Sensory Overload, Clutter and Yelling: What My Teen Understands About Me

Posted on March 17, 2026 by The Orange Rhino

My teenage son totally has my number. And it’s because I taught him well. Ever since I was little, I’ve been super sensitive to certain sounds, textures, and visual clutter. I used to sit in movie theaters thinking, When I grow up, I’m going to invent popcorn that isn’t crunchy sounding… and chip bags that don’t wrinkle when you put your hand in.

So yes…having four loud boys did not exactly help my sensory processing. When they were younger, my nervous system was often fried from the noise, the chaos, the constant touching, the overwhelm, and the exhaustion. A lot of my yelling came from that place. My body was screaming on the inside and it needed somewhere for all that overload to go. Once I started The Orange Rhino Challenge®, I began understanding that better.

And I started handling it differently. I took breaks. Splashed cold water on my face. Turned on music to dance out my energy. Put in earbuds to listen to calming music and tune out the noise. I talked out loud about what was happening in my body. As the boys got older, and it became more obvious we’re a pretty neurodiverse family, I tried to make two things clear: It is my job to take care of me (likewise goes for them!) If I’m overwhelmed, it’s my job to step away, get my earbuds, regulate, and do what I need to do to feel better and less snappy.

And that in a family, it’s loving to consider each other too. If someone says they’re overloaded, the kind thing is to be considerate, help if you can… or at least maybe not chew chips like you’re in a sound effects competition.

Well. Fast forward to last night. I was super off. Later I realized my ankles were massively swollen, so apparently my body was not happy. Then my son started eating potato chips. I was about to absolutely lose my mind. And this child looked at me and said: “Mom, stop telling me to chew quieter. Where are your earbuds? You need them.”

Then he got up, found them, handed them to me, and said with the most loving and playful as possible but irritated voice, “I’ve had enough of you. I want to chew my chips in peace.”

Honestly? Fair. I put them in… but not before I blasted music on my computer and he chewed as obnoxiously loudly as possible. It became a full-on sound off. We both ended up smiling.

And I told him, “Thank you. I appreciate it. And you’re right… it was my job to get up and find them. Sorry, kiddo. Enjoy your chips. But first, may I have one?!”

We teach them and hope it lands. And then one day, it does and you feel so grateful. For the loving help and the potato chips. Sending my warmth and a little oomph to you, today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How Tuning Into My Teen’s Needs Led to the Conversation I’d Been Waiting For

Posted on September 26, 2024 by The Orange Rhino

It happened…but it almost didn’t, because of me. I’m so glad I woke up and tuned into my teenager’s needs. Last night, I had a forty minute adult conversation with my teenager. Like a legit, adult to adult chat about important things. Really, really important things. I’ve been waiting for this exact conversation to happen for a couple of years.

And it was great and wonderful and all the things I’ve dreamed it to be. The questions he asked were thoughtful. The statements made were insightful, beyond insightful. The conclusions were spot on.

And then…and then… I started nodding off 🙁 ARGH! I so wanted to stay awake. To keep my son talking, to keep the conversation that I had longed for, going. But I couldn’t stay awake. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was exhausted. (And you know because of course it was past 9:00!)

But you know what? I still savored every word my teenager said. Especially the, “hey mom, you look really tired. I think you need to go to bed. We can talk more tomorrow. You need to sleep. I love you.” And with that, just as suddenly as the conversation started, it ended.

But the conversation almost didn’t start…because I was so exhausted. He had come into my office where I was seeking quiet. He chitter-chattered away and I reactively replied, “hey buddy, I just need a minute. I just got back from back to school night and I’ve

been up since 5 and had a loooong day.” Not going to lie, I was hoping he would take the hint. I didn’t have it in me to actively listen.

I was more than physically tired. I was emotionally tired. It had been a day. It’s been a couple of weeks. I’m so glad he didn’t take my hint though. He kept chatting.

So I took his hint that I had missed. He wanted to connect. No, he needed to connect. I got up and said, “Let’s go talk in the family room.” The rest

is history. Last night was the beginning of a new chapter for my son and me. It was the beginning of a new chapter for him.

And it almost didn’t happen. You know what made it happen? The Orange Rhino Challenge and The Orange Rhino 2.0

The Orange Rhino Challenge taught me to yell less which helped me become responsive instead of reactive. Without it, I totally would have been snappy at him when he wouldn’t stop talking and he might have shut down and said, “You know what, forget it” and walked away. 98% chance of that. The Orange Rhino 2.0 (that’s the season I’m in now, don’t have a new name yet) is reminding me to create and live a brighter, lighter life so that I have the energy to remain responsive even as I face life’s daily challenges.

I’m more grateful than ever for The Orange Rhino this morning. The little logo that could;) I’m so glad it stayed with me all these years and encouraged me to keep going, to be warm, to remain chill. Seriously. And I’m so grateful you all have stayed with me and given me a place to write, to be, to think, to grow. Last night also happened because of the community you offer. THANK YOU. Just thank you. Last night was a gift that happened because of The Orange Rhino.

Call it cheesy, call it whatever. I call it amazing.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you are holding onto hope for the day you have that “one” conversation with someone dear to you, that one where they finally get it. I hope it happens soon.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Can Envy Be Useful? What a “Negative” Emotion Taught Me

Posted on February 29, 2024 by The Orange Rhino

So often negative emotions are seen as only that – negative 🙂 So they are discouraged, ignored, or pushed down. You all know me though, I’m a believer in “feel all the feels.” All emotions add value or another. So I don’t see negative emotions as negative (unless they are used that way.)

Last night, I had a full range of emotions – including envy – in a whopping span of five or so minutes. I had the option to let envy remain as a heavy, discouraging, negative feeling OR to let it lift me up. I chose the latter. Through a series of odd events, I discovered really cool information about a family relative right before going to bed.

At first, I felt inspired, uplifted. Thoughts like, “Wicked cool! Amazing! Holy schnikes!” ran through my mind. Their associated energies woke up my very tired, “is it bedtime yet” body. For a moment. Maybe two. Until eventually, the next thought popped up.

Before I share that thought, know that I’m okay with it. It might seem judgemental, negative, harsh. I see it as reflective. Empowering. Useful. That thought

“Wow. Look at my parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and other great-greats and cousins removed. Such smart people who made true contributions in their line of work. Who had passions and didn’t ignore them, but rather lived them. I have so many similar interests as them. Clearly interests in the brain and psychology and helping people are in my blood…and yet… and yet…

WHAT ABOUT ME? What am I doing? Why have I not acted fully like them? Why have I stopped short, and they went full speed ahead? Why have I held myself back? Why do I not believe that I could succeed in certain areas? Why do I dream, but not fully go forward?”

And lastly, “Oh, oh I am so tired of wishing and wanting and dreaming and not doing. I want to live a life pursuing my passions just like my great-great, or removed-removed, whatever he was relative.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this awakening if you will. It has happened a few times over the last five or so years. It’s part of what drove me back here.

When I started The Orange Rhino Challenge® to stop yelling for a year, when I started this community and started speaking with you all, I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in a while. My brain loved the intellectual challenge. My heart loved the emotional connections. All of me loved figuring out ways to help others yell less.

When I felt fully alive here, I had a pep in my step. I glowed. I felt confident, creative, excited, energized. I laughed, smiled more. I had dreams and was actively walking towards them. It felt AMAZING. It was amazing.

So when my life started to get more grey, when the heaviness of life started to win, I knew where to return.

HERE.

To a place that brought out the best in me.

To a place where I lived fuller.

As I think back to last night, and reading about my relative and his contributions to the world of psychology and child development (not sharing names to protect privacy of my extended family), I do find myself feeling envious of all he achieved. Of all he went forward with. But envy isn’t bad. It’s a light shining on what matters to us -or- where we need to work a little bit. If we look at envy as a light, instead of as a weight, it will truly brighten the way forward towards where we want to go. It will brighten the way towards a more fulfilling life, a lighter life.

I’m excited for today, to see what my envy is telling me. I have a thousand hunches, all good. I feel excited. I feel a little more certain about the direction I’m supposed to be headed.

Reading more about my famous relative last night was exciting, then a little discouraging, and now, well now I just wish he was alive so we could have coffee and geek out and talk about the future of The Orange Rhino.

* If you and I were to have coffee today, what dream would you want to talk about? What would get you all giddy and excited? *

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always…so that you may keep going towards the life you dream of…and deserve!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Yelling Less Taught Me About Being More Playful With My Kids

Posted on February 8, 2024 by The Orange Rhino

Playful.Y’all. Not a word I would have ever used to describe myself. Never in one thousand years. But since I stopped yelling? Or rather, when I am in an Orange Rhino state of mind (sorry Billy Joel, kinda just changed your lyrics, what can I say, you inspire me), I am. I am so playful. I am relaxed. I am light.

But it isn’t because I am not yelling. I am in an Orange Rhino state of mind because of one thousand things I am doing or rather, working on, constantly.

Like managing my anxiety.
Exercising (which by the way is taking a boat load of mental motivation this week. Ugh.)
Writing to this wonderful community.
Crying to my therapist.
Letting go of my anger of which I have plenty this month. Plenty.

In the span of one month, I received a diagnosis that could have been prevented if I was listened to one year ago.

My son received a diagnosis on Monday that could have been prevented if I was listened to last year, and the year before, and the year before that and the year before that.

So yeah, I’m angry. But the anger isn’t doing me good. It’s heavy. It weighs me down. It doesn’t feel good. It isn’t fun.

So I said hello to it, shared it, processed it and said goodbye for the day. It will probably come back today. And I will repeat the process.

Because I’d rather be playful. It just feels better. When there is the rare opening to chat with my teens and the moon and stars align and our moods align, I want to be playful with them.

Like last night. Darling teenager had the vanilla Haggen-dazs. He was eating right out of it as there wasn’t much left. I could have been annoyed at the bad manners OR I could join in and eat the ice cream with him. (No comments please. We have all sat and shared ice cream with a loved one, no?) I choose to have fun. What did I do? I secretly got a spoon. Then I snuck up on him, grabbed the ice cream and ran for it. I didn’t make it very far. But I did get one really good bite. And a lot of laughter. That filled my soul more.

Learning to let go of anger.
Learning to manage my anxiety.
Learning to set boundaries for myself.
Learning to feel all the feels.
Learning to see beauty even on the darkest days.
Learning to live fully… Not easy things for me to learn.

But things that have such wonderful upside that they are worth my energy. I mean just look, the upside was a core memory with my teenager. If I was still stuck in angry and bitter, that wouldn’t have happened.

Here’s to learning the tough stuff. And vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Sending warmth and strength today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Part 2: How a Spare Fuse Taught Me to Repair a Yelling Moment

Posted on December 18, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Did you know there is a spare fuse in the plug of Christmas tree lights?!?! I, did not lol. Don’t get me started. But there is! I found them and I replaced three blown fuses and voila! Light returned! Brightness returned! The strands were repaired, reconnected to each other and I moved onward with getting the Christmas tree lit. It was a beautiful reminder to me that when I “blow a fuse” (i.e. yell) I have a chance to repair.

The holiday season is stressful – for adults and kids alike. This isn’t a secret. It’s just full of MORE. More to do, more triggers, more overwhelm, more energy, more anxiety, more meltdowns, more stress. More yelling most likely 😉 Yelling happens from time to time. Yes, myself included. Yes, I wrote a book about how I stopped yelling and yes, I still yell on occasion. And no, no I am not ashamed to admit that. And no, no it doesn’t make me a bad mom, a bad parent, or a bad anything.

It means I’m human. It means I was having a tough moment and I responded in a way that likely showed how I was feeling on the inside about myself or my life. AND also, it doesn’t mean I can’t come back from that moment. Just because I blew a fuse, just because I yelled, doesn’t mean I can’t turn the moment around. My Christmas lights – all three strands that I blew the other day – reminded me of this.

So if you find yourself having just yelled from all the go-go-go of the holiday season, look around and find a light to look at and remember, The moment can be repaired. You too can bring light and connection back to the moment. Apologize for hurting the feelings of the one you love. Validate how it must have made them feel to hear you yell. Explain what you could have done differently to not yell, what you could have done to help yourself calm down.

Then perhaps go take that moment to yourself to get a little more grounded. Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

P.S. Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 of this story, it gets even better. Which I didn’t think was possible 😉

The Secret Ingredient That Helps Me Reconnect With My Teen After a Fight

Posted on May 5, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I got into a “fight” with my teen yesterday and it reminded me of the “secret ingredient” I have to being in a good relationship with my teens. It’s an ingredient that……

helps us re-connect after a disconnect…
diffuses either of our moods so that we can enjoy each other’s company instead of suck the joy out of the room…
makes the tough moments less memorable because it makes other moments more special…

I never would have thought of it. The ingredient? Being playful. The fight? You really want to know what we fought over? Oh, I started a water fight in the kitchen 😉

It was the end of the night. He was chill. I was chill. We were just chatting. He had milk on his face, as he always does, and probably always will. He is legit a walking “Got Milk?” ad. A handsome one at that! I nicely pointed it out, and he replied with “well, since you are at the sink, can you give me a wet paper towel?”

Well…duh. Major opportunity! I wet a paper towel. Like drenched it. I was inspired by the weather here so I didn’t squeeze it out…and tossed it at him so when he caught it, it sprayed all over him. He then flicked his wet hands at me to get me wet forgetting that I was still at the sink. Rookie move dude. I turned the faucet on to spray him, obviously. He started to run. It. Was. Awesome. We were laughing. And smiling. And connecting. And bonding. And not fighting or bickering or yelling or arguing or any of that crapola. All my stress from the day disappeared. I imagine for him too.

It was one of the highlights of my week. If you told me eighteen months ago that this teen and I would be laughing together instead of me hiding in my bathroom crying, I wouldn’t have believed you, but here I am. We got here because of the other secret ingredient – I trusted him and let him try to fly.

I believed in him and gave him more room to grow. And as I treated him as he wanted to be treated, as I treated him like the person I believed he could be, and he grew, and I started relaxing and being more playful, our relationship grew. It has been amazing.

Is it perfect all the time? Nope. We still have our moments but the difference is so much better.

It’s funny. When I first started out trying to stop yelling, I did everything and anything to keep a yell from coming out of my mouth. Talked like a robot. Talked like I had marshmallows in my mouth. Talked like Bugs Bunny (What’s up son?) Whispered.

Said silly things like, “ooogaschmoogabooga!”

These “tricks” worked for a lot of reasons (for my goal of not yelling in the moment, we all know I needed to look deeper to stop yelling for the long run.) In the obvious way, they:

Gave my voice, my mouth, something else to do.
Made the kids focus more to listen.
Made the kids laugh which made us all feel better.
Helped us all to chillax in tense moments.

In the less obvious way, but just as important, these tricks:
Calmed my nervous system down by making me talk slower, and reduced stress in my body by balancing out all the hormones that go all over the place when in fight or flight.

So, lots of good benefits, right? I mean, and lets not forget the biggest two: they all helped me to stop yelling and get to a better place which therefore allowed us all to either connect or re-connect. Wins, wins all around.

The theme of all the tips? Being playful. I don’t worry about yelling at my teens as much as I did when they were seven and under. I am in a much better place, as are they. The dynamic has shifted.

So I don’t use these tricks as much to make sure I don’t yell but…these “tricks” are still applicable.
They still diffuse tension.
They still make us laugh.
They still help to reduce stress.
They still help us all to chillax.
They still help my nervous system after a long day.
They still help us to connect.

Being playful, being silly, it brings the intensity down so many notches, which is really needed with teens (and okay, me.)

Teens are struggling with holding on to being a kid and joining the world of being way more responsible. It is an intense place to be, I remember. (And also, okay, as a mom of a teen, it is also intense knowing that letting go even more is coming.) My kids enjoy my playfulness 98% of the time, sometimes I time it way wrong. It is a welcome break from all the intensity of school, social drama, worrying about the future (which even if not spoken about at home, is spoken about by friends and society), and changes they go through at this stage. Life is simply intense for them – good and not so much.

When I respond to my teens in a playful way, they are pleasantly surprised and I think relieved. It is kind of like how my making mistakes shows them being perfect isn’t the goal and is totally human and okay. Phew! Being playful is the same – it reminds them that as they become teens and “grow up” they can still be totally playful. Playful in the silly way, not “less than intelligent teen” way.

I know they know this (based on the evidence in my house, ahem, behavior I still see) but I also see glimpses of them trying to hold back. I can’t tell you their absolute favorite thing I do because it would embarrass them and that is a no go.

But I will say that it absolutely proves that they like the break from being a teen, that they like the flashback to being a little kid, when life was a little easier. It’s funny, I mean it isn’t funny, and that is just an odd saying, but whatev (feel like talking like teens did when I was one,) I started out being silly to try and get their attention. It was absolutely intentional. I wanted to do something so different that they had to see me, hear me, stop what they were doing, look up from their screens and look at me and wonder, “what the heck is mom doing?” It worked.

I got their attention. But I got more than the focused attention I wanted. I got loving attention. They looked at me with affection, with twinkles in their eyes. Smirks on their lips.

And then feigned annoyance in their voices which really meant, “Aw mom, I love you and you are so ridiculous.” We shared a moment. And getting those moments is so hard these days with moods and schedules and more moods and more schedules. Being ridiculous was so worth it. Beyond worth it.

So yeah, I started out being playful to get their attention, but now I do it because it turns out being playful isn’t just an effective tool to stop yelling, but it is a really fun way to start connecting. And on that note, it is time to make the Donuts (well get them) because that’s what we do if they are awake on time and my goodness, somehow everyone is ready on time today. Sending playful energy your way today, xoxo, The Orange Rhino © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Parenting Teens: How Kids Can Make You Want to Scream With Frustration and Joy

Posted on April 17, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Let’s be totally honest – kids make you want to scream with frustration and also, with joy, with excitement, with pride, with love. I had one of the latter moments yesterday. And fear you not, several of the others as well, both before and after the good moment.

It’s just been a trying time here in this Orange Rhino household of teens lately, which is why this one yelling moment out of joy was that much more special.

My boys were at their dad’s this weekend. They often don’t call when they are there. At first it really hurt and I took it personally, not gonna lie. Then, after several weekends of them saying the same thing the minute they walked in the door, “Hi mom! Love you! Sorry I didn’t call this weekend but…” I started to understand where they were coming from with not calling and didn’t take it as personal.

And I knew we were both having a hard time with the adjustment. The upside to this? When I do get a call?! Especially when one kiddo who never, ever calls?! It is that much more golden.

Okay, well, it is 50/50 golden when he calls. Scratch that. 33/33/33 (and can someone please come up with a clever way to make that sound easy like 50/50. Is it 33% equally? 33% all around? I don’t know. Anywho.)

33% chance he needs me to do something for him which while annoying and totally teenager, I still welcome the chance to hear his voice, the opportunity to talk to him about life and the fun of talking to a third person about calling just because he needs something. We are still learning phone manners here. Holy schnikes!

This is of course his favorite thing I do. Insert eye rolls. After he finishes his request for some game thing or another, I’ll playfully go “Oh, hi mom. I just called to say I love you. I need something and that something is to talk to! I miss you!”

He’ll giggle, yes giggle, and say, “I know, sorry. Hi mom, how are you, how is your weekend?”

33% something is wrong. There was the time he Face-timed me. Then I was actually worried and rightfully so because one look and I knew something was wrong – this was the beginning of the great Hand Mouth Throat takeover of 2022.

It was swell. And the 33% Sheer Joy. The truth is just calling to say I love you or I am thinking of you. Which brings us to yesterday’s call.

“So mom, I was just thinking. I was watching You Tube…” I tried to stay focused but all I could think was oh lordy, what crazy, ridiculous story am I going to hear and have to pretend to be excited about or have to “not lecture” about but somehow teach about the inappropriateness of the content?!

Focus, girl, focus. He called for you. Embrace the moment! Believe there is good to come!

“…and somehow I ended up watching a video about…” bracing myself… “extinct animals.” SAFE, I think?! “Oh, cool!” I said enthusiastically.

“And then, they started talking about Rhinos actually. And how people are killing them for their horns and how they could be extinct soon. And it made me think of you.”

Needed to brace myself again. This had complete and utter potential to go two ways:

(1) It made me think of you dying or

(2) it made me think of you and The Orange Rhino.

This was a legit 50/50. No 33% equally here! We journey on into the conversation. “It did? How so?” I asked curiously, and genuinely. I was so touched that he made a connection to me when seeing Rhinos.

“Well, you know how you are The Orange Rhino?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking. I mean, you don’t let me have Facebook or social media so I don’t know how it works, but like, maybe people don’t know what The Orange Rhino is?”

Yes, SAFE!

“Maybe they are confused and are thinking it is about saving Rhinos? And maybe they think there are actually Orange Rhinos? And also, you know how I want to make money? Maybe I could work for you somehow? I don’t know. Just thought of you. Wanted to share. That’s it.”

“WOW, sweetheart. That is totally awesome. I am really touched, truly. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” I said and as I write, I sit here tearing up, a voice inside me yelling with joy, “YES! He is a love! He does think of me!”

“So seriously, can I work for you somehow and make money?” And now I giggled, because, well, kids.

“I don’t know honey, but maybe. We will see. I do love your insights though and they are spot on. I am actually working right now to make it more clear what an Orange Rhino is. Way to go. Hope you are having a great weekend.”

“I am. Okay. Love you. Bye.”

And that was that. But so much more than that.

One of the reasons I started writing again was for my boys to see me “working” and doing something I love. To see me having goals and going after them. To see me having dreams and chasing them. My son saw me enough to think of me when not with me and so much so to call me. Major win yesterday, a major win. YELLING with excitement!

And also, he is right. Perhaps there is confusion to all who are new or even anyone who sees the phrase “The Orange Rhino.” What is it? I know it was a little more clear when I had the word Challenge there. Oh, it’s a challenge. And then clearly, one look at my website, oh, a challenge to stop yelling.

But why a rhino? Well, one day in the beginning when I was searching for a symbol so I could remain anonymous, my son was yelling at me while picking his nose. I said calmly, “If I can’t yell what does that mean for you?”

He replied, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” This inspired me to google Rhino for some reason (my brain works in wondrous ways) and voila…

“Grey Rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked (threatened.)”

Well, I’ll be! I was a Grey Rhino. I charged when provoked vis-a-vis yelling and saw myself as naturally calm. Anywho, I wanted to respond with warmth and love and no longer with yelling. I needed the energy and determination to do so time and time again. I needed the color Orange in my life! And so, The Orange Rhino was born! The Orange Rhino did appear to face extinction for a while, but really, was just evolving.

And wow, as I write that, powerful statement, no? How often do we think we are on a dead end path but really we are gathering information, experiences and insights to help us on a new path? We just don’t realize it at the time of course…. I thought The Orange Rhino was headed towards extinction, but really was just evolving. The Orange Rhino still represents Yelling Less, but now, also more. The Orange Rhino represents Yelling Less all Around – at our kids, at ourselves, from ourselves and from our lives.

Because yelling doesn’t just happen because of our kids, and it doesn’t just happen towards our kids.

Yelling happens because of ourselves and our thoughts, the negative ones we listen to too much, the positive ones we don’t listen to enough.

Yelling happens because of our lives, our connections, our experiences, our actions, our inactions.

The Orange Rhino is evolving, but at the core is still the same thing: warmth and love. Warmth and love for my kids, Warmth and Love for myself, and making sure I am in a life that is giving Warmth and Love back to me. My son gave me loads of warmth and love yesterday with a simple phone call. I won’t get all moments right with him, nor him with me. Neither of us are perfect.

But we enjoy the moments we do get right. I am an Orange Rhino, and he is one in the making – and we are both still human. Sending loads and warmth and love this Monday morning, xoxo, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How I Try Not to Take My Teen’s Behavior Personally — So I Don’t Yell

Posted on January 19, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

One of my teens was in a wee bit of a bad mood yesterday. Our interactions weren’t all that pleasant. Unfortunately, we were in the mini-van so I couldn’t even take a break and walk away. Yes, yes I could have just kept my mouth shut and not engaged in conversation but it can be realllly hard to do so when the person frustrating you is right there next to you and you really just want to say one more thing!

And it can be even harder to remain quiet when the person frustrating you can’t help themselves and says one more thing to you even after you have stated that you are going to remain quiet. Sooo hard to not engage and take the bait. And so it went for a 20 minute car ride yesterday. Teen trusted me enough to tell me something he knew would upset me. I responded. That wasn’t appreciated.

Then I reminded myself “listen, don’t lecture.” But it was kinda late (in my teen’s opinion.) Teen then gave me a bit of an attitude about my not listening at first and said, “see, I knew you would respond that way.”

The following entirely one-way conversation frustrated the heck out of me. I am human and try my hardest to do my best, but don’t always respond the way one would hope. His words felt a little personal.

I then responded with, “I think it is best if I remain quiet for the rest of the ride. Let’s take a break.”

Well that just got him going even more. More words came out and things felt even more personal to me. I finally said, “You know, lately it feels like you are just always annoyed with me. It’s a real bummer.”

Right statement, right time? Don’t know. His response though? Phenomenally useful. He replied in as irritable as irritable-can-be voice, which by the way he claimed wasn’t an irritable voice (okay, whatever), “MOM, it isn’t personal. Did you ever think that I am not annoyed with you but that I am annoyed with how my day went? That I am irritable because of all the crap that happened?”

And there it was. My #1 take-away about my not yelling at my kids right back at me in a way I never thought of when it comes to my not yelling at my teens.

“It’s not you, it’s me” was the #1 Orange Rhino Revelation that truly helped me to really stop yelling. Realizing that my kids weren’t the problem, that I needed to look within, that I needed to look at what was going on with me, allowed me to figure out why I was really yelling and therefore how I could really stop.

So here I was, feeling like my teen was yelling at me (he claims he wasn’t, we will agree to disagree) and I was starting to take it personal which was making me want to yell right back.

But really, it wasn’t personal. “It’s not you MOM, it’s ME, your teen. I’m irritable because of me and my bad day, not because of you.”

And well holy crap if that didn’t just open my eyes. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I wrote in my books, kids are people too. By the way, teens are still kids and teens are also people too. Teens have bad days and bad moments and their behaviors can be all about them and their emotions and not about us, their parents.

Why is this relevant? I don’t know about you, but when I take stuff personal, I get in a mood. When I take my kid’s behavior personally in particular, it often leads me to, “Where did I go wrong as a parent? What am I doing wrong as a parent for them to be behaving this way?”

This thinking always puts me in a bad place and therefore if I am “triggered” by anything when I am stuck thinking about “where I went wrong” I am set up to react with a yell.

So…taking my teens’ or even young kids’ behavior personal, does me no good.

A while ago I asked my therapist if one of my kids’ behaviors was “normal” per say. She told me it was, didn’t mean it was respectful, but yes it was typical and just needed teaching.

So I said, “so basically… Normalize it, don’t Personalize it.”

This comes to mind now. Normalize it – people have bad days. Teens have bad days. Teens get irritable. Doesn’t mean it is right, just means it can happen and is typical and not unique to me and my situation so don’t Personalize it. Normalize might not be the perfect word, but the phrase really helps me when I am starting to take my teen’s behavior personally.

Not taking the behavior personally helps me to chill a bit, which allows me to remain calm and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting with a yell.

Before yesterday I only applied “Normalize it, Don’t Personalize it” to the really out there behaviors that push the boundaries.

But now, now I am remembering that teens can be irritable for soooo many reasons, many of which don’t have anything to do with me.

#1 New Release on Amazon for Anger Management/Self Help: Audiobook of “How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids-and How You Can Too!” A 30-day Guide with 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple, Daily Steps to Follow and Honest Stories to Inspire Thank you for all your support and for making that happen!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I Yelled at My Teen — and It Wasn’t Really About Him

Posted on January 10, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.

And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.

My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.

And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.

So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.

The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…

I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.

I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.

I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.

So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.

But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…

You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.

I am excited for new people to hear my story.

Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.

Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.

Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.

Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.

Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.

You know what else it shows?

That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.

And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.

We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…

Warmly, The Orange Rhino

P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.

They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager — According to My Teenager

Posted on January 6, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

“Mom, why do you look like you are about to scream and lose your…?” my teen lovingly and genuinely asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked back.

“Not really, no, but…ok, fine. Go ahead. What’s up.”

“Well…I was just googling some stuff for The Orange Rhino. And stumbled upon an article from that person that copied a lot of what I did…and then publicly bashed me. And I am just fuming. Absolutely fuming. I am frustrated that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that all these years later and I still let this get to me. Harumph.”

He sighed with me. He’s a great kid – love him to pieces. Are you ready for this wisdom?

This is my silver lining kiddo. “Mom, the past is the past. She copied The Orange Rhino ideas because she liked them. Compliment to you. And besides the past doesn’t matter now because you are focusing on not yelling at teens and that’s new stuff!” (Yes, yes it is my dear. A whole lot of new stuff and a whole new level of patience!)

“Okay, but I haven’t totally figured it out yet. The whole not yelling at you teens.” I stated.

“No, no you haven’t! But you are improving. You are way better than last year. Look, I am sitting in the front seat actually talking to you now. See, progress! AND I am not wearing my headphones, I actually listened to you when you said it was rude to do so during a conversation.” He shared proudly, loving having an “adult” like conversation with me.

“Okay then Mr. Teenager. What is the secret to not yelling at teens? What did I do right? Enlighten me so I can share?”

“Oh, it is simple. Really simple. Leave us alone. Give us more space. Let us try things. Don’t lecture so much. Don’t nag. It’s okay if we screw up. Only start lecturing and reeling us back in when we are doing really stupid things. Like really stupid.” He stated matter of factly. Like it was that simple.

“Okay, makes sense. Gotcha. But what happens when you are, I don’t know, doing a lot of really stupid things, a lot of the time? Then what? Then I will need to step in more and that is certain to piss you off. Which will probably make things tough between us and I will probably feel like yelling again out of frustration. So, how do I handle that situation?” I asked, kinda afraid (in a good way) of the answer because of his silver linings and insights.

“Well, yes, yep that will definitely annoy the heck out of me. I will probably be rude. Nope. Definitely will be rude. But that’s on me I guess. Just don’t yell. It won’t help. And I will just put my headphones on and not listen anyways. So I guess, the answer to all of this mom? The best way to not yell at teens? Just don’t do it. It’s useless.”

Again, stated as if it is that simple. But maybe it was that simple?

There is a whole lot of truth in his statements. I trusted him more. Gave him more space. More responsibility. I removed some rules and put in some boundaries and said when the boundaries are broken, the rules and my being more present return. Do we both still yell? Yes – we both still get moody and we are both still human!

But the interactions are way less intense, shorter and he genuinely apologizes after. It is progress as he says, and progress is the goal. I mean look where progress got us – to a conversation in the front seats of my uber cool minivan!

And, he is right. Yelling doesn’t work – kids literally don’t hear us when we yell. It achieves nothing. They tune us out and teens – they especially tune it out. And not only do they tune us out, they then get more pissed at us and put up a wall to tune us out even more the next time we yell or even talk.

There isn’t much upside to yelling. It kind of is that simple. Is it that easy to just not yell? No. But remembering that it doesn’t work is a simple, helpful tool.

There are a few other things I did that he doesn’t see…

When he really gets going and rudely starts up, I walk away and dis-engage after I state calmly and without emotion, “I want to talk to you and hear what you have to say, but I will not be spoken to that way.” (His feelings do matter, I don’t want to shut them out. I am not walking away from him or his feelings, just the disrespectful behavior. Which we always address later when we are both calm.)

When he is frustrated with me for whatever I did, even if that is just breathing, I state, “I am here if you want” and again, walk away and don’t wait for a reaction.

I do random acts of kindness for him to remind him I love him and positively build our connection during good times (like make him hot chocolate for when he is studying).

I joke around with him and get him to laugh with me and even at me. These moments are some of the best and have really strengthened our relationship.

When he rolls his eyes at my intentionally bad jokes or bad dancing or bad singing, they are his silent way of admitting he loves me 😉 Eye rolls aren’t always bad! I stopped focusing on the bad behaviors he was demonstrating and focused more on the good kiddo I know he is.

And, I remind myself that this is a hard time for both of us and that in a couple of years he is off to college and I want these years to be more positive than negative – and that means (amongst a lot of things) working hard to not yell, even when frustrated.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino