Tag Archives: Aging

How The Orange Rhino Grew From Yelling Less to a Bigger Life Question

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Welcome to the new followers! I thought I would go back in time and do a little recap of where I started and how I got here today. Original O.R.’s…please fill in the blanks in the comments with any key information I might have missed. And don’t worry – I’m still gonna sneak in new nuggets in this post so it will have value to everyone who knows the history 😉

Way back in 2012 I started The Orange Rhino Challenge® which was my promise to my 4 boys, then ages 5 and under, to go 365 days straight without yelling at them. Turns out, I went 520 days! Three top things I did:

  1. I tracked when I yelled so I could find patterns and solutions
  2. I did all sorts of sensory type things to calm my body when I felt a “yell” coming on like splashing cold water on my phase, jumping jacks, dancing, getting out in nature
  3. I realized that so much of why I yelled had more to do with my anxiety or state of mind than it did my kids so I started using the phrase “at least” to change my perspective (at least it was a plastic jug of milk that spilled and not glass!) I did other things too but that was a favorite!

In the end, I realized that the real upside to learning to stop yelling was that not only did I no longer go to sleep hating myself and feeling immense shame, but I now went to sleep feeling more peace and happiness because I loved myself, my life and time with my kids more. Everything I was doing to yell less was making my life all around better!

Yelling wasn’t the real problem. It was a symptom. The kids weren’t the problem either. I was the problem, said with so, so much love. The way I was responding to life was the problem. And it wasn’t because I was broken or a bad person – it was simply because I didn’t yet have the skills or knowledge or awareness to know how to do better.

So anywho, on March 23, 2013 I went viral with an article on Huffington Post called, “10 Things I Learned When I Stopped Yelling at My Kids.” A book deal came from that and “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino® Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too” was born in 2014.

I could barely launch it as my youngest son got very sick. Then my oldest got sick. And then my marriage died. My confidence and so many other personal pieces of me that helped me to yell less died alongside my marriage. I started yelling again. It was awful. I felt like an imposter. I felt like a failure. Mostly, I felt alone, lost, scared. I felt unsure, disconnected and disappointed. How did I get to that point?! How had my life turned out this way? How had I become this person again?

The self-ridicule, self-doubt, self-hate rolled back in and rolled in hard. It planted its roots and stayed for a nice long while. UGH. 2016 to 2022 were hard years. That’s a big chunk of time, isn’t it?! I kinda don’t like seeing that on screen. That’s really hard to admit. I mean, 2016 to 2018 was the divorce so that makes sense. But then four more years? Okay, throw covid in there and that makes more sense and… WAIT why do I have to justify having a good chunk of hard years? I don’t. Life is just hard sometimes.

The weight of those years started taking a toll – on my body, my spirit and my mind. That shame I felt in 2012? When I yelled too much? It was back. Now it was shame that I wasn’t fully enjoying life, or even just enjoying it like I hoped to. I was a shell of the person I used to be and was a shell of the person I knew I could be. I hit a few breaking points that tried to rally me but didn’t work. 

Then in February 2022, I had a doctor’s appointment that woke me up. If an appointment can slap you in the face, this one did. Oh did it slap me hard.

ENOUGH Sheila. Open your eyes. Life is beautiful and you’re kinda missing it and I know you don’t want to be. I love black and white photos, and there is a place for gray in life and in home decor 😉 but me? I was done living a life without color. I made a choice that day. I chose to tell myself over and over and over again, “Girl, YOU CAN DO THIS. You can overcome all of these challenges that the world is throwing at you. You can live a life full of gray and still live a life full of color.”

I had already slowly started taking bigger steps forward, out of my stuck place. Now, my steps have become more intentional.

No more regrets.
No more feeling like I missed out.
No more being in an “eh” place.

Yes more love.
Yes more loving myself.
Yes more loving my life.
Yes more loving time with my kids.
Yes to really, truly, focusing and figuring out.

What do I need to live a colorful life again? What lights me up inside? What makes me laugh, smile? What do I dream of? What do I long for?

And the big ones, What is missing? Where do I find it? How do I find it? What is weighing me down the most? What is the heaviest on my heart, my mind that is holding me back and keeping me stuck? Keeping me from all of the above?

And the BIGGEST one, Okay, and now, you know the answers, how do you get there? The final answer? I needed to return to The Orange Rhino! The community that when I was actively a part of, I had a pep in my step and more peace in my heart. The Orange Rhino gave me connection, community, strength, support, and so much more.

So here I am, returned. I might not write directly about yelling anymore BUT and this is a big one, everything is about yelling! Yelling was never the real problem. My skills, the way I responded to life’ s challenges were the problem.

Because when I’m in a good place, when I’m doing all the things I’ve worked hard on the last couple of years, I’m strong like a rhino and I can peacefully handle most triggers than come my way…without yelling. I still yell. I’m human. I’m not meant to be perfect.

But I don’t yell at myself over and over and over again for it. That just makes it worse and leads to years of yelling, eh hem example 2016 – 2019 😉 Thanks for reading; you have the patience of someone who can indeed yell less 😉 Sending my warmth and my strength, today and always, and especially if you too might be working to live a life with a little more color in it.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

“You Have to Live to Live”: Why New Experiences Make Me Feel More Alive

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“You have to live, to live.” ~ The Orange Rhino® (or, if someone said it well before me and I just don’t know, then well, them.)

For some reason, this saying has been on repeat in my mind since the Superbowl. As I watched the commercials, my brain began churning, thinking about consumer behavior and the geniuses behind several concepts. I began to feel a little more excited and energized than earlier in the day. I distinctly remember thinking, “You have to live, to live.” How did I remember this?

Well simple, I wrote it down on a post it note. I remember writing it and thinking, well duh. But I also remember thinking, “well clearly you are writing it down because it impacted you so maybe not so duh.” Yes, I didn’t want to forget the saying, what it meant to me, and how I felt in that moment.

What it meant? Girl, you have to get out and do things, new things; things you love, things you miss; things that wake up your brain; things that make you grow, reflect; things out of the ordinary, mundane, everyday routine.

You need to live your life, not just go through it. And when you live it, actually live it by doing things in it – then you will find that you are actually, actively, living.

How I felt? ALIVE. Really, alive.

And it felt awesome. I felt energized. Joyful. Peaceful. Uplifted. Excited.

I felt the same way – and remember that saying – when I read a book a month or so on a quick vacation. The book had new ideas for self growth that got me thinking instead of just going along with status-quo about my life. I felt energized, hopeful, ready to try some new things.

I felt alive this past week when I stayed in a hotel for just one night with my son. Just one night, two hours from our home. We arrived and I had so much energy from being in a new place and from having just had dinner in a new type of pizza place.

I felt alive the next day, when we went exploring and had breakfast at this cute place and the walls reminded us to “start each day as if it were our birthday.” Yes! Start each day with joy and the extra pep in your step that *usually* comes with a birthday.

I felt alive just yesterday when I made myself put the monotonous house chores aside so that I could enjoy the rare, beautiful 80 degree day. We went shopping for some new plants and I researched different peonies and grasses. I then planted while listening to the birds.

And I felt alive last week when I chatted with the lady at CVS (see post from Saturday morning.) Anytime I have a random, kind interaction with a stranger or share a compliment, I feel alive. I want to live more. I want to be more intentional with my time. It is so, so easy to get into a standard routine. To not take breaks. To not nourish our minds or bodies with things we love or even new experiences. To just go about our days, quasi-really living, quasi just going through the motions.

I know. I do the quasi-really living a lot. Way more than I like. But everytime I really live, everytime I do something beyond the daily motions, I ask myself, why are you not doing this more? Why do you let yourself slip into the routine? It’s a great question.

But the bigger, perhaps better question, and easier to answer, is… What will I do today to feel like I really lived? To feel alive? To feel excited? To feel like I used the day well? What will you do? Just some Monday morning deep thoughts for ya;) Sending my warmth to go with your strength, today and always,

oxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Can Envy Be Useful? What a “Negative” Emotion Taught Me

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So often negative emotions are seen as only that – negative 🙂 So they are discouraged, ignored, or pushed down. You all know me though, I’m a believer in “feel all the feels.” All emotions add value or another. So I don’t see negative emotions as negative (unless they are used that way.)

 Last night, I had a full range of emotions – including envy – in a whopping span of five or so minutes. I had the option to let envy remain as a heavy, discouraging, negative feeling OR to let it lift me up. I chose the latter. Through a series of odd events, I discovered really cool information about a family relative right before going to bed.

At first, I felt inspired, uplifted. Thoughts like, “Wicked cool! Amazing! Holy schnikes!” ran through my mind. Their associated energies woke up my very tired, “is it bedtime yet” body. For a moment. Maybe two. Until eventually, the next thought popped up.

Before I share that thought, know that I’m okay with it. It might seem judgemental, negative, harsh. I see it as reflective. Empowering. Useful. That thought

“Wow. Look at my parents, my grandparents, my great-grandparents and other great-greats and cousins removed. Such smart people who made true contributions in their line of work. Who had passions and didn’t ignore them, but rather lived them. I have so many similar interests as them. Clearly interests in the brain and psychology and helping people are in my blood…and yet… and yet…

WHAT ABOUT ME? What am I doing? Why have I not acted fully like them? Why have I stopped short, and they went full speed ahead? Why have I held myself back? Why do I not believe that I could succeed in certain areas? Why do I dream, but not fully go forward?”

And lastly, “Oh, oh I am so tired of wishing and wanting and dreaming and not doing. I want to live a life pursuing my passions just like my great-great, or removed-removed, whatever he was relative.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this awakening if you will. It has happened a few times over the last five or so years. It’s part of what drove me back here.

When I started The Orange Rhino Challenge® to stop yelling for a year, when I started this community and started speaking with you all, I felt alive in a way I hadn’t in a while. My brain loved the intellectual challenge. My heart loved the emotional connections. All of me loved figuring out ways to help others yell less.

When I felt fully alive here, I had a pep in my step. I glowed. I felt confident, creative, excited,  energized. I laughed, smiled more. I had dreams and was actively walking towards them. It felt AMAZING. It was amazing.

So when my life started to get more grey, when the heaviness of life started to win, I knew where to return.

HERE.

To a place that brought out the best in me.

To a place where I lived fuller.

As I think back to last night, and reading about my relative and his contributions to the world of psychology and child development (not sharing names to protect privacy of my extended family), I do find myself feeling envious of all he achieved. Of all he went forward with. But envy isn’t bad. It’s a light shining on what matters to us -or- where we need to work a little bit. If we look at envy as a light, instead of as a weight, it will truly brighten the way forward towards where we want to go. It will brighten the way towards a more fulfilling life, a lighter life.

I’m excited for today, to see what my envy is telling me. I have a thousand hunches, all good. I feel excited. I feel a little more certain about the direction I’m supposed to be headed.

Reading more about my famous relative last night was exciting, then a little discouraging, and now, well now I just wish he was alive so we could have coffee and geek out and talk about the future of The Orange Rhino.

* If you and I were to have coffee today, what dream would you want to talk about? What would get you all giddy and excited? *

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always…so that you may keep going towards the life you dream of…and deserve!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Yelling Less Taught Me About Being More Playful With My Kids

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Playful.Y’all. Not a word I would have ever used to describe myself. Never in one thousand years. But since I stopped yelling? Or rather, when I am in an Orange Rhino state of mind (sorry Billy Joel, kinda just changed your lyrics, what can I say, you inspire me), I am. I am so playful. I am relaxed. I am light.

But it isn’t because I am not yelling. I am in an Orange Rhino state of mind because of one thousand things I am doing or rather, working on, constantly.

Like managing my anxiety.
Exercising (which by the way is taking a boat load of mental motivation this week. Ugh.)
Writing to this wonderful community.
Crying to my therapist.
Letting go of my anger of which I have plenty this month. Plenty.

In the span of one month, I received a diagnosis that could have been prevented if I was listened to one year ago.

My son received a diagnosis on Monday that could have been prevented if I was listened to last year, and the year before, and the year before that and the year before that.

So yeah, I’m angry. But the anger isn’t doing me good. It’s heavy. It weighs me down. It doesn’t feel good. It isn’t fun.

So I said hello to it, shared it, processed it and said goodbye for the day. It will probably come back today. And I will repeat the process.

Because I’d rather be playful. It just feels better. When there is the rare opening to chat with my teens and the moon and stars align and our moods align, I want to be playful with them.

Like last night. Darling teenager had the vanilla Haggen-dazs. He was eating right out of it as there wasn’t much left. I could have been annoyed at the bad manners OR I could join in and eat the ice cream with him. (No comments please. We have all sat and shared ice cream with a loved one, no?) I choose to have fun. What did I do? I secretly got a spoon. Then I snuck up on him, grabbed the ice cream and ran for it. I didn’t make it very far. But I did get one really good bite. And a lot of laughter. That filled my soul more.

Learning to let go of anger.
Learning to manage my anxiety.
Learning to set boundaries for myself.
Learning to feel all the feels.
Learning to see beauty even on the darkest days.
Learning to live fully… Not easy things for me to learn.

But things that have such wonderful upside that they are worth my energy. I mean just look, the upside was a core memory with my teenager. If I was still stuck in angry and bitter, that wouldn’t have happened.

Here’s to learning the tough stuff. And vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Sending warmth and strength today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What My Own Past Taught Me About Building Confidence

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Anyone else like me and lacking a wee bit of self-confidence at times? Got a surprise for you that helped me a lot… Earlier this year I was feeling overwhelmed at home. Who am I kidding! I felt overwhelmed overall, on and off all school year! I felt like a disorganized, ready to explode, lost, mess of a person a lot of the time. I was desperate to figure out how to “succeed” or “do better” at managing my life and hated that I didn’t know how.

“I can’t do this,” this being run by a household of busy teenagers, came to my mind too many times. I, we, survived the school year but I would have loved to do so a little more gracefully and I would’ve loved to figure out how to make life feel a little better, a little more manageable.

I kept looking outwards for answers. I read and researched online for hours. I tried other people’s systems that worked for them. I listened to podcasts galore. Nothing was clicking.

One day at the end of the school year, when I was about to lose my holy loving everything, I went for a walk to chill. I found myself laughing out loud as I thought, “Why is this so much harder than when I had four kids under five?! That was so much easier! Much less chaos. I had that under control. That was overwhelming but less so which for the life of me I can’t believe. I had less sleep. Less time to myself. More crying. More puke. What the heck?!”

I continued walking, mulling that memory over and it hit me. “It felt easier then and I felt like I was succeeding because we had a very specific routine that was easy to remember and easy to follow.” It was so true. I knew when naps and meals were and everything revolved around that. The structure gave me guideposts for the day and chunked out the day into smaller, more manageable pieces.

Obviously lack of activities and individual child requests made it easier but still – this insight was golden. I took this insight and looked at other times in my life where I felt like I was “succeeding” or “thriving” (or whatever word works for you) to see if the same insight applied. Sure enough, structure and routine were all very, very present. I knew it was important (we all do), I just didn’t understand HOW crucial it was for me in particular.

I didn’t need to download any more worksheets or gather input from others as to how to “succeed.” I already knew how to because I had done so in my life already. All I had to do was look into MY past and see when I DID SUCCEED and learn from that. All I had to do was look into my past and see the times when I was thriving and take notes about what was working, what felt right, what didn’t, and bring that learning to the present.

So as I sit here this morning, preparing for school to start next week, working on our new routines, it is obvious that there is no way I can be as structured as my past. WAY too many moving parts. While I can’t be as structured as I wish, I CAN find a way to apply the fact that having structure of some sort is a key to success for me AND be creative in defining what structure/routine looks like.

And I can also accept that structure and routine today will be different than they used to be and that’s okay – I will still be able to find less overwhelm with a little more routine in place than last year. I will also remember to keep it a priority and make sure that we don’t lose our routines even when the going gets tough. Which it will. Effective Tuesday. Sigh. Oh, and one more thing.

Here’s something we can all take away. Part of the structure that helped me years ago? I was guaranteed all kids took a nap at the same time at least five or six days a week if I was lucky which meant I had guaranteed down time SCHEDULED for ME and I always took it. I didn’t do that this year. Just sayin’.

So here’s to YOU and all that you know about yourself and all the times you have already succeeded! You are the best expert in you and I want you to remember that. It is so easy to forget how much knowledge (and strength!) we already have within. Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Parenting Advice That Was Hurting My Mental Health

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Warning: potentially unpopular opinion coming up. There is a widely used “core parenting statement/belief” that I recently realized has contributed in a somewhat harmful way to my own mental health and I want to address it. I’d like to say that I am prepared for backlash – but I know that I am not. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t deal well with controversy. But, I feel strongly that the message I am about to share needs to be heard because when I figured it out, I felt so much better about myself as a parent, as a person.

The shame, self-ridicule and intense pressure I put on myself as mom dropped tenfold when I stopped fully accepting and following this popular parenting belief shared and told by many a psychologist. And this statement isn’t just shared by psychologists in articles online and undoubtedly in books. It is widely shared in pretty square boxes with pretty fonts and images on Facebook and Instagram. It is shared on reels with relaxing, meant to be encouraging music.

The parenting belief is with good intention – it is meant to inspire us to be good parents. It is meant to help us raise our children with strong emotional iq, mindset, resiliency etc…. It is definitely meant to teach us something our parents might not have been taught and it definitely is not meant to shame us or put pressure on us.

And yet… I found myself bawling my eyes out in my minivan recently because of this darn supposedly helpful, gentle, encouraging, parenting reminder. I found myself bawling my eyes out because I had just dropped one of my sons off and we had just had a tough conversation about how things were going for him. He was having a hard time with something or other and said something negative about himself. He hurt and I hurt for him, oh did I ever.

And I hurt because I couldn’t help but wonder, as I often do as a mom, is this my fault? Did I mess up as a parent? Did I miss something? Did I not do a good enough job?

So before pulling away I went on my phone to admittedly, numb the pain for a bit. To avoid the feelings of yuck. To hopefully see something up-lifting. And sure enough, I saw some pretty image with different colored words and it was soothing to look at. Until I read the words.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

and BOOM there it was, the ever so popular parenting statement. I went from crying to bawling.

See, it was my fault. My son’s inner voice was being cruel to him so it must be my fault. I must have talked to him that way. Right? I must have said something incredibly mean and cruel to him because now he talked that way to himself. Clearly my words had become my son’s inner voice because that is what Facebook was telling me…as it had taught forever. I mean this saying has been EVERYWHERE and I mean everywhere for years. Years! I have seen it since the days I started writing as The Orange Rhino. I have never doubted it, never challenged it.

At first, I didn’t get it. Perhaps because my kids were young. But as they grew, I understood it more and I fully embraced it. Yes! Yes, that makes sense. My kids internalize what I say to them, what I say about them, how I say things to them – and even how I talk about myself. They watch me, mirror me, learn from me. They are learning to speak to themselves the way I speak to them and speak to myself. Yes, I get this, I believe it. “The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” Yes, true.

But there needs to be an asterisk or an edit. Because without that, this statement is a little dangerous in my opinion.

Here’s the challenge. This statement – while generally true – puts ALL the pressure on the parent to develop the child’s inner voice. It doesn’t mean to (and maybe it is just my experience) but it does.

And that is A LOT of pressure. A lot. One’s inner voice is super important. Like uber important. If one’s inner voice is too cruel, it can lead to severe depression and worse. (And if it is all the parent’s job to develop it – and the child develops a negative inner voice – then what will happen to the parent’s inner voice? See where I am going?)

I do not take inner voices lightly, which is why I do my best as a mom to watch how I talk to my kids…and why I will continue to. I absolutely want to help them develop a kind and loving inner voice. Heck to the yes on that!

But this statement – putting all the pressure on me?! That’s heavy and it’s inaccurate. Yes, as a parent we accept a certain level of responsibility – where it correctly lies. It lies here, on helping to develop our child’s inner voice, but not 100%.

In my fully accepting this parenting belief, I fully negatively impacted my own mental health. Not good.

After I stopped crying, I suddenly had an AHA moment. A major, life changing one. An, I can breathe one.

Something my son said suddenly clicked for me. He commented about something that happened years ago. He then commented about something that happened in an online game. He was commenting about all social interactions happening here and there and today and then. He was telling me what the asterisk to the comment was.

I said to myself, “What a freakin’ second. Hold the phone. This statement is outright WRONG. I am not the only voice my son hears. Yes, I am part of it and yes I have made mistakes and at times said the wrong thing. I am human. But there is more.

The world hasn’t always been kind to him either. My son’s inner voice? It doesn’t develop just from me. It also develops from everyone in his life and how they talk to him. How his peers do. How online video game strangers do. How teachers do. How strangers do with the looks they give. How advertisements do. I am not the only person talking to my son. I am not the only person contributing to his inner voice. This is not my fault. I am a good loving parent. The way we talk to our children becomes (insert) PART of their inner voice*

*And also, so does the way the world talks to them.”

And I cry again. Why?

Because I hurt for my son and how the world wasn’t so nice to him at times, how loudly and repeatedly it talked to him. And also, perhaps more so, because my inner voice is cruel to me sometimes.

Because I have been telling myself that my son’s negative voice is all my fault, that I failed my son.

Because I have been putting all the pressure on myself to be the best parent, to speak to my children flawlessly to help build their inner voices.

Because there are so many voices out there telling me how to be a better parent; telling me which rules to follow to ensure I don’t screw my child up; telling me to do this, to do that.

Because there are so many voices out there with innocent messages about parenting that I feel like if I am not trying to improve as a parent that I am failing. I know, ironic coming from someone literally writing a parenting piece. I am well aware. Beyond aware.

Every day I struggle with this exact challenge of mine and every time I write, I try to make sure my messaging is what I want. I do not want to add to the voices that add pressure to parents to do better.

I do not want to add to your critical inner voice – I want to help yours and my inner voices to be kinder. I want to help my sons’ inner voices to be kinder. Because we all deserve kind and loving messages.

So here are yours for today. You are a good parent. You are doing a great job. You do not need to be perfect. You are doing your best. You do not need to carry all the responsibility for how your child turns out because there are invisible factors at play you can’t control – and visible factors at play you can’t control. Let go of all the pressure you put on yourself. You deserve kindness – and that includes telling yourself you are a good parent. ©2023 The Orange Rhino

Note: The Orange Rhino stands for warmth and positivity, amongst other things. I deserve kind and loving messages too – as does the original creator of the comment. Again, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the statement. If you do not agree with this post, I ask that you refrain from negative commenting – towards me and towards the creator of the statement.

I welcome differing opinions in the right tone and right forum, but if your comment is neither, I will delete without hesitation. Thank you for understanding and for sharing messages that support and build people up, not taking them down.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I Yelled at My Teen — and It Wasn’t Really About Him

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And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.

And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.

My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.

And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.

So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.

The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…

I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.

I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.

I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.

So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.

But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…

You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.

I am excited for new people to hear my story.

Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.

Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.

Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.

Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.

Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.

You know what else it shows?

That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.

And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.

We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…

Warmly, The Orange Rhino

P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.

They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

When a Conversation About Weight Is Really About Self-Worth

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I hesitate to share this post because I don’t really want to get into my weight and all that but something happened recently that led to a great insight that I want to share. So as you read this realize it really isn’t about my weight 🙂 Okay, onward!

A few weeks before Thanksgiving I saw my primary doctor for my annual visit. She asked me if I had any concerns and I laughed and said, “where do I start?!” I shared my biggest one: my weight. I told her I knew that my weight was of concern given that I was well overweight and that I am pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and High Blood Pressure (already borderline there).

I shared everything that I was doing and that my biggest concern was that despite doing everything “right” nothing was working. She shared my concerns and referred me to a different doctor for a more detailed workup.

The next day I found myself starting to get super frustrated and down on myself about my weight. My mind started to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking and all the “I can’t do this anymore, I am so tired of my weight” but then I somehow, miraculously, said to myself, “You have a plan. Do not worry. You have a plan. You have an appointment with the new doctor and you are going to figure this whole weight thing out. Just be patient.”

Immediately, and I mean immediately, I felt calm. My brain stopped in its tracks and the negative thinking subsided.

The mere statement, “I have a plan” gave me hope.
Gave me reassurance.
Gave me peace.
Gave me calm.
Gave me power.

Never has a statement or mantra worked so well for me. It was golden. I was so excited! Fast forward a week. It is the day of my appointment and I am actually excited for this appointment that is the first step in my plan to help with my weight – to help with my struggle – to help with an area where I am working so hard and getting nowhere and feeling so dejected. This appointment wasn’t about my weight anymore, it was about my well being.

The appointment was a virtual one and actually wasn’t with the doctor. It was with the intake coordinator to figure out who was the best fit in the practice. Two hours before said appointment I got a phone call, “Hi, we have an appointment at 11. I was looking at your BMI and your file and while yes you are indeed overweight (oh thank you very much for that by the way the indeed was really a nice added touch) you aren’t overweight ENOUGH and even though you are pre-disposed to Type 2 Diabetes and have the markers, you aren’t diabetic yet. You don’t qualify for help.”

Folks, I had to even stop typing right now because even writing this story, the disbelief and anger left me without words. I get it – a lot of people need help and the office needs parameters so they can help the most in needed.

But here I am, legitimately also needing help and not able to get it until things get worse. I was so shocked – and so sad and discouraged – that I could barely ask follow up questions. She did say I should follow up with my Thyroid doctor and I told her I had an appointment but not for three months.

She said I could try a nutritionist in the group and I said I don’t need help with that, I am already doing that and it isn’t working. Something in my body isn’t clicking, isn’t working. I need help, I reiterated. I basically only got an, “I’m sorry. Best of of luck.”

I needed help and I was denied it.

I had a plan and it was destroyed.

I was left feeling so incredibly discouraged. Beyond discouraged.

This was weeks ago and I have really struggled since with motivation to keep going with my current plan of eating healthy, exercising, drinking more water, getting good sleep, etc… because it feels like a moot point. It is so hard to work on something without progress, is it not?

 And yet, I need to keep going with this current plan because I know the doctor in three months will ask if I did all of these things. It is so hard to follow a plan that doesn’t really feel much like a solid plan anymore.

Which brings me back to the beginning. I was so excited for my doctor’s appointment because it gave me a plan which gave me hope.

Knowing that I was taking a step in the right direction
– that I was going to have support
– that there would be actual help and tools and guidance
– that I would make progress
– that my challenge would be made easier
– all of this gave me hope and motivation.

And through all of these feelings one thing kept coming to mind. And it wasn’t my weight. It was The Orange Rhino. I don’t want you all to lose hope like I have. I don’t want you all to feel denied of help. I don’t want you all to feel discouraged. I want you all to have a plan to yell less.

So two things:
(1) Track your triggers – notice when and why and where you yell. Because when you have those pieces of information, you can create a plan, a roadmap of how to tackle those moments, those triggers and you can start having an easier time making progress at yelling less and loving more. Trigger awareness will allow you to say to yourself in a moment when you feel discouraged and want to stop trying, “Wait, I have a Plan.”

(2) Coming January (all fingers crossed that I get my sh*t together), in some shape or form, I will be doing some sort of either 30-Day Challenge or Book Club or Trigger Tracking Workshop. Something. I don’t know what. But I can help. And I want to.

So there ya go. Please don’t take away from this post “The Orange Rhino doesn’t like her weight.” Instead take away the powerful mantra, “I have a plan.” And go and start creating one today, one trigger at a time! Go and plan how to manage/respond one trigger today and you will be on your way to yelling less than you did yesterday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Bedtime Knock That Reminded Me to Notice the Good Before Reacting

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Okay. So the following just happened and I am still in shock. Quite the antithesis to the start of my day.

I am putting 11 yo to bed. Door is shut. 16 yo comes to door.

Okay, so far normal. But wait. Then he knocked and asked if he could come in?! Normally he just barges in, wakes up 11 yo and I get annoyed.

So the knock totally threw me! I sensed something was up (thank God Orange Rhino me was present so I focused on the good of the knock and not the negative of the interruption) and said, “Sure, come in.”

“Mom, I just wanted to say thank you for the new mattress and for getting the special sheets so I stay cool at night. Thanks for caring about me and making sure I sleep well.”

Whoa. I could have…should have…kept my mouth quiet and said you are welcome but I was so floored that I had to say, “You are most welcome and thank you for appreciating me. It means a lot. May I ask what prompted this?”

Teenager: “I don’t know, I just saw my bed and remembered how well I slept last night and realized I don’t say thank you enough or that I love you enough.”

Oh my word.

Still speechless. And yes, tears totally came to my eyes. There is a light at the end of the teenage tunnel folks. All of our children have the flicker inside of them – it grows especially strong when we see the good. If and when you read this 16yo, love you kiddo! And if and when you all read this, keep the faith! Keep Orange Rhino’ing on because it is worth it.   ​

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Stopped Holding Back and Started Writing Honestly Again

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Ok. Raw post coming up. Well, coming now.

A few weeks ago Bounceback Parenting unprompted, made this beautiful video review of my book. Her words brought me to tears because she said how she loved how real and raw I was. I hadn’t been feeling very real and raw with you all (real yes, raw, no) because I had been holding back. I had full intentions of coming on here a few days after her post and writing a very real and raw post about where I went for seven years.

Clearly that didn’t happen…YET. It is coming. The truth is though – the story is a wee bit stuck inside. I sat down this morning to start writing it because I really want to fully share it because some of the questions you all asked this week are hard to honestly and authentically answer without my 7 year story.

Instead of writing I started a timeline of the last 10 years. The minute I got to 2015 (a few months after my book published) I found my fingers slowing down. The thoughts getting stuck. Except for one. I share that thought with you today (after this paragraph) as you go into the weekend so that perhaps you can act on it. The rest of the story will be coming because I NEED to get it out of me. It is just not helping my mood being stuck inside.

So, the one thought that is clear as day and doesn’t hesitate to come off of my fingertips? One of the biggest reasons The Orange Rhino blog and FB took a break was… FEAR.

I let fear win for a long ass time. I don’t regret a lot in my life, but this, this I do. This I really do. Don’t let fear win this weekend. BUT if you do…know it isn’t the end of the world.

Do I regret letting this page go for 7 years? You sure as hell bet I do.

BUT I am choosing to believe that even though fear won, and I regret that, maybe the break was needed and maybe, just maybe, coming back now was the actual plan. That re-starting in 2022 was the bigger picture. Is this true, I don’t know. But I do know that staying in the world of regret does me no good.

So whenever my brain starts to feel upset that I essentially walked away, whenever my brain starts to think what could have been, I let myself feel that (I don’t believe in ignoring feelings) and then I go to the, it’s okay. Maybe this is the time Orange Rhino was supposed to come back.

Showing up here can be hard. That FEAR is like a fifth little bird on my orange rhino back.

But I am not going to feed it. Those birds by the way symbolize my 4 boys. In the real world, they are called oxpeckers – they remove the ticks from the rhino skin which feeds the birds (so rhino helps the birds) and which helps the rhino stay healthy.

So the birds and rhino help each other / feed each other. Those 4 birds that represent my sons can stay. That fifth one – FEAR – I refuse to feed. I know sometimes I might feed it a little, but not enough that he wants to come back. At least that is my plan.

So this weekend, try not to let FEAR win. Tell yourself you got this. Show up to that tough moment. And charge forward with confidence. And if you don’t have the confidence, fake it. Thank you all so much for being here and for coming back after all these years. xoxo

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino