Tag Archives: Teen Parenting

Life Charges at Us: Why I Need to Recharge Before I Can Take Charge

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Life Charges at us sometimes. In so many, many different ways. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it is just a fact of life. Unexpected life changes. Children having wicked tough days. Family emergencies. Personal emergencies. BACK TO SCHOOL go-go-go preparations! It can be a lot. And that was a short list!

Time to Re-Charge so we can Take Charge (of what we can.) Just a little Monday morning thought given “The Orange Rhino” and all and one I have been playing with and reminding myself of when I feel life charging at me. Re-charge Sheila so you can Take Charge!

Did you know Rhinos charge because they feel threatened, provoked, triggered? Parents charge vis-a-vis yelling for the same reasons. Hence how I identified with a rhino years upon years ago lol.

I added the orange for much needed warmth, confidence, and positive energy and because I didn’t want to charge/yell.

I added four pink birds, one for each of my sons, to represent love, community support and because well, I love the color pink;) But the more and more I think about it, The Orange Rhino truly is about more than yelling and parenting.

When I used to yell, while on the surface it seemed I was triggered in the moment by my kids, I was really triggered/threatened/provoked by LIFE, which yes, includes people in my life. Which yes, also includes ME which was my major conclusion years ago. In my book, I wrote that “It’s not you, it’s me” meaning the kids weren’t the trigger, it was me.

Still stand by that, in the sense that if I wanted to stop yelling, I had to look within instead of out. Now, I expand. I need to look within, and then look out again. I have spent the last year, and a few years prior looking out at my LIFE. What in my life feels threatening? Real or imagined? What in my life triggers me? From my past? My future? What in my life provokes me? To think? To act? To want to fight – sometimes in a good way, sometimes not so much?

I can learn from all the moments that make me want to charge…and all the moments when I feel life charging at me. And I can make sure to re-charge myself as much as possible –> so that I am ready for said “want to charge moments” –> so that I remain warm and loving and respectful. Oooh, here’s another one. So that I remain positively charged;) and have a productive interaction –> so that I can then use what I learned and “take charge” of my knowledge and move forward. Clearly so many fun ways to use the word charge that aren’t negative!

Speaking of charging, my darling sons are waking up and as lovely and “grown up” as they are, without food in them, there will be some legit charging at each other. Puberty and hormones and four teen boys is just, um, A LOT.

Sending warmth and strength to you all today, as you start your week! Remember to re-charge every now and then so you can take charge and have the day you want. If it looks to be a cruddy day, take charge of the moment to find some joy – a funny video, a good chat with a friend. Add some good to the crud! And if you aren’t feeling positively charged at all, that’s okay. Some days are like that. Happy Monday!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

#TheOrangeRhino #yelllesslovemore #theorangerhinochallenge #rechargetotakecharge

Will my Teens Turn to me When They are “Lost”? I Sure Hope So.

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*Tissue warning*

Ah, the good ‘ole “Lost and Found” basket at schools, at homes, at wherever. I, of course, naturally thought about this basket soon after I thought about myself being “Lost and Found.” Because well, you all know the random connections my brain makes and also, with the end of the school year approaching way too quickly, the “Come check Lost and Found one more time” email reminders are as plentiful as ever.

The emails always make me chuckle as they reflect the trends for the year; you know, the things the teens absolutely had to have. This year? Well this years’ photos were especially funny; fancy water bottles to keep water super, duper, wicked cold, next to “hoodies” to keep one super, duper, wicked warm and cozy. Lol.

I love teens. And kids. Especially my kids. Why? Lots of reasons but mostly because of alllll the photos…between all the schools…and yet not one of our missing water bottles can be found. Where oh where did they go? To the land of the spoons and phone chargers?

One shall never know…. But I shall always know this. And this deep thought came to me as I ended my walk on Sunday and it led me to tears.

So here is where you grab the tissues (I had none, so sleeve it was.)

The beauty of the “Lost and Found” basket in the schools – and at hotels, and concerts, and everywhere you go, is that everyone knows that they exist.

Everyone knows that there is a place to go when you lose what matters to you. And additionally, there are always meeting points and places you know to go when you are, literally, lost.

I want to be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons.

I guess I am the basket already (literally at night and figuratively otherwise.) I’m always there. Even when empty, when my kids are doing fine and are on their ways and doing well in their worlds and not lost at all, I’m there. I remain. Like a “Lost and Found” basket, I am never put away. I patiently wait for when I am needed, for when my children feel lost and need help finding their way, however that looks.

Whether it be when they feel overwhelmed and lost in school, and need help studying so they feel confident again.

Whether it be when they feel confused and lost in a social matter, and need help navigating it so they feel comfortable.

Whether it be when they feel down and out and lost in life in general, and need help… NOPE… just need a listening ear so they feel less alone.

Or, whether it be when they feel frustrated because they literally lost something that mattered to them and need help finding it, so they feel less anxious. (Oh I get this. And oh I want to lecture on responsibility but my kids are as human as I am when it comes to misplacing things – it simply happens sometimes and when it does, I am there to help them.)

Whatever it is, whenever it is, I hope to always be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons – the place they know that is always there to go to when they feel lost.

And I hope that when they move on to college (way sooner that I am ready to admit) and then onto their own lives and go on walks like I did and realize they are lost on a greater scale, that they still call me.

And I know that what I do today will directly impact whether or not I get that phone call in the future. So I continue to focus on developing a strong, trusting, loving relationship with my teens (as I did when they were little ones.) I continue to work on…

~ Connecting before “correcting.”

~ Listening more, lecturing less. (oof this is hard)

~ Working with them, not against them. (Same team!)

~ Taking things less personal, period, so I don’t overreact and escalate matters.

~ Remembering they are humans too – with good days and bad days, just like me.

~ Focusing on what matters, what really, really matters.

~ And making relationship repairs after I have yelled or made a mistake because if I don’t, my “Lost and Found” basket will end up with lots of rips and tears and holes in it.

And I don’t want that. It is a privilege to figuratively be my childrens’ “Lost and Found” basket and I so want to remain as such.

So repairs I make, as frequently as needed. Finding my way as an adult is hard. Finding my way when I was a teen was hard. Finding my way AS A PARENT of a TEEN is hard. I can only imagine how my teens feel finding their way in this world. And so I remain. As the “Lost and Found” basket. Always there. Always waiting, even when not needed, so that I am ready for the moment I am.

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always.

Warmth today if you are feeling the feels of the thought of your kiddos going off into the world soon, Strength today if your child is feeling lost and you currently are there for them, remaining, listening, supporting, just being. I know how hard it is to be there. It is heartbreaking.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

(And fear not dear Fellow Orange Rhinos, this lovely sign does not always exist so crisp and perfect. In fact, it doesn’t exist;) It was made solely for the purpose of this picture. I wrote this post as part of yesterday’s post and decided to make it its own. Then decided that the post needed a picture.

And then well, filling the basket – which yes does exist as a “Mom’s Lost and Found Basket” was super easy to fill. It contains a hat, an iPad, a t-shirt, some socks. Actually, lots of socks. And no, no missing water bottles. Or spoons. Or chargers.)

© 2023 The Orange Rhino

 

Parenting Teens: How Kids Can Make You Want to Scream With Frustration and Joy

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Let’s be totally honest – kids make you want to scream with frustration and also, with joy, with excitement, with pride, with love. I had one of the latter moments yesterday. And fear you not, several of the others as well, both before and after the good moment.

It’s just been a trying time here in this Orange Rhino household of teens lately, which is why this one yelling moment out of joy was that much more special.

My boys were at their dad’s this weekend. They often don’t call when they are there. At first it really hurt and I took it personally, not gonna lie. Then, after several weekends of them saying the same thing the minute they walked in the door, “Hi mom! Love you! Sorry I didn’t call this weekend but…” I started to understand where they were coming from with not calling and didn’t take it as personal.

And I knew we were both having a hard time with the adjustment. The upside to this? When I do get a call?! Especially when one kiddo who never, ever calls?! It is that much more golden.

Okay, well, it is 50/50 golden when he calls. Scratch that. 33/33/33 (and can someone please come up with a clever way to make that sound easy like 50/50. Is it 33% equally? 33% all around? I don’t know. Anywho.)

33% chance he needs me to do something for him which while annoying and totally teenager, I still welcome the chance to hear his voice, the opportunity to talk to him about life and the fun of talking to a third person about calling just because he needs something. We are still learning phone manners here. Holy schnikes!

This is of course his favorite thing I do. Insert eye rolls. After he finishes his request for some game thing or another, I’ll playfully go “Oh, hi mom. I just called to say I love you. I need something and that something is to talk to! I miss you!”

He’ll giggle, yes giggle, and say, “I know, sorry. Hi mom, how are you, how is your weekend?”

33% something is wrong. There was the time he Face-timed me. Then I was actually worried and rightfully so because one look and I knew something was wrong – this was the beginning of the great Hand Mouth Throat takeover of 2022.

It was swell. And the 33% Sheer Joy. The truth is just calling to say I love you or I am thinking of you. Which brings us to yesterday’s call.

“So mom, I was just thinking. I was watching You Tube…” I tried to stay focused but all I could think was oh lordy, what crazy, ridiculous story am I going to hear and have to pretend to be excited about or have to “not lecture” about but somehow teach about the inappropriateness of the content?!

Focus, girl, focus. He called for you. Embrace the moment! Believe there is good to come! 

“…and somehow I ended up watching a video about…” bracing myself… “extinct animals.” SAFE, I think?! “Oh, cool!” I said enthusiastically.

“And then, they started talking about Rhinos actually. And how people are killing them for their horns and how they could be extinct soon. And it made me think of you.”

Needed to brace myself again. This had complete and utter potential to go two ways:

(1) It made me think of you dying or

(2) it made me think of you and The Orange Rhino.

This was a legit 50/50. No 33% equally here! We journey on into the conversation. “It did? How so?” I asked curiously, and genuinely. I was so touched that he made a connection to me when seeing Rhinos.

“Well, you know how you are The Orange Rhino?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking. I mean, you don’t let me have Facebook or social media so I don’t know how it works, but like, maybe people don’t know what The Orange Rhino is?”

Yes, SAFE!

“Maybe they are confused and are thinking it is about saving Rhinos? And maybe they think there are actually Orange Rhinos? And also, you know how I want to make money? Maybe I could work for you somehow? I don’t know. Just thought of you. Wanted to share. That’s it.”

“WOW, sweetheart. That is totally awesome. I am really touched, truly. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” I said and as I write, I sit here tearing up, a voice inside me yelling with joy,  “YES! He is a love! He does think of me!”

“So seriously, can I work for you somehow and make money?” And now I giggled, because, well, kids.

“I don’t know honey, but maybe. We will see. I do love your insights though and they are spot on. I am actually working right now to make it more clear what an Orange Rhino is. Way to go. Hope you are having a great weekend.”

“I am. Okay. Love you. Bye.”

And that was that. But so much more than that.

One of the reasons I started writing again was for my boys to see me “working” and doing something I love. To see me having goals and going after them. To see me having dreams and chasing them. My son saw me enough to think of me when not with me and so much so to call me. Major win yesterday, a major win. YELLING with excitement!

And also, he is right. Perhaps there is confusion to all who are new or even anyone who sees the phrase “The Orange Rhino.” What is it? I know it was a little more clear when I had the word Challenge there. Oh, it’s a challenge. And then clearly, one look at my website, oh, a challenge to stop yelling.

But why a rhino? Well, one day in the beginning when I was searching for a symbol so I could remain anonymous, my son was yelling at me while picking his nose. I said calmly, “If I can’t yell what does that mean for you?”

He replied, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” This inspired me to google Rhino for some reason (my brain works in wondrous ways) and voila…

“Grey Rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked (threatened.)”

Well, I’ll be! I was a Grey Rhino. I charged when provoked vis-a-vis yelling and saw myself as naturally calm. Anywho, I wanted to respond with warmth and love and no longer with yelling. I needed the energy and determination to do so time and time again. I needed the color Orange in my life! And so, The Orange Rhino was born! The Orange Rhino did appear to face extinction for a while, but really, was just evolving.

And wow, as I write that, powerful statement, no? How often do we think we are on a dead end path but really we are gathering information, experiences and insights to help us on a new path? We just don’t realize it at the time of course…. I thought The Orange Rhino was headed towards extinction, but really was just evolving. The Orange Rhino still represents Yelling Less, but now, also more. The Orange Rhino represents Yelling Less all Around – at our kids, at ourselves, from ourselves and from our lives.

Because yelling doesn’t just happen because of our kids, and it doesn’t just happen towards our kids.

Yelling happens because of ourselves and our thoughts, the negative ones we listen to too much, the positive ones we don’t listen to enough.

Yelling happens because of our lives, our connections, our experiences, our actions, our inactions.

The Orange Rhino is evolving, but at the core is still the same thing: warmth and love. Warmth and love for my kids, Warmth and Love for myself, and making sure I am in a life that is giving Warmth and Love back to me. My son gave me loads of warmth and love yesterday with a simple phone call. I won’t get all moments right with him, nor him with me. Neither of us are perfect.

But we enjoy the moments we do get right. I am an Orange Rhino, and he is one in the making – and we are both still human. Sending loads and warmth and love this Monday morning, xoxo, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Should You Help Your Teen Clean Their Room? The Question That Changed My Approach

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Do I help my teen clean his room? The answer yesterday was a game changer. This was the question of the day after school yesterday.

This particular child’s room has been a disgusting mess for days on end (for decent reason which I am not gonna get into.) He did his laundry – awesome – however it now decorated the floor. The areas of the floor that were untouched were covered in miscellaneous stuff, popcorn kernels, candy wrappers, an iPad, homework (I think), and who knows what else.

I have asked for the room to be picked up and even offered to help (as I often do) – but things have been a little stressful for this child as of late (for both of us, actually) so follow through has been tough and my help has even been denied. The growing mess has been getting to me.

So I have pondered, how much do I keep pushing for either him to do it alone, or do it with me, or do I cave and do it myself?

Ideally we would do it together but…ideal doesn’t always happen! I decided not too long ago that I only had so much energy per day and that I needed to put it where it mattered most in order to manage my own mental health.

I have so many things I want to teach my kids – actual actions and values. But, I can’t prioritize teaching everything everyday. I only have so much bandwidth. I have to pick and choose. It wasn’t as easy deciding where to put my energy and focus as I thought it would be (it all feels important.) A clean room is the perfect example.

On the one hand, teaching my kids responsibility is super important to me. Taking care of their things, ie. keeping a clean room falls under that category. At the same time, a clean room is way more important to me and not my kids so there was always a battle to get the job done on a daily basis.

I am motivated to have a clean room; they simply are not! It is not on their priority list at all. And, my boys were seeking a little control wherever they could find it (as teens, kids, humans all do.) And, I, I was seeking a little peace wherever I could find it.

So, we compromised. Their rooms, their messes, their responsibility. I accepted that they would learn responsibility a different way – as they lost things in their messes, as their rooms smelled, as they found they didn’t like it so much – they would learn to be more responsible on their terms.

And they accepted that once a week, they had to clean up and vacuum and take trash out, no matter what. I wouldn’t “nag” daily if they cleaned once a week. And oh, I accepted that I could shut the door and not see the mess 😉 It has mostly worked. Kids vacuum on their own because they hate how it gets. They put their clothes away when they realize that their clothes are getting too wrinkled to look cool when worn. They are getting there.

This is working well for us under our circumstances. But then there was yesterday and this one room that just wasn’t getting the love, despite my requests and offerings of help. It has been driving me crazy making me doubt myself and my parenting choice – should I have put the energy into making bedrooms clean daily? Did I prioritize wrong?

It has also been driving me crazy because of MY own beliefs. I like clean rooms. I believe that a space impacts the mind and mental health (this is me and my experience, not all agree which is fine and totally not the point here.) Teaching my kids the importance of taking care of one’s mental health is also important to me, just like teaching responsibility.

Should I have prioritized that aspect of a clean room?! Aaaah!!! On top of all this, this kiddo is having a hard time and MY anxiety has been kicking in that being in this messy, messy room so much isn’t helping him out so much.

I also know that he does agree – he has said as much in the past after he cleans his room and comments how much he prefers it. And yet, he is pushing me away and not accepting my help or doing it on his own. We have been in a stalemate (right, isn’t that what it is called?) And yet, I said I wouldn’t nag. I said I would let them all be, I would respect their spaces.

But also…his darn retainer was missing and that, that costs money and that was really bothering me. I had mentioned that if it wasn’t found he would be paying for a new one. He was none too thrilled with that. Any who…

Yesterday, I went to his room to remind him ever so lovingly about the missing retainer and that I said we could look together. I opened the door and saw that WHOA! he was finally folding his laundry!

Cue my internal debate. (1) Let him continue on his own and own the responsibility, this is amazing and wonderful… -OR- (2) Let go of my pride of “teaching a lesson” and the thought that “well finally, I only asked how many times, I am definitely not helping because it didn’t happen upon first request per our deal” and offer to help knowing that in doing so, it gives me an opportunity to connect and also, knowing that it teaches over important lessons: teamwork and grace.

I went with option two and I am SO glad that I did. I generally choose option two, but this time was sweeter. This teen and I have been butting heads big time. It seems every word out of my mouth irritates him. It feels like every word out of his mouth irritates me 🙂 Nothing I do or say is right. BUT, while helping him, he opened up. In doing a task together, while talking, it took some of the stress and discomfort of a direct talk away.

Also, this kiddo speaks more calmly when doing something, especially with his hands. (A lot of people do, by the way. Think of chats while throwing a ball, taking a walk, cooking, doing a puzzle.)

“Mom, you really frustrate me. You say it seems like I am angry all the time. I am not angry, I am just frustrated. There is a difference you know. I am working hard at school and I don’t think you see that. I know my grades aren’t great but I am improving. You frustrate me because you say you know, but then you ask me to work harder.”

Wow. An awesome, awesome, communication. Hard to hear, but valuable as heck. (Frustrating that he isn’t hearing that I do know how hard he is working, but alas, I was trying to listen not lecture.) But wait for this one.

Beautiful that he knows this about himself, more so that he shared it…. “I know it looks like I am not doing a lot, but I am. Small steps at a time mom. You know I don’t like doing new things. It is uncomfortable for me. So I am taking a small step. When I feel comfortable doing that, then I take another step, and then I will take another step. I know my progress is slow, but it is progress. It will all add up. I will get there.”

And I am crying. Hey kiddo? Can I just tell you, in regards to parenting teens, “I know my progress is slow, but it is progress and I am learning thanks to you?” So very grateful for this interaction and that I didn’t lose it due to yelling or getting all overly annoyed over the status of a room.

I learned so much about his thinking and where he is at. He still struggled to understand that I did see his hard work and that I appreciated it and also…that time was of the essence so that while his approach makes sense, he also needs to kick it up a notch. But more so, that I know that he can!

Again, the darn fine line of parenting teens. I need to push him out of his comfort zone, but not too much, not too little. Push too hard and I shut him down. Push too little, he stays where he is which isn’t working so well (he just doesn’t fully see it because well, he is a teen.)

But alas, his words were right. He will get there. I need to believe in him a bit more. I need to let go even more than I have and have faith that he is on his way to understanding himself and what he needs.

And…I need to accept that I am not the only one anymore that understands and knows what he needs (and this isn’t just in regards to grades, it applies to other things too.) Oh, this parenting thing is hard. One step at a time. We can do it! (And hey, by the way. My teen’s comments about his own growth are awesome words of wisdom when going after a goal like yelling less;) just saying.) © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager — According to My Teenager

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“Mom, why do you look like you are about to scream and lose your…?” my teen lovingly and genuinely asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked back.

“Not really, no, but…ok, fine. Go ahead. What’s up.”

“Well…I was just googling some stuff for The Orange Rhino. And stumbled upon an article from that person that copied a lot of what I did…and then publicly bashed me. And I am just fuming. Absolutely fuming. I am frustrated that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that all these years later and I still let this get to me. Harumph.”

He sighed with me. He’s a great kid – love him to pieces. Are you ready for this wisdom?

This is my silver lining kiddo. “Mom, the past is the past. She copied The Orange Rhino ideas because she liked them. Compliment to you. And besides the past doesn’t matter now because you are focusing on not yelling at teens and that’s new stuff!” (Yes, yes it is my dear. A whole lot of new stuff and a whole new level of patience!)

“Okay, but I haven’t totally figured it out yet. The whole not yelling at you teens.” I stated.

“No, no you haven’t! But you are improving. You are way better than last year. Look, I am sitting in the front seat actually talking to you now. See, progress! AND I am not wearing my headphones, I actually listened to you when you said it was rude to do so during a conversation.” He shared proudly, loving having an “adult” like conversation with me.

“Okay then Mr. Teenager. What is the secret to not yelling at teens? What did I do right? Enlighten me so I can share?”

“Oh, it is simple. Really simple. Leave us alone. Give us more space. Let us try things. Don’t lecture so much. Don’t nag. It’s okay if we screw up. Only start lecturing and reeling us back in when we are doing really stupid things. Like really stupid.” He stated matter of factly. Like it was that simple.

“Okay, makes sense. Gotcha. But what happens when you are, I don’t know, doing a lot of really stupid things, a lot of the time? Then what? Then I will need to step in more and that is certain to piss you off. Which will probably make things tough between us and I will probably feel like yelling again out of frustration. So, how do I handle that situation?” I asked, kinda afraid (in a good way) of the answer because of his silver linings and insights.

“Well, yes, yep that will definitely annoy the heck out of me. I will probably be rude. Nope. Definitely will be rude. But that’s on me I guess. Just don’t yell. It won’t help. And I will just put my headphones on and not listen anyways. So I guess, the answer to all of this mom? The best way to not yell at teens? Just don’t do it. It’s useless.”

Again, stated as if it is that simple. But maybe it was that simple?

There is a whole lot of truth in his statements. I trusted him more. Gave him more space. More responsibility. I removed some rules and put in some boundaries and said when the boundaries are broken, the rules and my being more present return. Do we both still yell? Yes – we both still get moody and we are both still human!

But the interactions are way less intense, shorter and he genuinely apologizes after. It is progress as he says, and progress is the goal. I mean look where progress got us – to a conversation in the front seats of my uber cool minivan!

And, he is right. Yelling doesn’t work – kids literally don’t hear us when we yell. It achieves nothing. They tune us out and teens – they especially tune it out. And not only do they tune us out, they then get more pissed at us and put up a wall to tune us out even more the next time we yell or even talk.

There isn’t much upside to yelling. It kind of is that simple. Is it that easy to just not yell? No. But remembering that it doesn’t work is a simple, helpful tool.

There are a few other things I did that he doesn’t see…

When he really gets going and rudely starts up, I walk away and dis-engage after I state calmly and without emotion, “I want to talk to you and hear what you have to say, but I will not be spoken to that way.” (His feelings do matter, I don’t want to shut them out. I am not walking away from him or his feelings, just the disrespectful behavior. Which we always address later when we are both calm.)

When he is frustrated with me for whatever I did, even if that is just breathing, I state, “I am here if you want” and again, walk away and don’t wait for a reaction.

I do random acts of kindness for him to remind him I love him and positively build our connection during good times (like make him hot chocolate for when he is studying).

I joke around with him and get him to laugh with me and even at me. These moments are some of the best and have really strengthened our relationship.

When he rolls his eyes at my intentionally bad jokes or bad dancing or bad singing, they are his silent way of admitting he loves me 😉 Eye rolls aren’t always bad! I stopped focusing on the bad behaviors he was demonstrating and focused more on the good kiddo I know he is.

And, I remind myself that this is a hard time for both of us and that in a couple of years he is off to college and I want these years to be more positive than negative – and that means (amongst a lot of things) working hard to not yell, even when frustrated. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Life Lesson My Son Taught Me on the Drive Home From Drum Lessons

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My 11 year old just told me a life lesson that I didn’t fully grasp until at least 30…if that. Last drum lesson he left uber frustrated because he wasn’t playing well.

So frustrated in fact that he wanted to quit and just give up drums altogether. Going to today’s lesson took a lot of reassuring and supporting from me and honestly, a lot of courage and strength from him. He showed up and almost didn’t make it in – but he did!

So proud. But truly the best was the car ride home…

“Mom, I just realized that my brain is why I make mistakes.

I mean yes I make mistakes because I make mistakes but so much of that is because of what my brain is saying to me!

When I tell myself I can’t do the beat and I can’t hold the drumsticks right then I make more mistakes!

My brain is so important! It’s the most important! My thoughts are so important to my ability to play drums…or basketball…or anything!”

Yes, my sweet boy. Yes. Breakthrough tonight! We both needed it big time.

So happy for him. Oh…and irony that the song he was learning tonight was “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Irony? I think not.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

What Do I Need Right Now? The Question I Keep Coming Back To

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I want to share a question with you that I ask myself often. Well, I guess it is several questions, all variations of the same. But of course I am going to share it within a story 🙂

I sit here typing, struggling. I think I have another mild concussion or at least whiplash. May 5, 2017 I was in a car accident. Major concussion. It sucked. I got out of the car then (didn’t realize how bad my symptoms were yet) and saw that I had been hit by a brand new driver. She was in tears and the fear in her face just melted my mama heart. Any anger I could have felt disappeared.

My brand new car that I bought all by myself post divorce, a car that represented my new start, was destroyed and yet I didn’t feel an ounce of anger at that moment.

Instead, I focused my energy on soothing this young teenager.

“I am okay.” I promised her. “Your parents will be happy you are okay.” I reassured her. “Listen, everyone has a first accident. You are lucky it was your parents car and not your own and now you have it out of the way!” I said, trying to make her smile.

She just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I just kept saying, “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay, it’s going to be okay!” Maybe I was in shock.

Maybe I truly felt more empathy than anger at that point. Or maybe I was just in full on Orange Rhino mode and knew that yelling wasn’t worth it. (Maybe, it was all three.) Honestly, what good would yelling have achieved?

Would it have made my car new again? No.
Would it have made my neck stop aching? No.
Would it have made her feel any better? No.
Would it have made her feel a heck of a lot worse and therefore an even more nervous driver for months to come and therefore more prone for accidents? Yes.
Would it have made me physically feel worse? Yes.

Yelling would have done me no good. I am glad that I didn’t yell then. Absolutely no upside.

Back to the present day. Ever since that concussion back in 2017, the mildest thing can set my head off, even not getting into a car accident. Sunday night I was driving my boys to dinner. I was going down a very small hill, totally going the speed limit, when a car at the bottom was clearly not yielding. I had the right of way. We were about to slam into each other. It was either going to be a head-on collision or I was going to be nailed right in the driver’s side door. Full speed.

When I say fear consumed me at that moment, that second, it is an understatement. Saying I saw my life flash before my eyes is an overstatement and yet, feels really close to the best statement. Holy sh*t.

I slammed on my brakes so freakin’ hard and they screeched and jerked (along with my entire body and especially my neck) as my minivan violently but quickly came to a halt inches, centimeters (?) from the other driver’s car. My left arm immediately went up and pointed to the yield sign and I mouthed the words “Yield! You have a yield.”

My right arm remained where it always goes – in front of my front seat passenger. My right arm had gone out to protect my son just as fast as my foot went to slam on the breaks. As I began to drive forward, the driver rolled down his window and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”

Somehow, despite being completely freaking scared and triggered, I calmly replied, “I am just glad no one got hurt.” I then drove on and well, promptly burst into tears.

One son asked why I was crying. I said, “Well, that was just really scary and I am just so relieved and happy we are okay. I really meant that.”

Another son asked, “Why didn’t you yell at him? Tell him what a jerk driver he was?”

My response? “Well, what good would that have done? What would it have achieved? It wouldn’t have made things better? In fact it could have made things worse? What if my yelling really pissed him off and he got angry instead of apologetic and started a fight? Nobody got hurt. We are all okay. We are safe. Yelling wasn’t going to achieve anything. And besides, how can I yell at a car that looks like Rudolph?”

I meant what I said to him. What good would yelling have done? We all know fundamentally yelling doesn’t do any good. But I often remind myself of that when I can remember too 😉

When I am starting to get agitated – especially with teenagers – I ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve?”

And then when I find myself getting cranky or even yelling…
“Is yelling helping me get what I want/need?”

“Is yelling worth it?”

And then when I find myself even more annoyed with the situation…
“Am I making the situation better or worse by yelling?”

These questions do help ground me and either prevent me from yelling or using a nasty tone or help reel me back in.

Do I remember them all the time?! No. Of course not. BUT with practice, they become more natural. Or with repetition. The more I remind myself that yelling isn’t worth it, the more I remember to find a better, more productive path.

So while I didn’t yell at the gentleman who almost slammed into my family 🙁 I did yell at my family Monday night. All day Monday my body hurt, my head throbbed and everything was freakin’ blurry. I felt like crap. I assumed it was my new medication. I was so moody with my boys. I apologized but still. I was not fun to be around. I put myself to bed early.

Yesterday was better but still symptoms. No yelling though. Why? It dawned on me as I fell asleep holding my head Monday night that I probably had a mild concussion from the whip lash of slamming on the breaks so hard. Understanding of what is going on in our minds and bodies – of our triggers – can do wonders. It doesn’t excuse them, but it explains them which oddly enough helps calm them a little.

Here’s to a Wednesday of gently reminding ourselves that yelling doesn’t really work and that finding our triggers and understanding them does really work!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Bedtime Knock That Reminded Me to Notice the Good Before Reacting

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Okay. So the following just happened and I am still in shock. Quite the antithesis to the start of my day.

I am putting 11 yo to bed. Door is shut. 16 yo comes to door.

Okay, so far normal. But wait. Then he knocked and asked if he could come in?! Normally he just barges in, wakes up 11 yo and I get annoyed.

So the knock totally threw me! I sensed something was up (thank God Orange Rhino me was present so I focused on the good of the knock and not the negative of the interruption) and said, “Sure, come in.”

“Mom, I just wanted to say thank you for the new mattress and for getting the special sheets so I stay cool at night. Thanks for caring about me and making sure I sleep well.”

Whoa. I could have…should have…kept my mouth quiet and said you are welcome but I was so floored that I had to say, “You are most welcome and thank you for appreciating me. It means a lot. May I ask what prompted this?”

Teenager: “I don’t know, I just saw my bed and remembered how well I slept last night and realized I don’t say thank you enough or that I love you enough.”

Oh my word.

Still speechless. And yes, tears totally came to my eyes. There is a light at the end of the teenage tunnel folks. All of our children have the flicker inside of them – it grows especially strong when we see the good. If and when you read this 16yo, love you kiddo! And if and when you all read this, keep the faith! Keep Orange Rhino’ing on because it is worth it.   ​

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why Singing Badly With My Teens Is Good for All of Us

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I may or may not have burst into my kids’ rooms this morning singing to “Keep the Beat” by Lin-Manuel Miranda. I say “may not have” because I am fairly certain my boys would say that I wasn’t singing because singing sounds good and apparently, I sounded beyond awful.

All seriousness – singing is so good for the soul and your nerves, no matter how bad you sound 🙂 So is laughter – my boys (even though they wouldn’t admit it but the twinkle in their eyes said otherwise) and I laughed together at my horrid singing and did I mention, dancing?!

My goofiness got us all off on the right foot this morning and created an environment that made yelling at morning annoyances way harder.

As for my teenagers – I gotta say. It’s hard to relate to them a lot but being goofy and making a fool of myself is turning out to be a great way to connect (Take note though: make sure to do so when they aren’t in a scale 10 bad mood. 1-9 and goofiness is generally accepted!)

“All I can do when the road bends is lean into the curve…All I can do when the tanks run dry is see what’s in the reserve…”

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Teenagers, Early Mornings and the Parenting Moments That Make Me Laugh

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Happy Saturday! Is there anything better than waking up at 6am to wake up 2 teenagers to catch a bus to a cross country race?! After the first week of school? I sure don’t think so. I mean for real.

My boys were as sweet as one year olds when you first walk into their room in the morning and they stand up in their crib and start jumping in excitement to see you.

And then their face brightens as their smile spreads from ear to ear and you can just feel the love. Yes. That is EXACTLY how my teenagers greeted me this fine morning. Lol. I still told them I loved them though 😉 and YES that also seemed to agitate them. Hahaha. Love my teenagers. 

Have a great Saturday everyone – remember, you are loved by your kiddos even if you don’t feel it, even if they don’t show it and ESPECIALLY even if you feel like you aren’t nailing this parenting thing.

Showing up and saying I love you and trying your hardest counts more than you give it credit. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino