Tag Archives: Work

Can Envy Be Useful? What a “Negative” Emotion Taught Me

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So often negative emotions are seen as only that – negative 🙂 So they are discouraged, ignored, or pushed down. You all know me though, I’m a believer in “feel all the feels.” All emotions add value or another. So I don’t see negative emotions as negative (unless they are used that way.)

 Last night, I had a full range of emotions – including envy – in a whopping span of five or so minutes. I had the option to let envy remain as a heavy, discouraging, negative feeling OR to let it lift me up. I chose the latter. Through a series of odd events, I discovered really cool information about a family relative right before going to bed.

At first, I felt inspired, uplifted. Thoughts like, “Wicked cool! Amazing! Holy schnikes!” ran through my mind. Their associated energies woke up my very tired, “is it bedtime yet” body. For a moment. Maybe two. Until eventually, the next thought popped up.

Before I share that thought, know that I’m okay with it. It might seem judgemental, negative, harsh. I see it as reflective. Empowering. Useful. That thought

“Wow. Look at my parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and other great-greats and cousins removed. Such smart people who made true contributions in their line of work. Who had passions and didn’t ignore them, but rather lived them. I have so many similar interests as them. Clearly interests in the brain and psychology and helping people are in my blood…and yet… and yet…

WHAT ABOUT ME? What am I doing? Why have I not acted fully like them? Why have I stopped short, and they went full speed ahead? Why have I held myself back? Why do I not believe that I could succeed in certain areas? Why do I dream, but not fully go forward?”

And lastly, “Oh, oh I am so tired of wishing and wanting and dreaming and not doing. I want to live a life pursuing my passions just like my great-great, or removed-removed, whatever he was relative.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this awakening if you will. It has happened a few times over the last five or so years. It’s part of what drove me back here.

When I started The Orange Rhino Challenge® to stop yelling for a year, when I started this community and started speaking with you all, I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in a while. My brain loved the intellectual challenge. My heart loved the emotional connections. All of me loved figuring out ways to help others yell less.

When I felt fully alive here, I had a pep in my step. I glowed. I felt confident, creative, excited,  energized. I laughed, smiled more. I had dreams and was actively walking towards them. It felt AMAZING. It was amazing.

So when my life started to get more grey, when the heaviness of life started to win, I knew where to return.

HERE.

To a place that brought out the best in me.

To a place where I lived fuller.

As I think back to last night, and reading about my relative and his contributions to the world of psychology and child development (not sharing names to protect privacy of my extended family), I do find myself feeling envious of all he achieved. Of all he went forward with. But envy isn’t bad. It’s a light shining on what matters to us -or- where we need to work a little bit. If we look at envy as a light, instead of as a weight, it will truly brighten the way forward towards where we want to go. It will brighten the way towards a more fulfilling life, a lighter life.

I’m excited for today, to see what my envy is telling me. I have a thousand hunches, all good. I feel excited. I feel a little more certain about the direction I’m supposed to be headed.

Reading more about my famous relative last night was exciting, then a little discouraging, and now, well now I just wish he was alive so we could have coffee and geek out and talk about the future of The Orange Rhino.

* If you and I were to have coffee today, what dream would you want to talk about? What would get you all giddy and excited? *

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always…so that you may keep going towards the life you dream of…and deserve!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Survival Mode Is Not a Personal Failure

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A moment of real honesty: I am not currently thriving. I am in survival mode. And I struggle with that some days. Carry shame around it even. There is so much unspoken pressure to thrive. To strive even. To not be in survival mode. I go on Instagram and these messages bombard me. 

Are you in Survival Mode? Here’s how to get out!

Are you Thriving? Go you! Rock On!

Are you Striving towards your goals? Why not? Here’s How!

Listen, I am all for these three points. I think you know this about me;) I have nothing against these three points. I have books about all three topics. I love these topics!!!

This is not against them. I repeat. This post is greater than that. I love the feeling of thriving. Who doesn’t? I want us all to have that feeling of flourishing and feeling alive and fulfilled.

And I love me some goals and going after them. I mean, I wrote a book about learning to yell less and how I went a year without yelling 😉 I have been a Type A goal setter probably since I was able to set and go after goals.

And I do not love the feeling of being in survival mode. It’s exhausting, unfulfilling on most days, and makes my body just feel cruddy all over. Hello migraines, knots in my back, blurry vision, memory loss, decision making fatigue. I could go on and on and on. And at the same time, I’m not a fan of how these words are being presented to all of us. There needs to be an asterisk, a qualifier. A more realistic, honest statement after them.

Here’s my take. I accept that there is one common denominator in all three of these words: Thrive, Strive, Survive. The thread? the three letters I-V-E. Which are all part of the word LIVE. To me part of the definition of TO LIVE means to Thrive some days, To Strive towards goals most days and To simply Survive other days. All three modes are NORMAL and a part of LIFE.

There is no shame if I am in survival mode and there is no extra glory if I am in thriving and striving mode. I go in and out of all three modes constantly. While I love striving and thriving, I do not always need to, nor is it necessarily good for me. And while I accept being in survival mode at times, I know I can’t stay there because that too isn’t good for me.

This week has been a blending of Surviving and Striving to get out of survival mode. Hopefully next week will feel more like Thriving. Who knows. I just keep moving forward-ish.

What I do know is that this morning, I momentarily felt uninspiring because I have been “just” surviving* and then I remembered THAT IS OKAY. I am Surviving. I AM LIVING. I am showing up. I am still charging towards the life I want…which is one where I no longer let the obstacles overwhelm and overshadow my days so much that I miss out on the good that still shines bright.

So sure, I feel blech about life this week because I am “just surviving” but honestly, that in itself is inspiring. Life can be hard. Parenting is hard. Remaining determined, courageous, hopeful through it all? WHICH ALL OF YOU ARE…inspiring. Sending warmth and strength to you today – to live your day today without shame of where you are on your journey today. Surviving, Striving, Thriving…You are Showing up and Living and Moving Forward and that my Friend is Awesome.

*If you too are in survival mode, but it feels more heavy than just survival and just a phase, please reach out to an expert for support. Life is hard and complicated and all those who love you, need you.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Life Charges at Us: Why I Need to Recharge Before I Can Take Charge

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Life Charges at us sometimes. In so many, many different ways. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is just a fact of life. Unexpected life changes. Children having wicked tough days. Family emergencies. Personal emergencies. BACK TO SCHOOL go-go-go preparations! It can be a lot. And that was a short list!

Time to Re-Charge so we can Take Charge (of what we can.) Just a little Monday morning thought given “The Orange Rhino” and all and one I have been playing with and reminding myself of when I feel life charging at me. Re-charge Sheila so you can Take Charge!

Did you know Rhinos charge because they feel threatened, provoked, triggered? Parents charge vis-a-vis yelling for the same reasons. Hence how I identified with a rhino years upon years ago lol.

I added the orange for much needed warmth, confidence, and positive energy and because I didn’t want to charge/yell.

I added four pink birds, one for each of my sons, to represent love, community support and because well, I love the color pink;) But the more and more I think about it, The Orange Rhino truly is about more than yelling and parenting.

When I used to yell, while on the surface it seemed I was triggered in the moment by my kids, I was really triggered/threatened/provoked by LIFE, which yes, includes people in my life. Which yes, also includes ME which was my major conclusion years ago. In my book, I wrote that “It’s not you, it’s me” meaning the kids weren’t the trigger, it was me.

Still stand by that, in the sense that if I wanted to stop yelling, I had to look within instead of out. Now, I expand. I need to look within, and then look out again. I have spent the last year, and a few years prior looking out at my LIFE. What in my life feels threatening? Real or imagined? What in my life triggers me? From my past? My future? What in my life provokes me? To think? To act? To want to fight – sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much?

I can learn from all the moments that make me want to charge…and all the moments when I feel life charging at me. And I can make sure to re-charge myself as much as possible –> so that I am ready for said “want to charge moments” –> so that I remain warm and loving and respectful. Oooh, here’s another one. So that I remain positively charged;) and have a productive interaction –> so that I can then use what I learned and “take charge” of my knowledge and move forward. Clearly so many fun ways to use the word charge that aren’t negative!

Speaking of charging, my darling sons are waking up and as lovely and “grown up” as they are, without food in them, there will be some legit charging at each other. Puberty and hormones and four teen boys is just, um, A LOT.

Sending warmth and strength to you all today, as you start your week! Remember to re-charge every now and then so you can take charge and have the day you want. If it looks to be a cruddy day, take charge of the moment to find some joy – a funny video, a good chat with a friend. Add some good to the crud! And if you aren’t feeling positively charged at all, that’s okay. Some days are like that. Happy Monday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

#TheOrangeRhino #yelllesslovemore #theorangerhinochallenge #rechargetotakecharge

People-Pleasing: How I’m Learning to Put Myself on the List

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I am a people pleaser. Always have been, will not always be (at least that is the current plan.) I am working to pay attention more to who I please to make sure that I too am on that list. That my needs, my wishes, my thoughts, my concerns, my opinions, my dreams are on my personal people pleasing list.

Because I matter too. And while I know this on a higher level, I often forget it at a deeper level, especially when it comes to tough situations.

When I want to avoid major, major discomfort, I abandon myself and what I need. I don’t listen to my own inner voice that is yelling at me, that is so clearly saying, “hey girl, you matter too. What do you want? Need? What is your body telling you?”

Needless to say, not listening to myself in these situations doesn’t end up feeling good or work out well in the long run. It isn’t just tough situations where I don’t listen to my own inner voice and try to people please instead, where it doesn’t work out so well.

It can be day to day situations, like making weekend plans. And it isn’t even just situations that involve others. Sometimes people pleasing is directly pleasing others; sometimes it is indirect, i.e. by going with trends, popular opinions when making a decision.

When I can’t hear my own inner voice loud enough and need to make a decision, I try to go with what others think and say, I try to agree with them, to please them in a way. Right now, I am struggling with two simple decisions: what color patio furniture to get, and what tagline to do 😉

I am so used to people pleasing, that my own inner voice isn’t strongly telling me what to do. I am not used to trusting my gut as much as I used to. It is a wee bit of a problem. I am aware.

A simple situation on vacation a month ago really proved to me that this whole people pleasing thing really wasn’t working out and needed a reboot. The discussion of where to go to dinner came up. I don’t recall details except that it was clear to me that I cared more about the outcome than others, for a variety of valid reasons that I can’t remember.

And yet, I didn’t stand up for my opinion. I wanted to keep the peace. I wanted to keep people happy. I wanted to please people. So I kept my mouth shut. All seven of us went to the one restaurant that I didn’t want to go to because the menu was limited for me. I tried real hard to be at peace with the place and appear content and happy. I really did. But I kinda failed. Apparently my discontent was written all over my face as I looked over the menu and struggled to find anything that I really liked or could (would) eat.

Perhaps the face that they really saw though was the one that was thinking, “Why didn’t you say how you felt? Why didn’t you stand up for your needs and wants? You matter too. It is okay to make sure you are happy too. You can be on the people pleasing list too. This isn’t the first time this week you did this.”

And later, in the middle of the meal, as I sat picking at my food, hungry and disappointed in my food (myself), they definitely saw the face that suddenly peaked up after a major realization.

“Time out. Crapola. This whole people pleasing business doesn’t actually always work. I tried to make others happy by putting their needs first. But in keeping my mouth shut, I became discontent which has put me in a bit of a mood. So now I am struggling to be present and am being grumpy so I am really not ‘pleasing anyone.’ I am actually displeasing people! Which totally wasn’t my goal, I do like to make people happy and I said yes to this restaurant to do that and yet…not doing that at all! This people pleasing has all backfired. I can’t always get what I want when I share my wishes and wants and needs, but at least I can share and not have them fester inside of me, making me cranky.”

It was a major lightbulb moment.

My people pleasing wasn’t actually people pleasing. Whoa. The reality at the meal was that my frustration had been building all week. My frustration wasn’t entirely with the menu. My frustration was mostly with myself, with the fact that I didn’t listen to the voice in my head that was yelling so it could be heard saying, “Hey, I have an opinion, and it matters, and I would like to share it. I am tired of you putting me on the back burner all week girl. This is your vacation too.”

People pleasing is a habit. It has a purpose, it has history. I am well aware of that. Working to re-write this history isn’t easy, but I am doing it, slowly. I kinda have no choice. Because people pleasing isn’t pleasing me so well.

Yes, sometimes it feels good to “people please” and put them first. But more often than not, I am discovering that as I “people please” and don’t put me on that list, as I focus so much on others’ wishes and wants and needs and opinions and let mine fade away, I make life harder for myself, more stressful, less enjoyable, less authentic. I will not totally abandon thinking of others and pleasing others because that is something I value – in a way.

But I am tweaking how I do it, how I define it, and what my boundaries are, because my current relationship with pleasing others isn’t always healthy. I can not keep doing it at the expense of myself all the time. Yes, there are times when it is okay to put others first. Absolutely, I am okay with that.

But that can’t be my go to. I am not sure what my new “people pleasing” boundaries and rules will be. I just know that my mind, my body (yes, literally) and my heart are all yelling at me to listen to them to figure it out. I am listening. I am learning. I am trying. Sending warmth and confidence your way today, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Parenting Teens: How Kids Can Make You Want to Scream With Frustration and Joy

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Let’s be totally honest – kids make you want to scream with frustration and also, with joy, with excitement, with pride, with love. I had one of the latter moments yesterday. And fear you not, several of the others as well, both before and after the good moment.

It’s just been a trying time here in this Orange Rhino household of teens lately, which is why this one yelling moment out of joy was that much more special.

My boys were at their dad’s this weekend. They often don’t call when they are there. At first it really hurt and I took it personally, not gonna lie. Then, after several weekends of them saying the same thing the minute they walked in the door, “Hi mom! Love you! Sorry I didn’t call this weekend but…” I started to understand where they were coming from with not calling and didn’t take it as personal.

And I knew we were both having a hard time with the adjustment. The upside to this? When I do get a call?! Especially when one kiddo who never, ever calls?! It is that much more golden.

Okay, well, it is 50/50 golden when he calls. Scratch that. 33/33/33 (and can someone please come up with a clever way to make that sound easy like 50/50. Is it 33% equally? 33% all around? I don’t know. Anywho.)

33% chance he needs me to do something for him which while annoying and totally teenager, I still welcome the chance to hear his voice, the opportunity to talk to him about life and the fun of talking to a third person about calling just because he needs something. We are still learning phone manners here. Holy schnikes!

This is of course his favorite thing I do. Insert eye rolls. After he finishes his request for some game thing or another, I’ll playfully go “Oh, hi mom. I just called to say I love you. I need something and that something is to talk to! I miss you!”

He’ll giggle, yes giggle, and say, “I know, sorry. Hi mom, how are you, how is your weekend?”

33% something is wrong. There was the time he Face-timed me. Then I was actually worried and rightfully so because one look and I knew something was wrong – this was the beginning of the great Hand Mouth Throat takeover of 2022.

It was swell. And the 33% Sheer Joy. The truth is just calling to say I love you or I am thinking of you. Which brings us to yesterday’s call.

“So mom, I was just thinking. I was watching You Tube…” I tried to stay focused but all I could think was oh lordy, what crazy, ridiculous story am I going to hear and have to pretend to be excited about or have to “not lecture” about but somehow teach about the inappropriateness of the content?!

Focus, girl, focus. He called for you. Embrace the moment! Believe there is good to come! 

“…and somehow I ended up watching a video about…” bracing myself… “extinct animals.” SAFE, I think?! “Oh, cool!” I said enthusiastically.

“And then, they started talking about Rhinos actually. And how people are killing them for their horns and how they could be extinct soon. And it made me think of you.”

Needed to brace myself again. This had complete and utter potential to go two ways:

(1) It made me think of you dying or

(2) it made me think of you and The Orange Rhino.

This was a legit 50/50. No 33% equally here! We journey on into the conversation. “It did? How so?” I asked curiously, and genuinely. I was so touched that he made a connection to me when seeing Rhinos.

“Well, you know how you are The Orange Rhino?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking. I mean, you don’t let me have Facebook or social media so I don’t know how it works, but like, maybe people don’t know what The Orange Rhino is?”

Yes, SAFE!

“Maybe they are confused and are thinking it is about saving Rhinos? And maybe they think there are actually Orange Rhinos? And also, you know how I want to make money? Maybe I could work for you somehow? I don’t know. Just thought of you. Wanted to share. That’s it.”

“WOW, sweetheart. That is totally awesome. I am really touched, truly. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” I said and as I write, I sit here tearing up, a voice inside me yelling with joy,  “YES! He is a love! He does think of me!”

“So seriously, can I work for you somehow and make money?” And now I giggled, because, well, kids.

“I don’t know honey, but maybe. We will see. I do love your insights though and they are spot on. I am actually working right now to make it more clear what an Orange Rhino is. Way to go. Hope you are having a great weekend.”

“I am. Okay. Love you. Bye.”

And that was that. But so much more than that.

One of the reasons I started writing again was for my boys to see me “working” and doing something I love. To see me having goals and going after them. To see me having dreams and chasing them. My son saw me enough to think of me when not with me and so much so to call me. Major win yesterday, a major win. YELLING with excitement!

And also, he is right. Perhaps there is confusion to all who are new or even anyone who sees the phrase “The Orange Rhino.” What is it? I know it was a little more clear when I had the word Challenge there. Oh, it’s a challenge. And then clearly, one look at my website, oh, a challenge to stop yelling.

But why a rhino? Well, one day in the beginning when I was searching for a symbol so I could remain anonymous, my son was yelling at me while picking his nose. I said calmly, “If I can’t yell what does that mean for you?”

He replied, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” This inspired me to google Rhino for some reason (my brain works in wondrous ways) and voila…

“Grey Rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked (threatened.)”

Well, I’ll be! I was a Grey Rhino. I charged when provoked vis-a-vis yelling and saw myself as naturally calm. Anywho, I wanted to respond with warmth and love and no longer with yelling. I needed the energy and determination to do so time and time again. I needed the color Orange in my life! And so, The Orange Rhino was born! The Orange Rhino did appear to face extinction for a while, but really, was just evolving.

And wow, as I write that, powerful statement, no? How often do we think we are on a dead end path but really we are gathering information, experiences and insights to help us on a new path? We just don’t realize it at the time of course…. I thought The Orange Rhino was headed towards extinction, but really was just evolving. The Orange Rhino still represents Yelling Less, but now, also more. The Orange Rhino represents Yelling Less all Around – at our kids, at ourselves, from ourselves and from our lives.

Because yelling doesn’t just happen because of our kids, and it doesn’t just happen towards our kids.

Yelling happens because of ourselves and our thoughts, the negative ones we listen to too much, the positive ones we don’t listen to enough.

Yelling happens because of our lives, our connections, our experiences, our actions, our inactions.

The Orange Rhino is evolving, but at the core is still the same thing: warmth and love. Warmth and love for my kids, Warmth and Love for myself, and making sure I am in a life that is giving Warmth and Love back to me. My son gave me loads of warmth and love yesterday with a simple phone call. I won’t get all moments right with him, nor him with me. Neither of us are perfect.

But we enjoy the moments we do get right. I am an Orange Rhino, and he is one in the making – and we are both still human. Sending loads and warmth and love this Monday morning, xoxo, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why Belonging Has Always Mattered So Much to Me

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Apparently, I have always just wanted to be accepted. I have always wanted to belong. To be a part of something. To not be the third wheel. To not be the odd one who overshared her feelings. To not be the one who had to explain herself, why she acted how she did. I realized this yesterday morning and it was a doooozy. Repeat, a doooozy. Total, utter, doozy. Even writing it just now brought tears to my eyes.

Where did this come from? Oh, just a simple question from Rachel, a.k.a. The Hands Free Revolution in her new book Soul Shift. She asked (notice how I write she, not the book, that is how it reads, truly like a conversation with a friend.) The question was about our childhood and happy memories – something like that.

My mind oddly went to, well, there are a few but sh*t, mostly, I just felt left out. I felt different. I felt like I was always trying to be seen for who I was; trying to be accepted for who I was; trying to also hide who I was.

Needless to say, I thought Thursday was hard because I thought I was going to lose you all, my “In Case of Emergency” folks.

Well, yesterday made Thursday look easy. But even though it was hard as heck to realize how much I longed for acceptance as a child – and lets face it – still do as an adult, it was beautiful. I write as tears stream down my face. Tears that are probably 40 something years old. This realization undoubtedly popped out ahead of all other memories as I have been working on acceptance as a core part of the future of The Orange Rhino – so it was really cool to make this connection. And also, really cool for me as a growing person to realize.

I don’t read a lot. Reading is actually really hard for me. Always has been. (Did you know that writing is too? That is why my style is what it is – whatever flows out, flows out.) But I do love to read books that make me think about my life and personal growth. And when I find a book that is amazing, that makes me profoundly think, that makes me fold every page so I make sure to go back and re-read and re-read because the thoughts have stuck with and instantly helped me, my difficulty with reading disappears and I find the stamina to power through. And oddly enough, to do so at lightning speed.

There are literally a handful of books in this category. Books with titles that I never forget, unlike my kids’ names that I seem to mix up daily! My dear Rachel, your book #SoulShiftBook is now in that category along with other New York Times Bestsellers…

Atomic Habits by James Clear
10% Happier by Dan Harris
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Soul Shift by Rachel Macy Stafford

The Hands Free Revolution I kid you not. This book is golden. Y’all, I recall from my last post about this book how many of you have this book on your wish list. I know times are financially tough for many. I also know how impactful this book is and I want you to have it. I want to support you. I want you to feel how I have felt. I know I have said I have felt like crap. Yes, I am saying that.

But remember – I have also said how beautifully freeing it is! I have pre-ordered 3, make that 5 copies because of need, plus my own, because I know how important pre-orders are to Authors and because I truly want to support both Rachel and you. I will send these four copies to the first 6 people that email me at TheOrangeRhinoChallenge@gmail.com with the subject “Soul Shift” and your address included (US only please, sorry!) I ask that you be truly honest with yourself about your need as I know how many emails I will get.

And I also ask, that if like me, you yearn to be accepted, know that here, you are. All my love, The Orange Rhino © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Parenting Advice That Was Hurting My Mental Health

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Warning: potentially unpopular opinion coming up. There is a widely used “core parenting statement/belief” that I recently realized has contributed in a somewhat harmful way to my own mental health and I want to address it. I’d like to say that I am prepared for backlash – but I know that I am not. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t deal well with controversy. But, I feel strongly that the message I am about to share needs to be heard because when I figured it out, I felt so much better about myself as a parent, as a person.

The shame, self-ridicule and intense pressure I put on myself as mom dropped tenfold when I stopped fully accepting and following this popular parenting belief shared and told by many a psychologist. And this statement isn’t just shared by psychologists in articles online and undoubtedly in books. It is widely shared in pretty square boxes with pretty fonts and images on Facebook and Instagram. It is shared on reels with relaxing, meant to be encouraging music.

The parenting belief is with good intention – it is meant to inspire us to be good parents. It is meant to help us raise our children with strong emotional iq, mindset, resiliency etc…. It is definitely meant to teach us something our parents might not have been taught and it definitely is not meant to shame us or put pressure on us.

And yet… I found myself bawling my eyes out in my minivan recently because of this darn supposedly helpful, gentle, encouraging, parenting reminder. I found myself bawling my eyes out because I had just dropped one of my sons off and we had just had a tough conversation about how things were going for him. He was having a hard time with something or other and said something negative about himself. He hurt and I hurt for him, oh did I ever.

And I hurt because I couldn’t help but wonder, as I often do as a mom, is this my fault? Did I mess up as a parent? Did I miss something? Did I not do a good enough job?

So before pulling away I went on my phone to admittedly, numb the pain for a bit. To avoid the feelings of yuck. To hopefully see something up-lifting. And sure enough, I saw some pretty image with different colored words and it was soothing to look at. Until I read the words.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

and BOOM there it was, the ever so popular parenting statement. I went from crying to bawling.

See, it was my fault. My son’s inner voice was being cruel to him so it must be my fault. I must have talked to him that way. Right? I must have said something incredibly mean and cruel to him because now he talked that way to himself. Clearly my words had become my son’s inner voice because that is what Facebook was telling me…as it had taught forever. I mean this saying has been EVERYWHERE and I mean everywhere for years. Years! I have seen it since the days I started writing as The Orange Rhino. I have never doubted it, never challenged it.

At first, I didn’t get it. Perhaps because my kids were young. But as they grew, I understood it more and I fully embraced it. Yes! Yes, that makes sense. My kids internalize what I say to them, what I say about them, how I say things to them – and even how I talk about myself. They watch me, mirror me, learn from me. They are learning to speak to themselves the way I speak to them and speak to myself. Yes, I get this, I believe it. “The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” Yes, true.

But there needs to be an asterisk or an edit. Because without that, this statement is a little dangerous in my opinion.

Here’s the challenge. This statement – while generally true – puts ALL the pressure on the parent to develop the child’s inner voice. It doesn’t mean to (and maybe it is just my experience) but it does.

And that is A LOT of pressure. A lot. One’s inner voice is super important. Like uber important. If one’s inner voice is too cruel, it can lead to severe depression and worse. (And if it is all the parent’s job to develop it – and the child develops a negative inner voice – then what will happen to the parent’s inner voice? See where I am going?)

I do not take inner voices lightly, which is why I do my best as a mom to watch how I talk to my kids…and why I will continue to. I absolutely want to help them develop a kind and loving inner voice. Heck to the yes on that!

But this statement – putting all the pressure on me?! That’s heavy and it’s inaccurate. Yes, as a parent we accept a certain level of responsibility – where it correctly lies. It lies here, on helping to develop our child’s inner voice, but not 100%.

In my fully accepting this parenting belief, I fully negatively impacted my own mental health. Not good.

After I stopped crying, I suddenly had an AHA moment. A major, life changing one. An, I can breathe one.

Something my son said suddenly clicked for me. He commented about something that happened years ago. He then commented about something that happened in an online game. He was commenting about all social interactions happening here and there and today and then. He was telling me what the asterisk to the comment was.

I said to myself, “What a freakin’ second. Hold the phone. This statement is outright WRONG. I am not the only voice my son hears. Yes, I am part of it and yes I have made mistakes and at times said the wrong thing. I am human. But there is more.

The world hasn’t always been kind to him either. My son’s inner voice? It doesn’t develop just from me. It also develops from everyone in his life and how they talk to him. How his peers do. How online video game strangers do. How teachers do. How strangers do with the looks they give. How advertisements do. I am not the only person talking to my son. I am not the only person contributing to his inner voice. This is not my fault. I am a good loving parent. The way we talk to our children becomes (insert) PART of their inner voice*

*And also, so does the way the world talks to them.”

And I cry again. Why?

Because I hurt for my son and how the world wasn’t so nice to him at times, how loudly and repeatedly it talked to him. And also, perhaps more so, because my inner voice is cruel to me sometimes.

Because I have been telling myself that my son’s negative voice is all my fault, that I failed my son.

Because I have been putting all the pressure on myself to be the best parent, to speak to my children flawlessly to help build their inner voices.

Because there are so many voices out there telling me how to be a better parent; telling me which rules to follow to ensure I don’t screw my child up; telling me to do this, to do that.

Because there are so many voices out there with innocent messages about parenting that I feel like if I am not trying to improve as a parent that I am failing. I know, ironic coming from someone literally writing a parenting piece. I am well aware. Beyond aware.

Every day I struggle with this exact challenge of mine and every time I write, I try to make sure my messaging is what I want. I do not want to add to the voices that add pressure to parents to do better.

I do not want to add to your critical inner voice – I want to help yours and my inner voices to be kinder. I want to help my sons’ inner voices to be kinder. Because we all deserve kind and loving messages.

So here are yours for today. You are a good parent. You are doing a great job. You do not need to be perfect. You are doing your best. You do not need to carry all the responsibility for how your child turns out because there are invisible factors at play you can’t control – and visible factors at play you can’t control. Let go of all the pressure you put on yourself. You deserve kindness – and that includes telling yourself you are a good parent. ©2023 The Orange Rhino

Note: The Orange Rhino stands for warmth and positivity, amongst other things. I deserve kind and loving messages too – as does the original creator of the comment. Again, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the statement. If you do not agree with this post, I ask that you refrain from negative commenting – towards me and towards the creator of the statement.

I welcome differing opinions in the right tone and right forum, but if your comment is neither, I will delete without hesitation. Thank you for understanding and for sharing messages that support and build people up, not taking them down.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

10 Ways I Yell Less When Life Gets Extra Busy

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As we go into what I am sure will be an extra busy weekend for many – being the weekend before Christmas and the 1st night of Hanukkah – I thought I would share some of my top 10 tips for Not Yelling at your kids. I am gonna warn you though – the list might not be what you expect.

When I challenged myself to go an entire year without yelling at my kids (then ages 5 and under), my assumption was that I was going to learn how to “improve” my kids’ behavior, how to get them to listen better, respond faster, fight less, and all that stuff so that they gave me less reasons to yell.

Because you know they were the majority of the problem – or so I thought. I quickly learned, by tracking when and why I yelled, that while some of their behaviors were indeed triggers, a lot of these triggers came from me and own crap. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” stuff. I quickly learned that while I was indeed triggered by their not listening, the yelling wasn’t because of the trigger – the yelling was because I wasn’t in a place to manage the trigger!

The real trigger was me.
My mood.
My problems.
My life.
My past.
Blech.

Don’t get me wrong. My kids’ behaviors could (is!) still be triggering, but in learning to not yell, I had to look at the whole picture and find solutions to all the triggers. And what I have really come to learn since my book came out and I was forced to reflect on what was next, is that what happens all the many moments before “the yelling trigger” are just as important as the exact moment you want to yell.

Just think about it. I hate using battle as an example but…no, I just can’t. I need to come up with something better.

Okay – pick any big moment.
Job interview.
Breaking up with someone.
Going to divorce court.
Meeting with a friend over a personal issue.

How well you handle that tough emotional moment depends on so many things – but how you go into it, how calm, confident, prepared makes a world of difference. Of course there is only so much one can do to control everything before the tough moment.

I mean knowing me – I can do everything I do to be mentally ready – and then do what I do best and slip on non-slippery pavement and fall into the smallest puddle ever and spill the one drop of coffee left on the one white polka dot on my shirt – and then become all frazzled and poof! Mental state begone BUT my mental state will still be way better than if I had done nothing to be in a good place.

So with that said…some of my top things to prepare for / handle yelling moments:

BEFORE the DESIRE to YELL – setting up for success 

  1. Identify what problems might arise and problem solve (for me – malls are hot and crowded and make me cranky so now I wear t-shirts. No joke. And I always leave the jacket in the car. Carrying it makes me even crankier.) Also, practice. What will you do? How will you respond? What will you say? Knowing is MORE than half the battle 😉
  2. Drink lots of water and eat balanced meals (Kids and parents, alike!) – I know, this is annoying to freakin’ read but it is relevant. I do not want to get into a nutritional debate. But, hanger is a real thing. Dehydration doesn’t help. I have learned as I have aged that Pizza and I? We had to break up. It was tragic. One of my worst breakups ever. Pizza truly made me cranky. I have also broken up with ice cream sundaes. And bagels with cream cheese. My world is a little less without these foods BUT the few moments of joy they brought me were increasingly LESS than the crankiness and bickering that came after.
  3. Exercise (parents and kids alike, again!) – Moving the body, works wonders, endorphins and all that good stuff. Plus if done together, connection and sometimes even problem solving because it is easier to share problems walking next to each other not staring into each other’s eyes 😉
  4. Do something relaxing / enjoyable for even just a few minutes – doesn’t matter what. When my kids come home every other weekend, it is super stressful. Really hard. I always try to sit and do something just for me for 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. It can be anything – think out of the box. What makes you happy? Just think about that. Think about a favorite memory. A future trip.
  5. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It truly is medicine. TRIGGER is totally STARTING to get to you.
  6. Find a baby picture – or a happy picture – remember your child is indeed a sweet, loving, innocent child. They aren’t trying to be bad. They are in need and don’t know how to better communicate. Happy pictures also release endorphins.
  7. Release it and “yell” productively and proactively – but say something totally and utterly different. OOGASCHMOOGABOOGA!!! This was an old one, but a favorite. It made us all laugh because it is ridiculous sounding and fun to say. If I opened my mouth to yell I would pause and then burst into that. Took practice – but getting out the yell productively, released that emotion. The intensity needs to get out – let it out or it will come out in other not so good ways! Also – yell into the freezer (cold air, works wonders), get your kids and run around outside yelling while playing tag or whatever (bonus – fresh air and exercise)
  8. Turn the lights down – two effects (1) makes kids stop because they are all what the heck just happened so not only have they stopped you have their attention and (2) it reduces sensory overload and induces a more relaxing environment oh and (3) forces a pause for everyone which gives you a chance to re-group mentally.
  9. And now a trick brought to you by my therapist. 5-4-3-2-1 senses. Notice 5 things you can see – 4 things you can hear – 3 things you can smell – 2 things you can touch – 1 thing you can taste. I apply the senses to any number but the point is all senses assigned to a number. This brings you into the present moment which again, allows you to re-group and respond instead of yell.
  10. Remind yourself: it isn’t an emergency. Yelling isn’t needed. Yelling won’t truly work – it won’t truly de-escalate the situation, it won’t motivate long-term, it won’t build a connection to prevent the same situation from happening again. Yelling will likely make things worse. Yelling really isn’t what you want to do. This tough moment will indeed pass AND You can get through it – and will get through it – without yelling because you, you my friend are a freakin’ Orange Rhino.

A strong, determined, peaceful and powerful person. So go head, respond – really, problem solve – that really annoying trigger without yelling – use a quiet voice because kids have to work harder to listen.

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Do I Need Right Now? The Question I Keep Coming Back To

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I want to share a question with you that I ask myself often. Well, I guess it is several questions, all variations of the same. But of course I am going to share it within a story 🙂

I sit here typing, struggling. I think I have another mild concussion or at least whiplash. May 5, 2017 I was in a car accident. Major concussion. It sucked. I got out of the car then (didn’t realize how bad my symptoms were yet) and saw that I had been hit by a brand new driver. She was in tears and the fear in her face just melted my mama heart. Any anger I could have felt disappeared.

My brand new car that I bought all by myself post divorce, a car that represented my new start, was destroyed and yet I didn’t feel an ounce of anger at that moment.

Instead, I focused my energy on soothing this young teenager.

“I am okay.” I promised her. “Your parents will be happy you are okay.” I reassured her. “Listen, everyone has a first accident. You are lucky it was your parents car and not your own and now you have it out of the way!” I said, trying to make her smile.

She just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I just kept saying, “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay, it’s going to be okay!” Maybe I was in shock.

Maybe I truly felt more empathy than anger at that point. Or maybe I was just in full on Orange Rhino mode and knew that yelling wasn’t worth it. (Maybe, it was all three.) Honestly, what good would yelling have achieved?

Would it have made my car new again? No.
Would it have made my neck stop aching? No.
Would it have made her feel any better? No.
Would it have made her feel a heck of a lot worse and therefore an even more nervous driver for months to come and therefore more prone for accidents? Yes.
Would it have made me physically feel worse? Yes.

Yelling would have done me no good. I am glad that I didn’t yell then. Absolutely no upside.

Back to the present day. Ever since that concussion back in 2017, the mildest thing can set my head off, even not getting into a car accident. Sunday night I was driving my boys to dinner. I was going down a very small hill, totally going the speed limit, when a car at the bottom was clearly not yielding. I had the right of way. We were about to slam into each other. It was either going to be a head-on collision or I was going to be nailed right in the driver’s side door. Full speed.

When I say fear consumed me at that moment, that second, it is an understatement. Saying I saw my life flash before my eyes is an overstatement and yet, feels really close to the best statement. Holy sh*t.

I slammed on my brakes so freakin’ hard and they screeched and jerked (along with my entire body and especially my neck) as my minivan violently but quickly came to a halt inches, centimeters (?) from the other driver’s car. My left arm immediately went up and pointed to the yield sign and I mouthed the words “Yield! You have a yield.”

My right arm remained where it always goes – in front of my front seat passenger. My right arm had gone out to protect my son just as fast as my foot went to slam on the breaks. As I began to drive forward, the driver rolled down his window and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”

Somehow, despite being completely freaking scared and triggered, I calmly replied, “I am just glad no one got hurt.” I then drove on and well, promptly burst into tears.

One son asked why I was crying. I said, “Well, that was just really scary and I am just so relieved and happy we are okay. I really meant that.”

Another son asked, “Why didn’t you yell at him? Tell him what a jerk driver he was?”

My response? “Well, what good would that have done? What would it have achieved? It wouldn’t have made things better? In fact it could have made things worse? What if my yelling really pissed him off and he got angry instead of apologetic and started a fight? Nobody got hurt. We are all okay. We are safe. Yelling wasn’t going to achieve anything. And besides, how can I yell at a car that looks like Rudolph?”

I meant what I said to him. What good would yelling have done? We all know fundamentally yelling doesn’t do any good. But I often remind myself of that when I can remember too 😉

When I am starting to get agitated – especially with teenagers – I ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve?”

And then when I find myself getting cranky or even yelling…
“Is yelling helping me get what I want/need?”

“Is yelling worth it?”

And then when I find myself even more annoyed with the situation…
“Am I making the situation better or worse by yelling?”

These questions do help ground me and either prevent me from yelling or using a nasty tone or help reel me back in.

Do I remember them all the time?! No. Of course not. BUT with practice, they become more natural. Or with repetition. The more I remind myself that yelling isn’t worth it, the more I remember to find a better, more productive path.

So while I didn’t yell at the gentleman who almost slammed into my family 🙁 I did yell at my family Monday night. All day Monday my body hurt, my head throbbed and everything was freakin’ blurry. I felt like crap. I assumed it was my new medication. I was so moody with my boys. I apologized but still. I was not fun to be around. I put myself to bed early.

Yesterday was better but still symptoms. No yelling though. Why? It dawned on me as I fell asleep holding my head Monday night that I probably had a mild concussion from the whip lash of slamming on the breaks so hard. Understanding of what is going on in our minds and bodies – of our triggers – can do wonders. It doesn’t excuse them, but it explains them which oddly enough helps calm them a little.

Here’s to a Wednesday of gently reminding ourselves that yelling doesn’t really work and that finding our triggers and understanding them does really work!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When a Conversation About Weight Is Really About Self-Worth

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I hesitate to share this post because I don’t really want to get into my weight and all that but something happened recently that led to a great insight that I want to share. So as you read this realize it really isn’t about my weight 🙂 Okay, onward!

A few weeks before Thanksgiving I saw my primary doctor for my annual visit. She asked me if I had any concerns and I laughed and said, “where do I start?!” I shared my biggest one: my weight. I told her I knew that my weight was of concern given that I was well overweight and that I am pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and High Blood Pressure (already borderline there).

I shared everything that I was doing and that my biggest concern was that despite doing everything “right” nothing was working. She shared my concerns and referred me to a different doctor for a more detailed workup.

The next day I found myself starting to get super frustrated and down on myself about my weight. My mind started to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking and all the “I can’t do this anymore, I am so tired of my weight” but then I somehow, miraculously, said to myself, “You have a plan. Do not worry. You have a plan. You have an appointment with the new doctor and you are going to figure this whole weight thing out. Just be patient.”

Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt calm. My brain stopped in its tracks and the negative thinking subsided.

The mere statement, “I have a plan” gave me hope.
Gave me reassurance.
Gave me peace.
Gave me calm.
Gave me power.

Never has a statement or mantra worked so well for me. It was golden. I was so excited! Fast forward a week. It is the day of my appointment and I am actually excited for this appointment that is the first step in my plan to help with my weight – to help with my struggle – to help with an area where I am working so hard and getting nowhere and feeling so dejected. This appointment wasn’t about my weight anymore, it was about my well being.

The appointment was a virtual one and actually wasn’t with the doctor. It was with the intake coordinator to figure out who was the best fit in the practice. Two hours before said appointment I got a phone call, “Hi, we have an appointment at 11. I was looking at your BMI and your file and while yes you are indeed overweight (oh thank you very much for that by the way the indeed was really a nice added touch) you aren’t overweight ENOUGH and even though you are pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and have the markers, you aren’t diabetic yet. You don’t qualify for help.”

Folks, I had to even stop typing right now because even writing this story, the disbelief and anger left me without words. I get it – a lot of people need help and the office needs parameters so they can help the most in needed.

But here I am, legitimately also needing help and not able to get it until things get worse. I was so shocked – and so sad and discouraged – that I could barely ask follow up questions. She did say I should follow up with my Thyroid doctor and I told her I had an appointment but not for three months.

She said I could try a nutritionist in the group and I said I don’t need help with that, I am already doing that and it isn’t working. Something in my body isn’t clicking, isn’t working. I need help, I reiterated. I basically only got an, “I’m sorry. Best of of luck.”

I needed help and I was denied it.

I had a plan and it was destroyed.

I was left feeling so incredibly discouraged. Beyond discouraged.

This was weeks ago and I have really struggled since with motivation to keep going with my current plan of eating healthy, exercising, drinking more water, getting good sleep, etc… because it feels like a moot point. It is so hard to work on something without progress, is it not?

 And yet, I need to keep going with this current plan because I know the doctor in three months will ask if I did all of these things. It is so hard to follow a plan that doesn’t really feel much like a solid plan anymore.

Which brings me back to the beginning. I was so excited for my doctor’s appointment because it gave me a plan which gave me hope.

Knowing that I was taking a step in the right direction
– that I was going to have support
– that there would be actual help and tools and guidance
– that I would make progress
– that my challenge would be made easier
– all of this gave me hope and motivation.

And through all of these feelings one thing kept coming to mind. And it wasn’t my weight. It was The Orange Rhino. I don’t want you all to lose hope like I have. I don’t want you all to feel denied of help. I don’t want you all to feel discouraged. I want you all to have a plan to yell less.

So two things:
(1) Track your triggers – notice when and why and where you yell. Because when you have those pieces of information, you can create a plan, a roadmap of how to tackle those moments, those triggers and you can start having an easier time making progress at yelling less and loving more. Trigger awareness will allow you to say to yourself in a moment when you feel discouraged and want to stop trying, “Wait, I have a Plan.”

(2) Coming January (all fingers crossed that I get my sh*t together), in some shape or form, I will be doing some sort of either 30-Day Challenge or Book Club or Trigger Tracking Workshop. Something. I don’t know what. But I can help. And I want to.

So there ya go. Please don’t take away from this post “The Orange Rhino doesn’t like her weight.” Instead take away the powerful mantra, “I have a plan.” And go and start creating one today, one trigger at a time! Go and plan how to manage/respond one trigger today and you will be on your way to yelling less than you did yesterday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino