20 days down, 345 to go!

Dear Day 20,
Wow, you sure know how to go out with a bang…and a splash! As if I hadn’t had a long enough day as is, you seemed to find it necessary to have my 2 ½ year old bang against his door incessantly for 20 minutes in protest of bedtime at the same time that my 6 month old “decided” to throw up at least 6 ounces of Nutramigen Formula on me. And when I say on me, I mean at my chest in the exact perfect location so that it could splash up into my mouth (which was ajar in disbelief as to what was happening) while simultaneously gush down into my shirt and then trickle down to rest in my belly button. I generally prefer to celebrate accomplishments, like making it through Day 20, with something bubbly, like champagne, not something that smells like regurgitated cat throw up. When we get to 200 days without yelling can we please celebrate in a little more dignified way? We have 180 days to plan something grand. Let’s get cracking…

Thanks,

The Orange Rhino

*

Wow. What a day, what a night. The day turned out better than I expected. But I had my moments where I thought I would lose it. Oh did I have my moments. Like this one:

Rotten milk anyone?

And this one.

You're kidding me, right?

Oh and this one.

Wow, these go around so much faster when covered in throw-up....

God knows who took the milk out of the fridge and how long it had been sitting there when I found it. And god knows why #3 thinks that my fridge is a jungle gym. And god knows why babies like to have explosive dirty diapers and throw up in the Exersaucer  – taking my third arm out of commission for the day so that I can clean no drain and sanitize it. I had a lot of those moments today. Moments where I just wanted to scream,
“What the ….?!” Lots of these moments added up to a very very long day.

But then there was the moment after my baby threw up where even though we both were dripping in vomit, he looked right at me, oblivious of the smell, and smiled. Or when I finally went into #3’s room after 30 minutes of hysterical cleaning (I had to clean up the nursery rug and shower or I was going to throw up too) and he said “Schnuggle mommy. Mommy schnuggle. Mommy head down. Pillow. Hug me” and then he reached over with his arm to pull me close to him.

Even though I had told myself tonight was the night, that I was done with #3’s new refusal  to put himself to sleep since I know he knows how, when I put him back into bed and his arm reached up, I couldn’t do it. He had me at “schnuggle.” And so I sat there and watched him fall asleep. And even though I told myself I wouldn’t rub his back or play with his hair, I would just sit there with no contact or talking…like my sleep book would tell me…I couldn’t do it. He just looked too sweet.

It’s amazing how at 2 ½ years old he can still look as sweet as the day he was born. It’s amazing how 1 minute earlier I was ready to scream at the top of my lungs “SHUT UP and go to sleep” and let Day 20 slip away. And how now 1 minute later, I don’t want the moment to end. I am really grateful I didn’t yell at this moment – because then not only would I have made #3 more hysterical and thus it would have taken me that much longer to get to my leftover Birthday cake, but also I would have been too worked up to appreciate watching him fall asleep (not to mention he would have fallen asleep feeling hurt and unloved. Certainly not the way I like to fall asleep…..)

I remember clearly saying to my mom when my oldest son was about 3 months that these were the longest, shortest days of my life. And that is what makes them the hardest. It’s not my lack of sleep or the kid’s behavior that makes the days hard, it’s that they are filled with such highs and such lows. The highs make the day short – because there just isn’t enough time in the day to stay in the moment. Like when my baby turns and reaches for me to be held or when #2 says “mommy, I love you for helping me take off all my clothes so I can poop without getting them dirty.” And the lows, like #1 and #2 fighting over legos at 5:40 in the morning, well the lows, can make the day feel like it’s going to eat me alive! Until of course a high comes along, and then all is well with the world of mommyhood.

Being a mom is like riding a horse on a merry go round. One minute I am ready to jump off and make a run for it (to the spa perhaps?!) and the next i just want to stay put and never get off. I never know how to feel, it’s mentally exhausting! Up and down, up and down, up and down. Somedays are filled with so much love and so much anger/frustration at the same time that I’m wiped out by noon!

And not only is being a mom tiring, but it’s infuriating. I want to enjoy each moment (well the good ones) but it is so hard because the bad, or rather challenging moments, suck the life right out of me leaving little left to enjoy the good moment that is coming up any minute on a good day, an hour or two on a bad day. And sometimes I am so zapped from the bad moments that I don’t even realize when a good moment is happening…and then passing…like this morning when I was *busy* being annoyed that #1, #2, and #3 were getting soap and water everywhere while washing their hands. I was too entrenched to realize something awesome was happening right in front of me. They were “washing off germs together”, without being asked to, so they could play with the baby but keep him healthy. Sigh. THANK GOD I was just annoyed at that moment today and didn’t yell at them for being so considerate. Then I really would have felt like an a*s.  Instead I only felt like a partial a*s for being annoyed in the first place. Making progress. Making progress.

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18 days down, 347 to go!

Dear Tom Cruise,

Here's to you Tom!

This post is dedicated to you Tom Cruise and a friend who helped me get this blog going who is in Labor right now! She sent me an email saying “I’ll be out of touch for a bit, I’m in labor.” I laughed because that is something I would do…did do…send work emails while being in Labor. I wrote back: “No worries. Good luck and remember NO YELLING! LOL” And so Tom, I thought of you and all the hub-bub around how Katie Holmes had to deliver Suri without making noise. I don’t know the details (and this isn’t a religious or political post!) I just remember something about silence and peace. Today, I get that. Not yelling for 18 days has brought peace to my house and to me. But dear friend in labor…in my book, having just been there and done that, now is no time to feel the need to be peaceful. The peace will come when that beautiful boy arrives. Until then, yell away!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

A Silent Birth. Yeah there was no way in h*ll that I could have delivered my 4^th son silently.  You see, the epidural had stopped working (as it always does for me) and I went from 4 cm to #4 in about 20 minutes, if that. Around 2:25 pm I asked the nurse to get the Anesthesiologist because I knew the drugs were wearing off – she came back 5 minutes later to say he was coming and I said, “Don’t bother, the baby is coming NOW!” She didn’t believe me since I had JUST been checked and was barely 4 cm. But she got the doctor anyway. Smart move.

The doctor came in (all smug like, lady, you ain’t delivering it’s not like you’ve done this three times and know your body or anything….) did the exam and then promptly said “Don’t move. The head is there. We’re not ready and he’s coming out on his own.”  See, I told you I was having this baby!!! Not only was he practically delivering himself fast and furiously, but he was coming out at an angle since he was still partially breeched. So it kind of hurt. You know, just a wee little bit. And I was kind of screaming just a wee little bit.

After three pushes, and a heck of a lot of swearing, #4 arrived and he was absolutely perfect. I just held him in my arms, tears of joy and amazement dripping down my face, and fell in love all over again for the 5^th time in my life. Holding my son for the first time in my arms is the most overwhelming, powerful feeling ever. Words won’t do it justice. The world stopped for that minute when I looked down and saw this precious being. My son. And all the nausea, sleepless nights, leg cramps, back aches, and labor pains disappeared. And even though this was my 4^th delivery, I still felt the power of the miracle that just happened take over my body as strongly as when my first son was born.

I felt his little fingers wrap around mine grasping for security after his abrupt arrival…I felt his head nuzzle up against my chest looking for comfort under the bright lights…I felt his eyes peering at me trying to find reassurance that it will be okay in his new world…and I? I felt at peace. All my yelling had stopped and I was at peace.

All the yelling has stopped and I felt at peace.

That amazingly enough describes what The Orange Rhino Challenge has done for me thus far.

All the yelling has stopped and I feel at peace.

Simply put, not yelling for 18 days has filled me, my home, my boys, with more peace. There is less hostility in everyone’s tones. There is less quarrelling between the boys (but let’s be real, there are still fights but they are shorted lived and fewer of them and the house is still  insanely chaotic and I still want to yell, I’m just not!) There is less anxiety in my mind over whether or not I am a good enough mom because I just feel like a better mom, a nicer mom. Whenever I used to yell, whether it was warranted or not, it just filled me with more frustration, more anger. It never made me feel better. The more I yelled, the more agitated person I became and that trickled down to how my kids perceived me and how they acted towards me and each other.

But now, in not yelling, I feel light. I feel free. I feel corny 🙂  But it is all true. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. There is a new sense of calm about me more often than not…. a feeling that I never knew I could achieve. And it feels fantastic. I don’t want to lose this feeling because not only do I feel like a better mom and a nicer mom, I feel like a happier mom. And that is a feeling I’ve been searching for much longer than I care to admit….

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12 days down, 353 to go!

Dear Midnight,

While it was all fun and games hanging out with you these last four nights so that I could “launch” my blog about Not Yelling, it came very close to being counterproductive. Whenever I hang with you, I am WIPED out the next day, the day after and the day after that. And when I am WIPED, I am so much more inclined to yell. And today was no different, actually it was worse. Because last night you introduced me to your friend 1 am and his friend tequila. I certainly haven’t flirted with them in over 15 years. Why I thought it necessary to do so to celebrate my birthday…when I never really drink…and when now I have 4 kids who get up at 6am is beyond me! But alas, I did.

And guess what, against all odds, I made it through today…with a raging headache, 20 hours of sleep collectively over the last four nights, and 4 cranky over-tired-because-of-baby-sitter-last-night children all WITHOUT yelling. I’m still in shock. But don’t get any ideas, just because today went well doesn’t mean we’ll be hanging out anytime soon. If I want to do well on this challenge, I need my sleep.  Speaking of, it’s 8:11.

Good night,

The Orange Rhino

*

Seriously, I’m in shock. Shock, shock, shock. I truly am a yeller. And yet here I am, having gone 12 days without yelling. I just can’t believe it. I truly didn’t think I had it in me. I kind of just assumed I was a Yeller, that it was ingrained in me, a behavior that I couldn’t change. But I am ecstatic to be wrong…this little chat from today is why:

Me:        “#1 (5 years old), so how is mommy doing now with the no yelling thing?”

#1:          “Great. You’re doing great mommy.”

Me:        “Who do you like more, Mommy or Mommy Orange Rhino?”

#1:          “Mommy Orange Rhino. She’s not mean. She doesn’t hurt my feelings and say not nice things.”

Me:        “Oh. Anything else?”

#1:          “Yeah. Mommy Orange Rhino is the bestest.”

He then gave me a huge hug and a kiss. I kid you not.

Wow.

Just thinking about that conversation again blows me away. I don’t know what has me more in shock – the unsolicited hug or the 12 days of not yelling. You see, my son is not one to offer up free hugs and kisses (he just doesn’t like all the physical contact). So for him to suddenly be giving me random hugs and kisses? Well, let’s just say that it made me cry then and its making me cry now.  That’s a pretty damn good sign that this silly project of mine is very well worth my effort. He is totally worth my effort. I’ve lost a lot of sleep and dropped the ball on a lot these last few weeks so I could get this Blog going. But guess what? A random hug from my son telling me I’m the bestest? Totally worth every lost hour of sleep.

Some change is happening in this household, something good.  I’m going to embrace it and keep finding all the strength I have to not yell. Even if it means sometimes (like tonight!) ignoring the dishes, the piles that need picking up, the bills that need paying, and everything else on my to-do list just so that I can go to bed early and get the rest I need to succeed in this challenge. But if I don’t get the sleep I need, because that is how life goes sometimes, at least now I know that even if I am exhausted, I CAN control my voice. I CAN not yell. It’s my choice.

After #1 told me I was the Bestest he disappeared. The house was too quiet. He came back find me and told me he had brushed his teeth. Oh? In the middle of the day? Without being asked? I didn’t say anything, I just waited.Then he looked up, looked me in the eyes and said:

“Mommy, I had 4 of daddy’s valentines chocolates you gave him. And I didn’t ask. But I did brush my teeth. And they were really good. Are you mad?”

Was I mad? Yeah, a little. Eating that many chocolates is generally not good for my son’s ability to stay calm 🙂 but how could I be mad since he told me and was so honest? And for the record, he was very hesitant to tell me. No problem telling me he brushed his teeth, but clearly very worried to tell me about the chocolates. It’s like he expected me to yell at him. Sigh. Can I really blame him?

BEFORE, I would have yelled at him and lectured him on not asking for permission and sugar isn’t good for you and blah, blah, blah. And he wouldn’t have heard a word I said. This time, when I talked to him about it, he actually listened.

Again, the theme of the day. Shock. I’m absolutely shocked.

And so, I’m still choosing to not yell. I’ll take hugs and kisses and honesty over yelling any day of the week.

8 days down, 357 to go!

Dear Day 8,
Tomorrow, you will be a thing of the past. I have no intentions of seeing you again on this journey. I have now TWICE made it to 8 days and that is enough. So, tomorrow, I am going to not yell and I’m going to make it 9 days. You, day 8, will become an achievement, not a goal. I have a hunch it will be hard, though. It’s only 10:33 and the baby has woken up crying 4 times from his cold/earache? which means I have a long night ahead and therefore an even longer day ahead tomorrow. So please, can you put a good word into Day 9 for me? Let her (she will be more understanding than a he, I think) know that I need lots of strength and will power?

Thanks for understanding,

xoxo,

The Orange Rhino

*

I would write more today but alas, my poor sweet baby cries again.

So instead of a long entry,  in honor of President’s month, I will share a quote I stumbled upon. Where you ask? In one of the thousand books my mother-in-law has bought from Hallmark that decorate my bathroom courtesy of my husband. Yes, I sit and read while on the toilet. Not like men do. But in my own way. When my husband is home, sometimes I “go” to the bathroom. Code. I run and hide and lock the door for 5 minutes. It’s great.

Here it is:

“Nothing gives one so much advantage over another as to remain always cool and unruffled under all circumstances.”

~ Thomas Jefferson

That is my inspiration for tomorrow. I will remain cool under all circumstances four boys under 5 can throw my way. And that is a HECK of a lot of circumstances I assure you.

7 Days down, 358 to Go!

Dear My One and Only Love,

It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re apart. You’re there, I’m here. I had grand plans of having chocolate covered strawberries (or nachos!) sent to your hotel room but couldn’t figure out how to make an international call. And then I had grand plans of asking someone in your office to do it for me but instead spent the morning getting distracted by one thing after another.

First, I  had the joy of cleaning up your son’s pee off of the bathroom floor and wall. I didn’t know that pee could come out at a 45 degree angle, did you? Well it can. And it did. Everywhere. I think it is time to potty train #3. Ugh. So not ready for that.

Well after that I tried to make heart pancakes for the boys and for your dad’s birthday. That was an epic failure. I was so distracted by #4 crying incessantly (he has a 102 fever) that when the batter looked a little lumpy, I added buttermilk. Turns out, I had forgotten the 3 eggs, not the buttermilk. Lets just say the pancakes tasted, um, a little interesting today.

Next up I took #3 to speech and then #1 to Reading Class and then it was time to decorate Valentine’s cookies and before I knew it was the dinner, bath, and bed. And I didn’t talk to you once. Or even send you chocolate covered strawberries.

Or even tell you that I love you.

So I’ve decided that I am dedicating this blog to you.

A week ago I wrote the following. It has yet to be posted since I’m backblogged, but now seems fitting to share with you.

*     *     *     *     *

Me reading a Blog entry to my husband.

“I ask again, non-existent Orange Rhino followers, will you help me? I know I *should* be able to do this on my own. But its hard. I need the support. I need to feel successful again. I need to find faith in myself. I don’t know where or how my confidence got lost, but it’s gone. And quite frankly, I miss the person that it belonged too. All that’s left is a shell of that person. And I’m pretty sure my husband misses her too. And I guarantee the boys would love to meet her.”

Husband: “Um, that’s really dark sounding. Are you having a mid-thirties crisis? Isn’t writing supposed to make you feel better? Isn’t this supposed to be a positive experience?”

Me: “It is. I have all the feelings inside of me. They aren’t knew. They’ve been with me forever (or so it seems). I don’t tell them to anyone. So they just bottle up. But in writing, I’m letting them out. Which feels great.”

Him: “Um, okay. So you don’t tell these deep dark feelings to anyone, but, let me see if I can get this right, you are going to share them with the world?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s right.”

Him:“That’s interesting. Good luck with that. I mean, I support you fully.”

Interesting? That’s hardly the word. How about screwed up? Backwards? Ironic? Silly? Risky? Potentially mortifying?

Yeah, it’s all those things and more. But it is just so much easier to tell my feelings to strangers. Don’t know why, it just is. Me and intimacy? We don’t have such an intimate relationship, it’s more like we’re distant relatives who get together once a year at the Thanksgiving table and pretend to have something to talk about. Ha. Me and writing? Much more intimate. I can tell my computer anything and she just lets me. She doesn’t talk back, she doesn’t try to tell me how to feel or what to do or that I am crazy. I think I’m in love with her….

But I do love my husband too, of course. He is crazy supportive of this little endeavor. He is always supportive of me and I am so lucky. I just need to tell him more.

*     *     *     *     *

So dear husband, since I can’t tell you now, I am telling the world (well my 7 readers). I love you. I don’t tell you that enough. Nearly enough. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it weren’t for your support, for your love note telling me I had 1 day down and 364 to go. You push me when I am ready to quit. You tell me I can do it when I am sure I can’t. You love me when I’m not at my most “loveable” which I know has been a lot lately.

When I met you, you made me want to lose weight. Not because you said I was overweight, but because I knew I was going to marry you. I knew I wanted to have a family with you and love you as long as we both shall live. So I knew, if I wanted these things, I needed to get healthy, and I did. You were my inspiration. And now, you are my inspiration again. You work so hard and sacrifice so much to be a good husband and a good father. You know kind of like a good bowl of Fettucine Alfredo 😉 You hardly ever yell. You have the type of patience I dream of. You engage with the boys on a level so unfamiliar to me. You enjoy the moment in a way I am incapable of. You do all of this, and more, despite not having time for yourself and having lots of stress in your life. I am going to kick this challenge’s a*s because when I do, I am certain I will come out being more like you.

I so often hide behind the words of greeting cards at Holidays. I claim that they are written perfectly, that they say exactly what I feel. And so often they do. And so I just sign my name without saying what I feel. You deserve more. I love you. You make me a better person. Every since the day I met you, you’ve made me a better person. You show me how to be a better person, both by example and in how you love me, how you encourage me, how you support me.

I know right now you’re thinking “…go to bed! It’s late you need to take care of yourself.” I know that. But I promised myself that as my Valentine’s gift to you I would tell you exactly how I feel and how appreciated and loved you are.

xoxo

The Orange Rhino.

P.S. Made it through another day! 7 days down. Phew! Seeing as I will be going off of 6 hours sleep tomorrow, please pray for me that I make it through day 8!!! xoxo

4 days down, 361 to go!

Dear Rice Krispies,

I am kind of feeling like you guys right now. Any minute I am going to Snap! Crackle! And POP! It’s amazing how your jingle really quite accurately describes how the whole yelling thing goes down. First it’s an innocent Snap. Then I Crack and let out a nasty snap and before I know it, BAM, the POP comes. I’ve already had a playdate with Snap today and no offense Crackle and POP but I really don’t want to play with you today. I’m on Day 4 and I really want to move on to day 5 tomorrow.

No hard feelings?

The Orange Rhino

*

I am SO on edge today. I just feel the impatience and stress bubbling up under my skin waiting to come out. I feel like any second I am going to scream at someone for no good reason. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my husband woke up cranky and started picking at everything I said the minute he got out of bed. That ALWAYS puts me in a mood, shocking, I know. Or maybe it’s that my in-laws have been here for a few days and while they are very helpful, they also bring an extra level of energy and chit-chat to the house. So there has been NO silence in my house for 5 days.

And I need silence to re-charge. Just a few minutes during the day is all I ask. Ok, that’s a lie. I need at least 30 minutes to remain a normal, loving person and 60 minutes to be extra loving!

And I need at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep which I am so not getting. This is probably the biggest culprit of my bad mood. I am simply not sleeping well at all. I am stressed about balancing this project vs. my job as a mom vs. my job as a housekeeper vs. my job as a self-keeper.  I really want to commit to this project but I am finding that it is taking away much needed time from the other aspects of my life. I simply have so many things on my mind that I want to let out and release. The minute I start writing my fingers just fly and my head starts going in a thousand different directions, wanting to discuss every question, challenge, antidote, fear that I’ve been storing inside for years on end.

With every additional child, there is simply less time in the day to chat with friends and family uninterrupted. So all my feelings are just left bottled up leaving me one really on edge mamma! I could probably type for days and still not have released all my unresolved mommy issues like the whole stay at home vs. work thing, the no more babies discussion, or the I’ve become a bad friend because I have so many kids thing and let’s not forget the I’m just not a good enough mom thing.

But I don’t have days on end to write, or talk.

To release.

And so I yell. Because all the stress of keeping these unresolved issues in my head + my never ending to-do-list leaves me so irritable that the smallest, most ridiculous thing makes me snap. Like #1 talking in an annoying baby voice or #2 insisting he can’t put his shoes on, when he can, or #3 dumping out all the toy baskets. Really? These things are really worth yelling about? They are so not….

I need a place, a way, to release all the stress without Yelling.

The way I see it, maybe I can devote an hour, MAX, to the blog a day. Not nearly the amount of time I want to. Every entry I feel I never write what I want or explain it the way I want.  And then I think it’s not worth posting. Well, who cares. Somehow the writing, no matter how good or bad is keeping me from cracking. It is becoming my much needed release.

How do I know?

I survived the day without yelling. This is personally a really huge accomplishment. HUGE. Anytime I feel as on edge as I did today, I totally lose it and enter Yelling Level 6 at least once, if not twice. So the fact that I didn’t – that I actually stopped and took those much needed deep breaths first – is an improvement. Something here is working. What a release. LOL. I mean relief! Hmmm, coincidence these two words sound identical? I think not.

Day 1, Take 8…

Dear Pee, Toothpaste, and Legos,
You tried your hardest to make me kiss Day 1, Take 8 goodbye. It was an impressive performance and I certainly wanted to yell at you all for tempting me. But I somehow manage to beat you…only to lose it shortly thereafter. Sigh. I can’t even remember why I lost it. Double Sigh. So I am back to Day 1, AGAIN. Triple Sigh.

The Orange Rhino

*

It’s 6:30 in the morning and this is how my diaperless, not-potty-trained 2 ½ year old greets me:

“I peed”

“Um, where?”

“No idea.”

“Well where did you take your diaper off?”

“No idea”

“Can you help me find your pee?”

“Um, no thank you.”

Yes, starting my day on a pee scavenger hunt is JUST how I envisioned the start to my umpteenth attempt to go a day without yelling. If I were a two year where would I pee? In the corner of mommy’s closet where I go to poop in my diaper? Nope. Under daddy’s desk where I also hide to poop? Nope. Oh DUH, I would probably pee where my older brothers do – in the potty! So that’s where I went looking.

I didn’t have to look too hard – the pee was EVERYWHERE and was slowly seeping into every crack in the tile floor and making its way to my bare feet. In fact, the pee was everywhere except in the potty! And it was the first pee since bedtime so not only was there lots of it, but it also smelled righteous! But I was really impressed that #3 tried to go in the potty. Less impressed with the mess but what could I do? I couldn’t yell, so I just laughed. And then thought to myself “sh*t he is clearly getting ready for potty training. I however am so NOT ready for potty training….”

Then I looked up at the counter by the sink. Funny, I didn’t remember having a neon blue counter top. Turned out, my three year old thought it necessary to squeeze out an ENTIRE tube of toothpaste in attempt to get one drop on his toothbrush and then he tried to clean it up himself. Cleaning up being defined as smearing it all around. Again, not so impressed with the mess, but impressed with the attempt to do his morning chores by himself. Again, I couldn’t yell “what the h*ll were you thinking? Why didn’t you ask for help?!” Sh*t. This is HARD.

I made it out of the bathroom without stepping on pee or yelling. Onwards and upwards, into my 5 year old’s room. “OUCH! What the…?!”

“Sorry mom, watch out for the lego.”

The lego? Try LEGOS. They are everywhere; hundreds of little legos with sharp corners waiting to attack my feet.

“Sorry mom¸ I needed to find that one small piece and well….”

“What you needed to dump out all three bins to find it? It’s like…” My voice was starting to rise, my tone was starting to change…I was going to that not-so-happy-almost-screaming-place.

“Orange Rhino Mommy. Orange Rhino.”

Well, done my son. Well done. Thanks for the reminder.

And then we hugged and sang kumbaya and I parented perfectly the rest of the day and we all lived happily every after. The end.

AS IF.

Not 45 minutes later I found myself yelling at #1 and I can’t even tell you why. Um, maybe because he was being fresh? Or because he wouldn’t eat breakfast (again?). Or he wouldn’t get his shoes on? I can’t even remember. Do you know what that tells me? That not only did I enter the raging, irrational mode that I am so not proud of, but also that he clearly did nothing worthy of remembering. Which means one thing: he probably didn’t deserve to be yelled at. I’m sorry buddy. I do love you. And I know I hurt your feelings – you told me so. I’m sorry. Mommy was cranky and took it out on you. Bad mommy.

You know, ever since I started this little challenge, I’ve realized that more often than not, my kiddos never really deserve to be yelled at. I am disappointed in myself for losing it for apparently no good reason, but, and this is a big BUT, I am so relieved that at least I didn’t yell earlier in the day too; because those situations certainly weren’t worthy of yelling.

The pee on the floor? #3 was just trying to be a big boy like his brothers. Can’t fault that.

The toothpaste on the counter? #2 was just trying to please me – especially the cleaning up part. Can’t fault that.

The legos on the floor? #1 was just trying to build something really cool. Can’t fault him for not knowing I was coming into his room at that moment.

And BESIDES, pee, toothpaste, and Legos can ALL be cleaned up. Pee + Toothpaste + Legos = No big deal.

BUT yelling at those moments? That would have been a big deal. Massive crying would have ensued (which is ALWAYS a great way to start the day…) and I would have sent negative – and ridiculous – messages. Please don’t try to go pee in the potty. Please don’t brush your teeth and certainly please don’t try to clean up your mess. Please don’t be creative.

Yeah, those would have been some really stellar parenting lessons.

I am a work in progress.  Tomorrow will be better. At least now I’ll know where to look for the pee.

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Day 1, Take 7, 365 days to go, again

Dear C+C Music Factory,

Oh it’s been a while! All due respect to your song but things don’t make me go “hmmmm” they make me go AHHHHH! I’m trying so desperately hard to figure out the things that make me go “AHHHHH” so I can just go “hmmm” instead. Hope  I figure this out soon because this is DAY 1 TAKE 7. Enough already.

Hmmm….

The Orange Rhino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDxlzFbYfHY (for a little musical flashback!)

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The Things that make me go AHHHH!

Oh where should the list start. Well the last 90 minutes is a perfect summary of the majority of things..

1. That my two year old starts the day whining even after a great night’s sleep, for the 9^th day in a row.
2. That when I go to the bathroom there is pee on the seat, pee on the floor, pee everywhere and the bathroom smells disgusting.
3. That my five year old, despite also having a good night’s sleep, couldn’t keep it together for 20 minutes and is already picking on his 3 year old brother.
4. That my three year old can’t figure it out for the life of him that he should stop kicking his 5 year old brother repeatedly.
5. That my two year is still whining, 90 minutes later. But now he is pulling on my pants, wanting me to change his diaper, to find his measuring tape and his hammer, to put the baby down now. Does he not see that I am feeding the baby?
6. That as I finally finish feeding my dear baby and he lovingly spits up all over both of us so now we smell like regurgitated cat vomit because he is on the hypoallergenic formula. Just lovely.
7. That as I finally get to change my 2 year old’s diaper, my 5 year old and 3 year old are playing “Superbowl” and tackled each other into the granite fireplace and are both bawling.
8. Did I mention that now the baby is whining because he needs to burp again. You know that whine the “ehhhh ehhhh ehhhh ehhhh.” The one that is like fingernails on a chaulkboard but worse and it doesn’t stop?!
9. That it isn’t even 8:30???

HOLY SH*T! What a sh*t show this morning was. An absolute sh*t show. And just when I was starting to lose it my three year old redeemed himself. ORANGE RHINO!!!! Orange Rhino mommy. Yes sir. Thank you for the reminder. You saved me from myself.

But even though you saved me sweet little boy, and I am relieved that I have not lost it and stand a chance at making it through the day not yelling, I can’t help but wonder, what the heck am I doing? Why have I taken on this ridiculous challenge?

Yes this blog is for me, the challenge is for me and my family, but part of me really wants it to take off. I want to have a following. Why? Because I want to have support but also, and more so, I want to see an Orange Rhino community develop that supports everyone struggle  to stop yelling and struggling with parenthood. And I am so afraid, not just of failing the challenge, but of disappointing those who I love, those who are supporting me and those dreams I have of finding a way to support others.

Every day I go up and down. Up and down. One minute I am ecstatic to be doing this project. It feels right. I feel passionate about it. And then the self doubt starts in. The self doubt that is always present. Everything I do, I question myself. Why can’t I just have faith in myself, like I used to when I was young? What happened to me? When did I get lost? Did I get lost when I became a wife? When I became a mom? I don’t know. I just know the confidence I once had in myself is gone.

Just now I stopped typing to think, a whopping 5 seconds and WHAM. The oppressing feeling of self doubt hits hard. “This is silly Orange Rhino. You’re wasting your time. Stop this project now. Focus on something else. Why are you bothering? You won’t be able to do it. You’re fooling yourself. After all, you’re on Day 1. AGAIN! For the 7th time!!!” Oh so of course the other side of my brain tries to kick in to motivate me, but it only motivates me with negative thoughts “You can’t stop now. All you have done since you graduated college is dream of things you want to do.  AND YOU NEVER DO ANY OF THEM. And if you start, you stop. You quit. You are a quitter.”

And then that list of things I’ve never done only got worse when I became a stay at home mom. “You’re home now. You’re not making money. You’re not paying for childcare so you darn well better be a great, not good, but a great mom. You should do this and that and that and this. Why aren’t you doing any of those things?”

Yes, this is how I think and talk to myself. And that is why, if I can find the strength I NEED to do this project. I need to follow through on something, for me. So I am happier with myself and therefore a happier person and by default a better mom. And this is the perfect project if I can find the much needed resolve to do it. This project will not only make me feel better about myself but it also gives my boys a most wonderful gift: a happier, more loving, less yelling mom. It’s a win win. If I can just do it.

I ask again, non-existent Orange Rhino followers, will you help me? I know I *should* be able to do this on my own. But it’s hard. I need the support. I need to find faith in myself, that I can do something if I put my mind to it. I don’t know where or how my confidence got lost, but it’s gone. And quite frankly, I miss the person that it belonged too. All that’s left is a shell of that person. And I’m pretty sure my husband misses her too. And I guarantee the boys would love to meet her and I would love them to meet her and experience what it means to believe in yourself….

(P.S. I am back dating this post. Know that I feel MUCH BETTER now. I was just hormonal that week, I think…)

Day 1, Take 3

Dear New Voice,

It’s so nice to meet you! You’re not nearly as lovely and powerful as the pre-school teacher’s voice but you certainly are much better than my normal scream. You actually sound calm and understandable and almost persuasive. Please, will you stay a long while?

Keep  in touch,

The Orange Rhino

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YES! I did it!!!

I made it through this day without yelling. That puts me at 1 day down, 364 to go. Well, I’ve already been there done that and made it to 8 days but this time will be different. It HAS to be! The first 8 days were a great learning experience. A real eye opener. I would say 95% of the time that I’m yelling at the boys it is because of me being tired, me bring over bearing, me being uptight, me being a nudge. So  most of the time, not only is the yelling not warranted, it’s not needed. It is definitely time for a change!

I keep telling people from different parts of my life about my Challenge in hopes that when I bump into them they will ask me about the challenge and will keep me on task! I need as many little voices in my head reminding me to not yell as possible.

So that when #2 grabs #3’s hair and starts to pull him across the room at bath time, like tonight, I don’t scream. Or when #1 kicks me in the back accidently (or not) to take my attention away from the baby, I don’t scream. Or when #3 starts whining at 6am and doesn’t stop all day….

Oh, and did I mention that I am exhausted today, more than ever because #1 came into my bed at 1100 shaking from a nightmare; #3 woke at 430 screaming because of a cold, and #4 woke at 530 screaming because of his cold, waking  all of us up. Today, was needless to say, NOT a good day. I was down all day and couldn’t snap out of it. I promised myself I would get to sleep by 10:00. It’s 9:55 and I still have to go pump, ie. moo like a cow.

Even though today utterly sucked, I survived. I did it. I kept it together and didn’t yell at breakfast when the yogurt smeared all over #3 because he outright refused to wear a bib. I didn’t yell at the kids to hurry up on the way to swim class when they were hemming and hawing. I didn’t yell when I put my 3 yr old to bed early because of aforementioned hair pulling and all he did was start crying hysterically and screaming at me.

Somewhere, tonight, I found a new voice.

Not a loud one that does nothing, but a strong firm voice. “#3, it is bed time. You pulled your brother’s hair which is not acceptable. You are exhausted and need to go to sleep. I love you very much. Good night.” And the weirdest thing happened….

I walked away with a new sense of accomplishment and power. And he stopped wailing…without me having to yell at him.

Seems like I am “raising” my voice, but in an acceptable way. I am teaching it how to grow up and be nicer. Kind of like raising kids. Just what I need. Ha.

Dear Alarm Clock,

I blame you entirely for the end of my 8 day “No Yelling Streak.”  Why couldn’t you walk over to me, shake me, and pull me out of bed on time so that I could start the day off on the right foot, instead of being trampled by 8 little feet? I mean really, is that asking too much? You know I can never get out of bed when you ring. There’s got to be something you can do to change that, right? Please, oh please, find a solution.

Sincerely,

The Orange Rhino

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Game over. I lasted a little over one week. 8 days and about 34 minutes to be exact.

When I woke up this morning I knew today was the day I was going snap. Funny. You’d think if I knew that I would have found more strength to keep it together, or just stayed in bed. Oh wait, I can’t call in sick. Darnnit. Seriously, though, you would think I would have better prepared myself for the onslaught of energy, noise, and chaos that normally gets to me if I am exhausted. And I was. I am. I am totally utterly wiped. And it’s all my own doing. I went to bed too late so when the alarm went off at 5:50am –I snoozed. Snoozed until  6:30. And that is ALWAYS. I repeat ALWAYS a lethal mistake because then I have to do my morning routine with three kids who’ve been cooped up in their rooms for half an hour and are all fired up and ready to go.  And today, to boot, the baby was also up. So make that four kids in tow, all clamoring for attention.

Why is snoozing such a lethal mistake?  I learned a long time ago that my key to starting the day off well is to be ready to start the day the minute the kids wake up. It’s like when I used to work in the corporate world, when I needed to be ready to go the minute I swiped my ID card. But in those days, I had an entire commute to think and plan the day. I had time for ME to get myself together and plan how I was going to be successful that day. As a stay at home mom, I don’t have the commute. I have 40 minutes to prepare on a good day…unless I hit the damn snooze button.

Can you imagine, rolling out of bed and two seconds letter having to swipe your ID at work and be prepared to talk to the CEO within seconds? In your pajamas, with nighttime breath and Medusa like hair, still dreaming of Ben from the Bachelor? And let’s get real – it’s not 1 CEO its 4 all with pressing issues that demand answers at. that. Second. Not minute. But second. Mommy mommy mommy MOMMY!  It would be miserable. So I set my alarm for 5:50. And if I miss it, it’s pretty much in the bag that I will yell within 10 minutes of the kids barging into my room.

So now, its 6:30 and I’m starting the day off agitated as hell that I overslept, again. I start pumping while the three monkeys try over and over again to jump on the bed all while the baby is screaming to get out of his bouncy seat. Then I am joined in the bathroom with said lovely children while I take my shower.  Normally a nice 10 minutes of peace where I let my lavender shampoo transport me to a spa far, far away, today’s shower is anything but like being at a spa. The three older boys are fighting, yes fighting, over who gets to sit in front of the baby and make him laugh. I know this sounds sweet, and in theory it is. But when the discussion is at such a loud, piercing level that it scares the baby and makes him start crying all over again, it ain’t sweet.

This is so not how I like to start my day.

Somehow, and I don’t know how, I managed to get past my 10 minute window. If you would believe it, I keep picturing you all. My non-existent Orange Rhino community. I keep thinking I can’t yell. I don’t want to let my readers down. I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t want to let my kids down. (Yeah, I clearly have issues since I am thinking about imaginary followers!)

And then IT happened.

The  sh*t hit the fan.

#1 started getting hyper and silly. The not listening kicked in. The me asking TIME and TIME and TIME again to stop kicked in.  All the little voices in my head start quoting Super Nanny and this article and that article telling me “that if you want them to stop, you have to stop what you’re doing, walk over to him, and tell him that. No parenting across the room. It Does. Not. Work.” So I did that. I stopped making breakfast. Walked over and asked #1 to stop and please get his shoes on. YES! It worked. Phew. Maybe I would make it through the day?

Ha. As if I could get off that easily. #1 got his shoes on and started up again. So I stopped what I was doing AGAIN. At this point #4 is crying for breakfast and #2 is running circles around #1 trying intentionally to piss him off. Well mission accomplished. #1 starts kicking #2, #2 kicks back. They both start crying.

So if you’re counting, we’re up to 3 crying  and it’s not even 8:05, lord help me. Then the only one not crying chimes in “poop poop poop.” And for the reference that means – mommy I need you to pull my poop out because I can’t poop on my own. So whats a girl to do? I guess not Yell is the answer. But I did. I lost it. “#1 and #2, GET the H*LL OVER HERE NOW. AND I MEAN NOW!”

It is now triage time because we have to get the Poop out or problems ensue. I order #1 to go give the baby the pacifier and order #2 to get me wipes so I can help #3 poop. Are you tired yet of following this? Bottom line: poop is out, I’m even more exhausted,  and we still haven’t had breakfast.

I of course swallowed my pride for breakfast this morning. I had been telling my husband how easy the not yelling was getting. Clearly, I need some more practice. On to Day 1, Take 2. Now, I know what my mom would say. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. No one’s perfect. You don’t have to go back to day 1 of your challenge. 365 days is too much.” Blah blah blah.

And my answer.  Harrumph.  That’s the point mom! To go 365 days straight – to make yelling no longer a part of my life! I’m not trying to be a perfect mom, but I’d like to save all my mistakes for other silly things like putting #1’s sandwich in #2’s lunchbag or washing #2’s hair on #3’s night. This one thing – this not yelling at my kids – it’s the best gift I can give my boys and it’s the one thing in my life right now that needs to change. I am determined to stop yelling. And I am GOING to do it. I am going to make it 365 days straight and officially make yelling a thing of the past.