I kept trying not to cry. I knew getting upset would make it all hurt more. But I couldn’t help it. I did okay during the local anesthesia on my scalp. I made some weird noises out of discomfort. Wiggled my feet even. Otherwise I stayed perfectly still (kinda had no choice lol) The nurse? No judgement. Just a loving, gentle, “it’s okay, make all the noises you need to make. Wiggle your toes. Hum. Whatever helps you.
You’re doing great.” How nice not to be judged. Next up? Shaving my scalp. The minute they started to shave my head, the tears slowly formed at the corner of my eyes. I willed myself to stop because I knew if my blood pressure went up, it would create more pressure in the area where the procedure was about to take place. I successfully stopped (after a nice little pep talk with myself.) But then came round two of the procedure.
My face was covered. More hair needed to be shaved. Darnit. I tried and tried but couldn’t stop the tears. It was a much bigger area than expected.
When they were done, the cloth was removed from my face and the nurse, again so loving and gentle, and without judgement, said, “Oh, I see a tear.” Before I could ask, she had a tissue in hand and was dabbing my tears away. No, “are you okay?” or even a toxic positive pep talk. She instantly acted, let me feel, and didn’t make me talk or explain. She saw me. She was with me. She let me be me. Such an incredible gift.
Truth is that I was embarrassed for crying. I have had four of these procedures, one even on my eyelid, and I’ve never cried.
But this? This just hits different. I was so appreciative of her in that moment. The entire team knew the size of skin removed was larger than planned. The doctor knows me by now since we see each other every 6 months or so for a MOHs procedure. I’m so grateful for him and his team. Such incredibly kind, loving people. My plastic surgeon and his team were also reassuring. He did a great job. Kept me out of the operating room (which both he and my other surgeon didn’t know if it was possible) and was able to hide most of the scar in the hair.
I will still look different. But it is so much better than other outcomes. And now to go look for the most awesome daily beach hat to wear so I don’t need to keep repeating this little pattern. Oddly enough, I love, love, love hats but don’t like how I look in them.
But then again, that’s how I felt about sunglasses and now I found a pair I like. Who knows, maybe I’ll find one that can be embroidered with a cute ‘lil Orange Rhino?! Hoping you all are having a good week so far, and thanking you for your loving messages yesterday. (I’m still catching up. Did lots of sleeping yesterday and today.)
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
