42 days down, 323 to go!

Dear Alison,
Tonight’s post is for you. You were one of my first FB followers and you have inspired me along the way with your commitment and passion to change the habit of yelling at your kids. I have always been impressed with your honesty and your positive attitude. I often found myself thinking of you, and your will, whenever I was feeling like I wanted to quit, so thank you.

When you made it 10 days, I asked you a few questions and this is what you answered. As you re-embark on day 1 (or is it 2?) I thought it was the perfect time to share with you what you wrote. I hope it makes you smile. I know it made me smile, especially the part about singing your emotions instead of yelling them. And I know it will make others not only smile but also feel inspired. Thanks for sharing. And keep it up. ANY moment that you choose to not yell is a win in my book. So whether you make it 10 more days, 30, 60 or 365, I think you have already succeeded….

Cheers to YOU,
The Orange Rhino

*

1. Name (if you wish), # of kids, ages and gender
Alison Chan, 2 kids, Ethan 3.5 and Calvin 21 months

2. What drove you to do The Orange Rhino Challenge in the first place? Did you have an epiphany?
I was reading your blog that a friend had posted and immediately was drawn to the truth that you spoke. I gave it a try and on day 3 of going back to day 0, I realized I really needed to give this a serious try. Once I got to day 1 successfully, I realized that my 3-year-old also did not have a tantrum that day. After that I was hooked and committed to going a whole 365 days!

3. How has The Orange Rhino Challenge impacted you? Your family? 
I have had 13 days without yelling and feel fantastic. I am so much more patient with my kids and really now I realize that I used to get upset about the stupidest things. The biggest impact on our family is the pure and simple fact that Ethan has not had a tantrum in 13 days! Him and I talk about this and he really said that it is because I am talking to him differently. I love it!

4. What has been the hardest part about not yelling?
The hardest part about not yelling is that it is easy to revert to old habits. It is really hard at the beginning to change the way you speak. I realize now though that I even lost track of the number of days I have not yelled because it feels so normal to me to not yell now.

5. What is the best part about not yelling?
The best part about not yelling is that my kids have also stopped yelling. They now have so much more tolerance for each other and are starting to really share their feelings and emotions in a much more grownup way. It has been fabulous! I have enjoyed so much more of my time at home with them. I am a stay at home mom and I can honestly say, some days I would just wait for my husband to get home from work and just run out of the house because I was so frustrated some days when my oldest would have 4 or 5 30 min tantrums. I no longer have days at all like that any more and I am so happy to spend every minute with them. The tough moments we do have are much more manageable for all of us.

6. What is your one “Orange Rhino Revelation” about how to not yell that you would like to share with others? (ie, what works instead…singing, dancing, being silly?)
I always try to get silly and sing my emotions out instead of yell……this sounds so ridiculous, but it works for me.

7. Did you EVER think you would make it to Day 10? 
I never thought at day 0, I could make it to day 10, but now I am losing track of the number of days because it is getting so easy for me.

8. What is your new goal
My new goal is to get to day 60. After that, I think 365 days is totally possible!
*

Have you made it 10 days without yelling? Email me! I would love to hear from you and be inspired! The first 10 days are the hardest but most phenomenal feeling days. Reading what other people experienced during those 10 days reminds me what it is all about.

Email me at TheOrangeRhinoChallenge@gmail.com

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38 days down, 327 to go!

Dear #1 and #2,
I am glad you had so much fun today. Really I am. Especially because you were having fun together which is a rarity in this house. But next time, can you have more fun doing oh say, not naughty things? I would be much obliged because then I wouldn’t have bitten my tongue trying to not yell.

Thanks,
Your Loving Mom, a.k.a
The Orange Rhino

*

I continue to surprise myself. From 4:30pm to 7:30 pm I certainly should have yelled. At least once. More like four times. Because that is what I would have done in the past.  #1 and #2 were in KAHOOTZ tonight to piss me off. They were determined. Even when I said  “ORANGE RHINO. I am going to lose it” they kept going. With smirks and laughter to boot. Little sh*ts. Oh but I love them.

I don’t know why I didn’t yell.  Maybe it was the Spring type weather, the 8 hours of sleep last night, or maybe I am changing.Or maybe I just realized that I didn’t stand a chance against these two tonight! Sometimes, you just have to toss your hands up in the air and say, oh well. They’re not hurt, they’re not being rude, they’re just having fun. LOOSEN UP mamma! (Yes, I am WICKED uptight. Ask anyone who knows me!)

It all started at 4:30. I had asked the boys to clean up. It got quiet. Really quiet. I looked in the hall closet. All the coats (6 people’s worth!) were on the floor. #1 was standing on top of his Pottery Barn Cushion Chair – which is anything but strong – with six linked hangers in his hand trying to get down a spool of gift ribbon to decorate the house. #2 is standing there as well, taking orders from #1 as to how to support him so he doesn’t fall. It was actually kind of cute…and very resourceful. So I let the mess slide.

I politely reminded them to clean up. I got back to helping #3 clean up.Then I saw something white flying through the air.

What is white, light, and can float in the air for long distances? TOILET PAPER.

Well, since I had ruined their plans to decorate the house with green ribbon they decided together that toilet paper was better. Well at this point I had the baby in my arms. So as I went to grab #1 and stop him with my one free hand, #2 ran back into the bathroom and got more toilet paper. When I stopped him, #1 got free and went into the bathroom. I was completely outmatched.

And I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t yell which is SO what I wanted to do. No, I wanted to SCREAM, like level 6 scream. I wanted to scare them to make them stop in their tracks. They were so giddy from having fun (and probably from the Spring weather too!) that my voice, even my whisper, didn’t demand their attention. I was beyond annoyed because now the entire area was COVERED in one spool of toilet paper. Finally, baby still in arms, and still screaming (lucky kid, that is what I wanted to be doing!) I boxed them out and shut the bathroom door. What else was I supposed to do? Yeah, probably should have just started throwing toilet paper too. Would have been way more fun!

The dynamic duo moved into the kitchen to “color.” Excellent I thought, some nice quiet time. Then it got quiet again. SH*T!

#1 came running out of the bathroom looking like he was ready for a Tribal meeting in the Madagascar movie. He had taken his shirt off and used his Crayola markers to drawn on his face. Now, this wasn’t new. He had done the same a few days earlier. But I was sure that the strong scrubbing in the bathtub for 30 minutes to remove the NON-truly-WASHABLE markers would have cemented in his brain that this was a dumb idea. Clearly, it hadn’t. As I went to wash his face off, I saw another child, #2 of course run out of the kitchen. Well sh*t. Yup, he came back equally decorated.

Again, what’s a mom to do? I mean really?

What's a mom to do? Yell?! Nah. It was too funny. Kind of. It was a pain to wash off!!!

When this is what your kids look like, when they’ve played together joyfully, does yelling really achieve anything??? Nah. I just said to myself screw it. They look hilarious. No need to yell.

Oh, you are probably thinking that was it for the night. Right? Yeah, for an hour.

Our marathon scrubbing the non-washable-markers off bath is over. I am counting down the minutes to a nice, cold, refreshing beer. #1 and #2 and #3 have been tucked in. #4 is having his bottle. It is peaceful. For 30 seconds.

#3 is banging on the door, presumably with his fists.

With my baby in my arms, I walked into #3’s room. I picked him up off the floor where he had been HAMMERING the door. Yes, not banging with fists, but HAMMERING the brand new door with the plastic hammer he snuck into his room since his tools are his security items. I calmly (how the he*k I was calm I truly don’t know) put him in bed, told him good night and walked out.

What a sh*t show.

Alas, it is now 8:10. Not gonna lie, I don’t even need a beer to relax. Because making it through the last few hours without yelling feels really good. Really really good. Being more chill feels great, almost better than a cold beer.

Who am I kidding? I need to celebrate. Cheers!

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34 days down, 331 to go!

Dear Day 34,
I am embarrassed to report that you almost won because of cantaloupe. Cantaloupe people. I almost yelled because of cantaloupe. If that isn’t ridiculous, I don’t know what is. Yelling over pineapple? That I can understand. It’s prickly. So it could hurt me and cause me to yell. But cantaloupe? It is sweet and tender and besides it is orange, my new favorite color. How can cantaloupe anger me? I don’t know, but it did. I must be entering my “testy” stage. So could you do me a favor Day 34? Could you ask Day 35 to be sweet and tender like the cantaloupe?

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Just writing this makes me laugh. I almost yelled at my kids over a fruit. A FRUIT. It was an interesting series of emotions, this Cantaloupe encounter. Talk about a roller coaster ride.

Here’s the background. Dinner is over. Kids are watching night time show. #1 says he is still hungry and helps himself to cantaloupe. Great healthy choice, no complaints. #2 decides it is a great idea too. And of course #3 agrees. So now my three muskateers are sitting at the counter eating cantaloupe for dessert instead of heading upstairs to bed. Seems so sweet and innocent, right?

Begin the roller coaster ride of emotions:

HAPPY: Wow, this is a beautiful, happy moment. I am going to get the camera so I can remember it when sh*t hits the fan. (By the way, NEVER think to yourself, wow, things are calm and wonderful, they could get worse.  It invites the karma gods to cause unrest.)

DUMBFOUNDED, 15 seconds later: Wow, they dumped out the ENTIRE container of juicy, sticky cantaloupe onto the counter. The just cleaned counter. The counter I don’t want to clean again. Oh wait, awesome, all the cantaloupe juice is dripping onto the chairs and the floors. Sweet! More sticky mess to clean up while the baby cries for bath, bottle, and bed.

A sweet moment. Kind of.

CALM, 5 seconds later: Wow, I can handle this. I have my camera I’ll take a picture and laugh as that is what I have learned to do in these situations.

AGITATED, 5 seconds later: Wow, what a friggin’ mess. This isn’t funny. It’s annoying. Especially since #2 is sick so all of his pile now can’t be shared. He’d better want Cantaloupe this week. Ugh. It’s past bed time, I want the day to be over, WTF.

VERY AGITATED, 5 seconds later: “BOYS, why did you…”

#1 chimes in. “ORANGE RHINO mommy. Your voice is going up.”

My response:

STILL AGITATED: “Thank you #1. I know that.”

“No really, mom, you’re close to yelling. I’m just saying. It’s a warning.”

LAUGHING, 5 seconds later: Wow, my 5 ½ year just gave ME a warning. What’s next, a time out?

Hopefully not, because in this case a timeout means resetting my clock. And I’ve worked hard to get here. Really really hard. Not yelling takes a lot of work – it is a lot of ups and downs, up and downs, up and downs. It is great but man is it work. Just look at this one example that lasted, oh say, 60 seconds? It took a lot of energy to ensure that my sweet side overruled my prickly side. And that was just 1 minute. There are 779 more minutes like that one during the rest of the day. Okay, well not every minute from 6:30 am until 7:30 pm is like that but at least half are, or at least it feels like it. If not more.

The Orange Rhino Challenge is an absolute commitment. A bigger commitment than I imagined. But I am not going to give up.

I am certainly not going to give up because of a minor inconvenience like having to wipe a counter and wipe the floor. That’s what, 2 minutes of work? If that? In the grand scheme of things, no big deal. I can handle that. What I wouldn’t be able to handle would be yelling. If I had yelled that would have taken up at least 30 minutes of my life because I would have spent at least that amount of mental time feeling crappy and sulky…especially given the circumstances.

You see, what was a minor inconvenience for me, was a major bonding and growing moment for my boys. They were not only proud to have been resourceful enough to help themselves to dessert, but they were also proud of their healthy choice and as an added bonus were proud to have divided up the fruit evenly for sharing. I mean look at that picture, I think those two piles are perfectly even and the third, not pictured was identical!!

If I had yelled in this silly situation, I would have squashed their enthusiasm, their confidence and hurt their feelings. In other words, I would have been a prickly pineapple. I have never really liked pineapple, so that doesn’t work for me.  I much prefer to be a sweet and tender cantaloupe, I’ve always loved cantaloupe and it is afterall my boy’s favorite fruit. So cantaloupe I will be.

FLABBERGASTED: Wow, did I really just write that? Did I really just end a post comparing myself to fruit? What is this challenge doing to me?

HAPPY: Wow, it is making me relax. Excellent.

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24 days down, 341 to go!

Dear Day 24,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for being so kind and taking it down a notch because quite frankly days 20, 21, 22, and 23 have sucked. No, that is putting it mildly. They have been miserably depressing and horrifically challenging to the point of me wanting to give up on The Orange Rhino Challenge and blogging all together. I *think* I’ve turned the corner, I hope so!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

The boys, yes all 4 including my bambino, did a fabulous job of finding their most annoying personality trait and parading it around the house from 6 am until 6 pm every day this week. #1 had two to three full-on emotional outbursts everyday over the smallest thing. #2 didn’t stop talking, even to take a breath. #3 spoke in a scream all week and #4 cried whenever he was put down. Oh, and #3 and #4 barely slept. Of course my sleep deprivation and stress headaches also hung around every day all week. Put my kids’ awesomeness together and BAM this week smacked me in the face. Oh, and I forgot to mention that when I am sleep deprived, I start to get extra moody and hormonal and start walking towards “my dark place.” So that made this week extra special.

Then it happened.

I took all 4 cranky boys to the pediatrician’s office to check to see if a double ear infection was the root of #3’s sleeping problems (per the doctor’s request). It wasn’t. Dammit, I was really looking for an easy solution! Anywho, picture a room about the size of a queen size bed. Maybe smaller. Now picture 1 doctor, 1 resident, 1 stroller (with baby), one mommy, three kids, a doctors table and a wall of cabinets. Now picture the free space. Right. There is none. We are snug as bugs in this room. And yes, I am claustrophobic. And yes, the baby is screaming (his teeth hurt?!), #3 is screaming “no shots, no shots” and #1 and #2 are bickering over who gets what color marker. It was such a lovely family bonding moment. Ha. Hardly.

Before Challenge, B.C., I would have broken into a sweat trying to keep the peace so that (1) I could look like a pulled together, terrific mom who doesn’t snap and (2) so that I could focus on what the doctor had to say. Instead of my normal I’m-at-the-doctor-and-the-room-is-too-small-and-you-kids-are-driving-me-nuts-nasty snap, I just laughed. I took one look around the room and thought to myself “This is f*****g nuts. I have four kids under 5. I bring my own circus wherever I go. God help me.”  And the sweat never came. It was so odd. I totally surprised myself.

But it was JUST what the doctor ordered.

It reminded that I AM changing, that I AM becoming a calmer person, a person who doesn’t YELL at her kids when she is stressed.  And boy did I need that reminder. I needed my groove back. I needed to feel good about myself, about this Challenge. I needed to know that all of my hard work means something.

I needed to feel empowered and invigorated again, because although I made it through the last few days not yelling, they were not so graceful. I had too many “oopsie snaps” and even occasionally flirted with the idea of “The Nasty Snap” much more than I care to admit. And while I didn’t break any Challenge Rules that I set forth for myself, I did realize one thing this past week:

Not yelling is great, but if it is replaced with lots of snapping, even if unintentional, that’s not so great.

“Oopsie snaps” are a reflection of my being not as patient, not as engaged, not as empathetic as I wish. I wish to be all those things because when I am, it means I am being more loving. Period. I started this challenge because I wanted to stop yelling. But why stop yelling? Because I felt awful every time I did. But why? Was it guilt? Was it embarrassment? Was it disappointment in myself? No, it was love. I love my boys immensely. I fell in love with them the minute I knew they were growing inside of me…and I fell even harder the minute I held them in my arms.

But my yelling, it was hurting their feelings, it was scaring them, it was shaming them. It was everything BUT loving them. And quite frankly, lots of snapping, well after a while, it isn’t loving them either.

So as I think about it, really, my commitment to do The Orange Rhino Challenge, to Not Yell for 365 days, it’s not just about changing the volume of my voice or changing my tone. It’s deeper than that. It’s about changing my entire momma attitude. It’s about being more patient, more engaged, more empathetic…more loving. Lucky for me, as I really hope to conquer this challenge, I have a feeling that if I yell less, I will love more. And If I am more patient, engaged, and empathetic…I will yell less. So whatever I chose to work on, I’ll win. I’ll love more. And at the end of the day, that is what is at the HEART of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Loving more.

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23 days down, 342 to go!

Dear Leap Day,
You came and I was so busy being cranky that I missed celebrating you! But as I write today, a day later, I thank you for reminding me of something. This project of mine, the not yelling for 365 days and blogging about it hoping someone wants to read it, it’s a leap of faith. Leap Year comes every four years. This opportunity however, to work on something that I am passionate about and truly believe in, comes once. And I have to seize it. Not just for me, but for my kids. So, sorry I missed you this go around but hopefully next time I do see you I still won’t be yelling!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I have to have more faith in myself that I can do this. That I can blog and share my feelings and not worry about what people think because really, that is what my problem is today. That is what is holding me back from writing what is on my find. This Challenge, it is more than about not yelling. It is about discovering if I want to remain a dedicated SAHM or if I want to go back to work part time. It is about learning to share my feelings without spending hours worrying what people think…it is about getting a thicker skin like a Rhino! It is about learning to persevere, even when I want to quit because I think I am going to fail. It is about learning to set time limits for myself – and focusing on what is important to me. It is about being honest with myself about all of these things even if I don’t like the answers.

I have to take the leap of Faith that these questions will resolve themselves. But only if I keep with it. I’ll be honest, I want to quit. For all the reasons above. Do I want to start yelling again? No, I don’t. Do I want to stop writing? No, I don’t it truly is helping me. Everytime I start writing, I learn something new about myself and why I yell. And I go to bed with some weight lifted. Do I want to stop sharing? Yes and No. Yes, because I worry what people think. If they like what I wrote, if they shared it with friends or not. But no, I don’t want to stop sharing, because I feel a community growing. A wonderful community of honesty, kindness, and support and it feels great to be a part of it.

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22 days down, 343 to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Readers,
In honor of Leap Day, I took a day off from blogging. Instead, I thought I would share one of my original posts written before I decided to go “live” and share my thoughts with the world. I am glad I pulled it up – I needed to be reminded of one of my first Orange Rhino Revelations: Self Awareness as to why I yell is Step 1 towards my success.

happy reading (and laughing at how Day 2, Take 2 malfunctioned),
The Orange Rhino

*
February 2, 2012

Day 2, Take 2

Dear Self Awareness,
You are what I need to help get me through this Challenge. If I can just figure out why I yell, what my triggers are, then maybe I’ll be able to stop! So please, come fill my head with lots of deep thoughts and insights and more so, the ability to admit to myself the truth about why I yell.

See you very soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I should not be writing right now but if I don’t, I’m going to lose it. The baby is sick and had me up all night (again!) so I’m tired. Which means one thing. It is only 6 am and the boys already have the upper hand! My oldest two woke before their “yellow suns” and started playing at 6 – instead of staying in rooms quietly until 630. Now, at first blush you say wow that’s great  – they played together and you got to stay in bed an extra half hour. Yes this is all very true and very much a miracle. But when they are cooped up together for that long – even if willingly – my 5 yr old gets all keyed up and inevitably will start picking on his brother.

Sure enough … ”#2 is a baby butt, #2 is a baby butt #2 is a baby butt.” #2 comes running in bawling. Cue baby to start crying and 2 year old to start banging obnoxiously on his door to come get him all at the same time. Ah the beautiful symphony of noises that fills my home so early in the morning. And now you know why I set my alarm and try to get up before them. So that I can be PREPARED for the onslaught.

So today, instead of yelling I picked up my computer and starting typing the frustration out hoping that it would calm my nerves down and bring me some relief. Anything. Bring me anything just so that I don’t scream!

Enter #1 and #2. “Mommy, Mommy you have to come see #2’s poop! It’s so cool looking.”

And all is well with the world. Poops are cool and now the baby is laughing at himself. Nothing like a good laugh to re-set my stay-cool button.

*

Um yeah, that was an EPIC FAIL. My stay-cool button must have malfunctioned because not 2 minutes later I kissed Day 2, Take 2 of not yelling good-bye! Shortly after pressing “Save” it donned on me that it was TOO Quiet. Rule of Thumb: If you have 4 boys under 5, or maybe just any number of kids, period, if it is TOO quiet, be afraid. Be very very afraid.

I anxiously walked out of my room. Lo and behold…there were SOAP SUDS EVERYWHERE! My oldest two, who were supposed to be brushing their teeth, were actually cleaning the sink and counter with hand soap which we all know, gets nice and sudsy and goes everywhere when you use the whole gosh darn bottle. Lovely. Just lovely.  Before I knew it, I had snapped. Rather loudly. “What the heck happened? Who made this mess? Who’s going to clean it up?” And then came the Roar. “Get in here NOW!!!!!” This was definitely a Level 5 Snap turned Level 6 Yell. #1’s hysterical response amid tears:

“But mommy, we were just doing our morning chores.”

I’ve taught them to wipe down the counter after brushing their teeth and that is exactly what they were doing. Wiping down the counter. Helping ME. How did I show my appreciation? My excitement for them taking initiative? I snapped at them. As #3 would say, “not nice!” As I would say, not cool and totally unnecessary.

ORANGE RHINO REVELATION: I snapped at them for so called “bad behavior” before even stopping to realize that they were JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD, trying to surprise me by pleasing me.

It seems I have a nasty little habit of seeing something the kids are doing that is good in nature but an inconvenience to me and yelling at them for it. This morning it was the soap suds.  At dinner I yelled at #2 for taking the milk out because I was afraid he’d spill it. He of course said “but mommy, I am just trying to help you.” Sigh. Then at bedtime, I snapped at #3 for taking off the baby’s diaper because I was certain he would feel the fresh air and pee everywhere – which of course he did. #3 then cried and said “baby bath.” Sigh. He just wanted his brother to go in the bath with him…..

Forget my “stay-cool” button, where is my STOP button? The one that helps me stop, survey the scene, ask questions and then talk not yell? Can I get one at Staples? Is it next to the Easy button?

This should read "Emergency. STOP. Think before Yelling. Chances are, it's unnecessary." Where can I get one? Can I hardwire it to my brain?!!

No seriously though, if I had just stopped for a mere second in these situations and realized the goodness that was going on, instead of charging, it could have been an awesome moment.

So now I am back to 0. AGAIN. How is it that I went 8 straight days and now I can’t go 36 hours? And let me tell you, those 8 days. They were fantastic. I felt invigorated. I felt empowered. I felt proud. I felt gosh darn good. I need to get back on track ASAP.

Enter my imaginary Orange Rhino friends. Where art thou? I need you! This blog is my place to record my success and struggles and hopefully find the support to change this habit for life. So please non-existent Orange Rhino friends, find me and help me keep my stay-cool button functioning!

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20 days down, 345 to go!

Dear Day 20,
Wow, you sure know how to go out with a bang…and a splash! As if I hadn’t had a long enough day as is, you seemed to find it necessary to have my 2 ½ year old bang against his door incessantly for 20 minutes in protest of bedtime at the same time that my 6 month old “decided” to throw up at least 6 ounces of Nutramigen Formula on me. And when I say on me, I mean at my chest in the exact perfect location so that it could splash up into my mouth (which was ajar in disbelief as to what was happening) while simultaneously gush down into my shirt and then trickle down to rest in my belly button. I generally prefer to celebrate accomplishments, like making it through Day 20, with something bubbly, like champagne, not something that smells like regurgitated cat throw up. When we get to 200 days without yelling can we please celebrate in a little more dignified way? We have 180 days to plan something grand. Let’s get cracking…

Thanks,

The Orange Rhino

*

Wow. What a day, what a night. The day turned out better than I expected. But I had my moments where I thought I would lose it. Oh did I have my moments. Like this one:

Rotten milk anyone?

And this one.

You're kidding me, right?

Oh and this one.

Wow, these go around so much faster when covered in throw-up....

God knows who took the milk out of the fridge and how long it had been sitting there when I found it. And god knows why #3 thinks that my fridge is a jungle gym. And god knows why babies like to have explosive dirty diapers and throw up in the Exersaucer  – taking my third arm out of commission for the day so that I can clean no drain and sanitize it. I had a lot of those moments today. Moments where I just wanted to scream,
“What the ….?!” Lots of these moments added up to a very very long day.

But then there was the moment after my baby threw up where even though we both were dripping in vomit, he looked right at me, oblivious of the smell, and smiled. Or when I finally went into #3’s room after 30 minutes of hysterical cleaning (I had to clean up the nursery rug and shower or I was going to throw up too) and he said “Schnuggle mommy. Mommy schnuggle. Mommy head down. Pillow. Hug me” and then he reached over with his arm to pull me close to him.

Even though I had told myself tonight was the night, that I was done with #3’s new refusal  to put himself to sleep since I know he knows how, when I put him back into bed and his arm reached up, I couldn’t do it. He had me at “schnuggle.” And so I sat there and watched him fall asleep. And even though I told myself I wouldn’t rub his back or play with his hair, I would just sit there with no contact or talking…like my sleep book would tell me…I couldn’t do it. He just looked too sweet.

It’s amazing how at 2 ½ years old he can still look as sweet as the day he was born. It’s amazing how 1 minute earlier I was ready to scream at the top of my lungs “SHUT UP and go to sleep” and let Day 20 slip away. And how now 1 minute later, I don’t want the moment to end. I am really grateful I didn’t yell at this moment – because then not only would I have made #3 more hysterical and thus it would have taken me that much longer to get to my leftover Birthday cake, but also I would have been too worked up to appreciate watching him fall asleep (not to mention he would have fallen asleep feeling hurt and unloved. Certainly not the way I like to fall asleep…..)

I remember clearly saying to my mom when my oldest son was about 3 months that these were the longest, shortest days of my life. And that is what makes them the hardest. It’s not my lack of sleep or the kid’s behavior that makes the days hard, it’s that they are filled with such highs and such lows. The highs make the day short – because there just isn’t enough time in the day to stay in the moment. Like when my baby turns and reaches for me to be held or when #2 says “mommy, I love you for helping me take off all my clothes so I can poop without getting them dirty.” And the lows, like #1 and #2 fighting over legos at 5:40 in the morning, well the lows, can make the day feel like it’s going to eat me alive! Until of course a high comes along, and then all is well with the world of mommyhood.

Being a mom is like riding a horse on a merry go round. One minute I am ready to jump off and make a run for it (to the spa perhaps?!) and the next i just want to stay put and never get off. I never know how to feel, it’s mentally exhausting! Up and down, up and down, up and down. Somedays are filled with so much love and so much anger/frustration at the same time that I’m wiped out by noon!

And not only is being a mom tiring, but it’s infuriating. I want to enjoy each moment (well the good ones) but it is so hard because the bad, or rather challenging moments, suck the life right out of me leaving little left to enjoy the good moment that is coming up any minute on a good day, an hour or two on a bad day. And sometimes I am so zapped from the bad moments that I don’t even realize when a good moment is happening…and then passing…like this morning when I was *busy* being annoyed that #1, #2, and #3 were getting soap and water everywhere while washing their hands. I was too entrenched to realize something awesome was happening right in front of me. They were “washing off germs together”, without being asked to, so they could play with the baby but keep him healthy. Sigh. THANK GOD I was just annoyed at that moment today and didn’t yell at them for being so considerate. Then I really would have felt like an a*s.  Instead I only felt like a partial a*s for being annoyed in the first place. Making progress. Making progress.

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18 days down, 347 to go!

Dear Tom Cruise,

Here's to you Tom!

This post is dedicated to you Tom Cruise and a friend who helped me get this blog going who is in Labor right now! She sent me an email saying “I’ll be out of touch for a bit, I’m in labor.” I laughed because that is something I would do…did do…send work emails while being in Labor. I wrote back: “No worries. Good luck and remember NO YELLING! LOL” And so Tom, I thought of you and all the hub-bub around how Katie Holmes had to deliver Suri without making noise. I don’t know the details (and this isn’t a religious or political post!) I just remember something about silence and peace. Today, I get that. Not yelling for 18 days has brought peace to my house and to me. But dear friend in labor…in my book, having just been there and done that, now is no time to feel the need to be peaceful. The peace will come when that beautiful boy arrives. Until then, yell away!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

A Silent Birth. Yeah there was no way in h*ll that I could have delivered my 4^th son silently.  You see, the epidural had stopped working (as it always does for me) and I went from 4 cm to #4 in about 20 minutes, if that. Around 2:25 pm I asked the nurse to get the Anesthesiologist because I knew the drugs were wearing off – she came back 5 minutes later to say he was coming and I said, “Don’t bother, the baby is coming NOW!” She didn’t believe me since I had JUST been checked and was barely 4 cm. But she got the doctor anyway. Smart move.

The doctor came in (all smug like, lady, you ain’t delivering it’s not like you’ve done this three times and know your body or anything….) did the exam and then promptly said “Don’t move. The head is there. We’re not ready and he’s coming out on his own.”  See, I told you I was having this baby!!! Not only was he practically delivering himself fast and furiously, but he was coming out at an angle since he was still partially breeched. So it kind of hurt. You know, just a wee little bit. And I was kind of screaming just a wee little bit.

After three pushes, and a heck of a lot of swearing, #4 arrived and he was absolutely perfect. I just held him in my arms, tears of joy and amazement dripping down my face, and fell in love all over again for the 5^th time in my life. Holding my son for the first time in my arms is the most overwhelming, powerful feeling ever. Words won’t do it justice. The world stopped for that minute when I looked down and saw this precious being. My son. And all the nausea, sleepless nights, leg cramps, back aches, and labor pains disappeared. And even though this was my 4^th delivery, I still felt the power of the miracle that just happened take over my body as strongly as when my first son was born.

I felt his little fingers wrap around mine grasping for security after his abrupt arrival…I felt his head nuzzle up against my chest looking for comfort under the bright lights…I felt his eyes peering at me trying to find reassurance that it will be okay in his new world…and I? I felt at peace. All my yelling had stopped and I was at peace.

All the yelling has stopped and I felt at peace.

That amazingly enough describes what The Orange Rhino Challenge has done for me thus far.

All the yelling has stopped and I feel at peace.

Simply put, not yelling for 18 days has filled me, my home, my boys, with more peace. There is less hostility in everyone’s tones. There is less quarrelling between the boys (but let’s be real, there are still fights but they are shorted lived and fewer of them and the house is still  insanely chaotic and I still want to yell, I’m just not!) There is less anxiety in my mind over whether or not I am a good enough mom because I just feel like a better mom, a nicer mom. Whenever I used to yell, whether it was warranted or not, it just filled me with more frustration, more anger. It never made me feel better. The more I yelled, the more agitated person I became and that trickled down to how my kids perceived me and how they acted towards me and each other.

But now, in not yelling, I feel light. I feel free. I feel corny 🙂  But it is all true. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. There is a new sense of calm about me more often than not…. a feeling that I never knew I could achieve. And it feels fantastic. I don’t want to lose this feeling because not only do I feel like a better mom and a nicer mom, I feel like a happier mom. And that is a feeling I’ve been searching for much longer than I care to admit….

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