Author Archives: The Orange Rhino

How to Not Yell At Teenagers – According to My Teen

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“Mom, why do you look like you are about to scream and lose your…?” my teen lovingly and genuinely asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked back.

“Not really, no, but…ok, fine. Go ahead. What’s up.”

“Well…I was just googling some stuff for The Orange Rhino. And stumbled upon an article from that person that copied a lot of what I did…and then publicly bashed me. And I am just fuming. Absolutely fuming. I am frustrated that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that all these years later and I still let this get to me. Harumph.”

He sighed with me. He’s a great kid – love him to pieces. Are you ready for this wisdom? This is my silver lining kiddo.

“Mom, the past is the past. She copied The Orange Rhino ideas because she liked them. Compliment to you. And besides the past doesn’t matter now because you are focusing on not yelling at teens and that’s new stuff!”

(Yes, yes it is my dear. A whole lot of new stuff and a whole new level of patience!)

“Okay, but I haven’t totally figured it out yet. The whole not yelling at you teens.” I stated.

“No, no you haven’t! But you are improving. You are way better than last year. Look, I am sitting in the front seat actually talking to you now. See, progress! AND I am not wearing my headphones, I actually listened to you when you said it was rude to do so during a conversation.” He shared proudly, loving having an “adult” like conversation with me.

“Okay then Mr. Teenager. What is the secret to not yelling at teens? What did I do right? Enlighten me so I can share?”

“Oh, it is simple. Really simple. Leave us alone. Give us more space. Let us try things. Don’t lecture so much. Don’t nag. It’s okay if we screw up. Only start lecturing and reeling us back in when we are doing really stupid things. Like really stupid.” He stated matter of factly. Like it was that simple.

“Okay, makes sense. Gotcha. But what happens when you are, I don’t know, doing a lot of really stupid things, a lot of the time? Then what? Then I will need to step in more and that is certain to piss you off. Which will probably make things tough between us and I will probably feel like yelling again out of frustration. So, how do I handle that situation?” I asked, kinda afraid (in a good way) of the answer because of his silver linings and insights.

“Well, yes, yep that will definitely annoy the heck out of me. I will probably be rude. Nope. Definitely will be rude. But that’s on me I guess. Just don’t yell. It won’t help. And I will just put my headphones on and not listen anyways. So I guess, the answer to all of this mom? The best way to not yell at teens? Just don’t do it. It’s useless.” Again, stated as if it is that simple.

But maybe it was that simple?
There is a whole lot of truth in his statements.
I trusted him more.
Gave him more space.
More responsibility.

I removed some rules and put in some boundaries and said when the boundaries are broken, the rules and my being more present return.

Do we both still yell? Yes – we both still get moody and we are both still human!

But the interactions are way less intense, shorter and he genuinely apologizes after. It is progress as he says, and progress is the goal. I mean look where progress got us – to a conversation in the front seats of my uber cool minivan!

And, he is right. Yelling doesn’t work – kids literally don’t hear us when we yell.
It achieves nothing.
They tune us out and teens – they especially tune it out. 

And not only do they tune us out, they then get more pissed at us and put up a wall to tune us out even more the next time we yell or even talk. There isn’t much upside to yelling. It kind of is that simple. That easy to just not yell? No. But remembering that it doesn’t work is a simple, helpful tool.

There are a few other things I did that he doesn’t see…

When he really gets going and rudely starts up, I walk away and dis-engage after I state calmly and without emotion, “I want to talk to you and hear what you have to say, but I will not be spoken to that way.” (His feelings do matter, I don’t want to shut them out. I am not walking away from him or his feelings, just the disrespectful behavior. Which we always address later when we are both calm.)

When he is frustrated with me for whatever I did, even if that is just breathing, I state, “I am here if you want” and again, walk away and don’t wait for a reaction.

I do random acts of kindness for him to remind him I love him and positively build our connection during good times (like make him hot chocolate for when he is studying.)

I joke around with him and get him to laugh with me and even at me. These moments are some of the best and have really strengthened our relationship. When he rolls his eyes at my intentionally bad jokes or bad dancing or bad singing, they are his silent way of admitting he loves me.Eye rolls aren’t always bad!

I stopped focusing on the bad behaviors he was demonstrating and focus more on the good kiddo I know he is.

And, I remind myself that this is a hard time for both of us and that in a couple of years he is off to college and I want these years to be more positive than negative – and that means (amongst a lot of things) working hard to not yell, even when frustrated.

(c) The Orange Rhino 2023

*Creator, The Orange Rhino Challenge® to Stop Yelling at My Kids

How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager — According to My Teenager

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“Mom, why do you look like you are about to scream and lose your…?” my teen lovingly and genuinely asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked back.

“Not really, no, but…ok, fine. Go ahead. What’s up.”

“Well…I was just googling some stuff for The Orange Rhino. And stumbled upon an article from that person that copied a lot of what I did…and then publicly bashed me. And I am just fuming. Absolutely fuming. I am frustrated that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that all these years later and I still let this get to me. Harumph.”

He sighed with me. He’s a great kid – love him to pieces. Are you ready for this wisdom?

This is my silver lining kiddo. “Mom, the past is the past. She copied The Orange Rhino ideas because she liked them. Compliment to you. And besides the past doesn’t matter now because you are focusing on not yelling at teens and that’s new stuff!” (Yes, yes it is my dear. A whole lot of new stuff and a whole new level of patience!)

“Okay, but I haven’t totally figured it out yet. The whole not yelling at you teens.” I stated.

“No, no you haven’t! But you are improving. You are way better than last year. Look, I am sitting in the front seat actually talking to you now. See, progress! AND I am not wearing my headphones, I actually listened to you when you said it was rude to do so during a conversation.” He shared proudly, loving having an “adult” like conversation with me.

“Okay then Mr. Teenager. What is the secret to not yelling at teens? What did I do right? Enlighten me so I can share?”

“Oh, it is simple. Really simple. Leave us alone. Give us more space. Let us try things. Don’t lecture so much. Don’t nag. It’s okay if we screw up. Only start lecturing and reeling us back in when we are doing really stupid things. Like really stupid.” He stated matter of factly. Like it was that simple.

“Okay, makes sense. Gotcha. But what happens when you are, I don’t know, doing a lot of really stupid things, a lot of the time? Then what? Then I will need to step in more and that is certain to piss you off. Which will probably make things tough between us and I will probably feel like yelling again out of frustration. So, how do I handle that situation?” I asked, kinda afraid (in a good way) of the answer because of his silver linings and insights.

“Well, yes, yep that will definitely annoy the heck out of me. I will probably be rude. Nope. Definitely will be rude. But that’s on me I guess. Just don’t yell. It won’t help. And I will just put my headphones on and not listen anyways. So I guess, the answer to all of this mom? The best way to not yell at teens? Just don’t do it. It’s useless.”

Again, stated as if it is that simple. But maybe it was that simple?

There is a whole lot of truth in his statements. I trusted him more. Gave him more space. More responsibility. I removed some rules and put in some boundaries and said when the boundaries are broken, the rules and my being more present return. Do we both still yell? Yes – we both still get moody and we are both still human!

But the interactions are way less intense, shorter and he genuinely apologizes after. It is progress as he says, and progress is the goal. I mean look where progress got us – to a conversation in the front seats of my uber cool minivan!

And, he is right. Yelling doesn’t work – kids literally don’t hear us when we yell. It achieves nothing. They tune us out and teens – they especially tune it out. And not only do they tune us out, they then get more pissed at us and put up a wall to tune us out even more the next time we yell or even talk.

There isn’t much upside to yelling. It kind of is that simple. Is it that easy to just not yell? No. But remembering that it doesn’t work is a simple, helpful tool.

There are a few other things I did that he doesn’t see…

When he really gets going and rudely starts up, I walk away and dis-engage after I state calmly and without emotion, “I want to talk to you and hear what you have to say, but I will not be spoken to that way.” (His feelings do matter, I don’t want to shut them out. I am not walking away from him or his feelings, just the disrespectful behavior. Which we always address later when we are both calm.)

When he is frustrated with me for whatever I did, even if that is just breathing, I state, “I am here if you want” and again, walk away and don’t wait for a reaction.

I do random acts of kindness for him to remind him I love him and positively build our connection during good times (like make him hot chocolate for when he is studying).

I joke around with him and get him to laugh with me and even at me. These moments are some of the best and have really strengthened our relationship.

When he rolls his eyes at my intentionally bad jokes or bad dancing or bad singing, they are his silent way of admitting he loves me 😉 Eye rolls aren’t always bad! I stopped focusing on the bad behaviors he was demonstrating and focused more on the good kiddo I know he is.

And, I remind myself that this is a hard time for both of us and that in a couple of years he is off to college and I want these years to be more positive than negative – and that means (amongst a lot of things) working hard to not yell, even when frustrated. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Life Lesson My Son Taught Me on the Drive Home From Drum Lessons

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My 11 year old just told me a life lesson that I didn’t fully grasp until at least 30…if that. Last drum lesson he left uber frustrated because he wasn’t playing well.

So frustrated in fact that he wanted to quit and just give up drums altogether. Going to today’s lesson took a lot of reassuring and supporting from me and honestly, a lot of courage and strength from him. He showed up and almost didn’t make it in – but he did!

So proud. But truly the best was the car ride home…

“Mom, I just realized that my brain is why I make mistakes.

I mean yes I make mistakes because I make mistakes but so much of that is because of what my brain is saying to me!

When I tell myself I can’t do the beat and I can’t hold the drumsticks right then I make more mistakes!

My brain is so important! It’s the most important! My thoughts are so important to my ability to play drums…or basketball…or anything!”

Yes, my sweet boy. Yes. Breakthrough tonight! We both needed it big time.

So happy for him. Oh…and irony that the song he was learning tonight was “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Irony? I think not.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Loving Myself More…So That I Yell Less in 2023

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This time of year is hard for me and I can just be out right grumpy. Spending holidays divorced are really hard and to boot, my wedding anniversary is days away. I am not really in the yippee-yahoo-lets-go-get-em-tiger-and-crush-a-new-resolution kind of mood. Which is kind of a bummer because I am a reflective person. I love thinking – what’s working, what’s not? What should I stop doing? Start doing? What do I want to see happen? But, it is all good because I reflect daily, not just on December 31/January 1. I know what I am all about in 2023.

It’s the same as 2022. And arguably the same as 2021. And probably even 2020 and 2019! Not so much before that. Didn’t see it yet!

I don’t necessarily like the following phrase because it has been overused and has therefore become cliché but… if I am going to be brutally honest, I am all about finding inner peace. Strengthening my inner peace.
Gray Rhinos are naturally calm and peaceful animals.When I started The Orange Rhino years ago, I thought, yeah, I am a Rhino, I am naturally calm and totally peaceful. HAH! I have come to realize, I am sooooo not! I am not naturally calm and really not so much at peace, even when at rest. I want to be. I want “calm” to be my natural instinct, but it isn’t. I can be calm. When there is a legit emergency, i.e. blood everywhere from another “we need stitches” situation, I am calm and confident as can be. Totally an Orange Rhino. But generally speaking, my system isn’t calm or naturally peaceful. And ohh, oh how I want to be naturally calm and peaceful instead of being in a constant state of stress.

Stress from myself.
Stress from my environment.
Stress from life.
Stress from others.
Stress from sensory processing stuff.
Stress from living with anxiety.
Stress. Stress. Stress. Stress.It is always fun to go to a new doctor and tell them about my life. Their eyes widen and they just can’t believe all the stressors (no, I don’t share everything here, some stuff is purely private.) They then hear me list everything right I am doing to manage the stress and then agree that I am doing the best I can under the situation and to carry on the best I can.

BUT there is one are where I am not “doing my best” well, at least yet. I am working hard at more inner peace by letting go of negativity. I am being more critical of what I accept/don’t accept in my life because my life depends on it.

A huge source of that negativity comes from the one and only…me! My self-doubt and critical talk is abundant. So I am working on that. Kind of had enough it to be honest. Here is a trick that I use when I am being too critical. I simply ask myself,”What good is that statement?

Is that helping you?

Is it making you feel better?”

The answer is always no, not at all and that is enough to help me stop ruminating on it.

Last night. This morning. These last couple of weeks.
“I have nothing to offer.
Other people are better.
I’m rejected daily (oh social media and your insights, you stink!)
I’m behind schedule.

I’m not doing it right.”

I could go on and on. But I stop myself because – these negative thoughts DO ME NO GOOD. They aren’t helpful (nor true, but I don’t fully believe that lol…yet). They just aren’t. So why waste time on them?

I am not perfect on telling these negative thoughts to go away. But I am doing my best because that is what I have right now. I am continuing to work on the negative self talk or put another way, in Orange Rhino terms…drum roll…

Loving (myself) More

The upside to Loving (myself) More and strengthening my calm and peaceful inner rhino?

It leads to yelling less, a lot less.

So, today, as you go about a New Year’s Resolution, or even begin perhaps to start slowly yelling less…if you find yourself being critical and talking in any unloving ways to yourself, try asking yourself,

“Is this helpful?”

And then say to yourself,

“I’m doing my best”

Love yourself more today – and see what naturally happens. Good things…like yelling less…I am pretty sure.

Sending strength, resilience, never-ending determination and lots of “you got this,”

The Orange Rhino

(c) The Orange Rhino 2023

Helping Hands Do More Than Yelling Demands

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Just another friendly reminder that I am not perfect…

Last night, I came in the door from picking up a child from the one-thousandth activity of the day, to find one dear child still on the couch. Hand’t moved an inch in ten minutes despite being asked to do so before I left. Eyes still glued to the phone. Before I knew it – before he even spoke a word, or moved a muscle – I started being wicked cranky.

“What are you doing?” I barked.

“Why are you still on the couch?” I demanded.

“I thought you had work to do?” I implored.

“Did you email me that document that needed printing?” I practically yelled?

My son’s response, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

And pause…how could I not? That stung. Ouch. I don’t know why. Sorry kiddo, not how I want to treat you or who I want to be at all. Darn-it. And also pause because that is the best thing to do when triggered and even though I was clearly already triggered – this was a new trigger and set me up to legit yell if I didn’t pause!

As I paused…so many thoughts started flying through my mind, by two main takeaways:

1. I wasn’t yelling – but my tone was impatient, rude, demanding, and had quickly grown close to yelling. To him, it felt mean-ish. Yelling isn’t always loud. The true concept behind yelling is about how our words make others feel. Tone, and the words we chose, count chose as much.

2. He asked a really, really good question.
Just because I am the adult and he is a kid doesn’t mean I always know everything or am always right. His question needed to be asked. Why was I being so impatient and rude? What had flipped my peaceful, I’m in a good place mood, to I’m in a cranky mood so quickly?

I want to share what happened next because, well, that’s what I do.
I immediately paused and remained in the moment and the uncomfortable feeling of, “yuck, I was just a total jerk.”

I started reflecting and asking myself all sorts of questions because I didn’t know why I was suddenly in this mood. All I knew was that I no longer wanted to be in it! I wanted to get back to a peaceful place so that bedtime could go smooth (and quick!) and I could go to be feeling good about how the day ended!

Why am I in this mood?

Did something happen in the car ride home?
Did I see something on social media when I got home and scrolled for two minutes before entering the house?
Was I hungry?
Was I anxious because it was late in the day and still so much to do?
Was I jealous because he was on the couch chilling and that was so out of my reach?
Was I fearful that this child didn’t get what he needed done while I was gone and therefore that it was going to be a long night?

Was it all of the above?
One of the above?
Some of the above?
Yep.
As I sit here, I think what happened was the following.
I walked in.
I saw the beautiful Christmas tree.
I remembered how I was looking forward to getting this particular child (who struggles to sleep these days) to bed, hopefully early, so that I could watch cheesy Hallmark movies while wrapping presents.I was anticipating PEACE and me time. This sweet child had told me he had work to do. Had told me he was going to shower. His being on the couch, are you ready for this cheesy insight? It felt like a threat to my peaceful moment. So I charged with my words. I acted like a Gray Rhino…

Many of you ask – why The Orange Rhino? Long story short – I needed a moniker because I was anonymous when I started. My son was picking his nose once and said, “I can’t yell but I can still pick my nose” which led me to google Rhinos because somehow the word “rhinoplasty” came into my mind at that moment. The symbolism was striking and still is to this day, perhaps even more so.

Gray Rhinos – tenacious, vigorous and naturally peacefully animals who aggressively charge when provoked.

Whoa. I considered myself peaceful. Looking back, I laugh at that. I am not peaceful, but I wanted to be peaceful! But I didn’t want to charge aggressively (yell) when provoked.

Voila – The Orange Rhino – determined and resilient people who choose to remain peaceful and respond warmly when provoked – whether by kids, themselves, or life.

Last night, last night was a Gray Rhino moment. I needed to turn back into having The Orange Rhino mindset of remaining peaceful and warm. I apologized to my son for my cranky responses, I told him there were better ways for me to share my feelings and that I was feeling frustrated that I asked him to do several things and he hadn’t done them yet. Then, to ensure he didn’t charge back at me, that he didn’t meltdown or get aggressive with his words, to ensure that we remained in a peaceful, productive place, I asked him, “how can I help you get these things done?”

Just kidding. See, not perfect.

I did apologize and share my frustration politely and in a more productive manner. But I forgot the working with him part, the problem solving together part. Being an Orange Rhino isn’t just about my behavior. Our kids have their own inner Gray Rhinos too! We need to bring out their Orange Rhino’s.

Since I missed the latter piece of working with him – he was now in a charged mood. He barked back at me some more and stormed off upstairs. I gave him space. I arranged a floral bouquet I had bought earlier to bring me some joy and get me to a peaceful place. I then when upstairs when I knew I was ready, truly ready, to interact in a productive, peaceful, Orange Rhino kind of way.

During these last nights of Hanukkah, these last days before Christmas, last days before Holiday break (or early days of break), likelihood is our kids are in more charged moods. Meet them with warmth. Meet them with a problem solving, let’s do this together attitude. It will go a lot farther. It is easy to think, “They need to learn to do things on their own!” Yes, they do, but sometimes our kids – like us – benefit from a little breaking of always learning and doing things on our own. If this doesn’t resonate, I leave you with this question.

How do you feel when someone decides to offer a helpful, loving hand and help you and do something with you, instead of you being left to do it alone by yourself? Would you rather, this week in the week of heightened stress, get into a fight with your child and them have a meltdown over a chore OR would your rather work with them and teach them empathy and the gift of helping others by extending a hand by working with them? Just food for thought. More so a really direct, blunt reminder to MYSELF. eh hem. Read your own words The Orange Rhino.

EDIT: CRAP. I just realized something. The REAL trigger? I mean I knew I wanted peaceful me time, but really the deeper meaning behind that? I just wanted, realllllly needed, a break. I needed someone to ask met he exact question I didn’t ask my son. I needed someone to ask me, “How can I help you?”(c) The Orange Rhino, 2022

10 Ways I Yell Less When Life Gets Extra Busy

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As we go into what I am sure will be an extra busy weekend for many – being the weekend before Christmas and the 1st night of Hanukkah – I thought I would share some of my top 10 tips for Not Yelling at your kids. I am gonna warn you though – the list might not be what you expect.

When I challenged myself to go an entire year without yelling at my kids (then ages 5 and under), my assumption was that I was going to learn how to “improve” my kids’ behavior, how to get them to listen better, respond faster, fight less, and all that stuff so that they gave me less reasons to yell.

Because you know they were the majority of the problem – or so I thought. I quickly learned, by tracking when and why I yelled, that while some of their behaviors were indeed triggers, a lot of these triggers came from me and own crap. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” stuff. I quickly learned that while I was indeed triggered by their not listening, the yelling wasn’t because of the trigger – the yelling was because I wasn’t in a place to manage the trigger!

The real trigger was me.
My mood.
My problems.
My life.
My past.
Blech.

Don’t get me wrong. My kids’ behaviors could (is!) still be triggering, but in learning to not yell, I had to look at the whole picture and find solutions to all the triggers. And what I have really come to learn since my book came out and I was forced to reflect on what was next, is that what happens all the many moments before “the yelling trigger” are just as important as the exact moment you want to yell.

Just think about it. I hate using battle as an example but…no, I just can’t. I need to come up with something better.

Okay – pick any big moment.
Job interview.
Breaking up with someone.
Going to divorce court.
Meeting with a friend over a personal issue.

How well you handle that tough emotional moment depends on so many things – but how you go into it, how calm, confident, prepared makes a world of difference. Of course there is only so much one can do to control everything before the tough moment.

I mean knowing me – I can do everything I do to be mentally ready – and then do what I do best and slip on non-slippery pavement and fall into the smallest puddle ever and spill the one drop of coffee left on the one white polka dot on my shirt – and then become all frazzled and poof! Mental state begone BUT my mental state will still be way better than if I had done nothing to be in a good place.

So with that said…some of my top things to prepare for / handle yelling moments:

BEFORE the DESIRE to YELL – setting up for success 

  1. Identify what problems might arise and problem solve (for me – malls are hot and crowded and make me cranky so now I wear t-shirts. No joke. And I always leave the jacket in the car. Carrying it makes me even crankier.) Also, practice. What will you do? How will you respond? What will you say? Knowing is MORE than half the battle 😉
  2. Drink lots of water and eat balanced meals (Kids and parents, alike!) – I know, this is annoying to freakin’ read but it is relevant. I do not want to get into a nutritional debate. But, hanger is a real thing. Dehydration doesn’t help. I have learned as I have aged that Pizza and I? We had to break up. It was tragic. One of my worst breakups ever. Pizza truly made me cranky. I have also broken up with ice cream sundaes. And bagels with cream cheese. My world is a little less without these foods BUT the few moments of joy they brought me were increasingly LESS than the crankiness and bickering that came after.
  3. Exercise (parents and kids alike, again!) – Moving the body, works wonders, endorphins and all that good stuff. Plus if done together, connection and sometimes even problem solving because it is easier to share problems walking next to each other not staring into each other’s eyes 😉
  4. Do something relaxing / enjoyable for even just a few minutes – doesn’t matter what. When my kids come home every other weekend, it is super stressful. Really hard. I always try to sit and do something just for me for 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. It can be anything – think out of the box. What makes you happy? Just think about that. Think about a favorite memory. A future trip.
  5. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It truly is medicine. TRIGGER is totally STARTING to get to you.
  6. Find a baby picture – or a happy picture – remember your child is indeed a sweet, loving, innocent child. They aren’t trying to be bad. They are in need and don’t know how to better communicate. Happy pictures also release endorphins.
  7. Release it and “yell” productively and proactively – but say something totally and utterly different. OOGASCHMOOGABOOGA!!! This was an old one, but a favorite. It made us all laugh because it is ridiculous sounding and fun to say. If I opened my mouth to yell I would pause and then burst into that. Took practice – but getting out the yell productively, released that emotion. The intensity needs to get out – let it out or it will come out in other not so good ways! Also – yell into the freezer (cold air, works wonders), get your kids and run around outside yelling while playing tag or whatever (bonus – fresh air and exercise)
  8. Turn the lights down – two effects (1) makes kids stop because they are all what the heck just happened so not only have they stopped you have their attention and (2) it reduces sensory overload and induces a more relaxing environment oh and (3) forces a pause for everyone which gives you a chance to re-group mentally.
  9. And now a trick brought to you by my therapist. 5-4-3-2-1 senses. Notice 5 things you can see – 4 things you can hear – 3 things you can smell – 2 things you can touch – 1 thing you can taste. I apply the senses to any number but the point is all senses assigned to a number. This brings you into the present moment which again, allows you to re-group and respond instead of yell.
  10. Remind yourself: it isn’t an emergency. Yelling isn’t needed. Yelling won’t truly work – it won’t truly de-escalate the situation, it won’t motivate long-term, it won’t build a connection to prevent the same situation from happening again. Yelling will likely make things worse. Yelling really isn’t what you want to do. This tough moment will indeed pass AND You can get through it – and will get through it – without yelling because you, you my friend are a freakin’ Orange Rhino.

A strong, determined, peaceful and powerful person. So go head, respond – really, problem solve – that really annoying trigger without yelling – use a quiet voice because kids have to work harder to listen.

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Talking to Kids About Suicide, Loss and the Importance of Staying Here

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I have debated back and forth a lot this morning about posting this because it is sensitive and I want to get it right. But it is all that is on my mind and I feel it is ever so important to share. Love to all. TRIGGER warning, suicide.

Disclaimer, I am not a mental health professional. If you need help, please call or text 988 because you matter – and we need you here.

One of my sons came into the kitchen last night and said, “Mom, did you see who died?! The guy from Ellen I used to watch when I was younger. I loved him. He was the best.” The sadness and disbelief crept onto his face and…tears come to my eyes now.

I loved watching my son watch Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss. When he did, my son’s eyes filled with awe and his smile with joy. It was always, always, one of the sweetest moments during our chaotic days. Such an incredible loss. Oh my heart aches for his family and all those who struggle. I just can’t. I can’t.

My son then asked how he died and I replied, “He died by suicide sweetheart.”

“Oh.” His face fell even more. The silence became heavy.

“But he seemed so happy. I don’t understand.”

“Yes. I know. I don’t either. It’s tragic beyond words. Heartbreaking. It’s a good, albeit very sad, reminder that you never know what is going on in someone’s private life or in their mind. It is why I always say, just be kind. You don’t know everyone’s story. What they have been through in life or that day. Just be kind.”

“I know.” he said softly.

And I know he did. He is one sweet, loving, empathetic kind kid. I could see he was also thinking, pondering. He knows some people in his life who have struggled.

This is, and rightfully so, a hard, subject for him, for me, for all of us. But it can’t be avoided.

“Hey kiddo. I want you to remember. In life, you might feel some really crappy, heavy, feelings and feel like they will never go away, that they are permanent, and that you will always feel miserable. You are young so you won’t have experienced yet that these crappy and depressing feelings will go away, they will pass. I promise. You won’t have experienced yet that you can get through the hard times. But you can. I promise you. And you know you never, ever have to be alone with your feelings. I am always here for you. And remember, I love you. You make my life better!”

“I know, mom, thanks.” And off he went to sit with our dog Hope, for some love and comfort. And off I went to try and focus on dinner when really I just wanted to cry.

I have had days where I have said to my therapist, “I just can’t anymore. The pain is too much. This is too hard. When is it going to end? I need it to end.”

The sad part is – even though I love my therapist and I trust her implicitly – I always cushion those statements (the few times I have said them) with “I am not going to do anything, I am in just so much deep pain and I don’t know how to explain it in other words.” Lest my therapist think I am *gasp* actually in that, THAT much pain.

No, I can’t have her think that. I can only have her think I am in a mediocre amount of pain. Oh, how I wish we were more free to fully share the depths of our feelings without fear of judgement. I know my therapist won’t judge me; she is the best.

But the world, my inner world? It has, and for this, I hold back. I keep my dark, ugly feelings to myself. The thoughts no one wants to hear but that I am certain everyone also has.

Except one thought – and that one I shared loud and clear – that I yell at my kids. It worked out okay sharing that dark truth. It felt great knowing I wasn’t the only one; it brought such comfort, such relief.

So, I share this today – hesitant as can be – because I know there is at least 1 person who follows this page who needs to read this and who needs to know, You aren’t alone. I see you. I feel your pain all too well. I know you are hurting. I know you are wondering if you are loved. I know you are feeling tossed aside and that you don’t matter; that you aren’t good enough and never will be. I know that you are feeling that nothing is getting better, just worse, so what’s the point.

The point is your children. They need you. They really do. Anytime you hear, “Mama? Mom? Mommy?” It really means, I need you. It really means, where are you – I need your comfort, I need the support only you can provide. It really means, are you there because I need you here because you make me feel safe in this world. And your kids do love you, even though they show it sometimes in the oddest of ways. Your friends love you and need you.

Your family – whoever you may call family – needs you. Things will get better, they just haven’t, yet, but they will. I am living proof that they will. You are more than good enough – the fact that you follow this page, that you are interested in learning about how to yell less shows me that you are interested in self-growth and being the best you can be which tells me you are a great parent. If you doubt yourself as a mom, remind yourself that the mere fact that you ask yourself that means that you are kicking butt at parenthood.

We work hard and try to improve at what we care about – at what we love. Loving our kids and wanting the best for them is the core of being a good mom. That is you. You care enough to self-reflect and make sure you are doing your best. That means you are present and working hard – keep it up.

And remember… Life can be painful. Pain can seem like it will never, ever get better. Days can seem like they refuse to end. Months can seem to be filled with constant bad news, always something new to overcome. But it all passes. It might go a heck of a lot slower than desired. It might be painful as heck and hard as heck and undesirable as heck to go through – but one can get through it all. You will be exhausted as all get out – from motivating yourself daily, hourly even, to find perspective, to find the good, to find the positive thoughts, and to find the strength to not lose hope – but you will sleep and then live to make it through another day that will hopefully, and eventually be better than the day before.

I got through a lot of crap with the help of not one, but two therapists. You read that right. Oh, and my friend, Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. No shame. No shame at all. I have four kiddos who I love fiercely and who need me at the best I can be. And despite all the pain and yuck in the world, there is also beauty and I want to be able to get out and fully experience it without being held back by darkness.

Again, life can be painful. Life can be hard. Life can be overwhelming. But you can get through it. I know you can. Repeat. I know you can. I hope you have a friend you can reach out to today to say, “I’m hurting. Like really hurting and I need to talk. I need to tell you my truths.”

If you are hesitant to share, I want you to remember,

  1. In all likelihood, you sharing your truth is actually a gift to the person you share with because they too have probably felt the same and will feel a bit less alone as a result. They will feel a sense of relief.
  2. If they judge you – you have given yourself a gift of knowing who to remove from your life. Painful gift, but a long-term one that will keep giving. And if they judge you see #1. Likelihood is they aren’t ready to fully admit to their own feelings and their response has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They perhaps envy your strength and courage and they didn’t know what to do with it, except judge.
  3. If you are worried you will be judged because you have been by others in the past, it is still worth the risk. Sharing your feelings instead of carrying them as a burden will be a start in moving forward.

And if you truly know that there is no one that you can trust with your darkest feelings – your true, real feelings that are ever so valid – please text or call 988. You are so very, very needed. You are so very, very loved. And you can – and will – get through whatever darkness you are experiencing.

With so much love to all who are hurting and doubting, I just can’t say it enough – you are loved and we need you here, in this life. And to all who aren’t hurting today, smile at someone who isn’t; you might just make their day. Compliment someone; you might just help them see their strengths. And know that if and when you are hurting, I will see you then too. * AND if you have time, please read the comments.

I do not want to miss anyone being brave enough to share their truths. Please take a moment to share love and encouragement.

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Do I Need Right Now? The Question I Keep Coming Back To

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I want to share a question with you that I ask myself often. Well, I guess it is several questions, all variations of the same. But of course I am going to share it within a story 🙂

I sit here typing, struggling. I think I have another mild concussion or at least whiplash. May 5, 2017 I was in a car accident. Major concussion. It sucked. I got out of the car then (didn’t realize how bad my symptoms were yet) and saw that I had been hit by a brand new driver. She was in tears and the fear in her face just melted my mama heart. Any anger I could have felt disappeared.

My brand new car that I bought all by myself post divorce, a car that represented my new start, was destroyed and yet I didn’t feel an ounce of anger at that moment.

Instead, I focused my energy on soothing this young teenager.

“I am okay.” I promised her. “Your parents will be happy you are okay.” I reassured her. “Listen, everyone has a first accident. You are lucky it was your parents car and not your own and now you have it out of the way!” I said, trying to make her smile.

She just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I just kept saying, “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay, it’s going to be okay!” Maybe I was in shock.

Maybe I truly felt more empathy than anger at that point. Or maybe I was just in full on Orange Rhino mode and knew that yelling wasn’t worth it. (Maybe, it was all three.) Honestly, what good would yelling have achieved?

Would it have made my car new again? No.
Would it have made my neck stop aching? No.
Would it have made her feel any better? No.
Would it have made her feel a heck of a lot worse and therefore an even more nervous driver for months to come and therefore more prone for accidents? Yes.
Would it have made me physically feel worse? Yes.

Yelling would have done me no good. I am glad that I didn’t yell then. Absolutely no upside.

Back to the present day. Ever since that concussion back in 2017, the mildest thing can set my head off, even not getting into a car accident. Sunday night I was driving my boys to dinner. I was going down a very small hill, totally going the speed limit, when a car at the bottom was clearly not yielding. I had the right of way. We were about to slam into each other. It was either going to be a head-on collision or I was going to be nailed right in the driver’s side door. Full speed.

When I say fear consumed me at that moment, that second, it is an understatement. Saying I saw my life flash before my eyes is an overstatement and yet, feels really close to the best statement. Holy sh*t.

I slammed on my brakes so freakin’ hard and they screeched and jerked (along with my entire body and especially my neck) as my minivan violently but quickly came to a halt inches, centimeters (?) from the other driver’s car. My left arm immediately went up and pointed to the yield sign and I mouthed the words “Yield! You have a yield.”

My right arm remained where it always goes – in front of my front seat passenger. My right arm had gone out to protect my son just as fast as my foot went to slam on the breaks. As I began to drive forward, the driver rolled down his window and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”

Somehow, despite being completely freaking scared and triggered, I calmly replied, “I am just glad no one got hurt.” I then drove on and well, promptly burst into tears.

One son asked why I was crying. I said, “Well, that was just really scary and I am just so relieved and happy we are okay. I really meant that.”

Another son asked, “Why didn’t you yell at him? Tell him what a jerk driver he was?”

My response? “Well, what good would that have done? What would it have achieved? It wouldn’t have made things better? In fact it could have made things worse? What if my yelling really pissed him off and he got angry instead of apologetic and started a fight? Nobody got hurt. We are all okay. We are safe. Yelling wasn’t going to achieve anything. And besides, how can I yell at a car that looks like Rudolph?”

I meant what I said to him. What good would yelling have done? We all know fundamentally yelling doesn’t do any good. But I often remind myself of that when I can remember too 😉

When I am starting to get agitated – especially with teenagers – I ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve?”

And then when I find myself getting cranky or even yelling…
“Is yelling helping me get what I want/need?”

“Is yelling worth it?”

And then when I find myself even more annoyed with the situation…
“Am I making the situation better or worse by yelling?”

These questions do help ground me and either prevent me from yelling or using a nasty tone or help reel me back in.

Do I remember them all the time?! No. Of course not. BUT with practice, they become more natural. Or with repetition. The more I remind myself that yelling isn’t worth it, the more I remember to find a better, more productive path.

So while I didn’t yell at the gentleman who almost slammed into my family 🙁 I did yell at my family Monday night. All day Monday my body hurt, my head throbbed and everything was freakin’ blurry. I felt like crap. I assumed it was my new medication. I was so moody with my boys. I apologized but still. I was not fun to be around. I put myself to bed early.

Yesterday was better but still symptoms. No yelling though. Why? It dawned on me as I fell asleep holding my head Monday night that I probably had a mild concussion from the whip lash of slamming on the breaks so hard. Understanding of what is going on in our minds and bodies – of our triggers – can do wonders. It doesn’t excuse them, but it explains them which oddly enough helps calm them a little.

Here’s to a Wednesday of gently reminding ourselves that yelling doesn’t really work and that finding our triggers and understanding them does really work!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When a Conversation About Weight Is Really About Self-Worth

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I hesitate to share this post because I don’t really want to get into my weight and all that but something happened recently that led to a great insight that I want to share. So as you read this realize it really isn’t about my weight 🙂 Okay, onward!

A few weeks before Thanksgiving I saw my primary doctor for my annual visit. She asked me if I had any concerns and I laughed and said, “where do I start?!” I shared my biggest one: my weight. I told her I knew that my weight was of concern given that I was well overweight and that I am pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and High Blood Pressure (already borderline there).

I shared everything that I was doing and that my biggest concern was that despite doing everything “right” nothing was working. She shared my concerns and referred me to a different doctor for a more detailed workup.

The next day I found myself starting to get super frustrated and down on myself about my weight. My mind started to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking and all the “I can’t do this anymore, I am so tired of my weight” but then I somehow, miraculously, said to myself, “You have a plan. Do not worry. You have a plan. You have an appointment with the new doctor and you are going to figure this whole weight thing out. Just be patient.”

Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt calm. My brain stopped in its tracks and the negative thinking subsided.

The mere statement, “I have a plan” gave me hope.
Gave me reassurance.
Gave me peace.
Gave me calm.
Gave me power.

Never has a statement or mantra worked so well for me. It was golden. I was so excited! Fast forward a week. It is the day of my appointment and I am actually excited for this appointment that is the first step in my plan to help with my weight – to help with my struggle – to help with an area where I am working so hard and getting nowhere and feeling so dejected. This appointment wasn’t about my weight anymore, it was about my well being.

The appointment was a virtual one and actually wasn’t with the doctor. It was with the intake coordinator to figure out who was the best fit in the practice. Two hours before said appointment I got a phone call, “Hi, we have an appointment at 11. I was looking at your BMI and your file and while yes you are indeed overweight (oh thank you very much for that by the way the indeed was really a nice added touch) you aren’t overweight ENOUGH and even though you are pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and have the markers, you aren’t diabetic yet. You don’t qualify for help.”

Folks, I had to even stop typing right now because even writing this story, the disbelief and anger left me without words. I get it – a lot of people need help and the office needs parameters so they can help the most in needed.

But here I am, legitimately also needing help and not able to get it until things get worse. I was so shocked – and so sad and discouraged – that I could barely ask follow up questions. She did say I should follow up with my Thyroid doctor and I told her I had an appointment but not for three months.

She said I could try a nutritionist in the group and I said I don’t need help with that, I am already doing that and it isn’t working. Something in my body isn’t clicking, isn’t working. I need help, I reiterated. I basically only got an, “I’m sorry. Best of of luck.”

I needed help and I was denied it.

I had a plan and it was destroyed.

I was left feeling so incredibly discouraged. Beyond discouraged.

This was weeks ago and I have really struggled since with motivation to keep going with my current plan of eating healthy, exercising, drinking more water, getting good sleep, etc… because it feels like a moot point. It is so hard to work on something without progress, is it not?

 And yet, I need to keep going with this current plan because I know the doctor in three months will ask if I did all of these things. It is so hard to follow a plan that doesn’t really feel much like a solid plan anymore.

Which brings me back to the beginning. I was so excited for my doctor’s appointment because it gave me a plan which gave me hope.

Knowing that I was taking a step in the right direction
– that I was going to have support
– that there would be actual help and tools and guidance
– that I would make progress
– that my challenge would be made easier
– all of this gave me hope and motivation.

And through all of these feelings one thing kept coming to mind. And it wasn’t my weight. It was The Orange Rhino. I don’t want you all to lose hope like I have. I don’t want you all to feel denied of help. I don’t want you all to feel discouraged. I want you all to have a plan to yell less.

So two things:
(1) Track your triggers – notice when and why and where you yell. Because when you have those pieces of information, you can create a plan, a roadmap of how to tackle those moments, those triggers and you can start having an easier time making progress at yelling less and loving more. Trigger awareness will allow you to say to yourself in a moment when you feel discouraged and want to stop trying, “Wait, I have a Plan.”

(2) Coming January (all fingers crossed that I get my sh*t together), in some shape or form, I will be doing some sort of either 30-Day Challenge or Book Club or Trigger Tracking Workshop. Something. I don’t know what. But I can help. And I want to.

So there ya go. Please don’t take away from this post “The Orange Rhino doesn’t like her weight.” Instead take away the powerful mantra, “I have a plan.” And go and start creating one today, one trigger at a time! Go and plan how to manage/respond one trigger today and you will be on your way to yelling less than you did yesterday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Anxiety Before a Doctor’s Appointment: When Your Brain Makes the Day Harder

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Good morning. It is Thursday. Apparently. It is also December. Apparently. How either of these basic, expected facts are true I do not know. I swear yesterday was just Monday morning and the start to a long week and I swear yesterday was just my 1st day back as The Orange Rhino. I know it is cliche but where is the time going? I need it to slow down.

An update since many of you messaged me. Yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was good. Once I got there. Need to share the before I got there part. So here I was, already a nervous mess, sitting on the train. I decided to open the dr’s medical app to review notes / test results from the past year. Upon opening at 9:23 am, I see that it says “Appointment today at 9:15.” HOLY SH*T I start panicking and crying and thinking “how did I f this up…and I am not surprised I did…I f up lots of appointments lately” and blah blah blah and “now I have to wait another 6 months and this sucks” and more blah blah blah.

Went down the whole rabbit hole of self hatred. I called the office immediately and told them I had the appointment for 11 and that was the reminder I received.

Their response? “Oh yes, but you also had one at 9:15 and you have one at 9:45.” I informed them I was 5 min away from the train station and then would either have to (1) walk/attempt to run in the rain to the appt which would take 20 min at least or (2) fight with everyone for a cab in the rain.

She told me not to worry but to hurry.

So, here I am. Back pack on (I had brought stuff to do in case appt ran late). I check out the taxi line and realize that ain’t happening and I need to get away from the station first.

So I start running. As a mom who had four children. Who apparently needed to pee. If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.

So after running for a solid 6 seconds it was clear: I would NOT be running unless I wanted to have an accident. Swell.

So I walked as fast as I could and then luckily a cab literally pulled up by me (I say literally because it was so close it splashed me lol) and this lovely man jumped out and even held the door for me as I got in. He must have seen the panic in my eyes. I roll up as close to the appt as the driver can get and I start walking as fast as possible again. I arrive and go to the dr and start to check in.

Except I am on the wrong floor. Neurology has three floors in the building and I got mixed up (because I have been to all three!) Anywho, so here I am, just having hauled ass to arrive as fast as possible to be greeted by someone at check in who I clearly didn’t talk to on the phone earlier, because the greeting was: “Yes, lets check you in for your 11 appointment. You are totally on time. You just have two quick tests before your appointment and sometimes day of the app will add those tests as appointments for two hours earlier. You won’t actually do the tests for another 30 min or so. So have a seat.”

FOLKS. At this point, I am dripping in sweat. I was wearing a sweater and a lined rain coat because it was cold!!! Not exactly walk-as-fast-as-humanly-possible / work out type of clothes! I go to the bathroom and dry off using the super comfortable scratchy-aren’t-really-working hand towels and then sit and wait. All my stress just to wait. Ugh.

Silver lining? I made it and the appointment didn’t need to be re-scheduled and another one? I got extra exercise in. The tech called me back and I had my tests done which in layman’s terms test to see if part of my eye is thinning (it shouldn’t be). From what I could tell, the results were the same as May which were the same as February which all means good news.

The Dr. confirmed that she was no longer worried about Glaucoma / vision loss and felt that my thin nerves are my standard. They still need to be monitored every 6 months given other symptoms and test results but now she is more confident and doesn’t need to repeat any other tests or order more MRI’s. (Last February I needed a brain MRI and met with numerous other specialists to understand my vision issues. There was no visual explanation to the thinning or other symptoms which was concerning. I didn’t have a tumor in my brain or behind my eye. Thank goodness.)

This was and is obviously GREAT NEWS. My neuro exam, however, wasn’t completely normal and I need to do more testing. She feels confident that I am experiencing migraines that don’t present as a typical headache…and confident that one diagnosis that a specialist wanted to explore can still remain on the back burner. For now. I have anxiety so just knowing this one diagnosis is still floating out there and isn’t crossed off yet is hard BUT I have learned the following…

Worrying about it now, in this moment, doesn’t do me any good! It just doesn’t. So I am focusing on the fact that apparently it is December and that my favorite day of the year is 24 days away and I want to enjoy every day leading up to it. I am a walking Hallmark movie character – I absolutely love Christmas and all the magic and hope and joy that can come with it. Seriously, anyone know how to get me into a Hallmark movie so I can walk around an adorably decorated town with my hot chocolate in hand and my perfect winter outfit?

Kidding. Kind of. This month reminds me to be present more than others – to enjoy the season of giving, to all. So here is to giving – not just gifts, but also giving patience, comfort, support, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, open-mindedness, hope, laughter, and most importantly love. Love to others and love to ourselves.

Here’s to giving love. (And to good news and not peeing my pants on the way to my appointment!) Thank you all for being here

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino