As we go into what I am sure will be an extra busy weekend for many – being the weekend before Christmas and the 1st night of Hanukkah – I thought I would share some of my top 10 tips for Not Yelling at your kids. I am gonna warn you though – the list might not be what you expect.
When I challenged myself to go an entire year without yelling at my kids (then ages 5 and under), my assumption was that I was going to learn how to “improve” my kids’ behavior, how to get them to listen better, respond faster, fight less, and all that stuff so that they gave me less reasons to yell.
Because you know they were the majority of the problem – or so I thought. I quickly learned, by tracking when and why I yelled, that while some of their behaviors were indeed triggers, a lot of these triggers came from me and own crap. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” stuff. I quickly learned that while I was indeed triggered by their not listening, the yelling wasn’t because of the trigger – the yelling was because I wasn’t in a place to manage the trigger!
The real trigger was me.
My mood.
My problems.
My life.
My past.
Blech.
Don’t get me wrong. My kids’ behaviors could (is!) still be triggering, but in learning to not yell, I had to look at the whole picture and find solutions to all the triggers. And what I have really come to learn since my book came out and I was forced to reflect on what was next, is that what happens all the many moments before “the yelling trigger” are just as important as the exact moment you want to yell.
Just think about it. I hate using battle as an example but…no, I just can’t. I need to come up with something better.
Okay – pick any big moment.
Job interview.
Breaking up with someone.
Going to divorce court.
Meeting with a friend over a personal issue.
How well you handle that tough emotional moment depends on so many things – but how you go into it, how calm, confident, prepared makes a world of difference. Of course there is only so much one can do to control everything before the tough moment.
I mean knowing me – I can do everything I do to be mentally ready – and then do what I do best and slip on non-slippery pavement and fall into the smallest puddle ever and spill the one drop of coffee left on the one white polka dot on my shirt – and then become all frazzled and poof! Mental state begone BUT my mental state will still be way better than if I had done nothing to be in a good place.
So with that said…some of my top things to prepare for / handle yelling moments:
BEFORE the DESIRE to YELL – setting up for success
- Identify what problems might arise and problem solve (for me – malls are hot and crowded and make me cranky so now I wear t-shirts. No joke. And I always leave the jacket in the car. Carrying it makes me even crankier.) Also, practice. What will you do? How will you respond? What will you say? Knowing is MORE than half the battle 😉
- Drink lots of water and eat balanced meals (Kids and parents, alike!) – I know, this is annoying to freakin’ read but it is relevant. I do not want to get into a nutritional debate. But, hanger is a real thing. Dehydration doesn’t help. I have learned as I have aged that Pizza and I? We had to break up. It was tragic. One of my worst breakups ever. Pizza truly made me cranky. I have also broken up with ice cream sundaes. And bagels with cream cheese. My world is a little less without these foods BUT the few moments of joy they brought me were increasingly LESS than the crankiness and bickering that came after.
- Exercise (parents and kids alike, again!) – Moving the body, works wonders, endorphins and all that good stuff. Plus if done together, connection and sometimes even problem solving because it is easier to share problems walking next to each other not staring into each other’s eyes 😉
- Do something relaxing / enjoyable for even just a few minutes – doesn’t matter what. When my kids come home every other weekend, it is super stressful. Really hard. I always try to sit and do something just for me for 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. It can be anything – think out of the box. What makes you happy? Just think about that. Think about a favorite memory. A future trip.
- Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It truly is medicine. TRIGGER is totally STARTING to get to you.
- Find a baby picture – or a happy picture – remember your child is indeed a sweet, loving, innocent child. They aren’t trying to be bad. They are in need and don’t know how to better communicate. Happy pictures also release endorphins.
- Release it and “yell” productively and proactively – but say something totally and utterly different. OOGASCHMOOGABOOGA!!! This was an old one, but a favorite. It made us all laugh because it is ridiculous sounding and fun to say. If I opened my mouth to yell I would pause and then burst into that. Took practice – but getting out the yell productively, released that emotion. The intensity needs to get out – let it out or it will come out in other not so good ways! Also – yell into the freezer (cold air, works wonders), get your kids and run around outside yelling while playing tag or whatever (bonus – fresh air and exercise)
- Turn the lights down – two effects (1) makes kids stop because they are all what the heck just happened so not only have they stopped you have their attention and (2) it reduces sensory overload and induces a more relaxing environment oh and (3) forces a pause for everyone which gives you a chance to re-group mentally.
- And now a trick brought to you by my therapist. 5-4-3-2-1 senses. Notice 5 things you can see – 4 things you can hear – 3 things you can smell – 2 things you can touch – 1 thing you can taste. I apply the senses to any number but the point is all senses assigned to a number. This brings you into the present moment which again, allows you to re-group and respond instead of yell.
- Remind yourself: it isn’t an emergency. Yelling isn’t needed. Yelling won’t truly work – it won’t truly de-escalate the situation, it won’t motivate long-term, it won’t build a connection to prevent the same situation from happening again. Yelling will likely make things worse. Yelling really isn’t what you want to do. This tough moment will indeed pass AND You can get through it – and will get through it – without yelling because you, you my friend are a freakin’ Orange Rhino.
A strong, determined, peaceful and powerful person. So go head, respond – really, problem solve – that really annoying trigger without yelling – use a quiet voice because kids have to work harder to listen.
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
