The Relationship Between Self-Confidence and Yelling Less

Posted on September 22, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I knew almost immediately that I was pregnant with my third son. Intuition, gut instinct, whatever you wanna call it. 14 years ago it was strong! And 14 years ago, not only was it strong, but when I felt it, I had the strength to listen to it, without hesitation.

I’m not sure when I started losing both – my gut instinct and the confidence to listen to myself. But somewhere in the last fourteen years, I did. And in losing both, a lot of internal conflict has ensued and therefore stress endured. And really, in losing both what I mean is, losing the ability to believe in myself and trusting myself. It’s been a challenge I’ve been working to charge through.

Without my gut instinct fully functioning these last few years, it has been hard to make decisions. I constantly seek out advice from others – exhausting for me and my circle. I make more bad decisions than I used to. I feel less confident, less safe even because I don’t feel protected by my red-flag meter.

And then when I do have an inkling of a gut instinct / knowing what I truly deeply want, but won’t listen to myself, I still struggle making decisions. I go back and forth constantly doubting myself and make no progress. Well I make progress – driving myself bonkers that is!

All this said, there is one area where my gut instinct has started to come back online. Where I know exactly what I feel. My awareness that my “gut instinct” needs some love and attention. So that is what I have been doing. Learning to believe in myself again. I’m making progress ever so slowly and can’t wait to share how with all of you. It hasn’t been an easy task, but it’s one I’m willing to work on because it’s something I want to show by example to all my kids so on their birthdays they can look back at their year and say,

“Yep, I had a good year. I believed in myself and led a life I loved that was true to me.”

Happy Birthday kiddo #3. You remind me daily to be true to me. You also make me laugh when I desperately need it and for that, I am forever grateful.

Sending you all warmth today and a reminder to be you!
The Orange Rhino

–> Part of yelling less is being in a good spot when an annoying moment happens. Part of being in a good spot is having less internal conflict. This post might not seem to be about yelling less, but it truly, deeply is. I am writing slightly differently, but trust me, if you are following to learn to yell less, all messages will take you there.

Join us in The Orange Rhino Community for support finding your inner voice and yelling less in the process!

When You’re Tired of Being Called Strong: What Barely Hanging On Feels Like

Posted on September 6, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

On Being “Strong” The truth is, right now, I am just barely hanging on. I’m not processing much – just getting through each day. I could take this post in so many different directions. I’m barely hanging on because…it’s been a long summer….it’s back to school and I’m excited for routine AND ALSO need to create the new schedules and figure out who goes where and when and HOW the heck I am going to make it happen….the house needs fixing and while making calls, something else broke….I have big dreams and goals and trying to achieve them and run a home is overwhelming at times.

And also, extra barely hanging on because while I was so excited for back to school because it meant a few extra hours for myself this week to manage all of the above…last Thursday around 12:43, my dreams of time to chill and get life in order came to a screeching halt.

I got a call from the doctor’s office that my skin biopsy was indeed my third basal cell skin cancer and that I needed surgery…again…and ASAP…and oh by the way, “So we have an opening next week, Thursday, September 7th, how about that day?”

My response, “Oh well yes, actually. That is my first week with kids back to school and I would love nothing more than to spend it having nose surgery.” Yes, I actually said this while laughing. And yes the nurse on the other line laughed back.

And then we had a moment of solidarity as I said, “Well if this isn’t Life and Motherhood defined.” I commented. “Get time to myself and this is how I will spend it.”

“Yes, yes it is.” she said.

The procedure itself, no big deal. Been there done that. But It’s the closing up I am worried about and I have spent most of last week and this week so far frantically finding the right doctor – with availability – to do the plastic surgery closing so that my nose looks normal afterwards. It has been a whirlwind. I am tired. No time to process this crap situation. Just go, go, go. Strong, strong, strong.

Sometimes it is nice to be strong and resilient. It is powering me through this week. I have no other choice right now – I need to be strong so I can plan this surgery AND get my kids back to school (and to not freak them out.) But I can’t wait to crash and cry to be honest. I am scared of how I will look.

When I had eyelid cancer I lost half of my lower eyelid. The doctor doesn’t know how much of the tip of my nose I will lose. It’s funny. My entire teen years I begged my parents to save for a nose job instead of college. I hated my nose.

Now? Now, I am afraid to lose my nose. I have grown to like my nose. Oh how times change. Oh how suddenly we realize what we have is good enough all along… Sending warmth and strength to you all today… STRENGTH if you need it…and also STRENGTH to say to friends and family, “I need a break from being ‘strong,’ I need you all to be strong for me.” It’s okay to not be strong in the typical sense, sometimes. We don’t need to be strong all the time 😉 A lot more on this later, when my mind is more clear.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What My Own Past Taught Me About Building Confidence

Posted on August 30, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Anyone else like me and lacking a wee bit of self-confidence at times? Got a surprise for you that helped me a lot… Earlier this year I was feeling overwhelmed at home. Who am I kidding! I felt overwhelmed overall, on and off all school year! I felt like a disorganized, ready to explode, lost, mess of a person a lot of the time. I was desperate to figure out how to “succeed” or “do better” at managing my life and hated that I didn’t know how.

“I can’t do this,” this being run by a household of busy teenagers, came to my mind too many times. I, we, survived the school year but I would have loved to do so a little more gracefully and I would’ve loved to figure out how to make life feel a little better, a little more manageable.

I kept looking outwards for answers. I read and researched online for hours. I tried other people’s systems that worked for them. I listened to podcasts galore. Nothing was clicking.

One day at the end of the school year, when I was about to lose my holy loving everything, I went for a walk to chill. I found myself laughing out loud as I thought, “Why is this so much harder than when I had four kids under five?! That was so much easier! Much less chaos. I had that under control. That was overwhelming but less so which for the life of me I can’t believe. I had less sleep. Less time to myself. More crying. More puke. What the heck?!”

I continued walking, mulling that memory over and it hit me. “It felt easier then and I felt like I was succeeding because we had a very specific routine that was easy to remember and easy to follow.” It was so true. I knew when naps and meals were and everything revolved around that. The structure gave me guideposts for the day and chunked out the day into smaller, more manageable pieces.

Obviously lack of activities and individual child requests made it easier but still – this insight was golden. I took this insight and looked at other times in my life where I felt like I was “succeeding” or “thriving” (or whatever word works for you) to see if the same insight applied. Sure enough, structure and routine were all very, very present. I knew it was important (we all do), I just didn’t understand HOW crucial it was for me in particular.

I didn’t need to download any more worksheets or gather input from others as to how to “succeed.” I already knew how to because I had done so in my life already. All I had to do was look into MY past and see when I DID SUCCEED and learn from that. All I had to do was look into my past and see the times when I was thriving and take notes about what was working, what felt right, what didn’t, and bring that learning to the present.

So as I sit here this morning, preparing for school to start next week, working on our new routines, it is obvious that there is no way I can be as structured as my past. WAY too many moving parts. While I can’t be as structured as I wish, I CAN find a way to apply the fact that having structure of some sort is a key to success for me AND be creative in defining what structure/routine looks like.

And I can also accept that structure and routine today will be different than they used to be and that’s okay – I will still be able to find less overwhelm with a little more routine in place than last year. I will also remember to keep it a priority and make sure that we don’t lose our routines even when the going gets tough. Which it will. Effective Tuesday. Sigh. Oh, and one more thing.

Here’s something we can all take away. Part of the structure that helped me years ago? I was guaranteed all kids took a nap at the same time at least five or six days a week if I was lucky which meant I had guaranteed down time SCHEDULED for ME and I always took it. I didn’t do that this year. Just sayin’.

So here’s to YOU and all that you know about yourself and all the times you have already succeeded! You are the best expert in you and I want you to remember that. It is so easy to forget how much knowledge (and strength!) we already have within. Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Skin Cancer Scars: They Don’t Have to Be Beautiful to Be Survivable

Posted on August 29, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Scars hurt. They aren’t always beautiful. But we handle them and heal from them. “It will just be a scar. I can handle a scar.” I confidently said to my dermatologist. This wasn’t my first time having a biopsy on my face and probably won’t be my last. I’ve had basal cell skin cancer on my forehead and my lower eyelid.

And now likely dead center on my nose. I joked that I love Christmas so looking like Rudolph for a few weeks if I have a procedure to remove the skin cancer cells won’t be the end of the world. In all seriousness, as skin cancer is very serious, as my doctor and I discussed the options, I meant what I said when I told him I could handle the procedure and the scars. Yes – scars. The location of this problem area probably means they will need to take skin from my forehead to patch my nose.

So I will have two scars. There were other options but none guaranteed cancer free and given my history, I wanted, no needed, guarantee.

So I wanted the biopsy – even if it came back negative. The scar was worth the risk. Even if it meant pain (which it did.) Even if it looks not so beautiful (which it doesn’t, and which it won’t.) It is just a scar. A scar and the pain that caused it, will pass. I will not remember the pain I felt or the ugliness I saw in the mirror. Pain is temporary. It still might come and go as the scar fades, but eventually it will barely be noticeable. A scar will fade.

At first, when the scar is ever present and I can’t bear the sight, worst case, I can apply make up. I can find a way to make do for the moment.

But as time passes, it will fade and barely be noticeable. I will look in the mirror and have to search to see the marks. And one day, I will forget to search at all. A scar is part of my history. Yes, these scars remind me that I should have listened to my mother about wearing hats as a kid. They also remind me of all my fun times I had at the lake in New Hampshire growing up AND all the fun times I have had at the beach with my kids as a grown up.

And there is more. A scar inspires me. It reminds me that I can handle pain and come out the other side. It reminds me that I can look in the mirror, feel uncomfortable and build self-confidence around the notion that beauty is on the inside. It reminds me that the past is the past, we live, we learn, we do better, we move forward.

A scar reminds me to find the “orange” in the situation…the fun memories that did happen in the sun, the new opportunities to finally learn how to apply makeup, the fun chances to shop for awesome hats and sunglasses (OR to create a line of them….) Scars, physical or emotional, are a part of life. They hurt. They can be ugly. But we get through them. We heal.

Sending warmth and strength to you all today and a loving reminder to wear hats and sunglasses.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Life Charges at Us: Why I Need to Recharge Before I Can Take Charge

Posted on August 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Life Charges at us sometimes. In so many, many different ways. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is just a fact of life. Unexpected life changes. Children having wicked tough days. Family emergencies. Personal emergencies. BACK TO SCHOOL go-go-go preparations! It can be a lot. And that was a short list!

Time to Re-Charge so we can Take Charge (of what we can.) Just a little Monday morning thought given “The Orange Rhino” and all and one I have been playing with and reminding myself of when I feel life charging at me. Re-charge Sheila so you can Take Charge!

Did you know Rhinos charge because they feel threatened, provoked, triggered? Parents charge vis-a-vis yelling for the same reasons. Hence how I identified with a rhino years upon years ago lol.

I added the orange for much needed warmth, confidence, and positive energy and because I didn’t want to charge/yell.

I added four pink birds, one for each of my sons, to represent love, community support and because well, I love the color pink;) But the more and more I think about it, The Orange Rhino truly is about more than yelling and parenting.

When I used to yell, while on the surface it seemed I was triggered in the moment by my kids, I was really triggered/threatened/provoked by LIFE, which yes, includes people in my life. Which yes, also includes ME which was my major conclusion years ago. In my book, I wrote that “It’s not you, it’s me” meaning the kids weren’t the trigger, it was me.

Still stand by that, in the sense that if I wanted to stop yelling, I had to look within instead of out. Now, I expand. I need to look within, and then look out again. I have spent the last year, and a few years prior looking out at my LIFE. What in my life feels threatening? Real or imagined? What in my life triggers me? From my past? My future? What in my life provokes me? To think? To act? To want to fight – sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much?

I can learn from all the moments that make me want to charge…and all the moments when I feel life charging at me. And I can make sure to re-charge myself as much as possible –> so that I am ready for said “want to charge moments” –> so that I remain warm and loving and respectful. Oooh, here’s another one. So that I remain positively charged;) and have a productive interaction –> so that I can then use what I learned and “take charge” of my knowledge and move forward. Clearly so many fun ways to use the word charge that aren’t negative!

Speaking of charging, my darling sons are waking up and as lovely and “grown up” as they are, without food in them, there will be some legit charging at each other. Puberty and hormones and four teen boys is just, um, A LOT.

Sending warmth and strength to you all today, as you start your week! Remember to re-charge every now and then so you can take charge and have the day you want. If it looks to be a cruddy day, take charge of the moment to find some joy – a funny video, a good chat with a friend. Add some good to the crud! And if you aren’t feeling positively charged at all, that’s okay. Some days are like that. Happy Monday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

#TheOrangeRhino #yelllesslovemore #theorangerhinochallenge #rechargetotakecharge

What My Childhood Toys Taught Me About the Mom I Thought I’d Be

Posted on July 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I had Barbie dolls. But she wasn’t my favorite. Nope. Sorry Barbie. I loved the oh-so-perfect, obviously never yelled, The Heart Family: the mom, the dad, and twin brother and sister. Barbie was cool and all, but she wasn’t a mom and at age seven, being a mom was way cooler to me than any Barbie, no matter how many amazing outfits or accessories she had. Besides, The Heart Family had the nursery set up (with adorable spare diapers, of course, even Barbie babies have blowouts), the Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible with car seats (of course!) and the family camper for fun family vacations.

I had all of these and they were better than any surf board or roller skate set. Any piece that would make this Family complete and happy as can be that I didn’t have, I asked for incessantly. Oh I loved playing in this dreamland of being a happy, peaceful mom. And beyond The Heart Family, I had dolls galore who I rocked and nurtured and loved like no other.

I just couldn’t wait to be a mom!

To give love.

To create love.

To be gentle.

To be kind.

To be there when someone cried.

To be there when they were in pain and needed soothing (by burping of course, no boo boo’s for these babies who weren’t crawling yet.)

I had so many visions of what life as a mom would look like. Obviously my clothes would be better than The Heart Family. I mean, still pinks and blues, but less poof and lace!

What I never, ever, ever envisioned? Yelling at my babies, my kids.

I soothed my dolls. I had The Heart Family mom talk sweetly to her babies as she smiled effortlessly, just like the pictures.

So that is how I would be when I was older. Duh. So where did my yelling come from? That wasn’t what I practiced as a little girl? That wasn’t how I planned things? That wasn’t who I was. I didn’t yell at people. Sure, as a little girl and even as I grew up, I had sensory meltdowns and yelled OUT but never AT people. I love people. I live to be kind to people, to spread kindness.

Yet here I was. Four sweet kids under five. Yelling at them.

For all the play and practicing I did interacting with people, as a little girl all the way to becoming a mom…how did I not learn this one very important skill? How did I never know to learn this skill? How did no one ever mention to even learn this skill? How did I not see anyone directly practice this skill? The skill? Actually skills?

What the heck to do when feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, how the heck to prevent the feelings in the first place, all so you don’t yell. Why didn’t I know this skill? Because no one talked about not yelling as a skill to learn…because it was either accepted or so deeply not accepted that you didn’t talk about it. Add that to the fact that I historically didn’t yell, and why would I even think about honing this skill?! Am I excusing my yelling? Of course not.

What I am doing is forgiving myself.

What I am doing is letting go of some of the guilt, the shame, that I harbored for so long.

What I am doing is loving myself the way I loved my baby dolls when I was seven.

What I am doing is saying, “Hey, I yelled more than I liked. I was as prepared for motherhood as I could be. Yelling was a surprise to me. I didn’t have the skills at the time. That wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person. It just means, I didn’t have the skills. So I got them. And I learned to manage my triggers and yell less.”

I haven’t seen the Barbie movie yet. I absolutely can’t wait! I have no idea how it turns out, but I know this. She goes to reality.

And I bet in the real world, if she does run into The Heart Family, her supposed friends, they will find themselves in a stressed moment and even though they are “perfect,” they will yell. They will yell not on purpose. Not because they are bad parents. Not because they are bad people. But because life is real, with aspects out of our control.And because life is real stressful, with experiences that hit us deeply.

Even when we are totally, utterly prepared and practiced…yelling happens. People are not invincible in the real world. We have feelings and histories. We get triggered and fall flat on our feet. And we yell. And so, we forgive ourselves. And we learn. And we teach our kids so that as they grow up, they have some of the skills we perhaps didn’t.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Gaining Teenagers, Losing Family Traditions

Posted on July 4, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Today is oddly tough for me. It marks the beginning of the end of many traditions. I shouldn’t say end. I should say it marks the beginning of many changes. But sometimes changes feel like the end, don’t they?

Stone Harbor, NJ.

We first went there July 2009, a week after July 4th. Only two kiddos at this point. The place we rented was so god-awful and so bad that we literally almost left after two days. But, on day three of dealing with the smell of the apartment and kids being off-schedule, the tides turned and the beauty of the beach and the town had won us over. It was worth staying.

Fast forward one year, my kiddos were now 10 months, 2, and 3.5 ish. We decided to try again. We found a better place to rent but the only week available was late June, ending on July 5th. It felt a little early for a beach vacation in NJ; high risk of cold weather and definitely a cold ocean. But if we didn’t want a stenchy smelling apartment, this was the option. So we went with the date, hoping for the best. And well…

We, and then I, went back every week that included July 4th for the next twelve years. Thirteen years straight I have spent at the beach on July 4th watching massive fire work displays over the ocean. One year I think got rained out? That is it.

Today I am in NJ. But not at the beach.
And I am full on sad.
And I had a little meltdown about it yesterday, akin to the kind my kids had when I started going to the beach with them years ago and it was time to leave. Or the kind of meltdown they had when a seagull swooped in and took a potato chip or sandwich from their little pudgy fingers. Or the kind of meltdown they had when their beloved sand castle suddenly got washed away by a wave that came out of nowhere. My meltdown, their meltdowns, all understandable and all about the same things. Loss. Sadness. Disappointment. And all meltdowns stemming from the same place – have experienced joy.

Today, today we are home because two of my boys now have summer jobs and going away this week wasn’t possible. Last summer July 4th was a Monday so we made it work. We did a long weekend at a hotel and then drove home at 5 am on July 5th. Not possible this year. And I am sad. I am sad for losing what started July 4th, 2010 and I am sad for what starts today, July 4th, 2023.

What starts today?
Independence Day, in a way, parent/teenager style.

What starts today?
My boys having even more of their independence, their responsibilities, their summers, their plans, their schedules, their lives.

What starts today?
Family traditions changing to reflect my kids becoming even closer to young adults living independently.

Sure, traditions have slowly been changing as my kids and family changed. Thanksgiving started being celebrated every other year on a different day when I divorced. Santa Claus suddenly took on a new meaning when my kids became older. Summer vacation started ending two weeks earlier to accommodate pre-season sports. Weekends started filling up with more time face-timing with friends than having actual face time with me.

So yeah, I guess this “independence day” has been in the works for a while. But those moments, as hard as they have been, didn’t explode my heart like today. There is something so extra real and in my face about today. Something about jobs and responsibilities being the reason for our family change that just has my heart knowing it needs to take hold and hang on…that this is just the beginning of many changes to come. Years ago we didn’t want to change weeks at the beach because it was a risk and look what happened. Here I am upset that I am losing that exact change.

And so I take note.
Change can feel like the end.
It can feel risky.
And it can be beautiful and wonderful too.

So, today I am holding on and embracing the change the best I can….with full blown tears when no one is watching and probably when they are watching too. I am grateful that all my boys are here, in my home, and we can still celebrate together and I can still make them put on the Old Navy 4th of July shirts like I do every single year since 2010.

We will do the traditions we did at the beach and be together, just without the sand. So it isn’t all bad. And I will wake them up early (and they will be thrilled, insert sarcasm) and take them out to the diner for ice cream and waffles as we would if at the beach. And tonight we will have the same meal we have every year: hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob with loads of butter. And then we will do sparklers. And for good measure, my boys will bicker to make the day feels like every year 😉

I will adapt and adjust today to make new memories and to make the most of what I do have – all of us together.

It isn’t the end, end. It is just the end of one tradition, to make way for new ones that are yet to be created.

Sending warmth and strength to you today…and all the Independence Days of Parenting that follow for those of us with teenagers…

How I Stayed Motivated When I Wanted to Quit

Posted on June 12, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

“Are we there yet?” Except it wasn’t my kids saying it, it was me thinking it, which believe it or not, is just as exhausting to hear! Why? Because the real question I was asking,

“Am I there yet? Am I done?”

I was exhausted responding to my mental questioning and trying to keep myself motivated.

I just didn’t have it in me yesterday.

I love my walks, truly, especially this time of year but yesterday for some reason, I just couldn’t fully get into it and well, I just wanted to take a short cut and go home. I was getting bored. I was getting antsy. I was slowing down. Even my favorite podcast wasn’t motivating me.

I just wanted to stop pushing myself to achieve my goal of an hour towards a healthier me. But did I really? No, of course I didn’t. But oh I was close. The stairs to home were right there. Calling me, “Come on Sheila, come home. It’s all good.” It would have been easy to just go left, climb the stairs, and call it a day. But then I would have been disappointed in myself and that wouldn’t have been easy.

Just then, a woman ran past me on the track, from the other direction. And it hit me, what if, what if instead of “giving up early” or “short cutting” what if I just changed direction? What if all I need to keep going was a new view, a new perspective? What if I turned around and simply started walking the other direction, following the woman?

So I did.

And wow. Same place. Same track. Same me. New view.

GORGEOUS view.

Expansive view.

Peaceful view.

I found myself re-motivated to keep going. And going. And going. I finished my hour easily. And with so much satisfaction and pride.

I didn’t short cut my goal (or myself); I achieved it – all I had to do was change direction.

This realization was powerful, and simple, and well, familiar. So often on the way to achieving goals, I get stuck. When I do, it is hard to remember to change it up, to try something new, to find a new perspective. But when I do, voila! My mind opens and I become unstuck and I reach a new level of motivation or problem solving.

If you are trying to yell less…
and finding yourself wanting to give up, don’t give up on the goal, just change direction. Perhaps choose a new trigger to work on. Or choose a new mantra to help you in tough moments. Or start giving yourself grace if you haven’t yet, remembering you are human and the goal isn’t perfection. Just try something new.

If you are trying to improve your connection with your teens…
and want to give up and accept it will always be this way, don’t give up on the goal of a close connection, just change direction. Perhaps try a new time of day to connect. Or a new means of communication, perhaps a hand written note? Perhaps over Dunkin’ coffee instead of in the house? Or simply cook a favorite meal that says, “I love you” and leave it at that.

If you are trying to achieve a life goal…
and you want to give up, don’t give up on the goal, just change direction. And this is where I am struggling so these next words should be interesting and fun to read. Perhaps I should try a new perspective. Perhaps I am looking at the challenges I am facing in the wrong light. Perhaps I need to add some new tools to my motivation and resilience mindset. Perhaps I need to simply slow down and accept the speed of the process, much like I appreciated the view around me as I walked the new direction. Hmmmm….

Whatever meaningful goal you are going after, itsy-bitsy, small, big, gargantuan, if you feel like giving up on it, don’t.

Simply change direction, change your mindset.

Same goal, new approach.

It won’t be easy, but then again, not going after a goal that matters to you won’t be easy either.

(And yes, there are times when our heart knows that it is indeed time to stop or even to take a pause, a break. That isn’t giving up. That is honoring your instinct and yourself. Your heart will know which direction to go. Trust it. And yes, Sheila, read your own words and take them to heart, will you?!)

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,
~
Warmth because it is Monday and who doesn’t need some warmth at the beginning of a week?
~
Strength because going after goals is hard, hard work. Fulfilling work, but hard work. It takes determination, courage, often times composure, and strength.

You are resilient. More resilient than you realize.

Will my Teens Turn to me When They are “Lost”? I Sure Hope So.

Posted on June 6, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

*Tissue warning*

Ah, the good ‘ole “Lost and Found” basket at schools, at homes, at wherever. I, of course, naturally thought about this basket soon after I thought about myself being “Lost and Found.” Because well, you all know the random connections my brain makes and also, with the end of the school year approaching way too quickly, the “Come check Lost and Found one more time” email reminders are as plentiful as ever.

The emails always make me chuckle as they reflect the trends for the year; you know, the things the teens absolutely had to have. This year? Well this years’ photos were especially funny; fancy water bottles to keep water super, duper, wicked cold, next to “hoodies” to keep one super, duper, wicked warm and cozy. Lol.

I love teens. And kids. Especially my kids. Why? Lots of reasons but mostly because of alllll the photos…between all the schools…and yet not one of our missing water bottles can be found. Where oh where did they go? To the land of the spoons and phone chargers?

One shall never know…. But I shall always know this. And this deep thought came to me as I ended my walk on Sunday and it led me to tears.

So here is where you grab the tissues (I had none, so sleeve it was.)

The beauty of the “Lost and Found” basket in the schools – and at hotels, and concerts, and everywhere you go, is that everyone knows that they exist.

Everyone knows that there is a place to go when you lose what matters to you. And additionally, there are always meeting points and places you know to go when you are, literally, lost.

I want to be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons.

I guess I am the basket already (literally at night and figuratively otherwise.) I’m always there. Even when empty, when my kids are doing fine and are on their ways and doing well in their worlds and not lost at all, I’m there. I remain. Like a “Lost and Found” basket, I am never put away. I patiently wait for when I am needed, for when my children feel lost and need help finding their way, however that looks.

Whether it be when they feel overwhelmed and lost in school, and need help studying so they feel confident again.

Whether it be when they feel confused and lost in a social matter, and need help navigating it so they feel comfortable.

Whether it be when they feel down and out and lost in life in general, and need help… NOPE… just need a listening ear so they feel less alone.

Or, whether it be when they feel frustrated because they literally lost something that mattered to them and need help finding it, so they feel less anxious. (Oh I get this. And oh I want to lecture on responsibility but my kids are as human as I am when it comes to misplacing things – it simply happens sometimes and when it does, I am there to help them.)

Whatever it is, whenever it is, I hope to always be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons – the place they know that is always there to go to when they feel lost.

And I hope that when they move on to college (way sooner that I am ready to admit) and then onto their own lives and go on walks like I did and realize they are lost on a greater scale, that they still call me.

And I know that what I do today will directly impact whether or not I get that phone call in the future. So I continue to focus on developing a strong, trusting, loving relationship with my teens (as I did when they were little ones.) I continue to work on…

~ Connecting before “correcting.”

~ Listening more, lecturing less. (oof this is hard)

~ Working with them, not against them. (Same team!)

~ Taking things less personal, period, so I don’t overreact and escalate matters.

~ Remembering they are humans too – with good days and bad days, just like me.

~ Focusing on what matters, what really, really matters.

~ And making relationship repairs after I have yelled or made a mistake because if I don’t, my “Lost and Found” basket will end up with lots of rips and tears and holes in it.

And I don’t want that. It is a privilege to figuratively be my childrens’ “Lost and Found” basket and I so want to remain as such.

So repairs I make, as frequently as needed. Finding my way as an adult is hard. Finding my way when I was a teen was hard. Finding my way AS A PARENT of a TEEN is hard. I can only imagine how my teens feel finding their way in this world. And so I remain. As the “Lost and Found” basket. Always there. Always waiting, even when not needed, so that I am ready for the moment I am.

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always.

Warmth today if you are feeling the feels of the thought of your kiddos going off into the world soon, Strength today if your child is feeling lost and you currently are there for them, remaining, listening, supporting, just being. I know how hard it is to be there. It is heartbreaking.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

(And fear not dear Fellow Orange Rhinos, this lovely sign does not always exist so crisp and perfect. In fact, it doesn’t exist;) It was made solely for the purpose of this picture. I wrote this post as part of yesterday’s post and decided to make it its own. Then decided that the post needed a picture.

And then well, filling the basket – which yes does exist as a “Mom’s Lost and Found Basket” was super easy to fill. It contains a hat, an iPad, a t-shirt, some socks. Actually, lots of socks. And no, no missing water bottles. Or spoons. Or chargers.)

I’m Not Looking Forwards to Mother’s Day

Posted on May 13, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Full disclosure. I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day. It is a complicated day for many and not the Hallmark holiday that is offered. To all those feeling this way, I see you, I feel the pain. I send you warmth and so much love this entire weekend where you are surrounded by reminders of the holiday.

My first mother’s day was idyllic. James was seven months old and just as squishy and adorable as could be. He and his dad “made” me breakfast and we ate it outside on the most perfect spring day North Carolina had to offer. Blue skies. White, wispy clouds. Light breezes coming and going. Birds chirping. Colorful flowers lining our backyard. I received a few gifts that I wanted to make my diaper bag less of a mess but the ultimate gift was the activity I did with James. We made a painting together of his and my hand prints and foot prints. It was a mess! Paint everywhere. I was laughing. He was giggling. It was the most perfect moment motherhood could offer.

Many Mother’s Days that followed when my kids were young young were precious like that, with fun art activities or family activities where we laughed and connected. When my boys entered elementary school and started writing, the Mother’s Days cards just melted my heart. The misspellings were perfect. The sentiments perfect. The paper flowers or paper hearts, perfect. The cards were always such a nice touch to whatever was planned at home. Thank goodness for teachers.

I always felt loved and appreciated and the day was always special.

I got divorced two weeks or so before Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day hasn’t been the same since.
It just hasn’t.

In the early years of the divorce, when the boys were younger and the schools still talked about Mother’s Day, it went better. Like I said, thank goodness for teachers. Those cards saved Mother’s Day for me. I knew that because of teachers, I would get a card on Mother’s Day. I knew that my boys would remember to say “Happy Mother’s Day.” I knew that I would get one hand-made gift wrapped in tissue paper. I knew that I would have a moment of special on a tough day.

And during those earlier years and now, to my ex’s credit, he worked with my boys to remind them and help them get cards and gifts. My boyfriend has also stepped in and done the same but…things just are working out differently, especially as they have gotten older. I know it “should” be easier because they are older, because perhaps they “should” take on the desire to do things on their own, but….It’s complicated. Thinks aren’t always as simple as they seem.

Add on the dimension of my boys bickering more because again, older, and well there hasn’t been a Mother’s Day without massive fighting that I can remember. (“Happy Mother’s Day! I hope it is peaceful!” people wish me. Yeah, right.) I am guessing the bickering is also partly because of the underlying reminder that there parents are divorced – holidays are still tough for some of my boys. That is okay. I feel that. I GET THAT. They just are. They are very clear reminders of very specific memories of togetherness as family. Even though the days were centered around me, Mother’s Day for us comes from being a family, from having a mom and dad that were together.

Like I said, Mother’s Day is complicated.
And not just for me.
It is for many of us, for a variety of reasons.

I know Sunday will have sweet moments. And I know it will have moments of sadness, of wishing it were slightly different. And I know people are reading this and are going, “Girl. It isn’t about presents or cards or yada yada.” I know that. I am well aware of that and I agree wholeheartedly. I don’t even need Mother’s Day per say but it sure is nice to have one day to help my kiddos recognize all I do, do!

And also, Mother’s Day is still hard because it is full of GRIEF.
Loss. Sadness. Pain.

There is loss of how the day used to go and pain in the fact that now I am the one asking my kids if they need help getting a card or anything. I know if I don’t ask, if I don’t give the loving reminder, the day will come and nothing will happen because again, things have changed and it’s complicated. I know my boys, they are good kids with loving, huge, well-intentioned, hearts and they would be devastated if they forgot or did nothing. (There are factors at play I am not sharing so please do not judge why I am having to give the loving reminder given their ages.)

Again, Mother’s Day is complicated.

I am planning for the ups and downs of emotions so that I can make the most out of it – so that I can find the JOY in the day and move on from the complicated, from the inevitable disappointments, from the guaranteed frustration from sibling fighting.

I have allowed myself to feel the pain – the real pain.
I have allowed myself to think and say the thoughts that are taboo – that I am not looking forward to the day.
And now, I am shifting my mindset, my expectations.
I have spent the last few days re-envisioning Mother’s Day.
I see fighting in the afternoon. I am ready for that. It is part of the picture. I expect it so when it happens I won’t be disappointed! It is part of the plan!

And I see four beautiful boys that made me mom. That’s it. Well, that’s more than it. That’s A LOT. They are the ultimate gift and my expectation is to be with them, fighting and all. Because they remind me that I get to be a mom. No pomp and circumstance around it. Four reminders that I have the honor to be their mom. And I lied. They ARE pomp and circumstance, just in their existence – they are a celebration of motherhood.

If being with them leads to actually playing some of the family games as I have requested, win. If we have a peaceful meal together, double win. But I am dropping those expectations so that I can be in a BETTER PLACE going into Sunday so that I can enjoy what the day offers, instead of what it doesn’t.

Sending warmth, strength and peace to all struggling this Mother’s Day weekend. You aren’t alone. I see you and I am thinking of you.