Tag Archives: Overwhelm

When One Sip Sounds Like a Good Idea: What Sobriety Looks Like on a Hard Day

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The bottle was leftover from the graduation festivities. It sat, open, but closed, in the bottom shelf of the fridge, and it called my name. Oh did it call my name. “Oh hey there Sheila. You didn’t know I was here, did you? Well, here I am. Chilled, open, ready for you, right when you are so incredibly stressed and ready to lose your ever loving mind. It’s just one sip. What’s the danger in just one sip?”

“Right,” I thought. “What is the danger in just one sip? I have already gone well over five months without a drink, so what is one drop, one sip? Does it really matter? It’s not like I decided to stop drinking because I had a problem. I stopped drinking for health reasons. I stopped drinking to show my sons that life didn’t need alcohol to be “delicious” and enjoyable. I stopped drinking because it is a problem historically in my family and I knew I could very well go down that path; that I sensed I might be going down that path.”

I grabbed the bottle. I twisted the lid off. The bottle was two weeks-ish old so the smell of the white wine was strong.

Inviting. Tempting. I lifted the bottle up. And I almost took that sip. I almost did. I was so, so, incredibly close. And then I stopped.

And I walked right to the sink and poured the entire bottle out. First, it was old and it wasn’t worth it. Second, it was just one sip but one sip and I knew that one sip would lead to two, and two would lead to three, and three would lead to a glass. And third, third, I was days away from celebrating 6 months of being alcohol free. I didn’t want to give up on myself. I didn’t want to give up on my commitment. I didn’t want to give up in a moment of weakness.

The pride I felt when I said no to the wine, and yes to myself, was immense. At the same time, the sadness I felt that I was so stressed that I felt I needed something to numb, well, that bummed me out. Why?

Because to me it proved that yes, yes, not drinking was indeed the right path for me. Alcoholism is a problem in my greater family. Not drinking is a part of my journey now.

And the fact that it is so hard some days just continues to prove how it is such an important part of my journey. And it is hard. Really hard some days. Some days the stress, the pain, the overwhelm is so much that I just want a drink to make it go away.

But the drink doesn’t solve anything. And what I really want? What I am really seeking in that moment is the ritual of the drink and the feelings the ritual gives me. The pouring, the creating, of a drink.

Ritual = Doing something just for me The sitting down, and taking a break to drink, the drink.
Ritual = Slowing down and relaxing The enjoying and fully savoring the drink.
Ritual = Filling up with joy after a day of feelings that have been the exact opposite.

So as I continue my journey of not drinking —which is a part of my greater journey of living a life that feels good, that aligns with who I am, who I want to be, what I want, and where I want to go— I will continue to find a new ritual for when I feel overly stressed and needing to numb. I will continue to try and create a reset ritual for myself that doesn’t include alcohol. Or rather, creating several reset rituals. (Side note: if only I liked drinking tea. I used to work for Lipton Tea and I know that tea drinkers find it to be very much a ritual type of thing. I can’t make myself like tea…at all. Ugh. And baths take too long. And exercising at night wakes me up. I’ve tried lots of things. And I will keep trying)

Until I find a reset ritual that works fully…I will keep doing what I am doing which is saying to myself, “Sheil, you don’t want the drink, you want to feel better and this ain’t gonna do the trick. Maybe in the moment it will, but only briefly. It isn’t worth it. Pour some water. Leave the room. Put some music on.”

While I know this post is about my journey to not drink, the truth is we all have things /actions/habits (yes, habits) we do to numb ourselves when we need to escape the frustration, the stress, the pain, the overwhelm, the chaos, the whatever-feeling-we-don’t-like that we are currently feeling.

What is your go to replacement action for said numbing habit? Do you have one? Scrolling is another one of my numbing go-to’s. Ugh. “Don’t scroll, go for a quick stroll” is one of my sayings/actions for that struggle (and yes, I still struggle lol) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you are struggling with a numbing activity that you would really like to stop. I know it ain’t easy.

Gosh do I (especially since many of the numbing activities are generally everywhere we go!) 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

P.S. Not drinking is officially part of my journey, my story, my life. I will be writing about it more. I can’t, not write about it. I hope you stick around in spite of this addition. Again, it isn’t a judgement of anyone who still drinks. It is just my journey and like I said, it is a reflection of any action we take to avoid feeling something we don’t like AND it is a part of my greater journey to live a life where I can walk lighter and feel brighter

Letting Go as Your Kids Grow Up — Without Missing the Beautiful Parts

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I didn’t have kids so that I could be away from them; I had kids so that I could be with them. I didn’t have kids so that I could be around just for the tough times; I had kids so that I could witness, actively participate in the really beautiful times. The milestones. The celebrations. The achievements. Their excitement. Their joy. Likewise, I didn’t get married so that I could get divorced and then have to split up special days in my kids’ lives and therefore miss out on some pieces.

But here I am. Divorced and missing out.

Today, my second son is heading out for two weeks to go to a college for a science course he is wicked excited about. I helped him find the course, apply to the course, and pack for the course. I’m not taking him to the course though, his father is. I am taking him to another course later this summer, which is at my alma mater, so that’s cool. And we agreed to this arrangement for a few reasons so it kinda sorta makes sense that I’m not going today and also…and also…

It SUCKS. Like, a lot, a lot. I want to be there when his eyes go wide open as he sees how beautiful the campus is that he got accepted to for this summer program. I want to be there when he smiles with excitement as he sees all the events he gets to participate in. I want to be there to help him unpack and set up his dorm room. Sure, it isn’t “college” but it is a dry run. He’s my first kiddo going away for more than a weekend and well, it’s a big deal, for him, for me.

I want to be there to make sure he knows the this, the that, the that, the this. I want to be there to do the mom things, you know? To answer his questions. To ease his anxiety (which I know is high.) To support him in any way he needs. I just want to friggin’ be there.

But I won’t be. I’m missing out on a really, really big moment. And it sucks. It hurts. Like so, so much. I didn’t have kids so that I could be away from them; I had kids that I could be with them. I didn’t have kids so that I could be around just for the tough times; I had kids so that I could witness, actively participate in the really beautiful times.

The milestones.
The celebrations.
The achievements.
Their excitement.
Their joy.


And also, their worries and their needs, expected and unexpected. I had kids so I could be there for them. Life is both/and. Life is both orange and gray. We can understand something, and also not like it. We can support something, and also, strongly, strongly dislike it. Part of me is really friggin’ mad at myself for not saying I wanted to go as well but…it’s just the way the cookie crumbled. I just don’t like the crumbs.

Because that’s the thing, divorced or not, as parents, we do miss out sometimes. Even when not divorced, I missed out, rather, I opted out.

I remember my ex wanting to take the boys skiing for the first time. I really, really, REALLY wanted to go. But I was so overwhelmed with writing my book that I knew for me, I needed the day to myself to enjoy the quiet so that I could show up better for everyone that week.

So I missed out by opting out. MOOO lol. Even though it was my choice, it was still a hard call. The right call, but also the hard call. Same with the divorce. Same with today. And even though I have not missed a lot, and even though my ex and I have beautifully shared a lot, and even though I am so grateful for how well we have done, today, today is still hard and… I’m not feeling all the warm fuzzies about life.

I’m feeling them about my son though. I’m bursting with pride and excitement for him; with amazement at how he follows his heart time and time again. Life is both/and. If there is one upside to my divorce, it’s that because I do miss out on things now, I am much, much more intentional in living and much, much more intentional in my times with my kids.

People talk about FOMO oh so casually and almost make fun of it sometimes. Well for some of us, it’s real. So I make sure, when and where I can control things, I don’t miss out. I don’t want to miss out on anything because of my own doing, because of my own actions. Sure, I will opt out for my mental health so that I can show up better, so that I don’t get so burnt out or sick that I do miss out in the long run but… I won’t set myself up to miss out in the present.

I actively work to set myself up to be as present as I can in the moment. I didn’t used to be so good at it, but now, now I try harder than ever. It’s hard. (Okay Sheil, that is kinda a realllly big understatement lol. You couldn’t find a better word?!) And, it does put a lot of pressure on myself. No doubt. It’s extra hard now that I am actively working to effectively launch a new company. Trying to be the fully present mom I want to be so I “don’t miss a thing” while also trying to launch a company so that I fulfill my needs (which by the way, fuels my heart which helps me be more present) is a lot. It’s a juggling act, one I’m still learning.

This week, the company got dropped. It didn’t feel good. But I didn’t miss out on what mattered with my kids and that felt wonderful. My son and I packed all day yesterday. I was as present as I could be, pushing all my feelings aside to focus on him. Not easy. I’m going to post this and wake him up to see if he wants to go for breakfast, then send him off with his dad with a big hug and smile, and fight like heck to hold back my tears so I send him off with warmth, strength, and my confidence and happiness.

I don’t want to send him off with my baggage, just his. It won’t be easy. But when is parenting ever easy? Thinking of everyone today who is feeling the reality of life being both/and today knowing that we will all, yes all of us, get through these tough both/and moments. We will, we will. I promise. Truly.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you know all too well what I mean about missing out, divorced or not.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

90 Days Without Alcohol: Why I Quietly Decided to Stop Drinking

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I have some news. I’ve debated sharing it but here goes, absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything all at once. This morning I celebrate a major milestone for myself. As of this morning, I have gone 90 days without having an alcoholic beverage. And ladies, I am so friggin’ proud and ecstatic and relieved.

Here’s my story. I haven’t really told anyone about this goal. It kinda just happened. I’ve been trying to get to a healthier weight to beat a type 2 diabetes diagnosis. My health coach suggested I cut back on my 1-2 drinks a week. “Many of my clients your age see a major difference when they do this.”

I knew this to be true, but 1-2 drinks couldn’t possibly make a difference. That’s when I started tracking my food intake. And drinks. And looked in the mirror. Big time.

The truth is, though, it wasn’t 1-2 drinks. Last November, it had become 3-4 a week and one week, it was 7, one nightly. Stress had been increasing, BIG time (clearly.) The end of the day came and my mind, my body, my everything craved a gin and tonic to relieve the stress, the pain, the everything and anything I hadn’t figured out how to cope with because I hadn’t figured out what was bothering me in the first place.

And that, my friends, was a big ‘ole wake up call. I knew that wanting alcohol to numb my pain and overwhelm wasn’t a good thing. You see… Alcoholism runs in my family and not just that – it has run over my family. It has changed lives, in many ways, and not for the better. I wish I could write more but I can’t without permission. For me though, it has always (until this past November) changed my life for the better.

It woke me up and made me say, “Never will I let alcohol ruin my life or my kids.” I have always grown up telling myself I would raise my boys aware of alcoholism and the impacts. I have been drunk less than 4 times as a result of what I have seen alcohol do. I have barely been buzzed for that matter. Even after someone told me, “You’d be a lot more fun if you drank,” I still stayed true to mostly avoiding alcohol. I have always known the negative impact alcohol holds and so I have kept it to a bare, bare minimum.

And so this fall, this fall when my body was practically demanding alcohol to feel better? And then my health coach said something along the lines of (and I am going to get this wrong and I am not giving medical advice): “Your body works harder to focus on removing the toxins that come with alcohol than fat.” Well, I decided that was it. I was going to give it a try. I mean, I’ve had 4 boys and collectively went 36 months without drinking.

I’ve gone years filled with only 1-2 drinks a week. There is certainly no reason I can’t go cold turkey. Oh, and did I mention at this time I was also starting to feel cruddy about myself more than usual? Feeling like a failure because I hadn’t hit some necessary goals? Yep. Let’s add that. I wanted to feel successful again. I yearned to feel successful. I knew that feeling successful would be contagious and would spill over into other areas of my life where I was struggling.

And I was right. Achieving one goal, one day at a time (which actually has been two goals – weight loss, and alcohol loss) has had a major waterfall effect in my life.

So today is a big celebration. I celebrate determination. I celebrate loving myself enough to try. I celebrate reminding myself of my goals every time I saw a drink and wanted one – including last night when the stress of wondering if I am going to meet my packing goal was omnipresent. I celebrate living a life aligned with my values, my goals. I celebrate showing my boys a lesson that matters so very much to me that I had temporarily walked away from.

I celebrate feeling a little more alive again, one day at a time. I celebrate because we should all celebrate any little or big wins we have. It is absolutely friggin necessary and not to mention, so much fun. Confetti is fun ladies. (Just do it in the garage, less mess haha.) I believe in all of us. I write that not to be cheesy or corny or whatever – I write that because I know not all of us have someone saying that.

We all deserve to have a hype person, someone telling us that. You are worthy of working towards the hard goal that you know will ultimately make you feel better. You are, truly.

Sending my warmth, to go with your strength, today and always. And if you need a little extra strength, I share that too. And if you are struggling and wanting to know more about this particular subject, I am a message away (a little preoccupied these two weeks with packing, but I am here.)

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

When You’re the Glue Holding Everyone Together — and You’re Exhausted

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A very personal, transparent post.

You know how sometimes you hold it together because you have to?

Because if you let go, something will fall and break?

Because if you stop moving, everything will come to a screeching halt and crash?

Because if you show your real feelings, others will reel in pain?

Because if you aren’t the glue, everyone comes undone and that is worse than being the glue?

So therefore, you aren’t really holding it together because you have to, but because you CHOOSE to, because you know it is the right thing to do, for the moment, for the season.

Well, I have chosen to hold it together for at least eight years, arguably thirteen. There have been moments where I have sighed and had some relief. Moments where I *gasp* dared to think to myself, “Yes, this is it. I’m done holding it together. We’re in the clear.” Hardy, har, har, har. NOT! I realized Thursday morning that those moments? They weren’t really as full as I thought. Thursday morning I realized what an enormous weight I’ve been carrying around all these years.

One of loneliness. Exhaustion. Doubt. Worry. Oh, oh such an intense worry. Sadness. Pain. It is a weight that comes with having a child that is neurodivergent and not widely accepted. (I write that with 100% approval and encouragement by my child by the way.) And this morning, I realize there are weights I carry in being a mom of divorce. Weights I hadn’t fully acknowledged to myself. Weights I cannot write about. Weights I need to work to put down because they are equally exhausting and equally filling me with fear.

I’m tired, my friends. Not just because I recently had shingles. But because of the weights I carry. It is no surprise that I got shingles twice within 8 months. Stress brought it on, I have no doubt. The pressures in my life right now, the demands, are immense. They are (mostly) easy to see and can be managed. They are just A LOT. They take a lot of time, planning, and mental management.

And they are compounded by the invisible stressors, the invisible weights we carry. The invisible weights are so much harder to manage. They can only be managed when we do the work to acknowledge them…FULLY. Like fully, fully.

But let’s be real…it can be hard to do so because they are sooo heavy and yucky. Thursday morning I found myself EXHAUSTED beyond words. I was so confused as to why. I slept well. The night before had been GLORIOUS. Beautiful. Hopeful. Incredible beyond words. It was then I realized all the “mental weight” I had been carrying for thirteen years regarding my son. All the weight I had not fully acknowledged on a deep, deep level…because I couldn’t.

Wednesday night my incredible, neurodivergent son was honored as an “Unsung Hero” in our community. One senior per high school in our county was selected.

He was seen for more than his “label.” He was seen for who he truly is. He was seen for who he is today and how far he has come. He was seen for his heart, his compassion, his resilience. He was seen in a way so many people don’t dare to see him, because they are stuck in the past, they are stuck on labels. He made it. We made it.

And actually, he didn’t just make it. He friggin’ crushed it and then some. He inspired people along the way. He’s changed lives. He is a beacon of hope. Truly. Thursday morning I finally put down one heck of a heavy weight. And my body has collapsed in exhaustion. I will share more as I recover. I have run a marathon with this dear child in ways I haven’t shared. It takes a toll.

But I have held it together because I had to, because I chose to. And I have kept it all in to mostly myself, because if I dared to fully acknowledge what I felt, I wouldn’t have kept running alongside my son, cheering for him and he needed a cheerleader. I gladly played that role; as we all do for our children. I always believed in him, even when others didn’t.

Yesterday was admitted college student’s day. He is becoming a special education teacher. As he says, it is his turn to give back to others, the way a few very special teachers gave to him. 

Recovery is a beautiful journey. It can be equally long and exhausting though because you must still heal from the past. Because you must let go of your past identity and embrace your new identity. I am rebuilding. I am breaking through. And I am exhausted.

And I still have other weights to put down…not to mention the new weights I gained yesterday as I accepted that come fall I will be letting him fly as a college student. This mom’s heart is oh so proud and oh so heavy and oh so light at the same time. This woman’s heart is oh so hopeful and oh so heavy and oh so light at the same time. And hence, she is exhausted. And coming a little undone;) And that is okay. It is more than okay.

There are seasons to hold it together and there are seasons to not. Both are beautiful and have their purpose. Where are you?

Here’s to breaking down, re-building and breaking through to where we want to go and who we want to be.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you too know the feeling of carrying extra weight because of some extra parenting – or life – challenges. With so much love, understanding, and encouragement,

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Sometimes Life Is Hard “Just Because” — No Explanation Required

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What if? What if we don’t explain away why we feel what we feel, what if we don’t analyze why we’re crying again, but instead we simply say, “it’s Just Because.” And by this we mean, sometimes our feelings and our response simply reflect that life is hard sometimes.

After I shared with you all yesterday about my frustrating medical situation, I dropped the kids off at school and came home to read an email with more frustrating news. “Ugh. Why can’t anything be easy?!” I said out loud, maybe a little too loud. Hope, my dog, looked at me. She was frustrated too. We were off schedule because I had to wait for a worker to come to the house. As soon as the worker came and I got them settled, Hope and I headed out in the oddly warm December weather.

My mind immediately returned to thoughts about how nothing was going smoothly lately. “It’s not that I feel like a victim. No, no this isn’t victim mentality.” I thought to myself. “It’s just, I *wish* things could go a little easier. I *wish* I wasn’t bumping into so many barriers.” I found myself tearing up. It reminded me of the day before when something happened and tears started to form.

Before my son could say anything I said to him, “I know, I know, I’m crying again. It’s what I do lately. The tears just flow.” He laughed and replied, “You beat me to it.” I continued my walk, wondering why I cry so easily lately.

Before my brain could even go there, I said to myself… “Girl, I know you like to analyze everything and have an explanation for everything. But sometimes, sometimes there isn’t an explanation -OR- sometimes one isn’t needed. You don’t need to say ‘it’s what you do lately’ and right now you don’t need to explain away your tears by blaming perimenopause. Just be. Let yourself cry JUST BEcause your body needs to. Just because life is hard sometimes and that’s okay. Sure hormones make it easier to cry 😉 but that’s not always the trigger or even the only trigger.

Life. Life can be a trigger. Life can be hard, and overwhelming and exhausting. Period. Yes, life is good. Sure, everyday should feel good. But sometimes it doesn’t. It’s okay that tears seep out as a response. Let them.”

I sighed a sigh of relief, of feeling free, of feeling more accepted by myself. It’s not that I have anything against crying, I don’t. You all know that. Crying is needed – it’s a way of the body cleansing itself, of helping calm itself, so it doesn’t burst. It’s just, anytime I explained away my tears I also invalidated my feelings. I didn’t leave room for my feelings or experience.

Blaming every tear on a hormonal week or perimenopause, or even exhaustion, didn’t give me a chance to see if something else was going on. Something else that needed space to be seen and fully felt. The rest of my walk was nice and peaceful. I mean 50 degrees in December in NJ? Yes please! The minute I got home a friend called and we started chatting about how exhausted we are from parenting and well, everything 😉 Ironically (or not) we ended up talking about how tears just seem to be natural lately.

She was like “why? just why?” I replied, “Just Because life can be freakin’ hard.” We laughed because we were both also so tired of everything being blamed on anything but our real experience in life. Life can be good. Everyday can have moments that feel good. And also, it can be hard. Not because you’re doing it wrong but just because, it can be a lot. Remember that.

So just keep being you. Keep showing up the best you can in the moment, tears or no tears. You’re doing great.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and also sending tissues (the nice kind with aloe added so your skin doesn’t get rough). Thinking of you all,

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

How to Bring the Feeling of the Beach Home When You Don’t Live There

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I don’t live at the beach. I live one hour away from a decent beach, two hours away from my favorite beach, and a four hour plane ride away from a tropical beach.

But oh, oh I dream of living at the beach and waking up to the sound of the waves and the colors of an orange and pink sunrise. The beach is my happy place. My sanctuary. It’s the place where stress instantly leaves my body, my thoughts instantly settle, my mind instantly finds clarity or creativity, and my whole being instantly finds peace.

Since I currently can’t up and move to the beach, and quite frankly I don’t think I will ever be able to afford my dream oceanfront beach house, I decided to make my house in the suburbs, a beach house.

There have been a few times when I have asked friends and neighbors who are designers to help me pick out a new couch or curtains because I was overwhelmed with too many little kids 😉 They asked about colors and this and that. I always answered, “I’m going for an ocean, beach feel. This is my beach house.”

Every time the answer was, “But this isn’t a beach house.”

Every time I answered, “I know, but it’s my beach house.”

This past summer, I saw this pillow and I immediately bought it. It now sits in my front hall for everyone to see when they walk in the door. It cracks me up and brings me so, so much joy. I was somewhat sad to pack it away last night as I put out the Christmas pillows. (You all know how much I love, and live for, decorating for Christmas.) In fact, I took it right back out.

My house is a beach house year round because it makes me happy. I don’t care what anyone thinks. Life is what we make it. What we dream it to be. IF we let it be that. IF we don’t succumb to other’s rules of how we should live. IF we stand by what we want and don’t people please. 

Same with our homes. Our homes, our homes are what we make them, are what we want them to be, what we need them to be. They don’t need to be fancy or decorative or on trend. They need to make us feel happy, warm. Hopefully they can feel like a sanctuary and bring us peace.

Whether it be from the paint colors or the softness of the couch.
Or the systems we use to ease the chaos of the day to day.
Or from the people we love and the memories we create together.
Or even from us, and the energy we bring because we’re living a life we love, and living by following our hearts, our wishes. I’m working on creating a life I love so that that energy flows over into our home.

I’m also working on making my home, our home, feel like a sanctuary. This community is one piece of my plan;) This pillow is just one piece of my home plan!

But it’s an important piece. It might say “Welcome to our Beach House” but what it also says is, “Welcome to a ‘Believe in Yourself’ and ‘What You Need to Feel Good’ House.” This pillow is such a beautiful reminder of how good it feels to follow my heart. And by the way, everyone smiles when they walk in and see it;) The irony isn’t lost and in fact, I think it’s admired. What have you done recently to follow your heart, despite what others said, and as a result found peace and joy?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too, like me, are working every day to listen to your heart more and more and listen less to others’ “should’s.”

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

ADHD Masking: What It Looks Like to Spend Years Hiding How Hard Things Are

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It’s Halloween and also the last day of October which is ADHD Awareness month so…perfect time for me to talk about masks. Even if you don’t have ADHD, please have a read, for me, for the kids who do. Kids will wear masks later today to be someone different – if even just for a little while.

Maybe they will pick that character because it’s fun, or scary, or just plain cool.

Or maybe they will pick it because it is so nice to take a break from being themselves.

Or maybe they will pick it because they don’t want to be noticed by classmates while they try to enjoy trick or treating, because in school the classmates give them a hard time because they have ADHD.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they don’t stop talking.

Maybe the classmates tease the kid because the teacher always calls them out for not paying attention.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they make lots of small social snafus because their brain is going so fast it misses part of the conversation (or because their brain is developing differently, in general.) Who knows.

But what I do know? What really makes me want to yell? Is the lack of understanding around ADHD and more so the lack of understanding and empathy for those who have it – kids and adults alike.

And it’s the stigma around it. Oh the stigma and assumptions! ARGH!

“It’s not real.” Yes, yes it is. It is very, very real. It has lots of real challenges and lots of real upsides. Spend just an hour inside my brain and you’ll see.

“It’s all about physical hyperactivity.” Nope. For me? The hyperactivity is in my brain. My brain never stops going, ever. Like, did I mention ever?! It ruminates more than most and it is always coming up with new ideas. See? Challenges and upsides.

“It’s all because people don’t work hard enough to focus, to be disciplined, you name it.” Oh, oh we work hard. It’s all we do. Our efforts to focus and create new habits and follow systems that support us take us ADHDers more energy and many more attempts. It’s exhausting. Especially since said systems often need frequent tweaks to keep our brain on track.

“It doesn’t really impact one’s social life.” Yes, yes it does. It impacts friendships and relationships. I probably have lost a few friends because of my own social snafus and impulsively saying things I shouldn’t have. : ( My relationships are harder because of ADHD; because of losing focus, of forgetting things, of struggling with emotional regulation and being overwhelmed.

And that’s just me. –>I’m not talking about kids with ADHD who are truly left out. Having ADHD can be lonely. There is just so much to know about ADHD. I’m still learning. I’m a mom to four boys and several have ADHD. Learning about how to help myself, as a late diagnosis mom, while also learning to help them, while also knowing that we EACH have our different needs and tools? Well it’s enough to make my ADHD brain wanna explode. Overwhelming isn’t the word.

 And so I often feel shame. A lot of shame. Oh so much shame. Shame because there is such a gap in what I want to do and what I actually do, as a result of my ADHD brain. I know I’m a good mom and also, and also, I wish I had my diagnosis earlier so that I could have had a better handle on my symptoms earlier. So I could be better at helping my family.

But my diagnosis was only just recent because no one saw it or believed me when I started asking. Some said it’s because I wore the mask so well – because I worked so hard to get things right (to be organized, to be on time, to be successful, to be calm, whatever) that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD. I seemed to be doing well so how could I actually be struggling?

But oh did I ever and oh do I ever. And it’s exhausting. Working so hard to manage the symptoms and “keep up” is exhausting. Not to mention I have so much to learn and yet my older brain is struggling to take it all in. I’m determined though to keep learning, to keep supporting my kiddos the best I can, and to keep getting the word out about ADHD from my experience so that more people can take off their masks and breathe a little easier knowing that they’re not alone.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are adjusting to an ADHD diagnosis or love someone who has it. I know it’s a lot and I know a lot of people don’t understand that. I do. I really, really do.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

 

Side note? If it weren’t for my ADHD? This page probably wouldn’t exist lol. I mean Orange + Rhino? The amount of steps my brain took to get there, to connect totally random dots?!

LOVE it, total upside to ADHD.

Why Burnout Advice Can Feel Like the Last Thing You Need

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I was scrolling social media last night (numbing myself if I’m gonna be totally honest) and stopped suddenly. A post about “how to avoid burnout” really ticked me off. It was well intentioned. Had great ideas. And yet, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Maybe it was my state of mind since I’m doing everything I can to avoid burnout as we speak and the last thing I needed right then was to read about how to avoid it. I wanted to be seen. Supported. Listened to. Understood. I wanted everything “burning me out” to disappear. I didn’t want to do more; I wanted everything causing me stress to go the blippidy blip away!

Which made me think. There is a self-care message that I feel isn’t said enough, especially in the social media world. (Wait, is there even another world of communication these days?) Maybe the message is out there but I don’t see it because I’m just bitter because I know in my heart I don’t “do self-care” well enough and I feel “shamed” by all the “you should do these things” messages.

Or maybe I miss the one message I seek because I’m just bitter because my life isn’t as “easy” as others who are able to “do” all the “self-care” things one “should” do to feel good as they take on modern day challenges.

Or maybe, it’s that I’m down to earth, and honest, and real, and I want people who are struggling, overwhelmed, tired, craving a break, really near burnout and in need of all these “self-care” suggestions (like me!) to feel really seen and not inadvertently shamed.

Most likely, it’s all of the above (as it always is of course!) The message? Actually messages, that I wish I saw more of?

(1) You can do everything you are “supposed” to do to avoid burnout, to take care of yourself, and still burnout. Maybe not total, complete burnout, but close enough.

And it isn’t because you failed or did a lousy job at “self-care” it’s because there are simply seasons that are overwhelmingly, massively HARD. They are so hard that the hits just keep coming at a rate faster than your well-intentioned self care actions can overcome. Again, it isn’t for your lack of trying or because you’re broken that you burnout. It’s because life can be unrelenting sometimes. So you do your best and love yourself fiercely through all the challenges; that is the ultimate self-care that will keep you going.

(2) All of these supposed ways to avoid burnout: – Set boundaries – Incorporate healthy sleep habits, exercise habits, etc… – Make life simple – Connect with friends Well they take time to learn so it’s not as easy as “do these things and you won’t burn out!” So again, let’s be kind to ourselves as we work to “not burnout.” But also, as you learn them, you might burn out along the way.

See point one once more 🙂

Also, once again, there are simply seasons where these can be hard!

When I tore my ACL? Yeah buh-bye sleep and exercise and simple life and HELLLO burnout. Divorce? Lost friends, sleep out the door, lost energy to remember to do the other things. HELLLLO burnout.

Do you see where I’m going? Again, loving ourselves through the hard is the ultimate self-care and yet, and YET that too is so hard to do sometimes because it’s also a skill that for some of us takes time to learn.

I “may or may not” have had some unkind things to say to myself last night. I’d like to blame my hormones but…I also know I can be kinder to myself and should be.

So I guess the third message? The one I really would have loved?

(3) Hey there. I see you scrolling. My guess is you are close to burn out. I know you’re working hard. Doing all the things to avoid burnout. To feel good. To parent well. To live well. To be well. To love well. It’s A LOT of work, I know.

Because right now life is A LOT of work. Some days I bet it feels like a battle, a battle I bet you wish would just get easier. Keep doing whatever little bit you can do today – it does make a difference. I’m thinking of you. I’m not going to tell you what to do to avoid burnout; you already know.

And I know you are trying so hard. I’m just going to tell you I’m here, with you, lending my hand if you need help. (Oh but I will tell you to be kind to yourself because I’m pretty sure you might be forgetting that part right now.) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if this post resonated with you,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When You’re Smiling and Crying at the Same Time: Both Feelings Can Be Real

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Look closely at this picture. What do you see? Do you see the tear rolling down my face? Do you also see the smile? I don’t share this picture for pity. I share it because it tells a VERY important point. I hope you take a moment to read it. It might just help your adult relationships and your kiddos. One time in couples therapy, years ago, my ex and I were told that when you don’t clearly communicate your feelings, but let your faces and bodies and actions do silent “talking,” that the other person “fills in the blanks” with their own answers as to what’s going on.

Oftentimes, but not always, the answers we create aren’t the truth. Oftentimes, the answers we tell ourselves create anxiety, fear, stress, sadness. The same story goes for our kids.

They see when we are in pain.
They see when we are sad.
They see when we are angry.
They see when we are stressed.

When we don’t communicate why – in an age appropriate, parent/child appropriate way, they fill in the blanks in the story. This happened to me yesterday. My ever so intuitive son called for me to pick him up from somewhere. He heard from the voice, just my voice, not even my face. “Are you okay mom?” Ooof.

I had tried so hard to collect myself and put on a happy, chipper voice to answer the phone. I didn’t want him to worry. I wanted to hide my feelings. But oh, they know when we are off. They know. “Yep! On my way.” WRONG answer. Here’s why.

The next five minutes he went through all the questions that he peppered me with when I got in the car: “Mom, did someone die?” he asked. “Nope. Everyone is okay sweetie.” I was in too much of a yuck state to even pretend I didn’t know why he asked. I knew I would need to come clean.

But first I wanted him to share what was on his mind. I let him continue. “Oh. But you aren’t okay. DON’T LIE. Are you sad because I didn’t say thank you for the ride before? Are you angry because I’m running late? Mom, are you stressed out from us kids? You didn’t sound right on the phone and well, your eyes are glassy and you have a tear on your face.” Whoa. He immediately assumed HE was the source of my pain and it couldn’t be farther from the truth.

And he thought I lied to him. No good. And whoa. They see us. They see our pain. I had tried to hide it from him, to protect him but all that did was hurt him. And lose a little trust in the process. Again, no good. Sharing big adult feelings with kids is a tricky thing. It’s a fine line like all parenting is…fun times, amirite?

But it is sooo important to give some clue to our kids when we feel off that it’s about US and not them so that they don’t tell themselves internal stories that they’re the problem. Besides, they need to know we are okayish. They need to know that even if we are in pain, that even if we are sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, whatever…that we will be okay. That we have a plan to get through the big emotion to the other side.

Not only does this “knowing” give them the necessary reassurance that we, their safe place, is secure BUT also, more so… It shows them that when they have the same big emotions they too will be okay. That they too don’t have to hide them. That they can feel them, express them, and work through them. That they don’t have to try and stop the tears and put on a happy face. Just some light thoughts for a Tuesday morning.

And don’t worry. I’m okay. Promise. I have plans. And they are BIG. GIGANTIC. HUGE. Wanna know? Drumroll please. I’m taking baby steps, one at a time, forward;) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are both crying on the inside, and smiling on the outside. I feel ya;)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Back-to-School Overwhelm: When Everyone’s Emotions Are Bouncing Off the Walls

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This was me. Last night. Trying not to lose my holy loving mind. Last night = second to last night before senior year, junior year, freshman year (hello new school) and eighth grade start. Last night equaled total and utter, well, I don’t even have the words. Everyone was bouncing off. of. the. walls. and their emotions right there with ’em.

Excitement for a new year.

Stress from getting everything ready (finishing summer work included!)

Anxiety from the transition of summer to school, the land of work and more responsibility (and double transition, so double anxiety for my freshman as he starts a new school).

Sadness that summer is wrapping up and there was one week of amazing and a bunch of other weeks of eh. Summer 2024 was what it was. As JLo said, “Oh, it was a summer.” I share ALL of the emotions plus a few hundred more;) Okay, maybe just a few more.

Sadness and worry are at the top of my list. I’m feeling so bummed that summer vacation is over. I’m often like, “when does school start?” but not this year. I have never wanted to freeze time and also add time more in my life. The fall = mega stress and I am simply not ready for it. Not. One. Iota. And worry? Oh I am worried for each of my boys for different reasons. Not nervous, but mama worried, like my heart hurts worried, and back to school is kicking it up too many notches to count.

So as they bounced off the wall, I REALLY wanted to join them, but tried ever so hard to be the non-bouncy one. But oh, oh it got to a point where it was just too much.

So I took this picture instead of losing it. You know, “capture the moment, capture the yell.” The photo made me laugh. My kids were all, “what is she doing?” Three of them were literally standing around me, ALL talking to me at once as I started to take the selfie.

After I took the picture, I somewhat successfully encouraged everyone to each take some “lets each chill by ourselves” time. It settled everyone down for a little bit. Emphasis on little:) But it was something.

And I needed that little something. So did they. Today will be as overwhelming to my nervous system as last night. And tonight will be worse. Heck, this week is gonna be tough. Knowing this though, is a win. It makes it all easier as I can plan to (1) take care of myself so I’m in a good place and quasi ready to deal and (2) manage the expected triggers like exhausted kids, hangry kids, and adjustment to a new schedule and having to rush.

Here’s to knowing the challenges and being able to therefore mentally prepare for them the best we can. Do you have a challenge you are preparing for this week?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and also wishing everyone in the U.S. a Happy Labor Day.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

* not the best of picture of me lol, but woefully accurate of how I felt