I had been less than pleased with my yelling frequency lately so I had been pushing myself to figure out what was triggering me so much that I was unable to do what I know I needed to do (and could do) to stay calm in the tough moments.

I knew it wasn’t just because the kids weren’t listening (I mean sure, that is a trigger and is way annoying, but I knew it wasn’t just that.)

I knew it wasn’t because I was physically tired (I actually sleep now; game changer by the way.)

I knew it wasn’t because I wasn’t exercising or eating crappy foods. (I actually exercise now and eat crappy foods…less J)

I knew it wasn’t because of more obvious, “simple” and easy to manage triggers because I was struggling more than usual to keep it together.

I kept asking myself, “but why, why, why?” to dig deeper but all my digging led me to…nothing. No real, deeper answer. This gnawed and gnawed away at me, which for the record, didn’t help with the whole yelling less bit! My not knowing was a complete distraction (trigger); my not knowing made me personally cranky (trigger); and my not knowing made me mentally exhausted (trigger) because my brain was working over time looking for an answer.

Yeah, figuring out triggers can be a real pain the arse. But one beautiful fall day, it all became clear. (Cheezy, I know. But, the cheeziness is important. Stay with me.) I was out walking my puppy on a perfect fall day. The air was crisp. The leaves crunched beneath my feet. The sun shone brightly. There was not a car on the road; not a person walking near by jabbering. It was quiet. It was relaxing. It was peaceful.

I was just walking along, talking to no one, not listening to music, not doing a mental to-do list, when out of nowhere, clarity hit. (I read recently that boredom is important for the brain because it allows the mind to wander and be creative and problem solve – or something like that. I guess the article was right because my bored, at peace, brain problem solved the heck out of what my real big trigger was!)

I hadn’t set out on the walk intent to figure out this darn trigger. I just set out to get some steps in, some relaxation in (to prepare me to not yell when the kids barged in the door hours later), and some puppy potty-training in. So, it shocked the heck out of me when, bam, out of nowhere, my big trigger, that has been subconsciously bothering me for months, popped into my head, clear as the blue sky.

And that’s when my peaceful day turned dark.

When I realized what was really driving my yelling, the tears didn’t just fall. They poured. I got our puppy into the house (because god forbid any of my neighbors see me in my state!) and sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands and bawled.

And bawled.

And bawled.

I pounded the table with my fists a few times too.

I asked why to the air, as if I would get an answer.

I shook.

I sobbed.

And then…and then…I finally breathed.

After all of my sobbing, I found myself exhaling.

My grey day turned peaceful again, and I felt like I had just taken a deep breath of that fresh, crisp, fall air that had only minutes ago made me feel so relaxed.

It wasn’t because I literally took a deep breath (you all know I hate taking actually deep breaths to relax!) it was because it physically felt so freakin’ good letting go and releasing so much built up pain, sadness and anger. Of course, my anger and pain didn’t go away, but the stress of holding it all in, did. I actually felt a sense of relief because I finally had crystal clear awareness of one of the big triggers that had been causing me to yell.

Yelling more than one likes, sucks.
Trying to figure out why one is yelling can also suck.
It isn’t always instant.
It isn’t always pretty.
It isn’t always the answer you want.
And, there isn’t always an easy way to manage the trigger.
But it always, always, is ultimately for the better.

Figuring out my big trigger took months. It took persistently, yet patiently, pushing myself really hard to look at my actions and challenge myself to figure out what the heck was going on with me, because I knew it was an instance of “it’s not you, it’s me.” The answer wasn’t pretty. My big trigger? I am a lot angrier about some things in my life than I thought. Like real, true, anger.  I didn’t expect the answer. I certainly didn’t want it; I don’t want to be an angry person! And the things I am angry about? I can’t change them, I can only change how I accept them and that means a lot of personal work, and ugh, who wants to add that to the to-do list?

But, knowing that I finally have a source of why I am struggling so much gives me hope that I can now more easily get back to a place of yelling less because I know what I am dealing with.

And that, that is way better for myself and for my boys.

(I know I continue to be vague about some stuff; but I need to be so thank you for understanding! )

My alarm went off this morning and so I promptly…rolled over and went back to sleep because, isn’t that what one does when an alarm goes off?!

It went off again, but this time my phone said “It is 6:35” and my phone read, “Get out of Bed!”

I still was in no mood to entirely listen to my alarm or the self-help message I programmed it to read, but I did wake up enough to start thinking about my daily to-do’s. This morning, at the top of the list was “WRITE.” “Perfect,” I thought. “I can brainstorm ideas of what I might want to write about and not actually have to get out of bed. Sweet!”

Different ideas came and went. One idea that stuck the most revolved around the number eight. I spell eight because I can’t type the darn number. Apparently, that number key is broken on my keyboard. I learned this the hard way last night when I was desperately trying to log into a website. The broken key got me thinking about life (don’t ask) but I didn’t feel like it would lead me to a full post or any real insight, so I mentally crossed that idea off and went back to brainstorming.

Thirty minutes or so later, without any nugget of inspiration to get me going, I sat down to write and hoped something would just magically come out. I started one idea but stopped and decided to try another so I did what I normally do between ideas – type an asterisk. Which brings us to now.

The darn asterisk key doesn’t work either. Why you ask? Because it turns out the asterisk and the eight are on the same key! And so here I am, the broken number eight on my mind, again, and still no other real inspirations. Kind of ironic if you ask me. Maybe I am supposed to explore the number eight story after all. I am taking it as a sign that I am because I just need to write something, anything and I gotta start somewhere!

Last night I was working on plans for an upcoming trip to Disneyworld. I needed to put my password into the Disney site to change some hotel reservations. Kind of important since the cancellation period was days away! I typed the password over and over and over again and it kept telling me that I didn’t know my password. And I kept telling it over and over again that it was wrong (and probably used some other words too.) I desperately needed to get into the site but I didn’t want to go and change my password because it would be a pain in the ass; the last thing I needed was yet another stinkin’ password to remember! By the way, I would not have normally spelled ass out but again, no asterisk button for those darn s’s.

Any who, I knew I had the right password and I refused to change it.  Instead, I stopped trying so hard to remember the password and sat patiently, trying to think of anything else besides the password.  And voila, it donned on me – maybe the password wasn’t wrong, maybe a key was broken. So I went into word, tried typing the password to see what key wasn’t working and learned it was the now infamous eight. I then desperately went through a twelve-page document I had recently typed to look for a number eight so that I could copy and paste it in for my password. And wouldn’t you know – I magically got into my personal world of Disney.

I chuckled and thought to myself,

“This broken key is like life…YOUR life. When things were off and feeling wrong and things just weren’t working as you wanted, and you didn’t know what was causing things to be ‘broken’ you just needed to take a break, step away, stop trying so hard in that moment, and be well, patient. And when you did…things became clear.”

Last month (and last week and yesterday and last hour, but whatever) I felt like I was slipping too frequently into the “overly-frustrated” with my kids zone. So, I followed my own advice about identifying big triggers and asked myself loads of questions.

“What is going on?”
“Why are you so short-tempered?”
“Are you sleeping enough?”
“Are your expectations too much?”
“Is it you or is it them?”
“Why can’t you find the self control you want?”

“Why? Why? Why?”

At the time, the questions got me nowhere and I hated it. My mind kept saying, “You must know, you must know” and I kept replying, “But I don’t know, I don’t know.” Oh, I hated feeling crappy about myself and my yelling and I just wanted an answer, immediately. I am a problem solver and I like things fixed, fast. I am not very patient (just ask my mother!) I like to stay with a problem until it is solved…and when it involves my feelings, I want them to be solved and be better stat!

Unfortunately, that is not how life works and it certainly isn’t how figuring out big triggers works. Big triggers are not solved overnight. Sometimes not even in a month. Or a few. Or in my case, as I finally did figure out my “big trigger,” well, more than a year.

But how did I figure out that big trigger?
How did I figure out why I felt “broken” and was taking it out on my kids?
I did what I did with the broken key.

I didn’t give up. I remained determined. And…

I took a break.
I stepped away.
I stopped trying so hard.
I allowed myself to be patient with the process.
(And I kind of allowed myself to be patient with myself during the process.)

This seems like a simple story (hence I guess why I dismissed it at first) but apparently, I needed the reminder about the importance of stepping back, slowing down and being patient with life, with myself…with figuring out my life, myself.

I want answers right now to a lot of things. I want answers right now because I want to be in a better place. For myself, my boys, for others. But there is no magic eight ball to give me the answers instantly as to how to resolve the unknown. Just a broken eight key to remind me to be patient with the process, and myself.

How it all started back in 2012!

When I started the challenge in January 2012, I set up some guidelines to keep me motivated and on track. Um, my mom told me they were a little over the top, and I ignored her but I know many of you feel the same! So here’s the thing. These Challenge Details worked for ME. Read them, take them in, embrace them or adjust them. Some people go for the whole 365 days straight, some go for 30 days, some for a week. Set details that work for you! And remember at the end of the day, it really is all about Yelling Less and Loving More™!

The Orange Rhino’s® Original Challenge Details:
No Yelling for 365 days straight. If I yell, I am back to Day 0. If I use a Raging Scream, then I am set back to -2 days. The “firm voice” and “oopsie snap” are permitted as is yelling in emergencies. More below…

Exactly what does “No Yelling” mean? Can I raise my voice? What if I accidentally snap, does that count as yelling? What about in case of emergencies? Clearly, some clarity is needed around my definition of yelling. So I crafted my own personal “Yelling Meter” (see below) and set the following rules for myself:

1. My voice has to remain in Levels 0-4 (the nice tone voices!)
2. In case of Emergency (kid running off in parking lot, kid running into street, hot stove etc…) I can use a voice in level 6 but it has to be yelling “to” the kid not “at” the kid. When you yell at someone, it’s mean. When you yell “to” someone it’s to get their attention. Said voice MUST be followed by firm voice in level 3 or below otherwise it’s no good.
3. This one is the kicker. If Level 7 is ever used, I am set back not to 0, but by two days. This level is unacceptable as it is extra demeaning and hurtful….

0 – The everyday voice. The “life is good,” I just love being a mom and having these little conversations voice. Serenity and happiness ooze out with every word. Signs: you think to yourself, wow, this is a nice moment, I think I’ll cherish it and you’re filled with hope that the day is gonna be a good one.

1 – The whisper. The quiet, almost non-audible voice that our pre-school teacher uses that somehow gets attention, respect and follow through. Signs: you can barely hear it and it works like magic.

2 – The re-direct voice. It’s a clear, loving and patient voice that does not show irritation for the situation at hand but instead gently expresses that you don’t like a behavior, why, and offers a new activity. Sign: When you use it you pat yourself on the back for successfully following advice from a parenting magazine, for once.

3 – The firm voice (potentially raised). This is the I am starting-to-mean business voice accompanied with occasional raised eye brows and introduction of idle threats. Signs:  you are still calm and there are no hurt feelings, but you’re wondering when (not if) you’re gonna snap and you are growing impatient, quickly. 

4 – The “oopsie” snap. Stop! Alright! Ouch! This snap is starting to get nasty, but hasn’t gotten there yet. It isn’t a long tirade, it’s just a quick sharp voice where you stop yourself…it’s just enough to make the kids stop what they are doing for a second and think whether or not they will continue annoying behavior. Signs: blood pressure is picking up a little, but you are back to calm quickly and think “oh sh*t I really didn’t mean to do that.”

5 – The nasty snap. Darnit! Knock it off!  Cut it out! This snap might be short, but it’s filled with venom. Signs: blood is starting to boil inside; vocal chords are warming up, preparing for a long tirade; you think to yourself “oh sh*t” was that a nasty snap? If you think it, it was.

6 – The yell.  It’s loud. You know it’s loud. And it’s mean. You simply know you’ve crossed the line, there is no question. Signs: kids tears are a pretty good indicator, as are doors slamming, kids screaming back at you that you’re mean and they don’t love you any more.

7 – The raging scream. A notch up from “the yell.” It’s totally intentional and is filled with much more nastiness, hurtfulness and hysteria – on both sides. Signs: body shaking, often hard to stop doing it; results in feelings of massive guilt and shame in the screamer (at least for me) and definite feelings of shame, sadness, and fear in the kiddos; throat throbs afterwards.

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I know there are a lot of levels here. But given my much, much too much in-house market research on what it means to yell, I concluded it was necessary to break it all out. Lets hope I never have to refer to this page again…if I do that definitely means I screwed up. Rule of thumb: if I question my tone, it means it wasn’t a nice tone and therefore it is not acceptable.

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