If there’s a will…there is a way.

119 days down, a lot to go!

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for letting me post my 1000 blog Monday night! I really thought you were going to tell me to take a hike, that it was too long but alas, you accepted it. You helped proved me point – if there is a will, there is a way.

So glad you are my friend,
The Orange Rhino

So today I started writing a post about Weight Loss. Believe it or not it has A LOT to do with learning to not yell. A lot. The parallels are frightening actually. And it is something on my mind right now. One of my personal triggers to yelling is feeling crappy about my weight. Huh? Well if I feel overweight my clothes feel tight. When my clothes feel tight I pull at them all day. When I pull at my clothes I am reminded that they are tight because I gained weight. When I remember that I gained weight I immediately feel disappointed in myself for gaining weight. Then my self-confidence takes a hit and I become so pre-occupied with feeling crappy that everything pisses me off. And well right now, my clothes are REALLY tight and I REALLY want to yell. Both at the kids and myself. And I don’t want to yell nice things. I want to yell mean things especially to myself:

“Why can’t you get it together?!”
“Why can’t you find self control?”
“Why can’t you stay focused, stay determined?”
“Why do you keep quitting?”
“Don’t you want to do this? Isn’t it important to you??”

Wait, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell?!

After this chit chat, a new conversation with myself starts…

“That’s it. Today is the day. I am taking the Weight Watchers calculator back out and I am tracking what I eat. And I am going to lose this weight come hell or high water. “

And so I try again. To find focus, determination, will power, strength. Because starting the day by getting out of the shower to feel the jiggle of my thighs followed by seeing the ripples in the mirror is so NOT the way to start the day. I like to start the day feeling confident in myself, not disappointed in myself.

Everyday since January I make it about ¾ of the way through the day doing great with my points and then I want to eat crappy food…and I do.

Why?

Well it tastes good and it seems to take the stress away. It seems to wake me up from my sleep deprived state. It seems to make me feel happy if I am feeling preoccupied at that moment. But it only is good for about 20 minutes. Then BAM! The crappy food makes me feel crappy inside.  And the cycle starts again:

Why can’t I do this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop eating crappy?

And then the vicious cycle kicks in.

I feel crappy that I lost my self control.

So I eat.

Then I feel crappy even more so.

So I eat some more.

Then I think well, since I can’t seem to get it together, since I can’t find control, I might as well not try. Screw it. I’ll eat crappy the rest of the day and start again first thing tomorrow morning.

Well of course all this thinking just makes me feel crappier and crappier by the day to the point where my self confidence has now taken such a hit from the mental feeling disappointed in myself attack that now I don’t even want to try to lose weight because I have 1) gained more than the original 10 pounds I was trying to lose and 2) because it feels like an even bigger battle that I fear I can’t conquer.

BUT OF COURSE this is bullshit. I do want to lose weight. I am just frustrated because it is HARD work. Because it takes constant effort, because it takes patience, because it doesn’t give immediate results.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell???

Anywho, I asked my husband the other day why can’t I lose the weight this time? Why was I able to find the motivation, the drive, the self control, the strength after college, after the other three pregnancies but not this one? What is wrong with me? I know I am older, but still. What gives?

His answer?

It isn’t a priority. Losing weight isn’t a priority for you right now. Your weight might not be where you want it, but it isn’t horrific. So it bothers you but not enough to motivate you to make it a priority. And besides, because you are older it takes more work to lose the weight so you aren’t getting immediate results which kills your motivation. And besides, because you have 4 kids not 3, you are busier and getting to the gym is harder, taking long family walks, is harder, getting the sleep you need, is harder. So even if it WAS a priority it still would be harder than before.

Harumph. He is kind of right. It isn’t a priority because I am not letting it be. But to me, it is a priority I am just too frustrated to make it a real one. I am too frustrated to try. The problem with that mentality? It takes me no where good fast.  I’ve been there before. In college I gave up and gained 50 pounds. I quit because it was easier than trying. I had a bad day? Who cares? What difference does it make at this point, I’ve already gained 40 pounds, give me 3 scoops of ice cream.

It took me meeting my husband after college and thinking, “I want a family with this guy, I want to run around and play with our kids in the backyard and I can’t at this weight” to realize, crap, I need to change. It took me getting caught yelling at my four boys to realize, crap, I need to change. Why do I always let things get out of control before I make a change?

Not this time. I am writing this blog tonight to say to myself. ENOUGH. STOP THE CYCLE. Stop it now. You can do this Orange Rhino. You CAN make the tough choices. Because it is important to you. Because your kids are important to you.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning not to yell?