Tag Archives: Friendship

The Christmas Gift I Never Forgot — and the Woman I Just Learned I Lost

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*Trigger warning, perhaps grab tissues, I know I should have* I wasn’t able to keep up with all the supportive comments yesterday as I received some devastating news midday. Oddly enough, it was right in keeping with the message of yesterday’s post – BE KIND.

Every December I write a post (shoot, and here come the tears again, they kinda haven’t stopped since yesterday afternoon) about the first Christmas after I got divorced.

I got divorced in November. It was either a few days before or after Thanksgiving. How’s that for timing? Needless to say I wasn’t really feeling the holiday spirit and if you have followed me long enough, you know I LOVE Christmas. Like, it’s my favorite time of year. It was hard that year though, for obvious reasons. I felt lonelier than ever. I felt worse about myself, than ever. I felt more doubt about my future, than ever. I felt more down, than ever.

So yeah, it was hard knowing Christmas was coming and that I wasn’t in the spirit? Well that just made it harder. I didn’t want to miss out on something so important to me. I just couldn’t lift my own spirits. Christmas for me isn’t about getting presents; it’s about creating magic and memories for and with my kids.

That said, it is nice to receive at least one gift and know that someone is thinking of you, you know? I knew that year, there wouldn’t be any presents for me under the tree when I came down Christmas morning. I knew I would have to wait until my parents arrived later that afternoon. This was a hard pill to swallow and it was bringing my spirits down even more. Right before the holiday break though, a package was delivered to my door.

I was PTO president that year and had become close with the Principal. We shared a lot in common. She too was going through a divorce. She too loved talking about leadership and obviously education. She too had children with ADHD. And she too, clearly liked to do nice things for others because the package was from her. “DREAM.” How appropriate. That is what the handwritten ornament said that laid on the coziest blanket I had yet to own.

Included was also a gift card to Barnes & Noble, Victoria’s Secret, and one to Dunkin’ Donuts. It was a gift basket inviting me to get some cozy pajamas, a hot cup of coffee and then curl up and read a good book. It was a gift to ensure that when I was by myself over the break, I had something to do…that I wasn’t totally “by myself.” The tears came to my eyes then, as they do now, the minute I saw the gift. The thoughtfulness was second to none.

That was in 2016. Nine years ago and it still, STILL warms my heart. That gift got me through my first Christmas divorced. That gift made me

*feel seen
*feel understood
*feel supported
*feel a heck of a lot less alone.

That gift gave me a “flicker of light,” to get through the holiday season. It was the nudge I needed to keep going on the hard days, the days I wanted to crawl back and in bed and hide or just bawl my eyes out. That gift was a lifeline. It invited me to dream of the future; of better moments, of better days, of better feelings.

I learned yesterday that the gift giver passed away unexpectedly. My heart broke when I read the news.

I used the phrase “flicker of light” directly from her obituary. Turns out, she had been the recipient of many “flickers of light” in her own life, during many of her own challenges, of which she had plenty and honestly, way too many. Her family was as grateful to those who gave to her, as I was to her. It was those “flickers of light” that kept my “gift giver” going for all the years that life tried so hard to weigh her down.

She was often misunderstood. But to me? Well, I understood her. And to me she had been nothing, absolutely nothing, but kind, thoughtful. To me, she had been one of the few people willing to listen to me. BE REAL during a REALly hard time. There aren’t a lot of people who have the heart, the courage, or the willingness to do that. I will never, ever forget that gift. I won’t forget the physical gift either, but the gift of letting me be real? Of letting me feel seen and understood? I won’t forget that either.

So I repeat, Be Kind, you never know the power or impact of one small action. And to my gift giver, one last thank you. Thank you for the gifts, and thank you for doing what you loved to do in your last days – teach.

Although I wish your passing didn’t have to be what made me really, REALly come to full realization of what I wanted to do with my life, it did. You taught me what my heart has always wanted and gave me the clarity I’ve been seeking for years. You gave me a final gift. Thank you, again. Your kindness of spirit will continue, I promise. Rest in peace. You deserve it. And to everyone here in this community, thank you for being here. Thank you for being kind, because I know you are. You always show such kindness to me and to everyone here through your comments.

Here, I
*feel seen
*feel understood
*feel supported
*feel a heck of a lot less alone and that, well that is just amazing. I hope you feel the same.

Sending my warmth, to go with your strength, today and always, and today I also send the reminder that it’s okay if you aren’t feeling strong today. Here, here you don’t have to be. Here, you can breathe, be at ease, and let your guard down. You don’t have to have it all together here.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

To everyone who is new here since yesterday, welcome and sorry for such a heavy post as your introduction to this community!

That said, this is me! I write about everything on my heart. I don’t hide. I believe in being real and I don’t really know any other way;) Besides, I know that we must experience the ups and the downs in life; the grays and the oranges so that we can truly live the life we want and be the person we want. We need the warm, uplifting orange moments to make the grays bearable and the grays well, gray happens. We can’t ignore them.

We need to acknowledge them and move through them so they don’t grow and cast a huge shadow on the bright, orange moments.

Adult Friendship: Why I Want More Than Three Local Friends

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I don’t have a lot of friends, at least not locally. And I’ll be honest, I wish I had a few more than three. Not because I need a lot, but because it’s fun to go out to dinner with a group sometimes, you know? And share a bunch of laughs, instead of a few? And also because each friend has different interests that overlap with yours so it’s nice to have a few of ’em.

Because every friend brings different thoughts, perspectives, and more so it helps expand your own thoughts and perspectives.

So yeah, sometimes I wish I had more friends, or at least, more friends locally. Does it mean I don’t love the few friends I have? Nah. Love ’em to pieces and am so grateful for them. It just means, sometimes I long for a little more. Some of the friend situations are my own doing because I’m not very good at keeping in touch. I have a couple of close friends in town who I rarely see. Our schedules hardly overlap and even if they do, I’m not great at reaching out ahead of time to see IF they do have plans that week or even the next.

And some of it’s my own doing because I haven’t put the effort in to meet new people. I haven’t put myself out there. I haven’t gone to events or joined groups with like minded people that I would connect with.

But then again, if I hardly have time for myself and the great friends I do have, why would I add more things to my “to do” list? It kinda doesn’t make sense, but also kinda does, ya know? Human connection is a necessity. Not just a want, a necessity. Please tell me this makes sense lol. And some of my friend situation is my own doing because, well, I’m me and my family is my family. They say when you get older you meet people and make friends through your kids.

Well, my kids aren’t overly involved in local activities so there’s that. And me? Well, I don’t party. I am not married. I’m REAL and am not fake. I seem to just stand on the outside of things, welcomed, but then not included. I don’t know. I just don’t seem to be invited to things or reached out for my number to grab coffee. At least, not that much. I’ve accepted it. It just, well, stinks. ALL THIS SAID…I have an amazing, uplifting story to share from the other day. And before you ask, yes, yes it also brought tears at the end of the day, tears of gratitude.

A few weeks ago, I got a random facebook message. Long story short, a mom from the college my son is going to connected some dots between people she knew and pages she and I are both on and figure out that her son and my son might have some things in common. She had also found a few other moms with sons with similar journeys. All of us live within 15 minutes of each other and one lives in California. Six of us have been texting the last month.

Sharing our fears. Asking questions. Giving support. Celebrating graduations. Experiencing similar emotions, together, that others might not understand. Talk about a gift.

Well, Thursday I got to meet two of the moms. Ladies…rare is the time where I have walked up to two women who I have never met and felt at ease. Am I right? I know you know what I mean. Rare is the time where I have met new women and just felt, well, like I could be me; where I could speak freely about my journey as the mom of my son; where I could share freely, honestly, openly without fear of judgement. Rare is the time when I could make jokes and laugh with people I JUST MET not minutes ago.

I spent all day with these ladies. It was amazing. We took a picture at the end of the day and I joked that we will take one again in four years. We all laughed and said, well hopefully four and not five or six;) The thing is, I truly feel we will all be together again in four years (or five or six) to take that photo. Oh how I hope so.

We are all getting together with our sons tomorrow. I can’t wait. I have been longing for this for so long. Soooo long. What a gift. Which brings me to my final point. One of the sessions they actually spoke of just this desire… BeLong(ing) that is. That is how they showed it on the screen. Their wish, their goal, is to ensure all students feel as if they belong because they know everyone has a longing for it. I had been longing to feel accepted. We all have that longing. To get that feeling though, it helps to be around the right people.

Those people aren’t just kind, those people have similar interests, similar journeys, similar a lot of things. Some things are different for sure, that helps us all to grow (there is beauty in differences!!!!) but similarities help us to feel as if we BeLong. I hope you all feel as if you BeLong here.

And I hope if you get nothing else from yet another long post from me 🙂 you feel inspired to take action to build up friendships that I know you are longing for – or reinforcing the ones you have. Tell me, share with me, how do you feel about your friendship circle these days? I have a hunch many of you might be feeling similar to me…

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you totally got this post.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why an Orange Dress Made Me Feel More Like Myself

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I got the message loud and clear. Buy the orange dress! So many of you sent me the link to this totally awesome orange dress from Quince. I was hesitant as they listed the color as red-something but turns out that it is 100% Orange Rhino orange and I love it. Do you know how I felt the moment I put it on?! HAPPY. Alive. Confident. Frigging awesome. It is so adorable and awesome and on brand lol. This picture isn’t the best one of me that I took (slight wardrobe malfunction, whatevers) but the best of the dress.

I will have to wear it again (easy!) and do a real photo shoot. But let’s step back for a moment and gain some perspective. I’m Sheila – a girl who from afar has loved clothes, especially dresses. I’ve loved getting dressed up. I’ve dreamed of dressing up more often. One thing I miss from my work days? My suits. My business outfits. My feeling sharp and put together. I’ve had a goal since January to “Put on Confident Clothes” every day.

No more just staying in workout clothes all day (except for when working around the house or in the yard or well, when life happens and other exceptions lol.) I finally listened to myself and leaned into my desire to dress up more. I finally listened and leaned into my desire to feel more confident on a daily, not a moment by moment basis. I finally listened and leaned into the fact I wanted to embrace: WHO CARES what people think if I go out in all orange and I am unapologetically, 100% bright?!

I’ve been putting on my “Confidence Clothes” (yep that is what it says as a task in my phone) daily and guess what?! Ladies, can I tell you how awesome it feels?! To listen to my heart, to lean into my desires, to have FUN?! To have a pep in my step?! I always felt clothes and fashion were unattainable for me because I am just not fashion forward, never really have been. No offense to my mom (who is totally reading this) but she wasn’t one to teach me about fashion.

We have very different styles. VERY different styles. I didn’t even learn about makeup or doing my hair. Any of that stuff. Not the end of the world, for sure. She taught me other things that mattered more – kindness, compassion, courage, yada yada (there you go mom, happy mother’s day.) But fashion, make-up, and accessorizing are things I’ve longed to learn about, to be good at.

And now I’m letting myself explore and have fun and I feel so much lighter as a result. What we wear matters. It does impact how we feel!

So thank you all for sending me the link to the dress! It truly energized me yesterday and made me feel better, helped me feel more me after days of feeling flat, dull and blech. May is mental health awareness month (should’ve made that my M, mental health!) Being honest with myself that I actually love clothes, honoring this insight and desire, and being 100% unapologetic about this side of me?! Oh it is so good for my mental health.

Being true to me – a key to my mental health. And as I write that, I feel I need to be even more honest with myself about other things. That includes sharing things with all of you. Hmmm, maybe next week. It’s been weighing on my mind and I’m ready to feel more free, more light. It’s Mental Health Awareness month after all and mental health matters to me, big time!

I’m curious…do you feel you are totally honest with yourself? Do you know when you aren’t telling yourself the truth? When you’re ignoring what your heart is saying? I do and ugh. I’m getting better at listening (only took a couple of years lol.) Happy FriYAY my friends! I hope you feel confident and comfortable and content in whatever you wear today – literally and figuratively.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, especially if what you put on today, literally or figuratively, doesn’t feel right. I hope you can take one action to feel better.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Saying Goodbye to a Home After Divorce: When Renovation Brings Up Everything

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Saying goodbye to the kitchen I designed with my ex-husband…the same kitchen where we celebrated birthdays and achievements, like my 365 days without yelling…the same kitchen where we stood and decided to end our marriage, where we decided to walk away from the dream we both so very much wanted, is turning out to be very, very hard. I am filled with both immense sadness and excitement. Life is both/and my friends.

I used to think it was black and white. I used to live in black and white, sometimes in gray. If there is one thing I’ve learned from my divorce, it’s the both/and. I’ve had to learn to hold space in the same hour for painful feelings and pleasurable ones. I’ve had to be an Orange Rhino day in and day out. I’ve had to really embrace that concept – that gray feelings are real and exist and need to be honored, and also that orange feelings, ones of warmth, positive energy, enthusiasm, ones that help us be present, be action oriented, be fulfilled, can exist too.

And the Orange feelings – they wrap the gray ones up with a big tight embrace so one can keep moving forward. Both/and Enthusiastic/Sad Orange/Gray And now I take my kiddos to school – literally using all the Orange energy I have to wrap up the gray with love so that I can be present with my kiddos and not snappy.

Sending my warmth to you, to go with your strength, today and always, especially if you too are working on wrapping up your gray this morning. Your gray is real. I see you.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

90 Days Without Alcohol: Why I Quietly Decided to Stop Drinking

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I have some news. I’ve debated sharing it but here goes, absolutely nothing, and absolutely everything all at once. This morning I celebrate a major milestone for myself. As of this morning, I have gone 90 days without having an alcoholic beverage. And ladies, I am so friggin’ proud and ecstatic and relieved.

Here’s my story. I haven’t really told anyone about this goal. It kinda just happened. I’ve been trying to get to a healthier weight to beat a type 2 diabetes diagnosis. My health coach suggested I cut back on my 1-2 drinks a week. “Many of my clients your age see a major difference when they do this.”

I knew this to be true, but 1-2 drinks couldn’t possibly make a difference. That’s when I started tracking my food intake. And drinks. And looked in the mirror. Big time.

The truth is, though, it wasn’t 1-2 drinks. Last November, it had become 3-4 a week and one week, it was 7, one nightly. Stress had been increasing, BIG time (clearly.) The end of the day came and my mind, my body, my everything craved a gin and tonic to relieve the stress, the pain, the everything and anything I hadn’t figured out how to cope with because I hadn’t figured out what was bothering me in the first place.

And that, my friends, was a big ‘ole wake up call. I knew that wanting alcohol to numb my pain and overwhelm wasn’t a good thing. You see… Alcoholism runs in my family and not just that – it has run over my family. It has changed lives, in many ways, and not for the better. I wish I could write more but I can’t without permission. For me though, it has always (until this past November) changed my life for the better.

It woke me up and made me say, “Never will I let alcohol ruin my life or my kids.” I have always grown up telling myself I would raise my boys aware of alcoholism and the impacts. I have been drunk less than 4 times as a result of what I have seen alcohol do. I have barely been buzzed for that matter. Even after someone told me, “You’d be a lot more fun if you drank,” I still stayed true to mostly avoiding alcohol. I have always known the negative impact alcohol holds and so I have kept it to a bare, bare minimum.

And so this fall, this fall when my body was practically demanding alcohol to feel better? And then my health coach said something along the lines of (and I am going to get this wrong and I am not giving medical advice): “Your body works harder to focus on removing the toxins that come with alcohol than fat.” Well, I decided that was it. I was going to give it a try. I mean, I’ve had 4 boys and collectively went 36 months without drinking.

I’ve gone years filled with only 1-2 drinks a week. There is certainly no reason I can’t go cold turkey. Oh, and did I mention at this time I was also starting to feel cruddy about myself more than usual? Feeling like a failure because I hadn’t hit some necessary goals? Yep. Let’s add that. I wanted to feel successful again. I yearned to feel successful. I knew that feeling successful would be contagious and would spill over into other areas of my life where I was struggling.

And I was right. Achieving one goal, one day at a time (which actually has been two goals – weight loss, and alcohol loss) has had a major waterfall effect in my life.

So today is a big celebration. I celebrate determination. I celebrate loving myself enough to try. I celebrate reminding myself of my goals every time I saw a drink and wanted one – including last night when the stress of wondering if I am going to meet my packing goal was omnipresent. I celebrate living a life aligned with my values, my goals. I celebrate showing my boys a lesson that matters so very much to me that I had temporarily walked away from.

I celebrate feeling a little more alive again, one day at a time. I celebrate because we should all celebrate any little or big wins we have. It is absolutely friggin necessary and not to mention, so much fun. Confetti is fun ladies. (Just do it in the garage, less mess haha.) I believe in all of us. I write that not to be cheesy or corny or whatever – I write that because I know not all of us have someone saying that.

We all deserve to have a hype person, someone telling us that. You are worthy of working towards the hard goal that you know will ultimately make you feel better. You are, truly.

Sending my warmth, to go with your strength, today and always. And if you need a little extra strength, I share that too. And if you are struggling and wanting to know more about this particular subject, I am a message away (a little preoccupied these two weeks with packing, but I am here.)

xoxo, Sheila


🧡 The Orange Rhino

Never Underestimate the Power of a Small Act of Kindness

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PSA: Never underestimate the power of an act of kindness. Ever. Also, controversial post coming. Kinda. For some it is, for me, it is so far from it.

My day started out pretty rough yesterday, hence no post. I will share about it tomorrow when I am one more day removed from it.

Today I will share what helped me come out of the gray patch. **** It was 5:15am and tears were running down my face. I tried my hardest to recover. To pull myself out of, well, some pretty cruddy, self-defeating, do me no good feelings. The struggle was real and I wasn’t winning. I called my mom to share one thousand different thoughts about all sorts of things and she said to me, “Well, you know what The Orange Rhino would say, right?” I knew where she was going.

My mom is wayyy more overly positive than I am. I am more realist than she is. Yes, yes I am an optimist. Yes, yes I look for the positive, for the bright spots. Absolutely, positive-friggin-lutely. (Yes, yes I also have a wee bit of a sailor’s mouth, sorry!) However, I also, unapologetically, believe that it is 1000% okay to admit to and fully feel the feels FIRST before seeing the positive, before being an optimist.

In fact, I emphatically believe it is necessary. And I told my mom that. “MOM. NO. That is not what The Orange Rhino would say. She would say, it is okay to not feel happy right this moment. It is okay to not be able to see the bright spots right now because sometimes, sometimes LIFE IS JUST HARD. Sometimes life just HURTS. Sometimes, sometimes no matter how many mental health tricks we try, no matter how well we talk to ourselves, no matter how well we process and rationalize what has happened, IT STILL STINKS and in the moment there is no bright spot.

The Orange Rhino would say, mom, to feel that, to honor that, to hold space for those feelings so they can breathe…SO THAT I CAN BREATHE and not be suffocated by the pain, the hurt, the disappointment. The Orange Rhino would say, let it out, let it flow freely so it can flow through you and you can move forward, a little bit lighter because it is THEN that you can see the bright spots and have space, MORE SPACE to let them in and fully embrace them.”

“Okay,” my mom said. “Yep. Got it.”

Y’all, my mom is reading this;) so here’s a bright spot for her;) at least I had someone to call. I know many of you will read this and wish you still had your mom to call. Hugs to you. And mom, here is another bright spot for ya. And here’s where the PSA comes into play. I hope The Orange Rhino I’m writing about is reading this! Not two hours after I got home, I saw a car I didn’t recognize driving past my house.

Our house number is not exactly easy to find. Y’all. Yesterday was my birthday and this Orange Rhino, a most wonderful person who I know from here and there but have never had the honor of actually grabbing lunch or coffee with, just chatting with at exercise class or in the bleachers, was at my door with flowers. She didn’t know about my morning. She was just being herself. Thoughtful. Kind.

And it turned my ENTIRE DAY around. It made me feel seen, loved. It gave me hope. One act. Probably took here ten, maybe fifteen minutes.

And it changed hours of my life. Take the time. Do the act. For someone else, or for yourself. The investment is worth it. I guarantee it. Be the warm, bright in someone’s day. You won’t regret it. And while you’re at. Be real and true to yourself. You won’t regret it.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you are needing a friend to show up at your door right now with flowers. Please know, that if I won the lottery today, I would be sending flowers to all of you daily to let you know I see you, I get you, and I’m rooting for you.

xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino

When Life Feels Hard and You’re Afraid to Say It Out Loud

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I’ve had a hard couple of days. And not just because it took me way longer to fully get better than I hoped. And not just because this meant that I couldn’t do things that helped me be in a good mind space: exercise, walk outside, hang with friends.

But because I’m having a hard time with this thing called LIFE. Time for transparency 🙂 (And pause. Do I dare share how I really feel right now? Will I be misunderstood? Judged? Do I want to be this vulnerable? I don’t know. Let’s write and see what comes out. Don’t you all love how I talk to myself midpost lol?)

I’m “bored.”

I’m finding life to be monotonous; everyday is the same ole, same ole. It’s uninspiring, unfulfilling. It’s anything but fun. The daily grind is simply weighing me down right now. I have so many daily needs that I have to get to that I can’t get to what I want to get to 🙁

I’m frustrated.

I’m finding parenting my four teens to be a never ending question of “is it ever going to click?” All of them are having me questioning my parenting, myself, right now. Frustrating is an understatement. I know I am a good parent and yet…and yet…really guys?!!!

I’m worried.

I’m finding myself not where I hoped I’d be work wise or finance wise by now. I’m finding myself wondering if many aspects of my life will work out okay, especially my kiddos.

I’m tired.

I’m finding it takes a lot of energy to keep going, to remain engaged, when one is bored, frustrated and worried. Like a lot, a lot. It’s hard to stay upbeat and energetic when one doesn’t have a lot of sources of positive, uplifting moments.

Right now, life is depleting, not giving. Or rather, it is taking more than it’s giving. This place gives me a lot:) but the rest of life is simply taking at a rapid pace and I can’t keep up.

So I guess you could summarize all of this with…

I’m struggling.

I realized this weekend that some of what I need to help me is what I’m missing: laughter, fun, in person human connection and clarity. I can’t make the daily grind disappear. I can’t change my kiddos current actions. I can’t make my life journey go any faster.

But I can add and create some positive oomph to my days. I can proactively add some orange energy to warm up the grayness. I can make plans with friends. I can watch a funny movie. I can adjust my exercise to give me more energy. I can reflect on my goals to get more clarity. I am struggling, but I can take action so that the struggle doesn’t win.

I’ve been there before, where the struggle won. I started yelling again. I stopped seeing as much beauty around me. It was blech. I don’t plan on going back there again. I’ve got one toe in that zone. The good news? I’m aware.

And I know what I gotta do. The other good news? I know where I want to go, I know where I don’t want to go and I know what I want to feel. I feel positive and hopeful that while I might still struggle, because I am human after all and these seasons happen, I will be okay. I will keep going.

And I guess I will post this after all. At least for a couple of minutes while I debate if it should stay up 😉 So, what will you do today to energize yourself and wrap yourself in positive energy so that the daily grind doesn’t win and bring you down?

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are feeling bored, worried, tired or any of what I shared above. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

*remember, I’m not a mental health expert. This is just me sharing my human experience. If you are having a hard time in life, know you aren’t alone and if you feel like you need help, please reach out to a professional for support. There is no shame in doing so. I talk to a therapist weekly 🙂 xoxo

ADHD Masking: What It Looks Like to Spend Years Hiding How Hard Things Are

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It’s Halloween and also the last day of October which is ADHD Awareness month so…perfect time for me to talk about masks. Even if you don’t have ADHD, please have a read, for me, for the kids who do. Kids will wear masks later today to be someone different – if even just for a little while.

Maybe they will pick that character because it’s fun, or scary, or just plain cool.

Or maybe they will pick it because it is so nice to take a break from being themselves.

Or maybe they will pick it because they don’t want to be noticed by classmates while they try to enjoy trick or treating, because in school the classmates give them a hard time because they have ADHD.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they don’t stop talking.

Maybe the classmates tease the kid because the teacher always calls them out for not paying attention.

Maybe the classmates give the kiddo a hard time because they make lots of small social snafus because their brain is going so fast it misses part of the conversation (or because their brain is developing differently, in general.) Who knows.

But what I do know? What really makes me want to yell? Is the lack of understanding around ADHD and more so the lack of understanding and empathy for those who have it – kids and adults alike.

And it’s the stigma around it. Oh the stigma and assumptions! ARGH!

“It’s not real.” Yes, yes it is. It is very, very real. It has lots of real challenges and lots of real upsides. Spend just an hour inside my brain and you’ll see.

“It’s all about physical hyperactivity.” Nope. For me? The hyperactivity is in my brain. My brain never stops going, ever. Like, did I mention ever?! It ruminates more than most and it is always coming up with new ideas. See? Challenges and upsides.

“It’s all because people don’t work hard enough to focus, to be disciplined, you name it.” Oh, oh we work hard. It’s all we do. Our efforts to focus and create new habits and follow systems that support us take us ADHDers more energy and many more attempts. It’s exhausting. Especially since said systems often need frequent tweaks to keep our brain on track.

“It doesn’t really impact one’s social life.” Yes, yes it does. It impacts friendships and relationships. I probably have lost a few friends because of my own social snafus and impulsively saying things I shouldn’t have. : ( My relationships are harder because of ADHD; because of losing focus, of forgetting things, of struggling with emotional regulation and being overwhelmed.

And that’s just me. –>I’m not talking about kids with ADHD who are truly left out. Having ADHD can be lonely. There is just so much to know about ADHD. I’m still learning. I’m a mom to four boys and several have ADHD. Learning about how to help myself, as a late diagnosis mom, while also learning to help them, while also knowing that we EACH have our different needs and tools? Well it’s enough to make my ADHD brain wanna explode. Overwhelming isn’t the word.

 And so I often feel shame. A lot of shame. Oh so much shame. Shame because there is such a gap in what I want to do and what I actually do, as a result of my ADHD brain. I know I’m a good mom and also, and also, I wish I had my diagnosis earlier so that I could have had a better handle on my symptoms earlier. So I could be better at helping my family.

But my diagnosis was only just recent because no one saw it or believed me when I started asking. Some said it’s because I wore the mask so well – because I worked so hard to get things right (to be organized, to be on time, to be successful, to be calm, whatever) that I couldn’t possibly have ADHD. I seemed to be doing well so how could I actually be struggling?

But oh did I ever and oh do I ever. And it’s exhausting. Working so hard to manage the symptoms and “keep up” is exhausting. Not to mention I have so much to learn and yet my older brain is struggling to take it all in. I’m determined though to keep learning, to keep supporting my kiddos the best I can, and to keep getting the word out about ADHD from my experience so that more people can take off their masks and breathe a little easier knowing that they’re not alone.

Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if you too are adjusting to an ADHD diagnosis or love someone who has it. I know it’s a lot and I know a lot of people don’t understand that. I do. I really, really do.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

 

Side note? If it weren’t for my ADHD? This page probably wouldn’t exist lol. I mean Orange + Rhino? The amount of steps my brain took to get there, to connect totally random dots?!

LOVE it, total upside to ADHD.

Why Burnout Advice Can Feel Like the Last Thing You Need

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I was scrolling social media last night (numbing myself if I’m gonna be totally honest) and stopped suddenly. A post about “how to avoid burnout” really ticked me off. It was well intentioned. Had great ideas. And yet, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Maybe it was my state of mind since I’m doing everything I can to avoid burnout as we speak and the last thing I needed right then was to read about how to avoid it.

I wanted to be seen.
Supported.
Listened to.
Understood.
I wanted everything “burning me out” to disappear.
I didn’t want to do more; I wanted everything causing me stress to go the blippidy blip away!

Which made me think. There is a self-care message that I feel isn’t said enough, especially in the social media world. (Wait, is there even another world of communication these days?) Maybe the message is out there but I don’t see it because I’m just bitter because I know in my heart I don’t “do self-care” well enough and I feel “shamed” by all the “you should do these things” messages.

Or maybe I miss the one message I seek because I’m just bitter because my life isn’t as “easy” as others who are able to “do” all the “self-care” things one “should” do to feel good as they take on modern day challenges.

Or maybe, it’s that I’m down to earth, and honest, and real, and I want people who are struggling, overwhelmed, tired, craving a break, really near burnout and in need of all these “self-care” suggestions (like me!) to feel really seen and not inadvertently shamed.

Most likely, it’s all of the above (as it always is of course!) The message? Actually messages, that I wish I saw more of?

(1) You can do everything you are “supposed” to do to avoid burnout, to take care of yourself, and still burnout. Maybe not total, complete burnout, but close enough.

And it isn’t because you failed or did a lousy job at “self-care” it’s because there are simply seasons that are overwhelmingly, massively HARD. They are so hard that the hits just keep coming at a rate faster than your well-intentioned self care actions can overcome. Again, it isn’t for your lack of trying or because you’re broken that you burnout. It’s because life can be unrelenting sometimes. So you do your best and love yourself fiercely through all the challenges; that is the ultimate self-care that will keep you going.

(2) All of these supposed ways to avoid burnout: – Set boundaries – Incorporate healthy sleep habits, exercise habits, etc… – Make life simple – Connect with friends Well they take time to learn so it’s not as easy as “do these things and you won’t burn out!” So again, let’s be kind to ourselves as we work to “not burnout.” But also, as you learn them, you might burn out along the way.

See point one once more 🙂

Also, once again, there are simply seasons where these can be hard!

When I tore my ACL? Yeah buh-bye sleep and exercise and simple life and HELLLO burnout. Divorce? Lost friends, sleep out the door, lost energy to remember to do the other things. HELLLLO burnout.

Do you see where I’m going? Again, loving ourselves through the hard is the ultimate self-care and yet, and YET that too is so hard to do sometimes because it’s also a skill that for some of us takes time to learn.

I “may or may not” have had some unkind things to say to myself last night. I’d like to blame my hormones but…I also know I can be kinder to myself and should be.

So I guess the third message? The one I really would have loved?

(3) Hey there. I see you scrolling. My guess is you are close to burn out. I know you’re working hard. Doing all the things to avoid burnout. To feel good. To parent well. To live well. To be well. To love well. It’s A LOT of work, I know.

Because right now life is A LOT of work. Some days I bet it feels like a battle, a battle I bet you wish would just get easier. Keep doing whatever little bit you can do today – it does make a difference. I’m thinking of you. I’m not going to tell you what to do to avoid burnout; you already know.

And I know you are trying so hard. I’m just going to tell you I’m here, with you, lending my hand if you need help. (Oh but I will tell you to be kind to yourself because I’m pretty sure you might be forgetting that part right now.) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always, and especially if this post resonated with you,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Make the Plans: Why Time With Friends Is Worth Prioritizing

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Okay, I normally don’t directly give advice because I firmly believe that within each of us, we know what we need and what is best for us and that the last thing we truly need is more advice. BUT, today, today I am giving you direct advice. More than advice actually. I am boldly telling you what to do.

Because I love ya 😉 I want you to read this post and then immediately take action to make plans with a friend or friends within the next week or sooner. I also don’t like to write just do it but…just do it!

Yesterday, I had so many positive interactions with friends that today I am overflowing with positive energy, strength, determination, courage and yes, even hope. And honestly, I just feel better. I feel renewed. Refreshed. I feel human. I feel alive. These are some needed and overdue feelings from these past weeks of back to school go-go-go.

Yesterday, I laughed so hard I cried. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I laughed so hard I *almost* peed in my pants. I can not remember the last time any of this happened. Oh, oh how I missed this kind of connection. The kind of connection where I smiled so wide that my heart cried. It happily cried from being understood, from being accepted, from being validated.

My heart happily cried from not feeling *weird* or different or *broken.*

My heart happily cried from rejoicing that it, that I, wasn’t alone, that my feelings were shared by others, that I could share with others without being judged.

My friends (that’s you all!) I know we all crave and so very much need connection.I look forward to the day when we get together and laugh as we share stories from our days and cry from sharing other stories.

But until then, I encourage you, I tell you, to reach out to one person and meet with them in person this week. You will feel soooo much better from it. I know we are busy and sometimes hesitant or even afraid to make plans. I know for many of us, placing the call, writing the text, making the plans, will take effort and maybe even feel uncomfortable after all these months or years.

But I also know that the comfort that will come after the little get together will be worth it. Beyond worth it. I almost didn’t have the chit chats I had yesterday. I was too busy. Too worried to share. Too uncomfortable. Too afraid to be rejected. I am so glad that I decided to be uncomfortable and to go there.

Because the comfort I found in the discomfort has me floating today. Happy Saturday to my Orange Rhino friends. I am grateful for you just as much as I am grateful for the local gals in my life.

Sending my warmth to go with the strength I know you have, today and always, and especially if you too sometimes crave more in person connection and struggle to make it happen…but will this week;) hint hint (not subtle at all)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino