72 days down, 293 to go!

Today: April 19th (I think?)

Blog written: February 2, 2012 – a few days before I got into the “no yelling” groove. Why this post? Why now? I was searching for an old post I never polished or shared to post tonight while “staycationing.” When I read the line about being a better mother I thought it was perfect given last night’s guest post.

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Dear Kleenex,

I really needed you today. Thanks for being there for me as I struggled to do seemingly innocent things such as put away baby gear. I couldn’t have done it alone.

Sigh,
The Orange Rhino

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Wow. Massive emotions are flowing today. Packed up the bassinet part of the Pack n Play. Moved the changing table out of my room.  Pumped only 3 oz at morning pump instead of  7. It’s official. I am getting ready to close the chapter on “having a baby under 6 months.” And boy is it SAD. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad in a way that has me so distraught that I can’t even think of a better, more powerful word.

My nose is tingly, my eyes are watery. They’ve been that way all day. It’s just outright sad. We’ve always said (my husband and I), and all my friends, that when I stopped having babies I was going to have a mid-30’s Crisis. And they were right. Having a baby has defined me for the last 6 years. Getting pregnant, being pregnant, being sleep deprived. Getting over sleep deprivation just in time to get pregnant again and continue the process. 4 kids in 5 years will do that to you. But I wouldn’t change a thing. Except now, the time has come to be done and it scares me.

Enter this Challenge. This is my baby. I am hoping this will keep me from feeling the emptiness that I know is ahead.

That it will keep me focused on being a better mom to the 4 kids I have – not thinking about the 5^th that I know I will not be having (most likely).

But let’s get real – there is still a crisis ahead. I know it. Like when all my friends get pregnant with their second in a few months, the tears will come. A lot of them. And then when they all have girls. The tears will really come. And then when those beautiful babies are born so small and delicate and perfect. Then I’ll really wish I was pregnant again. I just love the hope that comes with a new baby – something to look forward to, despite all the crappiness going on in the world.

But I know we, at a family of 6, should probably stop….it’s best for us. And it’s more than I ever could have dreamed of. I didn’t know I wanted a big family until I met my husband. We both come from families of 2 kids and then one day we watched the movie “The Family Stone” and we both knew it. We wanted that. We wanted the big, crazy, chaotic fun-loving family. We wanted our kids to have their own built in friends. We wanted our family to make big family gatherings big without having to ask friends to stand in as uncles and aunts and cousins. So we had three kids. And then we decided we would have four.

And now, we’re both saying we’re done.

But yet I haven’t donated the baby clothes that don’t fit anymore. They are packed away neatly in the attic, as if by habit. And the pack-n-play will go through the same ritual. And my husband won’t make “that drs appt” to make this officially over. We’re just not ready to say we’re done. And I’m okay with that.

But please, don’t ask me if I’m done.  And if you do (because everyone does), when I say “yes, but I’m not ready to admit it” please don’t say “Well good because 4 kids is a lot already.” This is my life. Thank you very much. Yes it is stressful at times.

And yes I yell more than I would like
But I also love a lot more than I ever could imagine.

And that, my dear strangers who feel the need to tell me I should stop having kids, is something that always trumps the stress. Always. And that my dear readers, is also why I am doing The Orange Rhino Challenge.

Because I love a lot more than I ever could imagine.

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Fast forward 75 ish days. The sadness is still there. I still have not hit the emptiness, but I still have the sadness of knowing that my child-bearing days are probably over. Why is that? I wish I knew so that I could move on. That’s a lie. I know why. I am just too afraid to admit it. To myself and to anyone.

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P.S. I sit here debating whether or not I share this post. Because I know on the surface it kind of makes me look pathetic. It’s easy to say “Hey Orange Rhino, wake the … up! There is nothing to be sad about. There is not emptiness to feel. You have four beautiful, healthy, wonderful children. Cherish that.” If only it were that easy…

71 days down, 294 to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Here is the 2^nd guest blog this week as I continue my “staycation” with my family. I thank my dear friend who has been a supporter of The Orange Rhino Challenge since day 1 for taking time out of her very busy schedule to write for us. And I thank her for her honesty – both about herself and about what the Orange Rhino Community means to her. Enjoy. I know I did,

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

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The Orange Rhino was a bit surprised (editor’s note: FLABERGASTED more like it!) when I asked if I could be one of her guest posters.  She said, “But you don’t yell, right?” and this is correct.  I am not much of a yeller at all.  This is for purely selfish reasons; I am averse to loud noises and generally dislike drama.   And yet, I read every post of hers, click on every Facebook status update, and read every single one of her readers’ comments.  Why? Because I love my children, and I really love hearing the words of other parents who are doing their best to be better parents.  We’ve all got issues, and while yelling may not be one of mine, I still have plenty of areas in which I could improve my parenting.

I get inspired by being a part of the Orange Rhino Community… this is a hard task that all of you have taken on, and I respect each one of you for the attempt- even if it is only day three for you.  Anyhow, on to the “meat” of my post:

I struggled for years to get pregnant the first time, so when I became a Mommy seven years ago, I was in total bliss.  My daughter was my entire universe from the moment she was placed in my arms.  When I found out that I was expecting again shortly after her first birthday, I was extremely surprised and delighted that it had happened again without medical intervention, but I had these secret nagging worries that I would never, ever be able to love my second child as much as I loved my first.

There just didn’t seem to be enough space in my emotional landscape for that.

When an early ultrasound revealed that I was in fact expecting my second AND THIRD children (fraternal twins,) that nagging worry turned into a not-so-silent panic.  As my belly grew larger and larger (I kid you not, it was an EPIC belly- 54″ diameter just before I delivered,) I felt that I owed my oldest an apology for what was about to happen to our neat little mother/daughter bubble that we had been living in… and I mourned the loss of that bubble with a vengeance. (Editor’s note: glad I am not the only one who ever felt that!)

But time marches on, and before I knew it, I was a mother of three children under the age of 2.  Harumph.  I’d love to write about what those early days were like, how I came to terms with the new reality, and how I slowly but surely bonded with the twins and watched my love expand to fit all three kids… but anyone who has had newborn twins will tell you that there is a blur effect that takes place, blocking out all but the occasional snapshot of the first six months.  So, I have no idea how it happened, but I know that by the time the twins were old enough to sit up on their own, my emotional landscape had grown to accommodate the tremendous love that I felt for all three of my children.  Every storm cloud has a silver lining, and as I sit here thinking about how soul-crushingly hard those early days were, I have to admit (now that they are in the past,) that it was the best thing that could have happened to us as a family.

My children are best friends and wonderful playmates for each other.

As a parent of a 7 year old and two 5 year olds, my life is less concerned with the logistics than it was in the early days; the children eat, sleep, dress themselves, eliminate waste, and amuse themselves more or less without a great deal of effort on my part.  However, now that they are older, I have had to up my parenting game significantly…. because now, they are PEOPLE: each one unique, each one with thoughts and hopes and dreams and fears and circumstances that they need to deal with as they move through life.

And I am their guide.

The awareness that how I handle things in life is the main example that they will learn from as they mature is nearly paralyzing- because I am deeply flawed.  I have a short fuse, I am rigid and easily annoyed, I am bossy and a know-it-all, and sometimes, my sense of humor is unkind.  What if they end up flawed like me???

So.  While I may not have an issue with yelling, the Orange Rhino Community is my place to remind myself that I want to be a better person, so that I can be a better mother.  As the Orange Rhino has pointed out numerous times, knowing your triggers is a good place to start, so I attempt on a daily basis to recall those elements that make me struggle (stress, not enough rest, and relationships…to name a few,) and I do my best to be intentional about how I handle those challenges- because my children are watching me, and they deserve my very best effort.

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“I want to be a better person, so that I can be a better mother….and I do my best…because my children….deserve my very best effort.”  This is certainly a sentiment I can relate to, in fact it was the main driver behind starting The Orange Rhino Challenge. My children deserve my best effort. Period. And while I can only do so much, as long as I have given this whole parenting gig my best effort, as long as I have TRIED, then I know I won’t have any regrets. Even if I am not perfect. Notice how my friend uses better, not perfect? That’s perfectly put. It’s not about being perfect. It is simply about trying our best. Doing what we can.

And I can tell you, my friend is doing a pretty bang up good job. Both as a mom, and as a friend. Thank you for being my friend AND for writing.

68 days down, 297 days to go!

Dear ChiWei,

Thanks for asking a great question! You might not like my answer. It is going to sound hokey and unbelievable and well, weird. But the truth is the truth right? I hope my answer is helpful and that it encourages you to give T­­he Orange Rhino Challenge a try.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

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Question:
If you (The Orange Rhino) don’t yell, how do you let out those emotions that a nice scream-fest would relieve you of?  I mean, not yelling for a year is some serious business, and that can be some serious festering!

Short Answer: I don’t let out those emotions because believe it or not, I don’t feel them building up anymore!

Long Answer: Read below!
I started to write a response and then I realized I needed a graph. Seriously, you would think I am a mathematician based on how I see things in chart and graph form. Anyway, I hope that this line graph answers your question.

Isn't it pretty and fancy?!! ha!

Believe it or not, right now I have little to no festering going on. Yup. You read that right. Little to no festering going on, so not a lot of need to release emotions. But it was NOT always like that. The level of festering has gone up and down, mostly driven by the lack of release, just as you identified. But per the graph, I think my “fester” level will be pretty low, if not zero, from here on out. Why? What changed from start to now?

All of this happened…

Days 0 – 2 of Not Yelling: Hard. As. H*ll. Period. No other way to describe it. Not yelling was exhausting. At the end of each day I had nothing left in me. Absolutely nothing. I was totally spent and frazzled from talking to myself ALL DAY LONG reminding myself to use my indoor voice, to try whispering, to be more patient, to do this to do that all to ensure I didn’t yell. All the talking in my head was enough to make me want to scream! Despite the mental exhaustion (which is why I rated these two days at HIGH) I didn’t miss yelling. Not yelling was too new to have any festering going on. No release needed.

Day 2 ~ 2 weeks of Not Yelling: No room for festering, only feeling fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. I had a natural high growing rapidly from the pride and satisfaction of controlling myself, from the improved behavior of the boys, from the greater sense of calm in the house. This natural high easily covered up any built up stress from not relieving said emotions via yelling. That, and there is this great Orange Rhino Challenge Community 😉 that kept “listening” to me every time I wanted to yell. So I guess I did a little releasing in that way, but otherwise, again no need to.

2 weeks ~ 4 weeks of Not Yelling: Hello Reality!
This would be approximately the time I started yelling into my closet, into my garage, into the fridge. Yup. Yelling at anything that didn’t have feelings and yelling wherever/whenever my boys weren’t around to witness it. Why now? Why did I start feeling the need to release now? Because the honeymoon wore off and the reality hit. Not yelling is a lifestyle change and it is HARD work. The pressure of trying to keep it together, to not yell, was intense. The initial high had disappeared, although still came in spurts throughout the days, and I just wanted to quit. But I couldn’t. So I yelled at inanimate objects (that was my “out” if you will). And sometimes I stomped my feet. And I felt better. And it brought me the release. For a while.

4 weeks ~ 8 weeks of Not Yelling: Kickboxing anyone?!
I am not sure, when, how, where or what happened during this time period but not yelling simply became habit.  I was over the hump! I lost all desire to yell, both at my kids and at my clothes, it just wasn’t fulfilling anymore (read here). On the outside, I had it all pulled together. Nope, no tension to release via a scream-fest here. But then one day WHOA! My husband said to me: “Babe, you need to take kickboxing or something, anything, you’ve got some serious tension growing!” He was right. I had actually just looked into kickboxing the day before.

8 weeks ~ 10 weeks of Not Yelling: Much smoother Sailing
I didn’t take up kick-boxing but I have made exercise a priority as I find it is my release. And heck, it is way better than yelling. Yelling doesn’t burn nearly as many calories or help my jeans fit! So the substitution is definitely worth it. Between exercising and not yelling, I am less tense, less angry, less worrisome, less everything negative. I truly feel more peaceful and at ease with myself, my parenting, my life AND I feel much more in love with my kiddos.

You see, as I have learned to not yell, I’ve learned to be more loving, more patient, more calm, and more understanding of my kids and their “annoying” actions. As a result, the kids’ behavior is actually LESS frustrating to me which means LESS (no) yelling which means LESS (no) festering. Seriously. So I am not really finding the need to release pent up emotion as much. Because it doesn’t exist.

That said…there are moments when I feel frustration just starting and then I immediately do some of these odd tricks to ensure the feelings don’t grow and have no place to go but out, via a scream!!!

PUSH-UPS. If I know that I am going to lose it, then I drop and do push-ups until I feel better. I know, it sounds funny but it is a double win, quadruple actually. It makes me feel better (releases endorphins or something like that?!), makes my arms look better, it makes me kids stop and go WTF is mom doing which defuses the situation AND sometimes it even makes them want to join in which makes them feel better too. Sometimes instead of push-ups I do wall presses, jumping jacks, or stomp my feet. (The latter is really good at getting a marching band going with you which absolutely  defuses the situation.)

MUSIC Nothing like a good ‘ole fashioned dance party to fun music (Girls Just Wanna Have fun?!) to get me moving (more exercise) and smiling.

FACEBOOK Seriously, sometimes in the heat of the moment just typing it out on The Orange Rhino Challenge FB page brings me release. It’s like I took the stressful moment, typed it out (sometimes rather aggressively, for sure) and sent it into cyber space never to be seen again. And if writing it out doesn’t release my stress from not yelling, then just being on The Orange Rhino Challenge facebook page will. Because it brings me peace by reminding I am not alone in this struggle. Seriously.

65 days down, 300 to go!

Dear Mean Man at Smashburger (story here),

I had words for you a year ago and I have words for you now. I am no longer going to let your past meanness make my stomach turn every time I drive by Smashburger. I am no longer going to avoid eating somewhere I want because of my embarrassment from yelling at you. I am no longer going to be afraid of running into you and having to relive that awful encounter we “shared.” Why? Because I found courage to overcome those fears. So prepare yourself to be seeing me again. I know I’m ready, are you?

Peace,
The Orange Rhino

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1 man. I was afraid of running into 1 random man for 12 months. 12 months. That’s 365 days of ridiculousness and numerous missed opportunities of enjoying a good greasy burger. I know that is a wee bit dramatic but you get the point. I let fear, a pretty irrational and easy to overcome one, keep me from enjoying a good thing. And I didn’t just miss out on the burger. Every time I drove past Smashburger and mentally relived that horrific moment I lost touch with the current moment. I lost touch of a moment that I could be enjoying. And since I am awesome at dwelling, I lost touch of other moments later in the day too.

Yeah, I have issues. I get that.

I get that normal people wouldn’t let some things a stranger said get to them for 12 months. But what can I say, the fact that he picked on me when I was vulnerable, sad and frustrated because I didn’t know what was wrong with my son, the fact that he picked on my son when he too was vulnerable, sad and frustrated, well it just hit a nerve.

It hit a nerve so hard that I couldn’t let go of it for 12 months.

Until today.

Today I found the courage to go into Smashburger and get those fries I wanted a year ago. After 365 days I found the courage.

And where did I find said courage?

The Orange Rhino Challenge.

How you ask? That doesn’t make sense. What do not yelling and courage have to do with each other?

Oh so much. It took major courage to admit to myself, to my family, to my friends, to the cyber world that I yell too much. And it took major courage, perhaps even more, to decide to change and stop yelling at my kids, because in doing so, I knew I was taking on a very difficult challenge. And I was, and still am, desperately afraid of failing and reverting to being the mom who I like, but don’t always love because she yells. But I needed to take on This Challenge, for my kids and myself, even if it was going to be hard, even if I was afraid.

And so it donned on me yesterday, if I can find the courage to start this challenge, and go 65 days without yelling, then I certainly can find the courage to go into a silly fast food restaurant and buy some fries. And I can even run into the mean man if our paths are meant to cross.

Because, now, 1 year later, I am an Orange Rhino. I am a mom (person) who has the energy, determination and STRENGTH to forge ahead and exist with more composure and warmth (and certainly without the yelling)!

I am a mom who has the COURAGE to change. I am a mom willing to admit I was being silly. I am a mom who CAN do something she didn’t ever think she could do in a thousand years.  Whether that means not yelling at my kids or going into Smashburger. And I am glad I have changed. Not just because I finally got my fries (which of course didn’t live up to my expectations, perhaps because victory of overcoming my fear tasted better?) but also for this reason.

I didn’t go to Smashburger for an entire year because of how badly that experience made me feel. One man’s nastiness when I was vulnerable, sad, and frustrated made me feel that way 10x over and silently impacted my life in little ways for a year. (I know that sounds silly, but it is true. Gosh did I get a sinkin’ feeling in my stomach every.single.time. I had to drive by en route to the grocery store.) I felt all this tension and I am an adult.

So, imagine how my kids felt when I used to yell at them when they were vulnerable, sad, and frustrated???

When they just wanted to be loved and held and told it was alright after I stepped on a favorite toy they left out and my foot broke it? When they just needed love, not a snide lecture, when they didn’t want to go to bed because they were scared of monsters but couldn’t explain that to me?

Imagine how I made them feel. Imagine how long they feel, not felt, that pain? I know kids are supposedly resilient and forget but still.

Just sayin’…. Food for thought.

So I am glad I have changed. I am glad I found the courage to do this Challenge and I am so glad I have found you all, The Orange Rhino Community. The Community that has supported me via Facebook messages, by reading my blog, by sharing themselves. You might not realize it but you helped me find the courage I needed to achieve this today:

Notice the fries are almost all gone?! Or are you too busy laughing at my "cover up" attempts to stay anonymous?! Either way, I DID IT!!!

See? I actually did it!!! I wasn’t just writing about it! I walked right on in, head held high, and bought my fries. Yes, I surveyed the restaurant over and over for Mr. Mean. Yes, I had a few butterflies in my stomach. And YES I feel GREAT. In fact, I am still giddy.

Because today I Smashed a fear. I heard it Sizzle out and disappear. And then I Savored the moment. I savored how great it felt to have the strength and courage to do something I was afraid to do, to do something I didn’t think I could do. It. Was. Awesome. Kind of like realizing that I’ve gone 65 days without yelling at my kids, something I never thought I could do, something I never had the courage to do. It. Is. Awesome.

64 days down, 301 to go!

Sorry there is no post tonight. I had big plans, gigantic plans for posting tonight. And then life happened. And I am okay with that. I have to be. Because if I let it get to me, the disappointment in myself for not posting, then I’ll be cranky. And if I am cranky I’ll yell. And that I will not do. Not when I am 1 day away from 300 days remaining! Not when I know I can survive as a mom without yelling.

One of my personal rules for not yelling: Self Awareness. Know your triggers and treat them with respect 🙂 One of my triggers is being pre-occupied with feeling not good enough, not doing a good enough job. Well tonight, I am not letting that trigger win. I will not be set up to be cranky. Instead, I am going to focus on feeling good about having self awareness.

Please check back in tomorrow. I will definitely be posting.

The Orange Rhino

63 days down, 302 to go!

Dear Brain,
Is it too much to ask of you to be creative when I need you to? To come up with a clever name for the idea I am about to share? Clearly it is. Because I’ve been sitting here for several hours trying to come up with a catch phrase that will intrigue people and inspire them to respond and yet all that is happening is I am quickly growing frustrated and tired. So the gig is up. I either don’t post and be frustrated that I didn’t or I post something that doesn’t meet my standards. I’m going with the latter. And I am going to be okay with it. In fact, I am going to feel liberated. Trying to live up to my standards all the time is exhausting. Enough already. I put too much pressure on myself and that makes me stressed which makes we want to yell. And we know I can’t do that anymore. So this is my first attempt at letting my standards slide, a little.

P.S. Since you refused to be creative tonight can you at least telepathically ask the readers of this blog to forgiving of the grammatical errors and lack of organizational clarity?? 

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

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“Questions provide the key to unlocking our unlimited potential.” – Anthony Robbins

A friend of mine who helped me get this blog going (THANKS!) gave me the great idea of having a night when I open the blog up for questions and then I can reply to one question that week. I love this idea for so many reasons – and I am brain tired tonight so I am going to use bullet points to tell you why.

• Your questions force me to remember how I have kept from yelling, how I have gotten this far…
• Your questions force me stop and think and push myself a little harder to try new ways to keep from yelling…
• Your questions remind me I am not alone on this journey and force me to KEEP GOING even when I want to quit!

In short, your questions INSPIRE ME. And I hope my answers INSPIRE YOU. 

Have you ever noticed that Rhinos always have little birdies on their backs? It is called a symbiotic relationship (thanks Go, Diego go for reminding me of that this morning) – the birds help the Rhino and the Rhino helps the birds.

It is the same here, at The Orange Rhino Challenge. You help me with your questions and in turn, I want to help you.

So once a week I am going to open up the blog for YOUR QUESTIONS. Please post your questions in the comment section below. Any and all questions are welcome, ie:

• Why do I feel like giving up yelling is like giving up drugs or chocolate?
• How do you not yell at your kids during a pillow fight? Walk me through it?
• Do you really feel like a better person?
• Why should I do this Challenge?

58 days down, 307 to go

A Flashback to Day 2, TAKE 3

February 9, 2012

Dear Ketchup?,
I want to thank you for causing a pretty intense allergic reaction on #2’s arm tonight right in the middle of the Orange Rhino family melt-down hour. I really needed another medical problem to look into and resolve. It’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate with the news that #3 is allergic to peanuts and that #1’s nose is still bothering him two weeks after his adenoid surgery. But I hate to tell ya, while you tried really hard to get me all stressed out and all geared up to yell at the three other kids clamoring for my attention during your little trick, I didn’t. Better luck next time. Go find some mustard to pick on. Or better yet, figure out what the heck caused the allergic reaction.

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

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YAHOO! Day 2 success! Yeah baby. Feeling good. Love being back in the saddle. It’s amazing how just one day so easily turned into two. And it wasn’t easy but the high of success, of knowing that I COULD do it, made me thirsty for more. Thirsty for more of that feeling of control, of peace, of love, of pride.

I was proud of myself for keeping it together. Especially when I wanted to scream at #1 “just shut up!!!!!” because his jabbering at me, all while I was anxiously watching #2’s arm rapidly swell up, was getting on my nerves just as fast as the reaction was spreading. The hives went from the elbow to his fingers in seconds puffing up his entire hand. I was scared sh*tless; I had never seen such an intense allergic reaction before. I had no idea what caused it (I think the ketchup, buy maybe the corn, or a bug bite?) and I couldn’t call the doctor because it was between office hours and on call hours. Perfect timing. Why does this always happen to me? And how dare the doctor’s office not have coverage at the worst hour of the day, when everything happens?! That’s a whole separate post….

Anywho, while I knew the pediatrician would say give him Benadryl, FAST, I was hesitant to give it to him. In the past #2 hasn’t responded to it at all and actually had a psychotic response which included throwing books at my face. Seriously. But somewhere amidst this fear, and anxiety, and chaos, I found peace and control and was able to think things through rationally. I decided to risk the Benadryl because I knew that stopping the reaction was far more important than my not wanting another busted lip or my not wanting to deal with #2 bouncing off the walls until 1030 that night.

Thank the Benadryl Gods, it worked. Reaction stopped quickly and Thank whomever, #2 didn’t have an adverse response. And I guess thank the Orange Rhino Challenge for keeping me in check! Phew, crisis averted.

I am so glad I didn’t yell.

Not just because I don’t want to go back to 0 again and have to struggle to get out (it was such a crappy 9 day struggle!) but because it would have just made matters worse. #1 was jabbering away because he was nervous. When I’m nervous or scared, he feels the same, x10. If I had yelled at him, in his fragile state, he would have just burst into tears. Then I would have had two hysterical kids to deal with which on top of my stress at that moment, would have definitely SUCKED. And it would have easily put me over the edge making it impossible for me to think clearly. Which is precisely what I needed to do – both to handle the situation and to keep from yelling.

I stayed calm and thought things through.  

Oh frightening, I just paraphrased a line from one of my boys’ TV shows. In a Word World TV Show episode, two of the Word Friends frantically try to build a word and can’t. So another friend says:

Stay calm and think things through.

Stay calm and think things through.

Yes, that is sound advice Word Friends.

I will keep trying to stay calm and think things through – it worked wonders for me tonight! (I will also try to watch more adult TV shows…I am a little worried that I am naturally reciting a kids show. LOL)

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Fast forward 55 days. I am still staying calm and thinking things though. When I want to yell I stop and think, why do I want to yell? Is it really necessary? Will it even work or will it makes things worse?

Is there another solution to yelling that will get the same, rather, better result??? The answer is yes. It’s always yes. Except well maybe in emergency situations, see Challenge Details 🙂

There are lots of other solutions to yelling. And when I am CALM and think things through, I can figure out the non-yelling solution fairly easily. It might take longer to get my desired action to take place, but the benefits are well worth the wait. So I am doing my darndest to stay calm, at ALL times. And let me tell you, seeing as I am not naturally a calm person except in emergencies (this is backwards, I know, I’m weird!), this is a huge task for me. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous!!! But I have proof it works so I am going to keep at it until the calmness has taken over my entire body, kind of like an allergic reaction, but a really good one!

Are you trying to not yell? What is your favorite non-yelling solution? Tell me! If I am going to go 307 more days I might need some new tricks! 

P.S. If you are celebrating one of the holidays with family this weekend (like I am) and you get stressed with all the extra chaos (like I do) and want everyone to go home early (like I will) just remember…stay calm and think things through and then maybe you won’t yell at them to get the heck out of your house!!! LOL. Enjoy the holidays.

51 days down, 314 to go!

Dear Lion and Tiger,
Where do you get off hiding from #3 right before bedtime? Do you not know that #3 can’t fall asleep without you? And of all nights to go missing you pick a night when your best friend didn’t nap during the day and is completely and utterly inconsolable. Seriously? WTF? What did I do to offend you? I’m nothing but nice to you. I wash you when you’ve been chewed to disgustiness. I make sure you come on vacations with us. I try my hardest to let you stay snuggled in bed all day so that you don’t get left behind somewhere or fed yogurt for breakfast. And yet, this is how you repay me. Thanks. No truly. Thanks.  You made me realize something. 51 days of not yelling and I’ve actually changed. So while I am grateful for my new insight, let’s not pull this stunt again, okay?

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*
It’s 5:59. Finally, time to go up to bed. I’m counting down the minutes until 7:00 when I have my night to myself. I have lots to do. But, oh my, Lion and Tiger had other plans.

It’s now 6:15. #3 is out of the bath. Up since 5 am with no nap, he looks like he is going to face plant any second. He frantically starts looking for his friends. And by friends I mean his 3 Lions and his 2 Tiger loveys that he NEEDS in order to go to sleep. We are 2 lions and 2 tigers short.  Sh*t I think, knowing the hysterics that will follow. Yup.

Missing: Lion #3 and Tiger #2. Reward: Anything. Just so long as #3 goes to sleep!

Through tears: “Mommy, mommy. Tiger gone. Lion gone. Missing. All gone. Downstairs.”

In an effort to save bedtime I quickly grab the baby and bravely leave #1, #2, and #3 alone in a room (which by the way is asking for someone to be pushed into a door or kicked just because it’s the end of the day and that’s what we do. Duh!)  I go downstairs and do a quick sweep of the house and find 1 lion and 1 tiger. Double sh*t. Still down 2.

I hesitantly return upstairs to deliver the news to my now screaming 2.5 year old.

“#3, look I found Lion and Tiger!!!”

#1 points out: “Mommy, you’re still missing a tiger.”
#2 points out: “And a lion.”
#3 “chimes” in: “NOOOOO. Lion and Tiger gone. All gone. No nap.”

(Oh yes dear son, you are going to sleep. With or without Lion #3 and Tiger#2, you are destined for bed!)

Well, at this point there isn’t much else I can do, scratch that, will do. It’s way past bed time and I desperately need to get the kids to sleep so that I can feed the baby (and because well, I am desperate for the day to be over already). I promise #3 that I will find Lion and Tiger and bribe him with an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates in the morning if he goes to sleep.  The bribe worked. Jake is my new best friend.

Fast forward to 7:00 ish. I am on my hands and knees crawling all over the first floor looking under every curtain, chair, couch, table for Lion and Tiger. When I am not looking under I am looking in. In every bucket, box, wagon, car, tool box, backpack, bed, cabinet. And let’s not forget IN the garbage. Yup, I looked in every FULL (because why would they be empty on nights I needed to look through them?!) garbage bag. No luck.

It is now 7:30ish. I have just wasted 30 minutes of MY PRECIOUS TIME looking for these blessed animal friends that are SUPPOSED to stay in their room for this exact reason. I don’t know how many times I have cursed these friends out. And not just lion and tiger. I’ve cursed out daddy elephant, mommy elephant, froggy, ducky, lamby, giraffe, puppy#1, puppy #2, teddy #1, teddy #2, and the newest friend, #4’s bunny. Because yes, each child has not 1, not 2, but AT LEAST 4 of these friends.

Why? I don’t know. I guess because when I was a first time mom and some experienced mom said “oh you mustn’t buy just one, you need several in case you lose one. But oh, don’t buy the same one. Buy different animals so he is equally attached to all so if one is lost, he’ll be happy with another.” Okay, well that logic was WRONG.  As proved tonight.

My boys don’t care if they are the same or different. If they have 1 or 600. They love them all equally if and 1 is missing well their whole universe falls apart.

And normally I fall apart with it.

“What the h*ll! How did you lose your friends?! They are supposed to stay in your room! Why didn’t you leave them there. This is your fault. Your responsibility. I have things to do besides looking for your friends. Give me a break!”

Oh yes, I have had MASSIVE tantrums and screaming fits over missing friends and blamed the kids. Some of my best shows actually. And all right before bedtime.  It wasn’t bad enough one of my sons had to go to bed without their best friend, I had to scream at them too. Talk about an AWESOME send off to bed.

But tonight, I didn’t. It was hands down the weirdest out of body experience EVER. I didn’t even flinch. I  just offered hugs and kisses and lots of love and encouragement that he would sleep okay which is a MUCH better way to send him off to slumber. Was I annoyed? Oh yes. Did I b*tch while looking through the garbage that smelled of fresh fish? Yes. Did I yell at myself for losing the friends (because really, my son is 2.5, it’s my job to make sure the friends, ALL 5 of them, stay in his room)? Yes.

But I didn’t lose it at #3. I didn’t even have the urge to throw a raging Level 6 temper tantrum. Or to even yell.

And wow is that refreshing and ridiculously awesome. I feel like I have actually changed. And given the length and intensity of the screaming rants I used to have, I honestly never thought I could. I never thought I could hold it together. I never thought I could go 1 day, let alone 2 days, let alone 51 days without yelling.

I lost the loveys and in return found a new, calmer, me. A me who yells less and loves more. Totally worth the hassle.

Found. At the Train Station. Of all the places, they couldn't have gone hiding on the couch, where I could find them??!

And rest assured, Lion and Tiger were found and are now snuggling with #3.  They were at the Train Station with Thomas. Because, really, why hide in an obvious place and make my life easy?

*

Do you think you that you can’t stop yelling? Is there one event that always sets you off? Share it with me! I picked 365 days of not yelling for my goal. That was perhaps a little intense. Maybe I could have picked just one event, like becoming a screaming mama whenever a friend was lost, and decided to not yell in that situation. If you are hesitant to start the challenge but want to, maybe try picking one event and choosing not to yell at that time. It’s a start, right?

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49 days down, 316 to go.

Dear Russell,
I want to thank you for saving me from my cranky self last Friday. You might not have realized it but the one word you said to me helped me get through the rest of the day. It gave me the pep in my step that I had a lost. So thank you. You are amazing.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*
Day 45 sucked. You already know that. But what you don’t know is that it only mostly sucked, it didn’t completely suck. All thanks to Russell.

About 6 hours after my Day 45 morning meltdown, and about 2 hours after my afternoon meltdown because #1 and #2 came home from school, looked at me, and started up AGAIN, it was time to get all the boys out the door to take #3 to speech therapy. #3 and #4 had opted to shorten their naps (wasn’t that considerate?!) so I took advantage of the beautiful weather to walk to town instead of drive. I SO desperately needed the exercise and sunshine. I prayed that together the two would snap me back into a good mood; that they would snap me back to being a good, on the ball parent.

So I strapped one kid on my back in my Ergo baby carrier, buckled two in the double stroller and took the other one by the hand. And off we went for our mile walk to town. I felt rejuvenated as hoped and thought,

“I can do this. I can make it through Day 45. I feel MUCH better. Mental note. When struggling, get out and walk.”

Am I the only one who thinks positive things out loud and jinxes herself? UGH!

We arrived and within minutes of #3 heading off with his speech therapist, I immediately, thought “sh*t I CAN’T do this!” #4 was screaming again because he was hungry, but wouldn’t take his bottle. And #1 and #2 were whining because two of the boys in the waiting room had doughnuts and they did not. So they opted to show their dismay by climbing all over the chairs, rolling around on the floor, not listening and reminding me every 30 seconds that they did not have doughnuts. It was AWESOME, mostly because there were three other moms watching me (judging me?) as I struggled to keep my composure.

At last #3 returns. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I load everyone up and head for the door. As I maneuver myself and the stroller out, Russell, the office manager, stops me.  He takes one look at me. I clearly look frazzled. And overwhelmed. And probably pretty fragile too.

“I just want you to know that I think you are Amazing. You do an amazing job.”

Well, I certainly didn’t feel “Amazing” and I don’t like to think I am. But guess what, at that point, I said thank you and believed him. Because I needed to.  That one statement made my afternoon. It kept Day 45 alive. It gave me the confidence I needed. It filled my heart with happiness. Seriously.

Because how often as a mom do I feel unrecognized, unappreciated, and unsuccessful? OFTEN.
How often do I feel amazing? HARDLY EVER, if ever.

Why?

Part of that is my nature. I am insecure. Part of that is the nature of being a mom. Of being caught up in the diaper changing, fight stopping, nap training, meal making, mini-van driving craziness and forgetting to stop and realize, wait, I have good kids, I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

And part of it is that there is no report card in motherhood, there is nothing telling me I am doing a good job. There are just kids telling me they need milk and their bottoms wiped!  And well I like report cards, always have, always will. They inspire me. They make me feel good about myself, my efforts. They remind me that my hard work is paying off. And if my hard work isn’t paying off, at least they say, hey, you get an A for effort. Oh how I miss report cards, oh how I miss the tangible positive reinforcement.

Yes, I could easily say that my boys are my report card. I could say that their behavior 100% reflects my efforts. That their politeness (or not), their empathy (or not), their listening (or not!!) is a direct correlation to my efforts. But at the ages of 5 and under, I think it is unfair, to me and to them, to consider them my “report card.”

Right now, at this stage of motherhood, I can only be evaluated based on me. On my actions. On my efforts. So to hear Russell tell me that I am doing an amazing job, well, it felt great. And it was the kind of positive reinforcement I needed at that moment because the other reinforcement I was getting was   from my boys and it was the importance of birth control!

Russell took 30 seconds out of his day to compliment me as a mom. 30 seconds. Those 30 seconds reinvigorated me and helped me parent the next 4 hours with more love, grace and a heck of a lot more fortitude. You know, like an Orange Rhino. I know I am not alone in wishing someone told me I was a good mom more often…and I know I am not the only one who NEEDS to hear that more often. So I am going to pay it forward. Any time I see a parent doing being amazing, I am going to tell him/her. Starting now.

If you are reading this, chances are that you are trying to yell less at your children. In my book that makes you amazing, because admitting that you need to change takes courage, and trying to change takes even more.

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45 days down, 320 to go!

Dear Day 45,
You kind of sucked. Big time. But you know that already, you were right there beside me watching (laughing?) as the kids took turns kicking my a*s and I fought back tears of frustration. Oh I hope the next few days are better or at least that they give me new ideas on how to handle tough, crappy days.

Off to recharge,
The Orange Rhino

*

Today sucked. Really sucked. I haven’t had a day like today in oh say 45 days. The hits just kept on coming and my anger, then hostility, and frustration just kept on growing. I think my kids actually woke up and said, hmmm, let’s test mommy today. She is almost at 50 days, let’s knock her back to 0 for sh*ts and giggles. Well they did a darn good job trying. Because let me tell you…oh did I want to SCREAM today.

It all started at 7:00 am. #2 took all the pillows in the family room and created a blockade so that I couldn’t sit down and feed the screaming baby suffering from a 103 fever.  I know, sounds innocent, right? They are just pillows. Well to me, it was a personal attack. I have told him time and time again NOT to do that because it makes it hard for me to walk safely around the coffee table without tripping and yada yada yada. In otherwords, it’s a darn inconvenience to me and I don’t want to deal with it at 7:00 in the morning. Can we say, mama was CRANKY?!

Next.

Five minutes after I finished feeding #4 and the boys TV show ended the mischief began. The dumping of all toy containers. The throwing blocks across the room. The running around the house naked and screaming. Did I mention the baby was still crying because he refused his bottle and he was still starving?  Did I mention that nothing and I mean NOTHING I said, did, tried, stopped the behavior? Did I mention that I was so frustrated tears were starting to fall down my cheeks? Yup they were. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldn’t get a hold on the situation. Disciplining just wasn’t working this morning and I wanted to SCREAM, not yell, but SCREAM!

So I stood still in the middle of the kitchen, tears falling, baby screaming in my arms and the three older boys running around me, naked.

The Orange Rhino Rolodex. Well not exactly, but maybe I do need one?!

And I started mentally flipping through my Orange Rhino Rolodex for tips on how to keep from yelling. Breathe. Walk away. Whisper. Get a camera. Join them. I tried everything (but get naked, scary sight!) and didn’t yell but discovered I was quickly running out of tactics. Sigh. It was only 8:00 and I was tapped out for the day.

Ding.

Saved by the toaster oven! The waffles I *cooked* are ready and the smell of syrup rallies the troops, albeit still naked, to the table. At this point, I don’t care. I just want 5 minutes of quiet and quasi good behavior.

Clearly too much to ask.

The plates – WITH SYRUP DRIPPING ON THEM – start flying across the kitchen table. Are you kidding me??? I picked up the plates and cleared the table. Breakfast was over. The response I got?

“Mommy, we were just being like the three naughty monkeys on TV. We were having fun too. You see, the monkeys threw their breakfast (banana peels) so that is what we were doing.”

Well sh*t. They were right. They were acting out the TV show. Ugh.  Should they know better? Probably. But points for creative play.

Just then, they are saved by the phone. My hubby innocently asks how the morning was going. My response?

“It ain’t going, it’s EXPLODING. This morning has been awful. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do.” Tears start flowing FAST.

My husband so lovingly tells me one of my new insights:

“Sweetheart, you just have to go 32 more minutes and you’ll make it through the day. You just have to get them buckled into their carseats (where they can’t hit, punch, bite each other) and off to school.”

“Right. I got it. I can do this.”

I can’t remember exactly what happened in those next 30 minutes. I blocked it out because it was beyond infuriating. I am pretty sure it had to do with lots of not listening and not getting ready for school. I had completely lost control of the situation. Anytime I spoke my voice seemed to vanish into the air. Poof!  My boys were in charge. I was just along for the ride. And boy was it a bumpy, crappy ride that made me sick to my stomach with frustration. I just wanted to SCREAM at them and scare them into listening. Obviously that wasn’t an option.

So I focused on keeping it together for just 30 minutes. The time flew when I finally let go and stopped pushing them to cooperate, when I realized that it was OKAY that we were going to be late to school. No big deal. No point yelling. I chilled out and in turn, so did they. Of course, I felt like I failed as a parent, that I gave in to their bad behavior.

But as I write this, I think, maybe I didn’t fail. I might not have gotten their behavior under wraps but at least I kept mine in check by not yelling. So I guess I need to add “chill out” to my Orange Rhino Rolodex of tips on how not to yell.

What’s in your Orange Rhino Rolodex?

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