Why Parenting Teenagers Is Hard in Ways We Can’t Always Talk About

Posted on January 29, 2024 by The Orange Rhino

Having teenagers is hard and not for the reasons everyone talks about. It’s for the reasons no one talks about. Or writes about. Because we can’t. Or at least, I can’t. Or rather, I choose not to.

When my kids were younger, you know, the infant stage, the toddler stage, the pre-school stage and maybe even all the way up to third grade, I could more easily write and talk about the struggles of parenting them. I could share discreetly about their struggles, my struggles, our struggles. There was less wider judgement of them, more understanding that they were kids, they were still developing. There was more grace for them, for me. (Well, for the most part.) And, my kids’ friends were not on social media then and couldn’t read what I wrote which yes, is a current, problem.

Now, given my kids’ ages, I respect their request to honor their privacy. We have a pact about what I do and don’t write. I ask permission when needed and well, they sometimes tell me what I need to write, should write. All that said, years ago… I could share more freely when I wrote as The Orange Rhino and even when I spoke with friends. Sharing my struggles, my doubts, my hurts, well, we all know that when we share those things, when we no longer carry those heavy feelings by ourselves, that we feel lighter, brighter, better. That we feel less alone.

On my way into the house yesterday, after a few moments to myself in my minivan, thinking of all my boys and all the different stressors, it hit me hard just how much I am not sharing. It hit me hard how I am feeling.

I am carrying A LOT by myself right now. So very, very much. There is so much my heart is carrying that I can not share. My heart is heavy from worry, from sadness, from hurt, from exhaustion. My heart is heavy from loving my kiddos so gosh darn much. Parenting is wonderful, but whoa, is it a hard and heavy job to carry. But alas, I carry it the best that I can.

Yesterday, at around 3:30, after the last activity of the day, I announced to my boys, “Guys, I don’t feel well. I’m coming down with my annual winter cold. I’m wiped. And I need to do some things for me so that I feel better. So I’m going to focus on me all afternoon. Dinner is take-out. No fighting over where. I need a peaceful rest of the day. I need to re-charge and just chill.”

I needed to lighten my mental and physical load because well, the load of my life is heavy right now and I am carrying it mostly alone (save a few very special people whom I am so grateful for.) I feel a little better today. Slept a lot. Organized some cluttered spaces that were weighing me down. But of course it wasn’t enough to outweigh all the heaviness. That’s okay.

Today, I will do what I’ve been doing. I will find beauty where I can to add brightness to my day. I will call a friend and share some good laughs to lighten my day. And I will remind myself to just keep going, one step at a time. I’ve got this.

Parenting teens might be hard, but it is worth it. They are worth it. If you are carrying a lot on your heart that you can’t fully share, I get it. I see you. I’m sending you and your kiddo(s) my love. Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Part 2: How a Spare Fuse Taught Me to Repair a Yelling Moment

Posted on December 18, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Did you know there is a spare fuse in the plug of Christmas tree lights?!?! I, did not lol. Don’t get me started. But there is! I found them and I replaced three blown fuses and voila! Light returned! Brightness returned! The strands were repaired, reconnected to each other and I moved onward with getting the Christmas tree lit. It was a beautiful reminder to me that when I “blow a fuse” (i.e. yell) I have a chance to repair.

The holiday season is stressful – for adults and kids alike. This isn’t a secret. It’s just full of MORE. More to do, more triggers, more overwhelm, more energy, more anxiety, more meltdowns, more stress. More yelling most likely 😉 Yelling happens from time to time. Yes, myself included. Yes, I wrote a book about how I stopped yelling and yes, I still yell on occasion. And no, no I am not ashamed to admit that. And no, no it doesn’t make me a bad mom, a bad parent, or a bad anything.

It means I’m human. It means I was having a tough moment and I responded in a way that likely showed how I was feeling on the inside about myself or my life. AND also, it doesn’t mean I can’t come back from that moment. Just because I blew a fuse, just because I yelled, doesn’t mean I can’t turn the moment around. My Christmas lights – all three strands that I blew the other day – reminded me of this.

So if you find yourself having just yelled from all the go-go-go of the holiday season, look around and find a light to look at and remember, The moment can be repaired. You too can bring light and connection back to the moment. Apologize for hurting the feelings of the one you love. Validate how it must have made them feel to hear you yell. Explain what you could have done differently to not yell, what you could have done to help yourself calm down.

Then perhaps go take that moment to yourself to get a little more grounded. Sending warmth and strength to you today and always,

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

P.S. Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 of this story, it gets even better. Which I didn’t think was possible 😉

How I Used Compassion to Turn My Teen Son’s Mood Around and Strengthen Our Relationship

Posted on October 27, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Two of my sons were mad at me.

“Why did you do it for him? That’s so not fair!” One of my sons said for me.

Another son chimed right on in, clearly thrilled that his brother paved the way.
“Seriously mom. You don’t do that for us! We have to do it? This is ridiculous!”

The Orange Rhino Overflowing Laundry Basket

My sons laundry basket is overflowing…my heart overflowed with compassion and understanding of his struggle and saw an opportunity to help.

The charge against me? I washed and put away one of their brother’s clothes while he as out at practice. Yep. Guilty as charged. On all accounts.

Do I normally have each child wash and put away their own laundry? Yep. They are capable of it and I believe if they can, they should.

But there is something else I also normally do that these two very upset brothers were missing. I help when needed. And that day, this one son needed my help.

“Guys. I actually would do the same for you, and I have. If you see someone struggling…maybe they fell off a bike, or are in the deep end of a pool and are showing distress, what do you do? What do I do? I jump in the pool and or I run over to the kid and I help. I get that kid to safety.

Your brother is overwhelmed and struggling.

When we are in that place, a messy room with overflowing laundry, it just adds to the struggle and makes it harder to get out of the bad mood. I know. I’ve been there. Some day your brother will realize that on his own, same with you. Until then, one way to learn, is for me to show him how much better it feels to have a clean room and clean clothes.

So yes, I did his laundry and picked up his room. I’d do it for you too. And notice, I didn’t do it right away. I gave a him a chance for a while. I waited. But there comes a point, when people need a little help and in this family, we help.

Okay so obviously I didn’t say those exact words because if I remembered all of that, that would be impressive. But it was close. But these, I did say for verbatim,

“And again, I would do the same for you. K? And please, please be kind to him. Someday when you are struggling, he will be kind to you. We all struggle. We will all need help someday. Remember that.”

A couple of years ago, this would not have been how the story went. Why not?

Because I would have been too stuck on the “principle” of teaching my son the importance of doing his chores and learning the hard way about how dirty laundry stinks, no pun intended.

Because I would have been too stuck on parenting the “right way” instead of being a loving human person “the right way.”

Because I would have been too stuck on listening to all the voices of society and social media telling me how to raise a good kid and likewise how to screw up. I would have been too stuck to listen to the most important voice, the voice inside of me, yelling loudly, begging to be heard, that screamed:

LEAD BY EXAMPLE that is how you truly teach and what you believe!

Show him love. Show him grace. Show him support. This is what you believe!

Show your son how to take care of mental health because that – that is the base for getting all chores done, for getting life done for that matter.

Show him how laundry isn’t just a chore, but how good clean clothes and a clean room feels. How good not having chores hanging over our heads feel.

Show him how loving acts of kindness help others and ourselves.

Now, I know some people say, “but wait a second, can’t he learn how good all of the above things are by doing it himself?” YES, yes he can. But again, sometimes, sometimes we all get stuck and need help. Sometimes, we can’t see for ourselves what we need.
I know that is true for me. Our teens, our kids are humans too. I treat them as I would want to be treated. If I was overwhelmed (oh…wait lol) I would want help to help get me through the rough patch.

* * * *

The morning after my infamous cleaning job…my son came downstairs in a PLEASANT mood for the first time in weeks. Oh my gosh, I just got all choked up.

“Mom, did you do that?”

“Yes, sweetie, I did.”

He walked over and gave me a hug.

“Thank you. It was really nice to come home to last night.”

Doing the laundry for him on occasion isn’t the end of the world…it was showing him a world of kindness. Parenting and Life aren’t always easy, but with love and support, we get through the rough patches.

Sending warmth and strength as always,
Love,
The Orange Rhino

Another popular Teen Post?
How to Not Yell at Teenagers, According to My Teen!
https://theorangerhino.com/how-to-not-yell-at-teenagers-according-to-my-teen/

Get *almost* daily stories at The Orange Rhino Facebook page about my life with my four teenagers and my journey to discover what keeps me in a goodish place, even when life is challenging and charging at me, so that I can love my life and time with my kids as much as possible.

Letting Go as Teenagers Become Independent is Hard

Posted on October 13, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I told myself I wouldn’t cry.

My worried mama heart had other plans. I quickly looked away so my son wouldn’t see me as I wiped away my tears. He needed to feel my confidence, not my concerns. He needed to feel that I believed in him, that I believed that everything was going to work out okay.”

Don’t let him see your tears this time. You’re gonna be okay. He’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. Think of a happy thought.” Okay. Back to slightly more grounded. Moving forward.

I told myself I wouldn’t cry again…
but my now weary, tired mama heart had other plans. We had worked through as many scenarios as possible, but no one thought of this one.

Panic started to come in and pushed the tears out. I stayed calm. I turned my back to my son once more and called to him to keep walking with me, forward, together, as I discreetly wiped away my tears.

“He needs your strength and problem solving.” I said to myself.

“He needs your determination and calm. You got this. You’re going to be okay. He is going to be okay. It will be okay.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I’ll be okay” He said to me in a shaky, nervous voice as he walked next to me. I am sure he was also saying to himself, “You got this. You will be okay. It will be okay. Be strong. Be calm. Keep it together.” Maybe he wasn’t. But I bet he was.

“We will find a way, I promise. Not giving up yet, k? And we aren’t going to worry until we need to and I know you’ll be fine if we don’t get the answer we want.” I said to him.

I scanned the area for a loving, helpful, friendly face. Spotted! She had the coolest glasses. The warmest smile. And a mom vibe. “Come on,” I said to my son. “I see someone who looks like a loving mom who will understand. Let’s see if she’ll help.”

“Hi…” I started to talk, my voice trembling, tears forming. I explained the situation and somehow through my mumbling she understood. She didn’t hesitate. She reached out her hand, and gestured,

“Don’t worry, I got you. Come on.” And she did. She had us both.

I told myself I wouldn’t cry but here I am in Newark Airport crying again…this time not out of worry but joy and pure gratitude. I would have hugged this TSA agent if I could have.

You see this was the first time any of my kids is flying solo to visit go somewhere. I’ve been a mess. It’s a milestone. An important one on so many levels. One of growth, one of letting go literally and figuratively…for me and for my son.

We both have anxiety (I share that with permission.) He was totally ready to do this but he still wanted me to go to the gate with him. I was obviously happy to oblige He had TSA pre-check and I didn’t. He doesn’t like crowded lines (me neither buddy, me neither) or running late and the regular line was loooong. Standing in that line was just gonna add to the unspoken building anxiety that morning. This was the third unexpected mishap in fifteen minutes. Thank goodness for this wonderful TSA agent that took care of us. And here I am crying again as I sit here, on the other side of security, waiting for him to board.

I’ve been holding in my emotions for weeks and still haven’t fully exhaled. Waiting to. I’ll exhale a little at 11:00 when he lands and fully when he lands back in Newark.

Until then, I sit here with my son answering his questions and what if’s, that are helping to soothe his anxiety (and consequently, mine.) In between the questions I remind myself how proud I am of him, how far he has come and how he WILL be okay. How, lol, I can finally relax a bit after he lands successfully later today!

* * * * *

He has boarded the plane. I knew I wouldn’t get a hug goodbye – that would be too hard. He was focused on staying calm and not showing his nerves. I get it. Been there done that couple hours earlier. He walked on the jetway and the tears started. Didn’t want to be a bawling mess so I quickly turned to find a place to be in private while I waited for his flight to take off.

As I turned I noticed the most beautiful, perfectly timed sight. The sunrise. How appropriate.

A NEW DAY, a new phase of my son’s life has begun. It too is beautiful.

I walked over to the other side of the terminal and watched the sun slowly rise. Hesitant, but strong. Like my son. I soaked in the beauty, the glow, the energy, the peace. The promise of a new day and good things to come.

* * * * *

I wrote this yesterday. He has landed. And today is another new day with good things to come.

Sending warmth and strength to you all today and always,

The Orange Rhino®

Another popular Teen Post?
How to Not Yell at Teenagers, According to My Teen!
https://theorangerhino.com/how-to-not-yell-at-teenagers-according-to-my-teen/

Gaining Teenagers, Losing Family Traditions

Posted on July 4, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Today is oddly tough for me. It marks the beginning of the end of many traditions. I shouldn’t say end. I should say it marks the beginning of many changes. But sometimes changes feel like the end, don’t they?

Stone Harbor, NJ.

We first went there July 2009, a week after July 4th. Only two kiddos at this point. The place we rented was so god-awful and so bad that we literally almost left after two days. But, on day three of dealing with the smell of the apartment and kids being off-schedule, the tides turned and the beauty of the beach and the town had won us over. It was worth staying.

Fast forward one year, my kiddos were now 10 months, 2, and 3.5 ish. We decided to try again. We found a better place to rent but the only week available was late June, ending on July 5th. It felt a little early for a beach vacation in NJ; high risk of cold weather and definitely a cold ocean. But if we didn’t want a stenchy smelling apartment, this was the option. So we went with the date, hoping for the best. And well…

We, and then I, went back every week that included July 4th for the next twelve years. Thirteen years straight I have spent at the beach on July 4th watching massive fire work displays over the ocean. One year I think got rained out? That is it.

Today I am in NJ. But not at the beach.
And I am full on sad.
And I had a little meltdown about it yesterday, akin to the kind my kids had when I started going to the beach with them years ago and it was time to leave. Or the kind of meltdown they had when a seagull swooped in and took a potato chip or sandwich from their little pudgy fingers. Or the kind of meltdown they had when their beloved sand castle suddenly got washed away by a wave that came out of nowhere. My meltdown, their meltdowns, all understandable and all about the same things. Loss. Sadness. Disappointment. And all meltdowns stemming from the same place – have experienced joy.

Today, today we are home because two of my boys now have summer jobs and going away this week wasn’t possible. Last summer July 4th was a Monday so we made it work. We did a long weekend at a hotel and then drove home at 5 am on July 5th. Not possible this year. And I am sad. I am sad for losing what started July 4th, 2010 and I am sad for what starts today, July 4th, 2023.

What starts today?
Independence Day, in a way, parent/teenager style.

What starts today?
My boys having even more of their independence, their responsibilities, their summers, their plans, their schedules, their lives.

What starts today?
Family traditions changing to reflect my kids becoming even closer to young adults living independently.

Sure, traditions have slowly been changing as my kids and family changed. Thanksgiving started being celebrated every other year on a different day when I divorced. Santa Claus suddenly took on a new meaning when my kids became older. Summer vacation started ending two weeks earlier to accommodate pre-season sports. Weekends started filling up with more time face-timing with friends than having actual face time with me.

So yeah, I guess this “independence day” has been in the works for a while. But those moments, as hard as they have been, didn’t explode my heart like today. There is something so extra real and in my face about today. Something about jobs and responsibilities being the reason for our family change that just has my heart knowing it needs to take hold and hang on…that this is just the beginning of many changes to come. Years ago we didn’t want to change weeks at the beach because it was a risk and look what happened. Here I am upset that I am losing that exact change.

And so I take note.
Change can feel like the end.
It can feel risky.
And it can be beautiful and wonderful too.

So, today I am holding on and embracing the change the best I can….with full blown tears when no one is watching and probably when they are watching too. I am grateful that all my boys are here, in my home, and we can still celebrate together and I can still make them put on the Old Navy 4th of July shirts like I do every single year since 2010.

We will do the traditions we did at the beach and be together, just without the sand. So it isn’t all bad. And I will wake them up early (and they will be thrilled, insert sarcasm) and take them out to the diner for ice cream and waffles as we would if at the beach. And tonight we will have the same meal we have every year: hot dogs, hamburgers, corn on the cob with loads of butter. And then we will do sparklers. And for good measure, my boys will bicker to make the day feels like every year 😉

I will adapt and adjust today to make new memories and to make the most of what I do have – all of us together.

It isn’t the end, end. It is just the end of one tradition, to make way for new ones that are yet to be created.

Sending warmth and strength to you today…and all the Independence Days of Parenting that follow for those of us with teenagers…

Will my Teens Turn to me When They are “Lost”? I Sure Hope So.

Posted on June 6, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

*Tissue warning*

Ah, the good ‘ole “Lost and Found” basket at schools, at homes, at wherever. I, of course, naturally thought about this basket soon after I thought about myself being “Lost and Found.” Because well, you all know the random connections my brain makes and also, with the end of the school year approaching way too quickly, the “Come check Lost and Found one more time” email reminders are as plentiful as ever.

The emails always make me chuckle as they reflect the trends for the year; you know, the things the teens absolutely had to have. This year? Well this years’ photos were especially funny; fancy water bottles to keep water super, duper, wicked cold, next to “hoodies” to keep one super, duper, wicked warm and cozy. Lol.

I love teens. And kids. Especially my kids. Why? Lots of reasons but mostly because of alllll the photos…between all the schools…and yet not one of our missing water bottles can be found. Where oh where did they go? To the land of the spoons and phone chargers?

One shall never know…. But I shall always know this. And this deep thought came to me as I ended my walk on Sunday and it led me to tears.

So here is where you grab the tissues (I had none, so sleeve it was.)

The beauty of the “Lost and Found” basket in the schools – and at hotels, and concerts, and everywhere you go, is that everyone knows that they exist.

Everyone knows that there is a place to go when you lose what matters to you. And additionally, there are always meeting points and places you know to go when you are, literally, lost.

I want to be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons.

I guess I am the basket already (literally at night and figuratively otherwise.) I’m always there. Even when empty, when my kids are doing fine and are on their ways and doing well in their worlds and not lost at all, I’m there. I remain. Like a “Lost and Found” basket, I am never put away. I patiently wait for when I am needed, for when my children feel lost and need help finding their way, however that looks.

Whether it be when they feel overwhelmed and lost in school, and need help studying so they feel confident again.

Whether it be when they feel confused and lost in a social matter, and need help navigating it so they feel comfortable.

Whether it be when they feel down and out and lost in life in general, and need help… NOPE… just need a listening ear so they feel less alone.

Or, whether it be when they feel frustrated because they literally lost something that mattered to them and need help finding it, so they feel less anxious. (Oh I get this. And oh I want to lecture on responsibility but my kids are as human as I am when it comes to misplacing things – it simply happens sometimes and when it does, I am there to help them.)

Whatever it is, whenever it is, I hope to always be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons – the place they know that is always there to go to when they feel lost.

And I hope that when they move on to college (way sooner that I am ready to admit) and then onto their own lives and go on walks like I did and realize they are lost on a greater scale, that they still call me.

And I know that what I do today will directly impact whether or not I get that phone call in the future. So I continue to focus on developing a strong, trusting, loving relationship with my teens (as I did when they were little ones.) I continue to work on…

~ Connecting before “correcting.”

~ Listening more, lecturing less. (oof this is hard)

~ Working with them, not against them. (Same team!)

~ Taking things less personal, period, so I don’t overreact and escalate matters.

~ Remembering they are humans too – with good days and bad days, just like me.

~ Focusing on what matters, what really, really matters.

~ And making relationship repairs after I have yelled or made a mistake because if I don’t, my “Lost and Found” basket will end up with lots of rips and tears and holes in it.

And I don’t want that. It is a privilege to figuratively be my childrens’ “Lost and Found” basket and I so want to remain as such.

So repairs I make, as frequently as needed. Finding my way as an adult is hard. Finding my way when I was a teen was hard. Finding my way AS A PARENT of a TEEN is hard. I can only imagine how my teens feel finding their way in this world. And so I remain. As the “Lost and Found” basket. Always there. Always waiting, even when not needed, so that I am ready for the moment I am.

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always.

Warmth today if you are feeling the feels of the thought of your kiddos going off into the world soon, Strength today if your child is feeling lost and you currently are there for them, remaining, listening, supporting, just being. I know how hard it is to be there. It is heartbreaking.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

(And fear not dear Fellow Orange Rhinos, this lovely sign does not always exist so crisp and perfect. In fact, it doesn’t exist;) It was made solely for the purpose of this picture. I wrote this post as part of yesterday’s post and decided to make it its own. Then decided that the post needed a picture.

And then well, filling the basket – which yes does exist as a “Mom’s Lost and Found Basket” was super easy to fill. It contains a hat, an iPad, a t-shirt, some socks. Actually, lots of socks. And no, no missing water bottles. Or spoons. Or chargers.)

I’m Not Looking Forwards to Mother’s Day

Posted on May 13, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Full disclosure. I am not looking forward to Mother’s Day. It is a complicated day for many and not the Hallmark holiday that is offered. To all those feeling this way, I see you, I feel the pain. I send you warmth and so much love this entire weekend where you are surrounded by reminders of the holiday.

My first mother’s day was idyllic. James was seven months old and just as squishy and adorable as could be. He and his dad “made” me breakfast and we ate it outside on the most perfect spring day North Carolina had to offer. Blue skies. White, wispy clouds. Light breezes coming and going. Birds chirping. Colorful flowers lining our backyard. I received a few gifts that I wanted to make my diaper bag less of a mess but the ultimate gift was the activity I did with James. We made a painting together of his and my hand prints and foot prints. It was a mess! Paint everywhere. I was laughing. He was giggling. It was the most perfect moment motherhood could offer.

Many Mother’s Days that followed when my kids were young young were precious like that, with fun art activities or family activities where we laughed and connected. When my boys entered elementary school and started writing, the Mother’s Days cards just melted my heart. The misspellings were perfect. The sentiments perfect. The paper flowers or paper hearts, perfect. The cards were always such a nice touch to whatever was planned at home. Thank goodness for teachers.

I always felt loved and appreciated and the day was always special.

I got divorced two weeks or so before Mother’s Day.
Mother’s Day hasn’t been the same since.
It just hasn’t.

In the early years of the divorce, when the boys were younger and the schools still talked about Mother’s Day, it went better. Like I said, thank goodness for teachers. Those cards saved Mother’s Day for me. I knew that because of teachers, I would get a card on Mother’s Day. I knew that my boys would remember to say “Happy Mother’s Day.” I knew that I would get one hand-made gift wrapped in tissue paper. I knew that I would have a moment of special on a tough day.

And during those earlier years and now, to my ex’s credit, he worked with my boys to remind them and help them get cards and gifts. My boyfriend has also stepped in and done the same but…things just are working out differently, especially as they have gotten older. I know it “should” be easier because they are older, because perhaps they “should” take on the desire to do things on their own, but….It’s complicated. Thinks aren’t always as simple as they seem.

Add on the dimension of my boys bickering more because again, older, and well there hasn’t been a Mother’s Day without massive fighting that I can remember. (“Happy Mother’s Day! I hope it is peaceful!” people wish me. Yeah, right.) I am guessing the bickering is also partly because of the underlying reminder that there parents are divorced – holidays are still tough for some of my boys. That is okay. I feel that. I GET THAT. They just are. They are very clear reminders of very specific memories of togetherness as family. Even though the days were centered around me, Mother’s Day for us comes from being a family, from having a mom and dad that were together.

Like I said, Mother’s Day is complicated.
And not just for me.
It is for many of us, for a variety of reasons.

I know Sunday will have sweet moments. And I know it will have moments of sadness, of wishing it were slightly different. And I know people are reading this and are going, “Girl. It isn’t about presents or cards or yada yada.” I know that. I am well aware of that and I agree wholeheartedly. I don’t even need Mother’s Day per say but it sure is nice to have one day to help my kiddos recognize all I do, do!

And also, Mother’s Day is still hard because it is full of GRIEF.
Loss. Sadness. Pain.

There is loss of how the day used to go and pain in the fact that now I am the one asking my kids if they need help getting a card or anything. I know if I don’t ask, if I don’t give the loving reminder, the day will come and nothing will happen because again, things have changed and it’s complicated. I know my boys, they are good kids with loving, huge, well-intentioned, hearts and they would be devastated if they forgot or did nothing. (There are factors at play I am not sharing so please do not judge why I am having to give the loving reminder given their ages.)

Again, Mother’s Day is complicated.

I am planning for the ups and downs of emotions so that I can make the most out of it – so that I can find the JOY in the day and move on from the complicated, from the inevitable disappointments, from the guaranteed frustration from sibling fighting.

I have allowed myself to feel the pain – the real pain.
I have allowed myself to think and say the thoughts that are taboo – that I am not looking forward to the day.
And now, I am shifting my mindset, my expectations.
I have spent the last few days re-envisioning Mother’s Day.
I see fighting in the afternoon. I am ready for that. It is part of the picture. I expect it so when it happens I won’t be disappointed! It is part of the plan!

And I see four beautiful boys that made me mom. That’s it. Well, that’s more than it. That’s A LOT. They are the ultimate gift and my expectation is to be with them, fighting and all. Because they remind me that I get to be a mom. No pomp and circumstance around it. Four reminders that I have the honor to be their mom. And I lied. They ARE pomp and circumstance, just in their existence – they are a celebration of motherhood.

If being with them leads to actually playing some of the family games as I have requested, win. If we have a peaceful meal together, double win. But I am dropping those expectations so that I can be in a BETTER PLACE going into Sunday so that I can enjoy what the day offers, instead of what it doesn’t.

Sending warmth, strength and peace to all struggling this Mother’s Day weekend. You aren’t alone. I see you and I am thinking of you.

The Parenting Advice That Was Hurting My Mental Health

Posted on March 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Warning: potentially unpopular opinion coming up. There is a widely used “core parenting statement/belief” that I recently realized has contributed in a somewhat harmful way to my own mental health and I want to address it. I’d like to say that I am prepared for backlash – but I know that I am not. I am a sensitive soul, and I don’t deal well with controversy. But, I feel strongly that the message I am about to share needs to be heard because when I figured it out, I felt so much better about myself as a parent, as a person.

The shame, self-ridicule and intense pressure I put on myself as mom dropped tenfold when I stopped fully accepting and following this popular parenting belief shared and told by many a psychologist. And this statement isn’t just shared by psychologists in articles online and undoubtedly in books. It is widely shared in pretty square boxes with pretty fonts and images on Facebook and Instagram. It is shared on reels with relaxing, meant to be encouraging music.

The parenting belief is with good intention – it is meant to inspire us to be good parents. It is meant to help us raise our children with strong emotional iq, mindset, resiliency etc…. It is definitely meant to teach us something our parents might not have been taught and it definitely is not meant to shame us or put pressure on us.

And yet… I found myself bawling my eyes out in my minivan recently because of this darn supposedly helpful, gentle, encouraging, parenting reminder. I found myself bawling my eyes out because I had just dropped one of my sons off and we had just had a tough conversation about how things were going for him. He was having a hard time with something or other and said something negative about himself. He hurt and I hurt for him, oh did I ever.

And I hurt because I couldn’t help but wonder, as I often do as a mom, is this my fault? Did I mess up as a parent? Did I miss something? Did I not do a good enough job?

So before pulling away I went on my phone to admittedly, numb the pain for a bit. To avoid the feelings of yuck. To hopefully see something up-lifting. And sure enough, I saw some pretty image with different colored words and it was soothing to look at. Until I read the words.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

and BOOM there it was, the ever so popular parenting statement. I went from crying to bawling.

See, it was my fault. My son’s inner voice was being cruel to him so it must be my fault. I must have talked to him that way. Right? I must have said something incredibly mean and cruel to him because now he talked that way to himself. Clearly my words had become my son’s inner voice because that is what Facebook was telling me…as it had taught forever. I mean this saying has been EVERYWHERE and I mean everywhere for years. Years! I have seen it since the days I started writing as The Orange Rhino. I have never doubted it, never challenged it.

At first, I didn’t get it. Perhaps because my kids were young. But as they grew, I understood it more and I fully embraced it. Yes! Yes, that makes sense. My kids internalize what I say to them, what I say about them, how I say things to them – and even how I talk about myself. They watch me, mirror me, learn from me. They are learning to speak to themselves the way I speak to them and speak to myself. Yes, I get this, I believe it. “The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” Yes, true.

But there needs to be an asterisk or an edit. Because without that, this statement is a little dangerous in my opinion.

Here’s the challenge. This statement – while generally true – puts ALL the pressure on the parent to develop the child’s inner voice. It doesn’t mean to (and maybe it is just my experience) but it does.

And that is A LOT of pressure. A lot. One’s inner voice is super important. Like uber important. If one’s inner voice is too cruel, it can lead to severe depression and worse. (And if it is all the parent’s job to develop it – and the child develops a negative inner voice – then what will happen to the parent’s inner voice? See where I am going?)

I do not take inner voices lightly, which is why I do my best as a mom to watch how I talk to my kids…and why I will continue to. I absolutely want to help them develop a kind and loving inner voice. Heck to the yes on that!

But this statement – putting all the pressure on me?! That’s heavy and it’s inaccurate. Yes, as a parent we accept a certain level of responsibility – where it correctly lies. It lies here, on helping to develop our child’s inner voice, but not 100%.

In my fully accepting this parenting belief, I fully negatively impacted my own mental health. Not good.

After I stopped crying, I suddenly had an AHA moment. A major, life changing one. An, I can breathe one.

Something my son said suddenly clicked for me. He commented about something that happened years ago. He then commented about something that happened in an online game. He was commenting about all social interactions happening here and there and today and then. He was telling me what the asterisk to the comment was.

I said to myself, “What a freakin’ second. Hold the phone. This statement is outright WRONG. I am not the only voice my son hears. Yes, I am part of it and yes I have made mistakes and at times said the wrong thing. I am human. But there is more.

The world hasn’t always been kind to him either. My son’s inner voice? It doesn’t develop just from me. It also develops from everyone in his life and how they talk to him. How his peers do. How online video game strangers do. How teachers do. How strangers do with the looks they give. How advertisements do. I am not the only person talking to my son. I am not the only person contributing to his inner voice. This is not my fault. I am a good loving parent. The way we talk to our children becomes (insert) PART of their inner voice*

*And also, so does the way the world talks to them.”

And I cry again. Why?

Because I hurt for my son and how the world wasn’t so nice to him at times, how loudly and repeatedly it talked to him. And also, perhaps more so, because my inner voice is cruel to me sometimes.

Because I have been telling myself that my son’s negative voice is all my fault, that I failed my son.

Because I have been putting all the pressure on myself to be the best parent, to speak to my children flawlessly to help build their inner voices.

Because there are so many voices out there telling me how to be a better parent; telling me which rules to follow to ensure I don’t screw my child up; telling me to do this, to do that.

Because there are so many voices out there with innocent messages about parenting that I feel like if I am not trying to improve as a parent that I am failing. I know, ironic coming from someone literally writing a parenting piece. I am well aware. Beyond aware.

Every day I struggle with this exact challenge of mine and every time I write, I try to make sure my messaging is what I want. I do not want to add to the voices that add pressure to parents to do better.

I do not want to add to your critical inner voice – I want to help yours and my inner voices to be kinder. I want to help my sons’ inner voices to be kinder. Because we all deserve kind and loving messages.

So here are yours for today. You are a good parent. You are doing a great job. You do not need to be perfect. You are doing your best. You do not need to carry all the responsibility for how your child turns out because there are invisible factors at play you can’t control – and visible factors at play you can’t control. Let go of all the pressure you put on yourself. You deserve kindness – and that includes telling yourself you are a good parent. ©2023 The Orange Rhino

Note: The Orange Rhino stands for warmth and positivity, amongst other things. I deserve kind and loving messages too – as does the original creator of the comment. Again, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment of the statement. If you do not agree with this post, I ask that you refrain from negative commenting – towards me and towards the creator of the statement.

I welcome differing opinions in the right tone and right forum, but if your comment is neither, I will delete without hesitation. Thank you for understanding and for sharing messages that support and build people up, not taking them down.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How I Try Not to Take My Teen’s Behavior Personally — So I Don’t Yell

Posted on January 19, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

One of my teens was in a wee bit of a bad mood yesterday. Our interactions weren’t all that pleasant. Unfortunately, we were in the mini-van so I couldn’t even take a break and walk away. Yes, yes I could have just kept my mouth shut and not engaged in conversation but it can be realllly hard to do so when the person frustrating you is right there next to you and you really just want to say one more thing!

And it can be even harder to remain quiet when the person frustrating you can’t help themselves and says one more thing to you even after you have stated that you are going to remain quiet. Sooo hard to not engage and take the bait. And so it went for a 20 minute car ride yesterday. Teen trusted me enough to tell me something he knew would upset me. I responded. That wasn’t appreciated.

Then I reminded myself “listen, don’t lecture.” But it was kinda late (in my teen’s opinion.) Teen then gave me a bit of an attitude about my not listening at first and said, “see, I knew you would respond that way.”

The following entirely one-way conversation frustrated the heck out of me. I am human and try my hardest to do my best, but don’t always respond the way one would hope. His words felt a little personal.

I then responded with, “I think it is best if I remain quiet for the rest of the ride. Let’s take a break.”

Well that just got him going even more. More words came out and things felt even more personal to me. I finally said, “You know, lately it feels like you are just always annoyed with me. It’s a real bummer.”

Right statement, right time? Don’t know. His response though? Phenomenally useful. He replied in as irritable as irritable-can-be voice, which by the way he claimed wasn’t an irritable voice (okay, whatever), “MOM, it isn’t personal. Did you ever think that I am not annoyed with you but that I am annoyed with how my day went? That I am irritable because of all the crap that happened?”

And there it was. My #1 take-away about my not yelling at my kids right back at me in a way I never thought of when it comes to my not yelling at my teens.

“It’s not you, it’s me” was the #1 Orange Rhino Revelation that truly helped me to really stop yelling. Realizing that my kids weren’t the problem, that I needed to look within, that I needed to look at what was going on with me, allowed me to figure out why I was really yelling and therefore how I could really stop.

So here I was, feeling like my teen was yelling at me (he claims he wasn’t, we will agree to disagree) and I was starting to take it personal which was making me want to yell right back.

But really, it wasn’t personal. “It’s not you MOM, it’s ME, your teen. I’m irritable because of me and my bad day, not because of you.”

And well holy crap if that didn’t just open my eyes. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I wrote in my books, kids are people too. By the way, teens are still kids and teens are also people too. Teens have bad days and bad moments and their behaviors can be all about them and their emotions and not about us, their parents.

Why is this relevant? I don’t know about you, but when I take stuff personal, I get in a mood. When I take my kid’s behavior personally in particular, it often leads me to, “Where did I go wrong as a parent? What am I doing wrong as a parent for them to be behaving this way?”

This thinking always puts me in a bad place and therefore if I am “triggered” by anything when I am stuck thinking about “where I went wrong” I am set up to react with a yell.

So…taking my teens’ or even young kids’ behavior personal, does me no good.

A while ago I asked my therapist if one of my kids’ behaviors was “normal” per say. She told me it was, didn’t mean it was respectful, but yes it was typical and just needed teaching.

So I said, “so basically… Normalize it, don’t Personalize it.”

This comes to mind now. Normalize it – people have bad days. Teens have bad days. Teens get irritable. Doesn’t mean it is right, just means it can happen and is typical and not unique to me and my situation so don’t Personalize it. Normalize might not be the perfect word, but the phrase really helps me when I am starting to take my teen’s behavior personally.

Not taking the behavior personally helps me to chill a bit, which allows me to remain calm and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting with a yell.

Before yesterday I only applied “Normalize it, Don’t Personalize it” to the really out there behaviors that push the boundaries.

But now, now I am remembering that teens can be irritable for soooo many reasons, many of which don’t have anything to do with me.

#1 New Release on Amazon for Anger Management/Self Help: Audiobook of “How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids-and How You Can Too!” A 30-day Guide with 100 Alternatives to Yelling, Simple, Daily Steps to Follow and Honest Stories to Inspire Thank you for all your support and for making that happen!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I Yelled at My Teen — and It Wasn’t Really About Him

Posted on January 10, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.

And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.

My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.

And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.

So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.

The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…

I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.

I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.

I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.

So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.

But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…

You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.

I am excited for new people to hear my story.

Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.

Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.

Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.

Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.

Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.

You know what else it shows?

That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.

And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.

We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…

Warmly, The Orange Rhino

P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.

They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino