What My Childhood Toys Taught Me About the Mom I Thought I’d Be

Posted on July 21, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

I had Barbie dolls. But she wasn’t my favorite. Nope. Sorry Barbie. I loved the oh-so-perfect, obviously never yelled, The Heart Family: the mom, the dad, and twin brother and sister. Barbie was cool and all, but she wasn’t a mom and at age seven, being a mom was way cooler to me than any Barbie, no matter how many amazing outfits or accessories she had. Besides, The Heart Family had the nursery set up (with adorable spare diapers, of course, even Barbie babies have blowouts), the Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible with car seats (of course!) and the family camper for fun family vacations.

I had all of these and they were better than any surf board or roller skate set. Any piece that would make this Family complete and happy as can be that I didn’t have, I asked for incessantly. Oh I loved playing in this dreamland of being a happy, peaceful mom. And beyond The Heart Family, I had dolls galore who I rocked and nurtured and loved like no other.

I just couldn’t wait to be a mom!

To give love.

To create love.

To be gentle.

To be kind.

To be there when someone cried.

To be there when they were in pain and needed soothing (by burping of course, no boo boo’s for these babies who weren’t crawling yet.)

I had so many visions of what life as a mom would look like. Obviously my clothes would be better than The Heart Family. I mean, still pinks and blues, but less poof and lace!

What I never, ever, ever envisioned? Yelling at my babies, my kids.

I soothed my dolls. I had The Heart Family mom talk sweetly to her babies as she smiled effortlessly, just like the pictures.

So that is how I would be when I was older. Duh. So where did my yelling come from? That wasn’t what I practiced as a little girl? That wasn’t how I planned things? That wasn’t who I was. I didn’t yell at people. Sure, as a little girl and even as I grew up, I had sensory meltdowns and yelled OUT but never AT people. I love people. I live to be kind to people, to spread kindness.

Yet here I was. Four sweet kids under five. Yelling at them.

For all the play and practicing I did interacting with people, as a little girl all the way to becoming a mom…how did I not learn this one very important skill? How did I never know to learn this skill? How did no one ever mention to even learn this skill? How did I not see anyone directly practice this skill? The skill? Actually skills?

What the heck to do when feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, how the heck to prevent the feelings in the first place, all so you don’t yell. Why didn’t I know this skill? Because no one talked about not yelling as a skill to learn…because it was either accepted or so deeply not accepted that you didn’t talk about it. Add that to the fact that I historically didn’t yell, and why would I even think about honing this skill?! Am I excusing my yelling? Of course not.

What I am doing is forgiving myself.

What I am doing is letting go of some of the guilt, the shame, that I harbored for so long.

What I am doing is loving myself the way I loved my baby dolls when I was seven.

What I am doing is saying, “Hey, I yelled more than I liked. I was as prepared for motherhood as I could be. Yelling was a surprise to me. I didn’t have the skills at the time. That wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t make me a bad mom or a bad person. It just means, I didn’t have the skills. So I got them. And I learned to manage my triggers and yell less.”

I haven’t seen the Barbie movie yet. I absolutely can’t wait! I have no idea how it turns out, but I know this. She goes to reality.

And I bet in the real world, if she does run into The Heart Family, her supposed friends, they will find themselves in a stressed moment and even though they are “perfect,” they will yell. They will yell not on purpose. Not because they are bad parents. Not because they are bad people. But because life is real, with aspects out of our control.And because life is real stressful, with experiences that hit us deeply.

Even when we are totally, utterly prepared and practiced…yelling happens. People are not invincible in the real world. We have feelings and histories. We get triggered and fall flat on our feet. And we yell. And so, we forgive ourselves. And we learn. And we teach our kids so that as they grow up, they have some of the skills we perhaps didn’t.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Should You Help Your Teen Clean Their Room? The Question That Changed My Approach

Posted on February 9, 2023 by The Orange Rhino

Do I help my teen clean his room? The answer yesterday was a game changer. This was the question of the day after school yesterday.

This particular child’s room has been a disgusting mess for days on end (for decent reason which I am not gonna get into.) He did his laundry – awesome – however it now decorated the floor. The areas of the floor that were untouched were covered in miscellaneous stuff, popcorn kernels, candy wrappers, an iPad, homework (I think), and who knows what else.

I have asked for the room to be picked up and even offered to help (as I often do) – but things have been a little stressful for this child as of late (for both of us, actually) so follow through has been tough and my help has even been denied. The growing mess has been getting to me.

So I have pondered, how much do I keep pushing for either him to do it alone, or do it with me, or do I cave and do it myself?

Ideally we would do it together but…ideal doesn’t always happen! I decided not too long ago that I only had so much energy per day and that I needed to put it where it mattered most in order to manage my own mental health.

I have so many things I want to teach my kids – actual actions and values. But, I can’t prioritize teaching everything everyday. I only have so much bandwidth. I have to pick and choose. It wasn’t as easy deciding where to put my energy and focus as I thought it would be (it all feels important.) A clean room is the perfect example.

On the one hand, teaching my kids responsibility is super important to me. Taking care of their things, ie. keeping a clean room falls under that category. At the same time, a clean room is way more important to me and not my kids so there was always a battle to get the job done on a daily basis.

I am motivated to have a clean room; they simply are not! It is not on their priority list at all. And, my boys were seeking a little control wherever they could find it (as teens, kids, humans all do.) And, I, I was seeking a little peace wherever I could find it.

So, we compromised. Their rooms, their messes, their responsibility. I accepted that they would learn responsibility a different way – as they lost things in their messes, as their rooms smelled, as they found they didn’t like it so much – they would learn to be more responsible on their terms.

And they accepted that once a week, they had to clean up and vacuum and take trash out, no matter what. I wouldn’t “nag” daily if they cleaned once a week. And oh, I accepted that I could shut the door and not see the mess 😉 It has mostly worked. Kids vacuum on their own because they hate how it gets. They put their clothes away when they realize that their clothes are getting too wrinkled to look cool when worn. They are getting there.

This is working well for us under our circumstances. But then there was yesterday and this one room that just wasn’t getting the love, despite my requests and offerings of help. It has been driving me crazy making me doubt myself and my parenting choice – should I have put the energy into making bedrooms clean daily? Did I prioritize wrong?

It has also been driving me crazy because of MY own beliefs. I like clean rooms. I believe that a space impacts the mind and mental health (this is me and my experience, not all agree which is fine and totally not the point here.) Teaching my kids the importance of taking care of one’s mental health is also important to me, just like teaching responsibility.

Should I have prioritized that aspect of a clean room?! Aaaah!!! On top of all this, this kiddo is having a hard time and MY anxiety has been kicking in that being in this messy, messy room so much isn’t helping him out so much.

I also know that he does agree – he has said as much in the past after he cleans his room and comments how much he prefers it. And yet, he is pushing me away and not accepting my help or doing it on his own. We have been in a stalemate (right, isn’t that what it is called?) And yet, I said I wouldn’t nag. I said I would let them all be, I would respect their spaces.

But also…his darn retainer was missing and that, that costs money and that was really bothering me. I had mentioned that if it wasn’t found he would be paying for a new one. He was none too thrilled with that. Any who…

Yesterday, I went to his room to remind him ever so lovingly about the missing retainer and that I said we could look together. I opened the door and saw that WHOA! he was finally folding his laundry!

Cue my internal debate. (1) Let him continue on his own and own the responsibility, this is amazing and wonderful… -OR- (2) Let go of my pride of “teaching a lesson” and the thought that “well finally, I only asked how many times, I am definitely not helping because it didn’t happen upon first request per our deal” and offer to help knowing that in doing so, it gives me an opportunity to connect and also, knowing that it teaches over important lessons: teamwork and grace.

I went with option two and I am SO glad that I did. I generally choose option two, but this time was sweeter. This teen and I have been butting heads big time. It seems every word out of my mouth irritates him. It feels like every word out of his mouth irritates me 🙂 Nothing I do or say is right. BUT, while helping him, he opened up. In doing a task together, while talking, it took some of the stress and discomfort of a direct talk away.

Also, this kiddo speaks more calmly when doing something, especially with his hands. (A lot of people do, by the way. Think of chats while throwing a ball, taking a walk, cooking, doing a puzzle.)

“Mom, you really frustrate me. You say it seems like I am angry all the time. I am not angry, I am just frustrated. There is a difference you know. I am working hard at school and I don’t think you see that. I know my grades aren’t great but I am improving. You frustrate me because you say you know, but then you ask me to work harder.”

Wow. An awesome, awesome, communication. Hard to hear, but valuable as heck. (Frustrating that he isn’t hearing that I do know how hard he is working, but alas, I was trying to listen not lecture.) But wait for this one.

Beautiful that he knows this about himself, more so that he shared it…. “I know it looks like I am not doing a lot, but I am. Small steps at a time mom. You know I don’t like doing new things. It is uncomfortable for me. So I am taking a small step. When I feel comfortable doing that, then I take another step, and then I will take another step. I know my progress is slow, but it is progress. It will all add up. I will get there.”

And I am crying. Hey kiddo? Can I just tell you, in regards to parenting teens, “I know my progress is slow, but it is progress and I am learning thanks to you?” So very grateful for this interaction and that I didn’t lose it due to yelling or getting all overly annoyed over the status of a room.

I learned so much about his thinking and where he is at. He still struggled to understand that I did see his hard work and that I appreciated it and also…that time was of the essence so that while his approach makes sense, he also needs to kick it up a notch. But more so, that I know that he can!

Again, the darn fine line of parenting teens. I need to push him out of his comfort zone, but not too much, not too little. Push too hard and I shut him down. Push too little, he stays where he is which isn’t working so well (he just doesn’t fully see it because well, he is a teen.)

But alas, his words were right. He will get there. I need to believe in him a bit more. I need to let go even more than I have and have faith that he is on his way to understanding himself and what he needs.

And…I need to accept that I am not the only one anymore that understands and knows what he needs (and this isn’t just in regards to grades, it applies to other things too.) Oh, this parenting thing is hard. One step at a time. We can do it! (And hey, by the way. My teen’s comments about his own growth are awesome words of wisdom when going after a goal like yelling less;) just saying.) © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

10 Ways I Yell Less When Life Gets Extra Busy

Posted on December 17, 2022 by The Orange Rhino

As we go into what I am sure will be an extra busy weekend for many – being the weekend before Christmas and the 1st night of Hanukkah – I thought I would share some of my top 10 tips for Not Yelling at your kids. I am gonna warn you though – the list might not be what you expect.

When I challenged myself to go an entire year without yelling at my kids (then ages 5 and under), my assumption was that I was going to learn how to “improve” my kids’ behavior, how to get them to listen better, respond faster, fight less, and all that stuff so that they gave me less reasons to yell.

Because you know they were the majority of the problem – or so I thought. I quickly learned, by tracking when and why I yelled, that while some of their behaviors were indeed triggers, a lot of these triggers came from me and own crap. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” stuff. I quickly learned that while I was indeed triggered by their not listening, the yelling wasn’t because of the trigger – the yelling was because I wasn’t in a place to manage the trigger!

The real trigger was me.
My mood.
My problems.
My life.
My past.
Blech.

Don’t get me wrong. My kids’ behaviors could (is!) still be triggering, but in learning to not yell, I had to look at the whole picture and find solutions to all the triggers. And what I have really come to learn since my book came out and I was forced to reflect on what was next, is that what happens all the many moments before “the yelling trigger” are just as important as the exact moment you want to yell.

Just think about it. I hate using battle as an example but…no, I just can’t. I need to come up with something better.

Okay – pick any big moment.
Job interview.
Breaking up with someone.
Going to divorce court.
Meeting with a friend over a personal issue.

How well you handle that tough emotional moment depends on so many things – but how you go into it, how calm, confident, prepared makes a world of difference. Of course there is only so much one can do to control everything before the tough moment.

I mean knowing me – I can do everything I do to be mentally ready – and then do what I do best and slip on non-slippery pavement and fall into the smallest puddle ever and spill the one drop of coffee left on the one white polka dot on my shirt – and then become all frazzled and poof! Mental state begone BUT my mental state will still be way better than if I had done nothing to be in a good place.

So with that said…some of my top things to prepare for / handle yelling moments:

BEFORE the DESIRE to YELL – setting up for success

Identify what problems might arise and problem solve (for me – malls are hot and crowded and make me cranky so now I wear t-shirts. No joke. And I always leave the jacket in the car. Carrying it makes me even crankier.) Also, practice. What will you do? How will you respond? What will you say? Knowing is MORE than half the battle 😉
Drink lots of water and eat balanced meals (Kids and parents, alike!) – I know, this is annoying to freakin’ read but it is relevant. I do not want to get into a nutritional debate. But, hanger is a real thing. Dehydration doesn’t help. I have learned as I have aged that Pizza and I? We had to break up. It was tragic. One of my worst breakups ever. Pizza truly made me cranky. I have also broken up with ice cream sundaes. And bagels with cream cheese. My world is a little less without these foods BUT the few moments of joy they brought me were increasingly LESS than the crankiness and bickering that came after.
Exercise (parents and kids alike, again!) – Moving the body, works wonders, endorphins and all that good stuff. Plus if done together, connection and sometimes even problem solving because it is easier to share problems walking next to each other not staring into each other’s eyes 😉
Do something relaxing / enjoyable for even just a few minutes – doesn’t matter what. When my kids come home every other weekend, it is super stressful. Really hard. I always try to sit and do something just for me for 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. It can be anything – think out of the box. What makes you happy? Just think about that. Think about a favorite memory. A future trip.
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It truly is medicine. TRIGGER is totally STARTING to get to you.
Find a baby picture – or a happy picture – remember your child is indeed a sweet, loving, innocent child. They aren’t trying to be bad. They are in need and don’t know how to better communicate. Happy pictures also release endorphins.
Release it and “yell” productively and proactively – but say something totally and utterly different. OOGASCHMOOGABOOGA!!! This was an old one, but a favorite. It made us all laugh because it is ridiculous sounding and fun to say. If I opened my mouth to yell I would pause and then burst into that. Took practice – but getting out the yell productively, released that emotion. The intensity needs to get out – let it out or it will come out in other not so good ways! Also – yell into the freezer (cold air, works wonders), get your kids and run around outside yelling while playing tag or whatever (bonus – fresh air and exercise)
Turn the lights down – two effects (1) makes kids stop because they are all what the heck just happened so not only have they stopped you have their attention and (2) it reduces sensory overload and induces a more relaxing environment oh and (3) forces a pause for everyone which gives you a chance to re-group mentally.
And now a trick brought to you by my therapist. 5-4-3-2-1 senses. Notice 5 things you can see – 4 things you can hear – 3 things you can smell – 2 things you can touch – 1 thing you can taste. I apply the senses to any number but the point is all senses assigned to a number. This brings you into the present moment which again, allows you to re-group and respond instead of yell.
Remind yourself: it isn’t an emergency. Yelling isn’t needed. Yelling won’t truly work – it won’t truly de-escalate the situation, it won’t motivate long-term, it won’t build a connection to prevent the same situation from happening again. Yelling will likely make things worse. Yelling really isn’t what you want to do. This tough moment will indeed pass AND You can get through it – and will get through it – without yelling because you, you my friend are a freakin’ Orange Rhino.

A strong, determined, peaceful and powerful person. So go head, respond – really, problem solve – that really annoying trigger without yelling – use a quiet voice because kids have to work harder to listen.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Talking to Kids About Suicide, Loss and the Importance of Staying Here

Posted on December 15, 2022 by The Orange Rhino

I have debated back and forth a lot this morning about posting this because it is sensitive and I want to get it right. But it is all that is on my mind and I feel it is ever so important to share. Love to all. TRIGGER warning, suicide.

Disclaimer, I am not a mental health professional. If you need help, please call or text 988 because you matter – and we need you here.

One of my sons came into the kitchen last night and said, “Mom, did you see who died?! The guy from Ellen I used to watch when I was younger. I loved him. He was the best.” The sadness and disbelief crept onto his face and…tears come to my eyes now.

I loved watching my son watch Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss. When he did, my son’s eyes filled with awe and his smile with joy. It was always, always, one of the sweetest moments during our chaotic days. Such an incredible loss. Oh my heart aches for his family and all those who struggle. I just can’t. I can’t.

My son then asked how he died and I replied, “He died by suicide sweetheart.”

“Oh.” His face fell even more. The silence became heavy.

“But he seemed so happy. I don’t understand.”

“Yes. I know. I don’t either. It’s tragic beyond words. Heartbreaking. It’s a good, albeit very sad, reminder that you never know what is going on in someone’s private life or in their mind. It is why I always say, just be kind. You don’t know everyone’s story. What they have been through in life or that day. Just be kind.”

“I know.” he said softly.

And I know he did. He is one sweet, loving, empathetic kind kid. I could see he was also thinking, pondering. He knows some people in his life who have struggled.

This is, and rightfully so, a hard, subject for him, for me, for all of us. But it can’t be avoided.

“Hey kiddo. I want you to remember. In life, you might feel some really crappy, heavy, feelings and feel like they will never go away, that they are permanent, and that you will always feel miserable. You are young so you won’t have experienced yet that these crappy and depressing feelings will go away, they will pass. I promise. You won’t have experienced yet that you can get through the hard times. But you can. I promise you. And you know you never, ever have to be alone with your feelings. I am always here for you. And remember, I love you. You make my life better!”

“I know, mom, thanks.” And off he went to sit with our dog Hope, for some love and comfort. And off I went to try and focus on dinner when really I just wanted to cry.

I have had days where I have said to my therapist, “I just can’t anymore. The pain is too much. This is too hard. When is it going to end? I need it to end.”

The sad part is – even though I love my therapist and I trust her implicitly – I always cushion those statements (the few times I have said them) with “I am not going to do anything, I am in just so much deep pain and I don’t know how to explain it in other words.” Lest my therapist think I am *gasp* actually in that, THAT much pain.

No, I can’t have her think that. I can only have her think I am in a mediocre amount of pain. Oh, how I wish we were more free to fully share the depths of our feelings without fear of judgement. I know my therapist won’t judge me; she is the best.

But the world, my inner world? It has, and for this, I hold back. I keep my dark, ugly feelings to myself. The thoughts no one wants to hear but that I am certain everyone also has.

Except one thought – and that one I shared loud and clear – that I yell at my kids. It worked out okay sharing that dark truth. It felt great knowing I wasn’t the only one; it brought such comfort, such relief.

So, I share this today – hesitant as can be – because I know there is at least 1 person who follows this page who needs to read this and who needs to know, You aren’t alone. I see you. I feel your pain all too well. I know you are hurting. I know you are wondering if you are loved. I know you are feeling tossed aside and that you don’t matter; that you aren’t good enough and never will be. I know that you are feeling that nothing is getting better, just worse, so what’s the point.

The point is your children. They need you. They really do. Anytime you hear, “Mama? Mom? Mommy?” It really means, I need you. It really means, where are you – I need your comfort, I need the support only you can provide. It really means, are you there because I need you here because you make me feel safe in this world. And your kids do love you, even though they show it sometimes in the oddest of ways. Your friends love you and need you.

Your family – whoever you may call family – needs you. Things will get better, they just haven’t, yet, but they will. I am living proof that they will. You are more than good enough – the fact that you follow this page, that you are interested in learning about how to yell less shows me that you are interested in self-growth and being the best you can be which tells me you are a great parent. If you doubt yourself as a mom, remind yourself that the mere fact that you ask yourself that means that you are kicking butt at parenthood.

We work hard and try to improve at what we care about – at what we love. Loving our kids and wanting the best for them is the core of being a good mom. That is you. You care enough to self-reflect and make sure you are doing your best. That means you are present and working hard – keep it up.

And remember… Life can be painful. Pain can seem like it will never, ever get better. Days can seem like they refuse to end. Months can seem to be filled with constant bad news, always something new to overcome. But it all passes. It might go a heck of a lot slower than desired. It might be painful as heck and hard as heck and undesirable as heck to go through – but one can get through it all. You will be exhausted as all get out – from motivating yourself daily, hourly even, to find perspective, to find the good, to find the positive thoughts, and to find the strength to not lose hope – but you will sleep and then live to make it through another day that will hopefully, and eventually be better than the day before.

I got through a lot of crap with the help of not one, but two therapists. You read that right. Oh, and my friend, Wellbutrin, an antidepressant. No shame. No shame at all. I have four kiddos who I love fiercely and who need me at the best I can be. And despite all the pain and yuck in the world, there is also beauty and I want to be able to get out and fully experience it without being held back by darkness.

Again, life can be painful. Life can be hard. Life can be overwhelming. But you can get through it. I know you can. Repeat. I know you can. I hope you have a friend you can reach out to today to say, “I’m hurting. Like really hurting and I need to talk. I need to tell you my truths.”

If you are hesitant to share, I want you to remember,

In all likelihood, you sharing your truth is actually a gift to the person you share with because they too have probably felt the same and will feel a bit less alone as a result. They will feel a sense of relief.
If they judge you – you have given yourself a gift of knowing who to remove from your life. Painful gift, but a long-term one that will keep giving. And if they judge you see #1. Likelihood is they aren’t ready to fully admit to their own feelings and their response has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They perhaps envy your strength and courage and they didn’t know what to do with it, except judge.
If you are worried you will be judged because you have been by others in the past, it is still worth the risk. Sharing your feelings instead of carrying them as a burden will be a start in moving forward.

And if you truly know that there is no one that you can trust with your darkest feelings – your true, real feelings that are ever so valid – please text or call 988. You are so very, very needed. You are so very, very loved. And you can – and will – get through whatever darkness you are experiencing.

With so much love to all who are hurting and doubting, I just can’t say it enough – you are loved and we need you here, in this life. And to all who aren’t hurting today, smile at someone who isn’t; you might just make their day. Compliment someone; you might just help them see their strengths. And know that if and when you are hurting, I will see you then too. * AND if you have time, please read the comments.

I do not want to miss anyone being brave enough to share their truths. Please take a moment to share love and encouragement.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino