Tag Archives: Fun

Feeling Lost and Finding Yourself Again: A Self-Safari Field Note

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*Tissue warning* Ah, the good ‘ole “Lost and Found” basket at schools, at homes, at wherever. I, of course, naturally thought about this basket soon after I thought about myself being “Lost and Found.” Because well, you all know the random connections my brain makes and also, with the end of the school year approaching way too quickly, the “Come check Lost and Found one more time” email reminders are as plentiful as ever.

The emails always make me chuckle as they reflect the trends for the year; you know, the things the teens absolutely had to have. This year? Well this years’ photos were especially funny; fancy water bottles to keep water super, duper, wicked cold, next to “hoodies” to keep one super, duper, wicked warm and cozy. Lol.

I love teens. And kids. Especially my kids. Why? Lots of reasons but mostly because of alllll the photos…between all the schools…and yet not one of our missing water bottles can be found. Where oh where did they go? To the land of the spoons and phone chargers?

One shall never know…. But I shall always know this. And this deep thought came to me as I ended my walk on Sunday and it led me to tears.

So here is where you grab the tissues (I had none, so sleeve it was.) The beauty of the “Lost and Found” basket in the schools – and at hotels, and concerts, and everywhere you go, is that everyone knows that they exist. Everyone knows that there is a place to go when you lose what matters to you. And additionally, there are always meeting points and places you know to go when you are, literally, lost. I want to be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons.

I guess I am the basket already (literally at night and figuratively otherwise.) I am always there. Even when empty, when my kids are doing fine and are on their ways and doing well in their worlds and not lost at all, I am there. I remain. Like a “Lost and Found” basket, I am never put away. I patiently wait for when I am needed, for when my children feel lost and need help finding their way, however that looks.

Whether it be when they feel overwhelmed and lost in school, and need help studying so they feel confident again.

Whether it be when they feel confused and lost in a social matter, and need help navigating it so they feel comfortable.

Whether it be when they feel down and out and lost in life in general, and need help… NOPE… just need a listening ear so they feel less alone.

Or, whether it be when they feel frustrated because they literally lost something that mattered to them and need help finding it, so they feel less anxious. (Oh I get this. And oh I want to lecture on responsibility but my kids are as human as I am when it comes to misplacing things – it simply happens sometimes and when it does, I am there to help them.)

Whatever it is, whenever it is, I hope to always be the “Lost and Found” basket for my sons – the place they know that is always there to go to when they feel lost.

And I hope that when they move on to college (way sooner that I am ready to admit) and then onto their own lives and go on walks like I did and realize they are lost on a greater scale, that they still call me.

And I know that what I do today will directly impact whether or not I get that phone call in the future. So I continue to focus on developing a strong, trusting, loving relationship with my teens (as I did when they were little ones.) I continue to work on…

~ Connecting before “correcting.”

~ Listening more, lecturing less. (oof this is hard)

~ Working with them, not against them. (Same team!)

~ Taking things less personal, period, so I don’t overreact and escalate matters.

~ Remembering they are humans too – with good days and bad days, just like me.

~ Focusing on what matters, what really, really matters.

~ And making relationship repairs after I have yelled or made a mistake because if I don’t, my “Lost and Found” basket will end up with lots of rips and tears and holes in it.

And I don’t want that. It is a privilege to figuratively be my childrens’ “Lost and Found” basket and I so want to remain as such.

So repairs I make, as frequently as needed. Finding my way as an adult is hard. Finding my way when I was a teen was hard. Finding my way AS A PARENT of a TEEN is hard. I can only imagine how my teens feel finding their way in this world. And so I remain. As the “Lost and Found” basket. Always there. Always waiting, even when not needed, so that I am ready for the moment I am.

Sending warmth and strength to you today and always, Warmth today if you are feeling the feels of the thought of your kiddos going off into the world soon, Strength today if your child is feeling lost and you currently are there for them, remaining, listening, supporting, just being. I know how hard it is to be there. It is heartbreaking.

So I send you strength (and love, lots of love, to you and your child.) All my best, The Orange Rhino © 2023 The Orange Rhino (And fear not dear Fellow Orange Rhinos, this lovely sign does not always exist so crisp and perfect. In fact, it doesn’t exist;) It was made solely for the purpose of this picture. I wrote this post as part of yesterday’s post and decided to make it its own. Then decided that the post needed a picture.

And then well, filling the basket – which yes does exist as a “Mom’s Lost and Found Basket” was super easy to fill. It contains a hat, an iPad, a t-shirt, some socks. Actually, lots of socks. And no, no missing water bottles. Or spoons. Or chargers.)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Secret Ingredient That Helps Me Reconnect With My Teen After a Fight

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I got into a “fight” with my teen yesterday and it reminded me of the “secret ingredient” I have to being in a good relationship with my teens. It’s an ingredient that……

helps us re-connect after a disconnect…
diffuses either of our moods so that we can enjoy each other’s company instead of suck the joy out of the room…
makes the tough moments less memorable because it makes other moments more special…

I never would have thought of it. The ingredient? Being playful. The fight? You really want to know what we fought over? Oh, I started a water fight in the kitchen 😉

It was the end of the night. He was chill. I was chill. We were just chatting. He had milk on his face, as he always does, and probably always will. He is legit a walking “Got Milk?” ad. A handsome one at that! I nicely pointed it out, and he replied with “well, since you are at the sink, can you give me a wet paper towel?”

Well…duh. Major opportunity! I wet a paper towel. Like drenched it. I was inspired by the weather here so I didn’t squeeze it out…and tossed it at him so when he caught it, it sprayed all over him. He then flicked his wet hands at me to get me wet forgetting that I was still at the sink. Rookie move dude. I turned the faucet on to spray him, obviously. He started to run. It. Was. Awesome. We were laughing. And smiling. And connecting. And bonding. And not fighting or bickering or yelling or arguing or any of that crapola. All my stress from the day disappeared. I imagine for him too.

It was one of the highlights of my week. If you told me eighteen months ago that this teen and I would be laughing together instead of me hiding in my bathroom crying, I wouldn’t have believed you, but here I am. We got here because of the other secret ingredient – I trusted him and let him try to fly.

I believed in him and gave him more room to grow. And as I treated him as he wanted to be treated, as I treated him like the person I believed he could be, and he grew, and I started relaxing and being more playful, our relationship grew. It has been amazing.

Is it perfect all the time? Nope. We still have our moments but the difference is so much better.

It’s funny. When I first started out trying to stop yelling, I did everything and anything to keep a yell from coming out of my mouth. Talked like a robot. Talked like I had marshmallows in my mouth. Talked like Bugs Bunny (What’s up son?) Whispered.

Said silly things like, “ooogaschmoogabooga!”

These “tricks” worked for a lot of reasons (for my goal of not yelling in the moment, we all know I needed to look deeper to stop yelling for the long run.) In the obvious way, they:

Gave my voice, my mouth, something else to do.
Made the kids focus more to listen.
Made the kids laugh which made us all feel better.
Helped us all to chillax in tense moments.

In the less obvious way, but just as important, these tricks:
Calmed my nervous system down by making me talk slower, and reduced stress in my body by balancing out all the hormones that go all over the place when in fight or flight.

So, lots of good benefits, right? I mean, and lets not forget the biggest two: they all helped me to stop yelling and get to a better place which therefore allowed us all to either connect or re-connect. Wins, wins all around.

The theme of all the tips? Being playful. I don’t worry about yelling at my teens as much as I did when they were seven and under. I am in a much better place, as are they. The dynamic has shifted.

So I don’t use these tricks as much to make sure I don’t yell but…these “tricks” are still applicable.
They still diffuse tension.
They still make us laugh.
They still help to reduce stress.
They still help us all to chillax.
They still help my nervous system after a long day.
They still help us to connect.

Being playful, being silly, it brings the intensity down so many notches, which is really needed with teens (and okay, me.)

Teens are struggling with holding on to being a kid and joining the world of being way more responsible. It is an intense place to be, I remember. (And also, okay, as a mom of a teen, it is also intense knowing that letting go even more is coming.) My kids enjoy my playfulness 98% of the time, sometimes I time it way wrong. It is a welcome break from all the intensity of school, social drama, worrying about the future (which even if not spoken about at home, is spoken about by friends and society), and changes they go through at this stage. Life is simply intense for them – good and not so much.

When I respond to my teens in a playful way, they are pleasantly surprised and I think relieved. It is kind of like how my making mistakes shows them being perfect isn’t the goal and is totally human and okay. Phew! Being playful is the same – it reminds them that as they become teens and “grow up” they can still be totally playful. Playful in the silly way, not “less than intelligent teen” way.

I know they know this (based on the evidence in my house, ahem, behavior I still see) but I also see glimpses of them trying to hold back. I can’t tell you their absolute favorite thing I do because it would embarrass them and that is a no go.

But I will say that it absolutely proves that they like the break from being a teen, that they like the flashback to being a little kid, when life was a little easier. It’s funny, I mean it isn’t funny, and that is just an odd saying, but whatev (feel like talking like teens did when I was one,) I started out being silly to try and get their attention. It was absolutely intentional. I wanted to do something so different that they had to see me, hear me, stop what they were doing, look up from their screens and look at me and wonder, “what the heck is mom doing?” It worked.

I got their attention. But I got more than the focused attention I wanted. I got loving attention. They looked at me with affection, with twinkles in their eyes. Smirks on their lips.

And then feigned annoyance in their voices which really meant, “Aw mom, I love you and you are so ridiculous.” We shared a moment. And getting those moments is so hard these days with moods and schedules and more moods and more schedules. Being ridiculous was so worth it. Beyond worth it.

So yeah, I started out being playful to get their attention, but now I do it because it turns out being playful isn’t just an effective tool to stop yelling, but it is a really fun way to start connecting. And on that note, it is time to make the Donuts (well get them) because that’s what we do if they are awake on time and my goodness, somehow everyone is ready on time today. Sending playful energy your way today, xoxo, The Orange Rhino © 2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Parenting Teens: How Kids Can Make You Want to Scream With Frustration and Joy

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Let’s be totally honest – kids make you want to scream with frustration and also, with joy, with excitement, with pride, with love. I had one of the latter moments yesterday. And fear you not, several of the others as well, both before and after the good moment.

It’s just been a trying time here in this Orange Rhino household of teens lately, which is why this one yelling moment out of joy was that much more special.

My boys were at their dad’s this weekend. They often don’t call when they are there. At first it really hurt and I took it personally, not gonna lie. Then, after several weekends of them saying the same thing the minute they walked in the door, “Hi mom! Love you! Sorry I didn’t call this weekend but…” I started to understand where they were coming from with not calling and didn’t take it as personal.

And I knew we were both having a hard time with the adjustment. The upside to this? When I do get a call?! Especially when one kiddo who never, ever calls?! It is that much more golden.

Okay, well, it is 50/50 golden when he calls. Scratch that. 33/33/33 (and can someone please come up with a clever way to make that sound easy like 50/50. Is it 33% equally? 33% all around? I don’t know. Anywho.)

33% chance he needs me to do something for him which while annoying and totally teenager, I still welcome the chance to hear his voice, the opportunity to talk to him about life and the fun of talking to a third person about calling just because he needs something. We are still learning phone manners here. Holy schnikes!

This is of course his favorite thing I do. Insert eye rolls. After he finishes his request for some game thing or another, I’ll playfully go “Oh, hi mom. I just called to say I love you. I need something and that something is to talk to! I miss you!”

He’ll giggle, yes giggle, and say, “I know, sorry. Hi mom, how are you, how is your weekend?”

33% something is wrong. There was the time he Face-timed me. Then I was actually worried and rightfully so because one look and I knew something was wrong – this was the beginning of the great Hand Mouth Throat takeover of 2022.

It was swell. And the 33% Sheer Joy. The truth is just calling to say I love you or I am thinking of you. Which brings us to yesterday’s call.

“So mom, I was just thinking. I was watching You Tube…” I tried to stay focused but all I could think was oh lordy, what crazy, ridiculous story am I going to hear and have to pretend to be excited about or have to “not lecture” about but somehow teach about the inappropriateness of the content?!

Focus, girl, focus. He called for you. Embrace the moment! Believe there is good to come! 

“…and somehow I ended up watching a video about…” bracing myself… “extinct animals.” SAFE, I think?! “Oh, cool!” I said enthusiastically.

“And then, they started talking about Rhinos actually. And how people are killing them for their horns and how they could be extinct soon. And it made me think of you.”

Needed to brace myself again. This had complete and utter potential to go two ways:

(1) It made me think of you dying or

(2) it made me think of you and The Orange Rhino.

This was a legit 50/50. No 33% equally here! We journey on into the conversation. “It did? How so?” I asked curiously, and genuinely. I was so touched that he made a connection to me when seeing Rhinos.

“Well, you know how you are The Orange Rhino?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking. I mean, you don’t let me have Facebook or social media so I don’t know how it works, but like, maybe people don’t know what The Orange Rhino is?”

Yes, SAFE!

“Maybe they are confused and are thinking it is about saving Rhinos? And maybe they think there are actually Orange Rhinos? And also, you know how I want to make money? Maybe I could work for you somehow? I don’t know. Just thought of you. Wanted to share. That’s it.”

“WOW, sweetheart. That is totally awesome. I am really touched, truly. Thanks so much for thinking of me.” I said and as I write, I sit here tearing up, a voice inside me yelling with joy,  “YES! He is a love! He does think of me!”

“So seriously, can I work for you somehow and make money?” And now I giggled, because, well, kids.

“I don’t know honey, but maybe. We will see. I do love your insights though and they are spot on. I am actually working right now to make it more clear what an Orange Rhino is. Way to go. Hope you are having a great weekend.”

“I am. Okay. Love you. Bye.”

And that was that. But so much more than that.

One of the reasons I started writing again was for my boys to see me “working” and doing something I love. To see me having goals and going after them. To see me having dreams and chasing them. My son saw me enough to think of me when not with me and so much so to call me. Major win yesterday, a major win. YELLING with excitement!

And also, he is right. Perhaps there is confusion to all who are new or even anyone who sees the phrase “The Orange Rhino.” What is it? I know it was a little more clear when I had the word Challenge there. Oh, it’s a challenge. And then clearly, one look at my website, oh, a challenge to stop yelling.

But why a rhino? Well, one day in the beginning when I was searching for a symbol so I could remain anonymous, my son was yelling at me while picking his nose. I said calmly, “If I can’t yell what does that mean for you?”

He replied, “I can’t yell, but I can still pick my nose!” This inspired me to google Rhino for some reason (my brain works in wondrous ways) and voila…

“Grey Rhinos are naturally calm animals that charge when provoked (threatened.)”

Well, I’ll be! I was a Grey Rhino. I charged when provoked vis-a-vis yelling and saw myself as naturally calm. Anywho, I wanted to respond with warmth and love and no longer with yelling. I needed the energy and determination to do so time and time again. I needed the color Orange in my life! And so, The Orange Rhino was born! The Orange Rhino did appear to face extinction for a while, but really, was just evolving.

And wow, as I write that, powerful statement, no? How often do we think we are on a dead end path but really we are gathering information, experiences and insights to help us on a new path? We just don’t realize it at the time of course…. I thought The Orange Rhino was headed towards extinction, but really was just evolving. The Orange Rhino still represents Yelling Less, but now, also more. The Orange Rhino represents Yelling Less all Around – at our kids, at ourselves, from ourselves and from our lives.

Because yelling doesn’t just happen because of our kids, and it doesn’t just happen towards our kids.

Yelling happens because of ourselves and our thoughts, the negative ones we listen to too much, the positive ones we don’t listen to enough.

Yelling happens because of our lives, our connections, our experiences, our actions, our inactions.

The Orange Rhino is evolving, but at the core is still the same thing: warmth and love. Warmth and love for my kids, Warmth and Love for myself, and making sure I am in a life that is giving Warmth and Love back to me. My son gave me loads of warmth and love yesterday with a simple phone call. I won’t get all moments right with him, nor him with me. Neither of us are perfect.

But we enjoy the moments we do get right. I am an Orange Rhino, and he is one in the making – and we are both still human. Sending loads and warmth and love this Monday morning, xoxo, The Orange Rhino ©2023

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Facebook Wanted $50 to Reach Six More People — So I Laughed

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You all know I think laughing is important. How is this for a wicked good laugh. FB wants me to pay $50 to boost one post so that I can reach a whopping SIX more people. Six. It used to be $35 to reach at least 1,500 or more. I laughed so hard when that popped up on my screen.

In other news, looks like they are also limiting how many of you have seen what I wrote this week 🙁 Totally time to find a new way to communicate with all of you. I know people don’t prefer to go direct to blogs but…I might just have to post there and then email it out. Thoughts?! Hope you all are having a Cool and Warm day.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

I Yelled at My Teen — and It Wasn’t Really About Him

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And…I yelled at my teen this morning. It wasn’t a total, full blown yell. It was just more of me being really grouchy and short tempered and definitely not being the parent or person I aim to be.

And I feel crappy about it. What did he do you ask? What did he not do? What did he say? Not say? Oh, no. His behavior isn’t the reason I behaved the way I did. And perhaps that is why I feel so crappy. He extra didn’t deserve the way I talked to him.

My yelling was entirely driven by me – I triggered my yelling. I am tired and so I was on edge during the chaos of the morning rush. A family of deer was hanging out in my yard last night walking back and forth in front of our Ring camera setting it off and therefore my phone (which I use as an alarm.) And a kiddo was sleep walking so that also woke me up.

And…I am feeling crappy about myself and having negative thoughts thanks to reading some old book reviews. I did so on purpose, but that didn’t make reading them easier.

So my mind was dwelling (I dwell therefore I yell) and not fully present. And…I am nervous. I’m going to be out-right, brutally honest and write something I am probably not supposed to admit to or share but when has that stopped me? I do believe in being an open book because I hope it connects with someone and makes them feel less alone and hopefully better.

The audio version of my book releases one week from today and I’m nervous. Really nervous. For a lot of reasons but mostly because…

I’m nervous that I am going to get another round of negative and nasty comments about me personally – not the book, or the how to stop yelling framework, but me personally.

I’m nervous that people are going to again comment on how screwed up I am, how unbalanced I am, how many problems I have and yada yada yada.

I’m nervous that I am going to want to shut down again from the attacks, from embarrassment, from deep shame.

So combine tiredness, negative thinking and dwelling, and nervousness and yep, I was primed to yell. And I did. Total bummer. I apologized after but still. Sucks. I will talk with him again after school and remind him that I yelled because of me – because I let some stuff get to me. Not just to make me feel better, not just to make him know it wasn’t him, but to show him the power of our thoughts and lack of sleep.

But until then…I need to get to a better place so I am in a good place when he gets home. When they all come home. I feel the negative thoughts hanging out so I am going to find a new thought that I like better…

You know what? I can be nervous AND excited. Necited.

I am excited for new people to hear my story.

Is my book full of vulnerable, honest anecdotes that sometimes show how flawed I am? Yes.

Does it share that I have a disorder? Yes.

Does it show that I deeply struggled with yelling? Yes.

Does it show that my kids struggle sometimes too? Yes.

Does it perhaps show more about me than I would have shared today? Yes it definitely does.

You know what else it shows?

That one can be flawed and struggle with some big triggers and still learn to stop yelling.

And now I am laughing because the joke is on the naysayers – if I am so “screwed up” and can learn to stop yelling, anyone can 😉 But it is true – anyone can learn to stop yelling.

We all already have the ability to yell less. I believe that. I am not just saying it. Is it hard at first? YES. But it is possible and it is worth it. Cliche, I know. And I hate cliches. And I hate that I write them because I sound like such a mom 🙂 But… I just know that so many of us feel alone as parents with all sorts of different struggles and if I can make one of those struggles a little less for you but telling you I believe you can yell less, I’m gonna write it. You can yell less. I know you can. I’ll believe in you and for you until you believe it yourself…

Warmly, The Orange Rhino

P.S. Edited to add, after reading some of your lovely and encouraging comments. Another new perspective I am using today to get to a better place – perspective. The negative reviews are hard for me for personal reasons because I struggle with wanting to please everyone and I let others’ negative thoughts get to me. These two things are triggers – they set me up to yell. SO really, these reviews are gifts.

They are the gifts, working on these personal triggers so that I can yell even less and have an even more peaceful life. Triggers aren’t always bad – look for the beauty in them. Look for what they are telling you and teaching you and what opportunity they offer!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

How to Stop Yelling at Your Teenager — According to My Teenager

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“Mom, why do you look like you are about to scream and lose your…?” my teen lovingly and genuinely asked.

“Do you really want to know?” I asked back.

“Not really, no, but…ok, fine. Go ahead. What’s up.”

“Well…I was just googling some stuff for The Orange Rhino. And stumbled upon an article from that person that copied a lot of what I did…and then publicly bashed me. And I am just fuming. Absolutely fuming. I am frustrated that I can’t let it go. It bothers me that all these years later and I still let this get to me. Harumph.”

He sighed with me. He’s a great kid – love him to pieces. Are you ready for this wisdom?

This is my silver lining kiddo. “Mom, the past is the past. She copied The Orange Rhino ideas because she liked them. Compliment to you. And besides the past doesn’t matter now because you are focusing on not yelling at teens and that’s new stuff!” (Yes, yes it is my dear. A whole lot of new stuff and a whole new level of patience!)

“Okay, but I haven’t totally figured it out yet. The whole not yelling at you teens.” I stated.

“No, no you haven’t! But you are improving. You are way better than last year. Look, I am sitting in the front seat actually talking to you now. See, progress! AND I am not wearing my headphones, I actually listened to you when you said it was rude to do so during a conversation.” He shared proudly, loving having an “adult” like conversation with me.

“Okay then Mr. Teenager. What is the secret to not yelling at teens? What did I do right? Enlighten me so I can share?”

“Oh, it is simple. Really simple. Leave us alone. Give us more space. Let us try things. Don’t lecture so much. Don’t nag. It’s okay if we screw up. Only start lecturing and reeling us back in when we are doing really stupid things. Like really stupid.” He stated matter of factly. Like it was that simple.

“Okay, makes sense. Gotcha. But what happens when you are, I don’t know, doing a lot of really stupid things, a lot of the time? Then what? Then I will need to step in more and that is certain to piss you off. Which will probably make things tough between us and I will probably feel like yelling again out of frustration. So, how do I handle that situation?” I asked, kinda afraid (in a good way) of the answer because of his silver linings and insights.

“Well, yes, yep that will definitely annoy the heck out of me. I will probably be rude. Nope. Definitely will be rude. But that’s on me I guess. Just don’t yell. It won’t help. And I will just put my headphones on and not listen anyways. So I guess, the answer to all of this mom? The best way to not yell at teens? Just don’t do it. It’s useless.”

Again, stated as if it is that simple. But maybe it was that simple?

There is a whole lot of truth in his statements. I trusted him more. Gave him more space. More responsibility. I removed some rules and put in some boundaries and said when the boundaries are broken, the rules and my being more present return. Do we both still yell? Yes – we both still get moody and we are both still human!

But the interactions are way less intense, shorter and he genuinely apologizes after. It is progress as he says, and progress is the goal. I mean look where progress got us – to a conversation in the front seats of my uber cool minivan!

And, he is right. Yelling doesn’t work – kids literally don’t hear us when we yell. It achieves nothing. They tune us out and teens – they especially tune it out. And not only do they tune us out, they then get more pissed at us and put up a wall to tune us out even more the next time we yell or even talk.

There isn’t much upside to yelling. It kind of is that simple. Is it that easy to just not yell? No. But remembering that it doesn’t work is a simple, helpful tool.

There are a few other things I did that he doesn’t see…

When he really gets going and rudely starts up, I walk away and dis-engage after I state calmly and without emotion, “I want to talk to you and hear what you have to say, but I will not be spoken to that way.” (His feelings do matter, I don’t want to shut them out. I am not walking away from him or his feelings, just the disrespectful behavior. Which we always address later when we are both calm.)

When he is frustrated with me for whatever I did, even if that is just breathing, I state, “I am here if you want” and again, walk away and don’t wait for a reaction.

I do random acts of kindness for him to remind him I love him and positively build our connection during good times (like make him hot chocolate for when he is studying).

I joke around with him and get him to laugh with me and even at me. These moments are some of the best and have really strengthened our relationship.

When he rolls his eyes at my intentionally bad jokes or bad dancing or bad singing, they are his silent way of admitting he loves me 😉 Eye rolls aren’t always bad! I stopped focusing on the bad behaviors he was demonstrating and focused more on the good kiddo I know he is.

And, I remind myself that this is a hard time for both of us and that in a couple of years he is off to college and I want these years to be more positive than negative – and that means (amongst a lot of things) working hard to not yell, even when frustrated. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

10 Ways I Yell Less When Life Gets Extra Busy

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As we go into what I am sure will be an extra busy weekend for many – being the weekend before Christmas and the 1st night of Hanukkah – I thought I would share some of my top 10 tips for Not Yelling at your kids. I am gonna warn you though – the list might not be what you expect.

When I challenged myself to go an entire year without yelling at my kids (then ages 5 and under), my assumption was that I was going to learn how to “improve” my kids’ behavior, how to get them to listen better, respond faster, fight less, and all that stuff so that they gave me less reasons to yell.

Because you know they were the majority of the problem – or so I thought. I quickly learned, by tracking when and why I yelled, that while some of their behaviors were indeed triggers, a lot of these triggers came from me and own crap. The whole “It’s not you, it’s me” stuff. I quickly learned that while I was indeed triggered by their not listening, the yelling wasn’t because of the trigger – the yelling was because I wasn’t in a place to manage the trigger!

The real trigger was me.
My mood.
My problems.
My life.
My past.
Blech.

Don’t get me wrong. My kids’ behaviors could (is!) still be triggering, but in learning to not yell, I had to look at the whole picture and find solutions to all the triggers. And what I have really come to learn since my book came out and I was forced to reflect on what was next, is that what happens all the many moments before “the yelling trigger” are just as important as the exact moment you want to yell.

Just think about it. I hate using battle as an example but…no, I just can’t. I need to come up with something better.

Okay – pick any big moment.
Job interview.
Breaking up with someone.
Going to divorce court.
Meeting with a friend over a personal issue.

How well you handle that tough emotional moment depends on so many things – but how you go into it, how calm, confident, prepared makes a world of difference. Of course there is only so much one can do to control everything before the tough moment.

I mean knowing me – I can do everything I do to be mentally ready – and then do what I do best and slip on non-slippery pavement and fall into the smallest puddle ever and spill the one drop of coffee left on the one white polka dot on my shirt – and then become all frazzled and poof! Mental state begone BUT my mental state will still be way better than if I had done nothing to be in a good place.

So with that said…some of my top things to prepare for / handle yelling moments:

BEFORE the DESIRE to YELL – setting up for success 

  1. Identify what problems might arise and problem solve (for me – malls are hot and crowded and make me cranky so now I wear t-shirts. No joke. And I always leave the jacket in the car. Carrying it makes me even crankier.) Also, practice. What will you do? How will you respond? What will you say? Knowing is MORE than half the battle 😉
  2. Drink lots of water and eat balanced meals (Kids and parents, alike!) – I know, this is annoying to freakin’ read but it is relevant. I do not want to get into a nutritional debate. But, hanger is a real thing. Dehydration doesn’t help. I have learned as I have aged that Pizza and I? We had to break up. It was tragic. One of my worst breakups ever. Pizza truly made me cranky. I have also broken up with ice cream sundaes. And bagels with cream cheese. My world is a little less without these foods BUT the few moments of joy they brought me were increasingly LESS than the crankiness and bickering that came after.
  3. Exercise (parents and kids alike, again!) – Moving the body, works wonders, endorphins and all that good stuff. Plus if done together, connection and sometimes even problem solving because it is easier to share problems walking next to each other not staring into each other’s eyes 😉
  4. Do something relaxing / enjoyable for even just a few minutes – doesn’t matter what. When my kids come home every other weekend, it is super stressful. Really hard. I always try to sit and do something just for me for 5 or 10 minutes beforehand. It can be anything – think out of the box. What makes you happy? Just think about that. Think about a favorite memory. A future trip.
  5. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It truly is medicine. TRIGGER is totally STARTING to get to you.
  6. Find a baby picture – or a happy picture – remember your child is indeed a sweet, loving, innocent child. They aren’t trying to be bad. They are in need and don’t know how to better communicate. Happy pictures also release endorphins.
  7. Release it and “yell” productively and proactively – but say something totally and utterly different. OOGASCHMOOGABOOGA!!! This was an old one, but a favorite. It made us all laugh because it is ridiculous sounding and fun to say. If I opened my mouth to yell I would pause and then burst into that. Took practice – but getting out the yell productively, released that emotion. The intensity needs to get out – let it out or it will come out in other not so good ways! Also – yell into the freezer (cold air, works wonders), get your kids and run around outside yelling while playing tag or whatever (bonus – fresh air and exercise)
  8. Turn the lights down – two effects (1) makes kids stop because they are all what the heck just happened so not only have they stopped you have their attention and (2) it reduces sensory overload and induces a more relaxing environment oh and (3) forces a pause for everyone which gives you a chance to re-group mentally.
  9. And now a trick brought to you by my therapist. 5-4-3-2-1 senses. Notice 5 things you can see – 4 things you can hear – 3 things you can smell – 2 things you can touch – 1 thing you can taste. I apply the senses to any number but the point is all senses assigned to a number. This brings you into the present moment which again, allows you to re-group and respond instead of yell.
  10. Remind yourself: it isn’t an emergency. Yelling isn’t needed. Yelling won’t truly work – it won’t truly de-escalate the situation, it won’t motivate long-term, it won’t build a connection to prevent the same situation from happening again. Yelling will likely make things worse. Yelling really isn’t what you want to do. This tough moment will indeed pass AND You can get through it – and will get through it – without yelling because you, you my friend are a freakin’ Orange Rhino.

A strong, determined, peaceful and powerful person. So go head, respond – really, problem solve – that really annoying trigger without yelling – use a quiet voice because kids have to work harder to listen.

 xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Anxiety Before a Doctor’s Appointment: When Your Brain Makes the Day Harder

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Good morning. It is Thursday. Apparently. It is also December. Apparently. How either of these basic, expected facts are true I do not know. I swear yesterday was just Monday morning and the start to a long week and I swear yesterday was just my 1st day back as The Orange Rhino. I know it is cliche but where is the time going? I need it to slow down.

An update since many of you messaged me. Yesterday’s doctor’s appointment was good. Once I got there. Need to share the before I got there part. So here I was, already a nervous mess, sitting on the train. I decided to open the dr’s medical app to review notes / test results from the past year. Upon opening at 9:23 am, I see that it says “Appointment today at 9:15.” HOLY SH*T I start panicking and crying and thinking “how did I f this up…and I am not surprised I did…I f up lots of appointments lately” and blah blah blah and “now I have to wait another 6 months and this sucks” and more blah blah blah.

Went down the whole rabbit hole of self hatred. I called the office immediately and told them I had the appointment for 11 and that was the reminder I received.

Their response? “Oh yes, but you also had one at 9:15 and you have one at 9:45.” I informed them I was 5 min away from the train station and then would either have to (1) walk/attempt to run in the rain to the appt which would take 20 min at least or (2) fight with everyone for a cab in the rain.

She told me not to worry but to hurry.

So, here I am. Back pack on (I had brought stuff to do in case appt ran late). I check out the taxi line and realize that ain’t happening and I need to get away from the station first.

So I start running. As a mom who had four children. Who apparently needed to pee. If you know what I mean, you know what I mean.

So after running for a solid 6 seconds it was clear: I would NOT be running unless I wanted to have an accident. Swell.

So I walked as fast as I could and then luckily a cab literally pulled up by me (I say literally because it was so close it splashed me lol) and this lovely man jumped out and even held the door for me as I got in. He must have seen the panic in my eyes. I roll up as close to the appt as the driver can get and I start walking as fast as possible again. I arrive and go to the dr and start to check in.

Except I am on the wrong floor. Neurology has three floors in the building and I got mixed up (because I have been to all three!) Anywho, so here I am, just having hauled ass to arrive as fast as possible to be greeted by someone at check in who I clearly didn’t talk to on the phone earlier, because the greeting was: “Yes, lets check you in for your 11 appointment. You are totally on time. You just have two quick tests before your appointment and sometimes day of the app will add those tests as appointments for two hours earlier. You won’t actually do the tests for another 30 min or so. So have a seat.”

FOLKS. At this point, I am dripping in sweat. I was wearing a sweater and a lined rain coat because it was cold!!! Not exactly walk-as-fast-as-humanly-possible / work out type of clothes! I go to the bathroom and dry off using the super comfortable scratchy-aren’t-really-working hand towels and then sit and wait. All my stress just to wait. Ugh.

Silver lining? I made it and the appointment didn’t need to be re-scheduled and another one? I got extra exercise in. The tech called me back and I had my tests done which in layman’s terms test to see if part of my eye is thinning (it shouldn’t be). From what I could tell, the results were the same as May which were the same as February which all means good news.

The Dr. confirmed that she was no longer worried about Glaucoma / vision loss and felt that my thin nerves are my standard. They still need to be monitored every 6 months given other symptoms and test results but now she is more confident and doesn’t need to repeat any other tests or order more MRI’s. (Last February I needed a brain MRI and met with numerous other specialists to understand my vision issues. There was no visual explanation to the thinning or other symptoms which was concerning. I didn’t have a tumor in my brain or behind my eye. Thank goodness.)

This was and is obviously GREAT NEWS. My neuro exam, however, wasn’t completely normal and I need to do more testing. She feels confident that I am experiencing migraines that don’t present as a typical headache…and confident that one diagnosis that a specialist wanted to explore can still remain on the back burner. For now. I have anxiety so just knowing this one diagnosis is still floating out there and isn’t crossed off yet is hard BUT I have learned the following…

Worrying about it now, in this moment, doesn’t do me any good! It just doesn’t. So I am focusing on the fact that apparently it is December and that my favorite day of the year is 24 days away and I want to enjoy every day leading up to it. I am a walking Hallmark movie character – I absolutely love Christmas and all the magic and hope and joy that can come with it. Seriously, anyone know how to get me into a Hallmark movie so I can walk around an adorably decorated town with my hot chocolate in hand and my perfect winter outfit?

Kidding. Kind of. This month reminds me to be present more than others – to enjoy the season of giving, to all. So here is to giving – not just gifts, but also giving patience, comfort, support, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, open-mindedness, hope, laughter, and most importantly love. Love to others and love to ourselves.

Here’s to giving love. (And to good news and not peeing my pants on the way to my appointment!) Thank you all for being here

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why Singing Badly With My Teens Is Good for All of Us

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I may or may not have burst into my kids’ rooms this morning singing to “Keep the Beat” by Lin-Manuel Miranda. I say “may not have” because I am fairly certain my boys would say that I wasn’t singing because singing sounds good and apparently, I sounded beyond awful.

All seriousness – singing is so good for the soul and your nerves, no matter how bad you sound 🙂 So is laughter – my boys (even though they wouldn’t admit it but the twinkle in their eyes said otherwise) and I laughed together at my horrid singing and did I mention, dancing?!

My goofiness got us all off on the right foot this morning and created an environment that made yelling at morning annoyances way harder.

As for my teenagers – I gotta say. It’s hard to relate to them a lot but being goofy and making a fool of myself is turning out to be a great way to connect (Take note though: make sure to do so when they aren’t in a scale 10 bad mood. 1-9 and goofiness is generally accepted!)

“All I can do when the road bends is lean into the curve…All I can do when the tanks run dry is see what’s in the reserve…”

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Teenagers, Early Mornings and the Parenting Moments That Make Me Laugh

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Happy Saturday! Is there anything better than waking up at 6am to wake up 2 teenagers to catch a bus to a cross country race?! After the first week of school? I sure don’t think so. I mean for real.

My boys were as sweet as one year olds when you first walk into their room in the morning and they stand up in their crib and start jumping in excitement to see you.

And then their face brightens as their smile spreads from ear to ear and you can just feel the love. Yes. That is EXACTLY how my teenagers greeted me this fine morning. Lol. I still told them I loved them though 😉 and YES that also seemed to agitate them. Hahaha. Love my teenagers. 

Have a great Saturday everyone – remember, you are loved by your kiddos even if you don’t feel it, even if they don’t show it and ESPECIALLY even if you feel like you aren’t nailing this parenting thing.

Showing up and saying I love you and trying your hardest counts more than you give it credit. 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino