168 days of not yelling, 197 days of loving more to go!

Dear Self,

I yelled at my kids because I could (read here).
I yelled at my kids because I was tired.
I yelled at my kids because they annoyed me (read here).
I yelled at my kids because I didn’t know what else to do.

Because nothing else was working.

Because I have never been a parent before. Because even though I have 4 kids, each child is different. Parenting each child is a new experience. An exhilarating yet exhausting experience that is new territory every day. And no matter how many years I have been a parent, or how many parenting books I have read, or how many parenting anecdotes I have heard, or how many days I have been without yelling, SOMETIMES I AM AT A LOSS. And I don’t know how to handle the situation.

And I just want to scream because it feels like the logical next step. It feels like the right move when patience, understanding, determination, intelligence all have failed. Because if all the positive attempts haven’t stopped behavior that deserves discipline, then the only other option is negative reinforcement, right? To yell so loud that my son bursts into tears and forgets about tormenting his brother and me and instead focuses on how I am tormenting him with my awful words and actions.

Rationally, I know that screaming is not the logical next step.

I know that I have to keep at the patience, understanding, and determination to not yell. I know that I can’t give in and scream even if I want to.

Because it won’t work. It will just make matters worse across the board.

But oh how the FRUSTRATION of feeling lost as a parent taunts my rational thinking.

The feeling like an incompetent parent for not being able to reign in some of my son’s horrific behavior.  The feeling like a mean parent for wanting to scream so loud and so long that it scares the sh*t out of my son. The feeling like I am the only parent with this problem.

And that frustration, the frustration of simply NOT KNOWING how the f*** to handle some situations, coupled with my son’s frustrating behavior is enough to make me want to scream at everyone (and maybe do something else besides screaming).

Being a parent is hard. Every day I am learning something new about my son’s individual personalities and how best to relate to them. How best to “manage” their meltdowns. How best to love them. It is exhausting. And when I am at my emotional worst – when all my triggers are in full force – and when my kids are at their emotional worst – when all their individual “areas of improvement” are in desperate need of improvement! – it is even more exhausting.

And it is hard.

Hard. Hard. Hard. Today, I wanted to do more than scream. I wanted to cry. Because I felt so stupid that I couldn’t find a solution. So embarrassed by my kid’s behavior even though no one but me had the honor of witnessing it.  So defeated.

Defeated that 168 days of not yelling hasn’t made my sons perfect angels. Did I really expect that not yelling would make them perfect? NO. Because it won’t. Will it make me feel better about myself as a mom? Yes. Will it make them feel better about me as their mom? Yes. Will they still be kids who sometimes don’t listen and challenge me? YES. It will still happen. Just less.

As I sit here writing outside on my porch while the rain pours down I realize “sh*t, I really shouldn’t feel defeated. Because while today was the perfect storm of all kids AND mom being at their worst, the storms are happening a lot less. A LOT less. And when they do happen, they are one sided. I am NOT yelling back and the storms are shorter.

So I can sit here and feel crappy that I don’t know how to parent in all situations (which I am). That I don’t know how to reign in my kid’s bad behavior sometimes (which I don’t). That I have bad thoughts beyond screaming (which I do). That I am STILL LEARNING and am not a perfect mom (which I always will be doing and never will be…. )

OR I can sit here and say “sh*t, there are let’s say 9 things I want to improve as a mom. And before when I was yelling, the number was 10. I am making progress. I might have not disciplined perfectly today, I might not have known what the h*ll to do, but I tried my hardest, and I didn’t yell. And that counts for something.”

Right?? Please tell me it counts for something.

Because I am feeling such guilt for not being able to properly handle some behavior at home today with #1 and #2. I am feeling like shoot, maybe I should have just yelled. That would have worked. Kind of, but not really. No, not really at all. Come on, Orange Rhino, you know yelling Just. Ain’t. Worth it. In the short term. Or the long term. Don’t give in to it because you don’t know what else to do (just because you’re getting your a*ss kicked by life and by the kids)! Be patient. Ask for help. You have the people to ask. You know that the behavior will improve. You know that not yelling is already helping the behavior to lessen. You know that you both are making progress.

You are making progress. And no one can argue with progress, even if there is more progress to be made.

xoxo,
Yourself, The Orange Rhino

Did you yell today? Are you feeling crappy about it? Maybe like me you made more progress today than you realized…until now. Any progress is progress….

166 days without yelling, 199 days of loving more to go!

Dear #1,

You and I are caught in a battle that needs to end. We’re both in bad moods and we’re bringing each other down. We are spiraling downwards fast as fast can be and we are starting to affect everyone around us. I am writing this post as my way of reminding myself about my commitment to parent with more warmth and composure, two words that I would not exactly use to describe me lately. Sure, I haven’t been yelling at you. But I have not been the mom I know I can be either, the mom that I know YOU NEED in order to help you out of your bad mood. When I see you today after camp I am going to swoop you up and give you a big hug and tell you I love you a thousand times. I am going to hold you until you feel settled. Until you feel safe that we won’t be in a car accident again. Until you feel secure that you aren’t dying anytime soon. Until you feel comfort knowing that even if the babysitter is leaving, mommy isn’t going anywhere. Until you feel more love than you have felt from me these last few days. Because I love you. And you deserve my love, not my wrath…

big hugs and kisses,
mommy orange rhino

*

It’s a vicious cycle that my son and I get stuck in. When we are BOTH stressed and anxious, sometimes for the same reasons, sometimes not, we quickly get stuck being impatient, rude and quite frankly, annoying towards each other. My son starts acting out: hitting ME more, yelling at ME more, crying more, listening less, smiling less. I start acting out too: snapping more, saying no more, listening less, engaging less, smiling less. In the beginning of the vicious cycle, I try my hardest to stay calm, patient, loving and understanding. I try not to take his actions personally. I try to help him in the ways I have learned how. But the problem is, my stress counteracts all my efforts. Because my stress scares him. It makes him worry even more.

And I can’t hide my stress. According to my husband, I’ve always had a bad poker face. This week has been no different. In fact, it’s been exceptionally bad.

I can’t hide my fear that I too will die and leave my kids without a mom. I can’t hide my anger that I had to fire the babysitter at the worst possible time. I can’t hide my frustration that with everything going on I also have to deal with a car accident AND with three angry and sad kids that daddy went back to work after an extended vacation.

And I can’t hide my frustration with my son that his meltdowns are back, tenfold.

I am trying. I am really, really trying. Trust me, I am. Because I know that all my fears and frustrations are written on my face and THAT is actually making my son feel worse. It is making him more anxious, more stressed. My behavior is making him act out more.

Which of course adds a whole new level of stress to my day. Because when he acts out from stress and fear, it is HARD to stop. The meltdowns are enormous. They are physical. And sometimes they are scary. And when they get this bad, my son needs me to be calm, and patient, and loving. He needs me to be all the things I am incapable of being at that moment because I have my own issues.

And because his behavior is making me feel worse. Because like my behavior is stressing him out, his behavior is stressing me out.

So we play this little game. Who can drive the other person nuts faster? We each keep acting stressed and making each other worse. And worse. And worse. It ain’t pretty.

And it’s a pain in the a*s. Because it is exhausting, physically and mentally. Why can’t he pull it together? Why can’t I pull it together? Darnit, I didn’t sleep again last night. Darnit, he didn’t sleep either. Crap, now we are both tired and even MORE overwhelmed and persnickety.

Last Thursday I FINALLY snapped out of it. I finally put an end to the game.

I was REALLY close to yelling at him. Really really close. I had had it with the screaming and the kicking and the throwing pillows. I had had it with feeling like I was the only parent to have a child act like this. I had had it with feeling embarrassed by his behavior. I had had enough of ALL OF IT. I had had it with my week. With the stress. I had had it with him. I was done being patient. I was done being The Orange Rhino.

I walked away as a toy was thrown at me and went to seek solace in The Orange Rhino facebook page.

I looked at the computer screen. And I saw 44, no 45, no 48, no 60 new people had found my page and started following along. I was immediately reminded of my promise to my boys, to all of you and I stopped dead in my tracks. Seriously.

I looked at him and said, “#1, what is wrong? Why are you so angry? Why are you throwing things at me?”

He burst into tears.

“I am angry that the babysitter is leaving. Why doesn’t she love me?”

I held him in my arms so tight and rocked his almost 6 year old body like a baby. He crumpled into my lap and arms and sat and cried and cried and cried. Those tears kicked me in the ass. Those tears reminded me that when in a vicious cycle with him, he NEEDS ME. I AM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR ENDING the cycle. I am the adult. I am the one who, no matter how hard it is, needs to find the strength and patience to give my son what he needs to “snap out of it.” I am the one who needs to stop and ask, what is going on?

When my son is in a bad mood, rightfully or wrongfully, I need to keep on loving him. When my son is struggling, I need to be an Orange Rhino. I need to find warmth and composure. I need to be patient and calm. I need to be understanding.

When my son and I are in a vicisious cycle of bringing each other down, I have two choices: make it worse or make it better. I finally made it better. It took me days to realize this, it took me days to GROW UP and realize my son needed me. But at least I finally did. And not just because it kept me from yelling, but because it allowed me to love my son more. And really, that is all he needed. To be loved more.

163 days without yelling, 202 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Today I came MUCH to close to yelling. Why? Were my kids awful? Nope. Were they annoying? Yes. More so than usual, I say with as much love as possible? Nope. Then why? Why was today so hard? Because mama is toast. I am beyond tired. So tonight, I am off to bed. Normally I would go to bed disappointed in myself for not posting on a Thursday night but not tonight. Why? Because I share this great guest post with you.

Below is a BRUTALLY honest, brutally courageous post all the way from Denmark. I asked Frederrike to write for me because her commitment to The Orange Rhino Challenge is amazing and inspiring. She writes from the heart and says the hard things. Please, have a read and share your comments on Facebook so she can read them immediately! Being honest is hard enough – being honest and having to share it in another language? Even harder. So please, show your support. And thank you Frederrike!!!

*

Dear Rhinos,

It all started about a month ago. I googled the internet. I don’t remember what I googled, I just googled. One click led to another and suddenly I came across an Orange Rhino. It were like looking in a mirror, and besides the fact that I’ve tried to do something about my yelling for as long as I’ve had children without achieving anything, I just knew that the time was right. It’s now or never, as the song goes.

I announced it on my blog. I told the world (or at least a bunch of people in Denmark) that from this day and a year forward I wouldn’t yell (and of course all the years after this one) I don’t know why, or what the Orange Rhino did for me that day a month ago, but somehow the time was right and I was ready.

For far too long I’ve been looking at my boys, while I yelled at them, and seen the fear in their eyes as they looked back at me, crying. That day a month ago I felt so bad afterwards, left with the feeling that I might as well have been hitting them. Something inside me went to pieces, and I just knew that if I didn’t change my behavior, then one day (soon) I wouldn’t be able to fix it. Ever. One of the biggest fears in my life (besides loosing another child) is that my boys one day, when they are big enough, will turn to me and say: “Goodbye mom” and I never will see them again.

For not only did I yell a lot at them, I also placed a lot of guilt and shame in them. Somehow it was the other downside of yelling. First me roaring at them, then me telling them that they are all wrong. They are 6,5 and 2,5 years old. Nothing they do is wrong in a way that ever will defend my destructive behavior towards them.

Every day is a struggle. A good one, I may add. But never the less a struggle. Every day I have to make a choice between yelling or not. Every day I have to make a choice to be a better mom for my boys. Shortly after I challenged myself I bought a lovely little boy with rhino-helmet and angels wings. Him looks at me every day, standing on my desk at work, and reminds me that when the work is finished, I can pick up 2 amazing kids from nursery and school, and they are mine.

In a short time I have achieved much by not yelling. I feel better about myself and I think that I have become roomier towards my children. I leave them space to be boys, with all the noise and mess. So besides the obvious change, it also leaves me with mental surplus to deal with others issues: do some exercise, regulate my weight and being a woman for my husband.

Frederikke

Info: Frederikke 39 years old. Married to Ulrik. Together we have 3 children. Cirkeline (girl) was born 14th August 2004 and died 24th August 2004 due to HLHS. Gustav (boy) born 30th September 2005 and Harald (boy) born 24th November 2009.

153 days without yelling, 212 days to go!

Dear Nikon Dsomething or other, a.ka., my camera,

Somewhere along this process I realized something really important:  sometimes when my boys act naughty, when they are bound and determined to piss me off, to get under my skin, to do anything humanly possible to annoy me and set me off, IT ISN’T INTENTIONAL.

They aren’t out to make me yell, they aren’t out to get me (even though trust me, it sure as h*ll feels like it) they are just out to have fun. To enjoy life. To experience life in the way they know how. Which at times, sure looks pretty gosh darn naughty (um filling the bathtub with not 1, not 2, but 3 bottles of bath soap from under the cabinet?) and feels like a big ‘ole nuisance (um, cleaning up an entire case of eggs dropped on the floor as an experiment?)

But these moments, while frustrating as all can be, are actually pretty darn awesome. They are picture perfect in an a*s backwards kind of way. Because they show my boys not just being kids, but being people. They show them being Creative. Joyful. Resourceful. Entertaining. The list goes on and on. Yes, these moments of naughtiness are sometimes actually nuggets of awesomeness. And when they are, I stop, grab the camera (that’s you!), and pray that they keep being “naughty” so that I can catch the picture. So that I can remember forever the horrifically wonderfully amusing behavior. Yes, sometimes I even encourage them to keep doing what they are doing (GASP!) instead of reprimanding them.

And I am okay with that. Because I have learned that lots of moments that appear to be yelling moments really aren’t. They might be call for gentle discipline and reminders not to do that again, but they don’t deserve yelling. Or shaming. Or scolding. They deserve to be remembered. And I am grateful that as more days pass I take more and more pictures with you of said “naughty” behavior and follow up with gentle teaching because really, not only does that feel better inside, but it feels great to be able to watch my kids enjoy life in a carefree way.  In a way I struggle with so much as an adult.

That is what I love about kids. It’s cliché but true. They live life with less inhibitors and it can be pretty amazing to witness and can be one of the best parts of parenting. If I remember to chill out and enjoy the view. If I remember to grab my camera and not my yelling voice!

It ain’t easy. But lot’s of the time it’s worth it. I mean just look at all these kiddos enjoying life, being people, just like you and me. Okay, well, like me. Look at all the wonderful, not naughty, moments captured by your friends of kids being…

…CURIOUS!

Photo courtesy Beth T.

…PLAYFUL!

Photo courtesy Caryn B.

…RESOURCEFUL!

Photo courtesy Meghan T.

…EXPERIMENTAL!

Photo courtesy Alison C.

…DETERMINED!

Photo courtesy Becky

…ENTERTAINING!

Photo courtesy Jenny F.

…CREATIVE!

Photo courtesy Mary Rose S.

…PROUD!

Photo Courtesy Darlene W.

…INVENTIVE!

Photo courtesy Eva L.

…DRIVEN!

Photo courtesy An F.

…ENTHUSIASTIC!

Photo courtesy Robin J.

…OUT RIGHT RIDICULOUS!

Photo courtesy The Orange Rhino's 4 year old...

*

Yeah, my kids are a lot of things: curious, playful, resourceful, experimental, determined, entertaining, creative, proud, inventive, driven, enthusiastic and out right ridiculous! And yeah, sometimes they are truly naughty and they make me want to yell. But more often than not, it’s not that they are that THAT naughty, it is just that I find their behavior annoying at the time because it is a nuisance to clean up, to manage, to fix. More often than not, they are just enjoying life. More often than not, they are pretty awesome. And I am glad this challenge has helped me to realize that – has helped me to see the good more so than the bad. Of course I wish I discovered that earlier. But hey, it is never too late. It is never too late.

145 days without yelling, 220 days of loving more to go!

Dear Napoleon Hill,

You wrote:

“No man has a chance to enjoy permanent success until he begins to look in a mirror for the real cause of all his mistakes.”

Whoa.

I looked in the mirror last week and you are right. Looking in the mirror scared the sh*t out of me in a truly impactful and motivating way (read here, Why I used to yell at my kids). Realizing that I yelled at my kids because I could, because they couldn’t yell back at me made me beyond uncomfortable. I truly feel that looking in the mirror last week, while dreadful, will permanently lead me to remove yelling from my parenting style.

So thank you.

The Orange Rhino

*

Words can’t really say how uncomfortable I feel to have realized that I yelled at my kids because I could, because they don’t have the POWER to bring me down like an adult. Well, words could but the truth is I don’t want to see the words on paper. I don’t want to admit to the thoughts this realization conjured up it my head. Because they kind of scared me. No, not kind of. They DID scare me.

In fact, when I went  to find a picture on line to go with my post I couldn’t share what I found because what I saw frightened me. The pictures looked eerily familiar. It felt like I was looking in the mirror and it WAS ROUGH. It made me physically uncomfortable to see pictures of “mommy yelling at kids.” It looked like this:

And this…

Did I really used to be that person? Did I used to scream down at my kids, literally and figuratively, in a way that made them shutter, and cry, and cower from me? Did I used to yell at my kids for loud that they stopped looking at me? Oh, yes, I did. I was that person in the pictures.

I shuttered looking at the images. Literally. They kicked me in the a*s. Just two pictures brought back such powerful, bad memories of what I used to look like, how I used to feel. They brutally reminded me me that Yelling is scary. It’s ugly. It’s awful. It was me. I might not have been that person every day but I was that person enough to want to change, to want to stop experiencing the raw, gut-wrenching emotions of guilt, disappointment, sadness, and anger with myself for yelling at my kids so harshly at times.

And yet here I am 145+ days from feeling these emotions and I find myself slipping a bit, taking my “success” for granted, forgetting the depth of those emotions these pictures conjured up and how I didn’t want to feel them again. I am still not yelling, I am still abiding by my Orange Rhino Challenge rules, but every once and a while I have been close to breaking the rules. And I don’t like it. On occasion I have even found myself thinking oh I couldn’t have been THAT BAD of a yeller, right? What is one little yell here and there? Is this challenge REALLY necessary?

The answer is yes.
YES this challenge is really necessary for me.
YES I was that bad of a yeller.
YES every little yell counts.

Because for me and the way I operate, one yell leads to two which leads to three which eventually leads to the Raging, Lunatic, Level 7 scream which brings such fear – my kids fear in me and my fear in myself. While I have on occasion forgotten what it felt like to yell at my kids, I have never forgotten the fear I have of being honest, really, really, really honest, about the type of mom I am. Loving, yes? Unacceptably dreadful at times? YES. What had I become?? I wasn’t the loving, patient, soft spoken yet firm disciplinarian. I was a screaming mother and I never thought I would be a screaming mother. I never thought I would make my kids fear me.

And I also never thought that I could change. I never believed that I could learn to stop yelling at my kids. But I could. I have learned to not be the parent in those two pictures. And I truly hope that this lesson is permanent. It has to be. There is no other option.

P.S. I know it is kind of interesting that a comic-type picture can get to me so much. I  guess that just goes to show how bad my feelings were about yelling at my boys that such a picture could make me feel so awful again!

141 days without yelling, 224 days of loving more to go!

Dear Exercise,

Last night my dear hubby made me want to scream. We had just returned from taking #2 to a Doctor’s appointment and I left the office nervous and my husband left feeling anything but. Which is not a shocker.  We respond in complete opposite manners to medical diagnoses and this ALWAYS leads to a fight. But last night instead of picking a fight and quickly becoming resentful of the situation, I got up, politely excused myself and turned away before I lost it. I turned to you and WOW. The. Best. Workout. In. Weeks. Hello stress relief!!! An added bonus? Working out cleared my brain (thank you!) and opened it up to a profoundish  thought, ya ready?

Why is it that my husband infuriated me beyond words last night and I didn’t yell yet when my kids used to infuriate me I immediately yelled?

Hmmmm,
The Orange Rhino

*

Why is it that I find all the will power in the world to not yell at my husband,
yet I barely used to think twice about yelling at my kids?

Why is it that in 11 years of knowing my husband I have only yelled at him a handful of times,
yet in my 6 years of parenting I used to yell on average at least 11 times a week?

Why is it that I almost always stay calm when “talking” to my husband
yet with my kids I used to go from calm to yelling in 5 minutes flat?

Why is it that I when my conversations with my husband aren’t going anywhere but downhill, I can find the strength to walk away, yet when the same happened with my kids, I started yelling and kept yelling?

Why is it that I have the ability to decipher which fights with my husband to let slide, which ones just aren’t worth the battle, yet with my kids I felt every fight is worth it? That every fight I needed to be right, I need to assert my opinion, I needed them to hear what I say and agree and follow it?

Is it because my husband is 36ish and my kids are under 6?
Is it because I am with my husband only on the weekends but I am with my kids all day long?
Is it because I am a newbie at parenting and don’t know any better?

Or is it because I know that my husband has the power to yell back at me, that my yelling isn’t a one way street? That if he wanted he could make me feel small, wrong, and awful inside? That as an adult he has the knowledge and ability to say things that would make me feel worse than how I felt before the fight? That he can bring me to tears?

Yes. I think this is the REAL reason.

I hate to say it but I do think I yell less at my husband not because of his age or the amount of time we spend together but because I know that if I yell at him, he can return the favor. And it wouldn’t be pretty. Sure having young kids who are still learning to listen, to control their behavior, will bring out the desire to yell a lot more than when dealing with a so-called “mature adult”…but at the end of the day I know that if I yell at my husband I’ll end in tears and I don’t want to end up in tears! But if I yell at my kids, I won’t be in tears, they would be. Because at their current age, they can’t yell back at me in the same way my husband can. Sure they can continue to not listen, continue to misbehave, continue to drive me nuts, but they can’t yell at me in the way that would really, truly hurt my feelings.

At the end of the day if I yell at my husband there is an immediate consequence, an immediate attack at me, my argument, my confidence which serves as a great motivator not to yell. Because yelling hurts. But, if I yell at my kids the consequence is delayed, the guilt, the disappointment in myself, it all comes later and even then it usually isn’t on the same level of crappiness as I feel when being yelled at.

At the end of the day, I yelled at my kids because I could. Because I felt that the consequences weren’t “that bad.”  Because they couldn’t yell back.

But I know firsthand that being yelled at sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. It makes me feel small. It makes me cower. It makes me feel embarrassed, unworthy. And I hate it. I hate being yelled at. There are no other words to describe how I feel about being yelled at. It is that simple. So I do everything I can to keep from yelling at my husband, or any adult for that matter because I don’t want to get what I give. I walk away until I can speak “nicer”, I stay calm, I decide to let some things slide. I don’t yell at adults. Period.

So if I know how much it sucks to be yelled at it, and I fight my hardest to not engage in yelling battles, why did I yell at my kids for so long?

Again, because they couldn’t yell back at me.

Eeeech. I REALLY don’t like the sound of that.

But it’s the truth.

And I am really glad that I have started to change the truth. That my truth now is that I don’t yell at my kids. I am glad that the so called manageable consequences grew and grew and became unmanageable, unacceptable to me and forced me to change. Because I love my kids. And I don’t want them to feel how I have felt ever again.

IMPORTANT NOTE: My husband and I do truly rarely scream at each other. I am fortunate for that. My experiences of being yelled at are from my entire life: from friends, family, teachers, strangers, etc…. I just used my husband as an example tonight because our “fight” is what got me thinking.  

140 days without yelling, 225 days of loving more to go!

Dear #3,

Oh I love you so. A few weeks back I wrote about a time when I snapped at you (read here), when I felt frustrated with you because you couldn’t use your words. I wrote about wanting to hear the words “I love you” come from your mouth, unprompted. I wrote about how much I love you, how much I am going to keep trying to be patient with you so that I can help you get over your speech delay.

And well, the effort is paying off. It is SO paying off. You still haven’t told me you loved me. But today you said something else, something equally if not more powerful and it made me cry.

We were driving in the car talking about Safari Animals and the following conversation unfolded:

Mommy:             Okay boys what other animals are Safari Animals?
#1:                      Lions, tigers, cheetahs!
#2:                      Um, giraffe?
#1:                      And RHINO, don’t forget Rhinos!
#3:                      Yeah. Rhinos’.  Orange Rhinos. They can’t Yell. Yelling not nice. Mommy is Orange Rhino.

Mommy (tears in both eyes, smiling from ear to ear, grinning so large it almost hurt. Grinning because he spoke an almost full sentence AND because he showed that he comprehended what the Orange Rhino is all about. He gets it people. HE GETS IT!):
That’s right Kiddo! Way to go!

#3:                          Yeah, Mommy is an Orange Rhino. You can’t yell mommy but you pick your nose.

Oh sweetheart, I don’t pick my nose, your brother is the one who does but YEAH for you. A full sentence! YEAH for us. We are both making progress. And I love you. And I love that you can now call out “Orange Rhino” to me just like your brothers when I get cranky. And I love that you are trying so hard. And mostly I love that I was losing faith this week. I was feeling disappointed in your progress, feeling like you would never catch up to your peers and feeling nervous that your speech delay would someday be a real problem for you.

And yet here you are, proving me wrong. Showing me that you are progressing on so many levels. Picking me UP.

And I couldn’t be happier. You made me want to scream from the top of the minivan with joy!

I love you kiddo,
xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

I am amazed that hearing the phrase “Mommy is an Orange Rhino” filled me with such emotion. That it brought tears to my eyes. Who would have ever thunk it? I thought “I love you” or “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Mother’s Day” would have been the phrases to put me over. And they still might be. But Orange Rhino?

Really?

I think what did me in was realizing that he can now verbally be a part of something that the rest of our family (minus the little munchkin of course) has been sharing and doing together for 140 days. That he is now that much closer to being able to talk and engage with us more easily and more frequently. That he seems to really get how important The Orange Rhino is to me. That HE,  my son, picked me up. That he taught me to keep believing, to not give up, that progress does happen that I just have to be patient.

Every day is a new day. Every day he adds more words. He is working so hard, I need to focus on that. I need to believe that his language is developing instead of feeling disappointed that the process is slow.

Because the progress is there – I just need to look for it.

Does that last line resonate with anyone? Feeling like you are still yelling and making no progress? Or that progress is slow? Share your thoughts in the comments or in Facebook. Maybe you are making progress too? 

138 days without yelling, 227 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Blog Counter,

It is 7:47 pm on Saturday June 23, 2012, also known as 47 minutes past bedtime on the day I almost yelled. I should have known the minute I woke up that it was going to be one of those days and that I should just stay in bed. You know, one of those days when everything bothers me. Where everything makes me want to yell ENOUGH, KNOCK IT OFF, LEAVE ME ALONE!! When every moment I think I pull it together, for good, and then bam, a trigger is set off. Yeah, I had one of those days. And oh was it not fun! I’m just glad it is over and that I didn’t yell. And not because that meant I didn’t have to re-set you to 0 but because I love my kids too much to take out my issues on them. Yes, I have issues. Just because I have “stopped” yelling doesn’t mean I don’t have other areas to work on!

Let’s keep ticking towards 365, shall we?
The Orange Rhino

*

Let’s review the day.

Teething, cranky, crying baby? Check.
Constipated, crying toddler? Check.
Over tired, mischievous 4 year old? Check.
Out-of-sync without school schedule, worried about Kindergarten, not listening 5 year old? Check.

And that is just the kids.

Not feeling well mommy? Oh Check, check, check.
Very tired mommy despite 4 nights of “good” sleep? Check.
Preoccupied and scared mommy because of not feeling well and having drs. appointments ahead? Check.
Overwhelmed mommy at the site of 4 moving boxes from a year ago to unpack? Check.
Moody mommy due to baby almost turning one and being in denial that this is our last baby? Check.

Have I covered all my triggers that make me want to scream? Um no. There is one big one. One that really put me over, that really put me on edge and barely able to keep it together. And guess what, it had NOTHING I repeat NOTHING to do with my kid’s behavior. Or my husband’s actions. IT had everything to do WITH ME and my insecurities.

When I feel insecure, when I feel socially nervous, when I feel less than everyone around me, I become, well a b*tch to everyone close to me. And everything bothers me, everything makes me want to SCREAM!!! And that is exactly what happened this afternoon.

We took the kids to the local pool in town. As is, going to pools with 4 kids under 6 years makes me nervous. Understandably. A pool and young kids is gosh darn hard work, it’s exhausting, and it’s nerve wracking. But alas I knew it was important to my kiddos so I told my nerves to take a hike and we went to the pool anyway.

WELL I forgot how I get when I am (1) nervous about my kids safety and (2) nervous about fitting in. Yup, you read that right. Fitting in, or lack thereof. It’s one of my BIGGEST TRIGGERS.  I have never ever in my life felt like I have fit in. I have always felt like an outsider. The third wheel (in fact, I pretty much always have been the third wheel). And if I wasn’t the third wheel, I have felt like the outcast because of how I look (physically), how I dress (lack of style), what age I am (yup, every situation I am in I am at least 5 years younger than everyone and yup everyone points that out to me), and my current stage in life being different than those around me (single, then married, working, then stay at home mom to 1 child, then 4). It is a very rare occasion that I “fit” into the social environment that surrounds me.

And it is so hard for me. Because really, who likes to feel like an outcast, to feel like they don’t belong? I don’t. And well, I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. I know so much of this feeling is me and not reality. And trust me I KNOW I need to work on it. Especially after today. Because today it impacted how I react to my kiddos, it impacted the experiences I can create for them.

One step onto the pool deck and all my feelings of inadequacies hit me in the face and I became tense and short. Everywhere I looked where thin, fit, beautiful moms. With well behaved children (my 2 year old was screaming. Loudly.) Everywhere I looked were groups of people, of friends, having fun together. We were there alone. No one said hi to us. Nor should they have, but still, I felt out of place. I felt weird. I felt like an outcast.

And when I feel this way, I get REALLY anxious and snippy and unpleasant. Add this to my already existing nerves about managing 4 kids at a pool… and well all I wanted to do was cuddle up under a beach towel and hide or yell at anything that annoyed me (which when I am overly anxious is EVERYTHING.)

Well hiding wasn’t an option and yelling at my son for screaming wasn’t an option (nor would it help). Yelling at my kids for pulling at my swim suit wasn’t an option (nor was it necessary). Yelling at my son for having to go the bathroom AGAIN wasn’t an option (nor was it nice). Yelling at my husband for making us go to the pool wasn’t an option (besides, it wasn’t his fault, I agreed to go). Yelling at the world that I felt uncomfortable, that I just wanted to go home where I didn’t feel all eyes watching me wasn’t an option.

The only option I had was to get over my trigger. The only option I had was to find the strength to keep it together. And I found it in my kids. I found it in their laughter as they splashed each other and then worked together to soak me.

I survived the hour of what felt like torture and I came home and managed to slowly come out of my shell. Somehow I became pleasant again and lost the desire to unnecessarily yell at everyone for everything. Oh wait, not somehow. I know how.

I posted on The Orange Rhino Challenge facebook page the following:

“Posting here so I do not yell.
Today has been a hard day.
It seems every single trigger has been set off. At least once.
Trying my hardest people.
Trying my hardest.”

And guess what? The second I pressed “post” I felt better. I felt my desire to yell drift away. Just writing the words “So I do not yell” and “Trying my hardest” reminded me of my goal and to keep on trying, no matter how anxious and preoccupied I still felt. And then a few of you chimed in, in support and I really felt better. And I made it through the day. And the day became “The Day I Almost Yelled…but Didn’t!” Phew.

132 days without yelling, 233 days of loving more to go!

Dear Kitchen,

Oh how I love you when you are clean, when you are clutter free! When the only things by the sink are hand soap and dish soap. When the bread is in the bread drawer. When the kids school work is hung on the wall instead of in a pile waiting to be hung up.  When the craft supplies are in their cabinet AND in their proper container. When the day’s mail is in the mail basket. When the backpacks are hanging on their hooks. You get the idea. I love you when your counters have nothing on them but what belongs. Don’t feel bad, I like you well enough on the other days, but when you are truly clutter free? Oh you make my heart sing!!!

xoxo and PLEASE stay clutter free,
The Orange Rhino

*

I wrote the above blurb last week when I was torn between wanting to blog and wanting to organize, wanting to clean. I obviously chose cleaning since this never got posted! I started writing but quickly realized that my desire to blog as a means of staying yell-free was counterproductive because with a disorganized closet taunting me daily, it was just a matter of days before I lost it. If I didn’t clean, if I didn’t get the majority of my world clutter free soon, l would scream. I mean really scream. And not just at the air. I would scream at my kids.

I know it sounds silly to most. Even my dear husband doesn’t get it. My mom doesn’t get it. But the site of clutter literally makes me unhinged. I go berserk. Okay, maybe that is a bit extreme but at times clutter does make me feel overwhelmed. I start breathing heavy, I start getting antsy, I start feeling impatient. And inevitably if a “clutter attack” hits, I start snapping at my kids for no reason. And when a really bad “clutter attack” hits, like in the past, oh do I scream bloody murder.

I still vividly remember walking into the kitchen one morning not too long before the Orange Rhino Challenge and seeing piles of sh*t f all over the kitchen counter and the family room. Everywhere my eyes turned loose papers taunted me, primary colored toys taunted me, shoes taunted me. They all said “neener neener neener, we’re out of place, don’t you hate it….”(um, Yes!)

My son then innocently and ever so sweetly said “Mommy?” and I roared, I mean ROARED back at him “What do you want?!!” Understandably, he burst into tears.

“I just wanted to say good morning and give you a hug.”

Well, who was the pile of sh*t now?

Moi.

I looked at my husband. Tears in my eyes. “Honey. Everywhere I turn is sh*t to be put away. It is never ending. I know I am supposed to let it go but I can’t. It reminds me of ALL I have to do and yet never get to. It reminds me of how chaotic my day is, how I am never caught up. It drives me nuts!!!”

“It’s okay,” he reassured me but really, it wasn’t. I wanted to scream some more. I wanted to grab garbage bags and fill them with all the piles of paper and out of place toys and then head to the dump.

But what I really wanted that morning, and EVERY MORNING, was not just a clean counter, but some order. Clean counters bring me calm. Clean closets bring me calm. Clean bedrooms bring me calm. Because they represent order. And right now with 4 boys under 5, I hardly have real order and I crave it. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me sane.

Ever since I made my resolution to spend a mere 5 to 10 minutes a night to pick up my clutter piles last week, I have felt that calm. And it. is. Awesome. Fabulous. Beyond amazing. Every morning when the boys and I come downstairs into the organized kitchen, I smile. I might be surrounded by four ravenous and screaming boys demanding milk and cereal and this and that, but my counters are clutter free and it brings me peace. And it keeps me from yelling and snapping. Seriously.

How do I know?

Because this past Saturday we had a wedding and I didn’t have 10 minutes to pick up before heading out. Then on Sunday we went away for Father’s Day and I still didn’t pick up. And this morning, once I finally unloaded all our stuff from yesterday and started to clean up I realized all the sh*t that had accumulated.

And I immediately became grumpy. I looked around and saw a world of “to-do”s of “to-put-aways” and I felt overwhelmed and inevitably I snapped. An acceptable snap per my rules, but still.

So today we have cleaned. And I feel better. And tonight I will get back to my resolution of just 5 to 10 minutes of picking up to stay on top of the problem. Why? Because it keeps me sane. It keeps me from yelling.

Every little bit counts. Such a cliché, and of course, so true. Every little bit of cleaning up keeps me that much more calm. And every little bit of more calm keeps me not yelling. And every little moment of not yelling, well, is a HUGE win.

126 days without yelling, 239 days of loving more to go!

Dear Doctor,

Do you remember those symptoms I had back in January ish? The ones that led to all sorts of scary tests all that yielded no real result? Well they are back. They get worse every day that passes. They are to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. They are to the point where I am scared. Scared to make an appointment to see you. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse. It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to call you I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids. Literally and figuratively. Literally I wouldn’t want to throw up when I swing with them and figuratively because when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. A lot. So what am I waiting for??

I don’t know,
The Orange Rhino

*
So, what am I waiting for? I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment.  I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away!

You see, I know that my doctor’s appointment, the one that I am avoiding successfully, is going to result in one or two things: something wrong or something that requires therapy, ie. more scheduled appointments and more time away from my kids.  But I can’t avoid it anymore. My procrastination party is over as my husband spent three days with me and witnessed the symptoms left and right. And he is worried. So sh*t when I return to the doctors I will go.

And what will I say?

That my eyes hurt. That I get dizzy easily. That I am afraid of escalators because I fear I will fall. That I can’t pick my boys up and spin them around even once because then I can’t stand up for half an hour. That I can’t rock my baby to sleep at night because it makes me dizzy. That I can’t make eye contact because it hurts. That I can’t stare into my baby’s eyes when I sing to him because it hurts. That I can’t read because it hurts.

And what will she say? I don’t know. My guess is that I’ll go to the eye doctor again, then the neurologist again and then maybe and Ear Nose Throat doctor or maybe Occupational Therapy. In my gut I am sure it is not a brain tumor (as they thought back in January) and it is not that I need glasses (they tested my eyes in January) but that I need Occupational Therapy. I say this with semi confidence because my sons go to OT and their wonderful OT is always talking about dizziness and this and that. So I have self diagnosed myself as needing to work on my core and my vestibular system. Just like #1.

But guess what? My self diagnosis isn’t enough. I need to get to the doctor because what if I am wrong? And forget right versus wrong. I need to get to the doctor because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good. In fact right now, it hurts. Literally.

What is the worst that can happen if I go to the doctor??

Nothing. There is only upside. They find something wrong, then we fix it. They find nothing wrong, then I can sleep easier.

I know there are boat loads of clichés and motivational sayings about procrastinating and I am hesitant to share them here. But at the same time I am finding that I could afford to read some, to make me pick up the phone. But instead I found some numbers that will do the job.

December 2006
July 2008
November 2009
July 2011

Those are the birth months and years of my sons. Oops, just realized I need to add another one.

December 10^th.

That would be my husband’s birthday.

I am going to call the doctor because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

(Note: I wrote this Friday night at the airport. Then I called the doctor and scheduled an appointment for Monday and I missed it. Oops. And I have yet to re-schedule. I share this post tonight so that I can get myself motivated to call tomorrow. The more and more I casually hear stories about changing habits the more I learn about the importance of sharing your goal with others because it creates accountability. The way I see it by posting this I have a chance of 200 people Facebooking me to see if I made an appointment, so I had better! Anyone see the parallel to The Orange Rhino Challenge?! And the other ones? My husband read this and suggested not posting it; he said it was too much about me and not enough about yelling. But I disagree. I’ve taken all the bold lines and put them together. Have a read. It’s Parallel Paradise.)

(My yelling) gets worse every day that passes.  (It’s) to the point where I can’t enjoy some basic things with my children. So I am procrastinating which of course only makes matters worse (I feel crappier about my yelling so I yell more). It doesn’t make the symptoms go away. It just adds more worry to my mind and creates a huge, growing, nagging item on my to-do list. If I could just find the courage to (stop yelling) I could add some major improvement to my day and not to mention more quality time with my kids (because) when I have a nagging to-do I am often so preoccupied that I snap. So what am I waiting for??

I am waiting for the symptoms to just go away on their own (ie. the kids to just start behaving) and at the same time I am waiting for them to get really bad so that I have no choice but to make an appointment (ie. waiting for an epiphany). I am waiting for my stubbornness to go away. Shoot, I am waiting for the excuses to go away (ie. I won’t succeed, It will be too hard, It’s not worth it, I don’t yell that much!)

But I can’t avoid it (my yelling “problem”) anymore.

I need to (stop yelling) because I can’t enjoy some basic things with my boys that I love to do and that scares me and makes me sad. I sit here uncertain of what is wrong with me (why I can’t stop yelling) but certain of one thing:

Procrastination does no one good (it just makes me anxious and ready to snap or yell at anyone in my way). In fact right now, it hurts. Literally. (Yelling hurts).

What is the worst that can happen (if I try to stop yelling?)

Nothing. There is only upside. (I, you? can try for one day and find that at least 1 moment, maybe more, you chose not to yell and you didn’t! You learn that you can not yell. Major upside.)

I am going to (stop yelling) because of my kids. Because of my husband. Because I love them and they deserve me to be at my best.

So I ask you, what are the numbers that will make you stop procrastinating about that 1 thing that is nagging you? What are the numbers that will get you to try to stop yelling? To try The Orange Rhino Challenge?