Nov

2012

“I will survive!”

Posted on November 9, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Friday’s Favorite Song #3…

Yesterday, after a mere two hours of being up with all my boys and a whopping 11 to go, I started writing an email to my husband. “Dear hubby, I don’t think I will survive this day.” Then I paused. I read my words and pressed delete. I realized that with that defeatist attitude, yeah, I wouldn’t survive, that my thoughts would indeed become reality. And then Gloria Ga

ynor popped into my head. Yes, this power outage is getting to me. Before I knew it I was humming…”I will survive. Hey hey!”

So there you have it, today’s song is “I Will Survive!” I am pretty sure we all know the words but just in case, here are a few key lines for you to hum on a bad day:

“…did I crumble \ Did I lay down and die \ oh not, not I! I will survive! \
Oh and as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive \
I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my love to give \ and I’ll survive! \
I will survive! Hey, hey! \ It took all the strength I had not to fall apart \ … \ And spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry! \ But now I hold my head up high. \ and you see me somebody new!

Happy Friday and weekend…you will survive!

Nov

2012

A personal struggle (yes, another one!)

Posted on November 8, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook when we had no power…and as I copy and paste it here and re-read it I want to make clear that this post is about ME and my struggles, not my boys!

A post not about yelling, but about a personal struggle (hopefully a familiar one?) That stresses me. So I guess it is indirectly about yelling then isn’t it?

People keep asking me…why don’t you go and stay somewhere else? Why don’t you go to a hotel, a friends, grandparents, anywhere there is power? The reasons are quite simple. As to grandparents or a hotel, well, it would actually be more work and more stress to take four kiddos to a place without their toys, their beds, their comfort. Yes on occasion it’s fun to go to grandma’s or on vacation. But when it is unplanned and unknown how long we will be gone? No, that is too much for me. And for my kids quite frankly. They, I, need as much routine, as much familiarity as I, we, can muster.

And as to going to a friend’s house, well, this is where I wonder if I am alone. I am deathly terrified of taking my kids to a friend’s house. Terrified they will misbehave, they will be too loud, they won’t be polite, that they won’t be as good as my friend’s kids. It is so bad that I hardly ever truly relax when visiting a friend because my anxiety that one of my boys will act out scares the bejeebers out of me.Yes I know. This probably sounds ridiculous. Not just because real friends don’t judge but because kids are kids. But still I worry. I fret. I fear. I struggle because I don’t know anyone who has children like mine, or rather because I have never witnessed friend’s children acting like mine. I haven’t seen sensory attacks, screaming attacks, hyper attacks anywhere but in my own home and it is isolating. Ever so isolating.

And so I isolate myself even further. I say yes as much as I can, on days when I have the strength and patience to parent my best. I say yes on the days when I know WE will have a good day, when I won’t be embarrassed when my boys are more apt to not have an “attack.” I say yes when I can but also, I say no a lot. I have gotten a lot better these last two years as I have grown to know my boys, as I have learned how to read them better and help them more. As I have grown as a parent but still. Again. I say no a lot just because I am terrified of what people will think of me as a parent.

Which begs the question: is the problem that my kids behavior is legitimately embarrassing or that I am legitimately insecure? It’s probably a little bit of both but more the insecurity, don’t you think?

Do you feel insecure about your kid’s behavior? Ever?

Nov

2012

Hurricane Sandy and more chances to practice

Posted on November 6, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Hi Orange Rhinos.

Today’s riddle is brought to you today by Digavise.

Which is longer? A year without yelling? Or a week with young kids and no power?

I’m not sure either! Our Orange Rhino is still without power and unable to post to the blog, though I’m sure the posts post-power-restoration are going to be amazing!

The good news is that she is still able to post to Facebook, so if you head over there, you can help find the humor in this situation and help her count down to the restoration of power.

Nov

2012

Don’t yell, make Bananas Foster?

Posted on November 6, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written November 6, Day ??? without power

And a funny story for tonight to lighten up the mood of this page.

So obviously 8 days no power is getting to me. Tonight ’round about 4:30ish as the house was starting to darken and I needed to get everything ready for dinner and bedtime while I had lights someone opened the door to the COLD cold outside and left it open. As they ALL ran around in and out screaming and laughing and having a jolly ‘ole good time. Two seconds before I went bezerk they ran in, slammed the door shut and continued calling each other po*py heads and laughin hysterically. I was so annoyed I wanted to scream, like off my charts scream. I opened my mouth, felt the tickle start in my throat and felt the roar travel up my throat. I immediately grabbed the closest thing I could and squeezed…turns out it was a week old rotten banana. SMOOSH! Wet, sticky banana smooshed through my fingers and dripped out onto the counter and floor. What a mess it was! What a mess I am. What a dork I am because immediately after the harsh realization that I am inching towards losing it (despite all my positive feelings), all I could think of was vanilla ice cream and the necessary makings for Bananas Foster dessert 🙂

Nov

2012

When it’s dark, you can see the Stars…

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook November 5th, day ??? without power

What’s on my mind facebook asks? Well first I am thrilled I figured out how to post as The Orange Rhino from my phone. Yeah! And second, well, here is my second.

Tonight I went outside flashlight in hand desperately searching for #3’s winter hat. You all know him to be a tad OCD about his belongings and well, since we made him wear a hat one night to stay warm he hasn’t let it leave his head. Until today. It was bedtime and it couldn’t be found anywhere. I feared a meltdown more than anything so I trekked outside looking for said hat.

I didn’t find it. But I found something perhaps more amazing. The stars. As the fresh, cold air hit me in the face and I smelled all the fires burning I couldn’t help but stop and take it all in. It was so peaceful. Not a car rushing down the street. Not a streetlight shining. Not a kid running around. It was pure awesomeness. And then I looked up. Oh the stars. So abundant and clear and sparkling. I love seeing the stars at night and oh how I miss visiting “the country” where I can see the stars every night. You see, here in the burbs, with all the lights it is hard to see the stars. But as you know, right now, I am without light. My street is without lights. But I am not without stars.

It was (is?) Totally dark tonight and I got to see the stars. And it made me so very happy, so very calm and yet alive.

You all know that I am a cheeseball who loves inspirational quotes. Tonight’s search for the hat turned moment of peace reminded me of a favorite quote of mine from high school. Something like “only when it is dark can you see the stars.”

Well right now folks, its dark. But I am seeing stars, literally. And it is keeping me going. So I offer this story up to you in terms of this challenge (because we all know I love to bring things back to “the challenge.”) When it is dark – when you want to yell and kick and scream and lose it, look for the stars. Look for the beauty in your children. Look for love. Find it. It is there. And it will help you survive that moment. And if it doesn’t work right away, keep trying. It is like looking for constellations – it takes practice to see things a certain way. But it IS possible.

I’m off to stargaze. Again. Because looking at stars is way better than sitting in the dark. Again.

Nov

2012

Do I want to be miserable or not?

Posted on November 4, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook November 4, Day 7 without power…

Hello again! I’m on night 7 of no power and I appreciate you all staying with me and sharing such supportive comments the other night. While what I am going to write right now is theoretically about my current situation it actually applies to this challenge too, and any difficult situation in life. As grateful as I am feeling, I have finally hit the wall. I spent lots of moments today feeling angry and frustrated and annoyed at the situation.

Both my husband and I are fed up and tired and I am pretty sure we are going to lose it with each other and the kids soon if we don’t see at least 1 truck working SOON. As in, like first thing tomorrow morning. But in the middle of all my silent b****ing and moaning this morning, in the middle of a moment when I really wanted to scream at my kids just because I am that on edge, I remembered something I learned at the beginning of this challenge. I have a choice. I can spend all day pissed off and yelling and feeling really miserable as I wallow in self pity OR I can choose to feel only partially miserable.

For so many years of my life I opted for the really miserable. That seemed easier and more comforting at the time. Looking back I am not sure why I ever thought that! But today, and the last 267ish days I’ve CHOSEN the better choice for me, the less miserable choice. It’s hard to make – but it does feel better. How do I make that choice? I find whatever I can to feel positive about (like unexpected family time together). Hokey I know. Again, its taken YEARS to train myself to think this way (and to admit that my mom, who has been drilling this in my head for years, was right). But it works. So that’s what I have for you tonight. Not feeling cranky is a choice. I chose it today. Not yelling is a choice. I also chose that path today, like a thousand times I think! Under the circumstances, both choices were hard as h*ll but equally rewarding as h*ll. And tomorrow morning when I wake up cold and cranky and pissed the kids again missed the memo about daylight savings (argh!) I’ll re-read this. Until then, a nice glass of wine and a fire await. Sleep well!

Nov

2012

Hurricane Sandy – filled with emotion and gratitude

Posted on November 2, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook November 2nd, day 5 without power

Hello friends and shall I say family? Because in many ways you all feel like family as I have told you and trusted you with many of my deepest emotions! I tried to write today “formally” but am honestly too overwhelmed with emotion to get what’s in my mind and my heart out. So alas, as I sit here in the dark listening to the crackle of the fire and the buzzing of the generator that we were able to rent and run a few hours a night so we can keep the house at 55, I thought I would write to you all “casually.” Hi. We are holding up. I find myself wanting to cry a few times a day though, I’m not going to lie. You all know me to be emotional and this devastation certainly has brought that part of me alive. I keep asking myself why do I keep fighting back tears? Why? Is it because the house is cold, the food blah, the kids stir crazy, my routine gone? NO. I want to cry because I am so grateful. Because I am so lucky. I see trees on houses all around me. I hear sirens every 20 minutes. I see moms with week old babies waiting in line for coffee, food. I get stopped by an elderly man to get directions to the hospital because his wife, in the front seat isn’t feeling well, clearly from the cold, the stress. I, we, my family are lucky. And for that I feel so grateful, yet so guilty. Because while it is bad here and no sign of a power truck in sight, I know it is worse elsewhere. And that just breaks my heart. Do I write this to make you all feel guilty? NO. Please don’t!!! I write because it helps me process the craziness that is around me. I write because it is what I normally do and right now, I crave just a little bit of normal more than anything…(P.S. Thanks for reading and letting me emote.)

Oct

2012

Tracking my Triggers

Posted on October 28, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

260 days without yelling, 105 days of loving more to go!

Dear Hurricane Sandy,

Please blow over, no pun intended. I’ve been tracking you for days so that I can know what kind of problems you’ll bring, when to expect your wrath and what I need in order to handle the situation properly, or at least the best that I am able. All this tracking got me thinking back to the first days of this challenge when all I did was track. So while I know you are going to be a pain in my a*s the next few days I do thank you for inspiring tonight’s post and getting me to finally write it as it has been an idea lurking in my mind for months.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

The similarities to tracking a hurricane and tracking my triggers for yelling are pretty remarkable. I would track, track, track my triggers so that I could be prepared for my own storm path; so that I could know what problems would cause me to yell, when precisely I would yell, and what I needed to have in the future to be ready, mentally, in order to prevent major “storm” damage. Guess what? All the tracking? It really helped me prepare.

Yes, storms brewed in the early days. OH DID THEY EVER. I think I texted my friends five to seven times a day saying “I’m gonna lose it” and they would write back “No!! Don’t do it! You can hold it together!” But after a few days writing down all the times I yelled or wanted to yell, I saw patterns. I saw that I yelled at the same times of day. I saw that I yelled whenever I felt rushed. I saw that I yelled whenever I had my blackberry in hand, if I had just had a disagreement with my husband.

Were the findings discouraging? YES. Because there were a lot of areas of improvement and because there were a lot of findings that I never would have guessed, like how much a simple conversation about “weekend plans” with my hubby could put me in such a mood that I would yell at any child for no reason.

But just knowing the triggers, knowing that there were easy things I could now fix and yell less, like putting out snacks the night before, and knowing that there were things that I could personally CHANGE about me, well, you know what they say. Knowledge is power. This knowledge brought me clarity. It brought me a path. I don’t the technical, PhD. Study, formal rationale for why knowing a problem and labeling it makes it easier, but in this case, it did.

As I tracked more I found myself yelling less and texting my friends for support less.

Maybe it was as simple as seeing all the times I yelled on paper? Maybe that just was so ugly it really scared me and motivated me? (I know that works for me with weight loss – if I track what I eat for a week. WHOA NELLY. Suddenly I realize how bad I was and I get back on track.)

I don’t entirely know the answer for why tracking is such a powerful tool. Again, I am not a professional. I am just a mom trying to figure it all out. I don’t why tracking worked, but it did. It worked wonders – just like tracking and preparing for a Hurricane. I now know the storm is hitting tonight and I am prepared, as well as I can be. I have alcohol for after the long days (haha), I have caffeine for the long days (haha), I have canned goods, flashlights, water and more. I tracked, I got informed, and I am prepared. This storm will not take me by surprise and I am ready.

So tonight, in honor of Hurricane Sandy, I share with you my best attempt at a “professional” Trigger Tracking sheet. It is pretty close to what I wrote down and how I handle the information. I am a dork. These attachments will make that clear. But they helped me. They were integral to my figuring out how to stop yelling. Because once I looked at the “data” and could figure out a plan, I attacked each trigger one by one. And as I yelled less, I felt better. So I attacked 2 new triggers. And mastered those. And it just grew and grew and grew.

DOWNLOAD these two sheets below to see how I tracked my triggers and got on the path of not yelling!

Trigger Tracking Sheet Example (this is my best replica of what I wrote down in the beginning)

Trigger Tracking Sheet (a blank version if you want to print and try tracking yourself!)

Oct

2012

To my Son: I won’t give up on us

Posted on October 26, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

258 days without yelling, 107 days of loving more!
Friday’s Favorite Song #2

Dear Jason,

Thanks for writing this song. Whenever I hear it, even if intended for a girlfriend or something, I think of my son, of our relationship and am reminded not only to not give up, but more powerfully of just how deep my love for my son is. Even when the skies are rough. And let me tell you, my love for my son is deep. Sure he has thrown a thing or two at me, but it isn’t every day. He has phases – some days the skies are rough but most days they are beautiful. And when those days are beautiful they are as picture perfect as a sunrise. Look what my son drew on a peaceful, spur of the moment?

“A picture of a man walking on the beach at sunset.”

Or how about this flower, made orange just because of my blog?

Or how about that his favorite color is now orange, not red?

Yes, the skies can be rough, but they can also be breathtakingly beautiful. Beyond words. Because what comes with intense (negative) emotions are also intense positive emotions, like love and lots of it. My son loves me fiercely. His heart is bigger than what I imagined a kid’s to be. He has a grasp of empathy second to none. And that is why I won’t give up on him, on us. Our love is too strong.

So thanks for the beautiful song; it’s touched my heart in a way you cannot imagine and that is why it is my Favorite Song this Friday.

Best,
The Orange Rhino

*
“I won’t give up”
by Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far (you have my son, you have)
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us (you and me kid, we can do this)
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating (to learn how to handle yourself, to grow)
I’ll be here patiently waiting (when you need help, I’ll be here)
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn (together, we’ll figure this out)
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily (and I won’t)
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make (however long it takes)
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You’re still my friend at least we didn’t tend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking up

I won’t give up on us
God knows I’m tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up…

Not sure what Favorite Song Friday is all about? Read here: You’re not Alone

Oct

2012

Looking for compassion when all I feel is anger

Posted on October 25, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

257 days without yelling, 108 days of loving more to go!

Dear Judgment,

Do not find my son or me after this post. Writing this was hard. I barely scratched the surface; I basically tip toed around the issues because I don’t want to write about them (too hard? too embarrassed?) and because I know you exist. I know that no matter what, you will sadly be put on my son and me. And I don’t want that, because our struggles right now are hard enough. I don’t need people thinking I am a bad parent or that he is a bad kid. Because he isn’t. He is a gift to me, to this world. He, just like all of us, has some struggles. So please go bestow yourself upon someone else, like a celebrity wearing a horrific dress.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

I just can’t take it anymore.

I am trying so hard to be patient, to be understanding, to be loving, to be calm but I just can’t take it anymore. The defiance, the anger, the anxiety, the belligerence, the disrespect, the hitting, kicking, spitting, throwing, all the sh*t that comes with having sensory issues, all the sh*t that comes with being wonderfully emotional.

Any of it and all of it.

I can’t take another day of it.

Because it is hard, exhausting, demoralizing and heartbreaking.

I love my son, I really do. But right now, this moment, this day, this week, this MONTH I am so not in love with his behavior. Even though I understand the source of it, even though I have witnessed it all before and know that we have learned how to work through it, even though I know it isn’t intentional per say, but that it’s his way of saying “Mommy, I’m struggling and I need help” I still can’t take another day of it.

I know that my son doesn’t handle change well and that three major changes at once were an absolute attack on his system. I know that he is a perfectionist and that having to perform at school is an absolute attack on his system. I know that having three loud brothers running around him, testing his sensory issues, is a constant attack on his system. I know that mommy getting more and more frustrated with him is an attack on his system.

I know that in order to help him I need to not yell, to not raise my voice, to not hit him.

I know I need to show no response, positive or negative, that I just need to remain completely calm as he punches me in the face (accidentally or not). That I need to remain calm as he throws a scooter at me. That I need to remain calm as he says to me “I hate you so much I want to shoot you” or “I’m so angry I want to scratch my face until it bleeds.”

Yes, I know I need to remain calm, but right now, honestly, all I want to do is punch him back, throw the scooter back, scream at him “I HATE IT WHEN YOU ARE LIKE THIS!”

I hate when I can’t help you without worry of being hurt.
I hate when you scare me with your words, with your pain.
I hate that you are struggling so much and clearly want to stop the madness, but can’t.
I hate that no other parent seems to have a child like this, that I feel completely alone.
I hate that I am embarrassed by your behavior because people don’t understand you, us.
I hate that I understand your behavior because I have the same struggles.
I hate that I taught you to throw when angry, to yell nastily when angry.

I hate it all so much.

And yet I love you so much.

And that is what I hate the most.

Because right now, all I want do is find compassion and love and instead all I am finding is anger. Lots and lots of anger. And it is spilling into every aspect of my life. I am shorter and shorter with not just you, but your brothers. I am eating and eating and eating, trying to suffocate the anger which just makes me feel worse. And oh am I closer and closer to doing something a lot worse than yelling, something I would regret for the rest of my life (hitting him, that is).

I want to just grab my son in my arms and rock him like a baby. I want to just cry with him, to tell him that it will get easier, that the need to do something right the first time will ease up, that all the noise will soften, that the inability to stop a sensory attack once it starts will get easier.

But I can’t.

Because I am thirty something and I am still figuring it all out.

I can’t cry with my son and comfort him because I don’t know what to tell him except that I can’t take another day of it.

“It” being seeing him in pain and feeling such anger towards him.

I love him too much to have such anger towards him.

So today I will find compassion, no matter how hard I have to look for it because that is what he needs right now. I will stop judging him, his behavior, and start focusing on the wonderfully emotional and loving kid that he is. I will tell him that I will endure as many hard moments and hard days and hard months with him as I need to because I love him. And I will cry with him too and tell him it will get better, that as hard as it is I won’t give up on him, on us.

Tomorrow is Favorite Song Friday and the song I will share is a beautiful complement to this post and appropriately so will be dedicated to my son. Check back tomorrow for it! And thank you for not judging.