112 days down, 253 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I would love to write something inspiring and useful tonight. Or even just something funny or interesting. Shoot, I would just like to write something, anything period.

But I can’t. I simple don’t have the time. It turns out that I am not Superwoman after all and that I don’t have 24 hours in a day to get stuff done. Darnnit, I really thought I was! So instead please share any questions you have below in the comments section or share any requests for topic matter for my posts.

Shiver me timbers, I’m off to frost Pirate Cupcakes for my son’s 4th Birthday in school and to prepare for the Alphabet Treasure Hunt. So much to do, too few hours to do it all. Why can’t I be superwoman? It would certainly make life easier!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

111 days down, 254 to go…

Dear Birds outside my son’s window,

I get that because you are a bird, you live in a nest, in a tree. I get that because you are a bird, when the sun rises, you rise. I get that because you are a bird, you make bird noises. These are all things birds do. But what I don’t get dear birdies, is why the h*ll you think it is necessary to make a nest in the tree right by #2’s window and then rise with the sun at 5:00 am and chirp chirp CHIRP waking him up. I mean really, WTF. I know you are a bird and not human, but you have babies too right? Don’t you get annoyed when they wake up too early? Don’t you ever want to sleep in until, say 6:00 am? Well I sure as h*ll do. So please. PLEASE stop chirping so darn early. Let #2 sleep in because when he wakes the whole house up and it ain’t pretty and it makes me want to CHIRP really, really loud.  And I can’t. So back off with the early chirping. Please.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

*

We have early risers in our house. Always have, always will. But never before 5:30. Until recently. # 2 has taken to waking with the birds at 5:00 am. We have told him repeatedly that he has to stay in his room and remain quiet until his yellow sun alarm clock goes off at 6:00. Well, that is great in theory but not if he has to go to the bathroom. Which was the case this past Saturday. He woke up at 5, thanks to the birds, and then proceeded to open his door and LOUDLY stomp into the bathroom.

Okay, no biggie I think to myself. He is just peeing. I roll over and try to fall back to sleep.

“Mommy, I pooped. Come wipe me.” He hollered.

Shit. No pun intended. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the hall, and took care of business followed by a little talk.

“#2, it is still night time. Go back to your room, get back in bed and be quiet.”

“But mom, the birds are up. It is daytime.”

“Not in this house it isn’t. Back to bed.”

10 minutes pass.

I hear a creak and then footsteps all followed by a knock.

“Hey #1, you ‘wake? Let’s play.”

Too tired to parent, I ignored it and thought to myself “whatever, I just want to sleep.” I rolled over to my husband and said “you go deal with it, or I’ll yell.” His response, “I’m sleeping and besides you can’t yell you are The Orange Rhino.” Seriously? Seriously? So neither one of us got up.

Well clearly that was a BAD idea.

5 minutes later I hear massive laughter. I can handle two kids being up early, but not 4. I race into the room to stop the noise only to find it destroyed – they had decided to make a fort out of the bed and pitch it up with piles of books and lego towers. I took one look and closed the door.

I was still too tired to parent, and way too tired to yell.

Well clearly that was ANOTHER BAD idea (the not parenting part.)

10 minutes later, it is now, what 5:25 I hear water. GUSHING.

I run into the bathroom. #2 has CLIMBED onto the vanity counter and is not brushing his teeth, not washing his hands, not doing anything productive. Instead he was intentionally SPLASHING all the water onto the floor. Are you <<<insert the F bomb here>>> kidding me? It is a good thing it was so early and I was so tired because what I thought was neither said nor screamed. Phew!

I turned around, got a towel and took darling #2 off the counter.

“#2, water is for brushing teeth and washing hands. Not for splashing. Here is a towel. You made the mess, you clean it up.”

I left the bathroom and went to start the day. No point sleeping now. As I was rather aggressively making my bed #1 came in:

“Mommy, slow down. You look angry.”

I didn’t say a thing. I was furious but didn’t want to lose it.

#1 left and then came RUNNING back in saying:

“1-2-3 I am taking care of me” while showing me the pages to his book “Calm-Down Time.”

"I can breathe in and out while I count to three. One...two...three. I'm taking care of me." More like "I'm taking care of mommy!"

I just had to smile. He was so proud of himself and well, I was proud of him too. And grateful.  Saved by my five –and-a-half year old!

Then #2 came in.

“Mommy, are you still mad?”

“Yes #2, I am.”

#2 then left and came RUNNING back in with the BIGGEST sh*t eating grin on his face. Why? Well because he had found the Orange Rhino sign we made and was flashing it in front of my face.

 “Orange Rhino mommy. Orange Rhino.”

Now I really had to smile. My kids were helping ME be a better mother. I loved it. The 25 minutes before? Not so much. But this minute, I absolutely loved. I had managed to teach my son a lesson (clean up your mess) without losing it and also had taught him that one doesn’t have to yell. What started as a really crappy day was already turning around.

I got in the shower, still smiling. “Maybe I would survive the day afterall?” I thought to myself.

5 minutes later I knew I would. The boys strategically placed their friendly reminders to me in my bed so that I would see them upon getting out of the bathroom.

No caption necessary...

“Brilliant move boys, brilliant. Thanks for your support. It not only means a lot, but it also helps a tremendous amount. Now let’s go clean up the mess that is #2’s bedroom, kay?”

And they actually complied.

Now if only the damn birds would….

107 days without yelling, 258 to go!

Dear Kari,

You asked me a while back, is it worth it? Is it really worth all the extra hard work to not yell? Heck yeah it is. Besides the obvious reasons about how not yelling is better for my children, there is one benefit I never expected. My life feels richer now. I know it sounds hokey, trust me, I know. I am the first person to call something hokey. But it is true. Because now that I am not yelling, I have shared some truly remarkable moments with my kids that I know wouldn’t have happened pre-challenge because I would have been too busy yelling at them. Tonight I had one of those moments. And just thinking about it, well, it brings tears to my eyes.

Not yelling is hard. WICKED wicked hard. But yes, it is so worth it.

The Orange Rhino

*

As I have written before, as much as I love my kids, by the time bedtime rolls around, I am done. I am ready to tuck everyone in, give each boy one last kiss and snuggle, and then shut all the doors and go downstairs to relax. After 7:15pm, if I hear footsteps sneaking out this mama gets pissed. Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I can’t get pissed anymore all because of The Orange Rhino Challenge. I can’t yell and carry on like I am accustomed to doing in such situations. Tonight I was challenged. And tonight I kept my promise. And it made me cry.

I had just settled down on the couch with a nice glass of wine. I was not 10 seconds into a deep thought of “oh, this is nice. It is so quiet” when I heard footsteps slowly making their way down the hall towards the stairs. I knew immediately who they belonged to. #1. Dear, sweet, #1 who loves to sneak out and try to convince us that he needs one more cracker, a sip of ice cold water or better yet, 5 minutes of playing Angry Birds on my husband’s Ipad in order to fall asleep. AS IF.

I ever so gently placed my wine glass down. I was rather deliberate in the gentleness because what I really wanted to do was the throw the glass in the fireplace. I was that annoyed. Let’s just say it has been a looooong week. This Mama is beyond done. Between baby showers, birthday parties, school parties, doctors appointments and unanticipated speech evaluations for two more boys, I just needed some time to decompress tonight. I had no desire to play the cracker/water/ipad/I need to pee/one more book game. My patience tank was empty. My empathy tank was empty. The only thing full was my wine glass and clearly that wasn’t going to be empty soon. I found whatever self control I could muster and headed towards the stairs.

#1 knew I was coming; pretty sure my stomping feet up the stairs gave it away. The soft footsteps I heard moments before turned into a mad dash for his room. All his attempts to not be busted went out the window when he accidentally SLAMMED his door shut. I was pissed before, but now I was REALLY pissed because I was certain the loud bang would wake his brothers. I grabbed the door knob and somewhat aggressively opened the door to his room. I wanted to scream “Get back in BED! NOW!”

But before I could even open my mouth I took one look at his face. He had the look that said, “Mommy don’t yell at me. Something is wrong and that’s why I can’t fall asleep.”

I walked over to his bed, taking deep, agitated breaths that were so loud they could wake his brothers. I was still fuming. But my son’s voice defused the yelling.

I was just about to start in with my bedtime lecture when this shy, concerned and quavering voice said,

“Mommy, will you love me even when I go to heaven?” (um, holy sh*t, I wasn’t prepared for that.)

Tears in my eyes, then, and now,

“Yes, of course. I will always love you.”

“But mommy, will you love me even when you are in heaven?”

“Yes, of course. I will always always love you. Forever and ever.”

“Because you have a big heart mommy???”

“Yes, and because I love you tons and tons. I will never stop loving you.”

“Okay. I love you mommy.”

“I love you too.”

And that was all he needed to hear to fall asleep. “I love you too.”

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

I tucked him in again, gave him another kiss and a hug. A hug that I didn’t want to end. I wanted to hold onto that moment forever. I wanted to hold onto my son forever, for him to feel just how much I love him. For him to feel at ease, for me to feel at ease. The mere thought of him ever being in heaven before me breaks my heart. The mere thought of him even worrying about that broke my heart.

I cried leaving the room. I cried because of the innocence of the conversation. I cried because of the fear that the conversation could be true some day. I cried because I love him so much. I cried because I was so glad that I had that conversation, that I didn’t yell.

All my son needed was to hear me say I love you one more time. I can’t imagine how tonight would have gone down if I when I opened that door I started screaming like I used to. Oh wait, yes I can. He would have started bawling. It would have taken 30 minutes to calm him down. And then he would have fallen asleep upset and still worrying about whether or not I would love him forever. Instead of that, we shared a truly beautiful moment.

So yes, not yelling is worth it. Because in not yelling, I shared this moment with my son. And I don’t think I will ever forget it. Ever.

*

I know many of you feel like you are “failing” this challenge because you didn’t go all day without yelling. But I am sure there has been, or will be, at least one if not more moment(s) on your journey on this Challenge where you didn’t yell and in turn had an amazing moment with your child, a moment that you’ll remember forever. What was that moment? Whenever you feel frustrated, remember that moment. And remind yourself all the hard work is worth it. For extra guidance on your journey to add more of those amazing moments to your days, check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” Part personal memoir, part parenting guide, fully supportive, my book hits shelves October 2014 but you can pre-order it now. Check out the details here! 

105 days without yelling, 250 to go! 

Dear Long Days, Short Years,

This one is for you! Yup, more than half the time my yelling has nothing to do with my kids but everything to do with myself. I think that is what makes it so hard – to not yell means to admit that I need to deal with myself too! Ugh, you mean I have to take responsibility for my behavior and not always blame the kids?!

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

*

I almost kissed day 105 goodbye today. Just like that. No advance warning really. The kids weren’t on my nerves. The day was going fineish. All of a sudden I almost SCREAMED at them.

Why? Were they yelling? Nope. Were they hurting each other? Nope. Were they picking on each other?  Nope. (Not at this point at least). They were just being kids – running around outside knocking bamboo shoots down in the backyard and slamming the kitchen door as they came in and out with their wet muddy boots excited to tell me they were “saving” the swing set from the overgrown bamboo.

Truly, they really weren’t on my nerves. I actually found their teamwork to “saw” down the bamboo very cute and their dedication to the “very urgent matter” adorable.

And then the phone rang. It was my husband calling to remind me to pay bills.

As soon as I hung up the phone, the kitchen door slammed again as three pair of squeaky boots sloshed across the kitchen to go save the swing set. Door slam, enter anger. My blood started boiling. I put the baby down and started walking rather briskly and loudly to open the aforementioned slammed door to yell at my boys.

My mouth opened and just as my non-orange rhino voice got ready to scream “ENOUGH ALREADY. CLOSE THE FRIGGIN’ DOOR. YOU ARE EITHER IN OR YOU’RE OUT. AND GET READY TO HELP ME CLEAN THE FLOOR!” this “cute little orange rhino” with four birds popped into my head and said to me:

 “Don’t do it. Don’t yell! You are not really mad at the kids. You are just overwhelmed and frustrated because well crap, you don’t feel like paying the bills and checking the budget, it’s just one more thing to do today and double crap you can’t seem to get anything done today and triple crap, you just don’t want to do it in the first place. Oh, and don’t forget you are just extra on edge because #4 has been in your arms crying for 30 minutes. Straight. ”

Well, that “cute little orange rhino” was right. I wasn’t annoyed at the kids. I was just so frustrated at that moment that my patience and tolerance (one in the same?) went from decent to virtually non-existent.  My anger had nothing to do with my boys. Nothing. Was the door slamming loud and obnoxious? Yes. Was the floor going to be a pain to clean, for the third time that day? Yes. But did those two things really matter? Did they really make me so mad that I wanted to yell? Nope. I was just in a twit and easily agitated.

As a matter of fact, I’ve found much more often than not that when I suddenly feel like I want to yell that it has nothing to do with the kids but that it has to do with me. That one of my personal triggers has been set off.

Today’s winning trigger? Having too much to do. It gets me in a twit every time. Without fail. About once a day. On a good day. Every day the “cute little orange rhino” comes and has a talk with me reminding me I am not angry at the kids, that I am just in a twit, that I just have to admit that one of my personal triggers has been set off.  The little orange rhino (ok, me) then mentally goes through my list of triggers that I outlined weeks ago until I realize AHA! That is why I am twitting. That is why I want to yell. It really isn’t my kids making me want to scream! It’s blah, blah blah…

Slowly revealing all my personal triggers that make me want to yell...

It’s hard to admit sometimes that I am the problem and not my kids. But what is EASY is now that I have taken the time to list MY triggers, it is EASY to identify them and EASIER (emphasis on the -ER) to stop them from setting off a full force volcanic eruption.

So there you have it. That is how I stop one of my personal triggers from going off – I talk to myself, in my head and out loud! I simply acknowledge the real trigger and then I actually say it out loud. “I am not mad at the kids, I am just overwhelmed by having too much to do.” Or “I am not mad at #4 I just wish I could understand him better.” Or “I am not mad at my kids I am just tired from going out last night and um, drinking too much wine with my girlfriends.”

There is something “magical” about saying it out loud, about hearing myself admit why I am really  angry/annoyed/twitting, why it isn’t the kid’s fault. I wish I could say why it works, but I can’t. I can just say that it does.I *think* because it stops me in my tracks, forces me to refocus my attention AWAY from my kids and back onto problem solving. Onto finding an alternative to yelling, like stomping my feet, splashing cold water on my face or any other silly distraction that hits me at the moment. And sometimes, no alternative is needed. Just hearing myself say out loud that I am not mad at my kids IS the alternative to yelling!

Now if my kids are legitimately the source of my anger (oh say like tonight, when #2 looked #3 squarely in the eyes and then pinched him for no reason), then I have an entirely different method of handling. I’ll save that for another rainy day….

May 17, 2012

100 days down, 265 to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos!

I think I am still in shock from the last 48 hours. My heart is pounding, my face has a frozen  sh*t eating grin, and I feel all jittery inside! I am totally humbled and excited and overwhelmed and scared all at the same time about all the interest The Orange Rhino Challenge received today! Normally we get about 80 reads per day at our site. Right now with 4ish hours remaining in the day WE are at 892. That is 10+x more than normal!

All because of you all sharing about the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day. I am so touched that people I know, and don’t know, have decided to support me in my promise to my boys to not yell at them for 365 days. And more so, MUCH MORE SO I am thrilled to see that other people are taking the challenge too.

It’s time to TOOT OUR RHINO HORN, loud and proud!!!

 We spread the word people about something we all are passionate about – loving our kids more. Because that is what really is at the root of this challenge. Yelling less and LOVING MORE. So today I don’t just celebrate 100 days of not yelling. I celebrate 100 days of LOVING MORE.

As promised, in celebration of today, I will be donating $1.00 per person who participated today up to $200. While only about 40 people literally posted I KNOW that we had at least 200 people reading and actively trying not to yell. So I WILL be donating $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity, a “nonprofit… founded on the conviction that every man, woman and child should have a decent, safe and affordable place to live.” (Habitat for Humanity website). Do you hear that? That’s my Tooting my Rhino Horn to you all. You made that donation happen. Thank you.

As I mentioned in another post, I chose Habitat for Humanity because my Orange Rhino Epiphany was the result of a handyman fixing my house. I’m eternally grateful for that moment. That moment I got caught by the handyman SCREAMING at the top of my lungs to my four kiddos that I love so much. That moment changed my life. And it changed my boys’ lives. And I dream that it will impact my future grandkids lives too. Because I *hope* that my not yelling will trickle down through my sons to future generations. That more loving and less yelling will be felt in the Orange Rhino Family for years and years to come. Here’s hoping. Here’s hoping.

Can you feel the love being passed from Mom to Child?

Cheers (or should I snort?!)

The Orange Rhino

*
Wondering what the heck “Toot your Rhino Horn” is all about?

“Toot your Rhino Horn” is your turn to share your progress and by the way, JUST thinking about taking the challenge counts. That is a step in the right direction. That is progress!  

Here’s how it works. Every night I will post on the www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino the following…

“It’s time to Toot your Rhino Horn!”

Under that, in the comments section please post your name and the days you’ve completed on The Orange Rhino Challenge, ie, “Elaine – Day 5, Take 1” or “Elaine – Day 1, Take 9”

The way I see it, you deserve to Toot your Rhino Horn just by participating. I can NOT say this enough. This is hard, hard, hard! Don’t discount yourself if you had a bad day. Instead, share and find support and advice (if you want it!)

So whether you’ve completed 15 days or are starting Day 1 over again (for the 9th time, like me in the Beginning), you deserve to post your name for everyone to see that you are trying to be an Orange Rhino. That you are trying to be a mom (or dad) who has the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without yelling!

Remember, each day is a new day…if you have a bad day, like I did on Day 1 Take 7, don’t beat yourself up. Just keep coming back to this page for the support. I’m getting the sense that you’ll, WE’LL, find it!

And always, remember,

“Act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face which turns us from failure towards success.”
~Dorothea Brande

There is NO FAILURE in the Orange Rhino Challenge. None. Only success. Any parent trying to love more is succeeding. Big time.

So please join me tonight and TOOT YOUR RHINO HORN!