Here’s the thing –> I truly didn’t realize how I felt which is how I got to this photo. So yeah, holy moly do I have a story for you all! I have a *hunch* you all might just relate and maybe, just maybe (okay I hope lol) you’ve had a similar experience lately? If not, just fib and say, yes, Sheila, of course we have!
So yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment to review my adhd medication and antidepressants. No shame there ladies (and gentleman or two I think.) Yep I have anxiety and situational depression that I deal with – it is what it is.
Anyway, standard question. “Sooo, how’s it going?” I hadn’t seen this doctor in three months. Like, I was going to answer this question quick and easy peasy?
I gave bullet points. “Well, let’s see. All my kids are giving me agita at the same time – this has never, ever happened in my life. (I proceeded to share details. Fairly certain heart rate proceeded to increase as well.) I am worried about each one and it’s impacting my sleep. I legit have stressmares where I am processing all the challenges.” I said.
“Okay….” She said, as I interrupted her.
“But wait, there’s more! The renovation has basically been an emotional and literal disaster even though I’m grateful. It is exhausting and taking up so much time. Plus I’m trying to kinda sorta launch a company which I could drop so I could focus more on parenting but honestly, I am already giving so much to parenting and I need to give to me too and my work is for me, it gives me hope, joy, life. You know?” I shared.
“Uh huh.” She kinda looked at me, like is there more. (Obviously, I’m truncating things here.)
“So basically, I’m just going moment by moment. It’s a lot. So much is urgent. I get through each day, wishing I had more laughter, more enjoyment even though I’ve had glimpses. The season is what it is. It’s going to get easier soon. And I know that. It is just hard right now. As I tell my community, it’s kinda lots of gray.”
Before we wrapped up the meeting I let her know that some lady yelled at me in the parking lot over the parking space I used, accusing me of parking illegally. Like what the what? I wanted to confirm I used the right spot for next time. News splash – I did. The lady just wanted to yell at me? I guess she was having a bad day, moment…aren’t we kinda all sometimes?
Kindness my friends. Ugh. We wrapped up, I admired the gorgeous pink and orange flowers in the reception area, and left. Hadn’t shed a tear even though I was close. “Huh, I guess I am handling this stress fairly well. Alrighty then.”
As I drove home, on a new path I didn’t know too well, I came to an intersection and all of a sudden, “oh shite! I’m in the wrong lane.” One angry driver next to me starts blasting his horn at me and flying his hands all around, screaming at me at the same time.
Facts.
- I made a simple mistake.
- It didn’t cause an accident.
- It wasn’t going to – there was space for both of us to merge.
- Calm the bejeebers down, I’m sorry, it wasn’t intentional.
I did arm movements to show it was an “oops” and mouthed “I’m so sorry.” He let me go and holy smokes –> I promptly burst, and I mean, burst into tears and said, “I’m just so tired of all the friggin’ challenges and mistakes! I’m doing my best darn it!”
Full blown tears people. As fast and furiously as he hit the horn. I was shocked. I wanted to blame hormones – because that is the internet’s go-to. Oh, menopause, hormones, crying for so reason.
But then I said to myself, “Sheila, screw that. Your tears are real. You are exhausted from how hard life has been. You have been go-go-going for good reason. It has been hard. Challenging. Frustrating. Disappointing. You’ve been doing your best. You don’t want to be yelled at for it. Of course that put you over. You want love. Care. Concern. You want people to show up for you— not put you down, as this man just did. As people in several of the projects you are working on have done recently. This was the straw that broke the gray rhinos back. You are human, girl. Maybe perimenopausal too, but human first!” I then wiped my tears. Laughed at myself because, perspective. I couldn’t believe that it took a man honking at me, something I can normally tolerate, to show me I need a break.
And then I promptly drove into the Wendy’s drive through for a fountain diet coke because the bubbles always taste good and I wanted to do something for me. SO this is where you go to the comments and say, “Sheil, me too. Been there, done that.” Pick any of these, tell me you get it, lol. Copy the emoji you get, or create your own.
1 the sudden crying because holy heck hit your limit!
2 the exhaustion from showing up because that is simply what you need to do right now
3 the telling yourself you refuse to let hormones be the answer to all your REAL feelings and experiences
4 the love of the bubbles in diet coke (now I want one and no seltzer is just not the same)
5 the knowing that people are showing up for you but at the same time, feeling a little unseen
This picture makes me smile, laugh, and also remember.
Girl, take a break. Get outside. Enjoy the sunshine and then take one small step to get something done because I do have things to do and letting them pile up will create stress and that is not needed. No thank you. It’s a balance.
Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if this photo and story are relatable – especially if point #5, is more than relatable. I get it. It might not seem like it, but I do see you.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
