The Secret Ingredient That Helps Me Reconnect With My Teen After a Fight

Posted on May 5, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I got into a “fight” with my teen yesterday and it reminded me of the “secret ingredient” I have to being in a good relationship with my teens. It’s an ingredient that……

helps us re-connect after a disconnect…
diffuses either of our moods so that we can enjoy each other’s company instead of suck the joy out of the room…
makes the tough moments less memorable because it makes other moments more special…

I never would have thought of it. The ingredient? Being playful. The fight? You really want to know what we fought over? Oh, I started a water fight in the kitchen 😉

It was the end of the night. He was chill. I was chill. We were just chatting. He had milk on his face, as he always does, and probably always will. He is legit a walking “Got Milk?” ad. A handsome one at that! I nicely pointed it out, and he replied with “well, since you are at the sink, can you give me a wet paper towel?”

Well…duh. Major opportunity! I wet a paper towel. Like drenched it. I was inspired by the weather here so I didn’t squeeze it out…and tossed it at him so when he caught it, it sprayed all over him. He then flicked his wet hands at me to get me wet forgetting that I was still at the sink. Rookie move dude. I turned the faucet on to spray him, obviously. He started to run. It. Was. Awesome. We were laughing. And smiling. And connecting. And bonding. And not fighting or bickering or yelling or arguing or any of that crapola. All my stress from the day disappeared. I imagine for him too.

It was one of the highlights of my week. If you told me eighteen months ago that this teen and I would be laughing together instead of me hiding in my bathroom crying, I wouldn’t have believed you, but here I am. We got here because of the other secret ingredient – I trusted him and let him try to fly.

I believed in him and gave him more room to grow. And as I treated him as he wanted to be treated, as I treated him like the person I believed he could be, and he grew, and I started relaxing and being more playful, our relationship grew. It has been amazing.

Is it perfect all the time? Nope. We still have our moments but the difference is so much better.

It’s funny. When I first started out trying to stop yelling, I did everything and anything to keep a yell from coming out of my mouth. Talked like a robot. Talked like I had marshmallows in my mouth. Talked like Bugs Bunny (What’s up son?) Whispered.

Said silly things like, “ooogaschmoogabooga!”

These “tricks” worked for a lot of reasons (for my goal of not yelling in the moment, we all know I needed to look deeper to stop yelling for the long run.) In the obvious way, they:

Gave my voice, my mouth, something else to do.
Made the kids focus more to listen.
Made the kids laugh which made us all feel better.
Helped us all to chillax in tense moments.

In the less obvious way, but just as important, these tricks:
Calmed my nervous system down by making me talk slower, and reduced stress in my body by balancing out all the hormones that go all over the place when in fight or flight.

So, lots of good benefits, right? I mean, and lets not forget the biggest two: they all helped me to stop yelling and get to a better place which therefore allowed us all to either connect or re-connect. Wins, wins all around.

The theme of all the tips? Being playful. I don’t worry about yelling at my teens as much as I did when they were seven and under. I am in a much better place, as are they. The dynamic has shifted.

So I don’t use these tricks as much to make sure I don’t yell but…these “tricks” are still applicable.
They still diffuse tension.
They still make us laugh.
They still help to reduce stress.
They still help us all to chillax.
They still help my nervous system after a long day.
They still help us to connect.

Being playful, being silly, it brings the intensity down so many notches, which is really needed with teens (and okay, me.)

Teens are struggling with holding on to being a kid and joining the world of being way more responsible. It is an intense place to be, I remember. (And also, okay, as a mom of a teen, it is also intense knowing that letting go even more is coming.) My kids enjoy my playfulness 98% of the time, sometimes I time it way wrong. It is a welcome break from all the intensity of school, social drama, worrying about the future (which even if not spoken about at home, is spoken about by friends and society), and changes they go through at this stage. Life is simply intense for them – good and not so much.

When I respond to my teens in a playful way, they are pleasantly surprised and I think relieved. It is kind of like how my making mistakes shows them being perfect isn’t the goal and is totally human and okay. Phew! Being playful is the same – it reminds them that as they become teens and “grow up” they can still be totally playful. Playful in the silly way, not “less than intelligent teen” way.

I know they know this (based on the evidence in my house, ahem, behavior I still see) but I also see glimpses of them trying to hold back. I can’t tell you their absolute favorite thing I do because it would embarrass them and that is a no go.

But I will say that it absolutely proves that they like the break from being a teen, that they like the flashback to being a little kid, when life was a little easier. It’s funny, I mean it isn’t funny, and that is just an odd saying, but whatev (feel like talking like teens did when I was one,) I started out being silly to try and get their attention. It was absolutely intentional. I wanted to do something so different that they had to see me, hear me, stop what they were doing, look up from their screens and look at me and wonder, “what the heck is mom doing?” It worked.

I got their attention. But I got more than the focused attention I wanted. I got loving attention. They looked at me with affection, with twinkles in their eyes. Smirks on their lips.

And then feigned annoyance in their voices which really meant, “Aw mom, I love you and you are so ridiculous.” We shared a moment. And getting those moments is so hard these days with moods and schedules and more moods and more schedules. Being ridiculous was so worth it. Beyond worth it.

So yeah, I started out being playful to get their attention, but now I do it because it turns out being playful isn’t just an effective tool to stop yelling, but it is a really fun way to start connecting. And on that note, it is time to make the Donuts (well get them) because that’s what we do if they are awake on time and my goodness, somehow everyone is ready on time today. Sending playful energy your way today, xoxo, The Orange Rhino © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

People-Pleasing: How I’m Learning to Put Myself on the List

Posted on May 3, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I am a people pleaser. Always have been, will not always be (at least that is the current plan.) I am working to pay attention more to who I please to make sure that I too am on that list. That my needs, my wishes, my thoughts, my concerns, my opinions, my dreams are on my personal people pleasing list.

Because I matter too. And while I know this on a higher level, I often forget it at a deeper level, especially when it comes to tough situations.

When I want to avoid major, major discomfort, I abandon myself and what I need. I don’t listen to my own inner voice that is yelling at me, that is so clearly saying, “hey girl, you matter too. What do you want? Need? What is your body telling you?”

Needless to say, not listening to myself in these situations doesn’t end up feeling good or work out well in the long run. It isn’t just tough situations where I don’t listen to my own inner voice and try to people please instead, where it doesn’t work out so well.

It can be day to day situations, like making weekend plans. And it isn’t even just situations that involve others. Sometimes people pleasing is directly pleasing others; sometimes it is indirect, i.e. by going with trends, popular opinions when making a decision.

When I can’t hear my own inner voice loud enough and need to make a decision, I try to go with what others think and say, I try to agree with them, to please them in a way. Right now, I am struggling with two simple decisions: what color patio furniture to get, and what tagline to do 😉

I am so used to people pleasing, that my own inner voice isn’t strongly telling me what to do. I am not used to trusting my gut as much as I used to. It is a wee bit of a problem. I am aware.

A simple situation on vacation a month ago really proved to me that this whole people pleasing thing really wasn’t working out and needed a reboot. The discussion of where to go to dinner came up. I don’t recall details except that it was clear to me that I cared more about the outcome than others, for a variety of valid reasons that I can’t remember.

And yet, I didn’t stand up for my opinion. I wanted to keep the peace. I wanted to keep people happy. I wanted to please people. So I kept my mouth shut. All seven of us went to the one restaurant that I didn’t want to go to because the menu was limited for me. I tried real hard to be at peace with the place and appear content and happy. I really did. But I kinda failed. Apparently my discontent was written all over my face as I looked over the menu and struggled to find anything that I really liked or could (would) eat.

Perhaps the face that they really saw though was the one that was thinking, “Why didn’t you say how you felt? Why didn’t you stand up for your needs and wants? You matter too. It is okay to make sure you are happy too. You can be on the people pleasing list too. This isn’t the first time this week you did this.”

And later, in the middle of the meal, as I sat picking at my food, hungry and disappointed in my food (myself), they definitely saw the face that suddenly peaked up after a major realization.

“Time out. Crapola. This whole people pleasing business doesn’t actually always work. I tried to make others happy by putting their needs first. But in keeping my mouth shut, I became discontent which has put me in a bit of a mood. So now I am struggling to be present and am being grumpy so I am really not ‘pleasing anyone.’ I am actually displeasing people! Which totally wasn’t my goal, I do like to make people happy and I said yes to this restaurant to do that and yet…not doing that at all! This people pleasing has all backfired. I can’t always get what I want when I share my wishes and wants and needs, but at least I can share and not have them fester inside of me, making me cranky.”

It was a major lightbulb moment.

My people pleasing wasn’t actually people pleasing. Whoa. The reality at the meal was that my frustration had been building all week. My frustration wasn’t entirely with the menu. My frustration was mostly with myself, with the fact that I didn’t listen to the voice in my head that was yelling so it could be heard saying, “Hey, I have an opinion, and it matters, and I would like to share it. I am tired of you putting me on the back burner all week girl. This is your vacation too.”

People pleasing is a habit. It has a purpose, it has history. I am well aware of that. Working to re-write this history isn’t easy, but I am doing it, slowly. I kinda have no choice. Because people pleasing isn’t pleasing me so well.

Yes, sometimes it feels good to “people please” and put them first. But more often than not, I am discovering that as I “people please” and don’t put me on that list, as I focus so much on others’ wishes and wants and needs and opinions and let mine fade away, I make life harder for myself, more stressful, less enjoyable, less authentic. I will not totally abandon thinking of others and pleasing others because that is something I value – in a way.

But I am tweaking how I do it, how I define it, and what my boundaries are, because my current relationship with pleasing others isn’t always healthy. I can not keep doing it at the expense of myself all the time. Yes, there are times when it is okay to put others first. Absolutely, I am okay with that.

But that can’t be my go to. I am not sure what my new “people pleasing” boundaries and rules will be. I just know that my mind, my body (yes, literally) and my heart are all yelling at me to listen to them to figure it out. I am listening. I am learning. I am trying. Sending warmth and confidence your way today.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Parenting Teens: How Kids Can Make You Want to Scream With Frustration and Joy

Posted on April 17, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Let’s be totally honest – kids make you want to scream with frustration and also, with joy, with excitement, with pride, with love. I had one of the latter moments yesterday. And fear you not, several of the others as well, both before and after the good moment.

It’s just been a trying time here in this Orange Rhino household of teens lately, which is why this one yelling moment out of joy was that much more special.

My boys were at their dad’s this weekend. They often don’t call when they are there. At first it really hurt and I took it personally, not gonna lie. Then, after several weekends of them saying the same thing the minute they walked in the door, “Hi mom! Love you! Sorry I didn’t call this weekend but…” I started to understand where they were coming from with not calling and didn’t take it as personal.

And I knew we were both having a hard time with the adjustment. The upside to this? When I do get a call?! Especially when one kiddo who never, ever calls?! It is that much more golden.

Okay, well, it is 50/50 golden when he calls. Scratch that. 33/33/33 (and can someone please come up with a clever way to make that sound easy like 50/50. Is it 33% equally? 33% all around? I don’t know. Anywho.)

33% chance he needs me to do something for him which while annoying and totally teenager, I still welcome the chance to hear his voice, the opportunity to talk to him about life and the fun of talking to a third person about calling just because he needs something. We are still learning phone manners here. Holy schnikes!

This is of course his favorite thing I do. Insert eye rolls. After he finishes his request for some game thing or another, I’ll playfully go “Oh, hi mom. I just called to say I love you. I need something and that something is to talk to! I miss you!”

He’ll giggle, yes giggle, and say, “I know, sorry. Hi mom, how are you, how is your weekend?”

33% something is wrong. There was the time he Face-timed me. Then I was actually worried and rightfully so because one look and I knew something was wrong – this was the beginning of the great Hand Mouth Throat takeover of 2022.

It was swell. And the 33% Sheer Joy. The truth is just calling to say I love you or I am thinking of you. Which brings us to yesterday’s call.

“So mom, I was just thinking. I was watching You Tube…” I tried to stay focused but all I could think was oh lordy, what crazy, ridiculous story am I going to hear and have to pretend to be excited about or have to “not lecture” about but somehow teach about the inappropriateness of the content?!

Focus, girl, focus. He called for you. Embrace the moment! Believe there is good to come!

“…and somehow I ended up watching a video about…” bracing myself… “extinct animals.” SAFE, I think?! “Oh, cool!” I said enthusiastically.

“And then, they started talking about Rhinos actually. And how people are killing them for their horns and how they could be extinct soon. And it made me think of you.”

Needed to brace myself again. This had complete and utter potential to go two ways:

(1) It made me think of you dying or

(2) it made me think of you and The Orange Rhino.

This was a legit 50/50. No 33% equally here! We journey on into the conversation. “It did? How so?” I asked curiously, and genuinely. I was so touched that he made a connection to me when seeing Rhinos.

“Well, you know how you are The Orange Rhino?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking. I mean, you don’t let me have Facebook or social media so I don’t know how it works, but like, maybe people don’t know what The Orange Rhino is?”

Yes, SAFE!

“Maybe they are confused and are thinking it is about saving Rhinos? And maybe they think there are actually Orange Rhinos? And also, you know how I want to make money? Maybe I could work for you somehow? I don’t know. Just thought of you. Wanted to share. That’s it.”

“WOW, sweetheart. That is totally awesome. I am really touched, truly. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” I said and as I write, I sit here tearing up, a voice inside me yelling with joy, “YES! He is a love! He does think of me!”

“So seriously, can I work for you somehow and make money?” And now I giggled, because, well, kids.

“I don’t know honey, but maybe. We will see. I do love your insights though and they are spot on. I am actually working right now to make it more clear what an Orange Rhino is. Way to go. Hope you are having a great weekend.”

“I am. Okay. Love you. Bye.”

And that was that. But so much more than that.

One of the reasons I started writing again was for my boys to see me “working” and doing something I love. To see me having goals and going after them. To see me having dreams and chasing them. My son saw me enough to think of me when not with me and so much so to call me. Major win yesterday, a major win. YELLING with excitement!

And also, he is right. Perhaps there is confusion to all who are new or even anyone who sees the phrase “The Orange Rhino.” What is it? I know it was a little more clear when I had the word Challenge there. Oh, it’s a challenge. And then clearly, one look at my website, oh, a challenge to stop yelling.

But why a rhino? Well, one day in the beginning when I was searching for a symbol so I could remain anonymous, my son was yelling at me while picking his nose. I said calmly, “If I can’t yell what does that mean for you?”

He replied, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” This inspired me to google Rhino for some reason (my brain works in wondrous ways) and voila…

“Grey Rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked (threatened.)”

Well, I’ll be! I was a Grey Rhino. I charged when provoked vis-a-vis yelling and saw myself as naturally calm. Anywho, I wanted to respond with warmth and love and no longer with yelling. I needed the energy and determination to do so time and time again. I needed the color Orange in my life! And so, The Orange Rhino was born! The Orange Rhino did appear to face extinction for a while, but really, was just evolving.

And wow, as I write that, powerful statement, no? How often do we think we are on a dead end path but really we are gathering information, experiences and insights to help us on a new path? We just don’t realize it at the time of course…. I thought The Orange Rhino was headed towards extinction, but really was just evolving. The Orange Rhino still represents Yelling Less, but now, also more. The Orange Rhino represents Yelling Less all Around – at our kids, at ourselves, from ourselves and from our lives.

Because yelling doesn’t just happen because of our kids, and it doesn’t just happen towards our kids.

Yelling happens because of ourselves and our thoughts, the negative ones we listen to too much, the positive ones we don’t listen to enough.

Yelling happens because of our lives, our connections, our experiences, our actions, our inactions.

The Orange Rhino is evolving, but at the core is still the same thing: warmth and love. Warmth and love for my kids, Warmth and Love for myself, and making sure I am in a life that is giving Warmth and Love back to me. My son gave me loads of warmth and love yesterday with a simple phone call. I won’t get all moments right with him, nor him with me. Neither of us are perfect.

But we enjoy the moments we do get right. I am an Orange Rhino, and he is one in the making – and we are both still human. Sending loads and warmth and love this Monday morning, xoxo, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why Belonging Has Always Mattered So Much to Me

Posted on March 25, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Apparently, I have always just wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to belong. To be a part of something. To not be the third wheel. To not be the odd one who overshared her feelings. To not be the one who had to explain herself, why she acted how she did. I realized this yesterday morning and it was a doooozy. Repeat, a doooozy. Total, utter, doozy. Even writing it just now brought tears to my eyes.

Where did this come from? Oh, just a simple question from Rachel, a.k.a. The Hands Free Revolution in her new book Soul Shift. She asked (notice how I write she, not the book, that is how it reads, truly like a conversation with a friend.) The question was about our childhood and happy memories – something like that.

My mind oddly went to, well, there are a few but sh*t, mostly, I just felt left out. I felt different. I felt like I was always trying to be seen for who I was; trying to be accepted for who I was; trying to also hide who I was.

Needless to say, I thought Thursday was hard because I thought I was going to lose you all, my “In Case of Emergency” folks.

Well, yesterday made Thursday look easy. But even though it was hard as heck to realize how much I longed for acceptance as a child – and lets face it – still do as an adult, it was beautiful. I write as tears stream down my face. Tears that are probably 40 something years old. This realization undoubtedly popped out ahead of all other memories as I have been working on acceptance as a core part of the future of The Orange Rhino – so it was really cool to make this connection. And also, really cool for me as a growing person to realize.

I don’t read a lot. Reading is actually really hard for me. Always has been. (Did you know that writing is too? That is why my style is what it is – whatever flows out, flows out.) But I do love to read books that make me think about my life and personal growth. And when I find a book that is amazing, that makes me profoundly think, that makes me fold every page so I make sure to go back and re-read and re-read because the thoughts have stuck with and instantly helped me, my difficulty with reading disappears and I find the stamina to power through. And oddly enough, to do so at lightning speed.

There are literally a handful of books in this category. Books with titles that I never forget, unlike my kids’ names that I seem to mix up daily! My dear Rachel, your book #SoulShiftBook is now in that category along with other New York Times Bestsellers…

Atomic Habits by James Clear
10% Happier by Dan Harris
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Soul Shift by Rachel Macy Stafford

The Hands Free Revolution I kid you not. This book is golden. Y’all, I recall from my last post about this book how many of you have this book on your wish list. I know times are financially tough for many. I also know how impactful this book is and I want you to have it. I want to support you. I want you to feel how I have felt. I know I have said I have felt like crap. Yes, I am saying that.

But remember – I have also said how beautifully freeing it is! I have pre-ordered 3, make that 5 copies because of need, plus my own, because I know how important pre-orders are to Authors and because I truly want to support both Rachel and you. I will send these four copies to the first 6 people that email me at TheOrangeRhinoChallenge@gmail.com with the subject “Soul Shift” and your address included (US only please, sorry!) I ask that you be truly honest with yourself about your need as I know how many emails I will get.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Parenting Advice That Was Hurting My Mental Health

Posted on March 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Warning: potentially unpopular opinion coming up. There is a widely used “core parenting statement/belief” that I recently realized has contributed in a somewhat harmful way to my own mental health and I want to address it. I’d like to say that I am prepared for backlash – but I know that I am not. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t deal well with controversy. But, I feel strongly that the message I am about to share needs to be heard because when I figured it out, I felt so much better about myself as a parent, as a person.

The shame, self-ridicule and intense pressure I put on myself as mom dropped tenfold when I stopped fully accepting and following this popular parenting belief shared and told by many a psychologist. And this statement isn’t just shared by psychologists in articles online and undoubtedly in books. It is widely shared in pretty square boxes with pretty fonts and images on Facebook and Instagram. It is shared on reels with relaxing, meant to be encouraging music.

The parenting belief is with good intention – it is meant to inspire us to be good parents. It is meant to help us raise our children with strong emotional iq, mindset, resiliency etc…. It is definitely meant to teach us something our parents might not have been taught and it definitely is not meant to shame us or put pressure on us.

And yet… I found myself bawling my eyes out in my minivan recently because of this darn supposedly helpful, gentle, encouraging, parenting reminder. I found myself bawling my eyes out because I had just dropped one of my sons off and we had just had a tough conversation about how things were going for him. He was having a hard time with something or other and said something negative about himself. He hurt and I hurt for him, oh did I ever.

And I hurt because I couldn’t help but wonder, as I often do as a mom, is this my fault? Did I mess up as a parent? Did I miss something? Did I not do a good enough job?

So before pulling away I went on my phone to admittedly, numb the pain for a bit. To avoid the feelings of yuck. To hopefully see something up-lifting. And sure enough, I saw some pretty image with different colored words and it was soothing to look at. Until I read the words.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

and BOOM there it was, the ever so popular parenting statement. I went from crying to bawling.

See, it was my fault. My son’s inner voice was being cruel to him so it must be my fault. I must have talked to him that way. Right? I must have said something incredibly mean and cruel to him because now he talked that way to himself. Clearly my words had become my son’s inner voice because that is what Facebook was telling me…as it had taught forever. I mean this saying has been EVERYWHERE and I mean everywhere for years. Years! I have seen it since the days I started writing as The Orange Rhino. I have never doubted it, never challenged it.

At first, I didn’t get it. Perhaps because my kids were young. But as they grew, I understood it more and I fully embraced it. Yes! Yes, that makes sense. My kids internalize what I say to them, what I say about them, how I say things to them – and even how I talk about myself. They watch me, mirror me, learn from me. They are learning to speak to themselves the way I speak to them and speak to myself. Yes, I get this, I believe it. “The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” Yes, true.

But there needs to be an asterisk or an edit. Because without that, this statement is a little dangerous in my opinion.

Here’s the challenge. This statement – while generally true – puts ALL the pressure on the parent to develop the child’s inner voice. It doesn’t mean to (and maybe it is just my experience) but it does.

And that is A LOT of pressure. A lot. One’s inner voice is super important. Like uber important. If one’s inner voice is too cruel, it can lead to severe depression and worse. (And if it is all the parent’s job to develop it – and the child develops a negative inner voice – then what will happen to the parent’s inner voice? See where I am going?)

I do not take inner voices lightly, which is why I do my best as a mom to watch how I talk to my kids…and why I will continue to. I absolutely want to help them develop a kind and loving inner voice. Heck to the yes on that!

But this statement – putting all the pressure on me?! That’s heavy and it’s inaccurate. Yes, as a parent we accept a certain level of responsibility – where it correctly lies. It lies here, on helping to develop our child’s inner voice, but not 100%.

In my fully accepting this parenting belief, I fully negatively impacted my own mental health. Not good.

After I stopped crying, I suddenly had an AHA moment. A major, life changing one. An, I can breathe one.

Something my son said suddenly clicked for me. He commented about something that happened years ago. He then commented about something that happened in an online game. He was commenting about all social interactions happening here and there and today and then. He was telling me what the asterisk to the comment was.

I said to myself, “What a freakin’ second. Hold the phone. This statement is outright WRONG. I am not the only voice my son hears. Yes, I am part of it and yes I have made mistakes and at times said the wrong thing. I am human. But there is more.

The world hasn’t always been kind to him either. My son’s inner voice? It doesn’t develop just from me. It also develops from everyone in his life and how they talk to him. How his peers do. How online video game strangers do. How teachers do. How strangers do with the looks they give. How advertisements do. I am not the only person talking to my son. I am not the only person contributing to his inner voice. This is not my fault. I am a good loving parent. The way we talk to our children becomes (insert) PART of their inner voice*

*And also, so does the way the world talks to them.”

And I cry again. Why?

Because I hurt for my son and how the world wasn’t so nice to him at times, how loudly and repeatedly it talked to him. And also, perhaps more so, because my inner voice is cruel to me sometimes.

Because I have been telling myself that my son’s negative voice is all my fault, that I failed my son.

Because I have been putting all the pressure on myself to be the best parent, to speak to my children flawlessly to help build their inner voices.

Because there are so many voices out there telling me how to be a better parent; telling me which rules to follow to ensure I don’t screw my child up; telling me to do this, to do that.

Because there are so many voices out there with innocent messages about parenting that I feel like if I am not trying to improve as a parent that I am failing. I know, ironic coming from someone literally writing a parenting piece. I am well aware. Beyond aware.

Every day I struggle with this exact challenge of mine and every time I write, I try to make sure my messaging is what I want. I do not want to add to the voices that add pressure to parents to do better.

I do not want to add to your critical inner voice – I want to help yours and my inner voices to be kinder. I want to help my sons’ inner voices to be kinder. Because we all deserve kind and loving messages.

So here are yours for today. You are a good parent. You are doing a great job. You do not need to be perfect. You are doing your best. You do not need to carry all the responsibility for how your child turns out because there are invisible factors at play you can’t control – and visible factors at play you can’t control. Let go of all the pressure you put on yourself. You deserve kindness – and that includes telling yourself you are a good parent. ©2023 The Orange Rhino

Note: The Orange Rhino stands for warmth and positivity, amongst other things. I deserve kind and loving messages too – as does the original creator of the comment. Again, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the statement. If you do not agree with this post, I ask that you refrain from negative commenting – towards me and towards the creator of the statement.

I welcome differing opinions in the right tone and right forum, but if your comment is neither, I will delete without hesitation. Thank you for understanding and for sharing messages that support and build people up, not taking them down.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Never-Ending Dishwasher Cycle — and the Tiny Thing That Makes It Better

Posted on March 15, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

This is my favorite time of the night <insert sarcasm> It’s when I realize that we need to empty the dishwasher so that we can…

load the dishwasher so that…

the counter is clear so that…

I can cook dinner only so that…

I can make a mess again and have more dirty dishes and pans so that…

we can empty the dishwasher and load it, yet again.

The only saving grace?! The dish soap. It’s a pretty blue. I look at it and pretend it is the ocean.

No joke. Ya gotta do what you gotta do to get through the monotony!

Oh the other saving grace? In between the loading of the dishwasher is Chicken Parmesan and what is better than that? Ooey gooey bubbly cheesy goodness coming up!

Oh, I know what is better. It is the ONE MEAL all my kids eat not only without complaining but with COMPLIMENTS. Compliments people. Actually, “Mom, this is the best meal ever, you are amazing!”

So dishes be loaded.

Counters be cleaned.

It shall be worth it. (She says on repeat so she doesn’t lose her sh*t in the process!)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Friend Who Made Me Feel Seen When I Needed It Most

Posted on March 14, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Dear The Hands Free Revolution,

I have known you since the beginning of my journey as The Orange Rhino. I will never forget our phone call – when we actually talked live, as friends do, and I felt seen and understood. You knew what it felt like to be an author; to have a book come out and all the complex emotions that came with it. I was able to be me with you – to share my real feelings, my truths.

Talking to you was a gift. No different than reading your words. This morning, instead of writing first thing, I decided to read your new book, “Soul Shift” and now I am in tears and had to put your book down and write. So here I am.

Recently, I ordered loads of orange clothes for myself. I did it to inspire me, encourage me, force me even, to keep going. To keep writing. To keep reaching towards my goal of showing up as The Orange Rhino. My mental plan: if I have the orange clothes, then I need to wear them. There is no escaping them. No quitting. All the purchases were a bold move, a wee bit impulsive even. Or were they?

I have been overwhelmed with self-doubt lately. Okay, let’s be honest. Who am I kidding. I have been full of self-doubt most of my life. It is kinda how I roll. Not really fond of that. The one time I wasn’t? Probably at the peak of The Orange Rhino before I took my personal hiatus; I was full of joy then.

And I haven’t just been overwhelmed with self-doubt.

I have been overwhelmed with fear of failure.
I have been overwhelmed with pleasing people.
I have been overwhelmed with feeling lost.
I have been overwhelmed with should’ves, could’ves, would’ves…didn’ts.

All of this has kept me from going after goals and dreams I have, as a person, a mom, a friend, a partner and as The Orange Rhino.

So these orange clothes?

They were my first step towards fighting self-doubt and all the other overwhelmed feelings I have going on.

They were my first step towards reclaiming an ounce of my lost confidence.

They were my first step towards getting the ball fully rolling again.

They were my first step towards reclaiming part of the person I was before I stopped writing.

Impulsive? Yes.

Thought about for months on end and wished for ?

Also Yes.

So maybe not so impulsive after all.

Yesterday, as I went through all the packages, I came to one that clearly was not clothes. I didn’t recognize the return address and was all “huh?!” I assumed it was yet another random thing I ordered from Amazon, but alas, couldn’t be farther from the truth. It was WAY better.

It was YOUR new book! What an amazing, pleasant, and PERFECT surprise. And a sign. And a gift. And can we just say, is it not ironic that a book with a cover that says “Soul Shift: The Weary Woman’s Guide to Getting Unstuck & Reclaiming Your Path to Joy” was amidst all of my orange clothes, that were basically trying to do the same?!

I am on page 60. I had to put it down because of, well, the tears. Every. Single. Page. Speaks. To. Me. Directly. Not just me, but my heart. It hurts reading it because the pain you acknowledge I connect with, and yet, the hurt is a good hurt because it feels freeing to be seen and understood.

And, most importantly, I feel your nurturing love popping through the pages and I find comfort knowing that you are leading me down the path that I need literally, right now. The hurt is not overwhelming because you write in the most gentle way, which suffice to say, isn’t easy given the topics at hand. Self-worth. Not an easy topic. My self-worth is low. I could win limbo, low. Too low actually. I would drop to the ground, and lose low, now that I think of it.

Again, tears. Prompted by your beautiful book. But I am okay with that. I embrace it actually. I need to, and am ready to, make this journey. I have already started, but I have started it alone so I have stopped and started.

I am so grateful to have your book and you as an inspirational and loving Guide as I continue my way. I see so many of my thoughts in here – the difference though, is you have made it through already.

So much hope I have today. So. Much. Hope. You know what got me to put the book down, what moved me to write to you? The story and exercise about what you are, and what you are not, what roles have been assigned to you and which roles fulfill you.

I have been struggling with this so very much…

Feeling like I have to be what I am not in order to exist.

Feeling like I have to act a certain way in order to be accepted.

Feeling like I have to offer certain credentials to be respected.

Your book has opened my eyes and heart to releasing roles that no longer fulfill me or serve me. Such a gift. And again, I am just on page 60. I can not wait to read the rest. Thank you for this beautiful surprise gift, All my love and congrats and please send tissues,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Should You Help Your Teen Clean Their Room? The Question That Changed My Approach

Posted on February 9, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Do I help my teen clean his room? The answer yesterday was a game changer. This was the question of the day after school yesterday.

This particular child’s room has been a disgusting mess for days on end (for decent reason which I am not gonna get into.) He did his laundry – awesome – however it now decorated the floor. The areas of the floor that were untouched were covered in miscellaneous stuff, popcorn kernels, candy wrappers, an iPad, homework (I think), and who knows what else.

I have asked for the room to be picked up and even offered to help (as I often do) – but things have been a little stressful for this child as of late (for both of us, actually) so follow through has been tough and my help has even been denied. The growing mess has been getting to me.

So I have pondered, how much do I keep pushing for either him to do it alone, or do it with me, or do I cave and do it myself?

Ideally we would do it together but…ideal doesn’t always happen! I decided not too long ago that I only had so much energy per day and that I needed to put it where it mattered most in order to manage my own mental health.

I have so many things I want to teach my kids – actual actions and values. But, I can’t prioritize teaching everything everyday. I only have so much bandwidth. I have to pick and choose. It wasn’t as easy deciding where to put my energy and focus as I thought it would be (it all feels important.) A clean room is the perfect example.

On the one hand, teaching my kids responsibility is super important to me. Taking care of their things, ie. keeping a clean room falls under that category. At the same time, a clean room is way more important to me and not my kids so there was always a battle to get the job done on a daily basis.

I am motivated to have a clean room; they simply are not! It is not on their priority list at all. And, my boys were seeking a little control wherever they could find it (as teens, kids, humans all do.) And, I, I was seeking a little peace wherever I could find it.

So, we compromised. Their rooms, their messes, their responsibility. I accepted that they would learn responsibility a different way – as they lost things in their messes, as their rooms smelled, as they found they didn’t like it so much – they would learn to be more responsible on their terms.

And they accepted that once a week, they had to clean up and vacuum and take trash out, no matter what. I wouldn’t “nag” daily if they cleaned once a week. And oh, I accepted that I could shut the door and not see the mess 😉 It has mostly worked. Kids vacuum on their own because they hate how it gets. They put their clothes away when they realize that their clothes are getting too wrinkled to look cool when worn. They are getting there.

This is working well for us under our circumstances. But then there was yesterday and this one room that just wasn’t getting the love, despite my requests and offerings of help. It has been driving me crazy making me doubt myself and my parenting choice – should I have put the energy into making bedrooms clean daily? Did I prioritize wrong?

It has also been driving me crazy because of MY own beliefs. I like clean rooms. I believe that a space impacts the mind and mental health (this is me and my experience, not all agree which is fine and totally not the point here.) Teaching my kids the importance of taking care of one’s mental health is also important to me, just like teaching responsibility.

Should I have prioritized that aspect of a clean room?! Aaaah!!! On top of all this, this kiddo is having a hard time and MY anxiety has been kicking in that being in this messy, messy room so much isn’t helping him out so much.

I also know that he does agree – he has said as much in the past after he cleans his room and comments how much he prefers it. And yet, he is pushing me away and not accepting my help or doing it on his own. We have been in a stalemate (right, isn’t that what it is called?) And yet, I said I wouldn’t nag. I said I would let them all be, I would respect their spaces.

But also…his darn retainer was missing and that, that costs money and that was really bothering me. I had mentioned that if it wasn’t found he would be paying for a new one. He was none too thrilled with that. Any who…

Yesterday, I went to his room to remind him ever so lovingly about the missing retainer and that I said we could look together. I opened the door and saw that WHOA! he was finally folding his laundry!

Cue my internal debate. (1) Let him continue on his own and own the responsibility, this is amazing and wonderful… -OR- (2) Let go of my pride of “teaching a lesson” and the thought that “well finally, I only asked how many times, I am definitely not helping because it didn’t happen upon first request per our deal” and offer to help knowing that in doing so, it gives me an opportunity to connect and also, knowing that it teaches over important lessons: teamwork and grace.

I went with option two and I am SO glad that I did. I generally choose option two, but this time was sweeter. This teen and I have been butting heads big time. It seems every word out of my mouth irritates him. It feels like every word out of his mouth irritates me 🙂 Nothing I do or say is right. BUT, while helping him, he opened up. In doing a task together, while talking, it took some of the stress and discomfort of a direct talk away.

Also, this kiddo speaks more calmly when doing something, especially with his hands. (A lot of people do, by the way. Think of chats while throwing a ball, taking a walk, cooking, doing a puzzle.)

“Mom, you really frustrate me. You say it seems like I am angry all the time. I am not angry, I am just frustrated. There is a difference you know. I am working hard at school and I don’t think you see that. I know my grades aren’t great but I am improving. You frustrate me because you say you know, but then you ask me to work harder.”

Wow. An awesome, awesome, communication. Hard to hear, but valuable as heck. (Frustrating that he isn’t hearing that I do know how hard he is working, but alas, I was trying to listen not lecture.) But wait for this one.

Beautiful that he knows this about himself, more so that he shared it…. “I know it looks like I am not doing a lot, but I am. Small steps at a time mom. You know I don’t like doing new things. It is uncomfortable for me. So I am taking a small step. When I feel comfortable doing that, then I take another step, and then I will take another step. I know my progress is slow, but it is progress. It will all add up. I will get there.”

And I am crying. Hey kiddo? Can I just tell you, in regards to parenting teens, “I know my progress is slow, but it is progress and I am learning thanks to you?” So very grateful for this interaction and that I didn’t lose it due to yelling or getting all overly annoyed over the status of a room.

I learned so much about his thinking and where he is at. He still struggled to understand that I did see his hard work and that I appreciated it and also…that time was of the essence so that while his approach makes sense, he also needs to kick it up a notch. But more so, that I know that he can!

Again, the darn fine line of parenting teens. I need to push him out of his comfort zone, but not too much, not too little. Push too hard and I shut him down. Push too little, he stays where he is which isn’t working so well (he just doesn’t fully see it because well, he is a teen.)

But alas, his words were right. He will get there. I need to believe in him a bit more. I need to let go even more than I have and have faith that he is on his way to understanding himself and what he needs.

And…I need to accept that I am not the only one anymore that understands and knows what he needs (and this isn’t just in regards to grades, it applies to other things too.) Oh, this parenting thing is hard. One step at a time. We can do it! (And hey, by the way. My teen’s comments about his own growth are awesome words of wisdom when going after a goal like yelling less;) just saying.) © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How I Try Not to Take My Teen’s Behavior Personally — So I Don’t Yell

Posted on January 19, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

One of my teens was in a wee bit of a bad mood yesterday. Our interactions weren’t all that pleasant. Unfortunately, we were in the mini-van so I couldn’t even take a break and walk away. Yes, yes I could have just kept my mouth shut and not engaged in conversation but it can be realllly hard to do so when the person frustrating you is right there next to you and you really just want to say one more thing!

And it can be even harder to remain quiet when the person frustrating you can’t help themselves and says one more thing to you even after you have stated that you are going to remain quiet. Sooo hard to not engage and take the bait. And so it went for a 20 minute car ride yesterday. Teen trusted me enough to tell me something he knew would upset me. I responded. That wasn’t appreciated.

Then I reminded myself “listen, don’t lecture.” But it was kinda late (in my teen’s opinion.) Teen then gave me a bit of an attitude about my not listening at first and said, “see, I knew you would respond that way.”

The following entirely one-way conversation frustrated the heck out of me. I am human and try my hardest to do my best, but don’t always respond the way one would hope. His words felt a little personal.

I then responded with, “I think it is best if I remain quiet for the rest of the ride. Let’s take a break.”

Well that just got him going even more. More words came out and things felt even more personal to me. I finally said, “You know, lately it feels like you are just always annoyed with me. It’s a real bummer.”

Right statement, right time? Don’t know. His response though? Phenomenally useful. He replied in as irritable as irritable-can-be voice, which by the way he claimed wasn’t an irritable voice (okay, whatever), “MOM, it isn’t personal. Did you ever think that I am not annoyed with you but that I am annoyed with how my day went? That I am irritable because of all the crap that happened?”

And there it was. My #1 take-away about my not yelling at my kids right back at me in a way I never thought of when it comes to my not yelling at my teens.

“It’s not you, it’s me” was the #1 Orange Rhino Revelation that truly helped me to really stop yelling. Realizing that my kids weren’t the problem, that I needed to look within, that I needed to look at what was going on with me, allowed me to figure out why I was really yelling and therefore how I could really stop.

So here I was, feeling like my teen was yelling at me (he claims he wasn’t, we will agree to disagree) and I was starting to take it personal which was making me want to yell right back.

But really, it wasn’t personal. “It’s not you MOM, it’s ME, your teen. I’m irritable because of me and my bad day, not because of you.”

And well holy crap if that didn’t just open my eyes. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I wrote in my books, kids are people too. By the way, teens are still kids and teens are also people too. Teens have bad days and bad moments and their behaviors can be all about them and their emotions and not about us, their parents.

Why is this relevant? I don’t know about you, but when I take stuff personal, I get in a mood. When I take my kid’s behavior personally in particular, it often leads me to, “Where did I go wrong as a parent? What am I doing wrong as a parent for them to be behaving this way?”

This thinking always puts me in a bad place and therefore if I am “triggered” by anything when I am stuck thinking about “where I went wrong” I am set up to react with a yell.

So…taking my teens’ or even young kids’ behavior personal, does me no good.

A while ago I asked my therapist if one of my kids’ behaviors was “normal” per say. She told me it was, didn’t mean it was respectful, but yes it was typical and just needed teaching.

So I said, “so basically… Normalize it, don’t Personalize it.”

This comes to mind now. Normalize it – people have bad days. Teens have bad days. Teens get irritable. Doesn’t mean it is right, just means it can happen and is typical and not unique to me and my situation so don’t Personalize it. Normalize might not be the perfect word, but the phrase really helps me when I am starting to take my teen’s behavior personally.

Not taking the behavior personally helps me to chill a bit, which allows me to remain calm and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting with a yell.

Before yesterday I only applied “Normalize it, Don’t Personalize it” to the really out there behaviors that push the boundaries.

But now, now I am remembering that teens can be irritable for soooo many reasons, many of which don’t have anything to do with me.

#1 New Release on Amazon for Anger Management/Self Help: Audiobook of “How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids-and How You Can Too!” A 30-day Guide with 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple, Daily Steps to Follow and Honest Stories to Inspire Thank you for all your support and for making that happen!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I Yelled at My Teen — and It Wasn’t Really About Him

Posted on January 10, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.

And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.

My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.

And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.

So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.

The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…

I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.

I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.

I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.

So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.

But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…

You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.

I am excited for new people to hear my story.

Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.

Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.

Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.

Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.

Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.

You know what else it shows?

That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.

And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.

We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…

Warmly, The Orange Rhino

P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.

They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino