I had been less than pleased with my yelling frequency lately so I had been pushing myself to figure out what was triggering me so much that I was unable to do what I know I needed to do (and could do) to stay calm in the tough moments.

I knew it wasn’t just because the kids weren’t listening (I mean sure, that is a trigger and is way annoying, but I knew it wasn’t just that.)

I knew it wasn’t because I was physically tired (I actually sleep now; game changer by the way.)

I knew it wasn’t because I wasn’t exercising or eating crappy foods. (I actually exercise now and eat crappy foods…less J)

I knew it wasn’t because of more obvious, “simple” and easy to manage triggers because I was struggling more than usual to keep it together.

I kept asking myself, “but why, why, why?” to dig deeper but all my digging led me to…nothing. No real, deeper answer. This gnawed and gnawed away at me, which for the record, didn’t help with the whole yelling less bit! My not knowing was a complete distraction (trigger); my not knowing made me personally cranky (trigger); and my not knowing made me mentally exhausted (trigger) because my brain was working over time looking for an answer.

Yeah, figuring out triggers can be a real pain the arse. But one beautiful fall day, it all became clear. (Cheezy, I know. But, the cheeziness is important. Stay with me.) I was out walking my puppy on a perfect fall day. The air was crisp. The leaves crunched beneath my feet. The sun shone brightly. There was not a car on the road; not a person walking near by jabbering. It was quiet. It was relaxing. It was peaceful.

I was just walking along, talking to no one, not listening to music, not doing a mental to-do list, when out of nowhere, clarity hit. (I read recently that boredom is important for the brain because it allows the mind to wander and be creative and problem solve – or something like that. I guess the article was right because my bored, at peace, brain problem solved the heck out of what my real big trigger was!)

I hadn’t set out on the walk intent to figure out this darn trigger. I just set out to get some steps in, some relaxation in (to prepare me to not yell when the kids barged in the door hours later), and some puppy potty-training in. So, it shocked the heck out of me when, bam, out of nowhere, my big trigger, that has been subconsciously bothering me for months, popped into my head, clear as the blue sky.

And that’s when my peaceful day turned dark.

When I realized what was really driving my yelling, the tears didn’t just fall. They poured. I got our puppy into the house (because god forbid any of my neighbors see me in my state!) and sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands and bawled.

And bawled.

And bawled.

I pounded the table with my fists a few times too.

I asked why to the air, as if I would get an answer.

I shook.

I sobbed.

And then…and then…I finally breathed.

After all of my sobbing, I found myself exhaling.

My grey day turned peaceful again, and I felt like I had just taken a deep breath of that fresh, crisp, fall air that had only minutes ago made me feel so relaxed.

It wasn’t because I literally took a deep breath (you all know I hate taking actually deep breaths to relax!) it was because it physically felt so freakin’ good letting go and releasing so much built up pain, sadness and anger. Of course, my anger and pain didn’t go away, but the stress of holding it all in, did. I actually felt a sense of relief because I finally had crystal clear awareness of one of the big triggers that had been causing me to yell.

Yelling more than one likes, sucks.
Trying to figure out why one is yelling can also suck.
It isn’t always instant.
It isn’t always pretty.
It isn’t always the answer you want.
And, there isn’t always an easy way to manage the trigger.
But it always, always, is ultimately for the better.

Figuring out my big trigger took months. It took persistently, yet patiently, pushing myself really hard to look at my actions and challenge myself to figure out what the heck was going on with me, because I knew it was an instance of “it’s not you, it’s me.” The answer wasn’t pretty. My big trigger? I am a lot angrier about some things in my life than I thought. Like real, true, anger.  I didn’t expect the answer. I certainly didn’t want it; I don’t want to be an angry person! And the things I am angry about? I can’t change them, I can only change how I accept them and that means a lot of personal work, and ugh, who wants to add that to the to-do list?

But, knowing that I finally have a source of why I am struggling so much gives me hope that I can now more easily get back to a place of yelling less because I know what I am dealing with.

And that, that is way better for myself and for my boys.

 

(I know I continue to be vague about some stuff; but I need to be so thank you for understanding! )

My alarm went off this morning and so I promptly…rolled over and went back to sleep because, isn’t that what one does when an alarm goes off?!

It went off again, but this time my phone said “It is 6:35” and my phone read, “Get out of Bed!”

I still was in no mood to entirely listen to my alarm or the self-help message I programmed it to read, but I did wake up enough to start thinking about my daily to-do’s. This morning, at the top of the list was “WRITE.” “Perfect,” I thought. “I can brainstorm ideas of what I might want to write about and not actually have to get out of bed. Sweet!”

Different ideas came and went. One idea that stuck the most revolved around the number eight. I spell eight because I can’t type the darn number. Apparently, that number key is broken on my keyboard. I learned this the hard way last night when I was desperately trying to log into a website. The broken key got me thinking about life (don’t ask) but I didn’t feel like it would lead me to a full post or any real insight, so I mentally crossed that idea off and went back to brainstorming.

Thirty minutes or so later, without any nugget of inspiration to get me going, I sat down to write and hoped something would just magically come out. I started one idea but stopped and decided to try another so I did what I normally do between ideas – type an asterisk. Which brings us to now.

The darn asterisk key doesn’t work either. Why you ask? Because it turns out the asterisk and the eight are on the same key! And so here I am, the broken number eight on my mind, again, and still no other real inspirations. Kind of ironic if you ask me. Maybe I am supposed to explore the number eight story after all. I am taking it as a sign that I am because I just need to write something, anything and I gotta start somewhere!

Last night I was working on plans for an upcoming trip to Disneyworld. I needed to put my password into the Disney site to change some hotel reservations. Kind of important since the cancellation period was days away! I typed the password over and over and over again and it kept telling me that I didn’t know my password. And I kept telling it over and over again that it was wrong (and probably used some other words too.) I desperately needed to get into the site but I didn’t want to go and change my password because it would be a pain in the ass; the last thing I needed was yet another stinkin’ password to remember! By the way, I would not have normally spelled ass out but again, no asterisk button for those darn s’s.

Any who, I knew I had the right password and I refused to change it.  Instead, I stopped trying so hard to remember the password and sat patiently, trying to think of anything else besides the password.  And voila, it donned on me – maybe the password wasn’t wrong, maybe a key was broken. So I went into word, tried typing the password to see what key wasn’t working and learned it was the now infamous eight. I then desperately went through a twelve-page document I had recently typed to look for a number eight so that I could copy and paste it in for my password. And wouldn’t you know – I magically got into my personal world of Disney.

I chuckled and thought to myself,

“This broken key is like life…YOUR life. When things were off and feeling wrong and things just weren’t working as you wanted, and you didn’t know what was causing things to be ‘broken’ you just needed to take a break, step away, stop trying so hard in that moment, and be well, patient. And when you did…things became clear.”

Last month (and last week and yesterday and last hour, but whatever) I felt like I was slipping too frequently into the “overly-frustrated” with my kids zone. So, I followed my own advice about identifying big triggers and asked myself loads of questions.

“What is going on?”
“Why are you so short-tempered?”
“Are you sleeping enough?”
“Are your expectations too much?”
“Is it you or is it them?”
“Why can’t you find the self control you want?”

“Why? Why? Why?”

At the time, the questions got me nowhere and I hated it. My mind kept saying, “You must know, you must know” and I kept replying, “But I don’t know, I don’t know.” Oh, I hated feeling crappy about myself and my yelling and I just wanted an answer, immediately. I am a problem solver and I like things fixed, fast. I am not very patient (just ask my mother!) I like to stay with a problem until it is solved…and when it involves my feelings, I want them to be solved and be better stat!

Unfortunately, that is not how life works and it certainly isn’t how figuring out big triggers works. Big triggers are not solved overnight. Sometimes not even in a month. Or a few. Or in my case, as I finally did figure out my “big trigger,” well, more than a year.

But how did I figure out that big trigger?
How did I figure out why I felt “broken” and was taking it out on my kids?
I did what I did with the broken key.

I didn’t give up. I remained determined. And…

I took a break.
I stepped away.
I stopped trying so hard.
I allowed myself to be patient with the process.
(And I kind of allowed myself to be patient with myself during the process.)

This seems like a simple story (hence I guess why I dismissed it at first) but apparently, I needed the reminder about the importance of stepping back, slowing down and being patient with life, with myself…with figuring out my life, myself.

I want answers right now to a lot of things. I want answers right now because I want to be in a better place. For myself, my boys, for others. But there is no magic eight ball to give me the answers instantly as to how to resolve the unknown. Just a broken eight key to remind me to be patient with the process, and myself.

As you all know, this past summer I found myself yelling at my kids way more than I liked and as a result, I found myself re-reading my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” (I also found myself feeling embarrassed, but more on that later!)

And you all also know that as a result of following the 30-day plan in my book, it became abundantly clear to me that the reason I was yelling so much was because I wasn’t taking care of me. At all. I shared with you all that once I did start taking care of myself again, that I became an Orange Rhino, again. This was a totally true statement. But there was a big piece I didn’t share; the whole “how I really started taking care of me” bit. I just didn’t feel brave enough to share that truth; it was too raw, too brutally honest, too potentially damaging, too well, lots of things. But I have decided that it is too powerful of a truth to not share, so here goes.

* * * * *

One day this past summer as I tracked my triggers and tried to figure out why the heck I was yelling so much, I found myself aimlessly surfing the Internet (no doubt trying to self-soothe my frustrations by getting lost in the world of celebrity gossip and hysterical e-cards.) While surfing, I stumbled upon a quote that struck a nerve and made me really think. Like, really, REALLY think. The quote more or less read,

“We give to others what we feel within.”
Repeat.
“We give to others what we feel within.”

YES! YES! YES! Finally all my struggling to Yell Less and Love More made sense! Maybe, just maybe, the reason I was yelling so much was because I didn’t feel love within so therefore I couldn’t give it to my boys?

“Could that really be true?” I thought to myself. “Did I really have no love within?”

Based on the pit in my stomach, I knew that I had found the truth I sought; I knew that there wasn’t enough love within me. Or more appropriately, I knew that I had love for my kiddos and my life, but that the love I had for myself was so lacking that it was overpowering all the positive feelings within me.

And more painfully, I knew that because I didn’t have much love within to share, I was instead giving out what I did have within: an abundance of anger, frustration, shame, disappointment, concern, and strong dislike.

Fortunately I didn’t have to look hard to figure out where all these intense not-so-loving feelings were coming from. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was (am!) the author of a book about not yelling, a book with alternatives to yelling, simple steps to follow to yell less, and stories to inspire and yet here I was spending my summer not doing any of what I knew to do to keep yelling at bay and being anything but inspirational. Yep, here I was a mere seven months after my book published and I had to turn to it for advice. This reality was crushing me. Crushing me. I couldn’t stop saying things to myself like,

“What is wrong with you, why can’t you just get it together?”
“I feel like such an imposter, writing one thing and doing another.”
“I am so disappointed in myself and I bet people will be disappointed in me.”
“I am so ashamed of myself; I am so angry that I have slipped.”

Nor could I stop saying not-so-nice things to myself about other aspects of my life for just as loving thoughts and actions are contagious, so are negative thoughts and actions. As my negativity about my “yelling too much, and I should know better” grew, so did my negativity towards myself about my relationships, my work in general, and my body.

My goodness, I was yelling at myself, berating myself, seemingly all the time. I wasn’t just giving out what I felt within, I was giving out what I was doing within! Of course I was yelling at my kids when I was with them; it was just a natural, instinctual extension of what I had done moments prior!

Thank goodness this wasn’t entirely a new trigger that I didn’t know how to manage. Thank goodness I knew exactly what I needed to do to yell less!

I needed to love myself more so that I could yell at my kids less.

I needed to love myself more by allowing myself to be proud of my successes (520 days straight without yelling and a book) instead of letting myself magnify my misses.

I needed to love myself more by forgiving myself for past yells while reminding myself that while I might be an Orange Rhino, I am still an imperfect human and that is more than okay.

I needed to love myself more by giving myself compassion. Of course I was struggling to yell less, I had just had knee surgery, followed by a blood clot, all with four kids home for summer vacation!

I needed to love myself more by letting go of what I hadn’t done to focus on what I could do.

I needed to love myself more by accepting my body as more than a number on the scale; it was the home to four children for thirty-six months in five years.

I needed to love myself more by telling myself that I am doing the best I can in this moment and that counts for a heck of a lot.

I needed to love myself more by nurturing myself with quiet time and “doing what I love” time.

I needed to love myself more by stopping all negative thoughts before they have a chance to grow and fester.

And I needed to do one other thing. I needed to learn how to do and say all of the above on a daily basis, not just every once in a while! I needed to learn how to make loving myself an unwavering and natural part of my life so that I wouldn’t once again find myself sliding into old yelling habits.

Loving myself more and yelling at myself less is arguably one of the biggest and most important triggers to manage.

I knew the power of this trigger when I started my Orange Rhino journey and now I know it even more. Of all my old triggers to push me to yell, it is the only one that was strong enough to re-surface.

I am yet to get even close to mastering this trigger, but just knowing that I need to really work at it has made a difference. Thought-by-thought, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, I am working to be kinder to myself. I am reminding myself of all of the promises above. I am reminding myself that if I want to give out love, and I so very much do, then I need to foster love within. And ironically, I am reminding myself that I must be patient and kind to myself, that I must love myself as I learn to fully love myself, for steady change will not happen instantly.

I know I have a lot more learning to do to make this new habit of loving myself a prevailing part of my life, but I can tell you this much so far: loving myself more since this discovery this summer, has already resulted in yelling less, a lot less. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure, but it has been entirely worth it. I am no longer giving out a variety of negative feelings but am once again giving out pride, enthusiasm, kindness, support, encouragement, laughter and love. I am giving out the best of me instead of the worst and am getting back the best of my kids instead of their worst. Yelling at myself less, loving myself more, well it’s a win-win for everyone.

* * * * *

Yesterday was my birthday. As I found myself grateful for all the presents I received, I decided I would gift myself the commitment of really, really learning to love myself more. Yes I have been working on it the last five months, but I know that I need to, ehem WANT TO, make a deeper commitment. I look forward to my continued learning over the next twelve months and I hope I share it with you all as frequently as I wish. I will, however, love myself and be kind to myself when I “fall short” of my goals 😉

 

To learn how you too can track your own triggers and yell less and love more – both at your kids and yourself – click on the book to the left.

 

Dear Diary,

I have been avoiding you for quite some time now.
Yes, avoiding you.
Please don’t take it personal.
This is most definitely (and legitimately!) one of those “it’s not you, it’s me” situations!

I could list 1,001 reasons why I haven’t been writing but at this point, are they really relevant? Are they really what I want to focus on? Do I really want to focus on the past or do I want to move forward and focus on the present, the future? Yes, that is what I want – to move forward. I am certain there will be a time and place when sharing my 1,001 reasons for not writing with you will make sense. And I am certain there will be a time when I feel more comfortable sharing them (I know, odd coming from me, the one who feels comfortable sharing everything), but right now is not the time.

And that is really hard for me to do because folks, if you haven’t guessed it yet I am an anal-retentive, logical, sometimes-organized person! The whole idea of writing posts that don’t reflect my life chronologically drives me bonkers! The whole idea of not thoroughly explaining to you all how I have arrived at this type of post drives me bonkers! I want to explain to all you newish folks why I started with “dear diary” and how this post actually fits in within the grand scheme of The Orange Rhino Challenge.

So why don’t I write those posts you ask? Why don’t I take you back in time with me? I don’t know! I go to write those posts and I hit a block. Actually, I hit a lot of them. Think of it this way. You know how when you don’t call a friend one day and think, “oh, I will call her tomorrow?” and then tomorrow doesn’t happen or the day after or the day after that? And then before you know it more than a month has passed and you still want to call but feel so bad for not calling that you don’t actually make the call?

Yeah, well that is how I am feeling about my relationship with writing right now. Oh how many times I have yearned to write to you dearest diary. Oh how many times I write to you in my head but then avoid writing to you in reality. Oh how many times I sat down to write to you and instead surfed Facebook because the distance between us had grown so much and with it my hesitance., and my fear but we will save that for another day. And oh, oh how many times I said to myself, “just write already, you know you want to, you know you will feel relieved once you start, you know it is a great stress relief, just do it!”

But I couldn’t just do it. I guess you could say that I fell out of my habit of writing. I lost my groove (am I allowed to even admit that here?) and I think we all now how hard it is to get back into a groove. It is brutal! The whole “no more eating chex mix for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert” practically killed me yesterday but alas, I had to get back into the groove of eating better as my body was begging me too. And don’t even get me started on the having to get back into the going-to-school-groove after vacation. Yesterday was Such. A. Tough. Morning. And Day. And Night. Everyone is tired, cranky, disappointed, just wanting to be in pajamas and therefore struggling. Fun times!

I did manage to get into those two grooves yesterday and have continued them today. Partly because the out-of-groove period was so short and well mostly because I had no choice! But getting back into the writing groove? Well clearly it hasn’t been so easy-peasy! But I desperately want to get back into the groove so yesterday I did something about it.

I just started somewhere. Anywhere. 

I told myself to, “just sit and write, stream of conscious style like you used to do. Write to your ‘diary’; it might not be your ideal format for this post but it will get you started so just to do it.”

“Just do anything,” I said to myself. “It doesn’t matter if it is good or meaningful or post-worthy, it just needs to be a start. You just need to start writing. You just need to start practicing again, to get the flow going.”

So that is what I did, that is what I am doing. And wouldn’t you know it, it feels fantastic! I can feel my desire to write to you again, as in sooner than a year from now, growing. Feeling fantastic is a pretty contagious feeling and all I needed to get to that feeling was just starting somewhere.

Just starting somewhere…
Without fear if I would succeed.
Without fear if I would continue to succeed.
Without fear of what people would think.
Without fear of whether or not I would do it right.
Without fear if I was doing enough to get going.
Without fear of well, anything that could keep me back from just doing.

It wasn’t easy letting go of aforementioned fears but I can tell you, it was worth it. AND, if you are like me and are struggling to go after something you want, perhaps, oh say, learning to Yell Less and Love More in 2016, it will be worth it for you if you let go of any fears, hesitations, excuses, concerns you have that are holding you back from starting your own journey to be an Orange Rhino. You don’t have to let go of those feelings forever, just long enough so that you can Just Start in the moment. Because once you get started, once you start to gain momentum and feel fantastic, you won’t want to stop. Trust me.

Will you, will WE, have setbacks along the way? Will you, will WE, have setbacks oh say hours after we started? Probably. And then we will just start somewhere again. We will take any step forward that we can and that step will matter because it will move us forward.

Great you say, but what blooming step can I take? Here are a few in no particular order because again the point is to just do something, anything to help close the distance between your goal/desire/dream of yelling less and your current state. They may seem like small steps, but small steps are bigger than no steps and more importantly, the small steps will lead you to where you want to go!

1. Tell a friend you want to yell less. Tell more if you have the energy, and if not, no worries! You can grow your support circle as time continues.
2. Surround yourself with orange reminders. Print out one orange rhino (download here) and put it up. Add more as your commitment grows.
3. Write a diary entry to yourself about what is holding you back and let it go. Email it to me if you want to officially send it off and free yourself of it.
4. Track your triggers for just 1 hour (here’s a free download or you can find it in my book with more details) Forget days. Just do an hour. Just get started.
5. Set you phone timer for 20 minutes. Tell yourself that you just need to stay calm and choose a more loving tone for 20 minutes. You can so do that! If it needs to be 5 because it is a tough day, then do 5. Just start somewhere!
6. Pick one, just one tip you want to try today and use it over and over and over.
7. Adjust your expectations to help you get over your hesitance by telling yourself, “Today I am just getting started. I don’t need to worry about success right this moment. I just need to get started. I just need to get my mind more engaged in The Orange Rhino Challenge.”

Just starting somewhere certainly isn’t easy, but I think that not starting at all, that wanting to do something and not doing it all is a heck of a lot harder and a much greater burden to carry.

* * * * *

Phew! I did it! I achieved my goal for this week. Did I struggle all last night and this morning about sharing this without any connection to all of my last posts? Yes! Am I sitting here thinking I should save this post for later, for when I have written the posts that lead up to it so that everything is “in order” and “done the way I would ideally do?” Heck yeah. But again, I can’t do that. If I wait, if I don’t just take another step forward by posting, I will get stuck again and I don’t want to be stuck – I want to be moving forward, closing the distance between my dreams/hopes/goals and where I am today.

Who is with me? Who is moving forward today? What 1 step are you taking?

* * * * *

 If you would like more details to get started, you might enjoy this blog post: 12 Steps to Yelling Less or my book which gets a lot more detailed! You can the entire scoop on it here: “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too! A thirty-day guide with tips, stories, and insights. 

 

Our household (apparently like most of the world!) has recently been all about the new Star Wars movie, “The Force Awakens.” My five boys (if you include my husband and I most certainly need to in this case!) have literally been talking about it non-stop since they saw the first commercial for the movie back in November and quite possibly have been even more excited about its release than Christmas! Their enthusiasm was incredibly contagious and I couldn’t help but to join them in their excitement so…I made sure that we had tickets for this past weekend and I made sure that we had watched all of the Star Wars movies before we were blasted off to the movie theatre on Saturday, December 19^th. I am so glad I got completely wrapped up in the Star Wars mania as the entire experience, especially the movie, was an outright blast.

It should be of no surprise then that with Star Wars on my mind 24-7 that the blog post “Jedi Mind Tricks to Yell Less” popped into my mind. Although I have been quiet on the blog for quite some while, my mind most certainly has not. Boat loads of blog posts written it has; just typed them out it has not! 🙂 Seriously, every day my mind thinks about yelling less and being an Orange Rhino. As I shared in my book, the journey to Yell Less and Love More didn’t stop the day I reached my initial goal. Everyday I recommit to my promise to yell less and everyday I work to keep said goal on my mind so that I can successfully be The Orange Rhino that I want to be.

Some days it is easier than others.
And well some days the dark side is strong in me and keeping it at bay is tough.

Thankful I am though, for a few new mind tricks I have developed over the past year that are helping me to stay on The Orange Side and away from the Dark Side. I share them with you just in case you too are looking for some ways to “trick” your mind into the best mentality needed to stay on The Orange Side!

Trick #1: Use the Word “Now”
Nope, I don’t mean use it when trying to get your kids to do something, I mean saying it to yourself! I have always found perspective to be a powerful tool to prevent yelling. I add the phrase “I am grateful” to the beginning of frustrated comments or I add the phrase “at least” at the end to help ground me. “I am grateful that you are healthy enough to run around wild and crazy!” “I can’t believe you spilled the milk…at least your brothers didn’t too!” Perspective works wonders and now, “now” is another phrase that helps! This one is particularly useful for me when I get frustrated about my how hard I have to work on certain days to not yell. Using the word “now” reminds me that the current situation doesn’t predict the future. It gives me a sense of hope that success will come, that just because I am struggling today doesn’t mean I will forever struggle.

Saying “ugh, I am struggling to yell less” left me defeated and angry with myself which totally didn’t help on the tough days! “Ugh, I am struggling to yell less now” leaves me encouraged to keep going and to reach for the future. “Now” also encourages me that my kid’s behavior isn’t permanent. Oh the difference between, “He won’t listen to me” and “he won’t listen to me now” (but maybe, pretty please!, he will in the future if I keep trying to communicate?!) Just knowing that the rest of the day could get easier keeps me positive which helps me yell less. It sounds silly, but using the word “now” really helps to chill me out and to inspire me to keep working hard. So start using this word, now 😉

Trick #2: Remind Yourself that the Urge to Yell Will Pass
I read the most fascinating book last spring: “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal. I soaked up every word and filled the pages with notes and insights and questions for myself as so much related to my emotional eating challenges and my passion to yell less and love more. One key take away I had from the book–and I am going to muck it up here here and I can’t find the book to make the statement accurate (yes I loved it, yes I lost it, yes I am wicked annoyed) so please bear with me–is that urges pass. No matter how big an urge is, the desire to engage in a non-desired behavior (smoking, binge eating, complaining) or yelling (my addition as it wasn’t mentioned in the book!) will pass. The best way to help the urge pass is to not fight it, but rather to accept it. “Okay, I so want to yell. I can feel it in my body. I feel my hands sweating. Okay, these feelings will pass.” I use this trick a lot lately for a lot of different things and it has been a game changer!!!

Trick #3: Asking yourself, “What do I know to be true?”
Full disclosure, I learned this trick from my therapist…kind of. She taught me to say this phrase to myself whenever my youngest son got a high fever and I started fearing he would have a seizure. (Remember, last year was a brutal, brutal year for my son Mac and admittedly it took a toll on me.) So now I fight my nerves by saying, “What do I know to be true? I know that I can give him medicine and that helps. I know the hospital is close if there is an emergency. I know his blood tests are okay and there isn’t a bigger problem.” This method totally works in that situation and I have adapted it to work with yelling less too, in lots of different situations.

My kids aren’t listening. “Okay, what do I know to be true? They are so excited for Christmas they can’t focus. I know I acted the same way as a child. I know there behavior right now isn’t because I am a bad parent or because they are bad kids.” Empathy achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids won’t go to sleep. “Okay, what do I know to be true? If I yell the process will go slower. My kids are dawdling because they want me, not because they want to piss me off. I can do this.” Confidence achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids aren’t the issue, my insecurity is! “Okay, what do I know to be true? I am snappy with the kids because it’s me, not them. I am worried that parents are talking about me because of my son’s temper tantrum at the park. But I know that they are other reasons they might be talking. Maybe they are talking about the 70 degree weather in December (ridiculous!) Maybe they are talking about the fact that I handled the tantrum as well as one could. Maybe they are talking about how we need a girls night out.” Trigger management achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

I so know to be true that this trick works!!!

Trick #4: Tell Yourself that the Force is Within You
We all know Yoda is a wise teacher and perfectly teach about self-confidence in this exchange with Luke he does:

Luke: “I can’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

Um, yep. Accurate you are Yoda. On tough days, when I start to doubt my ability to be an Orange Rhino and I tell myself “I can’t do this,” then not yelling just becomes harder. But on those tough days if I tell myself that I have the force within myself, that I have the energy, determination, and skills to stay calm during a meltdown…to be loving when all I feel is anger…to turn around and take a break when I am at wits end…to use an alternative to yelling…to be empathetic, well then, then I succeed.

Struggling to believe that you have the force within yourself to yell less? Tell yourself about all the times you did indeed not yell! You have been successful, you have used the Orange Rhino force and you will continue to do so! Believe in you I do! I leave you with a final Star Wars quote (and yes I had to research all of them as I don’t know them by heart like my hubby) from Obi Wan Kenobi in appropriately the movie, “A New Hope:”

“Remember…the Force will be with you always.”

If you seek more insights and tips to yell less and love more, and if you seek to no longer feel alone on this journey, but rather understood and supported, check out my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too!” Knowing how us parents have limited time. I have broken down the journey into 30 days, with each daily reading taking no more than a couple of minutes.

Unfortunately, before I started my original Orange Rhino Challenge to go 365 days straight without yelling at my four boys (then ages 5 and under), the “Not-So-Great” Thanksgiving of 2010 happened. Oh, how I wish that I’d decided to teach myself to “Yell Less, Love More” before that turkey day — for then this story wouldn’t still be stuck in my memory… because it wouldn’t have happened in the first place! Nope, all the lessons I learned in my 520 days straight of not yelling would have come into play and prevented me from ruining that Thanksgiving with my relentless yelling. Sigh. Oh well. Here’s how it went down, literally.

* * * * *

I don’t like turkey.

Or cranberry sauce.

Or any of the foods that one typically serves on Thanksgiving, for that matter.

Except, well, the white stuff: bread, butter, mashed potatoes, and more butter!

But I love Thanksgiving Day. I love making a big, roaring fire and then cuddling up with my boys to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love oohing and ahhingover all the floats together and sharing stories with my boys about when I was a kid and couldn’t wait to watch the parade. I love sitting down to eat and first having cranberry juice with rainbow sherbet and telling my boys that this is a tradition passed down from my great-grandmother. I love eating ice cream turkeys with my boys, a tradition passed down by me!

Oh, there is just so much to love on Thanksgiving Day.

And yet, I hated Thanksgiving 2010 because I ruined it.

I ruined it by yelling, big-time. Over a picture. A freakin’ picture. Seriously?! Yes, seriously. As soon as the parade wrapped up, I decided it was the perfect time for the annual “Let’s watch Mom jump up and down and act like a clown to make us smile” holiday card photo shoot. Yes, of course, this moment after James, Edward, and Andrew (then ages 4, 3, and 1) had just been sitting peacefully and quietly for an hour, and only wanted to run outside and play — this was the perfect time to ask them to sit still, again. And smile. And keep their hands to themselves. And try to be patient with my constant requests for, “Just one more picture, please?” I knew at the time that I was pushing my luck, given the circumstances and their ages, but I still pushed.

As expected, given my picture-taking history, my boys whined when I told them it was picture time. As I geared up to corral them into the living room (and to start offering bribes galore), Andrew took off as usual and ran into — of all rooms — the living room. He jumped onto the couch, laughing hysterically as he crashed into the pillows. James and Edward of course followed suit, and all three boys started laughing and tickling each other and having a grand old time. So much so that, when I shouted, “Hey, look at me!” they didn’t realize I had just taken a picture. It was, and still is, one of my favorite pictures in the entire world. The happiness. The love. The joy. The smiles. It melted my heart.

So you’d think I would have stopped right then, right?

No more pictures needed, right?!

Wrong.

I wanted to make sure that I had the best picture. The perfect picture. I wanted to see if I could do better, even though I felt I had just been delivered a miracle. I got greedy, really, really greedy, and I asked, “One more picture, please?” They acquiesced for a few minutes, but understandably soon grew tired of my never-ending demands to sit still and smile. They had behaved wonderfully and cooperatively for so long; now they were done. They had reached their limit and started squirming, whining, pinching each other, and refusing to cooperate. So I started yelling. And I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop because I so badly wanted the perfect picture and I thought that yelling would force them to behave. (I now know better!)

“Sit still!” I barked.

“Just one more! Be good!” I whined.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THIS FOR ME?!” I yelled.

And my famous, or rather infamous, Thanksgiving 2010 line: “It’s Thanksgiving, for cripes’ sake! I would be so grateful for just one good picture. PLEASE! Just smile!” I screamed.

The more I yelled, the more they cried. The more they cried, the worse the pictures were, so the more I yelled

Finally, I gave up and said, ever so shamefully and nastily, “That’s it! I have had it. All I wanted was a picture. Thanks for nothing.”

James, Edward, and Andrew then promptly ran out of the room, crying to Daddy and the grandmas. James screamed, “Mommy’s a meanie.” Edward sobbed, “I don’t like her.” Andrew just cried and cried, clearly scared by how loud and nasty my voice had gotten. And I went to the bathroom and also cried and cried, feeling all the same thoughts as my kids. I pouted the rest of the day as I felt so mortified and ashamed that I had screamed at my young children for behaving well — ashamed that I had unnecessarily taken my own problem with perfection out on them.

I couldn’t look any of the other adults in the eye for the rest of the day. I felt so sad that my need for the perfect picture pushed me to lose it so horrifically. My guilt and shame then kept me from enjoying the holiday. Thanksgiving is one of the days where I often feel nothing but love, and yet, that year… that year I couldn’t feel it because I had yelled to the point where all I felt was hatred for myself.

The sad thing is that Thanksgiving wasn’t the only time I felt such anger at myself for yelling at my kids over trying to get a picture. Nope, it had happened many times before. And while I sit here wanting to write that it’s all just because I am a perfectionist and seek perfection in everything I do, that’s a partial cop-out. It goes deeper than that.

Yes, yes, I seek the perfect picture of all my boys looking at the camera, smiling flawlessly and not picking their noses. But it’s not just because I am a perfectionist; it’s also because I am insecure. Oftentimes in life, I seek comfort, confidence, and reassurance that I am living a happy, good life — that I am doing well at this parenting thing, that I have happy children. And, well, whenever I feel that way, I find that looking at pictures soothes my insecurities and proves to me that I am doing OK.

If I feel frustrated and down and overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting, I can look at that “perfect” picture and look straight into those gorgeous twinkling eyes and remember that it is all worth it, that my kids are happy and it’s worth the work. If I find myself feeling sad that life is passing by too fast, my kids are growing up too fast, and I feel I have missed out, I can look at that “perfect” picture and remember: no, I didn’t miss it, I was right there and it was wonderful. And if I feel stressed about life in general, then looking at pictures of my family having fun, enjoying a special vacation, enjoying a special holiday, enjoying each other helps soothe my negative mood and move me to a more positive, grateful, happy, and definitely less stressed place.

Pictures bring me comfort by helping me feel secure in this world, and, rightly or wrongly, I rely on them for this. That is the real reason I push for perfect pictures. I don’t yell at my kids during picture time because I want the most beautiful picture ever; it’s because I am afraid that if I don’t get that picture, then I won’t have something to look at when I need it most. I yell at them because of me, because of my insecurities, not because of them and their inability to sit still longer than children their age should.

The Orange Rhino Challenge and all the trigger digging I did helped me to see the real reason I yelled. And by default, it helped me let go and chill out during picture time. Now when I find myself struggling to not yell at my kids when I desperately want a picture, I say to myself:

Hey, just relax. You’ll get what you get. Don’t push it or you won’t get a thing except crying kids, an upset you, and therefore a bad picture and a more upset you. It’s not worth it! Yelling doesn’t work, it just makes things worse. Remember, it’s not them you are frustrated with; it’s you. They are doing fine — you are causing the stress. Chill out. Just chill out. Remember, the goal isn’t the perfect picture. It’s enjoying the moment. Don’t ruin it by yelling.

I can happily say that I now enjoy those special moments in my life even more than before because my need for perfection and my instinct to yell aren’t dampening them. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to let go of perfection at times? Yes. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to “Yell Less, Love More” during trying times? Yes. I am the Orange Rhino, but I am not perfect! But I struggle a lot less and for that I will jump up and down, act like a clown, and do all sorts of crazy things to make myself smile and feel good about my progress. Because of all the things I have learned as part of my my Orange Rhino Challenge to Yell Less + L.O.V.E. More, one most definitely is this: the goal is not about perfection, it’s about progress.

And I am making progress — I am yelling less and loving more — and that is what matters to me more than perfection.

This story originally appeared in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can too!” Part parenting guide, part memoir, part journal, her book takes you on a 30-day journey full of honest stories, alternatives to yelling and steps to follow so that you too can Yell Less. Find more about her book here.

It was the Friday exactly three weeks after my ACL and meniscus knee surgery. My recovery seemed to be going as expected. My knee was moving well. The knee pain was gone. I could walk around with crutches. The swelling in my leg was a bit more than usual though but I was assured that some people just swell more and since it wasn’t creating pain that all was well.

That morning, though, I woke up with a sore calf. I knew massage would relieve the mild pain so I found myself actually excited to go to physical therapy (a.k.a. pain and torture.) But first, onto Andrew’s his pre-school graduation to watch him go onto a stage for the first time in three years (yahoo, anxiety be gone!) and then to celebrate with mini-mozzarella sticks and ice cream at Friendly’s.

It was going to be a great day – and it was, until mid-bite of my umpteenth mozzarella stick, when I noticed that Mac had a huge, and I mean huge, red, hot swollen lymph node in his neck. The last time this happened it lead to a high fever and a seizure so I naturally began to worry.

Celebration be done. Such bad, bad timing. I was so disappointed to have to take my focus off of Andrew and back to Mac’s health issues which has been the focus of our lives since oh, September. I begrudgingly (and nervously) called the Pediatrician. We decided that I needed to bring Mac in immediately to make sure that a major infection wasn’t brewing. So, the boys quickly took the last bites of their volcano sundaes and we headed out so I could hit the doctor.

Unfortunately, this new event in the schedule meant that I had to skip physical therapy, which by now, I was desperate to go to. Fortunately though, Mac just had a virus and that entire weekend he never spiked one of his infamous high fevers and never had a seizure. Phew. Crisis averted.

One crisis averted that is.

The cramp in my leg refused to go away that weekend. I did all the calf stretches that I knew. I massaged my calf until the cows came home. I rested with my foot up. I made sure to walk heal to toe and not vice versa which I knew caused leg cramps. But nothing helped and in fact, the pain worsened and worsened. I woke up Monday morning and could barely walk because I couldn’t put any pressure on my left leg. It was dreadful. “Darn leg cramp,” I thought.

As I hobbled into physical therapy a few hours later, my PT, Tyler, greeted me and nonchalantly asked, “So, how was your weekend, how are you feeling?”

“Mostly good. I am sorry I had to cancel last minute Friday. I actually really wanted to come as I have this calf cramp that just won’t go away. And this morning it was difficult to walk. It feels like a tight muscle but I stretched and stretched and it won’t release.”

“Oh,” he said. “Let’s get you up on the table and check it out.”

I oh so ungracefully threw myself up onto the table, ready for him to you know, just fix the pain.

“Let me know if anything hurts when I press on it, okay?”

It was like a game of duck, duck, goose but this time it was, “Nope, Nope, Nope, OH MY GOSH OUCH!” I had one very, very tender spot the size of a thumbnail. Everything else around it was sore, but not like this. Anytime he gently touched it, my leg jumped in pain.

“I am going to have another PT examine you just for a confirmation that it isn’t wise to do physical therapy today.” Well, needless to say she agreed that physical therapy was off and they both agreed to what I was then told:

“We think you might have a blood clot. You probably don’t but we should check it out just to be on the safe side because you don’t mess with blood clots. If you miss one, it can be really bad.”

I walked (who am I kidding, hobbled) out of the PT office and headed to get an ultrasound on my leg (yeah for having access to an entire medical team in one building!) Truth be told, I wasn’t worried at this point. In fact, I was actually laughing at the irony of the situation. You see, I always bring concerns to doctors (I guess I have a weak tolerance for pain) and never once have I been right to be concerned. So why would I have any reason to be concerned this day when I didn’t even start out concerned? I mean really, the one time I should be concerned and on alert, and I am so not.

Well, that feeling of laughing at the situation lasted a whopping hour and came to an abrupt halt when I overheard the ultrasound tech say to my knee surgeon, “yada yada yada…blood clot in her calf…yada yada yada.”

“Wait, did I hear that correctly?” I thought. The tech turned to me and said, “Okay, it is safe to go home.” Now mind you, he hadn’t even directly told me I had a clot so I didn’t truly have a clue what was transpiring.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Didn’t you just say that I have a blood clot? And if so, why are you using the word ‘safe’ to go home? Am I at risk for something bad happening?”

“Yes, you do have a clot. The doctor said it was safe to drive home but that if you start to have a hard time breathing, to go to the ER immediately and tell them you have a blood clot. But you should be fine. The doctor will be calling you very shortly to discuss next steps.” Yeah, so NOT reassuring that everything was going to be fine. Don’t worry, but be on alert, and the doctor is going to call you stat.

“Okay,” I said, completely shocked, overwhelmed, slightly numb and the obvious one, scared. I knew the concerns that came with blood clots. A few years prior, ER doctors ruled out a blood clot in my lungs, but only after they told me that a CT was crucial since uncaught blood blots can be lethal!

I took maybe six steps out of the ultrasound office before my phone rang. The doctor will call you very shortly turned out to be, two minutes. Again, so not reassured all was well!

“Hi, Sheila this is Dr. blankety blank. You have a blood clot in your calf and we need you to go to Urgent Care immediately to be examined. We need to make sure that you have no other blood clots, especially not in your lungs as that can be very dangerous.”

The fact that I was now being sent directly to Urgent Care upped my fears a notch. As did sitting in the Urgent Care waiting room and bumping into the ultrasound tech who said,

“Oh, you can’t be waiting out here. You need to be brought in immediately.” He then informed the desk staff that I was an urgent, urgent matter. So much for the “don’t worry” and “it’s safe” speech, eh? That said, I get it. I know he isn’t allowed to give me a medical diagnosis so I don’t fault him for holding back the potential severity of the situation.

Did I mention that I was going through all of this alone? Yeah, that sucked. I had visions of being admitted to the hospital for days under observation. Shoot, I had visions of this darn blood clot moving to my lungs and wreaking havoc if you know what I mean. And then shoot, the doctor I saw said the following to me,

“You are very, very lucky we caught this in time. Blood clots can be incredibly dangerous.”

She didn’t say the d word (death) or the l word (lethal) but I knew she was implying it. I could see it in her eyes. I could hear it in her voice. I could feel it in my heart.

Which finally brings me full circle to the title of this post.
My physical therapist saved my life that day.

(And end of story. Too worked up to write any more. The whole effectively having my life saved is just a wee bit overwhelming. To say the least. Back in a few….and I’m back, tears wiped away.)

* * *

My first move after I left the doctor’s office, blood thinner prescription in hand, was to go find my physical therapist and thank him. I walked into his office and tried to crack a joke to lighten my mood (and to keep me from having an emotional meltdown in his office.)

“Winner, winner chicken dinner!” I said. “You were right. I have a blood clot.”

We exchanged the knowing look I had just shared with the doctor, but at a deeper level for we both knew that it was his attention to detail and desire to be on the safe side hours before had indeed, saved my life. I tried to thank him but the words I wanted to say couldn’t come out. I mumbled something like,

“Thank you. You know you saved, well you know,” and then stopped. It was just too much to say out loud. I wiped the tears away and reverted to third person to make it easier on me. “Tell your wife you saved a life today and that she should be proud. See you soon.”

* * *

I hesitated titling this post “My physical therapist saved my life” for fear that it sounded too dramatic. But it’s not. It’s the absolute, gosh darn truth. And over the next two weeks, I was reminded of this incredibly frightening yet amazingly wonderful truth every time I met with yet another professional regarding my diagnosis. They all said the exact same thing to me in the exact same manner. Delivered in equal parts intensely concerned and intensely relieved, I heard over and over again,

“You are really lucky. Your physical therapist saved your life.”

Yep, I am really lucky. You know what else I am? Overwhelmingly grateful to be alive.

Dearest Orange Rhinos,

Thank you so much for your loving comments, posts and emails a few weeks back when I shared about Mac’s health situation. My sincerest apologies for not replying until now, and even now replying via a large blog post. It might sound weird but responding to you all after I posted made the situation feel even a little more real and well, it had been feeling surreal which believe it or not feels better than real!

But alas, I did move into the land of reality that Tuesday, April 7^th when my husband and I brought Mac to see the Hematologist. I knew where we were going – to the Children’s Hospital section of the local hospital. I had been there many a times before with Mac and my other boys – to see the Neurologist, the Rheumatologist, the Urologist and several other pediatric specialists. I assumed we would sit with Mac in the normal waiting room, watching the fish and staring up at the wicked cool painting on the ceiling. I assumed wrong. You see, our doctor is also a pediatric Oncologist so we were sent to the special waiting room – the one that is secluded and infinitely more sterile (as it should be.)

Reality hit – along with tears in my eyes and sweat in my palms – the minute I opened the door and saw two children who clearly were currently undergoing chemotherapy. My heart broke and fell into a thousand little pieces; and not just because of my fear for my son, but for my sadness and fear for these beautiful children who stood before us, laughing and smiling despite of their Cancer. Walking into a pediatric cancer waiting room was nothing short of a terrifying experience, but I will leave it at that as you do not have to feel what I did.  No one should.

Moving right along….The receptionist asked for our names and I truly felt like I was going to vomit as I said Mac’s name. “Mac is here to see Dr. H,” (you know the guy who treats rare blood diseases and pediatric cancer I thought to myself; you know the guy who is going to tell me if it is potentially as bad as I fear; you know the guy who is going to tell me if we need to do all the tests that I had been led to believe might happen and that I knew to ask about, like a bone marrow test.)

We waited a whopping five minutes (an A+ to that doctor’s office for being on time) to see the doctor, although in truth, I had been waiting since the previous Thursday at about 3:15 when I made the appointment. Yep, I had been waiting days to meet the doctor and move on to the next part of this long and tiresome journey. Dr. H was quite nice and after listening to our story and reviewing the notes, he finally said,

“Well, I don’t think he has Leukemia.”

He continued,

“Many parents come to see me and that is there assumption. But I assure you, I see no signs of Leukemia.”

He read my mind that I needed more proof and he went through all the data, showing me what was normal in the testing and what we would see if it were Leukemia. I of course felt relieved, but I’ll readily admit, I wasn’t entirely relieved because while I fear(ed?) Cancer, I never feared Leukemia. He went on to share his hypothesis of what was going on.

“I don’t see many red flags, and in fact, if it were not for Mac’s fevers, bruising and seizures, I would tell you not to worry one bit. But those factors do draw my attention. You have done a great job getting the proper testing done to date given the facts and I believe that Mac’s low white blood count is simply his norm – that when it looked normal, it was actually elevated. I do not think he has cyclic neutropenia. I think and hope that when he gets a fever again, that his numbers will go up. This will prove my theory and that we truly do not have to worry or do more elaborate testing; just a blood test if and when he is sick again.”

Not gonna lie, I know I should have felt truly relieved, like jump for joy relieved, but I wasn’t. I felt awful about myself that I didn’t feel more joyous (I had just gotten better news than many patients in that office) but the pit in my stomach just wasn’t satisfied. Fortunately, my husband made me feel better by admitting that he too felt relieved, but not. All we had was a theory and to boot, a theory that was ENTIRELY opposite of what another equally experienced Hematologist had said. Who should we trust? Could we truly stop worrying? Was it really okay? Or were we missing something? I just wanted a solid, completely and utterly 100% definitive answer as to what was going on with Mac.

I just wanted to know if I could breathe again; if I could finally exhale.
I just wanted to know if I could finally start telling myself, “It will be okay.”
I just wanted to know if I could stop desperately fearing another horrific seizure.

And well, while I was close to being able to do all those things, I couldn’t; that was to say until last Wednesday when Mac spiked a wicked high temperature.

I knew the drill – the Hematologist had told us to immediately get blood work if Mac got sick again. The bad news is that Mac was really hit hard this time. As soon as he spiked (it happens out of no where it seems) he was lethargic and out. He couldn’t stay awake and even collapsed onto the floor of the hospital waiting room during registration. In fact, he was so out of it that during his blood work, he slept. The poor thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie – my heart was racing with major, major fear. I knew what this test meant: either the doctor was right and we could worry much less OR the doctor was wrong and we needed to worry more.

It was the moment of truth.

The good news is that we are fortunate enough to be able to get blood work done at the local hospital and that our Hematologist works there so we were able to immediately get in and get results within forty five minutes. As soon as the most incredible phlebotomist took Mac’s blood (she rocks and we love her and are so grateful for her skills…and lollipops!) we went over to our pediatrician’s for a check up (protocol with Mac’s high fevers.) Now, our pediatrician is also connected to the hospital and has access to the blood work. Without telling me that he was checking to see if it was ready (it had been a mere twenty minutes), he pulled up the results.

I wasn’t prepared for what he said…because I wasn’t expecting results so soon. I was totally caught off guard when he casually said to me,

“Well, his counts went up. Doctor H. was right. It doesn’t look like cyclic neutropenia and his immune/blood system is doing what it should. We can now focus on the other hypothesis of Periodic Fever Syndrome – which is a likely contender now.”

Folks, I almost dropped Mac at that point.
I finally exhaled.
I finally breathed, like really breathed.

The tears were yet to come because I was in such shock that after months of bad test results we FINALLY got good ones. Finally. Did I mention, finally?! Finally a test result that didn’t increase our worries but brought them down.

Last Wednesday was a good day. A really good day.

And now the tears come.

It was a really, really good day and I just feel so fortunate to have the pediatrician we do and the hospital we do. They have made this journey just a wee bit less painful and I am so grateful.

I am also grateful because that day our pediatrician witnessed what I have been witnessing for the last eight months – that Mac feels on fire, literally, at 99. Not 100.4 as all say is that proper fever threshold, but 99. We talked about it and a new theory, a life changing one, developed. We are hoping (time and mommy charting his temperature dependent) that Mac runs cool so that 99 for him is actually 101 ish. If this is true, then not only do we know he is getting fevers more than we thought (tough news, but helpful news) but also that I can treat fevers sooner before they get out of control and cause seizures. This is huge folks, huge. Like, mega huge.

I am trying to hold onto this newfound hope…despite the last few days.

Mac’s fever was pretty fierce and lasted four days. And although it has broke, he isn’t back  to being himself. In fact, he has taken naps every day since last Wednesday, which isn’t his usual. Normally I would be ecstatic for the surprise naps (YEAH! Me time!) but they are alarming to me especially because he is falling asleep early in the day and staying asleep despite being completely uncomfortable. My husband and I have decided to wait until Friday to push for more blood work. I am hoping that tomorrow brings no naps; now who the heck would have ever thought a parent would wish that?! Ha!

I will continue to keep you posted and I am so hoping that my newfound hope will help me find my way back here, a place that I so miss being a part of on a more regular basis.

Much gratitude to you all for being here, for staying here, and for supporting us,

The Orange Rhino,
a.k.a. Mac’s (and James, Edward’s and Andrew’s) mom
a.k.a. Sheila
a.k.a. The Mom who still can’t believe she is hoping for no surprise naps tomorrow!

Dear All,

I have received so many wonderful emails wondering if all is all right as I have been ridiculously silent both on Facebook and on my Blog. Some of you have asked if I am pregnant. Nope, I am not! Some of you have asked if I am busy writing another book. Nope, I am not (but if I were…do tell what you would want it to be about!) And some of you have asked if I am simply done with being The Orange Rhino. Nope, I am not.

What I am doing, however, is surviving, just getting through each day.

The last five, well seven really, months have been an incredible emotional roller coaster ride for me – all leading up to today. If you recall, my baby, Mac (who is actually a big kid as he tells me and not a baby, but whatever, he is my baby in my mind!) had an absolutely horrific seizure in September. This wasn’t his first, but it was his first in one and a half years (we thought they were gone), and it was his first where he didn’t talk for two hours after (I truly thought I had lost him) and it was his first that impacted him longer than the seizure period (he started stuttering two weeks after and hasn’t really stopped, although speech therapy is helping.)

Little did I know that that seizure would mark the beginning of a long period of mommy feeling worried, sad, scared, and out right exhausted. You see, once that seizure ended, Mac had high fevers every two to three weeks and since high fevers seemed to be the cause of his seizures, every two to three weeks I was on high, high alert praying that he didn’t have another seizure, praying that he didn’t temporarily stop speaking again; praying that he speech wouldn’t worsen even more; praying that we wouldn’t be taking another ride in the ambulance to the Emergency Room. Luckily, he didn’t have another seizure…until November 6^th.

But two days before that seizure, I was given yet another reason to worry.

My mommy gut said, “Enough is enough with these very frequent high fevers. Mac just can’t seem to get better and that isn’t right.” My doctor agreed and we did blood work. I have not once received a call from a doctor post blood work – until that day. I knew when my doctor called I needed to be concerned, and I was right. She walked me through the few items that concerned her and then taking my limited knowledge of the medical world I said,

“Do we need to be worried about Cancer?”

She replied, “Well, yes, it is on my mind. But it is the third item on my mind. The first is an autoimmune disease, the second is just bad luck, and then comes Cancer. But I really think it is an autoimmune disease.”

Needless to say, that didn’t comfort my husband or me so in addition to seeing a Rheumatologist for the autoimmune concerns, we also decided with our Pediatrician to get an ultrasound done to work to rule out Cancer. Fun times.

Are you still with me?! So many dates and facts. It all leads somewhere, I promise! Can you see why I am so exhausted?! So that was all on November 4^th. November 5^th we saw the Rheumatologist who ordered more blood work and who shared that she felt Mac might have Lupus, but most likely had Periodic Fever Syndrome. Mac’s brother Andrew had this so this wouldn’t be a surprise. That said, I point blank said to her,

“I have been through Periodic Fever. This truly doesn’t seem like it. I am telling you, something else is up and given that fevers cause his seizures, I really want to stop them.”

She agreed and said that in addition to her testing, that it was time to go back to the Neurologist. Well seeing as the pediatrician had said the same, and that Mac had a seizure the next day, I made the appointment stat (don’t ask why the delay, that’s another story!) Fast forward a few days. The neurologist ordered a brain MRI (to rule out a brain tumor given his seizures, the stuttering, and the blood work), a three-day seizure test, and a genetic test to see if he was in the early stages of pediatric epilepsy.

Now I will uber fast forward to all the results, the last of which we got a week before Christmas. It was a LONG six weeks mind you and all while I was supposed to be focused on my first book. I obviously wanted to do nothing else but get my son healthy but I will admit, I was and still am devastated at the timing as it was a lifelong dream to publish a book and it was so difficult to enjoy the time. (Don’t hate me for saying that; you know me, I am brutally honest.)

I did, however, temporarily enjoy the test results.

The genetic test came back negative. No epilepsy. Sweet.
The ultrasound came back negative. No cancer. Sweet.
The brain MRI came back negative. No tumor. Sweet.
The blood work came back negative. No lupus. Sweet.

So what was I left with? Lots of negatives, which was a positive, but still no answer.

Mac continued to have high fevers frequently but also developed hives and a concerning rash, both of which still come and go, mostly when he is sick. An allergist (also an immune system specialist and infectious disease specialist) ruled out allergies (yes, we got to see another doctor as the rash concerned both our pediatrician and rheumatologist who are working together phenomenally) and confirmed that his immune system had no apparent problems. He also confirmed that his last few months health wise were concerning but that all of Mac’s doctors had been very thorough in their work. I guess that was re-assuring, but again, I was left with no answers as to why Mac was so frequently getting sick!

That was February, about six weeks ago. While I still had no answers, Mac hadn’t had another seizure and his fevers were getting shorter and lower so I felt rest assured that he had just had bad luck getting sick this season. HA! Why should this mama start really okay with things?! A few weeks later I discovered that Mac’s back was covered in small, pin point bruises and that his legs were equally covered in bruises.

The pediatrician took one look and sent us for blood work stat. He normally isn’t worried but seeing as he called me the next morning at 7am to see if I had gone for blood work yet, I knew he was as worried as I was that internally bleeding or something was going on (I knew that type of bruising can be a sign of a blood disease as I was told to watch for it.) The good news: nothing major causing the bruising. Phew. The bad news? Mac’s white blood count was low. AGAIN. You see, a few weeks prior during his now standard blood work, his count appeared low, but barely. So we all ignored it. But this time it was much lower. Enter new potential diagnosis: Cyclic Neutropenia.

This is when white blood cells (which fight infection) drop every three weeks leaving one quite susceptible to getting sick. Now this, this would make a boatload of sense! We were told to check blood work again in three weeks. If the numbers went up, voila! most likely an accurate diagnosis. If they went down, well, add cancer to the mix again.

Three weeks passed last Thursday. I was a mess all day. Scared, scared, scared. I tried to write to you all then but couldn’t. I tried to write the night the results came back, but couldn’t. You see, the numbers dropped, again. Mac’s white blood cells have been dropping dramatically for almost two months now. My pediatrician confirmed what I knew weeks ago and had asked, but had been told, “not yet, not yet. We all still think periodic fever syndrome is probably the result and time will tell. If things change, then it will be hematologist time.” Well, things changed and it was hematologist time!

I cried when I called the office to make an appointment because you see, the hematologist is also an oncologist and calling a place where the phone answers, “The… Pediatric Oncology Department” is heart wrenching. Not a call I liked making one bit especially since I was told to get in ASAP. I spoke with the doctor who still feels that Cyclic Neutropenia is likely the cause but still, until I know that, I am surviving, getting through each day as best as I can until I know my worried mind and heart can rest.

We go to the doctor today.

It has been a long four days waiting for the appointment. I just want to know the next steps. I just want Mac to be healthy. I just want to stop worrying. I just want to hear it has all been bad luck. I just want to hear that all my fears, while well founded, have been proved wrong.

So this my dear friends is where I have been: worrying about one of the loves of my life. I have also been worrying greatly about another son who is struggling greatly. Getting through each day with him without losing my cool and with finding as much patience, empathy, love and forgiveness, truly leaves me with no energy left come the time all the boys are asleep. That said, at least I have enough energy to get through the days and giving my boys all that they need while they are awake. Being productive at night, doing the things I so long to do (eh hem, writing!) can wait. My boys are my priority. I know you all understand this and would equally tell me to not worry about not being present, but it’s important for me that you all know I haven’t left you, but that I am here, doing my best to be an Orange Rhino despite all the stress that life has thrown me.

Doing my best to do all of which an Orange Rhino must do to move forward: go one step, one moment at a time; find perspective; take care of myself so I can take care of others (hello sleep!); talk myself through tough moments; and laugh and connect with my boys as I can.

Stomp forward Orange Rhinos…stomp forward!

 

You all know that in January 2012, I promised my four boys, then ages five and under, that I would go 365 days straight without yelling. I had just been caught yelling at them by the handyman and the disappointment in myself that I had become a yelling mom, a mom I so never thought I would be, coupled with the sheer embarrassment, pushed me to finally admit that enough was enough and that I needed to change.

After numerous starts and re-starts, I finally met my goal on February 6^th, 2013 and well, I just kept going, and going. The upsides to not yelling, like less temper tantrums, tears (both my kids and mine,) and berating myself, along with more listening, enjoyable bedtimes, and laughter (just to name a few) made all the hard work so worth it that I had no desire to pull back my efforts! I have only had a few slip ups since that February day, but with new health concerns for my three year old, new parenting challenges and new personal struggles, I am finding that the increased level of stress is making it much harder, like, much, much harder, to respond calmly instead of yelling.

So, when December 31^st rolled around, instead of sitting down to make a list of any new resolutions, I decided to make a list of reminders for how I could continue to succeed at my old resolution of not yelling at my kids. I hope my list helps you out as well because I know I am not the only parent struggling with this resolution!

Preventative Measures to Keep Yells From Growing in the First Place

• Schedule a scream if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or get a stressful phone call. Letting out a big ‘ole yell outside, in the garage, or into the closet relieves tension instantly and gets you to a less grumpy place.

• 

  My mom told me to rest because I needed to. Of course I said I didn’t need to. I ended up not getting up for 2 hours. Mom was right – I needed the break! Loved this moment!

  Take care of yourself. Prioritize sleep, exercise, me-time, and connecting with friends so that you are in a better place to combat personal things that can push you to yell like: hunger, exhaustion, feeling overwhelmed and experiencing any tough feeling of parenthood like loneliness or not-good-enough-ness.

• Surround yourself with orange by sticking orange Post-It notes in oh-so-popular yelling areas and by wearing orange clothes so that everywhere you go you are reminded of your promise to be an Orange Rhino and not yell. That and well, orange gives off a warm and energizing vibe, a vibe desperately needed to keep yells away!

• Laugh, talk and cuddle with the kids whenever you can because when you are all connected and regularly enjoying each other’s company, you all behave better! Seriously. Joyful moments breed joyful attitudes, remember that!

Tips to Stop a Growing Yell When Preventative Measures Don’t Cut it.

• Re-tape newborn pictures that have fallen down off bedroom doors so that when naptime is a struggle or when some darling child needs one thousand and one cups of water to fall asleep, you are reminded how fragile your child was, and always will be, so that you are inspired to proceed with gentle and not harsh words.

• Exercise to get your body, instead of your mouth, moving! Drop and do a push-up so you don’t yell a put down! Do jumping jacks so that you stop feeling so jumpy and irritated! Let the endorphins released from exercising (stretching included) bring you to a happier place.

• Start vacuuming, scrubbing the floor, or wiping down counters to get the similar calm-down effect as exercise. Added bonuses? Also get a cleaner house, more sculpted arms and if vacuuming, a noise to drown of the yelling of the kids which you know can be a major trigger!

• Say, “I love you sooooo much” so that the blatantreminder of how strongly you feel about one of your munchkins dampens the desire to yell. Saying “I love you” is like an elixir to stop yells, especially when it is said over and over again which lets be honest, will be necessary sometimes!

• Stare at a favorite picture in the room of you and the kiddo driving you nutso so that you focus on the positive memory you shared and not the current negative one you are experiencing. In other words, zone out for a minute so you don’t blow up for 10 minutes! Remember, if no picture can be found, staring at an inspirational quote or personal mantra also helps get you re-centered. One favorite mantra: “I can do this. I will not yell.”

• Splash cold water on your face to cool down. Or put your head in the freezer, whichever. You know you can get hot when a yell starts to grow which can make you get irritated. And if you get irritated, then you will probably want to yell even more! And if you want to yell even more well…then literally cooling down is a lifesaver. Note: If you are in the car, open the window and put your head out like a dog. Just watch out for passing cars of course! Ha!

• Find perspective by saying you are grateful for whatever annoying thing happened. For example, “I am grateful my son spilled his milk all over the floor because it meant he was trying to learn how to do it himself.” Or “I am grateful my son spilled his milk and not my coffee. That would have been a disaster.”

• Sing out emotions or just sing for the heck of it because even though you have an awful voice, it gets attention! Plus, singing, “I am so angry I could yellll,” makes you laugh both at yourself at your kids (in a good way, of course) because their, “mom is a wicked awful singer” expressions are priceless.

Alternatives to Yelling When All Else Fails and a Yell is Inevitable.

• Turn the yell into garbledegook (I am not sure that is even a word, but that is the entire point.) When a yell is literally on the way out and you are too late, jumble all the words and sounds up so that you sound ridiculous. This will not only stop the kids in their tracks, but it will also make us all laugh which is an instant mood changer. Likewise, talking like a robot or as if you have marshmallows in your mouth, also work.

• Squeeze the nearest squeezable thing (and no, this definitely does not include kids!) Think Play-Doh, kitchen towel, cereal box, pillow, jacket, steering wheel, or seat of a chair. What also works is putting your hands in your back pockets and squeezing (the pockets that is, not your butt!)

• Just let out a primal scream, but leave all words out. The reality is that sometimes it does feel good to scream; it just doesn’t feel good to yell negative sentiments at others. So if a yell is most definitely coming out, let it out but just save the words and aim it away from the kids. (P.S. I always follow this up with an, “I’m sorry I lost my cool.”)

And last but definitely not the least, the most important of all ways to ensure that you don’t slip into your old yelling habits, should you slip up–rather, when you do because you might be an Orange Rhino but you are still human–make sure to immediately forgive yourself. Remaining mad at yourself will just make you grumpy, angry, and disappointed which are three surefire ways to make it even hard to keep yourself from yelling when the next tough moment arises.

For 85 more ideas on how to stop yelling at your kids, and for a detailed step by step guide to further help and inspire you, check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” available in all major bookstores and online here.