350 days of not yelling, 15 days of loving more to go!

Dear Fred and Ted,

I know P.D. Eastman wrote about you hoping you would teach children about opposites. But did you know that you taught me, a thirty something adult, a really great lesson too? Well you did. Thank you.

Now back to bed!
Yelled the Rhino who was orange, not red!

*

Tonight while I was reading “BIG dog…little dog” by P.D. Eastman to my three year old I couldn’t help but let out a huge chuckle at the end of the story. I mean here I was reading a book for a child and I was the one learning. In case you aren’t familiar with the book, here is the key part of the story. It takes place after Fred, a big dog, and Ted, a little dog spend sleepless nights in a hotel.

“The next morning, Fred said, ‘My bed is too little!’
‘My bed is too big!’ said Ted.
‘I know what to do!’ said the bird.
‘Ted should sleep upstairs and Fred should sleep downstairs!’
‘Back to bed!’ yelled Ted.
“Back to bed!’ yelled Fred.
Ted jumped into the little bed upstairs.
And Fred jumped into the big bed downstairs.
Ted slept all day long in the cozy little bed.
And Fred slept all day long in the cozy big bed.
‘Well, that was easy to do. Big dogs need big beds. Little dogs need little beds. Why make big problems out of little problems?’”

OH MY GOSH. YES! It is that simple. That is one smart bird!

“’Why make big problems out of little problems?’”

I mean really, why? Problems are hard enough as is, so why make them bigger? Or put another way, why take a little yelling trigger and escalate it by actually yelling ridiculously? All yelling does is make my boys cry, which then makes a once little trigger feel ginormous because now I have a sad, upset child on hand as well. Yep, yelling makes little “problems”, bigger problems!

Take laundry for example. I can’t stand sorting laundry. Socks in particular. I mean really. Why do The Gap and every other sock manufacturer have to print the size of the sock in the same color as the sock? How am I supposed to read the size? It’s not like anyone is going to see the size if it is an obnoxiously easy to read color. It’s on the bottom of the foot for goodness sake! Every time I am stuck sorting socks and digging through baskets of mixed laundry looking for a matching sock, I want to scream at my boys. Is the sock dilemma their issue? No. But it drives me nuts and makes me batty so if they approach me with a simple question, I am apt to want to scream at them. I am apt to want to take a small problem, a lonely sock, and make it a bigger problem, a crying child.

Solution: Do one child’s laundry a night. It’s that simple; no more sorting! I stopped washing mixed loads of laundry at the beginning of January. Now each child has a night and I am no longer digging for socks. Such a simple solution. Such a BIG relief. I feel like a new woman, seriously. No more snapping at my kids over unmatched socks is the greatest feeling! There was no need to make a big problem out of a little problem. I just had to think for a moment of a solution.

And then there is the case of the cluttered kitchen counter. I know my counter isn’t magnetized but I swear it is. It collects and holds tight to anything and everything in my house. School papers. Legos. Colored pencils. Snack cups. Magazines. Untouched Weight Watchers books. Small stuff from Hallmark from my mother-in-law that I don’t know where else to put. Shoot, anything that I don’t know where to put or don’t feel like putting away gets glued to the counter. And I CAN’T STAND IT. Just looking at the counter during the day makes me want to scream. It makes me so cranky and on edge that if my kids breathe on me or even leave a crumb I want to scream at them, unnecessarily of course. Yes, I want to take a truly small problem, a cluttered counter, and make it a bigger problem, a crying child.

Solution: Every night I take 5 minutes to clean the kitchen counter. 5 minutes, sometimes less. It is the most beautiful thing ever. Now when I start the day I can breathe easy. My skin doesn’t crawl throughout the day, my to-do list no longer has “clean counter” on it, and I don’t snap at my kids for putting stuff on the counter because I know it will find the right home. The solution was simple, I just needed to look for it.

And well of course then there is the morning rush to school everyday. There’s the get your backpacks, get your shoes on, go to the bathroom, get your jacket, get in the car, buckle up. And that is after all the breakfast fanfare. Without fail every single morning we are running to get #1 to Kindergarten on time because with four kids and eight slow feet and eight otherwise busy hands, getting necessary tasks done takes forever. In fact, it takes so long that I want to scream the marching orders at my children, not say them nicely. Yes I want to take a truly small problem say, get your backpack, and make it into a bigger problem, a crying child.

Solution: Alleviate just one morning task by doing it the night before. Every night I get the school bags from the closet and line them up in the kitchen. One less thing to do in the morning; one less moment I want to yell. The solution was simple. I just needed to acknowledge the problem.

Oh there are so many triggers to yell in my life. The good news? So many of them are easily solved if I just take a moment to think. The other good news? Just thinking for a bit about these small problems has kept them from creating big problems like children with hurt feelings and a mama filled with remorse and guilt.

Seriously, that little bird was right big time. “Why make big problems out of little problems?”

Here are two other related posts about simple solutions…
A Novel Idea 
The Silliest Fight 

349 days of not yelling, 16 days of loving more to go!

Dear Mike T.,

I apologize for how I broke up with you years ago. It was just a wee bit insensitive especially given how well you treated me. When that fortune cookie read “Friendship is the greatest gift” I just felt it was the perfect time to tell you that we were meant to be friends. It was just easier to say “It’s not you, it’s me” than to say the truth (that it was you). Ironically, twelve years later, now that I am a married mom with four kids, it is incredibly hard to say “it’s not you, it’s me.”  Anyway, I started this Orange Rhino Challenge 350ish days ago and have learned on my journey about looking at me and telling the truth and I keep thinking of you and our breakup. And I just wanted to say sorry.

I hope you are well, you deserve the very best,
The Orange Rhino

*

It was May 2001. I had been dating Mike for about four months. He was a great guy with a great career. By day he worked in advertising, by night and weekends he was a volunteer EMT. He drove hours with me to meet my mom once and he rescued me from a drunk man hitting on me on Cinco de Mayo. He really was a great guy but in the end, he felt more like a friend than a potential serious boyfriend. So I dumped him. I told him all sorts of lines (lies!) that seemed easy at the time. I told him I didn’t want to be in a serious relationship. Eh hem. I met my husband two weeks later!

But the line that I still remember saying most clearly was “It’s not you, it’s me.” That was so easy to say at the time. It felt right even though it was a LIE. It felt easy to lie.

And now as a mom, as a person who has focused on figuring out how to not yell for the last year, it is INCREDIBLY HARD to say “it’s not you, it’s me.” Because that is the truth.  If there is one thing I have learned ever so clearly on this journey it is that I often yelled at my boys not because of them, but because of me.

It’s not you I am mad at … it’s me. I am mad at myself for running late.
It’s not you I am angry with … it’s me. I am angry with your father for something he said.
It’s not you I am frustrated with…it’s me. I am frustrated with the insurance agency for not paying our bills.

Oh the list goes on and on and on. And just like I still feel a twinge of pain for lying to Mike twelve years ago, I still feel a twinge of pain for lying to my kids all the years I yelled at them. I still feel a twinge of pain for yelling at them for something that wasn’t their fault. I still feel a twinge of pain for yelling at them when the fault was my mood, my environment, my stress, my issues.

And right now, this day, that twinge is HUGE. Last Friday, I didn’t yell but I snapped A LOT more than I like (even if within my “rules”) all because of my issues. Right now, all my snapping is entirely because of me and I don’t like to admit that. I don’t want to tell the truth. I don’t want to say to my kids,

“I’m sorry I snapped at you. You are being great today. It’s not you, it’s me.”

Because WELL I don’t want to admit that I have issues right now. It would be so much easier to yell at my kids than it would be to admit that I am struggling. Oh, but am I struggling! My struggles are big and real and ugly and painful. I don’t want to look at me right now, I want to blame someone else. I don’t want my feelings to be real, so instead I am tempted to take my anger out on the real people in front of me; the people I really love. Because while that would be uncomfortable, it would be more comfortable than dealing with me, with my issues.

For the past twelve or more years I took some really ugly skeletons and I shoved them in a box. I tied that box up so beautifully even Martha Stewart would be proud. No, she would be more than proud. She would be envious. But now, for various reasons, it is time to unwrap that box. And it has my soul rattled. It has me rattled. It has me sad and upset and overwhelmed and more. And I want to lash out. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

In the old days, I would have yelled at my kids without thinking twice. Shoot, I’d have laryngitis by now. I would have yelled at them for anything and everything. But now, I can’t. I WON’T. Because my kids deserve better. Because I love them so. They deserve my love, not my wrath. And so I am struggling. Because when life is stressful and ugly it is hard to own it; it is easier to be nasty to anything in sight. It is hard to not yell BUT it would be harder to deal with the emotional aftermath if I did.

So I will keep saying the line that I so easily said twelve years ago…even if it is hard. Every time my anger tries to unwrap itself and tries to peak out at my kids, I will think to myself “It’s not you, it’s me.”

And then I will hug my kiddos because that truly is the most comforting thing in the world.

* Don’t worry about me. I will be fine. I just needed to write this. I debated not sharing it BUT so many people have dared to share hard stuff with me that I felt it was safe to do the same. Seriously, no worrying about me!!! Go hug your kiddos instead. And then laugh with me. I mean really. I have worked hard for 350 days to not yell and I have to be tested in the most ridiculous way the last 15?! Seriously, it is kind of funny! See, just writing and I feel better already!

345 days without yelling, 20 days of loving more to go!

Dear Parenting Magazine,

Hold the press! Don’t run that article, I lied. My son DOES listen to me. And not only does he listen to me, but he gets it.  He totally gets The Orange Rhino Challenge, he gets the not yelling thing. Oh, this year has not been for naught. Woot!!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

Is there a real article coming out? No. That’s just a dream of mine.

Does my son sometimes not listen to me? Yes. That’s reality. He’s a kid. Wait, he’s a person. I don’t always listen either you know.

But has he been paying attention, has he been taking in all this Orange Rhino stuff, has he watched me learn to handle anger more calmly, has he listened to me at least some? OH YES. How do I know? Check out this sweet little story from yesterday. I am smiling ear to ear just thinking of it. And maybe stamping my rhino feet in excitement too.

It was bedtime. I had settled one half of my fraternity into sweet slumber and headed towards #1’s room to give him a gentle heads up that lights out was coming. He started to get all huffy puffy. I knew what was coming. A big ‘ole holler. An “I hate bedtime! I never get enough time with you! I don’t want to go to bed yet!!!!! ARGHHHHH!”

I inhaled. I waited and waited and waited. The yell never came. Huh? Then I saw him grab a book, squint at me and start to take aim. Oh, maybe it was coming? Maybe the book was gonna get tossed at me in disgust? Nope.

“Mommy” he grimaced.
“Yes?”
“I’m angry. Really angry with you. And I really want to yell. But I won’t. Because I love you.”

HELLO LITTLE ORANGE RHINO!

Photo: vh1.com

I love you too! And I am so proud of you! This small exchange was such a huge accomplishment for both of us, especially for him. My darling #1 is beautifully emotional and is working on reigning in the emotions that sometimes turn ugly. This was the first time he actually succeeded at doing so. Oh, this was such a win. Such a win. I was grinning when I started writing this and now tears are falling. I am just so very proud of him.

You know, there have been so many times on this journey that I wished I started my challenge earlier. If only I think. If only I started four years ago then I wouldn’t have taught my boys to yell at me, to yell at each other. If only I learned to say out loud “I will stay calm” years ago then I wouldn’t be plagued with the thought “it’s too late, I already taught them to yell, I can’t undo it.”

But clearly, it isn’t. It isn’t too late. And I should know this. Because I have taught myself to change. It wasn’t too late for me, it isn’t too late for him, for any of my boys. I can help them change today, this moment, any moment I choose. I can continue to teach by example. And I most certainly will.

And I will most certainly continue talking out loud as an alternative to not yelling.
I will continue to say:

“I love you, I don’t want to yell.”
“I need your help, can you please help me clean up so I don’t lose my cool?”

And I will continue talking to myself, which by the way I do OFTEN. I talk to myself so much that my head spins but it has helped me through so many tough moments when I have wanted to yell. So many. I say,

“I will not yell. I will not yell. I will be calm.”
“I can do this.”
“I’m exhausted, but I will not yell.” And
“Hey Orange Rhino, enough already. Stop being a crabby biatch.” (That’s a personal favorite. HA!)

Oh, there is so much I will continue doing when this year is over. But mostly, I will continue believing that I can not yell. I will continue believing that it is not too late to teach my children to not yell. My son chose love last night over anger and as the one on the receiving end of that love, I can say it felt great. So yeah, I will also continue believing that LOVE TRUMPS ANGER.

343 days without yelling, 22 days of loving more to go!

Dear sesame seed bagel,
I think I blame you for my near catastrophic yell last week. But I also thank you for reminding me about how important it is to help a mother out, any mother out.
Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

It was T-100 minutes until I took sweet son #4 into New York City to meet a third neurologist. I was anxious. A.N.X.I.O.U.S. and all my boys sensed it. I decided that a huge Diet Coke and a fresh toasted sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese would help ease my nerves. So I buckled all the kids into the mini-van and headed to the bagel store at 6:45 in the morning.

I was pleased with my decision. I was pleased with my managing my emotions and determining what I needed to feel better, what I needed to stay cool, calm, and collected.

My boys, however, WERE NOT pleased. Normally they love the morning car rides. We talk about the weather, what songs we like, how diggers are made, how much I love them. But oh no. Not this morning. This morning they wanted to talk about how much they hated car rides. How much they hated each other. How much they hated that #4 would spend all day with me, alone, and they would have to spend the day shuffled between two babysitters. Oh, and why couldn’t daddy be home to help instead of traveling? They didn’t want me. They wanted daddy. In fact, they wanted nothing to do with me or the bagel store or having a pleasant morning. In fact, I think they wanted to see if I would lose it. Honestly.

Yes, last Thursday morning not one person in my household was happy go lucky. We were the cranky bunch. I knew I needed to stay calm. I knew I wanted to stay calm. But as we parked the car and the screaming continued, I knew I was about to lose it. I knew the likelihood of a massive meltdown from EVERY SINGLE BOY was huge. So I found my eerily quiet, soothing voice and tried to be uber positive and loving as we headed into the store.

“Oh, #2 thank you for unbuckling your brother.”
“#1, you are so strong, thank you for holding the door.”
“#3 you are being so patient. Thank you!”

Yes, I was pulling out all sorts of praise out of every orifice I had to try to make them feel loved; to try and make myself feel like an okay mom. Because at that moment, I SO wasn’t feeling it. I was feeling guilty for spending so much time lately with #4. I was feeling ridiculous for dragging them to town just for a bagel. I was feeling crappy for being cranky with my boys just because I was nervous. I was feeling sad that I snapped at my boys on a morning when they were just nervous too, on a morning when they needed my re-assurance that #4 was going to be okay. Ugh. I was just having one of those mommy mornings where I felt like I was crap and just wanted to cry.

Yes, I just wanted to sit down in the middle of the bagel store and cry. Oh, and I just wanted to boys to sit the blankety-blank down in their chairs and be quiet. Just for five seconds. That was all I needed.

Then I heard a voice. The most beautiful voice.

“You know, you are a great mom. You are being so patient and loving. I wish I saw that more. Your boys are lucky.”

WOW. Did my mystery angel KNOW that I needed that reassurance right then? Did she see through my mommy clothes and into my heart? Did she have super powers and know that I was about to go ape-sh*t in the middle of the store?

“Wow. Thank you so much.” At this point tears started forming in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I felt so alone and nervous and frustrated and impatient at that moment. I was trying so hard to keep it together and not yell despite my personal angst, yet I was slowly unraveling.

I continued, wiping a tear away. “You don’t know how much that means. I had a rough morning and well, thank you. Thank you. You made my day. Truly.”

And she did. She MADE MY DAY. I remember writing a post last August about a stranger needing a friend and how I became that friend. Ironically, it was at the same exact bagel store as I was in last Thursday. That post could have been about me. I needed a friend. I needed some support. I needed to know that it was okay, that I was doing a good job. I needed that woman in my life at that moment.

And guess what? As moms, as parents, as people, we all need to be told we are doing a good job. Especially when we least expect it. Especially when we are struggling. That woman took 30 seconds to pay me a compliment. It was the best gift ever. She gave me STRENGTH to keep parenting with love, she gave me strength to not yell. It may sound silly, but she saved my Orange Rhino Challenge that morning. And I am grateful. So grateful.

It doesn’t take much to compliment a struggling parent. Or to reassure them. In fact it takes less than 30 seconds but can impact that parent all day. Trust me. I know. I experienced it. And I have been paying it forward every day since. Every day since last Thursday I have told a struggling mom that I think they are doing a great job. And I have always received a warm, “really?” but “oh my gosh thank you I needed that” smile.

So is this post a post about learning not to yell? Not really. But what it is about helping others and perhaps unintentionally helping them to not yell at a particularly tough moment. And that to me is important. Because you just NEVER know when you are going to need the favor returned.

So go ahead. Share this story. Tell your friends they are good moms. Tell a stranger tomorrow she is a good mom when she is trying her hardest to hush her crying baby in the middle of the coffee store. You won’t regret it. And she won’t forget it. 

337 days of not yelling, 28 days of loving more to go!

Dear Yelling,

You had a very sexy appeal this morning. Oh were you so enticing! Life felt hard and you seemed so easy, like the perfect escape from the madness. But alas, sexy isn’t always better and I am glad I didn’t give in to your attempts to lure me back in.

Best,
The Orange Rhino

*

Today, I just wanted to say f*** it. Screw it. I don’t care. I don’t care about my promise to my boys. I don’t care about The Orange Rhino Challenge. I don’t care about yelling.

Today, I just wanted to SCREAM out loud. I wanted to yell at my son for asking “how are diggers made?” too many times. I wanted to yell at my other son for eating his breakfast too slowly. I wanted to yell at yet another son for spitting. And I wanted to yell at my sweet little baby for screaming all. morning. long. Today I just wanted to scream I can’t do this mothering thing, I can’t do this not yelling thing!

Yes today, this morning, all I wanted to do was scream. And honestly, I contemplated it because yelling would have been so much easier.  SO MUCH EASIER! It would have released some of the stress I am feeling. It would have stopped them in their tracks. It would have made their behavior halt…for at least 30 seconds.

But then the behavior would start again. Because it always does.  Yelling doesn’t stop behavior permanently, it doesn’t even teach new behavior. It’s just a very very small stop gap. The only change this morning when the behavior started up again would be that in addition to them doing their so-called annoying behavior I would be feeling guilty inside. Guilty that I lost it. Guilty that I didn’t find self control. Guilty that I yelled at them for no real reason at all.

And that mama guilt does me no good. It just makes me more stressed, more pre-occupied, more down. And right now, I so don’t need that! I don’t need the extra mental burden – it will just make it hard to get things done, it will make it hard to stay calm with the kiddos, and it will make it hard for my kiddos to stay calm because they will sense my mood and feed off of it, driving me bonkers and wanting to yell more.

So while yelling might seem easier, it really just makes everything HARDER.

Yelling does me no good.

So I told myself that this morning. Over and over and over again. I sounded like a broken record and I even wanted to scream at myself to shut up, but I didn’t care. I knew I couldn’t yell. I knew I didn’t want to yell. I knew yelling wasn’t an option so I did whatever I could to stay in check.

Was it hard? YES.
Was it exhausting? YES.
But was it ultimately easier than yelling? YES.
Will I be saying “yelling does me no good” all day today? YES

But again, it will keep me in check. And I need that because today, this week, I feel like I am in a giant pressure cooker. And this mama is just about cooked! This mama is just about to let out lots of steam with a big ‘ole yell. Not because of the kids but because of life.

So again, yes. Yes, I will tell myself  “yelling does me no good” all day. And when that wears on me I will spice it up with one of my other popular statements…

“I’m not mad at the boys, I’m just stressed out.”
“I don’t want to yell, I love my boys.”
“You can do this Orange Rhino.”
“Take a deep breath.”
“My boys aren’t stressing me out, life is.”

And of course, the one that makes me stop and laugh,
“You can’t yell, but you can pick your nose.”

Yes I will talk to myself all day with positive comments to keep me on track. Because it works. You might be thinking I’ve lost my mind. Or better yet you might be thinking, wow after 337 days she still has the urge to yell so what’s the point? The point is that life will always be stressful. Sometimes you can change it, sometimes you can’t. And sometimes kids will be the source of stress. Sometimes you can change that, sometimes you can’t. But what can always be changed is me. My reaction to stress. And while these 337 days haven’t made stress magically disappear, and they haven’t completely ridden me of the desire to yell, they have changed ME.

These 337 days have taught ME who to control my reaction to stress; how to keep myself in check so that I don’t unnecessarily unload it on my kids with an awful, gut-wrenching yell.  And that’s the point. I’ve changed. And I still firmly believe that you can too.

*

I survived the day. Even when my 6 year proclaimed “Mom!!! I am so mad at you that I am going to make you made at me and yell and ruin your blog!” I did talk to myself and after my son challenged me I went through my “Favorite Song Friday” blog posts and played every single song. Check ‘em out if you haven’t! The Fighter and Seasons of Love are my favorites…