63 days down, 302 to go!

Dear Brain,
Is it too much to ask of you to be creative when I need you to? To come up with a clever name for the idea I am about to share? Clearly it is. Because I’ve been sitting here for several hours trying to come up with a catch phrase that will intrigue people and inspire them to respond and yet all that is happening is I am quickly growing frustrated and tired. So the gig is up. I either don’t post and be frustrated that I didn’t or I post something that doesn’t meet my standards. I’m going with the latter. And I am going to be okay with it. In fact, I am going to feel liberated. Trying to live up to my standards all the time is exhausting. Enough already. I put too much pressure on myself and that makes me stressed which makes we want to yell. And we know I can’t do that anymore. So this is my first attempt at letting my standards slide, a little.

P.S. Since you refused to be creative tonight can you at least telepathically ask the readers of this blog to forgiving of the grammatical errors and lack of organizational clarity?? 

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

“Questions provide the key to unlocking our unlimited potential.” – Anthony Robbins

A friend of mine who helped me get this blog going (THANKS!) gave me the great idea of having a night when I open the blog up for questions and then I can reply to one question that week. I love this idea for so many reasons – and I am brain tired tonight so I am going to use bullet points to tell you why.

• Your questions force me to remember how I have kept from yelling, how I have gotten this far…
• Your questions force me stop and think and push myself a little harder to try new ways to keep from yelling…
• Your questions remind me I am not alone on this journey and force me to KEEP GOING even when I want to quit!

In short, your questions INSPIRE ME. And I hope my answers INSPIRE YOU. 

Have you ever noticed that Rhinos always have little birdies on their backs? It is called a symbiotic relationship (thanks Go, Diego go for reminding me of that this morning) – the birds help the Rhino and the Rhino helps the birds.

It is the same here, at The Orange Rhino Challenge. You help me with your questions and in turn, I want to help you.

So once a week I am going to open up the blog for YOUR QUESTIONS. Please post your questions in the comment section below. Any and all questions are welcome, ie:

• Why do I feel like giving up yelling is like giving up drugs or chocolate?
• How do you not yell at your kids during a pillow fight? Walk me through it?
• Do you really feel like a better person?
• Why should I do this Challenge?

58 days down, 307 to go

A Flashback to Day 2, TAKE 3

February 9, 2012

Dear Ketchup?,
I want to thank you for causing a pretty intense allergic reaction on #2’s arm tonight right in the middle of the Orange Rhino family melt-down hour. I really needed another medical problem to look into and resolve. It’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate with the news that #3 is allergic to peanuts and that #1’s nose is still bothering him two weeks after his adenoid surgery. But I hate to tell ya, while you tried really hard to get me all stressed out and all geared up to yell at the three other kids clamoring for my attention during your little trick, I didn’t. Better luck next time. Go find some mustard to pick on. Or better yet, figure out what the heck caused the allergic reaction.

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

YAHOO! Day 2 success! Yeah baby. Feeling good. Love being back in the saddle. It’s amazing how just one day so easily turned into two. And it wasn’t easy but the high of success, of knowing that I COULD do it, made me thirsty for more. Thirsty for more of that feeling of control, of peace, of love, of pride.

I was proud of myself for keeping it together. Especially when I wanted to scream at #1 “just shut up!!!!!” because his jabbering at me, all while I was anxiously watching #2’s arm rapidly swell up, was getting on my nerves just as fast as the reaction was spreading. The hives went from the elbow to his fingers in seconds puffing up his entire hand. I was scared sh*tless; I had never seen such an intense allergic reaction before. I had no idea what caused it (I think the ketchup, buy maybe the corn, or a bug bite?) and I couldn’t call the doctor because it was between office hours and on call hours. Perfect timing. Why does this always happen to me? And how dare the doctor’s office not have coverage at the worst hour of the day, when everything happens?! That’s a whole separate post….

Anywho, while I knew the pediatrician would say give him Benadryl, FAST, I was hesitant to give it to him. In the past #2 hasn’t responded to it at all and actually had a psychotic response which included throwing books at my face. Seriously. But somewhere amidst this fear, and anxiety, and chaos, I found peace and control and was able to think things through rationally. I decided to risk the Benadryl because I knew that stopping the reaction was far more important than my not wanting another busted lip or my not wanting to deal with #2 bouncing off the walls until 1030 that night.

Thank the Benadryl Gods, it worked. Reaction stopped quickly and Thank whomever, #2 didn’t have an adverse response. And I guess thank the Orange Rhino Challenge for keeping me in check! Phew, crisis averted.

I am so glad I didn’t yell.

Not just because I don’t want to go back to 0 again and have to struggle to get out (it was such a crappy 9 day struggle!) but because it would have just made matters worse. #1 was jabbering away because he was nervous. When I’m nervous or scared, he feels the same, x10. If I had yelled at him, in his fragile state, he would have just burst into tears. Then I would have had two hysterical kids to deal with which on top of my stress at that moment, would have definitely SUCKED. And it would have easily put me over the edge making it impossible for me to think clearly. Which is precisely what I needed to do – both to handle the situation and to keep from yelling.

I stayed calm and thought things through.  

Oh frightening, I just paraphrased a line from one of my boys’ TV shows. In a Word World TV Show episode, two of the Word Friends frantically try to build a word and can’t. So another friend says:

Stay calm and think things through.

Stay calm and think things through.

Yes, that is sound advice Word Friends.

I will keep trying to stay calm and think things through – it worked wonders for me tonight! (I will also try to watch more adult TV shows…I am a little worried that I am naturally reciting a kids show. LOL)

*

Fast forward 55 days. I am still staying calm and thinking things though. When I want to yell I stop and think, why do I want to yell? Is it really necessary? Will it even work or will it makes things worse?

Is there another solution to yelling that will get the same, rather, better result??? The answer is yes. It’s always yes. Except well maybe in emergency situations, see Challenge Details 🙂

There are lots of other solutions to yelling. And when I am CALM and think things through, I can figure out the non-yelling solution fairly easily. It might take longer to get my desired action to take place, but the benefits are well worth the wait. So I am doing my darndest to stay calm, at ALL times. And let me tell you, seeing as I am not naturally a calm person except in emergencies (this is backwards, I know, I’m weird!), this is a huge task for me. Huge. Gigantic. Enormous!!! But I have proof it works so I am going to keep at it until the calmness has taken over my entire body, kind of like an allergic reaction, but a really good one!

Are you trying to not yell? What is your favorite non-yelling solution? Tell me! If I am going to go 307 more days I might need some new tricks! 

P.S. If you are celebrating one of the holidays with family this weekend (like I am) and you get stressed with all the extra chaos (like I do) and want everyone to go home early (like I will) just remember…stay calm and think things through and then maybe you won’t yell at them to get the heck out of your house!!! LOL. Enjoy the holidays.

51 days down, 314 to go!

Dear Lion and Tiger,
Where do you get off hiding from #3 right before bedtime? Do you not know that #3 can’t fall asleep without you? And of all nights to go missing you pick a night when your best friend didn’t nap during the day and is completely and utterly inconsolable. Seriously? WTF? What did I do to offend you? I’m nothing but nice to you. I wash you when you’ve been chewed to disgustiness. I make sure you come on vacations with us. I try my hardest to let you stay snuggled in bed all day so that you don’t get left behind somewhere or fed yogurt for breakfast. And yet, this is how you repay me. Thanks. No truly. Thanks.  You made me realize something. 51 days of not yelling and I’ve actually changed. So while I am grateful for my new insight, let’s not pull this stunt again, okay?

Thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*
It’s 5:59. Finally, time to go up to bed. I’m counting down the minutes until 7:00 when I have my night to myself. I have lots to do. But, oh my, Lion and Tiger had other plans.

It’s now 6:15. #3 is out of the bath. Up since 5 am with no nap, he looks like he is going to face plant any second. He frantically starts looking for his friends. And by friends I mean his 3 Lions and his 2 Tiger loveys that he NEEDS in order to go to sleep. We are 2 lions and 2 tigers short.  Sh*t I think, knowing the hysterics that will follow. Yup.

Missing: Lion #3 and Tiger #2. Reward: Anything. Just so long as #3 goes to sleep!

Through tears: “Mommy, mommy. Tiger gone. Lion gone. Missing. All gone. Downstairs.”

In an effort to save bedtime I quickly grab the baby and bravely leave #1, #2, and #3 alone in a room (which by the way is asking for someone to be pushed into a door or kicked just because it’s the end of the day and that’s what we do. Duh!)  I go downstairs and do a quick sweep of the house and find 1 lion and 1 tiger. Double sh*t. Still down 2.

I hesitantly return upstairs to deliver the news to my now screaming 2.5 year old.

“#3, look I found Lion and Tiger!!!”

#1 points out: “Mommy, you’re still missing a tiger.”
#2 points out: “And a lion.”
#3 “chimes” in: “NOOOOO. Lion and Tiger gone. All gone. No nap.”

(Oh yes dear son, you are going to sleep. With or without Lion #3 and Tiger#2, you are destined for bed!)

Well, at this point there isn’t much else I can do, scratch that, will do. It’s way past bed time and I desperately need to get the kids to sleep so that I can feed the baby (and because well, I am desperate for the day to be over already). I promise #3 that I will find Lion and Tiger and bribe him with an episode of Jake and the Neverland Pirates in the morning if he goes to sleep.  The bribe worked. Jake is my new best friend.

Fast forward to 7:00 ish. I am on my hands and knees crawling all over the first floor looking under every curtain, chair, couch, table for Lion and Tiger. When I am not looking under I am looking in. In every bucket, box, wagon, car, tool box, backpack, bed, cabinet. And let’s not forget IN the garbage. Yup, I looked in every FULL (because why would they be empty on nights I needed to look through them?!) garbage bag. No luck.

It is now 7:30ish. I have just wasted 30 minutes of MY PRECIOUS TIME looking for these blessed animal friends that are SUPPOSED to stay in their room for this exact reason. I don’t know how many times I have cursed these friends out. And not just lion and tiger. I’ve cursed out daddy elephant, mommy elephant, froggy, ducky, lamby, giraffe, puppy#1, puppy #2, teddy #1, teddy #2, and the newest friend, #4’s bunny. Because yes, each child has not 1, not 2, but AT LEAST 4 of these friends.

Why? I don’t know. I guess because when I was a first time mom and some experienced mom said “oh you mustn’t buy just one, you need several in case you lose one. But oh, don’t buy the same one. Buy different animals so he is equally attached to all so if one is lost, he’ll be happy with another.” Okay, well that logic was WRONG.  As proved tonight.

My boys don’t care if they are the same or different. If they have 1 or 600. They love them all equally if and 1 is missing well their whole universe falls apart.

And normally I fall apart with it.

“What the h*ll! How did you lose your friends?! They are supposed to stay in your room! Why didn’t you leave them there. This is your fault. Your responsibility. I have things to do besides looking for your friends. Give me a break!”

Oh yes, I have had MASSIVE tantrums and screaming fits over missing friends and blamed the kids. Some of my best shows actually. And all right before bedtime.  It wasn’t bad enough one of my sons had to go to bed without their best friend, I had to scream at them too. Talk about an AWESOME send off to bed.

But tonight, I didn’t. It was hands down the weirdest out of body experience EVER. I didn’t even flinch. I  just offered hugs and kisses and lots of love and encouragement that he would sleep okay which is a MUCH better way to send him off to slumber. Was I annoyed? Oh yes. Did I b*tch while looking through the garbage that smelled of fresh fish? Yes. Did I yell at myself for losing the friends (because really, my son is 2.5, it’s my job to make sure the friends, ALL 5 of them, stay in his room)? Yes.

But I didn’t lose it at #3. I didn’t even have the urge to throw a raging Level 6 temper tantrum. Or to even yell.

And wow is that refreshing and ridiculously awesome. I feel like I have actually changed. And given the length and intensity of the screaming rants I used to have, I honestly never thought I could. I never thought I could hold it together. I never thought I could go 1 day, let alone 2 days, let alone 51 days without yelling.

I lost the loveys and in return found a new, calmer, me. A me who yells less and loves more. Totally worth the hassle.

Found. At the Train Station. Of all the places, they couldn't have gone hiding on the couch, where I could find them??!

And rest assured, Lion and Tiger were found and are now snuggling with #3.  They were at the Train Station with Thomas. Because, really, why hide in an obvious place and make my life easy?

*

Do you think you that you can’t stop yelling? Is there one event that always sets you off? Share it with me! I picked 365 days of not yelling for my goal. That was perhaps a little intense. Maybe I could have picked just one event, like becoming a screaming mama whenever a friend was lost, and decided to not yell in that situation. If you are hesitant to start the challenge but want to, maybe try picking one event and choosing not to yell at that time. It’s a start, right?

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49 days down, 316 to go.

Dear Russell,
I want to thank you for saving me from my cranky self last Friday. You might not have realized it but the one word you said to me helped me get through the rest of the day. It gave me the pep in my step that I had a lost. So thank you. You are amazing.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*
Day 45 sucked. You already know that. But what you don’t know is that it only mostly sucked, it didn’t completely suck. All thanks to Russell.

About 6 hours after my Day 45 morning meltdown, and about 2 hours after my afternoon meltdown because #1 and #2 came home from school, looked at me, and started up AGAIN, it was time to get all the boys out the door to take #3 to speech therapy. #3 and #4 had opted to shorten their naps (wasn’t that considerate?!) so I took advantage of the beautiful weather to walk to town instead of drive. I SO desperately needed the exercise and sunshine. I prayed that together the two would snap me back into a good mood; that they would snap me back to being a good, on the ball parent.

So I strapped one kid on my back in my Ergo baby carrier, buckled two in the double stroller and took the other one by the hand. And off we went for our mile walk to town. I felt rejuvenated as hoped and thought,

“I can do this. I can make it through Day 45. I feel MUCH better. Mental note. When struggling, get out and walk.”

Am I the only one who thinks positive things out loud and jinxes herself? UGH!

We arrived and within minutes of #3 heading off with his speech therapist, I immediately, thought “sh*t I CAN’T do this!” #4 was screaming again because he was hungry, but wouldn’t take his bottle. And #1 and #2 were whining because two of the boys in the waiting room had doughnuts and they did not. So they opted to show their dismay by climbing all over the chairs, rolling around on the floor, not listening and reminding me every 30 seconds that they did not have doughnuts. It was AWESOME, mostly because there were three other moms watching me (judging me?) as I struggled to keep my composure.

At last #3 returns. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I load everyone up and head for the door. As I maneuver myself and the stroller out, Russell, the office manager, stops me.  He takes one look at me. I clearly look frazzled. And overwhelmed. And probably pretty fragile too.

“I just want you to know that I think you are Amazing. You do an amazing job.”

Well, I certainly didn’t feel “Amazing” and I don’t like to think I am. But guess what, at that point, I said thank you and believed him. Because I needed to.  That one statement made my afternoon. It kept Day 45 alive. It gave me the confidence I needed. It filled my heart with happiness. Seriously.

Because how often as a mom do I feel unrecognized, unappreciated, and unsuccessful? OFTEN.
How often do I feel amazing? HARDLY EVER, if ever.

Why?

Part of that is my nature. I am insecure. Part of that is the nature of being a mom. Of being caught up in the diaper changing, fight stopping, nap training, meal making, mini-van driving craziness and forgetting to stop and realize, wait, I have good kids, I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.

And part of it is that there is no report card in motherhood, there is nothing telling me I am doing a good job. There are just kids telling me they need milk and their bottoms wiped!  And well I like report cards, always have, always will. They inspire me. They make me feel good about myself, my efforts. They remind me that my hard work is paying off. And if my hard work isn’t paying off, at least they say, hey, you get an A for effort. Oh how I miss report cards, oh how I miss the tangible positive reinforcement.

Yes, I could easily say that my boys are my report card. I could say that their behavior 100% reflects my efforts. That their politeness (or not), their empathy (or not), their listening (or not!!) is a direct correlation to my efforts. But at the ages of 5 and under, I think it is unfair, to me and to them, to consider them my “report card.”

Right now, at this stage of motherhood, I can only be evaluated based on me. On my actions. On my efforts. So to hear Russell tell me that I am doing an amazing job, well, it felt great. And it was the kind of positive reinforcement I needed at that moment because the other reinforcement I was getting was   from my boys and it was the importance of birth control!

Russell took 30 seconds out of his day to compliment me as a mom. 30 seconds. Those 30 seconds reinvigorated me and helped me parent the next 4 hours with more love, grace and a heck of a lot more fortitude. You know, like an Orange Rhino. I know I am not alone in wishing someone told me I was a good mom more often…and I know I am not the only one who NEEDS to hear that more often. So I am going to pay it forward. Any time I see a parent doing being amazing, I am going to tell him/her. Starting now.

If you are reading this, chances are that you are trying to yell less at your children. In my book that makes you amazing, because admitting that you need to change takes courage, and trying to change takes even more.

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45 days down, 320 to go!

Dear Day 45,
You kind of sucked. Big time. But you know that already, you were right there beside me watching (laughing?) as the kids took turns kicking my a*s and I fought back tears of frustration. Oh I hope the next few days are better or at least that they give me new ideas on how to handle tough, crappy days.

Off to recharge,
The Orange Rhino

*

Today sucked. Really sucked. I haven’t had a day like today in oh say 45 days. The hits just kept on coming and my anger, then hostility, and frustration just kept on growing. I think my kids actually woke up and said, hmmm, let’s test mommy today. She is almost at 50 days, let’s knock her back to 0 for sh*ts and giggles. Well they did a darn good job trying. Because let me tell you…oh did I want to SCREAM today.

It all started at 7:00 am. #2 took all the pillows in the family room and created a blockade so that I couldn’t sit down and feed the screaming baby suffering from a 103 fever.  I know, sounds innocent, right? They are just pillows. Well to me, it was a personal attack. I have told him time and time again NOT to do that because it makes it hard for me to walk safely around the coffee table without tripping and yada yada yada. In otherwords, it’s a darn inconvenience to me and I don’t want to deal with it at 7:00 in the morning. Can we say, mama was CRANKY?!

Next.

Five minutes after I finished feeding #4 and the boys TV show ended the mischief began. The dumping of all toy containers. The throwing blocks across the room. The running around the house naked and screaming. Did I mention the baby was still crying because he refused his bottle and he was still starving?  Did I mention that nothing and I mean NOTHING I said, did, tried, stopped the behavior? Did I mention that I was so frustrated tears were starting to fall down my cheeks? Yup they were. I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was so overwhelmed and frustrated that I couldn’t get a hold on the situation. Disciplining just wasn’t working this morning and I wanted to SCREAM, not yell, but SCREAM!

So I stood still in the middle of the kitchen, tears falling, baby screaming in my arms and the three older boys running around me, naked.

The Orange Rhino Rolodex. Well not exactly, but maybe I do need one?!

And I started mentally flipping through my Orange Rhino Rolodex for tips on how to keep from yelling. Breathe. Walk away. Whisper. Get a camera. Join them. I tried everything (but get naked, scary sight!) and didn’t yell but discovered I was quickly running out of tactics. Sigh. It was only 8:00 and I was tapped out for the day.

Ding.

Saved by the toaster oven! The waffles I *cooked* are ready and the smell of syrup rallies the troops, albeit still naked, to the table. At this point, I don’t care. I just want 5 minutes of quiet and quasi good behavior.

Clearly too much to ask.

The plates – WITH SYRUP DRIPPING ON THEM – start flying across the kitchen table. Are you kidding me??? I picked up the plates and cleared the table. Breakfast was over. The response I got?

“Mommy, we were just being like the three naughty monkeys on TV. We were having fun too. You see, the monkeys threw their breakfast (banana peels) so that is what we were doing.”

Well sh*t. They were right. They were acting out the TV show. Ugh.  Should they know better? Probably. But points for creative play.

Just then, they are saved by the phone. My hubby innocently asks how the morning was going. My response?

“It ain’t going, it’s EXPLODING. This morning has been awful. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do.” Tears start flowing FAST.

My husband so lovingly tells me one of my new insights:

“Sweetheart, you just have to go 32 more minutes and you’ll make it through the day. You just have to get them buckled into their carseats (where they can’t hit, punch, bite each other) and off to school.”

“Right. I got it. I can do this.”

I can’t remember exactly what happened in those next 30 minutes. I blocked it out because it was beyond infuriating. I am pretty sure it had to do with lots of not listening and not getting ready for school. I had completely lost control of the situation. Anytime I spoke my voice seemed to vanish into the air. Poof!  My boys were in charge. I was just along for the ride. And boy was it a bumpy, crappy ride that made me sick to my stomach with frustration. I just wanted to SCREAM at them and scare them into listening. Obviously that wasn’t an option.

So I focused on keeping it together for just 30 minutes. The time flew when I finally let go and stopped pushing them to cooperate, when I realized that it was OKAY that we were going to be late to school. No big deal. No point yelling. I chilled out and in turn, so did they. Of course, I felt like I failed as a parent, that I gave in to their bad behavior.

But as I write this, I think, maybe I didn’t fail. I might not have gotten their behavior under wraps but at least I kept mine in check by not yelling. So I guess I need to add “chill out” to my Orange Rhino Rolodex of tips on how not to yell.

What’s in your Orange Rhino Rolodex?

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42 days down, 323 to go!

Dear Alison,
Tonight’s post is for you. You were one of my first FB followers and you have inspired me along the way with your commitment and passion to change the habit of yelling at your kids. I have always been impressed with your honesty and your positive attitude. I often found myself thinking of you, and your will, whenever I was feeling like I wanted to quit, so thank you.

When you made it 10 days, I asked you a few questions and this is what you answered. As you re-embark on day 1 (or is it 2?) I thought it was the perfect time to share with you what you wrote. I hope it makes you smile. I know it made me smile, especially the part about singing your emotions instead of yelling them. And I know it will make others not only smile but also feel inspired. Thanks for sharing. And keep it up. ANY moment that you choose to not yell is a win in my book. So whether you make it 10 more days, 30, 60 or 365, I think you have already succeeded….

Cheers to YOU,
The Orange Rhino

*

1. Name (if you wish), # of kids, ages and gender
Alison Chan, 2 kids, Ethan 3.5 and Calvin 21 months

2. What drove you to do The Orange Rhino Challenge in the first place? Did you have an epiphany?
I was reading your blog that a friend had posted and immediately was drawn to the truth that you spoke. I gave it a try and on day 3 of going back to day 0, I realized I really needed to give this a serious try. Once I got to day 1 successfully, I realized that my 3-year-old also did not have a tantrum that day. After that I was hooked and committed to going a whole 365 days!

3. How has The Orange Rhino Challenge impacted you? Your family? 
I have had 13 days without yelling and feel fantastic. I am so much more patient with my kids and really now I realize that I used to get upset about the stupidest things. The biggest impact on our family is the pure and simple fact that Ethan has not had a tantrum in 13 days! Him and I talk about this and he really said that it is because I am talking to him differently. I love it!

4. What has been the hardest part about not yelling?
The hardest part about not yelling is that it is easy to revert to old habits. It is really hard at the beginning to change the way you speak. I realize now though that I even lost track of the number of days I have not yelled because it feels so normal to me to not yell now.

5. What is the best part about not yelling?
The best part about not yelling is that my kids have also stopped yelling. They now have so much more tolerance for each other and are starting to really share their feelings and emotions in a much more grownup way. It has been fabulous! I have enjoyed so much more of my time at home with them. I am a stay at home mom and I can honestly say, some days I would just wait for my husband to get home from work and just run out of the house because I was so frustrated some days when my oldest would have 4 or 5 30 min tantrums. I no longer have days at all like that any more and I am so happy to spend every minute with them. The tough moments we do have are much more manageable for all of us.

6. What is your one “Orange Rhino Revelation” about how to not yell that you would like to share with others? (ie, what works instead…singing, dancing, being silly?)
I always try to get silly and sing my emotions out instead of yell……this sounds so ridiculous, but it works for me.

7. Did you EVER think you would make it to Day 10? 
I never thought at day 0, I could make it to day 10, but now I am losing track of the number of days because it is getting so easy for me.

8. What is your new goal
My new goal is to get to day 60. After that, I think 365 days is totally possible!
*

Have you made it 10 days without yelling? Email me! I would love to hear from you and be inspired! The first 10 days are the hardest but most phenomenal feeling days. Reading what other people experienced during those 10 days reminds me what it is all about.

Email me at TheOrangeRhinoChallenge@gmail.com

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38 days down, 327 to go!

Dear #1 and #2,
I am glad you had so much fun today. Really I am. Especially because you were having fun together which is a rarity in this house. But next time, can you have more fun doing oh say, not naughty things? I would be much obliged because then I wouldn’t have bitten my tongue trying to not yell.

Thanks,
Your Loving Mom, a.k.a
The Orange Rhino

*

I continue to surprise myself. From 4:30pm to 7:30 pm I certainly should have yelled. At least once. More like four times. Because that is what I would have done in the past.  #1 and #2 were in KAHOOTZ tonight to piss me off. They were determined. Even when I said  “ORANGE RHINO. I am going to lose it” they kept going. With smirks and laughter to boot. Little sh*ts. Oh but I love them.

I don’t know why I didn’t yell.  Maybe it was the Spring type weather, the 8 hours of sleep last night, or maybe I am changing.Or maybe I just realized that I didn’t stand a chance against these two tonight! Sometimes, you just have to toss your hands up in the air and say, oh well. They’re not hurt, they’re not being rude, they’re just having fun. LOOSEN UP mamma! (Yes, I am WICKED uptight. Ask anyone who knows me!)

It all started at 4:30. I had asked the boys to clean up. It got quiet. Really quiet. I looked in the hall closet. All the coats (6 people’s worth!) were on the floor. #1 was standing on top of his Pottery Barn Cushion Chair – which is anything but strong – with six linked hangers in his hand trying to get down a spool of gift ribbon to decorate the house. #2 is standing there as well, taking orders from #1 as to how to support him so he doesn’t fall. It was actually kind of cute…and very resourceful. So I let the mess slide.

I politely reminded them to clean up. I got back to helping #3 clean up.Then I saw something white flying through the air.

What is white, light, and can float in the air for long distances? TOILET PAPER.

Well, since I had ruined their plans to decorate the house with green ribbon they decided together that toilet paper was better. Well at this point I had the baby in my arms. So as I went to grab #1 and stop him with my one free hand, #2 ran back into the bathroom and got more toilet paper. When I stopped him, #1 got free and went into the bathroom. I was completely outmatched.

And I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t yell which is SO what I wanted to do. No, I wanted to SCREAM, like level 6 scream. I wanted to scare them to make them stop in their tracks. They were so giddy from having fun (and probably from the Spring weather too!) that my voice, even my whisper, didn’t demand their attention. I was beyond annoyed because now the entire area was COVERED in one spool of toilet paper. Finally, baby still in arms, and still screaming (lucky kid, that is what I wanted to be doing!) I boxed them out and shut the bathroom door. What else was I supposed to do? Yeah, probably should have just started throwing toilet paper too. Would have been way more fun!

The dynamic duo moved into the kitchen to “color.” Excellent I thought, some nice quiet time. Then it got quiet again. SH*T!

#1 came running out of the bathroom looking like he was ready for a Tribal meeting in the Madagascar movie. He had taken his shirt off and used his Crayola markers to drawn on his face. Now, this wasn’t new. He had done the same a few days earlier. But I was sure that the strong scrubbing in the bathtub for 30 minutes to remove the NON-truly-WASHABLE markers would have cemented in his brain that this was a dumb idea. Clearly, it hadn’t. As I went to wash his face off, I saw another child, #2 of course run out of the kitchen. Well sh*t. Yup, he came back equally decorated.

Again, what’s a mom to do? I mean really?

What's a mom to do? Yell?! Nah. It was too funny. Kind of. It was a pain to wash off!!!

When this is what your kids look like, when they’ve played together joyfully, does yelling really achieve anything??? Nah. I just said to myself screw it. They look hilarious. No need to yell.

Oh, you are probably thinking that was it for the night. Right? Yeah, for an hour.

Our marathon scrubbing the non-washable-markers off bath is over. I am counting down the minutes to a nice, cold, refreshing beer. #1 and #2 and #3 have been tucked in. #4 is having his bottle. It is peaceful. For 30 seconds.

#3 is banging on the door, presumably with his fists.

With my baby in my arms, I walked into #3’s room. I picked him up off the floor where he had been HAMMERING the door. Yes, not banging with fists, but HAMMERING the brand new door with the plastic hammer he snuck into his room since his tools are his security items. I calmly (how the he*k I was calm I truly don’t know) put him in bed, told him good night and walked out.

What a sh*t show.

Alas, it is now 8:10. Not gonna lie, I don’t even need a beer to relax. Because making it through the last few hours without yelling feels really good. Really really good. Being more chill feels great, almost better than a cold beer.

Who am I kidding? I need to celebrate. Cheers!

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24 days down, 341 to go!

Dear Day 24,
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for being so kind and taking it down a notch because quite frankly days 20, 21, 22, and 23 have sucked. No, that is putting it mildly. They have been miserably depressing and horrifically challenging to the point of me wanting to give up on The Orange Rhino Challenge and blogging all together. I *think* I’ve turned the corner, I hope so!

Cheers,

The Orange Rhino

*

The boys, yes all 4 including my bambino, did a fabulous job of finding their most annoying personality trait and parading it around the house from 6 am until 6 pm every day this week. #1 had two to three full-on emotional outbursts everyday over the smallest thing. #2 didn’t stop talking, even to take a breath. #3 spoke in a scream all week and #4 cried whenever he was put down. Oh, and #3 and #4 barely slept. Of course my sleep deprivation and stress headaches also hung around every day all week. Put my kids’ awesomeness together and BAM this week smacked me in the face. Oh, and I forgot to mention that when I am sleep deprived, I start to get extra moody and hormonal and start walking towards “my dark place.” So that made this week extra special.

Then it happened.

I took all 4 cranky boys to the pediatrician’s office to check to see if a double ear infection was the root of #3’s sleeping problems (per the doctor’s request). It wasn’t. Dammit, I was really looking for an easy solution! Anywho, picture a room about the size of a queen size bed. Maybe smaller. Now picture 1 doctor, 1 resident, 1 stroller (with baby), one mommy, three kids, a doctors table and a wall of cabinets. Now picture the free space. Right. There is none. We are snug as bugs in this room. And yes, I am claustrophobic. And yes, the baby is screaming (his teeth hurt?!), #3 is screaming “no shots, no shots” and #1 and #2 are bickering over who gets what color marker. It was such a lovely family bonding moment. Ha. Hardly.

Before Challenge, B.C., I would have broken into a sweat trying to keep the peace so that (1) I could look like a pulled together, terrific mom who doesn’t snap and (2) so that I could focus on what the doctor had to say. Instead of my normal I’m-at-the-doctor-and-the-room-is-too-small-and-you-kids-are-driving-me-nuts-nasty snap, I just laughed. I took one look around the room and thought to myself “This is f*****g nuts. I have four kids under 5. I bring my own circus wherever I go. God help me.”  And the sweat never came. It was so odd. I totally surprised myself.

But it was JUST what the doctor ordered.

It reminded that I AM changing, that I AM becoming a calmer person, a person who doesn’t YELL at her kids when she is stressed.  And boy did I need that reminder. I needed my groove back. I needed to feel good about myself, about this Challenge. I needed to know that all of my hard work means something.

I needed to feel empowered and invigorated again, because although I made it through the last few days not yelling, they were not so graceful. I had too many “oopsie snaps” and even occasionally flirted with the idea of “The Nasty Snap” much more than I care to admit. And while I didn’t break any Challenge Rules that I set forth for myself, I did realize one thing this past week:

Not yelling is great, but if it is replaced with lots of snapping, even if unintentional, that’s not so great.

“Oopsie snaps” are a reflection of my being not as patient, not as engaged, not as empathetic as I wish. I wish to be all those things because when I am, it means I am being more loving. Period. I started this challenge because I wanted to stop yelling. But why stop yelling? Because I felt awful every time I did. But why? Was it guilt? Was it embarrassment? Was it disappointment in myself? No, it was love. I love my boys immensely. I fell in love with them the minute I knew they were growing inside of me…and I fell even harder the minute I held them in my arms.

But my yelling, it was hurting their feelings, it was scaring them, it was shaming them. It was everything BUT loving them. And quite frankly, lots of snapping, well after a while, it isn’t loving them either.

So as I think about it, really, my commitment to do The Orange Rhino Challenge, to Not Yell for 365 days, it’s not just about changing the volume of my voice or changing my tone. It’s deeper than that. It’s about changing my entire momma attitude. It’s about being more patient, more engaged, more empathetic…more loving. Lucky for me, as I really hope to conquer this challenge, I have a feeling that if I yell less, I will love more. And If I am more patient, engaged, and empathetic…I will yell less. So whatever I chose to work on, I’ll win. I’ll love more. And at the end of the day, that is what is at the HEART of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Loving more.

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23 days down, 342 to go!

Dear Leap Day,
You came and I was so busy being cranky that I missed celebrating you! But as I write today, a day later, I thank you for reminding me of something. This project of mine, the not yelling for 365 days and blogging about it hoping someone wants to read it, it’s a leap of faith. Leap Year comes every four years. This opportunity however, to work on something that I am passionate about and truly believe in, comes once. And I have to seize it. Not just for me, but for my kids. So, sorry I missed you this go around but hopefully next time I do see you I still won’t be yelling!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I have to have more faith in myself that I can do this. That I can blog and share my feelings and not worry about what people think because really, that is what my problem is today. That is what is holding me back from writing what is on my find. This Challenge, it is more than about not yelling. It is about discovering if I want to remain a dedicated SAHM or if I want to go back to work part time. It is about learning to share my feelings without spending hours worrying what people think…it is about getting a thicker skin like a Rhino! It is about learning to persevere, even when I want to quit because I think I am going to fail. It is about learning to set time limits for myself – and focusing on what is important to me. It is about being honest with myself about all of these things even if I don’t like the answers.

I have to take the leap of Faith that these questions will resolve themselves. But only if I keep with it. I’ll be honest, I want to quit. For all the reasons above. Do I want to start yelling again? No, I don’t. Do I want to stop writing? No, I don’t it truly is helping me. Everytime I start writing, I learn something new about myself and why I yell. And I go to bed with some weight lifted. Do I want to stop sharing? Yes and No. Yes, because I worry what people think. If they like what I wrote, if they shared it with friends or not. But no, I don’t want to stop sharing, because I feel a community growing. A wonderful community of honesty, kindness, and support and it feels great to be a part of it.

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22 days down, 343 to go!

Dear Orange Rhino Readers,
In honor of Leap Day, I took a day off from blogging. Instead, I thought I would share one of my original posts written before I decided to go “live” and share my thoughts with the world. I am glad I pulled it up – I needed to be reminded of one of my first Orange Rhino Revelations: Self Awareness as to why I yell is Step 1 towards my success.

happy reading (and laughing at how Day 2, Take 2 malfunctioned),
The Orange Rhino

*
February 2, 2012

Day 2, Take 2

Dear Self Awareness,
You are what I need to help get me through this Challenge. If I can just figure out why I yell, what my triggers are, then maybe I’ll be able to stop! So please, come fill my head with lots of deep thoughts and insights and more so, the ability to admit to myself the truth about why I yell.

See you very soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I should not be writing right now but if I don’t, I’m going to lose it. The baby is sick and had me up all night (again!) so I’m tired. Which means one thing. It is only 6 am and the boys already have the upper hand! My oldest two woke before their “yellow suns” and started playing at 6 – instead of staying in rooms quietly until 630. Now, at first blush you say wow that’s great  – they played together and you got to stay in bed an extra half hour. Yes this is all very true and very much a miracle. But when they are cooped up together for that long – even if willingly – my 5 yr old gets all keyed up and inevitably will start picking on his brother.

Sure enough … ”#2 is a baby butt, #2 is a baby butt #2 is a baby butt.” #2 comes running in bawling. Cue baby to start crying and 2 year old to start banging obnoxiously on his door to come get him all at the same time. Ah the beautiful symphony of noises that fills my home so early in the morning. And now you know why I set my alarm and try to get up before them. So that I can be PREPARED for the onslaught.

So today, instead of yelling I picked up my computer and starting typing the frustration out hoping that it would calm my nerves down and bring me some relief. Anything. Bring me anything just so that I don’t scream!

Enter #1 and #2. “Mommy, Mommy you have to come see #2’s poop! It’s so cool looking.”

And all is well with the world. Poops are cool and now the baby is laughing at himself. Nothing like a good laugh to re-set my stay-cool button.

*

Um yeah, that was an EPIC FAIL. My stay-cool button must have malfunctioned because not 2 minutes later I kissed Day 2, Take 2 of not yelling good-bye! Shortly after pressing “Save” it donned on me that it was TOO Quiet. Rule of Thumb: If you have 4 boys under 5, or maybe just any number of kids, period, if it is TOO quiet, be afraid. Be very very afraid.

I anxiously walked out of my room. Lo and behold…there were SOAP SUDS EVERYWHERE! My oldest two, who were supposed to be brushing their teeth, were actually cleaning the sink and counter with hand soap which we all know, gets nice and sudsy and goes everywhere when you use the whole gosh darn bottle. Lovely. Just lovely.  Before I knew it, I had snapped. Rather loudly. “What the heck happened? Who made this mess? Who’s going to clean it up?” And then came the Roar. “Get in here NOW!!!!!” This was definitely a Level 5 Snap turned Level 6 Yell. #1’s hysterical response amid tears:

“But mommy, we were just doing our morning chores.”

I’ve taught them to wipe down the counter after brushing their teeth and that is exactly what they were doing. Wiping down the counter. Helping ME. How did I show my appreciation? My excitement for them taking initiative? I snapped at them. As #3 would say, “not nice!” As I would say, not cool and totally unnecessary.

ORANGE RHINO REVELATION: I snapped at them for so called “bad behavior” before even stopping to realize that they were JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD, trying to surprise me by pleasing me.

It seems I have a nasty little habit of seeing something the kids are doing that is good in nature but an inconvenience to me and yelling at them for it. This morning it was the soap suds.  At dinner I yelled at #2 for taking the milk out because I was afraid he’d spill it. He of course said “but mommy, I am just trying to help you.” Sigh. Then at bedtime, I snapped at #3 for taking off the baby’s diaper because I was certain he would feel the fresh air and pee everywhere – which of course he did. #3 then cried and said “baby bath.” Sigh. He just wanted his brother to go in the bath with him…..

Forget my “stay-cool” button, where is my STOP button? The one that helps me stop, survey the scene, ask questions and then talk not yell? Can I get one at Staples? Is it next to the Easy button?

This should read "Emergency. STOP. Think before Yelling. Chances are, it's unnecessary." Where can I get one? Can I hardwire it to my brain?!!

No seriously though, if I had just stopped for a mere second in these situations and realized the goodness that was going on, instead of charging, it could have been an awesome moment.

So now I am back to 0. AGAIN. How is it that I went 8 straight days and now I can’t go 36 hours? And let me tell you, those 8 days. They were fantastic. I felt invigorated. I felt empowered. I felt proud. I felt gosh darn good. I need to get back on track ASAP.

Enter my imaginary Orange Rhino friends. Where art thou? I need you! This blog is my place to record my success and struggles and hopefully find the support to change this habit for life. So please non-existent Orange Rhino friends, find me and help me keep my stay-cool button functioning!

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