. Similar values. She writes too, and I really thought that we could be friends, that we could connect over the ups and downs of this life. I was excited.

And I was blocked. Suddenly, as the “message failed to send” popped up, so did a lifetime of pain and insecurities. The upside? Years past, I would have spent a long while asking myself, what did I do wrong? What did I say? Why doesn’t she like me? I would have spent hours reading messages, looking for clues for how I screwed up, how I acted weird, how I could have done better.

Last night, I simply was floored. I knew it wasn’t me. I knew I did nothing wrong. I was simply kind. Supportive. Excited for her. I was myself. The truth is, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’ve accepted that. (Okay, kind of.) And maybe it really wasn’t personal(ish.) And also… Another truth? It still hurts to be rejected.

And it’s disappointing to lose a connection that you thought, hoped, could have been a source of support. For me, it’s hard to find said support in a writing world that often feels lonely, confusing and harsh. Finding someone who got it felt lovely. Oh, and one more truth? It’s disheartening. Putting yourself out there, making new connections, sharing bits of yourself, being vulnerable as you do so, only to learn, “yeah, I’m actually not interested in chatting more?” Yeah, that’s hard.

Hard is actually quite the understatement. What’s harder is feeling lonely at times.

What’s harder is not having a lot of connections with people who understand you, who accept you, who share your joy, who see your pain.

What’s harder is not being able to easily find people with similar interests, similarish personalities, similarish stories so that they understand yours (mine is complex so this does matter.)

What’s harder is not having people to talk to about topics you love and find interesting, about problems you need some thoughts on, about shared memories and future planned memories.

What would be even harder? Giving up and no longer putting yourself out there. Making friends is hard at any age. But it’s important. Connection is a human need.

So keep going. Keep trying. I should and you should too. We all deserve it. Last night hurt. I take solace though knowing it wasn’t me.

And I take solace knowing how many wonderful people I have met here that are my online friends:) that I connect with daily and that I *will* all ten fingers crossed, meet someday at a big ‘ole Orange Rhino dinner at the beach. In friendship I send you warmth and strength,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

P.S. #1 You’re always welcomed and accepted here. Xoxo

P.S. #2 I didn’t mean to take this picture. I was trying to take a picture of the snow outside and had it on selfie mode by mistake.

But I looked so peaceful. So there you go. I will find me people and so will you. Again, xoxo   ​

Should You Help Your Teen Clean Their Room? The Question That Changed My Approach

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Do I help my teen clean his room? The answer yesterday was a game changer. This was the question of the day after school yesterday.

This particular child’s room has been a disgusting mess for days on end (for decent reason which I am not gonna get into.) He did his laundry – awesome – however it now decorated the floor. The areas of the floor that were untouched were covered in miscellaneous stuff, popcorn kernels, candy wrappers, an iPad, homework (I think), and who knows what else.

I have asked for the room to be picked up and even offered to help (as I often do) – but things have been a little stressful for this child as of late (for both of us, actually) so follow through has been tough and my help has even been denied. The growing mess has been getting to me.

So I have pondered, how much do I keep pushing for either him to do it alone, or do it with me, or do I cave and do it myself?

Ideally we would do it together but…ideal doesn’t always happen! I decided not too long ago that I only had so much energy per day and that I needed to put it where it mattered most in order to manage my own mental health.

I have so many things I want to teach my kids – actual actions and values. But, I can’t prioritize teaching everything everyday. I only have so much bandwidth. I have to pick and choose. It wasn’t as easy deciding where to put my energy and focus as I thought it would be (it all feels important.) A clean room is the perfect example.

On the one hand, teaching my kids responsibility is super important to me. Taking care of their things, ie. keeping a clean room falls under that category. At the same time, a clean room is way more important to me and not my kids so there was always a battle to get the job done on a daily basis.

I am motivated to have a clean room; they simply are not! It is not on their priority list at all. And, my boys were seeking a little control wherever they could find it (as teens, kids, humans all do.) And, I, I was seeking a little peace wherever I could find it.

So, we compromised. Their rooms, their messes, their responsibility. I accepted that they would learn responsibility a different way – as they lost things in their messes, as their rooms smelled, as they found they didn’t like it so much – they would learn to be more responsible on their terms.

And they accepted that once a week, they had to clean up and vacuum and take trash out, no matter what. I wouldn’t “nag” daily if they cleaned once a week. And oh, I accepted that I could shut the door and not see the mess 😉 It has mostly worked. Kids vacuum on their own because they hate how it gets. They put their clothes away when they realize that their clothes are getting too wrinkled to look cool when worn. They are getting there.

This is working well for us under our circumstances. But then there was yesterday and this one room that just wasn’t getting the love, despite my requests and offerings of help. It has been driving me crazy making me doubt myself and my parenting choice – should I have put the energy into making bedrooms clean daily? Did I prioritize wrong?

It has also been driving me crazy because of MY own beliefs. I like clean rooms. I believe that a space impacts the mind and mental health (this is me and my experience, not all agree which is fine and totally not the point here.) Teaching my kids the importance of taking care of one’s mental health is also important to me, just like teaching responsibility.

Should I have prioritized that aspect of a clean room?! Aaaah!!! On top of all this, this kiddo is having a hard time and MY anxiety has been kicking in that being in this messy, messy room so much isn’t helping him out so much.

I also know that he does agree – he has said as much in the past after he cleans his room and comments how much he prefers it. And yet, he is pushing me away and not accepting my help or doing it on his own. We have been in a stalemate (right, isn’t that what it is called?) And yet, I said I wouldn’t nag. I said I would let them all be, I would respect their spaces.

But also…his darn retainer was missing and that, that costs money and that was really bothering me. I had mentioned that if it wasn’t found he would be paying for a new one. He was none too thrilled with that. Any who…

Yesterday, I went to his room to remind him ever so lovingly about the missing retainer and that I said we could look together. I opened the door and saw that WHOA! he was finally folding his laundry!

Cue my internal debate. (1) Let him continue on his own and own the responsibility, this is amazing and wonderful… -OR- (2) Let go of my pride of “teaching a lesson” and the thought that “well finally, I only asked how many times, I am definitely not helping because it didn’t happen upon first request per our deal” and offer to help knowing that in doing so, it gives me an opportunity to connect and also, knowing that it teaches over important lessons: teamwork and grace.

I went with option two and I am SO glad that I did. I generally choose option two, but this time was sweeter. This teen and I have been butting heads big time. It seems every word out of my mouth irritates him. It feels like every word out of his mouth irritates me 🙂 Nothing I do or say is right. BUT, while helping him, he opened up. In doing a task together, while talking, it took some of the stress and discomfort of a direct talk away.

Also, this kiddo speaks more calmly when doing something, especially with his hands. (A lot of people do, by the way. Think of chats while throwing a ball, taking a walk, cooking, doing a puzzle.)

“Mom, you really frustrate me. You say it seems like I am angry all the time. I am not angry, I am just frustrated. There is a difference you know. I am working hard at school and I don’t think you see that. I know my grades aren’t great but I am improving. You frustrate me because you say you know, but then you ask me to work harder.”

Wow. An awesome, awesome, communication. Hard to hear, but valuable as heck. (Frustrating that he isn’t hearing that I do know how hard he is working, but alas, I was trying to listen not lecture.) But wait for this one.

Beautiful that he knows this about himself, more so that he shared it…. “I know it looks like I am not doing a lot, but I am. Small steps at a time mom. You know I don’t like doing new things. It is uncomfortable for me. So I am taking a small step. When I feel comfortable doing that, then I take another step, and then I will take another step. I know my progress is slow, but it is progress. It will all add up. I will get there.”

And I am crying. Hey kiddo? Can I just tell you, in regards to parenting teens, “I know my progress is slow, but it is progress and I am learning thanks to you?” So very grateful for this interaction and that I didn’t lose it due to yelling or getting all overly annoyed over the status of a room.

I learned so much about his thinking and where he is at. He still struggled to understand that I did see his hard work and that I appreciated it and also…that time was of the essence so that while his approach makes sense, he also needs to kick it up a notch. But more so, that I know that he can!

Again, the darn fine line of parenting teens. I need to push him out of his comfort zone, but not too much, not too little. Push too hard and I shut him down. Push too little, he stays where he is which isn’t working so well (he just doesn’t fully see it because well, he is a teen.)

But alas, his words were right. He will get there. I need to believe in him a bit more. I need to let go even more than I have and have faith that he is on his way to understanding himself and what he needs.

And…I need to accept that I am not the only one anymore that understands and knows what he needs (and this isn’t just in regards to grades, it applies to other things too.) Oh, this parenting thing is hard. One step at a time. We can do it! (And hey, by the way. My teen’s comments about his own growth are awesome words of wisdom when going after a goal like yelling less;) just saying.) © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Anxiety Before a Doctor’s Appointment: When Your Brain Makes the Day Harder

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Good morning. It is Thursday. Apparently. It is also December. Apparently. How either of these basic, expected facts are true I do not know. I swear yesterday was just Monday morning and the start to a long week and I swear yesterday was just my 1st day back as The Orange Rhino. I know it is cliche but where is the time going? I need it to slow down.

An update since many of you messaged me. Yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was good. Once I got there. Need to share the before I got there part. So here I was, already a nervous mess, sitting on the train. I decided to open the dr’s medical app to review notes / test results from the past year. Upon opening at 9:23 am, I see that it says “Appointment today at 9:15.” HOLY SH*T I start panicking and crying and thinking “how did I f this up…and I am not surprised I did…I f up lots of appointments lately” and blah blah blah and “now I have to wait another 6 months and this sucks” and more blah blah blah.

Went down the whole rabbit hole of self hatred. I called the office immediately and told them I had the appointment for 11 and that was the reminder I received.

Their response? “Oh yes, but you also had one at 9:15 and you have one at 9:45.” I informed them I was 5 min away from the train station and then would either have to (1) walk/attempt to run in the rain to the appt which would take 20 min at least or (2) fight with everyone for a cab in the rain.

She told me not to worry but to hurry.

So, here I am. Back pack on (I had brought stuff to do in case appt ran late). I check out the taxi line and realize that ain’t happening and I need to get away from the station first.

So I start running. As a mom who had four children. Who apparently needed to pee. If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.

So after running for a solid 6 seconds it was clear: I would NOT be running unless I wanted to have an accident. Swell.

So I walked as fast as I could and then luckily a cab literally pulled up by me (I say literally because it was so close it splashed me lol) and this lovely man jumped out and even held the door for me as I got in. He must have seen the panic in my eyes. I roll up as close to the appt as the driver can get and I start walking as fast as possible again. I arrive and go to the dr and start to check in.

Except I am on the wrong floor. Neurology has three floors in the building and I got mixed up (because I have been to all three!) Anywho, so here I am, just having hauled ass to arrive as fast as possible to be greeted by someone at check in who I clearly didn’t talk to on the phone earlier, because the greeting was: “Yes, lets check you in for your 11 appointment. You are totally on time. You just have two quick tests before your appointment and sometimes day of the app will add those tests as appointments for two hours earlier. You won’t actually do the tests for another 30 min or so. So have a seat.”

FOLKS. At this point, I am dripping in sweat. I was wearing a sweater and a lined rain coat because it was cold!!! Not exactly walk-as-fast-as-humanly-possible / work out type of clothes! I go to the bathroom and dry off using the super comfortable scratchy-aren’t-really-working hand towels and then sit and wait. All my stress just to wait. Ugh.

Silver lining? I made it and the appointment didn’t need to be re-scheduled and another one? I got extra exercise in. The tech called me back and I had my tests done which in layman’s terms test to see if part of my eye is thinning (it shouldn’t be). From what I could tell, the results were the same as May which were the same as February which all means good news.

The Dr. confirmed that she was no longer worried about Glaucoma / vision loss and felt that my thin nerves are my standard. They still need to be monitored every 6 months given other symptoms and test results but now she is more confident and doesn’t need to repeat any other tests or order more MRI’s. (Last February I needed a brain MRI and met with numerous other specialists to understand my vision issues. There was no visual explanation to the thinning or other symptoms which was concerning. I didn’t have a tumor in my brain or behind my eye. Thank goodness.)

This was and is obviously GREAT NEWS. My neuro exam, however, wasn’t completely normal and I need to do more testing. She feels confident that I am experiencing migraines that don’t present as a typical headache…and confident that one diagnosis that a specialist wanted to explore can still remain on the back burner. For now. I have anxiety so just knowing this one diagnosis is still floating out there and isn’t crossed off yet is hard BUT I have learned the following…

Worrying about it now, in this moment, doesn’t do me any good! It just doesn’t. So I am focusing on the fact that apparently it is December and that my favorite day of the year is 24 days away and I want to enjoy every day leading up to it. I am a walking Hallmark movie character – I absolutely love Christmas and all the magic and hope and joy that can come with it. Seriously, anyone know how to get me into a Hallmark movie so I can walk around an adorably decorated town with my hot chocolate in hand and my perfect winter outfit?

Kidding. Kind of. This month reminds me to be present more than others – to enjoy the season of giving, to all. So here is to giving – not just gifts, but also giving patience, comfort, support, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, open-mindedness, hope, laughter, and most importantly love. Love to others and love to ourselves.

Here’s to giving love. (And to good news and not peeing my pants on the way to my appointment!) Thank you all for being here

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino