120 days down, 245 to go!

Dear Husband,

Thank you for being my #1 supporter along with our boys on this little Orange Rhino endeavor.  Your unwavering support amazes me and I am quite grateful…especially since lately I know I haven’t been giving you the same love and support back. Since lately I know I have been prioritizing kids and myself and forgetting that you TOO are a priority. I know I don’t show it nearly as much as I should but I do love you with all my heart and you still are my one and only love. For so many reasons. But one good one is this little getaway we are on right now. You sensed that we were getting into that little “place” we go to every 15 to 18 months or so. The “place” where we are not as connected as we wish, as we need to be, the “place” where we just go along accepting things as is, not actively trying to make them better. The “place” where we stop communicating and start bickering. A lot. The “place” where our kids stop seeing loving parents but complacent, distant parents. The “place” where I start doubting us. I hate that “place.” I hate it when we fall into what I affectionately call “our little marriage rut.” While we both are great at seeing the red flags YOU are the one who excels at doing something about it. About taking action. About making sure we get away just the two of us to get back on track. And for that I am grateful. SO grateful. We desperately needed a jolt to get out of our rut and you made it happen. Thank you.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

Ruts. They suck. Whether it be a marriage rut, an I’m unhappy rut, an I’m not losing weight rut, or an I’m yelling too much rut, they suck. They suck because the negative feelings attract more negative feelings. They suck because to get out of said rut I need to admit I am in one, I need to admit that I have made a mistake, that I am frustrated, that something is wrong, or that is nothing is wrong per say but that changes need to happen.  They suck because as if admitting I am in a rut isn’t hard enough, I have to then find the courage, the strength and the commitment to get out of the rut. I have to find a way to WORK HARD despite all the oppressive forces against me encouraging me to stay complacent, to stay in the rut because even though it isn’t always a happy place it doesn’t require work per say.

But I know staying in a rut doesn’t lead to good things. And boy do I know that getting out of a rut is hard, hard, hard, pure and simple.

I am not great at acknowledging ruts until I am in so deep that I need a serious Epiphany to wake me the hell up. Strike that. I am great at acknowledging them. I am not great at getting out. Because it feels so overwhelming, so daunting. Because acknowledging the need for change is one thing, making change happen is a whole separate story.

Before I started The Orange Rhino Challenge I was totally in a parenting rut. I yelled way too much and I didn’t like it. There were red flags everywhere that change needed to happen, the kids individual behavior, their behavior towards each other, their response to me, their NOT responding to me. Oh were the red flags a waving that the yelling needed to go, that I was in a rut, but I didn’t know how to get out, I didn’t know how to change. So I kept yelling and that made me more annoyed so the rut grew and the amount I yelled grew. To this day I am grateful to Larry the contractor for giving me the jolt I needed to get out of my yelling rut.

And today I am grateful to my husband, the take-action-guru, for giving us the jolt we needed to get out of our current marriage “rut.” Because not only was it not good for us, it wasn’t good for the kids. Not just because they weren’t seeing positive role models in parents as a loving couple (loving parents, yes? loving couple, debatable) but because I was feeling such disconnect with my husband that at times during the day if my boys looked at me wrong while I was in lalaland thinking about rut-ville I oopsie snapped. For no reason. Well for real reason. Because I was feeling scared about the current state of my marriage. Not because I was mad at my boys. One of my worst triggers for snapping at my kids? Being stuck in a rut. In a marriage rut, a weight loss rut, an I am losing friends rut. Whatever rut it is that I am in at any given time makes me so mentally preoccupied that I snap at my kids. Not cool.

Look, ruts happen. Marriage is HARD work. Parenting is HARD work. But just because ruts happen doesn’t me I have to stay in one. I just need to remind myself that I am an Orange Rhino. That if I could find the strength and determination and COURAGE to get out of the 3.5 year yelling rut, that I can keeping finding that same strength and determination and courage to create change whenever I get in another rut. Whatever kind it is.

Note: I still continue to be amazed how my journey of learning not to yell is positively impacting all aspects of my life as a mom, a wife, a friend and more. Still considering taking the challenge but too daunted? Let this be your jolt. Did you feel that?! That was the Orange Rhino Horn gently poking you in the back, encouraging you to create change….

Note #2: I know I am supposed to be on vacation connecting with my husband. I am. He is the one who encouraged me to write. 

112 days down, 253 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I would love to write something inspiring and useful tonight. Or even just something funny or interesting. Shoot, I would just like to write something, anything period.

But I can’t. I simple don’t have the time. It turns out that I am not Superwoman after all and that I don’t have 24 hours in a day to get stuff done. Darnnit, I really thought I was! So instead please share any questions you have below in the comments section or share any requests for topic matter for my posts.

Shiver me timbers, I’m off to frost Pirate Cupcakes for my son’s 4th Birthday in school and to prepare for the Alphabet Treasure Hunt. So much to do, too few hours to do it all. Why can’t I be superwoman? It would certainly make life easier!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

111 days down, 254 to go…

Dear Birds outside my son’s window,

I get that because you are a bird, you live in a nest, in a tree. I get that because you are a bird, when the sun rises, you rise. I get that because you are a bird, you make bird noises. These are all things birds do. But what I don’t get dear birdies, is why the h*ll you think it is necessary to make a nest in the tree right by #2’s window and then rise with the sun at 5:00 am and chirp chirp CHIRP waking him up. I mean really, WTF. I know you are a bird and not human, but you have babies too right? Don’t you get annoyed when they wake up too early? Don’t you ever want to sleep in until, say 6:00 am? Well I sure as h*ll do. So please. PLEASE stop chirping so darn early. Let #2 sleep in because when he wakes the whole house up and it ain’t pretty and it makes me want to CHIRP really, really loud.  And I can’t. So back off with the early chirping. Please.

Sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

*

We have early risers in our house. Always have, always will. But never before 5:30. Until recently. # 2 has taken to waking with the birds at 5:00 am. We have told him repeatedly that he has to stay in his room and remain quiet until his yellow sun alarm clock goes off at 6:00. Well, that is great in theory but not if he has to go to the bathroom. Which was the case this past Saturday. He woke up at 5, thanks to the birds, and then proceeded to open his door and LOUDLY stomp into the bathroom.

Okay, no biggie I think to myself. He is just peeing. I roll over and try to fall back to sleep.

“Mommy, I pooped. Come wipe me.” He hollered.

Shit. No pun intended. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the hall, and took care of business followed by a little talk.

“#2, it is still night time. Go back to your room, get back in bed and be quiet.”

“But mom, the birds are up. It is daytime.”

“Not in this house it isn’t. Back to bed.”

10 minutes pass.

I hear a creak and then footsteps all followed by a knock.

“Hey #1, you ‘wake? Let’s play.”

Too tired to parent, I ignored it and thought to myself “whatever, I just want to sleep.” I rolled over to my husband and said “you go deal with it, or I’ll yell.” His response, “I’m sleeping and besides you can’t yell you are The Orange Rhino.” Seriously? Seriously? So neither one of us got up.

Well clearly that was a BAD idea.

5 minutes later I hear massive laughter. I can handle two kids being up early, but not 4. I race into the room to stop the noise only to find it destroyed – they had decided to make a fort out of the bed and pitch it up with piles of books and lego towers. I took one look and closed the door.

I was still too tired to parent, and way too tired to yell.

Well clearly that was ANOTHER BAD idea (the not parenting part.)

10 minutes later, it is now, what 5:25 I hear water. GUSHING.

I run into the bathroom. #2 has CLIMBED onto the vanity counter and is not brushing his teeth, not washing his hands, not doing anything productive. Instead he was intentionally SPLASHING all the water onto the floor. Are you <<<insert the F bomb here>>> kidding me? It is a good thing it was so early and I was so tired because what I thought was neither said nor screamed. Phew!

I turned around, got a towel and took darling #2 off the counter.

“#2, water is for brushing teeth and washing hands. Not for splashing. Here is a towel. You made the mess, you clean it up.”

I left the bathroom and went to start the day. No point sleeping now. As I was rather aggressively making my bed #1 came in:

“Mommy, slow down. You look angry.”

I didn’t say a thing. I was furious but didn’t want to lose it.

#1 left and then came RUNNING back in saying:

“1-2-3 I am taking care of me” while showing me the pages to his book “Calm-Down Time.”

"I can breathe in and out while I count to three. One...two...three. I'm taking care of me." More like "I'm taking care of mommy!"

I just had to smile. He was so proud of himself and well, I was proud of him too. And grateful.  Saved by my five –and-a-half year old!

Then #2 came in.

“Mommy, are you still mad?”

“Yes #2, I am.”

#2 then left and came RUNNING back in with the BIGGEST sh*t eating grin on his face. Why? Well because he had found the Orange Rhino sign we made and was flashing it in front of my face.

 “Orange Rhino mommy. Orange Rhino.”

Now I really had to smile. My kids were helping ME be a better mother. I loved it. The 25 minutes before? Not so much. But this minute, I absolutely loved. I had managed to teach my son a lesson (clean up your mess) without losing it and also had taught him that one doesn’t have to yell. What started as a really crappy day was already turning around.

I got in the shower, still smiling. “Maybe I would survive the day afterall?” I thought to myself.

5 minutes later I knew I would. The boys strategically placed their friendly reminders to me in my bed so that I would see them upon getting out of the bathroom.

No caption necessary...

“Brilliant move boys, brilliant. Thanks for your support. It not only means a lot, but it also helps a tremendous amount. Now let’s go clean up the mess that is #2’s bedroom, kay?”

And they actually complied.

Now if only the damn birds would….

107 days without yelling, 258 to go!

Dear Kari,

You asked me a while back, is it worth it? Is it really worth all the extra hard work to not yell? Heck yeah it is. Besides the obvious reasons about how not yelling is better for my children, there is one benefit I never expected. My life feels richer now. I know it sounds hokey, trust me, I know. I am the first person to call something hokey. But it is true. Because now that I am not yelling, I have shared some truly remarkable moments with my kids that I know wouldn’t have happened pre-challenge because I would have been too busy yelling at them. Tonight I had one of those moments. And just thinking about it, well, it brings tears to my eyes.

Not yelling is hard. WICKED wicked hard. But yes, it is so worth it.

The Orange Rhino

*

As I have written before, as much as I love my kids, by the time bedtime rolls around, I am done. I am ready to tuck everyone in, give each boy one last kiss and snuggle, and then shut all the doors and go downstairs to relax. After 7:15pm, if I hear footsteps sneaking out this mama gets pissed. Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) I can’t get pissed anymore all because of The Orange Rhino Challenge. I can’t yell and carry on like I am accustomed to doing in such situations. Tonight I was challenged. And tonight I kept my promise. And it made me cry.

I had just settled down on the couch with a nice glass of wine. I was not 10 seconds into a deep thought of “oh, this is nice. It is so quiet” when I heard footsteps slowly making their way down the hall towards the stairs. I knew immediately who they belonged to. #1. Dear, sweet, #1 who loves to sneak out and try to convince us that he needs one more cracker, a sip of ice cold water or better yet, 5 minutes of playing Angry Birds on my husband’s Ipad in order to fall asleep. AS IF.

I ever so gently placed my wine glass down. I was rather deliberate in the gentleness because what I really wanted to do was the throw the glass in the fireplace. I was that annoyed. Let’s just say it has been a looooong week. This Mama is beyond done. Between baby showers, birthday parties, school parties, doctors appointments and unanticipated speech evaluations for two more boys, I just needed some time to decompress tonight. I had no desire to play the cracker/water/ipad/I need to pee/one more book game. My patience tank was empty. My empathy tank was empty. The only thing full was my wine glass and clearly that wasn’t going to be empty soon. I found whatever self control I could muster and headed towards the stairs.

#1 knew I was coming; pretty sure my stomping feet up the stairs gave it away. The soft footsteps I heard moments before turned into a mad dash for his room. All his attempts to not be busted went out the window when he accidentally SLAMMED his door shut. I was pissed before, but now I was REALLY pissed because I was certain the loud bang would wake his brothers. I grabbed the door knob and somewhat aggressively opened the door to his room. I wanted to scream “Get back in BED! NOW!”

But before I could even open my mouth I took one look at his face. He had the look that said, “Mommy don’t yell at me. Something is wrong and that’s why I can’t fall asleep.”

I walked over to his bed, taking deep, agitated breaths that were so loud they could wake his brothers. I was still fuming. But my son’s voice defused the yelling.

I was just about to start in with my bedtime lecture when this shy, concerned and quavering voice said,

“Mommy, will you love me even when I go to heaven?” (um, holy sh*t, I wasn’t prepared for that.)

Tears in my eyes, then, and now,

“Yes, of course. I will always love you.”

“But mommy, will you love me even when you are in heaven?”

“Yes, of course. I will always always love you. Forever and ever.”

“Because you have a big heart mommy???”

“Yes, and because I love you tons and tons. I will never stop loving you.”

“Okay. I love you mommy.”

“I love you too.”

And that was all he needed to hear to fall asleep. “I love you too.”

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

I tucked him in again, gave him another kiss and a hug. A hug that I didn’t want to end. I wanted to hold onto that moment forever. I wanted to hold onto my son forever, for him to feel just how much I love him. For him to feel at ease, for me to feel at ease. The mere thought of him ever being in heaven before me breaks my heart. The mere thought of him even worrying about that broke my heart.

I cried leaving the room. I cried because of the innocence of the conversation. I cried because of the fear that the conversation could be true some day. I cried because I love him so much. I cried because I was so glad that I had that conversation, that I didn’t yell.

All my son needed was to hear me say I love you one more time. I can’t imagine how tonight would have gone down if I when I opened that door I started screaming like I used to. Oh wait, yes I can. He would have started bawling. It would have taken 30 minutes to calm him down. And then he would have fallen asleep upset and still worrying about whether or not I would love him forever. Instead of that, we shared a truly beautiful moment.

So yes, not yelling is worth it. Because in not yelling, I shared this moment with my son. And I don’t think I will ever forget it. Ever.

*

I know many of you feel like you are “failing” this challenge because you didn’t go all day without yelling. But I am sure there has been, or will be, at least one if not more moment(s) on your journey on this Challenge where you didn’t yell and in turn had an amazing moment with your child, a moment that you’ll remember forever. What was that moment? Whenever you feel frustrated, remember that moment. And remind yourself all the hard work is worth it. For extra guidance on your journey to add more of those amazing moments to your days, check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” Part personal memoir, part parenting guide, fully supportive, my book hits shelves October 2014 but you can pre-order it now. Check out the details here! 

105 days without yelling, 250 to go! 

Dear Long Days, Short Years,

This one is for you! Yup, more than half the time my yelling has nothing to do with my kids but everything to do with myself. I think that is what makes it so hard – to not yell means to admit that I need to deal with myself too! Ugh, you mean I have to take responsibility for my behavior and not always blame the kids?!

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

*

I almost kissed day 105 goodbye today. Just like that. No advance warning really. The kids weren’t on my nerves. The day was going fineish. All of a sudden I almost SCREAMED at them.

Why? Were they yelling? Nope. Were they hurting each other? Nope. Were they picking on each other?  Nope. (Not at this point at least). They were just being kids – running around outside knocking bamboo shoots down in the backyard and slamming the kitchen door as they came in and out with their wet muddy boots excited to tell me they were “saving” the swing set from the overgrown bamboo.

Truly, they really weren’t on my nerves. I actually found their teamwork to “saw” down the bamboo very cute and their dedication to the “very urgent matter” adorable.

And then the phone rang. It was my husband calling to remind me to pay bills.

As soon as I hung up the phone, the kitchen door slammed again as three pair of squeaky boots sloshed across the kitchen to go save the swing set. Door slam, enter anger. My blood started boiling. I put the baby down and started walking rather briskly and loudly to open the aforementioned slammed door to yell at my boys.

My mouth opened and just as my non-orange rhino voice got ready to scream “ENOUGH ALREADY. CLOSE THE FRIGGIN’ DOOR. YOU ARE EITHER IN OR YOU’RE OUT. AND GET READY TO HELP ME CLEAN THE FLOOR!” this “cute little orange rhino” with four birds popped into my head and said to me:

 “Don’t do it. Don’t yell! You are not really mad at the kids. You are just overwhelmed and frustrated because well crap, you don’t feel like paying the bills and checking the budget, it’s just one more thing to do today and double crap you can’t seem to get anything done today and triple crap, you just don’t want to do it in the first place. Oh, and don’t forget you are just extra on edge because #4 has been in your arms crying for 30 minutes. Straight. ”

Well, that “cute little orange rhino” was right. I wasn’t annoyed at the kids. I was just so frustrated at that moment that my patience and tolerance (one in the same?) went from decent to virtually non-existent.  My anger had nothing to do with my boys. Nothing. Was the door slamming loud and obnoxious? Yes. Was the floor going to be a pain to clean, for the third time that day? Yes. But did those two things really matter? Did they really make me so mad that I wanted to yell? Nope. I was just in a twit and easily agitated.

As a matter of fact, I’ve found much more often than not that when I suddenly feel like I want to yell that it has nothing to do with the kids but that it has to do with me. That one of my personal triggers has been set off.

Today’s winning trigger? Having too much to do. It gets me in a twit every time. Without fail. About once a day. On a good day. Every day the “cute little orange rhino” comes and has a talk with me reminding me I am not angry at the kids, that I am just in a twit, that I just have to admit that one of my personal triggers has been set off.  The little orange rhino (ok, me) then mentally goes through my list of triggers that I outlined weeks ago until I realize AHA! That is why I am twitting. That is why I want to yell. It really isn’t my kids making me want to scream! It’s blah, blah blah…

Slowly revealing all my personal triggers that make me want to yell...

It’s hard to admit sometimes that I am the problem and not my kids. But what is EASY is now that I have taken the time to list MY triggers, it is EASY to identify them and EASIER (emphasis on the -ER) to stop them from setting off a full force volcanic eruption.

So there you have it. That is how I stop one of my personal triggers from going off – I talk to myself, in my head and out loud! I simply acknowledge the real trigger and then I actually say it out loud. “I am not mad at the kids, I am just overwhelmed by having too much to do.” Or “I am not mad at #4 I just wish I could understand him better.” Or “I am not mad at my kids I am just tired from going out last night and um, drinking too much wine with my girlfriends.”

There is something “magical” about saying it out loud, about hearing myself admit why I am really  angry/annoyed/twitting, why it isn’t the kid’s fault. I wish I could say why it works, but I can’t. I can just say that it does.I *think* because it stops me in my tracks, forces me to refocus my attention AWAY from my kids and back onto problem solving. Onto finding an alternative to yelling, like stomping my feet, splashing cold water on my face or any other silly distraction that hits me at the moment. And sometimes, no alternative is needed. Just hearing myself say out loud that I am not mad at my kids IS the alternative to yelling!

Now if my kids are legitimately the source of my anger (oh say like tonight, when #2 looked #3 squarely in the eyes and then pinched him for no reason), then I have an entirely different method of handling. I’ll save that for another rainy day….

May 17, 2012

100 days down, 265 to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos!

I think I am still in shock from the last 48 hours. My heart is pounding, my face has a frozen  sh*t eating grin, and I feel all jittery inside! I am totally humbled and excited and overwhelmed and scared all at the same time about all the interest The Orange Rhino Challenge received today! Normally we get about 80 reads per day at our site. Right now with 4ish hours remaining in the day WE are at 892. That is 10+x more than normal!

All because of you all sharing about the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day. I am so touched that people I know, and don’t know, have decided to support me in my promise to my boys to not yell at them for 365 days. And more so, MUCH MORE SO I am thrilled to see that other people are taking the challenge too.

It’s time to TOOT OUR RHINO HORN, loud and proud!!!

 We spread the word people about something we all are passionate about – loving our kids more. Because that is what really is at the root of this challenge. Yelling less and LOVING MORE. So today I don’t just celebrate 100 days of not yelling. I celebrate 100 days of LOVING MORE.

As promised, in celebration of today, I will be donating $1.00 per person who participated today up to $200. While only about 40 people literally posted I KNOW that we had at least 200 people reading and actively trying not to yell. So I WILL be donating $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity, a “nonprofit… founded on the conviction that every man, woman and child should have a decent, safe and affordable place to live.” (Habitat for Humanity website). Do you hear that? That’s my Tooting my Rhino Horn to you all. You made that donation happen. Thank you.

As I mentioned in another post, I chose Habitat for Humanity because my Orange Rhino Epiphany was the result of a handyman fixing my house. I’m eternally grateful for that moment. That moment I got caught by the handyman SCREAMING at the top of my lungs to my four kiddos that I love so much. That moment changed my life. And it changed my boys’ lives. And I dream that it will impact my future grandkids lives too. Because I *hope* that my not yelling will trickle down through my sons to future generations. That more loving and less yelling will be felt in the Orange Rhino Family for years and years to come. Here’s hoping. Here’s hoping.

Can you feel the love being passed from Mom to Child?

Cheers (or should I snort?!)

The Orange Rhino

*
Wondering what the heck “Toot your Rhino Horn” is all about?

“Toot your Rhino Horn” is your turn to share your progress and by the way, JUST thinking about taking the challenge counts. That is a step in the right direction. That is progress!  

Here’s how it works. Every night I will post on the www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino the following…

“It’s time to Toot your Rhino Horn!”

Under that, in the comments section please post your name and the days you’ve completed on The Orange Rhino Challenge, ie, “Elaine – Day 5, Take 1” or “Elaine – Day 1, Take 9”

The way I see it, you deserve to Toot your Rhino Horn just by participating. I can NOT say this enough. This is hard, hard, hard! Don’t discount yourself if you had a bad day. Instead, share and find support and advice (if you want it!)

So whether you’ve completed 15 days or are starting Day 1 over again (for the 9th time, like me in the Beginning), you deserve to post your name for everyone to see that you are trying to be an Orange Rhino. That you are trying to be a mom (or dad) who has the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without yelling!

Remember, each day is a new day…if you have a bad day, like I did on Day 1 Take 7, don’t beat yourself up. Just keep coming back to this page for the support. I’m getting the sense that you’ll, WE’LL, find it!

And always, remember,

“Act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face which turns us from failure towards success.”
~Dorothea Brande

There is NO FAILURE in the Orange Rhino Challenge. None. Only success. Any parent trying to love more is succeeding. Big time.

So please join me tonight and TOOT YOUR RHINO HORN!

99 days without yelling, 266 to go!!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Let’s face it. I am no expert here. I don’t have a PhD in parenting. I don’t have a PhD in childhood behavior. I don’t have a PhD in therapy. The only PhD I have is that I am a Parent Holding Determination to find solutions to not yelling. On the eve of the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day ever I thought I would share a list of the top 50 fun, silly, serious and other things I have done the last 99 days to keep from yelling. Consider it a cheat sheet for not yelling…or a source of entertainment. Either way I hope you enjoy it!

50 Alternatives to Yelling at your Kids:

Fun Alternatives (Added bonus: I don’t yell and kids start laughing and changing behavior):
1. Run around the house  (adrenaline boost)
2. Start talking jibberish  (makes kids laugh and stop pummeling each other)
3. Start blowing bubbles  (relaxes me, reminds me of childhood and that I should CHILL OUT)
4. Get the camera  (forces me to see behavior wasn’t so bad)

5. Laugh. Even if you don’t want to.  (laughter is good for the soul)
6. Bang arms on chest like a gorilla  (a good release and a great entertainment for kids)
7. Put hand in front of mouth and pretend to “toot” a horn  (great attention getter)
8. Do Jump and Jacks  (releases positive chemicals or something like that!)
9. Do push ups  (see above)
10. Start clapping and keep going until the kids have stopped annoying behavior  (a good release)
11. Start drumming on table/counter until rage is gone  (a REALLY good release)
12. Start the Hokey Pokey  (silliness can snap anyone out of it)
13. Start a Dance Party  (adrenaline + fun, what’s not to love?)
14. Sing. I especially like “La la la, la la, la LAAAAA”  (it’s unexpected which works wonders)
15. Pretend to have Laryngitis  (silence also works wonders)

“I look like a Fool” Alternatives:
16. Yell into a Closet  (clothes don’t have feelings)
17. Yell into a Kitchen Cabinet  (cereal boxes don’t have feelings either)
18. Open up the freezer and put head in  ­(it cools me down and snaps me out of my mood and makes kids laugh)
19. Raise two hands in the air (it gets kids attention, like a warning signal that I’m about to blow)

20. Go to the bathroom and scream into the toilet, then flush it away  ( um symbolic?)

21. Shake body, arms and legs  (like The
Wiggles, Shake shake Shake your silly’s out)

22. Get on back and put legs and arms in the air and howl like a Dog  (yes, I did this, read here)

“I’ll be considered a bad parent” Alternatives:
23. Put the TV on for longer than normally feels okay at moments that are especially dreadful  (Sometimes TV is better than yelling, right?)
24. Have ice cream sundaes together  (Fun family activity makes me want to have fun, not yell)
25. Start the day with Orange Yogurt  (A very small food coloring goes a long way)

I don’t know how to categorize Alternatives:
26. Go to The Orange Rhino Facebook page and yell there…   (that’s what the page is for!)
27. Text a friend announcing you’re going to lose it  (hopefully he/she will say “don’t!!)
28. Set up phone calendar to notify you every 30 min to not yell.  (annoying but helpful)
29. Stare at something in room that you love.  (finding happy moments erases anger)
30. Ask your child WHY are you crying?  (the response will make you give a hug instead)
31. Ask your child WHY are you doing that?  (the response might make you understand behavior and make your desire to yell decrease)
32. Tell yourself “I won’t yell. I won’t yell.”  (Tricks you into believing you won’t!)
33. Say “I love you. I love you. I love you.”  (Hard to yell when you realize you love someone).

More Serious/Expected Alternatives:
34. Count to 10. Or 100. Or 1000 until you calm down.  (forces one to regroup and get perspective)
35. Walk away  (more opportunity to gain perspective)
36. Take a deep breath  (if one is breathing, one can’t yell!)
37. Whisper  (don’t know why this works, it just does!)
38. Turn the Lights off  (the shocking factor stops kids in tracks and adds calmness)
39. Eat  (Food in mouth, mouth can’t yell. major pros, major cons, um hello 5 pounds)
40. Keep a journal and write why you want to scream  (paper is a great listener)
41. Grab your hands together and squeeze (a great release)

How I remind myself not to yell:
42. Buy orange napkins and keep in the kitchen
43. Buy (or receive for Mother’s Day!) orange kitchen towels
44. Wear more orange (necklace, clothes)
45. Put orange post it notes all over the house ESPECIALLY where one is apt to yell

46. Print out Orange Rhino Logo, attach popsicle sticks and have Kids hold it up when crankiness starts

47. Get kids involved! Have them yell “ORANGE RHINO!!!” when they sense the volcanic eruption coming!

48. Wear an orange hair elastic around wrist

49. Place orange flowers in a vase in kitchen

50. Serve Orange Foods  (oranges, peaches, cheese, Cheez its, carrots)

So there you have it. 50 things I have tested in order to keep myself from yelling. Clearly, it has taken  A LOT of creativity. And A LOT of patience. And A LOT of self control. But hey, my kids are worth it. They totally deserve to be raised in a more loving environment.

ORANGE you glad you read this post? Sorry, couldn’t resist. I hope so. Good luck tomorrow!!! it’s just one day. You can do it.

“The Orange Rhino Challenge: I can’t yell for 365 days…but I can still pick me nose!”

For more details on The Orange Rhino Challenge click here. For more details on what The Orange Rhino is click here:

*
Remember, here is how to participate in the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day on May 17, 2012:

1)      “Post” your name to show your participation on the morning of May 17^th in one of four ways: Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino) , Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com , Email me attheorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com, or Tweet me at ORchallenge. At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went.

2)      Find Support and Give Support  throughout the day by logging on to your method of communication. Feel like yelling? Yell at me. Need advice on how to survive the day? Ask the community. Want encouragement? Seek it from us. This is a day for all parents who want to be Orange Rhinos, who want to be parents who have the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling!

3)      Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you. Why? Besides the fact that it will help you make it through the day if you text each other and support each other, instead of throwing a 100 day party for myself (and using the money I have saved from future therapy bills for my children!) I am going to DONATE $1.00 per person up to $200 to Habitat for Humanity for every person that participates. Why a charitable donation and why Habitat for Humanity? Well, truthfully, I feel like giving back. I’ve gotten so much out of this Challenge that it is time to give back. As for Habitat, well, if it weren’t for my being able to do home improvements to my house, I would never have had the Epiphany (https://theorangerhino.com/the-epiphany/) that started this Challenge in the first place.

4)    Change your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge image to spread the word and to get people asking you about what you are doing further getting you support! It’s amazing how people rooting for you can really help. Save this image below and upload to FB. If this doesn’t work, then this image is also on my blog. Go to www.TheOrangeRhino.com. This “button” is on the right. 

5)      Read the Following Posts about what defines yelling and some ways I have learned not to yell to help you

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ (definition of yelling per this challenge)
https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspiration to try)
https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling)
https://theorangerhino.com/three-fun-alternatives-to-yelling-at-my-kids/ (self explanatory!)
https://theorangerhino.com/sing-my-emotion/ (way not to yell, inspiration)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)

GOOD LUCK!!!

93 days down, 272 day to go!

Dear Jennifer,

I often feel inadequate as a mom and when I feel this way I  become preoccupied thinking about all the ways that I am not the mom I dream of being, all the ways that I am not the mom I used to be when I had just 1 child vs 4, all the ways that I am not the mom that I think I should be. This preoccupation takes over leaving me mentally unable to focus on my kids in the way they deserve. In other words, when I am in a twit over not being a good enough mom, I quickly become more impatient with my boys which most certainly doesn’t  make me be the mom I want to be. You asked me what some of my triggers are for yelling? Well this preoccupation with being inadequate? It’s one of my biggest triggers.

Thoughts?
The Orange Rhino

*

I want to be a mom who wakes up and has time to shower and make herself look not just presentable, but pretty. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never look pulled together with blown dry hair and fashion forward outfits because while I wish to look that way, it isn’t truly that important to me. I will always have my hair in a braid, a hole in my jeans, a two seasons ago shirt and a belt that is well, more than 2 seasons old. And that is OK. Because my kids think I am pretty just the way I am.

I want to be a mom who puts aside her to do list to get down and play on the floor with her boys. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never rough house with them or play freeze tag as much as they like because I much prefer, and take great joy, in watching them play and have fun with each other. And that is OK. Because I will still hug them, kiss them, and tell them how proud and happy I am to see them playing together.

I want to be a mom that knows how to make crazy Lego buildings, how to chase after Dragons, how to play Star Wars. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never build a Lego creation the way my husband does, I will never spontaneously chase after Dragons with a laser or think to build a fort. And that is OK. Because I will make ice cream cones out of play doh with my boys and chase after falling leaves and snowflakes with them.

I want to be a mom who feels like she knows how to be a mom to boys, who doesn’t think that if she had girls she would know how to be a better mother because she would know how to play tea and dolls and do all things girlie. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never be a mom who truly feels she knows how to be a mom to boys and I don’t think I would feel like I knew how to be a mom to girls either, because being a mom is not just about knowing what kind of activities my kids like to do, it is about knowing what makes my boys happy, what makes them sad, how I can help them, how I can protect them. It is a daily learning process and I’ll never know everything about being a mom. And that is OK. Because I do already know how to love my boys, that is one thing I don’t need to learn.

I want to be a mom that plans fun outings ahead of time, that plans playdates, that plans period. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never plan ahead because it overwhelms me and because well, I am not good at managing my ­time. And that is OK. Because I love to stay home and just talk with my kids. I love to ask them questions about their day, to answer their questions, to hear their little conversations.

I want to be a mom that cooks well balanced meals that my pediatrician would approve of. Scratch that. I want to be a mom that cooks anything besides Macaroni and Cheese and Chicken Nuggets. But I will never be that mom. I will probably never consistently cook healthy meals like my mom and my Nana used to. And that is OK. Because someday I will learn how to cook beyond the basics and until then ’ll keep teaching my boys how to bake the “yummiest cookies ever,” remembering the key ingredients are always love and patience.

I want to be a mom that does cute arts and crafts projects more often and remembers to send them to the grandparents. I will never be that mom. I will most likely never do lots of arts and crafts projects that would make Martha Stewart proud because I am too scatterbrained to remember to buy the art materials in the first place. And that is OK. Because when my kids bring their art projects home, I praise them and hang them proudly up on the kitchen wall.

I want to be a mom that reads books more, practices ABC’s more, sings more, dances more, laughs more. I will never be that mom. I will most likely never be able to do all the extra’s because there aren’t enough hours in the day. And that is OK. Because I will do my best and I will enjoy the moments when I do read, dance, and laugh. And as long as my kids feel loved, and have learned what love is and how to love, I am okay if they learn their ABC’s late.

I want to be a mom who doesn’t feel inadequate. Who doesn’t look at her friends and strangers and say, wow, they are great moms, why aren’t I like them? But instead looks at them, and says wow, they are great moms and so am I.

So am I.

I am a good mom.

I might never be the mom I dream of being, but right now I can be the mom that I am. I might not be a lot of things I wish to be, but at the same time, I still am a lot of good things. I didn’t cook a perfectly balanced dinner tonight, but I did manage to not yell at my kids today and I am going to keep trying not to. I didn’t take my kids to the park yesterday, but I did talk with them while on a spontaneous family walk this morning.

You see, I find it so easy, too easy, to look in the mirror and see ALL the reasons why I am not a good mom, why I am not living up to my ridiculous ideal of what a mother should be. This Mother’s Day, as a gift to myself, I am going to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good mom, that I might not be the mom that I envision, but that I am still a good mom. And I hope you do the same.

90 days down, 275 to go!

Dear those who WANT to take the Orange Rhino Challenge, but are unsure…

When I started this little challenge of mine, a friend said he didn’t think he could go 10 days. I laughed and said yeah, I don’t think I could go 10 days either. I didn’t believe in myself. I was sure I would fail since I was a huge yeller at that point and I was MASSIVELY intimidated by the whole 365 day thing. That was January 24^th ish. Fast forward to February 8^th  ish. I started writing this to my friend:

“Holy sh*t! You were right, I couldn’t make it 10 days without yelling. I made it only 8 and then it took me 9 more friggin’ days to go one solid day again. But I don’t care, I finally made it through an entire day without yelling. And let me tell you, today was a sh*t show. It is a miracle I didn’t yell and that I made it from 5:30 am until 9:30 pm. 5 seconds before walking out the door the baby pooped. Everywhere. Once that diaper was clean and a new outfit put on him and me, #3 pooped. Everywhere. So it literally was a sh*t show. Even though we were late, I didn’t lose it. I’m so pumped. I’m back in the game and I’m feeling good. That 10 day bet? Kiss it good-bye. You’ll be bringing me beer. I am so gonna kick some Orange Rhino ass this time. Thanks in advance for the vote of confidence and the 6-pack you’ll be giving me. But seriously, should we be putting money on this instead of beer?”

The difference between January and February? Confidence. In January, I didn’t think I could go more than 10 days because I had no basis for comparison. I hoped I could, but I didn’t truly believe that I could. Come February, even though I struggled to get one new day under my belt, I KNEW that I could do it so I kept trying. I knew I was capable of not yelling because I had done it. I had gone 8 days. So now I believed in myself. It took 8 days of success for me to believe in myself that I could change. That I could become a non yeller. It took 8 days, not 365 days, to feel enough success, enough benefits, to keep going.

So if you are intimidated by my crazy 365 day goal with resetting to 0 if I yelled then adjust the rules for you. Adjust the rules so you can get some success under your belt and can begin to believe in yourself.

This Community is about inspiring each other to yell at our kids less and HELPING each other to yell less. It does not have to be all or nothing. Any improvement is progress. Any improvement is better for our kids. Any improvement will be appreciated by our kids. Any improvement is awesome and will keep you reaching for more.

I’ve come up with some easy ways to start The Orange Rhino Challenge so that you too can hopefully find success and believe in yourself, so that you can believe that you can learn not to yell.

Instead of starting trying to go 365 days straight…

1) Pick one problem time a day and conquer it (ie. bath time, meal time, homework time). When you conquer that, add another one, and then another one. Before you know it you’ll have 50% of the day not yelling and I am sure you’ll feel great. Mine was getting out the door for school. So I started singing and telling myself “in just 5 minutes, if you don’t yell, you’ll survive the day”. Break it down. It becomes less daunting.

2) Give yourself a short goal l did 365 days because I need all or nothing goals to be motivated (yes, I know, personal area of improvement!). Adjust it for yourself – maybe 3 days without yelling or 1 week or 10 days. I suggest at least 3 because you need a groove and after 3 days you’ll feel the difference and want to keep practicing. (Or so I hope!)

3) Track the # of Times a day you yell and try for a week to yell less and watch the number go down.

4) Commit to 365 (or any other motivational number) but lose the re-set If you yell, stay on the day you are at. Restart when you go a day again. Or, commit to 365 moments. Instead of not yelling for 365 days, keep track of when you don’t yell and try to get to 365. That would probably be a month for me. Or a day!

5) Make it Fun with Games Create an age appropriate game with your children. If you don’t yell in a particular moment, you get a point. If they listen when asked (ie. at a normal moment when you are going to yell), they get a point. At the end of the day whoever has the most points gets a reward, maybe an ice cream cone? Or maybe there is some silly trophy. Or maybe Orange Rhino Bingo. Create a card with 25 spaces. Randomly fill it with Mommy Didn’t Yell and Kids Listened. Whoever gets Bingo first, wins. I don’t know. The point here is to be creative, to make it FUN, and to involve your kids! Mine are my “yelling sensors” and since they are everywhere I am…they are reliable! They are my built in alarm system – always going off when I am starting to get cranky. Trust me, IT HELPS.

6) Have your kids “Grade You” Stealing this one from Tracy! Lose the numbers all together! At the end of the day (or at each meal so you have more opportunities!) ask your kids to give you a thumbs up or thumbs down, or a smiley face or not.

The bottom line is:

It’s not the numbers that counts. It’s the yelling less that counts. However you get there, you get there. Any moment when you chose not to yell is success.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

89 days down, 277 to go!

Dear Hubby,

Thanks for sending me great inspirational quotes…they keep me going. That and the growing herd of Orange Rhinos out there!

xoxo,
Your lovely wife who deserves a great Mother’s Day gift, hint hint, maybe an Orange Rhino with hearts all over it?

Can this be for real? Read the entire post and see just how PERFECT this is! I discovered it after I wrote the post when searching for a picture of a herd of Rhinos....

I called my mom tonight and said “mom, tell me, how did I get this far? What’s the secret? Was I just not yelling that much to start with?” She of course assured me that yes, indeed, I was actually yelling that much.

“So what then?” I asked. “Have my kids miraculously become angels who never get on my nerves?” She of course assured me that no that certainly was not the case, but that my boys were terrific, just not angels all the time.

Okay, then maybe my life has just gotten easier and therefore I am less stressed and have more patience to not yell. I didn’t need her to tell me that wasn’t the case. I actually have more on my plate that causes stress than I did 89 days ago.

So what the heck is the answer?
Why have I been able to go 89 days without yelling?
I need to know so that I can keep going!!!

At first blush it is easy to say, oh, I’ve been creative and come up with lots of ways to either divert my kid’s behavior or to calm myself down. Like saying “ooga schmooga booga,” taking pictures, screaming into a closet, drumming on a kitchen table, counting to ten. But that’s not the real secret. Those creative solutions would never be made possible if I hadn’t gained immense self control. If I hadn’t learned to STOP first and then think of an alternative to yelling.

So the question isn’t what are the tricks, but what got me to STOP and THINK. Coming up with tricks is easy – it’s the stopping that is hard.

As I sit here, I struggle to think of how I learned to STOP. Because trust me, self control? Not one of my stronger suits. At all. If I think something, I say it. If I want to eat something, I do. If I want to buy something, I will. So why now. What in god’s creation have I done to learn self control this go around?

Good ‘ole mom helped me answer that question…in her eyes,

I had a strong DESIRE to change.
I made that desire PUBLIC.
I became ACCOUNTABLE to all of you.
I asked for HELP from all of you.
I kept a DIARY of my yelling moments.
I involved my KIDS.
I dug deep to really truly figure out my TRIGGERS.
I acknowledged my triggers and ACCEPTED them.
And then, I PRACTICED.
And I liked the results.
So I practiced some more.
And I really liked the results. A LOT.
So I kept practicing because the results were totally worth the hard work.
And they still are.

But if I had stopped, if I had given up when I wanted to and then I never would have discovered the results. And TRUST ME, I wanted to quit and trust me once a week I STILL contemplate quitting because not yelling is hard, mentally exhausting work. But instead of quitting, I leaned on this community and I kept doing all the steps above. If I hadn’t done so, I can’t help but wonder…

Would I be enjoying the results?

Would I be feeling the joy of knowing I am taking one step towards being a better mother?

Would I be feeling more calm, less stressed, less ANGRY, less bitter?

Would I be feeling the love and support my boys give me when I don’t yell, but am really super close?

Would I be feeling more love for my boys?

I don’t know.

But I do know that all the hard work is worth it.

Several of you have asked me, is it worth it? How can I change? How can I do this? I want to do this? But I can’t seem to start…

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi 

All I can say is, JUST TRY. Try doing what I did and see if it works (especially the using the community part!!!) If I can learn to not yell, then you can. I didn’t just used to yell. I used to SCREAM. We’re talking level 7, raging screams 1-3x a day plus yelling at level 6. Sure, I had good days when I used the level 0 voice all day but I also had the really not so good days, or not so good moments. Never in a thousand years did I think I could go 89 days without yelling at my boys. I thought maybe 14. And when I yelled at Day 8 try 1, I thought, maybe 10 days. And here I am. At 89 days. Because I kept trying.

Because it simply was time I started yelling less and loving more. It was simply time to be an ORANGE RHINO.