Day 1, Take 7, 365 days to go, again
Dear C+C Music Factory,
Oh it’s been a while! All due respect to your song but things don’t make me go “hmmmm” they make me go AHHHHH! I’m trying so desperately hard to figure out the things that make me go “AHHHHH” so I can just go “hmmm” instead. Hope I figure this out soon because this is DAY 1 TAKE 7. Enough already.
The Orange Rhino
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDxlzFbYfHY (for a little musical flashback!)
The Things that make me go AHHHH!
Oh where should the list start. Well the last 90 minutes is a perfect summary of the majority of things..
- That my two year old starts the day whining even after a great night’s sleep, for the 9th day in a row.
- That when I go to the bathroom there is pee on the seat, pee on the floor, pee everywhere and the bathroom smells disgusting.
- That my five year old, despite also having a good night’s sleep, couldn’t keep it together for 20 minutes and is already picking on his 3 year old brother.
- That my three year old can’t figure it out for the life of him that he should stop kicking his 5 year old brother repeatedly.
- That my two year is still whining, 90 minutes later. But now he is pulling on my pants, wanting me to change his diaper, to find his measuring tape and his hammer, to put the baby down now. Does he not see that I am feeding the baby?
- That as I finally finish feeding my dear baby and he lovingly spits up all over both of us so now we smell like regurgitated cat vomit because he is on the hypoallergenic formula. Just lovely.
- That as I finally get to change my 2 year old’s diaper, my 5 year old and 3 year old are playing “Superbowl” and tackled each other into the granite fireplace and are both bawling.
- Did I mention that now the baby is whining because he needs to burp again. You know that whine the “ehhhh ehhhh ehhhh ehhhh.” The one that is like fingernails on a chaulkboard but worse and it doesn’t stop?!
- That it isn’t even 8:30???
HOLY SH*T! What a sh*t show this morning was. An absolute sh*t show. And just when I was starting to lose it my three year old redeemed himself. ORANGE RHINO!!!! Orange Rhino mommy. Yes sir. Thank you for the reminder. You saved me from myself.
But even though you saved me sweet little boy, and I am relieved that I have not lost it and stand a chance at making it through the day not yelling, I can’t help but wonder, what the heck am I doing? Why have I taken on this ridiculous challenge?
Yes this blog is for me, the challenge is for me and my family, but part of me really wants it to take off. I want to have a following. Why? Because I want to have support but also, and more so, I want to see an Orange Rhino community develop that supports everyone struggle to stop yelling and struggling with parenthood. And I am so afraid, not just of failing the challenge, but of disappointing those who I love, those who are supporting me and those dreams I have of finding a way to support others.
Every day I go up and down. Up and down. One minute I am ecstatic to be doing this project. It feels right. I feel passionate about it. And then the self doubt starts in. The self doubt that is always present. Everything I do, I question myself. Why can’t I just have faith in myself, like I used to when I was young? What happened to me? When did I get lost? Did I get lost when I became a wife? When I became a mom? I don’t know. I just know the confidence I once had in myself is gone.
Just now I stopped typing to think, a whopping 5 seconds and WHAM. The oppressing feeling of self doubt hits hard. “This is silly Orange Rhino. You’re wasting your time. Stop this project now. Focus on something else. Why are you bothering? You won’t be able to do it. You’re fooling yourself. After all, you’re on Day 1. AGAIN! For the 7th time!!!” Oh so of course the other side of my brain tries to kick in to motivate me, but it only motivates me with negative thoughts “You can’t stop now. All you have done since you graduated college is dream of things you want to do. AND YOU NEVER DO ANY OF THEM. And if you start, you stop. You quit. You are a quitter.”
And then that list of things I’ve never done only got worse when I became a stay at home mom. “You’re home now. You’re not making money. You’re not paying for childcare so you darn well better be a great, not good, but a great mom. You should do this and that and that and this. Why aren’t you doing any of those things?”
Yes, this is how I think and talk to myself. And that is why, if I can find the strength I NEED to do this project. I need to follow through on something, for me. So I am happier with myself and therefore a happier person and by default a better mom. And this is the perfect project if I can find the much needed resolve to do it. This project will not only make me feel better about myself but it also gives my boys a most wonderful gift: a happier, more loving, less yelling mom. It’s a win win. If I can just do it.
I ask again, non-existent Orange Rhino followers, will you help me? I know I *should* be able to do this on my own. But it’s hard. I need the support. I need to find faith in myself, that I can do something if I put my mind to it. I don’t know where or how my confidence got lost, but it’s gone. And quite frankly, I miss the person that it belonged too. All that’s left is a shell of that person. And I’m pretty sure my husband misses her too. And I guarantee the boys would love to meet her and I would love them to meet her and experience what it means to believe in yourself….
(P.S. I am back dating this post. Know that I feel MUCH BETTER now. I was just hormonal that week, I think…)