Tag Archives: Self-Doubt

The Friend Who Made Me Feel Seen When I Needed It Most

Posted on by
Reply

Dear The Hands Free Revolution,

I have known you since the beginning of my journey as The Orange Rhino. I will never forget our phone call – when we actually talked live, as friends do, and I felt seen and understood. You knew what it felt like to be an author; to have a book come out and all the complex emotions that came with it. I was able to be me with you – to share my real feelings, my truths.

Talking to you was a gift. No different than reading your words. This morning, instead of writing first thing, I decided to read your new book, “Soul Shift” and now I am in tears and had to put your book down and write. So here I am.

Recently, I ordered loads of orange clothes for myself. I did it to inspire me, encourage me, force me even, to keep going. To keep writing. To keep reaching towards my goal of showing up as The Orange Rhino. My mental plan: if I have the orange clothes, then I need to wear them. There is no escaping them. No quitting. All the purchases were a bold move, a wee bit impulsive even. Or were they?

I have been overwhelmed with self-doubt lately. Okay, let’s be honest. Who am I kidding. I have been full of self-doubt most of my life. It is kinda how I roll. Not really fond of that. The one time I wasn’t? Probably at the peak of The Orange Rhino before I took my personal hiatus; I was full of joy then.

And I haven’t just been overwhelmed with self-doubt.

I have been overwhelmed with fear of failure.
I have been overwhelmed with pleasing people.
I have been overwhelmed with feeling lost.
I have been overwhelmed with should’ves, could’ves, would’ves…didn’ts.

All of this has kept me from going after goals and dreams I have, as a person, a mom, a friend, a partner and as The Orange Rhino.

So these orange clothes?

They were my first step towards fighting self-doubt and all the other overwhelmed feelings I have going on.

They were my first step towards reclaiming an ounce of my lost confidence.

They were my first step towards getting the ball fully rolling again.

They were my first step towards reclaiming part of the person I was before I stopped writing.

Impulsive? Yes.

Thought about for months on end and wished for ?

Also Yes.

So maybe not so impulsive after all.

Yesterday, as I went through all the packages, I came to one that clearly was not clothes. I didn’t recognize the return address and was all “huh?!” I assumed it was yet another random thing I ordered from Amazon, but alas, couldn’t be farther from the truth. It was WAY better.

It was YOUR new book! What an amazing, pleasant, and PERFECT surprise. And a sign. And a gift. And can we just say, is it not ironic that a book with a cover that says “Soul Shift: The Weary Woman’s Guide to Getting Unstuck & Reclaiming Your Path to Joy” was amidst all of my orange clothes, that were basically trying to do the same?!

I am on page 60. I had to put it down because of, well, the tears. Every. Single. Page. Speaks. To. Me. Directly. Not just me, but my heart. It hurts reading it because the pain you acknowledge I connect with, and yet, the hurt is a good hurt because it feels freeing to be seen and understood.

And, most importantly, I feel your nurturing love popping through the pages and I find comfort knowing that you are leading me down the path that I need literally, right now. The hurt is not overwhelming because you write in the most gentle way, which suffice to say, isn’t easy given the topics at hand. Self-worth. Not an easy topic. My self-worth is low. I could win limbo, low. Too low actually. I would drop to the ground, and lose low, now that I think of it.

Again, tears. Prompted by your beautiful book. But I am okay with that. I embrace it actually. I need to, and am ready to, make this journey. I have already started, but I have started it alone so I have stopped and started.

I am so grateful to have your book and you as an inspirational and loving Guide as I continue my way. I see so many of my thoughts in here – the difference though, is you have made it through already.

So much hope I have today. So. Much. Hope. You know what got me to put the book down, what moved me to write to you? The story and exercise about what you are, and what you are not, what roles have been assigned to you and which roles fulfill you.

I have been struggling with this so very much…

Feeling like I have to be what I am not in order to exist.

Feeling like I have to act a certain way in order to be accepted.

Feeling like I have to offer certain credentials to be respected.

Your book has opened my eyes and heart to releasing roles that no longer fulfill me or serve me. Such a gift. And again, I am just on page 60. I can not wait to read the rest. Thank you for this beautiful surprise gift, All my love and congrats and please send tissues, 

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

The Life Lesson My Son Taught Me on the Drive Home From Drum Lessons

Posted on by
Reply

My 11 year old just told me a life lesson that I didn’t fully grasp until at least 30…if that. Last drum lesson he left uber frustrated because he wasn’t playing well.

So frustrated in fact that he wanted to quit and just give up drums altogether. Going to today’s lesson took a lot of reassuring and supporting from me and honestly, a lot of courage and strength from him. He showed up and almost didn’t make it in – but he did!

So proud. But truly the best was the car ride home…

“Mom, I just realized that my brain is why I make mistakes.

I mean yes I make mistakes because I make mistakes but so much of that is because of what my brain is saying to me!

When I tell myself I can’t do the beat and I can’t hold the drumsticks right then I make more mistakes!

My brain is so important! It’s the most important! My thoughts are so important to my ability to play drums…or basketball…or anything!”

Yes, my sweet boy. Yes. Breakthrough tonight! We both needed it big time.

So happy for him. Oh…and irony that the song he was learning tonight was “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty. Irony? I think not.

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Disappeared From The Orange Rhino

Posted on by
Reply

A little more about why I disappeared from The Orange Rhino…as you read this vulnerable, unedited, quickly written story, please remember…You all know that I am brutally honest with you – about my ups, my downs, the in-betweens and that I share my stories and random thoughts in hopes of inspiring you, making you feel less alone, and helping you on your own journey to stop yelling. I do not do it for pity/attention/or to make you think terribly about me 🙂 Story below will clarify why this statement is here. Anywho, onward…

* * * When I started The Orange Rhino, my confidence in sharing everything was fine. I felt okay doing that. I knew it helped others not feel alone.

Then my book came out and some not nice things were said about me / my struggles and that confidence took a hit. Big time. I think one of the things I read somewhere was, “Wow, she is really screwed up.” Another one, “she’s just a mom, no degree.” (That comment needs a whole post dedicated to it. Is there really such a thing as “just a mom?” Um….no!)

Numerous people (who didn’t even read my book) jumped on the yelling less bandwagon and backhandedly bashed me for not being able to completely stop yelling and how ridiculous my goal was in the first place (to go an entire year.) People made judgments about me without fully knowing my story, my insights, my conclusions. I had been completely vulnerable – and okay doing so – and then I got shamed/slammed/insulted for being so.

I am proudly an Orange Rhino – a parent who when provoked, calmly charges forward with confidence and warmth and not harsh words – but I don’t have the thick skin of a Rhino. The personal attacks were very hard to receive. That is an understatement. Some days I cried. There is one that I don’t share that still bothers me – how many years later? Words hurt, folks. Period.

I know that big picture, I could ignore these words. They were “just words” and I knew my truths. But, the words hurt so much that it made it hard to access that mature part of my mind, the confident part of my mind, the determined go get ’em Orange Rhino part of my mind (as my mom calls it.) I would cry to my mom and she would say, “What would The Orange Rhino do? What would she say?” I couldn’t even access it. I didn’t want to.

I went from being excited to be The Orange Rhino to not wanting anything to do with it.

The Orange Rhino went from a positive place for me to a negative one. What didn’t help was that there were several other difficult things going on in my life so I didn’t have the energy to challenge myself to think like The Orange Rhino.

So all the negative comments I read, they just kept churning in my mind. They became imprinted. I never fully processed them or accepted them so that I could put them behind me. I have tried over the last six months or so to process the comments because I was tired of them renting space in my head and because I wanted to somehow find my way back to being The Orange Rhino. I made progress, because, well, here I am.

But here’s the thing…those comments? They weren’t verbal. They were posted on the ever-loving-Internet forever to be seen, forever to be accidentally stumbled upon in a google search. I can’t escape them. Which brings me to yesterday. I have been trying to do some Orange Rhino stuff and it is hard for me, because again, can’t escape the comments.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon one of the comments, the most hurtful one. Immediately, negative thoughts raced through my head:

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Maybe those people were right?
Maybe they are better than me?
Maybe I don’t have anything to offer?
(Insert insecure comment here: you might be thinking, for real, this is her response to some negative comments? The answer is yes, being publicly shamed for being brave and being you, sucks.)

I felt my body shrinking at the computer. I suddenly felt tired. I wanted to just stop and give up and walk away. Fortunately, I needed to do just that because my kids needed to be picked up 🙂 I got into my totally awesome minivan, and the radio came on.

And I kid you not, the lyrics that belted through the radio?

“I’m unstoppable…
I’m invincible…
I’m so powerful…
I’m so confident…
Yeah, I’m unstoppable today…
Unstoppable today
I’m unstoppable today
Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You’ll never see what’s hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah I know,
I’ve heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I’m too afraid now
Yeah, yeah I put my armor on,
show you how strong I am
I put my armor on,
I’ll show you that I am I’m unstoppable”
Song: Unstoppable by Sia

I mean, for real?!

This song came on and started at the precise moment when “I’m Unstoppable” was first heard? I never read the lyrics until this morning. And holy shit. Did they hit hard.

So here I am. Afraid to share, but armor on. I will keep trying to charge forward with confidence and be strong and share – because I want to. I truly want to. I will have ups and downs. That is life.

But I’m Unstoppable. I won’t let negative comments take me down. (Okay, I don’t totally believe that. But it came off of my fingertips so clearly my mind WANTS to believe that.

So I will try to. Perhaps you can too? I’m Unstoppable. So are you. You want to stop yelling at your kids? I believe you can. I believe it is possible. I know it is possible. You are Unstoppable. (Apparently fighting amongst siblings who are now awake is also Unstoppable so off I go…no editing, just hitting Post because otherwise, I never will.)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Stopped Holding Back and Started Writing Honestly Again

Posted on by
Reply

Ok. Raw post coming up. Well, coming now.

A few weeks ago Bounceback Parenting unprompted, made this beautiful video review of my book. Her words brought me to tears because she said how she loved how real and raw I was. I hadn’t been feeling very real and raw with you all (real yes, raw, no) because I had been holding back. I had full intentions of coming on here a few days after her post and writing a very real and raw post about where I went for seven years.

Clearly that didn’t happen…YET. It is coming. The truth is though – the story is a wee bit stuck inside. I sat down this morning to start writing it because I really want to fully share it because some of the questions you all asked this week are hard to honestly and authentically answer without my 7 year story.

Instead of writing I started a timeline of the last 10 years. The minute I got to 2015 (a few months after my book published) I found my fingers slowing down. The thoughts getting stuck. Except for one. I share that thought with you today (after this paragraph) as you go into the weekend so that perhaps you can act on it. The rest of the story will be coming because I NEED to get it out of me. It is just not helping my mood being stuck inside.

So, the one thought that is clear as day and doesn’t hesitate to come off of my fingertips? One of the biggest reasons The Orange Rhino blog and FB took a break was… FEAR.

I let fear win for a long ass time. I don’t regret a lot in my life, but this, this I do. This I really do. Don’t let fear win this weekend. BUT if you do…know it isn’t the end of the world.

Do I regret letting this page go for 7 years? You sure as hell bet I do.

BUT I am choosing to believe that even though fear won, and I regret that, maybe the break was needed and maybe, just maybe, coming back now was the actual plan. That re-starting in 2022 was the bigger picture. Is this true, I don’t know. But I do know that staying in the world of regret does me no good.

So whenever my brain starts to feel upset that I essentially walked away, whenever my brain starts to think what could have been, I let myself feel that (I don’t believe in ignoring feelings) and then I go to the, it’s okay. Maybe this is the time Orange Rhino was supposed to come back.

Showing up here can be hard. That FEAR is like a fifth little bird on my orange rhino back.

But I am not going to feed it. Those birds by the way symbolize my 4 boys. In the real world, they are called oxpeckers – they remove the ticks from the rhino skin which feeds the birds (so rhino helps the birds) and which helps the rhino stay healthy.

So the birds and rhino help each other / feed each other. Those 4 birds that represent my sons can stay. That fifth one – FEAR – I refuse to feed. I know sometimes I might feed it a little, but not enough that he wants to come back. At least that is my plan.

So this weekend, try not to let FEAR win. Tell yourself you got this. Show up to that tough moment. And charge forward with confidence. And if you don’t have the confidence, fake it. Thank you all so much for being here and for coming back after all these years. xoxo

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino