Grief | The Orange Rhino Challenge®

I did not expect to respond the way I did. I thought it would be easy, seamless, but it wasn’t. I mean it was, until I was alone. Then it hit me hard. Since I dropped my son at college in August, I’ve had the privilege of seeing him four times before this past weekend! Granted one of those was the ER visit, and all were quick visits, but still, they were touch points. They were moments to see him, tell him I love him, laugh together, share a meal, care for him, etc.

I left each time feeling okay, so it was easy. I surprised myself each time I left. I didn’t cry, not even a tear. My son was thriving, happy, so I felt happy, good. But yesterday, something hit different and I cried the minute I got in my minivan to drive home. Maybe it was because this time as we drove up to campus – arriving together from our home, he said, “ah, feels good to be back home.” Ouch.

And also, yes. There was so much truth in his statement, and it was a statement he should feel, that I would want him to feel. I so very much want him to feel that the college he chose feels like home. Home *should* feel safe, welcoming, supportive, loving, fun and for my son, his college experience currently feels like home, and that is a mother’s dream come true. But it also hurts, a good hurt because he is good, but a sad one too, you know?

A total grorange moment. Sad because it reminds me of the truth of where we are in life; of the changing season. It reminds me that he now spends more time away from me, than with me. It reminds me that he now is on his own, as he should be, and that our togetherness is just different. Not bad, just different.

It reminds me of all the doubts I still carry about the times we had in our *home*

Did I get it right? (Is there even a right? Yes and no.)
Did I do good? (I did my best and still try, we all do.)
Did I do enough? (I did what I could with what I knew at the time, with what energy I had under the circumstances, at the time.)
Did I create a home that was just as happy to come home to as he feels about college? (I know not a fair comparison, I can’t and won’t compare to college friends!)
Did I create a home that felt safe, loving, welcoming, supportive, and all the good things a home should be? (I sure as heck tried and think I did an okay job. That I feel confident saying.)
Did I show up for him the way I wanted to as a mom? (Yes and no, but when I think of the no, I also think of how I then made changes and that counts. None of us are perfect.)

So yeah, lol a simple drop off yesterday was quite emotional afterwards. Who knew. –>That’s the thing. Big emotions, you never know when they are going to just appear. Gray Happens folks and that’s okay.

We still show up and work through ’em. Let’s be real, we show up because what’s the alternative? It’s one we don’t want. Ignoring the gray bites us in the arse later on, leaves us feeling even heavier, so showing is a good choice, even if it kinda stinks in the moment.

We show up because that’s who we are; because we choose to even though it’s hard. We choose to show up because we are determined to work through the gray – whatever it is, grief, challenges, obstacles, heavy emotions, feeling blech, light emotions, whatever – so we can get to feeling better, lighter.

So yep, I sat there, processing, wondering, questioning, enjoying the sun on my face as I cried softly, college kids walking by no doubt seeing me. Oh well. Eventually I was done:) I started the car and headed to the nearest 7-11 to get a diet coke and peanut m&m’s for my drive home, my go-to comfort foods for the longish drive. They feel like home to me;) A little while into my drive home, I called my kiddo, told him I loved him, how proud I was of him and how happy I am that he feels at home at college.

It was all true, even if the truth also feels a little sad. Grorange. Both/and. When Gray Happens, We Show Up. However you wanna say it. It’s all true. It felt good to talk to him. And no lie, it also felt good to come home to just 3 kids because I miss my oldest and also, 3 kids is easier in some ways! Oh the complexities of life;) How about you? How are you feeling today? Gray and charge-y? Orange and all warm and fuzzy and determined?

Gr—>orange? All of the above?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are feeling a little off, but also perhaps a little lighter, after spending fall break with your kiddo.

xoxo Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

*Trigger warning, perhaps grab tissues, I know I should have* I wasn’t able to keep up with all the supportive comments yesterday as I received some devastating news midday. Oddly enough, it was right in keeping with the message of yesterday’s post – BE KIND. Every December I write a post (shoot, and here come the tears again, they kinda haven’t stopped since yesterday afternoon) about the first Christmas after I got divorced.

I got divorced in November. It was either a few days before or after Thanksgiving. How’s that for timing? Needless to say I wasn’t really feeling the holiday spirit and if you have followed me long enough, you know I LOVE Christmas. Like, it’s my favorite time of year. It was hard that year though, for obvious reasons. I felt lonelier than ever. I felt worse about myself, than ever. I felt more doubt about my future, than ever.

I felt more down, than ever. So yeah, it was hard knowing Christmas was coming and that I wasn’t in the spirit? Well that just made it harder. I didn’t want to miss out on something so important to me. I just couldn’t lift my own spirits. Christmas for me isn’t about getting presents; it’s about creating magic and memories for and with my kids.

That said, it is nice to receive at least one gift and know that someone is thinking of you, you know? I knew that year, there wouldn’t be any presents for me under the tree when I came down Christmas morning. I knew I would have to wait until my parents arrived later that afternoon. This was a hard pill to swallow and it was bringing my spirits down even more. Right before the holiday break though, a package was delivered to my door.

I was PTO president that year and had become close with the Principal. We shared a lot in common. She too was going through a divorce. She too loved talking about leadership and obviously education. She too had children with ADHD. And she too, clearly liked to do nice things for others because the package was from her. “DREAM.” How appropriate. That is what the handwritten ornament said that laid on the coziest blanket I had yet to own.

Included was also a gift card to Barnes & Noble, Victoria’s Secret, and one to Dunkin’ Donuts. It was a gift basket inviting me to get some cozy pajamas, a hot cup of coffee and then curl up and read a good book. It was a gift to ensure that when I was by myself over the break, I had something to do…that I wasn’t totally “by myself.” The tears came to my eyes then, as they do now, the minute I saw the gift. The thoughtfulness was second to none.

That was in 2016. Nine years ago and it still, STILL warms my heart. That gift got me through my first Christmas divorced. That gift made me

*feel seen
*feel understood
*feel supported
*feel a heck of a lot less alone.

That gift gave me a “flicker of light,” to get through the holiday season. It was the nudge I needed to keep going on the hard days, the days I wanted to crawl back and in bed and hide or just bawl my eyes out.

That gift was a lifeline. It invited me to dream of the future; of better moments, of better days, of better feelings. I learned yesterday that the gift giver passed away unexpectedly. My heart broke when I read the news. I used the phrase “flicker of light” directly from her obituary.

Turns out, she had been the recipient of many “flickers of light” in her own life, during many of her own challenges, of which she had plenty and honestly, way too many. Her family was as grateful to those who gave to her, as I was to her. It was those “flickers of light” that kept my “gift giver” going for all the years that life tried so hard to weigh her down. She was often misunderstood.

But to me? Well, I understood her. And to me she had been nothing, absolutely nothing, but kind, thoughtful. To me, she had been one of the few people willing to listen to me. BE REAL during a REALly hard time. There aren’t a lot of people who have the heart, the courage, or the willingness to do that. I will never, ever forget that gift. I won’t forget the physical gift either, but the gift of letting me be real? Of letting me feel seen and understood? I won’t forget that either.

So I repeat, Be Kind, you never know the power or impact of one small action. And to my gift giver, one last thank you. Thank you for the gifts, and thank you for doing what you loved to do in your last days – teach. Although I wish your passing didn’t have to be what made me really, REALly come to full realization of what I wanted to do with my life, it did.

You taught me what my heart has always wanted and gave me the clarity I’ve been seeking for years. You gave me a final gift. Thank you, again. Your kindness of spirit will continue, I promise. Rest in peace. You deserve it. And to everyone here in this community, thank you for being here. Thank you for being kind, because I know you are. You always show such kindness to me and to everyone here through your comments.

Here, I
*feel seen
*feel understood
*feel supported
*feel a heck of a lot less alone and that, well that is just amazing. I hope you feel the same.

Sending my warmth, to go with your strength, today and always, and today I also send the reminder that it’s okay if you aren’t feeling strong today. Here, here you don’t have to be. Here, you can breathe, be at ease, and let your guard down. You don’t have to have it all together here.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

To everyone who is new here since yesterday, welcome and sorry for such a heavy post as your introduction to this community!

That said, this is me! I write about everything on my heart. I don’t hide. I believe in being real and I don’t really know any other way;) Besides, I know that we must experience the ups and the downs in life; the grays and the oranges so that we can truly live the life we want and be the person we want. We need the warm, uplifting orange moments to make the grays bearable and the grays well, gray happens. We can’t ignore them.

We need to acknowledge them and move through them so they don’t grow and cast a huge shadow on the bright, orange moments.

Tag Archives: Grief

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