How Do You Find Your Voice Again After Years of Turning It Down?

Posted on March 6, 2026 by The Orange Rhino

“How do you start turning up your own voice when it feels like it’s been turned down so much you can barely hear it anymore?” That question came from a fellow Orange Rhino. And my heart skipped a beat when I read it because… that was me. Circa 2016 until… well… still working on it. For years I slowly turned my own volume down. Pushing my thoughts down. Pushing my feelings down.

Meanwhile the “you’re not…” voices (fill in the blank with any doubting thought) got louder and louder. And the antenna of my intuition? It went from strong and upright… to bent and quiet. (cue: tears) Those weren’t fun years. In trying not to feel pain, I created more of it. I made decisions that honored others but ignored what my gut knew to be true.

And the outcomes almost always disappointed me. I took forever to make decisions because I forgot how to trust myself. I forgot how to believe in my abilities.

So I stayed stuck. Stuck feeling blech. Stuck living a life shaped by decisions that didn’t quite feel like me. And the self-doubt only grew because I kept asking myself: “Why don’t I trust myself?” “Why don’t I listen to myself anymore?” So yes. That question hit a nerve. A beautiful one. My friend, the answer is this: You start slowly. With love. With patience. And with the understanding that you won’t always get it right.

But over time, you get better. And that practice? That is getting it right. During my kitchen renovation there was a major mistake coming. I saw it before it even happened.

But my voice? I quieted it (and paid for it later. Sigh.) “Nah… trust the professionals,” I told myself. Right. Trust the professionals.

But here’s the thing I finally realized: I am the professional of my inner instincts. Of my feelings. Of the quiet voice inside trying to speak up.

When the renovation was finished, major mistake corrected, I stood in my cozy, bright white kitchen that I loved. I admired all the little details I had been told not to do.

And I said to myself: “You did this. You did this by listening to yourself.” I remember calling my mom and saying, “And you know what mom? I designed it. When am I going to start listening to myself more? Trusting my abilities again? Seeing what I’m capable of?” I wasn’t bragging. I was having a breakthrough.

So how do you start turning your voice back up and having your own breakthrough? You PR (don’t ask how my brain came up with that, but honestly, perfect here!) Practice. Reflect. Praise. Record. Patiently Repeat. Practice by showing up for yourself and trying to listen. It might be small. “I want tacos for dinner.” So… tacos it is. Reflect when something feels off. Ask yourself why. Then ask again. And again. (Often, if I’m honest, the answer hiding underneath is fear.) Praise and record the moments you do listen.

“See? I did it.” “See? I followed through.” “See? I trusted myself.” Give that quiet voice evidence. Proof that it’s getting stronger. Help it feel safe speaking up again. And most importantly… patiently repeat.

Because your voice doesn’t come back all at once. It comes back in tiny moments of trusting yourself. A decision here. A boundary there. A quiet “no.” A brave “yes.” Until one day you notice something surprising. You can hear yourself again. And you realize the voice you thought you lost? It was never missing. It was just waiting for you to start listening again. And you realize, my gosh, this feels great. Let’s start now.

What’s one thing your inner voice kept telling you… that you finally listened to — and it turned out you were right? I want to hear all about it and celebrate with you. For real.

Sending my warmth to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

People-Pleasing: How I’m Learning to Put Myself on the List

Posted on May 3, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I am a people pleaser. Always have been, will not always be (at least that is the current plan.) I am working to pay attention more to who I please to make sure that I too am on that list. That my needs, my wishes, my thoughts, my concerns, my opinions, my dreams are on my personal people pleasing list.

Because I matter too. And while I know this on a higher level, I often forget it at a deeper level, especially when it comes to tough situations.

When I want to avoid major, major discomfort, I abandon myself and what I need. I don’t listen to my own inner voice that is yelling at me, that is so clearly saying, “hey girl, you matter too. What do you want? Need? What is your body telling you?”

Needless to say, not listening to myself in these situations doesn’t end up feeling good or work out well in the long run. It isn’t just tough situations where I don’t listen to my own inner voice and try to people please instead, where it doesn’t work out so well.

It can be day to day situations, like making weekend plans. And it isn’t even just situations that involve others. Sometimes people pleasing is directly pleasing others; sometimes it is indirect, i.e. by going with trends, popular opinions when making a decision.

When I can’t hear my own inner voice loud enough and need to make a decision, I try to go with what others think and say, I try to agree with them, to please them in a way. Right now, I am struggling with two simple decisions: what color patio furniture to get, and what tagline to do 😉

I am so used to people pleasing, that my own inner voice isn’t strongly telling me what to do. I am not used to trusting my gut as much as I used to. It is a wee bit of a problem. I am aware.

A simple situation on vacation a month ago really proved to me that this whole people pleasing thing really wasn’t working out and needed a reboot. The discussion of where to go to dinner came up. I don’t recall details except that it was clear to me that I cared more about the outcome than others, for a variety of valid reasons that I can’t remember.

And yet, I didn’t stand up for my opinion. I wanted to keep the peace. I wanted to keep people happy. I wanted to please people. So I kept my mouth shut. All seven of us went to the one restaurant that I didn’t want to go to because the menu was limited for me. I tried real hard to be at peace with the place and appear content and happy. I really did. But I kinda failed. Apparently my discontent was written all over my face as I looked over the menu and struggled to find anything that I really liked or could (would) eat.

Perhaps the face that they really saw though was the one that was thinking, “Why didn’t you say how you felt? Why didn’t you stand up for your needs and wants? You matter too. It is okay to make sure you are happy too. You can be on the people pleasing list too. This isn’t the first time this week you did this.”

And later, in the middle of the meal, as I sat picking at my food, hungry and disappointed in my food (myself), they definitely saw the face that suddenly peaked up after a major realization.

“Time out. Crapola. This whole people pleasing business doesn’t actually always work. I tried to make others happy by putting their needs first. But in keeping my mouth shut, I became discontent which has put me in a bit of a mood. So now I am struggling to be present and am being grumpy so I am really not ‘pleasing anyone.’ I am actually displeasing people! Which totally wasn’t my goal, I do like to make people happy and I said yes to this restaurant to do that and yet…not doing that at all! This people pleasing has all backfired. I can’t always get what I want when I share my wishes and wants and needs, but at least I can share and not have them fester inside of me, making me cranky.”

It was a major lightbulb moment.

My people pleasing wasn’t actually people pleasing. Whoa. The reality at the meal was that my frustration had been building all week. My frustration wasn’t entirely with the menu. My frustration was mostly with myself, with the fact that I didn’t listen to the voice in my head that was yelling so it could be heard saying, “Hey, I have an opinion, and it matters, and I would like to share it. I am tired of you putting me on the back burner all week girl. This is your vacation too.”

People pleasing is a habit. It has a purpose, it has history. I am well aware of that. Working to re-write this history isn’t easy, but I am doing it, slowly. I kinda have no choice. Because people pleasing isn’t pleasing me so well.

Yes, sometimes it feels good to “people please” and put them first. But more often than not, I am discovering that as I “people please” and don’t put me on that list, as I focus so much on others’ wishes and wants and needs and opinions and let mine fade away, I make life harder for myself, more stressful, less enjoyable, less authentic. I will not totally abandon thinking of others and pleasing others because that is something I value – in a way.

But I am tweaking how I do it, how I define it, and what my boundaries are, because my current relationship with pleasing others isn’t always healthy. I can not keep doing it at the expense of myself all the time. Yes, there are times when it is okay to put others first. Absolutely, I am okay with that.

But that can’t be my go to. I am not sure what my new “people pleasing” boundaries and rules will be. I just know that my mind, my body (yes, literally) and my heart are all yelling at me to listen to them to figure it out. I am listening. I am learning. I am trying. Sending warmth and confidence your way today.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How I Try Not to Take My Teen’s Behavior Personally — So I Don’t Yell

Posted on January 19, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

One of my teens was in a wee bit of a bad mood yesterday. Our interactions weren’t all that pleasant. Unfortunately, we were in the mini-van so I couldn’t even take a break and walk away. Yes, yes I could have just kept my mouth shut and not engaged in conversation but it can be realllly hard to do so when the person frustrating you is right there next to you and you really just want to say one more thing!

And it can be even harder to remain quiet when the person frustrating you can’t help themselves and says one more thing to you even after you have stated that you are going to remain quiet. Sooo hard to not engage and take the bait. And so it went for a 20 minute car ride yesterday. Teen trusted me enough to tell me something he knew would upset me. I responded. That wasn’t appreciated.

Then I reminded myself “listen, don’t lecture.” But it was kinda late (in my teen’s opinion.) Teen then gave me a bit of an attitude about my not listening at first and said, “see, I knew you would respond that way.”

The following entirely one-way conversation frustrated the heck out of me. I am human and try my hardest to do my best, but don’t always respond the way one would hope. His words felt a little personal.

I then responded with, “I think it is best if I remain quiet for the rest of the ride. Let’s take a break.”

Well that just got him going even more. More words came out and things felt even more personal to me. I finally said, “You know, lately it feels like you are just always annoyed with me. It’s a real bummer.”

Right statement, right time? Don’t know. His response though? Phenomenally useful. He replied in as irritable as irritable-can-be voice, which by the way he claimed wasn’t an irritable voice (okay, whatever), “MOM, it isn’t personal. Did you ever think that I am not annoyed with you but that I am annoyed with how my day went? That I am irritable because of all the crap that happened?”

And there it was. My #1 take-away about my not yelling at my kids right back at me in a way I never thought of when it comes to my not yelling at my teens.

“It’s not you, it’s me” was the #1 Orange Rhino Revelation that truly helped me to really stop yelling. Realizing that my kids weren’t the problem, that I needed to look within, that I needed to look at what was going on with me, allowed me to figure out why I was really yelling and therefore how I could really stop.

So here I was, feeling like my teen was yelling at me (he claims he wasn’t, we will agree to disagree) and I was starting to take it personal which was making me want to yell right back.

But really, it wasn’t personal. “It’s not you MOM, it’s ME, your teen. I’m irritable because of me and my bad day, not because of you.”

And well holy crap if that didn’t just open my eyes. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I wrote in my books, kids are people too. By the way, teens are still kids and teens are also people too. Teens have bad days and bad moments and their behaviors can be all about them and their emotions and not about us, their parents.

Why is this relevant? I don’t know about you, but when I take stuff personal, I get in a mood. When I take my kid’s behavior personally in particular, it often leads me to, “Where did I go wrong as a parent? What am I doing wrong as a parent for them to be behaving this way?”

This thinking always puts me in a bad place and therefore if I am “triggered” by anything when I am stuck thinking about “where I went wrong” I am set up to react with a yell.

So…taking my teens’ or even young kids’ behavior personal, does me no good.

A while ago I asked my therapist if one of my kids’ behaviors was “normal” per say. She told me it was, didn’t mean it was respectful, but yes it was typical and just needed teaching.

So I said, “so basically… Normalize it, don’t Personalize it.”

This comes to mind now. Normalize it – people have bad days. Teens have bad days. Teens get irritable. Doesn’t mean it is right, just means it can happen and is typical and not unique to me and my situation so don’t Personalize it. Normalize might not be the perfect word, but the phrase really helps me when I am starting to take my teen’s behavior personally.

Not taking the behavior personally helps me to chill a bit, which allows me to remain calm and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting with a yell.

Before yesterday I only applied “Normalize it, Don’t Personalize it” to the really out there behaviors that push the boundaries.

But now, now I am remembering that teens can be irritable for soooo many reasons, many of which don’t have anything to do with me.

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xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino