When You’re Tired of Being Called Strong: What Barely Hanging On Feels Like

Posted on September 6, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

On Being “Strong” The truth is, right now, I am just barely hanging on. I’m not processing much – just getting through each day. I could take this post in so many different directions. I’m barely hanging on because…it’s been a long summer….it’s back to school and I’m excited for routine AND ALSO need to create the new schedules and figure out who goes where and when and HOW the heck I am going to make it happen….the house needs fixing and while making calls, something else broke….I have big dreams and goals and trying to achieve them and run a home is overwhelming at times.

And also, extra barely hanging on because while I was so excited for back to school because it meant a few extra hours for myself this week to manage all of the above…last Thursday around 12:43, my dreams of time to chill and get life in order came to a screeching halt.

I got a call from the doctor’s office that my skin biopsy was indeed my third basal cell skin cancer and that I needed surgery…again…and ASAP…and oh by the way, “So we have an opening next week, Thursday, September 7th, how about that day?”

My response, “Oh well yes, actually. That is my first week with kids back to school and I would love nothing more than to spend it having nose surgery.” Yes, I actually said this while laughing. And yes the nurse on the other line laughed back.

And then we had a moment of solidarity as I said, “Well if this isn’t Life and Motherhood defined.” I commented. “Get time to myself and this is how I will spend it.”

“Yes, yes it is.” she said.

The procedure itself, no big deal. Been there done that. But It’s the closing up I am worried about and I have spent most of last week and this week so far frantically finding the right doctor – with availability – to do the plastic surgery closing so that my nose looks normal afterwards. It has been a whirlwind. I am tired. No time to process this crap situation. Just go, go, go. Strong, strong, strong.

Sometimes it is nice to be strong and resilient. It is powering me through this week. I have no other choice right now – I need to be strong so I can plan this surgery AND get my kids back to school (and to not freak them out.) But I can’t wait to crash and cry to be honest. I am scared of how I will look.

When I had eyelid cancer I lost half of my lower eyelid. The doctor doesn’t know how much of the tip of my nose I will lose. It’s funny. My entire teen years I begged my parents to save for a nose job instead of college. I hated my nose.

Now? Now, I am afraid to lose my nose. I have grown to like my nose. Oh how times change. Oh how suddenly we realize what we have is good enough all along… Sending warmth and strength to you all today… STRENGTH if you need it…and also STRENGTH to say to friends and family, “I need a break from being ‘strong,’ I need you all to be strong for me.” It’s okay to not be strong in the typical sense, sometimes. We don’t need to be strong all the time 😉 A lot more on this later, when my mind is more clear.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What My Childhood Toys Taught Me About the Mom I Thought I’d Be

Posted on July 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I had Barbie dolls. But she wasn’t my favorite. Nope. Sorry Barbie. I loved the oh-so-perfect, obviously never yelled, The Heart Family: the mom, the dad, and twin brother and sister. Barbie was cool and all, but she wasn’t a mom and at age seven, being a mom was way cooler to me than any Barbie, no matter how many amazing outfits or accessories she had. Besides, The Heart Family had the nursery set up (with adorable spare diapers, of course, even Barbie babies have blowouts), the Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible with car seats (of course!) and the family camper for fun family vacations.

I had all of these and they were better than any surf board or roller skate set. Any piece that would make this Family complete and happy as can be that I didn’t have, I asked for incessantly. Oh I loved playing in this dreamland of being a happy, peaceful mom. And beyond The Heart Family, I had dolls galore who I rocked and nurtured and loved like no other.

I just couldn’t wait to be a mom!

To give love.

To create love.

To be gentle.

To be kind.

To be there when someone cried.

To be there when they were in pain and needed soothing (by burping of course, no boo boo’s for these babies who weren’t crawling yet.)

I had so many visions of what life as a mom would look like. Obviously my clothes would be better than The Heart Family. I mean, still pinks and blues, but less poof and lace!

What I never, ever, ever envisioned? Yelling at my babies, my kids.

I soothed my dolls. I had The Heart Family mom talk sweetly to her babies as she smiled effortlessly, just like the pictures.

So that is how I would be when I was older. Duh. So where did my yelling come from? That wasn’t what I practiced as a little girl? That wasn’t how I planned things? That wasn’t who I was. I didn’t yell at people. Sure, as a little girl and even as I grew up, I had sensory meltdowns and yelled OUT but never AT people. I love people. I live to be kind to people, to spread kindness.

Yet here I was. Four sweet kids under five. Yelling at them.

For all the play and practicing I did interacting with people, as a little girl all the way to becoming a mom…how did I not learn this one very important skill? How did I never know to learn this skill? How did no one ever mention to even learn this skill? How did I not see anyone directly practice this skill? The skill? Actually skills?

What the heck to do when feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, how the heck to prevent the feelings in the first place, all so you don’t yell. Why didn’t I know this skill? Because no one talked about not yelling as a skill to learn…because it was either accepted or so deeply not accepted that you didn’t talk about it. Add that to the fact that I historically didn’t yell, and why would I even think about honing this skill?! Am I excusing my yelling? Of course not.

What I am doing is forgiving myself.

What I am doing is letting go of some of the guilt, the shame, that I harbored for so long.

What I am doing is loving myself the way I loved my baby dolls when I was seven.

What I am doing is saying, “Hey, I yelled more than I liked. I was as prepared for motherhood as I could be. Yelling was a surprise to me. I didn’t have the skills at the time. That wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person. It just means, I didn’t have the skills. So I got them. And I learned to manage my triggers and yell less.”

I haven’t seen the Barbie movie yet. I absolutely can’t wait! I have no idea how it turns out, but I know this. She goes to reality.

And I bet in the real world, if she does run into The Heart Family, her supposed friends, they will find themselves in a stressed moment and even though they are “perfect,” they will yell. They will yell not on purpose. Not because they are bad parents. Not because they are bad people. But because life is real, with aspects out of our control.And because life is real stressful, with experiences that hit us deeply.

Even when we are totally, utterly prepared and practiced…yelling happens. People are not invincible in the real world. We have feelings and histories. We get triggered and fall flat on our feet. And we yell. And so, we forgive ourselves. And we learn. And we teach our kids so that as they grow up, they have some of the skills we perhaps didn’t.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Parenting Advice That Was Hurting My Mental Health

Posted on March 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Warning: potentially unpopular opinion coming up. There is a widely used “core parenting statement/belief” that I recently realized has contributed in a somewhat harmful way to my own mental health and I want to address it. I’d like to say that I am prepared for backlash – but I know that I am not. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t deal well with controversy. But, I feel strongly that the message I am about to share needs to be heard because when I figured it out, I felt so much better about myself as a parent, as a person.

The shame, self-ridicule and intense pressure I put on myself as mom dropped tenfold when I stopped fully accepting and following this popular parenting belief shared and told by many a psychologist. And this statement isn’t just shared by psychologists in articles online and undoubtedly in books. It is widely shared in pretty square boxes with pretty fonts and images on Facebook and Instagram. It is shared on reels with relaxing, meant to be encouraging music.

The parenting belief is with good intention – it is meant to inspire us to be good parents. It is meant to help us raise our children with strong emotional iq, mindset, resiliency etc…. It is definitely meant to teach us something our parents might not have been taught and it definitely is not meant to shame us or put pressure on us.

And yet… I found myself bawling my eyes out in my minivan recently because of this darn supposedly helpful, gentle, encouraging, parenting reminder. I found myself bawling my eyes out because I had just dropped one of my sons off and we had just had a tough conversation about how things were going for him. He was having a hard time with something or other and said something negative about himself. He hurt and I hurt for him, oh did I ever.

And I hurt because I couldn’t help but wonder, as I often do as a mom, is this my fault? Did I mess up as a parent? Did I miss something? Did I not do a good enough job?

So before pulling away I went on my phone to admittedly, numb the pain for a bit. To avoid the feelings of yuck. To hopefully see something up-lifting. And sure enough, I saw some pretty image with different colored words and it was soothing to look at. Until I read the words.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

and BOOM there it was, the ever so popular parenting statement. I went from crying to bawling.

See, it was my fault. My son’s inner voice was being cruel to him so it must be my fault. I must have talked to him that way. Right? I must have said something incredibly mean and cruel to him because now he talked that way to himself. Clearly my words had become my son’s inner voice because that is what Facebook was telling me…as it had taught forever. I mean this saying has been EVERYWHERE and I mean everywhere for years. Years! I have seen it since the days I started writing as The Orange Rhino. I have never doubted it, never challenged it.

At first, I didn’t get it. Perhaps because my kids were young. But as they grew, I understood it more and I fully embraced it. Yes! Yes, that makes sense. My kids internalize what I say to them, what I say about them, how I say things to them – and even how I talk about myself. They watch me, mirror me, learn from me. They are learning to speak to themselves the way I speak to them and speak to myself. Yes, I get this, I believe it. “The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” Yes, true.

But there needs to be an asterisk or an edit. Because without that, this statement is a little dangerous in my opinion.

Here’s the challenge. This statement – while generally true – puts ALL the pressure on the parent to develop the child’s inner voice. It doesn’t mean to (and maybe it is just my experience) but it does.

And that is A LOT of pressure. A lot. One’s inner voice is super important. Like uber important. If one’s inner voice is too cruel, it can lead to severe depression and worse. (And if it is all the parent’s job to develop it – and the child develops a negative inner voice – then what will happen to the parent’s inner voice? See where I am going?)

I do not take inner voices lightly, which is why I do my best as a mom to watch how I talk to my kids…and why I will continue to. I absolutely want to help them develop a kind and loving inner voice. Heck to the yes on that!

But this statement – putting all the pressure on me?! That’s heavy and it’s inaccurate. Yes, as a parent we accept a certain level of responsibility – where it correctly lies. It lies here, on helping to develop our child’s inner voice, but not 100%.

In my fully accepting this parenting belief, I fully negatively impacted my own mental health. Not good.

After I stopped crying, I suddenly had an AHA moment. A major, life changing one. An, I can breathe one.

Something my son said suddenly clicked for me. He commented about something that happened years ago. He then commented about something that happened in an online game. He was commenting about all social interactions happening here and there and today and then. He was telling me what the asterisk to the comment was.

I said to myself, “What a freakin’ second. Hold the phone. This statement is outright WRONG. I am not the only voice my son hears. Yes, I am part of it and yes I have made mistakes and at times said the wrong thing. I am human. But there is more.

The world hasn’t always been kind to him either. My son’s inner voice? It doesn’t develop just from me. It also develops from everyone in his life and how they talk to him. How his peers do. How online video game strangers do. How teachers do. How strangers do with the looks they give. How advertisements do. I am not the only person talking to my son. I am not the only person contributing to his inner voice. This is not my fault. I am a good loving parent. The way we talk to our children becomes (insert) PART of their inner voice*

*And also, so does the way the world talks to them.”

And I cry again. Why?

Because I hurt for my son and how the world wasn’t so nice to him at times, how loudly and repeatedly it talked to him. And also, perhaps more so, because my inner voice is cruel to me sometimes.

Because I have been telling myself that my son’s negative voice is all my fault, that I failed my son.

Because I have been putting all the pressure on myself to be the best parent, to speak to my children flawlessly to help build their inner voices.

Because there are so many voices out there telling me how to be a better parent; telling me which rules to follow to ensure I don’t screw my child up; telling me to do this, to do that.

Because there are so many voices out there with innocent messages about parenting that I feel like if I am not trying to improve as a parent that I am failing. I know, ironic coming from someone literally writing a parenting piece. I am well aware. Beyond aware.

Every day I struggle with this exact challenge of mine and every time I write, I try to make sure my messaging is what I want. I do not want to add to the voices that add pressure to parents to do better.

I do not want to add to your critical inner voice – I want to help yours and my inner voices to be kinder. I want to help my sons’ inner voices to be kinder. Because we all deserve kind and loving messages.

So here are yours for today. You are a good parent. You are doing a great job. You do not need to be perfect. You are doing your best. You do not need to carry all the responsibility for how your child turns out because there are invisible factors at play you can’t control – and visible factors at play you can’t control. Let go of all the pressure you put on yourself. You deserve kindness – and that includes telling yourself you are a good parent. ©2023 The Orange Rhino

Note: The Orange Rhino stands for warmth and positivity, amongst other things. I deserve kind and loving messages too – as does the original creator of the comment. Again, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the statement. If you do not agree with this post, I ask that you refrain from negative commenting – towards me and towards the creator of the statement.

I welcome differing opinions in the right tone and right forum, but if your comment is neither, I will delete without hesitation. Thank you for understanding and for sharing messages that support and build people up, not taking them down.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Never-Ending Dishwasher Cycle — and the Tiny Thing That Makes It Better

Posted on March 15, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

This is my favorite time of the night <insert sarcasm> It’s when I realize that we need to empty the dishwasher so that we can…

load the dishwasher so that…

the counter is clear so that…

I can cook dinner only so that…

I can make a mess again and have more dirty dishes and pans so that…

we can empty the dishwasher and load it, yet again.

The only saving grace?! The dish soap. It’s a pretty blue. I look at it and pretend it is the ocean.

No joke. Ya gotta do what you gotta do to get through the monotony!

Oh the other saving grace? In between the loading of the dishwasher is Chicken Parmesan and what is better than that? Ooey gooey bubbly cheesy goodness coming up!

Oh, I know what is better. It is the ONE MEAL all my kids eat not only without complaining but with COMPLIMENTS. Compliments people. Actually, “Mom, this is the best meal ever, you are amazing!”

So dishes be loaded.

Counters be cleaned.

It shall be worth it. (She says on repeat so she doesn’t lose her sh*t in the process!)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Should You Help Your Teen Clean Their Room? The Question That Changed My Approach

Posted on February 9, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Do I help my teen clean his room? The answer yesterday was a game changer. This was the question of the day after school yesterday.

This particular child’s room has been a disgusting mess for days on end (for decent reason which I am not gonna get into.) He did his laundry – awesome – however it now decorated the floor. The areas of the floor that were untouched were covered in miscellaneous stuff, popcorn kernels, candy wrappers, an iPad, homework (I think), and who knows what else.

I have asked for the room to be picked up and even offered to help (as I often do) – but things have been a little stressful for this child as of late (for both of us, actually) so follow through has been tough and my help has even been denied. The growing mess has been getting to me.

So I have pondered, how much do I keep pushing for either him to do it alone, or do it with me, or do I cave and do it myself?

Ideally we would do it together but…ideal doesn’t always happen! I decided not too long ago that I only had so much energy per day and that I needed to put it where it mattered most in order to manage my own mental health.

I have so many things I want to teach my kids – actual actions and values. But, I can’t prioritize teaching everything everyday. I only have so much bandwidth. I have to pick and choose. It wasn’t as easy deciding where to put my energy and focus as I thought it would be (it all feels important.) A clean room is the perfect example.

On the one hand, teaching my kids responsibility is super important to me. Taking care of their things, ie. keeping a clean room falls under that category. At the same time, a clean room is way more important to me and not my kids so there was always a battle to get the job done on a daily basis.

I am motivated to have a clean room; they simply are not! It is not on their priority list at all. And, my boys were seeking a little control wherever they could find it (as teens, kids, humans all do.) And, I, I was seeking a little peace wherever I could find it.

So, we compromised. Their rooms, their messes, their responsibility. I accepted that they would learn responsibility a different way – as they lost things in their messes, as their rooms smelled, as they found they didn’t like it so much – they would learn to be more responsible on their terms.

And they accepted that once a week, they had to clean up and vacuum and take trash out, no matter what. I wouldn’t “nag” daily if they cleaned once a week. And oh, I accepted that I could shut the door and not see the mess 😉 It has mostly worked. Kids vacuum on their own because they hate how it gets. They put their clothes away when they realize that their clothes are getting too wrinkled to look cool when worn. They are getting there.

This is working well for us under our circumstances. But then there was yesterday and this one room that just wasn’t getting the love, despite my requests and offerings of help. It has been driving me crazy making me doubt myself and my parenting choice – should I have put the energy into making bedrooms clean daily? Did I prioritize wrong?

It has also been driving me crazy because of MY own beliefs. I like clean rooms. I believe that a space impacts the mind and mental health (this is me and my experience, not all agree which is fine and totally not the point here.) Teaching my kids the importance of taking care of one’s mental health is also important to me, just like teaching responsibility.

Should I have prioritized that aspect of a clean room?! Aaaah!!! On top of all this, this kiddo is having a hard time and MY anxiety has been kicking in that being in this messy, messy room so much isn’t helping him out so much.

I also know that he does agree – he has said as much in the past after he cleans his room and comments how much he prefers it. And yet, he is pushing me away and not accepting my help or doing it on his own. We have been in a stalemate (right, isn’t that what it is called?) And yet, I said I wouldn’t nag. I said I would let them all be, I would respect their spaces.

But also…his darn retainer was missing and that, that costs money and that was really bothering me. I had mentioned that if it wasn’t found he would be paying for a new one. He was none too thrilled with that. Any who…

Yesterday, I went to his room to remind him ever so lovingly about the missing retainer and that I said we could look together. I opened the door and saw that WHOA! he was finally folding his laundry!

Cue my internal debate. (1) Let him continue on his own and own the responsibility, this is amazing and wonderful… -OR- (2) Let go of my pride of “teaching a lesson” and the thought that “well finally, I only asked how many times, I am definitely not helping because it didn’t happen upon first request per our deal” and offer to help knowing that in doing so, it gives me an opportunity to connect and also, knowing that it teaches over important lessons: teamwork and grace.

I went with option two and I am SO glad that I did. I generally choose option two, but this time was sweeter. This teen and I have been butting heads big time. It seems every word out of my mouth irritates him. It feels like every word out of his mouth irritates me 🙂 Nothing I do or say is right. BUT, while helping him, he opened up. In doing a task together, while talking, it took some of the stress and discomfort of a direct talk away.

Also, this kiddo speaks more calmly when doing something, especially with his hands. (A lot of people do, by the way. Think of chats while throwing a ball, taking a walk, cooking, doing a puzzle.)

“Mom, you really frustrate me. You say it seems like I am angry all the time. I am not angry, I am just frustrated. There is a difference you know. I am working hard at school and I don’t think you see that. I know my grades aren’t great but I am improving. You frustrate me because you say you know, but then you ask me to work harder.”

Wow. An awesome, awesome, communication. Hard to hear, but valuable as heck. (Frustrating that he isn’t hearing that I do know how hard he is working, but alas, I was trying to listen not lecture.) But wait for this one.

Beautiful that he knows this about himself, more so that he shared it…. “I know it looks like I am not doing a lot, but I am. Small steps at a time mom. You know I don’t like doing new things. It is uncomfortable for me. So I am taking a small step. When I feel comfortable doing that, then I take another step, and then I will take another step. I know my progress is slow, but it is progress. It will all add up. I will get there.”

And I am crying. Hey kiddo? Can I just tell you, in regards to parenting teens, “I know my progress is slow, but it is progress and I am learning thanks to you?” So very grateful for this interaction and that I didn’t lose it due to yelling or getting all overly annoyed over the status of a room.

I learned so much about his thinking and where he is at. He still struggled to understand that I did see his hard work and that I appreciated it and also…that time was of the essence so that while his approach makes sense, he also needs to kick it up a notch. But more so, that I know that he can!

Again, the darn fine line of parenting teens. I need to push him out of his comfort zone, but not too much, not too little. Push too hard and I shut him down. Push too little, he stays where he is which isn’t working so well (he just doesn’t fully see it because well, he is a teen.)

But alas, his words were right. He will get there. I need to believe in him a bit more. I need to let go even more than I have and have faith that he is on his way to understanding himself and what he needs.

And…I need to accept that I am not the only one anymore that understands and knows what he needs (and this isn’t just in regards to grades, it applies to other things too.) Oh, this parenting thing is hard. One step at a time. We can do it! (And hey, by the way. My teen’s comments about his own growth are awesome words of wisdom when going after a goal like yelling less;) just saying.) © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How I Try Not to Take My Teen’s Behavior Personally — So I Don’t Yell

Posted on January 19, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

One of my teens was in a wee bit of a bad mood yesterday. Our interactions weren’t all that pleasant. Unfortunately, we were in the mini-van so I couldn’t even take a break and walk away. Yes, yes I could have just kept my mouth shut and not engaged in conversation but it can be realllly hard to do so when the person frustrating you is right there next to you and you really just want to say one more thing!

And it can be even harder to remain quiet when the person frustrating you can’t help themselves and says one more thing to you even after you have stated that you are going to remain quiet. Sooo hard to not engage and take the bait. And so it went for a 20 minute car ride yesterday. Teen trusted me enough to tell me something he knew would upset me. I responded. That wasn’t appreciated.

Then I reminded myself “listen, don’t lecture.” But it was kinda late (in my teen’s opinion.) Teen then gave me a bit of an attitude about my not listening at first and said, “see, I knew you would respond that way.”

The following entirely one-way conversation frustrated the heck out of me. I am human and try my hardest to do my best, but don’t always respond the way one would hope. His words felt a little personal.

I then responded with, “I think it is best if I remain quiet for the rest of the ride. Let’s take a break.”

Well that just got him going even more. More words came out and things felt even more personal to me. I finally said, “You know, lately it feels like you are just always annoyed with me. It’s a real bummer.”

Right statement, right time? Don’t know. His response though? Phenomenally useful. He replied in as irritable as irritable-can-be voice, which by the way he claimed wasn’t an irritable voice (okay, whatever), “MOM, it isn’t personal. Did you ever think that I am not annoyed with you but that I am annoyed with how my day went? That I am irritable because of all the crap that happened?”

And there it was. My #1 take-away about my not yelling at my kids right back at me in a way I never thought of when it comes to my not yelling at my teens.

“It’s not you, it’s me” was the #1 Orange Rhino Revelation that truly helped me to really stop yelling. Realizing that my kids weren’t the problem, that I needed to look within, that I needed to look at what was going on with me, allowed me to figure out why I was really yelling and therefore how I could really stop.

So here I was, feeling like my teen was yelling at me (he claims he wasn’t, we will agree to disagree) and I was starting to take it personal which was making me want to yell right back.

But really, it wasn’t personal. “It’s not you MOM, it’s ME, your teen. I’m irritable because of me and my bad day, not because of you.”

And well holy crap if that didn’t just open my eyes. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I wrote in my books, kids are people too. By the way, teens are still kids and teens are also people too. Teens have bad days and bad moments and their behaviors can be all about them and their emotions and not about us, their parents.

Why is this relevant? I don’t know about you, but when I take stuff personal, I get in a mood. When I take my kid’s behavior personally in particular, it often leads me to, “Where did I go wrong as a parent? What am I doing wrong as a parent for them to be behaving this way?”

This thinking always puts me in a bad place and therefore if I am “triggered” by anything when I am stuck thinking about “where I went wrong” I am set up to react with a yell.

So…taking my teens’ or even young kids’ behavior personal, does me no good.

A while ago I asked my therapist if one of my kids’ behaviors was “normal” per say. She told me it was, didn’t mean it was respectful, but yes it was typical and just needed teaching.

So I said, “so basically… Normalize it, don’t Personalize it.”

This comes to mind now. Normalize it – people have bad days. Teens have bad days. Teens get irritable. Doesn’t mean it is right, just means it can happen and is typical and not unique to me and my situation so don’t Personalize it. Normalize might not be the perfect word, but the phrase really helps me when I am starting to take my teen’s behavior personally.

Not taking the behavior personally helps me to chill a bit, which allows me to remain calm and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting with a yell.

Before yesterday I only applied “Normalize it, Don’t Personalize it” to the really out there behaviors that push the boundaries.

But now, now I am remembering that teens can be irritable for soooo many reasons, many of which don’t have anything to do with me.

#1 New Release on Amazon for Anger Management/Self Help: Audiobook of “How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids-and How You Can Too!” A 30-day Guide with 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple, Daily Steps to Follow and Honest Stories to Inspire Thank you for all your support and for making that happen!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Life Lesson My Son Taught Me on the Drive Home From Drum Lessons

Posted on January 5, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

My 11 year old just told me a life lesson that I didn’t fully grasp until at least 30…if that. Last drum lesson he left uber frustrated because he wasn’t playing well.

So frustrated in fact that he wanted to quit and just give up drums altogether. Going to today’s lesson took a lot of reassuring and supporting from me and honestly, a lot of courage and strength from him. He showed up and almost didn’t make it in – but he did!

So proud. But truly the best was the car ride home…

“Mom, I just realized that my brain is why I make mistakes.

I mean yes I make mistakes because I make mistakes but so much of that is because of what my brain is saying to me!

When I tell myself I can’t do the beat and I can’t hold the drumsticks right then I make more mistakes!

My brain is so important! It’s the most important! My thoughts are so important to my ability to play drums…or basketball…or anything!”

Yes, my sweet boy. Yes. Breakthrough tonight! We both needed it big time.

So happy for him. Oh…and irony that the song he was learning tonight was “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Irony? I think not.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Do I Need Right Now? The Question I Keep Coming Back To

Posted on December 7, 2022 by The Orange Rhino

I want to share a question with you that I ask myself often. Well, I guess it is several questions, all variations of the same. But of course I am going to share it within a story 🙂

I sit here typing, struggling. I think I have another mild concussion or at least whiplash. May 5, 2017 I was in a car accident. Major concussion. It sucked. I got out of the car then (didn’t realize how bad my symptoms were yet) and saw that I had been hit by a brand new driver. She was in tears and the fear in her face just melted my mama heart. Any anger I could have felt disappeared.

My brand new car that I bought all by myself post divorce, a car that represented my new start, was destroyed and yet I didn’t feel an ounce of anger at that moment.

Instead, I focused my energy on soothing this young teenager.

“I am okay.” I promised her. “Your parents will be happy you are okay.” I reassured her. “Listen, everyone has a first accident. You are lucky it was your parents car and not your own and now you have it out of the way!” I said, trying to make her smile.

She just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I just kept saying, “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay, it’s going to be okay!” Maybe I was in shock.

Maybe I truly felt more empathy than anger at that point. Or maybe I was just in full on Orange Rhino mode and knew that yelling wasn’t worth it. (Maybe, it was all three.) Honestly, what good would yelling have achieved?

Would it have made my car new again? No.
Would it have made my neck stop aching? No.
Would it have made her feel any better? No.
Would it have made her feel a heck of a lot worse and therefore an even more nervous driver for months to come and therefore more prone for accidents? Yes.
Would it have made me physically feel worse? Yes.

Yelling would have done me no good. I am glad that I didn’t yell then. Absolutely no upside.

Back to the present day. Ever since that concussion back in 2017, the mildest thing can set my head off, even not getting into a car accident. Sunday night I was driving my boys to dinner. I was going down a very small hill, totally going the speed limit, when a car at the bottom was clearly not yielding. I had the right of way. We were about to slam into each other. It was either going to be a head-on collision or I was going to be nailed right in the driver’s side door. Full speed.

When I say fear consumed me at that moment, that second, it is an understatement. Saying I saw my life flash before my eyes is an overstatement and yet, feels really close to the best statement. Holy sh*t.

I slammed on my brakes so freakin’ hard and they screeched and jerked (along with my entire body and especially my neck) as my minivan violently but quickly came to a halt inches, centimeters (?) from the other driver’s car. My left arm immediately went up and pointed to the yield sign and I mouthed the words “Yield! You have a yield.”

My right arm remained where it always goes – in front of my front seat passenger. My right arm had gone out to protect my son just as fast as my foot went to slam on the breaks. As I began to drive forward, the driver rolled down his window and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”

Somehow, despite being completely freaking scared and triggered, I calmly replied, “I am just glad no one got hurt.” I then drove on and well, promptly burst into tears.

One son asked why I was crying. I said, “Well, that was just really scary and I am just so relieved and happy we are okay. I really meant that.”

Another son asked, “Why didn’t you yell at him? Tell him what a jerk driver he was?”

My response? “Well, what good would that have done? What would it have achieved? It wouldn’t have made things better? In fact it could have made things worse? What if my yelling really pissed him off and he got angry instead of apologetic and started a fight? Nobody got hurt. We are all okay. We are safe. Yelling wasn’t going to achieve anything. And besides, how can I yell at a car that looks like Rudolph?”

I meant what I said to him. What good would yelling have done? We all know fundamentally yelling doesn’t do any good. But I often remind myself of that when I can remember too 😉

When I am starting to get agitated – especially with teenagers – I ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve?”

And then when I find myself getting cranky or even yelling…
“Is yelling helping me get what I want/need?”

“Is yelling worth it?”

And then when I find myself even more annoyed with the situation…
“Am I making the situation better or worse by yelling?”

These questions do help ground me and either prevent me from yelling or using a nasty tone or help reel me back in.

Do I remember them all the time?! No. Of course not. BUT with practice, they become more natural. Or with repetition. The more I remind myself that yelling isn’t worth it, the more I remember to find a better, more productive path.

So while I didn’t yell at the gentleman who almost slammed into my family 🙁 I did yell at my family Monday night. All day Monday my body hurt, my head throbbed and everything was freakin’ blurry. I felt like crap. I assumed it was my new medication. I was so moody with my boys. I apologized but still. I was not fun to be around. I put myself to bed early.

Yesterday was better but still symptoms. No yelling though. Why? It dawned on me as I fell asleep holding my head Monday night that I probably had a mild concussion from the whip lash of slamming on the breaks so hard. Understanding of what is going on in our minds and bodies – of our triggers – can do wonders. It doesn’t excuse them, but it explains them which oddly enough helps calm them a little.

Here’s to a Wednesday of gently reminding ourselves that yelling doesn’t really work and that finding our triggers and understanding them does really work!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Disappeared From The Orange Rhino

Posted on November 10, 2022 by The Orange Rhino

A little more about why I disappeared from The Orange Rhino…as you read this vulnerable, unedited, quickly written story, please remember…You all know that I am brutally honest with you – about my ups, my downs, the in-betweens and that I share my stories and random thoughts in hopes of inspiring you, making you feel less alone, and helping you on your own journey to stop yelling. I do not do it for pity/attention/or to make you think terribly about me 🙂 Story below will clarify why this statement is here. Anywho, onward…

* * * When I started The Orange Rhino, my confidence in sharing everything was fine. I felt okay doing that. I knew it helped others not feel alone.

Then my book came out and some not nice things were said about me / my struggles and that confidence took a hit. Big time. I think one of the things I read somewhere was, “Wow, she is really screwed up.” Another one, “she’s just a mom, no degree.” (That comment needs a whole post dedicated to it. Is there really such a thing as “just a mom?” Um….no!)

Numerous people (who didn’t even read my book) jumped on the yelling less bandwagon and backhandedly bashed me for not being able to completely stop yelling and how ridiculous my goal was in the first place (to go an entire year.) People made judgments about me without fully knowing my story, my insights, my conclusions. I had been completely vulnerable – and okay doing so – and then I got shamed/slammed/insulted for being so.

I am proudly an Orange Rhino – a parent who when provoked, calmly charges forward with confidence and warmth and not harsh words – but I don’t have the thick skin of a Rhino. The personal attacks were very hard to receive. That is an understatement. Some days I cried. There is one that I don’t share that still bothers me – how many years later? Words hurt, folks. Period.

I know that big picture, I could ignore these words. They were “just words” and I knew my truths. But, the words hurt so much that it made it hard to access that mature part of my mind, the confident part of my mind, the determined go get ’em Orange Rhino part of my mind (as my mom calls it.) I would cry to my mom and she would say, “What would The Orange Rhino do? What would she say?” I couldn’t even access it. I didn’t want to.

I went from being excited to be The Orange Rhino to not wanting anything to do with it.

The Orange Rhino went from a positive place for me to a negative one. What didn’t help was that there were several other difficult things going on in my life so I didn’t have the energy to challenge myself to think like The Orange Rhino.

So all the negative comments I read, they just kept churning in my mind. They became imprinted. I never fully processed them or accepted them so that I could put them behind me. I have tried over the last six months or so to process the comments because I was tired of them renting space in my head and because I wanted to somehow find my way back to being The Orange Rhino. I made progress, because, well, here I am.

But here’s the thing…those comments? They weren’t verbal. They were posted on the ever-loving-Internet forever to be seen, forever to be accidentally stumbled upon in a google search. I can’t escape them. Which brings me to yesterday. I have been trying to do some Orange Rhino stuff and it is hard for me, because again, can’t escape the comments.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon one of the comments, the most hurtful one. Immediately, negative thoughts raced through my head:

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Maybe those people were right?
Maybe they are better than me?
Maybe I don’t have anything to offer?
(Insert insecure comment here: you might be thinking, for real, this is her response to some negative comments? The answer is yes, being publicly shamed for being brave and being you, sucks.)

I felt my body shrinking at the computer. I suddenly felt tired. I wanted to just stop and give up and walk away. Fortunately, I needed to do just that because my kids needed to be picked up 🙂 I got into my totally awesome minivan, and the radio came on.

And I kid you not, the lyrics that belted through the radio?

“I’m unstoppable…
I’m invincible…
I’m so powerful…
I’m so confident…
Yeah, I’m unstoppable today…
Unstoppable today
I’m unstoppable today
Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You’ll never see what’s hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah I know,
I’ve heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I’m too afraid now
Yeah, yeah I put my armor on,
show you how strong I am
I put my armor on,
I’ll show you that I am I’m unstoppable”
Song: Unstoppable by Sia

I mean, for real?!

This song came on and started at the precise moment when “I’m Unstoppable” was first heard? I never read the lyrics until this morning. And holy shit. Did they hit hard.

So here I am. Afraid to share, but armor on. I will keep trying to charge forward with confidence and be strong and share – because I want to. I truly want to. I will have ups and downs. That is life.

But I’m Unstoppable. I won’t let negative comments take me down. (Okay, I don’t totally believe that. But it came off of my fingertips so clearly my mind WANTS to believe that.

So I will try to. Perhaps you can too? I’m Unstoppable. So are you. You want to stop yelling at your kids? I believe you can. I believe it is possible. I know it is possible. You are Unstoppable. (Apparently fighting amongst siblings who are now awake is also Unstoppable so off I go…no editing, just hitting Post because otherwise, I never will.)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Bedtime Knock That Reminded Me to Notice the Good Before Reacting

Posted on October 25, 2022 by The Orange Rhino

Okay. So the following just happened and I am still in shock. Quite the antithesis to the start of my day.

I am putting 11 yo to bed. Door is shut. 16 yo comes to door.

Okay, so far normal. But wait. Then he knocked and asked if he could come in?! Normally he just barges in, wakes up 11 yo and I get annoyed.

So the knock totally threw me! I sensed something was up (thank God Orange Rhino me was present so I focused on the good of the knock and not the negative of the interruption) and said, “Sure, come in.”

“Mom, I just wanted to say thank you for the new mattress and for getting the special sheets so I stay cool at night. Thanks for caring about me and making sure I sleep well.”

Whoa. I could have…should have…kept my mouth quiet and said you are welcome but I was so floored that I had to say, “You are most welcome and thank you for appreciating me. It means a lot. May I ask what prompted this?”

Teenager: “I don’t know, I just saw my bed and remembered how well I slept last night and realized I don’t say thank you enough or that I love you enough.”

Oh my word.

Still speechless. And yes, tears totally came to my eyes. There is a light at the end of the teenage tunnel folks. All of our children have the flicker inside of them – it grows especially strong when we see the good. If and when you read this 16yo, love you kiddo! And if and when you all read this, keep the faith! Keep Orange Rhino’ing on because it is worth it.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino