336 days without yelling, 29 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Tonight, I wanted to sit and write a deep, thoughtful post about the important of preparing for change. The importance of putting in effort even when you don’t want to.

Tonight, I wanted to sit and write up my plans for “30 days to yelling less” project that I spoke of on Facebook the other day. It will happen by the way. It will commence sometime next week and details will be forthcoming so that you have time to share them with friends.

Tonight, I wanted to sit and write about how sometimes my posts have nothing to do with yelling, but have more to do with me and my personal struggles and how that actually has everything to do with yelling.

Tonight I had lots of plans.

But none of them will get done tonight for two reasons.

1) I am exhausted and I need to go to bed!
2) I have other things to do.

As to being exhausted…I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. #4 seems to be having new seizures of a different kind (read here) and as such we are off to the neurologist again. Can’t. Write. About. It. Just can’t. Can’t write about how I need to prepare for the doctor, how I need to write up questions and so forth so that I can maximize our visit. Can’t write about how scared I am of the epilepsy diagnosis. Can’t write about how scared I am that my son won’t be able to drive when he is 16 like his friends. Just can’t go there. Can’t write about all the insightful comparisons between preparing for doctors visits and learning not to yell because I just can’t think about it. Because I will cry. And the tears will most certainly ruin my new computer’s keyboard. And I can’t do that! And I can’t cry because well, I just don’t want to. Yet. And because once I start I know it will be a late night and it can’t be. I need to get to bed so I am “rested” enough to be the best mama I can be tomorrow! Lack of sleep = BIG trigger.

As to having things to do….I love blogging. I love The Orange Rhino Challenge. There is so much to love here, so much love that goes around, so much love to be had! And I want to write a “real” blog tonight for me, for all of you. BUT if I do write, and edit, and re-edit and edit again, and therefore ignore my never ending to-do list that I have pushed aside because I just don’t know where to start well then all I can say is: I WILL YELL tomorrow. And I don’t want to yell. Not just because of my challenge. But because I am a changed person and I don’t want my stress to get to me. I don’t want it to win! I want to be strong enough to acknowledge my triggers (lack of sleep and nagging to-do lists) and manage them. So I will tackle the list now so it doesn’t grow into a huge nagging problem and trigger.

So there you have it. I will do one thing on my to-do list and then snuggle into bed. I might cry there. It would be good to as bottled up emotions are also a trigger (read here). In the meanwhile, get ready for kicking off “30 days to yelling less” next Wednesday January 16th. The project will wrap up on Valentine’s Day, the day of love! I will spend 30 days dedicated to walking anyone who wants through the steps of not-yelling. I will break down the daunting task of changing and learning to yell less into 30 days. We will together, acknowledge our triggers and kick ’em in the a*s. Or at least learn how to manage them.

Like going to bed early.

Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite (or something like that),
xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

335 days without yelling, 30 days of loving more to go!

Note: My husband wrote the following unbeknownst to me. I didn’t ask him to write it,  he just surprised me with it on our wedding anniversary as a nod to my upcoming 1 year anniversary of not yelling. I was floored and touched and so many other wonderful feelings too! I hope his insight into the impact of the challenge touches your hearts as well. And babe (that would be my husband) I can’t say thank you enough for this kind, loving gesture.

*

Dear Faithful Orange Rhino Readers,

This is a message from the Green Turtle (aka: The Orange Rhino’s Husband).  I am writing because the 1st year of the Orange Rhino challenge is coming to an end and I need your help to commemorate the year.  I could write endlessly about the positive effects of the Orange Rhino Challenge, however, I’m told these posts are best when kept short and sweet…and that my wife is incapable of the short part! So I’ll be brief for her. To that end…. The Orange Rhino Challenge has had a profound impact on many lives….

1) Our Household is different and better place because of the no yelling decree.   My incredible wife has not yelled (seriously).  I’ve taken the challenge more times than I can count.   Sadly, I haven’t gone more than 30 days without yelling.  Let’s face it, not yelling is HARD.   However, because of our commitment to replace ANGER and YELLING with LOVE and UNDERSTANDING the OR+GT household is a better, happier, more positive, place.

2) Our marriage is better.  Let’s face it, marriage is HARD.  However, because we created an environment of love and understanding we’ve also created an environment of COMMUNICATION, RESPECT and PATIENCE.   I can’t speak for anyone else, but replacing the negatives with the positives is wonder natural elixir.  The past 330+ days have been some of the best days of our marriage (honeymoon aside).

3) Your lives are better.   I don’t profess to know many members of the Orange Rhino Community.   However, on occasion, my wife shares a story about someone who has taken the challenge and has remarked about the positive improvements to their lives.   To me, that’s what the Orange Rhino Challenge is all about.  It’s not only about not yelling.  It’s about taking the best things in our lives (Spouse, Children, Friends, Love) and embracing these wonderful gifts.  It’s about not taking the EASY road and reverting to anger.  It’s about making a COMMITMENT to be a better person, to be a better parent, to be a better friend and a be a better spouse.  Many of you have embraced this challenge and stories & anecdotes indicate you’re happy you did it.

So, in conclusion, I am a proud member of the Orange Rhino Community and I am an incredibly proud husband of the woman who challenged all of us to replace ANGER with LOVE.

As this year comes to an end, I would like to do something to celebrate the success of the Orange Rhino and I  NEED YOUR HELP.  I am making a craft project of pictures, anecdotes and quotes from the past year.  If you have a something you want to share in celebration of the Orange Rhino Challenge would you send it to me?  I can be reached at GTurtle.ORhino@gmail.com.     

Thanks,

The Green Turtle

334 days without yelling, 31 days of loving more to go!

Dear Crayola Washable Markers,

Nothing says lets get this Friday morning started like turning around and seeing one son’s door covered in bright yellow marker. Nothing says let’s test mom by finding one of her favorite washcloths and trying to wash the marker off. Nothing says “hey mom can you stay cool at 6 in the morning” if we leave the wet wash cloth on the floor AND leave the guilty marker right next to it so when you jump after stepping on the wet wash cloth you fall.  Yep, nothing says, good morning like all of the above and yet, I thank you for the “colorful” morning. No really, thanks. You may have really ticked me off but at least you further motivated me to not ever return to yelling at my boys. So for that, I thank you. For the extra work you created? Not so much.

Anywho, cheers!
The Orange Rhino

*

I picked up the marker and approached sons 1 and 2. Lucky for them, I had showered already that morning and was awake, refreshed and relaxed.

“Boys, who drew on the door?” I calmly asked.
“He did!
“No he did!”
“No really he did, and he drew on my wall, my blinds, my bed, my desk and my toys too!”

(Photo courtesy: Marketplace.com)

I SLOWLY opened the bedroom door. Sigh. The last statement was more than true. The once white, green, and blue room was now white, green, blue and neon yellow. Awesome. Really? Really either a 4 year old or a 6 year old thought that it would be okay to decorate with a marker? I was flabbergasted. I slowly and calmly opened my breath, praying that I didn’t scream. Praying that patience found me.

“Boys. I don’t care who did it, what I care about is the truth. I just want to know the truth. I won’t be angry if you tell me the truth. I’ll be angry if you lie.”

And that was the truth. I didn’t want to scream at either one of them. I just wanted to know the truth so that I could have a meaningful conversation with the artist and reinforce that we don’t draw on walls, that we draw on paper.

There was silence. I looked back and forth between both boys. Eyes watched me.

“Boys, I’m not going to yell.  I promise, I am not going to yell. I just want to know the truth.” I reiterated.

A quiet voice spoke.

“I did it. I’m sorry. I just well, I just, I don’t know why I did it.”

“Okay. Listen. That was not acceptable. You know we don’t color on the walls. Lets clean this up together.”

“Okay” he mumbled as he started cleaning with me.

And that was that. I stopped and think. Sh*t. Was I too lax? Should I have been harsher? Did I get my message across? Did my son get the point?

You know what, I believe he did get the point. He got it when he lost 5 minutes out of playtime because he had to clean. He got it just by looking at my face. And he got it when I spoke to him calmly and clearly; he certainly wouldn’t have gotten it if I had yelled.  But do you know what really mattered to me more than, did my son get the point, and phew, I didn’t yell? The fact that my son felt safe enough to tell me the truth even though he knew I was beyond angry.

I am not sure I could have said that pre-Orange Rhino Challenge. When I used to yell, I mean really yell, I made my boys scared of me; I made them scared to tell me the truth. But now, 332 days later, my son wasn’t scared that I would yell so he freely fessed up to his artistic endeavor. In all my six years of parenting and pondering what kind of mom I hoped to be, this was the first time I realized just how much I always want my boys to feel safe enough to tell me the truth, no matter how ugly it may be.

If my son hits someone at school because he was bullied…I want him to tell me the truth so I can help him.

If my son “borrows” a candy bar from Target…I want him to tell me the truth so I can teach him.

If my son gets in trouble in high school doing gosh only knows what and is scared…I want him to tell me the truth so that I can comfort him.

There are so many things I want to be able to do for my boys, both in good times and in bad. But the truth is that I can only do those things if we have a trusting and loving relationship.  The truth is, as I witnessed this morning, my best chance to do those things is if I keep on not yelling.

*

Not 10 hours after this incident, two other boys wanted my attention. I was busy. So they took green and blue markers and colored on as many white walls as possible. I was LESS THAN thrilled. In fact, I was PISSED. I started to feel a yell rumble and I thought of this blog post. I thought about creating, and a maintaining, a trusting, safe relationship with my sons and my yell subsided. I hope this post does the same for you!

What kind of parent do you want to be? How does yelling hold you back from that?

332 days without yelling, 33 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Some of you have probably shared a goal with friends and family this week about no more yelling. And I’m guessing from personal experience that the following may have happened:

You were told that your goal of no more yelling is crazy. You were told you don’t stand a chance. You were told, by yourself, that you should just quit and give up. And so I am going to tell you otherwise.

You aren’t crazy. You do stand a chance, a gigantic chance. And don’t quit when you slip, remember that you haven’t failed, you have just fought to show your kids you love them so and you are ready to try again.

Because YOU ARE A FIGHTER. You are fighting to be the best mom you can be in any moment. You are fighting to change, which is brave and admirable and amazing. You are fighting to prove to yourself that you can do hard things, even when you and the world think you can’t.

YOU ARE A FIGHTER. You are doing this for the kids, for yourself. You are gonna turn heads this year as you change. You are going to make other parents stop and think, “wow, that mom handled that situation really well. And without yelling.”

It is Friday, a day when I share a favorite song that has rocked my world and kept me going during this challenge. I LOVE this song. I’ve highlighted the lines that really spoke to me and inspired me. Read the words and listen to the song; maybe even add it to a playlist.

And remember, I am fighting right along side with you. If you feel like throwing the towel in, if it has been one jab too many, email me and I’ll help you get back up.

The Orange Rhino

*

The Fighter by Gym Class Heroes.
(Original lyrics. My additions are in parentheses. The actual song can be played after the lyrics and you can find two other Favorite Songs that I love.)

Yeah!
Just waking up in the morning
And to be well, (and to get through the day without losing it)
Quite honest with ya,
I ain’t really sleep well
Ya ever feel like your train of thought’s been derailed? (yes, always)
That’s when you press on – Lee nails
Half the population’s just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you’re better off trying to freeze hell
Some of us do it for the females
And others do it for the retail

But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on
Everytime you fall it’s only making your chin strong
And I’ll be in your corner like mick, baby, til the end
Or when you hear a song from that big lady

Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya’ll?

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we’re dead.
Give me scars, give me pain.
Then they’ll say of me, say of me, say of me.
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That’s what they’ll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one’s a fighter

And if I can last thirty rounds
There’s no reason you should ever have your head down
Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds
Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town

Text book version of a kid going nowhere fast
And now I’m yelling “kiss my ass”
It’s gonna take a couple right hooks, a few left jabs
For you to recognize you really ain’t got it bad

…

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can’t take no more (c’mon)
Just remember what you’re here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure (MY KIDS)

Give em hell, turn their heads
…
Here comes the fighter (THAT’s YOU!)
That’s what they’ll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one’s a fighter

‘Til the referee rings the bell
‘Til both ya eyes start to swell
‘Til the crowd goes home,
What we gonna do kid? (We’re gonna do this. It’s gonna be hard. We’re gonna wanna quit. We’re gonna fall down. But we’re gonna get up. And try again. It will be a process. But we’ll get there. Every moment is a win. Every MOMENT is a way.)

Here are my two other Favorite Song Fridays:
Seasons of Love (click here)
Just know you’re not alone(click here)

330 days of not yelling, 35 days of loving more to go!

Dear Staycation,

Oh I loved you so. I loved waking up and having nowhere to go, nowhere to drive. I loved waking up and having all my boys, all 5 of them, in my bed snuggling, being lazy. I loved having my 5 boys home all day to just hang out with. To play with. To laugh with. To smile at. To enjoy. And now you are done and I am sad and oh so cranky and impatient. But guess what? My kids are more so and we can’t all be that way. I guess I need to be the adult and be calm and empathetic until we all re-adjust. In the meanwhile, can you please make plans to come back soon?

Fondly,
The Orange Rhino

*

The extra hyper behavior, the extra tears over small things, and the extra amount of time dedicated to not listening, all made it very clear that my emotional carbon copy, son #1, was struggling with vacation coming to an end just as much as me. And all these “extras” certainly made our last day on vacation with him extra hard. It made both my husband and me extra impatient, my husband more so though.

You see, I was at least able to be extra empathetic because I knew what my son was feeling. I too wanted to run around crazy because I was so full of sadness that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I too wanted to cry over everything because I had had such a great staycation that I didn’t want it to end. I too didn’t want to listen to the “get-ready-to-go-back-to-real-life” voice in my head because I just wanted to stay in vacationland, the land of no constraints, the land of lots of family time.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t ignore real life coming back and I couldn’t lose it with my son even though I kind of wanted to. So instead I listened to the other voice in my head, the one that kept saying over and over and over again “Do not YELL at your son. Yes, he is acting out and struggling BUT it isn’t because he is trying to be difficult or annoying it is because he is having a hard time. Love him. Listen to him. Be patient with him. Tell him you too are sad but how happy you are for the fun time we did have. Reassure him that it will be the weekend soon. Whatever you do DON’T YELL at him. He needs love right now, not anger. And besides, you will kick yourself in the a*s if you end vacation on a bad note.”

Oh I am glad I listened to that voice. Because it was right.

As we all headed up for bedtime, #1 starting running around crazy and ignoring each and every simple request asked of him. Please put your clothes in the laundry basket. No. Please get in the bath. No. Please brush your teeth. No. PLEASE LISTEN. NO NO NO! Oh dear #1 was doing everything to avoid going to bed, to avoid ending vacation. Can you blame him?

Well, my hubby did and started to lose his cool (can’t blame him either). I interrupted.

“Babe, don’t get angry with him. He is just having a hard time.” I said.

“No he’s not. He’s fine.”

I knew better. My days of The Orange Rhino Challenge, my days of paying attention to my kids, like really paying attention, told me the truth about this situation.

“He’s not. Trust me. Please.” I pleaded as I turned around to rally three other kids into a bath.

And at that point, as much as I wanted to cry, I laughed. You see, my mother-in-law always gives me gifts with thoughtful sayings about motherhood. And I always kind of laugh them off as “oh, just another Hallmark gift I’ll never use.” But this year, she gave me something that I just can’t laugh off:

Tonight, this saying rang loud and clear in my head. YES. It is so true. Today, tonight, I knew what my son was feeling without him saying it. But, that is only because of The Orange Rhino Challenge. This challenge has taught me to tune in to my kids’ feelings. To believe they are real. To believe that kids have real emotions too. To believe that sometimes kids have bad days too. The Orange Rhino Challenge has taught me to try and first understand what a child does not say before yelling unnecessarily.

After I tucked three kiddos in I went back to tuck #1 in. As I opened his door I saw a little head perk up from the pillow and the sweetest words fell from his lips:

“Mommy, I’m so sad.”

I rushed right over. He had NEVER so clearly explained his emotions. It both broke and filled my heart.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” I asked wiping tears away from his face.

“I don’t want December to end. I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want daddy to work. I want to play with my new toys all day. I want to stay home with you. And I don’t want to miss the Superbowl.”

Oh the innocence. The truth. I snuggled into bed with him and cried right along with him. I told him mommy felt the same way. I told him I too was sad but how happy I was for our fun vacation. I told him much I loved him and that it would be the weekend again before he knew it. I told him we could play with his toys during all the months. And not to worry, the Superbowl wasn’t until February! I gave him one last hug and kiss and walked out.

And then I thought to myself as I wiped away a last tear,

“Phew. I’m so glad I didn’t yell tonight and instead had a chance to snuggle with my son and be there for him, with him. Oh, I feel so much better.”

This is just one moment WON from not yelling. Here is another one… https://theorangerhino.com/is-it-really-worth-it/ 

328 days of not yelling, 37 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

This is my best attempt of summarizing how I stopped yelling at my four boys and stopped feeling the awful guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness inside every single time I yelled. It isn’t scientific and it isn’t backed up by an advanced degree in childhood behavior, therapy, life coaching or any topic you might think relevant to this subject. What it is, however, is an honest, from the trenches account from a real mom and it is something that YOU can do. I am not going to tell you it was easy. It wasn’t. It was hard. BUT it was DOABLE. And I am not going to tell you it is one, single, concrete thing you can do at the moment you want to yell. It isn’t. It is a process and it takes work. BUT again, it is DOABLE.

Good luck!
The Orange Rhino

*

Step 1: Acknowledge that you need to change, Decide that you want to change, and fully Commit to changing. I didn’t just casually do these things, I REALLY acknowledged, REALLY decided, REALLY committed. Changing a bad habit is a big job. It required an equally big amount of energy and focus. I gave The Orange Rhino Challenge MY ALL. I took it seriously, I made it a real priority, I believed in it and myself, and I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to succeed. 

Step 2: Set a Goal. Yes, 365 days straight is a bit severe but it was a clear and inspiring goal, for me. Pick a goal for you that isn’t too vague, isn’t too overwhelming but is also motivational and measurable. Pick a goal that will help you yell LESS and build confidence. Some ideas beyond 365 days: 30 days without yelling, 30 bedtimes without yelling, 1 week without yelling. For more ideas read this blog post: Forget 365.

Step 3: Share your Goal to Create Accountability. I told my friends and family about my goal in order to make it “real” and not just a casual idea. Yes, it was hard to admit that I yelled too much but I knew it was important to have a group of people to be accountable to and share my progress with.

Step 4:  Create a Support Network. There are four people I wouldn’t have survived this without.
(a) The Pep-Talker: The person you can call when you want to quit who will always tell you not to, that you can do it and that you’re doing great. This is my hubby’s job!
(b) The Texter: The person (people) you can text whenever you feel the urge to yell. Choose people who you know will reply back quickly with a supportive “don’t do it!”
(c) The Children: As in your children. Whenever my boys sense I’m getting ready to yell they say “Orange Rhino!” It works wonders. Wonders.
(d) The Orange Rhino Facebook Community. These are the people who can give you advice, encouragement on bad days, and hooray’s! on good days.  These are the people who will stand by you without judgment, who will remind you that you are not alone and who will inspire you to keep going.

Step 5: Track your Triggers. This is the part no one wants to do, but needs to do! My first 10 days I wrote down on orange post-it notes when I yelled, why I yelled, my mood, my kids mood, time of day etc. Tracking helped me:
(a) Create a mental alarm system that now goes off BEFORE I yell. (ie. Warning! Legos all over floor. You will yell. Prepare yourself for self-control. )
(b) Identify small problems that can easily be fixed and larger problems that can be focused on one at a time (ie. rushing in morning makes me yell, put out breakfast plates at night)
(c) Gain self-awareness that 9 out of 10 times underneath the “triggers” was the real trigger, my mood, and that therefore I needed to focus on my role in the “wanting to yell situation,” not just the kids. (ie. I want to yell because the kids are too loud, but REALLY I’m just tired) and ultimately
(d) Create a preventative measures plan to practice (eat well, exercise, go to sleep earlier, don’t bottle up emotions, etc…)
Read my post on Tracking your Triggers here.

Step 6: Start practicing slowly. Learning not to yell AT your kids is a big change; take baby steps and know that it takes practice! First, I taught myself to yell AWAY from my kids. I stilled yelled, but not at them, not in their faces. Instead I yelled in closets, toilets, cupboards, cars, boxes, shoes, bags. I yelled anywhere BUT at them. After, I trained myself to turn away AND not say the mean words. I let out yells (ARGH!!!!), animal sounds (Roar!), whistles and whatever else came to my voice.  The key here is repetition and accepting that “I can not always control my kids action, but I CAN always control my reaction.”

Step 7: Keep Practicing! After ten days of feeling silly yelling into the toilet and making animal sounds all day, and realizing that I DID have the self control to not yell at my boys, the desire to yell faded. I turned my energy towards (1) finding and practicing new ways to stay calm, (2) identifying, understanding and alleviating triggers, and (3) owning up to my own mood as the REAL source of the problem. Yes, I kept working at everything until I found my groove. For 100 Alternatives to Yelling that I tried, click here.

Step 8: Keep Goal top of mind. I practically decorated the house and myself in orange for a month straight to keep my promise top of mind; and I still do. Serve orange foods, wear orange, post sweet, gentle, “I can’t imagine yelling at that precious” baby pictures in problem areas, do whatever works to keep you focused on your goal.

Step 9: Persevere when you yell. In the beginning I restarted several times. I was discouraged until I started reminding myself that this was a process, that it would take time, and that the upside of yelling was that I learned about a trigger and what response to calm myself didn’t work. I didn’t fail; I just got more data points for how to succeed! Besides, telling myself I failed just made me feel crankier and yell more. So I stopped being so hard on myself, and when I did yell, I forgave myself, apologized to my kids, and promised to keep on trying.

Step 10: Celebrate when you succeed. Any moment I didn’t yell was a success, even if I had yelled moments before, and I celebrated those moments with either a fist pump in the air (yes, I did that!) or posting on Facebook. Everyone needs visual positive reinforcement too; my countdown clock on my blog does that for me. Other ideas for you: Make an orange heart on a calendar for every day you don’t yell, put an orange m&m in a jar for every moment you don’t yell, place an orange post it note on the wall near where you didn’t yell. Get creative but praise yourself!

Step 11: Stop Yelling, Start Thinking, Continue Calmly. And yes, despite all of the above, there are still moments where I feel a yell brewing. And then I turn to this mantra. STOP the Yell. (close my mouth, clench my hands, count to 10). START thinking (what’s the trigger, what calms me down, how can I proceed) and continue CALMLY.

Step 12: Remember that you are not alone, that I believe in you and that I am here to help you!

* It was HARD to learn to not yell and HARD to summarize all I did in a short blog post. If you want more information, comment and I will add it in future blog posts or point you in the right direction! Or read these posts mentioned above:

For goal setting: Forget 365 Days
For tracking triggers, a very useful step: Tracking My Triggers
For alternatives to yelling: 100 Alternatives