124 days down, 241 to go!

Dear Vacation sans kids,

You were great. I miss you. But I missed my boys more. And I am glad to be home. Even if re-entry into Mommyland was brutal (ie, so challenging that I almost kissed 123 days bye-bye.) Who knew that 4 boys could make 3 days of feeling calm disappear so quickly?

See you soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I was gone from my darling four boys for 64 hours.

It took about 12 hours for me to feel relaxed, to feel like I was on vacation, to not look at my watch to see if it was someone’s nap time or if it was time to get ready for dinner.

It took a mere 5 hours of the boys being awake the morning after my late night return for all the stress and exhaustion that had seeped away to re-enter my body.  At FULL force.

WHAM!

Welcome home mommy! Mommy I need you to wipe my butt. Mommy I need water. Mommy he touched my face. Mommy I don’t know what I want so I am going to whine. Mommy my teeth are coming in so I am going to cry. A lot. Mommy, mommy, mommy!!!

Where were the I love you’s? The I miss you’s? The hugs and kisses? Oh I got them. Big time. And that was the greatest moment EVER.

But it only lasted for minutes. Minutes I say. And than BAM. It was time to be mommy again. No more kicking my feet up having deep conversations with my hubby over a strawberry daiquiri. No more taking a two hour nap. No more sleeping in, until, get this 6:30 am. GASP. Nope. It was time to be Mommy again. I was back in Mommyland where one doesn’t just love their kids but has to also care for them, a wonderful yet hard at times, task.

Don’t get me wrong. I was THRILLED to be home. I AM thrilled to be home. Gosh, I missed my boys so much. Every time I called and spoke to them I wanted to go home to hear their laugh, to watch them make silly faces, to get their hugs. But being away was good for ALL of us. It was good for my boys and me – we never get a real break, I think this made us appreciate each other more. It was good for my husband and me – we needed some connecting time, big time. All in all it was a great escape, hard to be away, but worthwhile. I truly chilled out for the first time in oh, 24 months or so?

As I re-entered Mommyland I promised myself that I would keep my “vacation” mindset on. That I would not let the stress of parenting suck me in right away. That I would at least wait a day, hopefully more before I became a twit about clutter, things to do for the kids, things to do for me, doctors appointments to make.

Wishful thinking. 1 day? As if.

I don’t know what put me over the edge. What made my “vacation self” disappear. All I know is that one moment I was calm and next minute, Holy Sh*t!! I wanted to scream at everyone! At everything that moved. Everyone wanted me. Everyone was yelling. I was tired and to make matters “worse,” darnit, I couldn’t yell and that one piece was kicking my a*s.

And that is when I remembered how I felt when I started The Orange Rhino Challenge. OVERWHELMED. Exhausted. Infuriated. It. Is. HARD. Hard. Hard not to yell. Just being away for three days of peace and quiet made my home life feel like someonewas taking a hammer to my head. All the chaos. All the yelling. All the needs pounding me left and right. It is A LOT to take in. And not being able to yell to stop the pounding? It is blooming hard work. And so is parenting. I guess I had kind of forgotten that while I was away. And coming back to it all made me want to scream “JUST BACK OFF! Give mommy one second to breathe. PLEASE!”

But I didn’t.

Instead all day long I had silent conversations with myself.

“Don’t yell, you don’t want to yell.”
“Don’t yell, you aren’t mad at the kids, you are just tired.”
“Don’t yell, you are just stressed because of the laundry that awaits and the bag to unpack.”
“Don’t yell, it is just cookie crumbs.”

The list could go on and on. Every second, okay maybe not every second, but maybe every 10 minutes? I was telling myself another reason not to yell. Between the literal noise outside my head, and the constant racket inside my head, I was ready to explode.

I got very close. Numerous times. And when that happened I just used my new catch phrase “Mommy is very frustrated. I do not want to yell. I do not want to start again. Please help me.” I am not sure it helped changed their behavior at the moment (I was TOO tired from sleeping on the couch to notice a thing!) but I do know it kept my behavior in line. Phew.

When I zonked into bed that night, more liked passed out, I was really perturbed. How could I miss these kids so much, how can I love them so much, and then within hours of being home I want to yell at them? Didn’t I become a more loving, peaceful, and empathetic person these last 120 days plus? What happened? Did the new me just vanish after 3 days of a break? Will it come back? WTF?

Thankfully, oh so thankfully, the answer is YES. The new me did NOT disappear. All my hard work was not lost. I have changed habits (I think) and this change will not go away. I just had a challenging day. IT HAPPENS. But after a good night’s sleep in my own bed, and a mental pep talk that I knew that the first day back would be brutal, I started Sunday on a much better note. How do I know? Well when I stepped out of bed onto a huge pile of Legos that someone had left behind at 5 am? I didn’t yell.

119 days down, a lot to go!

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for letting me post my 1000 blog Monday night! I really thought you were going to tell me to take a hike, that it was too long but alas, you accepted it. You helped proved me point – if there is a will, there is a way.

So glad you are my friend,
The Orange Rhino

So today I started writing a post about Weight Loss. Believe it or not it has A LOT to do with learning to not yell. A lot. The parallels are frightening actually. And it is something on my mind right now. One of my personal triggers to yelling is feeling crappy about my weight. Huh? Well if I feel overweight my clothes feel tight. When my clothes feel tight I pull at them all day. When I pull at my clothes I am reminded that they are tight because I gained weight. When I remember that I gained weight I immediately feel disappointed in myself for gaining weight. Then my self-confidence takes a hit and I become so pre-occupied with feeling crappy that everything pisses me off. And well right now, my clothes are REALLY tight and I REALLY want to yell. Both at the kids and myself. And I don’t want to yell nice things. I want to yell mean things especially to myself:

“Why can’t you get it together?!”
“Why can’t you find self control?”
“Why can’t you stay focused, stay determined?”
“Why do you keep quitting?”
“Don’t you want to do this? Isn’t it important to you??”

Wait, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell?!

After this chit chat, a new conversation with myself starts…

“That’s it. Today is the day. I am taking the Weight Watchers calculator back out and I am tracking what I eat. And I am going to lose this weight come hell or high water. “

And so I try again. To find focus, determination, will power, strength. Because starting the day by getting out of the shower to feel the jiggle of my thighs followed by seeing the ripples in the mirror is so NOT the way to start the day. I like to start the day feeling confident in myself, not disappointed in myself.

Everyday since January I make it about ¾ of the way through the day doing great with my points and then I want to eat crappy food…and I do.

Why?

Well it tastes good and it seems to take the stress away. It seems to wake me up from my sleep deprived state. It seems to make me feel happy if I am feeling preoccupied at that moment. But it only is good for about 20 minutes. Then BAM! The crappy food makes me feel crappy inside.  And the cycle starts again:

Why can’t I do this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop eating crappy?

And then the vicious cycle kicks in.

I feel crappy that I lost my self control.

So I eat.

Then I feel crappy even more so.

So I eat some more.

Then I think well, since I can’t seem to get it together, since I can’t find control, I might as well not try. Screw it. I’ll eat crappy the rest of the day and start again first thing tomorrow morning.

Well of course all this thinking just makes me feel crappier and crappier by the day to the point where my self confidence has now taken such a hit from the mental feeling disappointed in myself attack that now I don’t even want to try to lose weight because I have 1) gained more than the original 10 pounds I was trying to lose and 2) because it feels like an even bigger battle that I fear I can’t conquer.

BUT OF COURSE this is bullshit. I do want to lose weight. I am just frustrated because it is HARD work. Because it takes constant effort, because it takes patience, because it doesn’t give immediate results.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell???

Anywho, I asked my husband the other day why can’t I lose the weight this time? Why was I able to find the motivation, the drive, the self control, the strength after college, after the other three pregnancies but not this one? What is wrong with me? I know I am older, but still. What gives?

His answer?

It isn’t a priority. Losing weight isn’t a priority for you right now. Your weight might not be where you want it, but it isn’t horrific. So it bothers you but not enough to motivate you to make it a priority. And besides, because you are older it takes more work to lose the weight so you aren’t getting immediate results which kills your motivation. And besides, because you have 4 kids not 3, you are busier and getting to the gym is harder, taking long family walks, is harder, getting the sleep you need, is harder. So even if it WAS a priority it still would be harder than before.

Harumph. He is kind of right. It isn’t a priority because I am not letting it be. But to me, it is a priority I am just too frustrated to make it a real one. I am too frustrated to try. The problem with that mentality? It takes me no where good fast.  I’ve been there before. In college I gave up and gained 50 pounds. I quit because it was easier than trying. I had a bad day? Who cares? What difference does it make at this point, I’ve already gained 40 pounds, give me 3 scoops of ice cream.

It took me meeting my husband after college and thinking, “I want a family with this guy, I want to run around and play with our kids in the backyard and I can’t at this weight” to realize, crap, I need to change. It took me getting caught yelling at my four boys to realize, crap, I need to change. Why do I always let things get out of control before I make a change?

Not this time. I am writing this blog tonight to say to myself. ENOUGH. STOP THE CYCLE. Stop it now. You can do this Orange Rhino. You CAN make the tough choices. Because it is important to you. Because your kids are important to you.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning not to yell?

114 days down, 251 to go!

Dear Galen,

You asked such a simple question and I want to give you a simple answer. But there isn’t one. I mean there is, but at the same time there isn’t. So I have done my best to say what I want to say but as it is complicated and I am sleep deprived, I am not sure I have done a good job. I’ll let you decide.

Cheers!

The Orange Rhino

*

So, now that I have gone 114 days without yelling at my kids, can I say that their behavior is better? Drumroll Please.

The answer? Yes and No.

Why No?

They still kick each other, throw food, refuse to clean their rooms, yell at each other, spit and hit. Awesome. And they still don’t always listen to simple requests to do something or to stop doing something for that matter.  Double awesome. Oh the list goes on and on of all the behavior that I wish would magically disappear. But it ain’t going anywhere soon. My boys are kids. No matter how great I parent, they are still going to have their moments, their days. Heck, I have my moments and my days no matter how great they behave. Let’s face it, none of us, kids or adults, are perfect (darnit)!

Was this not the answer you were hoping for? How about this then.

YES! Both in Perception and in Reality.

The REALITY is that while the not-so-desirable behavior still exists, when it does appear it lasts for a shorter amount of time. Why? Because I am no longer encouraging the behavior. Yes, I was unintentionally encouraging the behavior.

When I used to yell at my boys, it did anything but stop the behavior. It just added fuel to the fire. My yelling often made them so angry and hurt that they wouldn’t (couldn’t?)  listen to me. The “annoying” behavior either continued or was just traded in for another, normally much more annoying behavior. You yelled at me for jumping on your bed? Okay, I’ll stop that and start running around your bedroom screaming instead. You yelled at me for dumping my legos on the floor? Okay, I’ll leave them there and just dump out another bucket of toys. Why did they just change one bad behavior for another? Because when I yelled, I wasn’t actively trying to stop the behavior. I was just HOPING that yelling would stop it.

And it didn’t.  Sure after a while my yelling would get nasty enough stop the “bad” behavior chain reaction but only to then be replaced with a screaming fit about how mean I am and how much I hurt their feelings. So while technically the yelling stopped bad behavior, it just created a new situation to solve. A much WORSE situation.

Simply put, yelling was totally unproductive but oh so easy. It was so easy to sit back and yell; much easier than actually stopping and thinking to myself why are they acting this way? Are they mad at something? Are they hungry? Sad? Moody? What can I do to help them calm down, to engage in better behavior?

Instead of being proactive and trying to understand the behavior so that I could HELP my boys, I just thought to myself, ugh, this behavior sucks and then I yelled at them. No wonder the behavior got worse when I yelled. Not only did I make them feel crappy but I wasn’t always (never?) addressing the real problem!  Remove the yelling and I am forced to be proactive (or keep letting them misbehave and make my life miserable). Hmmmm, tough call.

YES, it is MUCH much harder to stop and figure out the root of their behavior and YES it takes more time up front but the desired result of ending the bad behavior comes much faster because we actually address (and fix if possible) the REAL problem.

Why are you jumping on my bed? Oh, because you are bored? Great, let’s do a puzzle. Why did you dump your legos out? Oh, you couldn’t find the right red one? Great, let me help you find it. Why are you throwing toys? Oh, because you wish daddy was home? Great, let me give you a big hug and snuggle.

And YES sometimes I realize that the answer to why the bad behavior is oh, you are acting that way just because? Just because you too, like me, are human and sometimes have an off day? GREAT, I get it! I have those days too! And yes sometimes there is no answer and I just have to remember that my boys are JUST KIDS. Both these realizations, and understanding the root of the behavior, shorten the tantrum because it makes me more empathetic, more loving, less annoyed. And the minute I show love and compassion and not frustration, the tantrum starts to slow down. 

So YES all in all their behavior is better because the less desirable behavior is shorter lived. And that is a welcomed improvement.

And by the way, even if the behavior in Reality wasn’t better I would still tell you that it is. Not just to make you not give up on the challenge (hahaha) but because I do truly PERCEIVE it to be better.

Why? Because after 114 days of working to understand my boys behavior, I am now more accepting of it. I am simply more tolerant of it, it doesn’t make my blood boil (as much) and I don’t want to scream (as much). To be clear, I don’t like the bad behavior, and I certainly DON’T condone it, but I am no longer as frustrated by it. I attribute this to the fact that not only do I understand them better, that I am more empathetic, but also because I truly am calmer. Because I am not getting myself all extra worked up when they are in a moment of sheer utterly annoying behavior and are acting out, it doesn’t feel as bad because I don’t feel as bad. Because I know that I am capable of working with them to settle down. Because I know that yelling doesn’t work.  Because I know that loving them more does.

Hello! To all my readers not on Facebook I wanted to share this link with you:

http://mommybabyspot.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/one-moms-story-of-discovering-happiness/

This is my story about my (not) Breastfeeding experience and the incredibly painful emotions I felt as a result of my struggle. While this blog post is directly about breastfeeding, it really is about so much more. Have a read…the take away can actually be applied to not yelling too. If I’m not happy then I am much more apt to yell and my kiddos are not much more apt, but guaranteed to be not happy! Thanks for reading and thanks Mommy Baby Spot for letting me guest blog and tell me story. It’s been weighing on my chest for 5.5 years and just sharing it makes me feel happier!

Happy mom, Happy Baby!

Zonked after trying so hard to breastfeed...

101 days of not yelling, 264 days of LOVING MORE to go…

Dear Disney,

Congratulations! You created such a smashing move in 101 Dalmations that whenever I hear the number 101, I think of all those cute puppies. And then often times I think of Cruella De Vil. The mean, awful wretch of a woman who didn’t just scare the puppies, but who scared the bejeezers out of me as a child. She was intimidating, angry, scary, rude and so much more. I couldn’t fully watch 101 Dalmations until I outgrew my fear of her. Which took a while. And she wasn’t even real, but oh was she nasty! Now that I am older, she doesn’t scare me, instead she scares my children. And not because they have seen the movie. But because I have acted like her. A lot. A lot more than I like to admit.  While I used to do a phenomenal impersonation of Cruella’s nasty voice, please don’t ever call me for a voice over. I’d rather never use that voice again.

Thanks for understanding,
The Orange Rhino

*

I haven’t thought about Cruella in ages. But now that I am doing this Challenge, now that I am on 101 days of not yelling, the imagery of Cruella De Vil has come back.

Huh? What is the connection? Isn’t The Orange Rhino Challenge about loving more? Yes it is. Stay with me. This is how my brain works: 101 Days à 101 Dalmations à Cruella à She was so mean and scary à Wow. That is HOW I used to be when I entered the Level 6 and Level 7 Yelling Zones.  Mean and Scary. Mean and Scary sounding. Mean and Scary looking. Just admitting I was that way sounds as ugly as Cruella looks.

Um, pretty certain I've looked just like that. Pointing finger and all.

And it sounds even uglier when my kids used to say it to me after I yelled.

“Mommy, stop yelling at us, you’re so mean.”

“Mommy, stop yelling, you scared me.”

“Mommy, I don’t love you anymore. You hurt my feelings.”

And the best one liner from my wonderfully perceptive 5 year old:

“Mommy, you don’t yell at people you love.”

Ugh. Thankfully I am now on 101 days of Not Yelling, of loving more, and thankfully these sayings from my children have ceased. (But have no fear, I am still sometimes told that they don’t love me anymore. You know, because I didn’t let them have three scoops of ice cream. For breakfast.)

And to be clear, lest you think I was a total Villain, I was not as horrific as Cruella (and neither are any of you!) She just comes to mind because I too was angry, intimidating, rude and scary when I yelled AND because I read on Wikipedia or something like that, that “Cruella is not a schemer. Instead, she acts purely on impulse and is thus prone to reckless behavior” and that was SO me.

I struggled with finding the impulse control to not yell. Yelling is SO easy. When I was tired, frustrated, moody, lonely, overwhelmed, fill in the blank…my impulse control went right out the window and reckless behavior, in terms of yelling/screaming came right in, without missing a beat. It never even knocked as a warning. It just came right in, unannounced. How rude!

Hello!!! I'm here! Mrs. Reckless behavior, ready to yell and be nasty. Hahahahaha!

Learning to control my impulses truly couldn’t come at a better time.

You see learning not to yell is more than just learning not to be scary, not to be mean, not to be rude. It’s more than just learning to be more patient, more calm, more understanding. It’s about teaching too, like teaching my kids about impulse control.

And right now, my kids really need me to be a better teacher, a better example, because they are all at the age where impulse control is hard as can be. Just today #2 pushed another kid at school. 75% accident. 25% not. The note from the teacher read:

“….impulse control has improved although has not been perfected.”

Hmmmm…seems like I am not the only one working at impulse control.

We are ALL works in progress. Even my kiddos.

I often forget that. I used to forget that A LOT and I think it was a big reason for my Cruella tendencies. Because I expected too much. I expected my KIDS to have perfect behavior an awful lot and when they didn’t, hellooooooo Cruella. “Get off that couch! Clean up your room now! Do what I asked you to do 5 times already!!!”

So on this 101st day I remember Cruella. I remember that I don’t want to be like her anymore. Because she is scary and mean and I want to be calm and loving…even when mad. You know, like a Fairy Godmother.

Bippity, Boppity, Boo! The laundry is done, the house is clean, the to-do is complete, the children are singing kumbaya, nothing to make me yell.

I mean an Orange Rhino…obviously!

As loving and calm as a Fairy Godmother, but more determined and strong, in a good way!

97 days down, 268 to go!

Dear #2,

I swear. I didn’t mean to snap at you today.  It’s just that well, I am exhausted. Despite all my efforts to get some rest, to get some resemblance of energy back, I am wiped. I took a two hour nap yesterday and got 8 hours of sleep last night. I ate all my protein and vegetables today and even drank extra water. Oh, and I went for two walks to “revive” myself. Yet here I am exhausted and snappy. I’m doing my best to be nicer to you and your brothers, to be more patient. I promise.

I love you,
Mommy Orange Rhino

*

Ugh. Parental Exhaustion. I don’t need to tell you that raising kids is physically and mentally exhausting. The not sleeping through the night, or the sleeping through but being woken at 5 am. The going up and down stair to get dry clothes because milk “accidentally” spilled. The holding a teething baby all day. The going to and from appointments all day. The being on my feet all day making meals, cleaning up meals, making meals again. The physically breaking up fights over who gets what train.

And then there is the mentally exhausting part. The non-stop worrying about whether or not my child is normal. The non-stop thinking about how I can better help my son. The non-stop talking to myself to NOT YELL. The non-stop talking to MY BOYS to not yell. The non-stop re-directing of their not so good behavior to better behavior. It’s all exhausting. And lately, it’s taking a toll.

The combination of physical and mental parental exhaustion is squashing my ability to handle my darling four energetic, loud, loving boys with as much poise and grace as I wish. Sure, I didn’t yell today and that makes me happy. And yes, I only snapped and it was luckily a level 4 but still. That snap made me feel awful.

Here’s the Scene.

Party City at 11:35 am approximately 25 minutes before lunch time. Three children have just had two chicken nuggets each as their stomachs were growling in the car and I knew that DESPITE the snacks they had at 10:30 that they were not going to make it to 12:15 peacefully. So we hit Wendy’s drive-thru. Nuggets for them, super duper extra large as can be Diet Coke for myself.

Not five minutes into Party City #2 starts in. “I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry”

Me: “No you’re not.” I snapped and then luckily caught myself before a tirade started. I continued calmer,

“You just had a snack. And you had a snack an hour ago. You can wait 30 minutes.”

#2: “No, I am REALLY really hungry.” His voice is getting louder and shriller, enough so that people are looking and #1 is starting to cover his ears.

I purposely ignore him and continue looking at baby shower favors because I am finding it uber important to pick the perfect pink container, and quite frankly not only do I not want to be bothered, but also I don’t believe him. #2 is known for crying wolf when it comes to being hungry. Plus, I’m also ignoring him because we are trying hard to not cave into his whining, which is his preferred method of communication.

But finally, something in his voice sounded serious. Like I needed to stop being pre-occupied with my errand and focus on my son. You know that urgency you hear in a child’s voice right before he is going to throw up? Or the one where he is about to pee in his pants, in the middle of Target? The one that makes you stop everything and RUN?! That is what his voice sounded like.

I turned around. Oh my poor, sweet thing.

He was RED and I mean RED in the face. He was clenching his fists, clenching his teeth and trying so hard not to scream, not to have a tantrum. His eyes were full of tears and more were spilling down his hot cheeks. Here he had been trying so hard to communicate to me what he needed and how did I reward his behavior?I snapped at him which I am pretty sure ignited the very angry, very exasperated RED face.

Oh sh*t I thought to myself, I’m a schmuck. I didn’t snap bad but still, I snapped unnecessarily. I mean look at that face. So upset. So sweet. So loveable. So not deserving of my snapping because of MY exhaustion. Only deserving of my patience and love.

I scooped him up and gave him a huge hug.

“I’m sorry sweetie. You really are hungry, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I was trying nicely to tell you but you wouldn’t listen.” Sob, sob.

Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Just awful.

And I blame my exhaustion. Truly. I don’t blame him for whining. That isn’t what made me snap. Sure, it irritated me, but it didn’t make me snap. I let myself snap. I am simply 110% completely wiped out, physically and mentally, and as a result am snapping more and having to work twice as hard not to yell which of course makes me even more wiped out which makes me snap more. Sigh. It’s a vicious cycle.

And one of the first things I learned on this challenge is that when I am wiped, all bets are off. I have less self control, I am more impatient, more easily annoyed, more of everything but more loving. So I have been making the choice to put some things on the back burner (like blogging and folding laundry) so that I can relax at night and go to bed earlier, all so that I can be a more pleasant parent tomorrow, you know, all so that I can be an Orange Rhino. Lets hope my plan works because this exhausted state of mine? It needs to improve, like, yesterday.

92 days down, 273 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I am doing something entirely new tonight. Normally, I write a blog post, read it a few times, try to edit it, and then I post it with hopes that someone will read it. Tonight, I have stared at my Microsoft Word blank screen for nearly an hour now. I have so much I want to write about. So many emotions that I want to share. So many insights I want to share. So many struggles that I want to share…that I am paralyzed. Paralyzed with fear that what I write won’t sound right. Paralyzed with fear that what I write WILL sound right and that I won’t want to read what I wrote. So tonight, there is no Microsoft Word. Tonight I am treating this blog as it should be, a dear diary. I am writing completely off the cuff. Whatever comes out, comes out. Let’s just hope it is decent.

…
The Orange Rhino

*
Dear Diary,

Tonight during the “Time to Toot Your Rhino Horn” on Facebook two people spoke about wanting to cry. Well, I share that sentiment. I don’t know why but this week, I just can’t get my mojo going and I too just want to cry. It’s too much. It’s so much. My to-do list is never ending. I know that I am supposed to prioritize and focus on the most important items, but what do you do when it is all important? How do you decide then?

Any to-do having to do with my children is important. Any to-do having to do with keeping me happy so that I can be a happy mom, is important. Any to-do having to do with my friends and family, the ones who support me and love me, is important.

So here I am. With a to-do list of all important things, doing nothing. Because I suck at prioritizing. Is it that, or is that it is hard to prioritize friends, family, children and one self? Or is it that there truly aren’t enough hours in the day, no matter how good one is at prioritizing? I don’t know. I just know that right now, this week, I am so overwhelmed that I am walking around in circles, doing nothing which obviously isn’t helping the matter. And well, it’s not that I am doing nothing. It’s just that my days are so FULL that there is little time to get to anything BUT the basics. Like taking care of the kids. Like getting them to Speech and OT. Like keeping them from pummeling each other. Like changing diapers. Like keeping #4 from flying down the two stairs from the kitchen to the family room now that he is crawling.

My day is full of the basics. And I need to accept that. I need to learn to accept that if I just survive a day in the life of raising my boys, then the to-do list can wait.

But is that true? What about all the guilt I feel about the friends who I cannot seem to get around to emailing? The friendships that I know I have lost as a result of deciding to have a large family which keeps me so busy?

And what about me? It is important to me to exercise. It keeps me from yelling. It keeps me feeling good about myself. Do I just stop exercising to make more time for the other things, the 75% of the items on the to-do list have to do with doing things for the people I love? How do I chose one over the other? How do I say, #3 is more important than #4?

I know it is feasible to figure it out but I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want to have to prioritize. I want to be able to do it all. 

Again, when everything is important, how do you decide what goes first? Simply put, I have to choose between my husband, myself, #1, #2, #3, #4, friends, and family. I hate having to choose. Because all these people matter to me. And right now, I feel like all these people are getting short changed.

My husband, also a lover of inspirational quotes (I think that is what brought us together), shared this quote with me from a book about I don’t know what. Better time management?

“don’t schedule your to-dos, schedule your priorities.”

Powerful idea, but again, how do I choose between all the people I love, who are ALL my priority, when the day is so short? Because there isn’t enough time in the day. And there never will be.

Well, I guess that is one benefit of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Not yelling impacts everyone. I don’t have to choose.

My husband, #1, #2, #3, #4, and I, we all win, we all benefit from my not yelling. And that is why this challenge is my #1 priority. It makes me a better mom, which in turn makes me kids happier, which in turn makes our days somewhat easier, which in turn makes me happier, which means I am a better wife, which means I feel better about myself, which in turn gives me the strength to not yell.

It’s a cycle. Not yelling at my kids sets off a cycle of goodness that goes all around. Here’s hoping I stay on this path…and here’s hoping that now that I have figured out priority #1 in my life right now, that I can figure out 2-10!

80 days down, 285 to go!

(Okay, totally jumping the gun here, I still have hours to go BUT what the heck, if I can handle a physical ailment flair-up this week and still not yell (when I normally would have SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER 2-3x a day, on a good day), then I can go 60 more minutes of not yelling! P.S. Wrote this last night but it wouldn’t post. Let’s hope it goes up right now!)

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I wanted to share with you what I did last tonight, what took 90+ minutes to do but should have taken about 5. As a result I didn’t get to write the post I have wanted to write all week. I am *hoping* the tradeoff is worth it, for ALL of us. Everyone, please keep your fingers and toes and whatever else you can crossed.

One of our fellow Orange Rhinos shared an article with me titled “Discipline without Screaming” published in Parents Magazine last month. (I’ve scanned the article and shared it below).

As an article I enjoyed it. But it didn’t blow me away. Did it remind me of all the negative effects of yelling at my kids? Absolutely. Did it therefore remind me, and reinforce to me, why I started The Orange Rhino Challenge in the first place? Absolutely. Did it give me some new ideas to try to keep from yelling? Absolutely. Did it reaffirm my personal learning that I can’t just blame my kids, that I need to be in control “of my emotions in the moment”? Absolutely. Did it comfort me to read that 89% of Americans say they yell? HECK YEAH! So nice to know we are all truly not alone. Did it inspire me to keep going with The Orange Rhino Challenge even though I want to quit? Double Heck Yeah.

BUT, what would have really inspired me, or really helped me more, would be to read about what REAL MOMS are doing to discipline without screaming. It is great to read what the experts suggest, but do they have kids? Do they know it works? Who knows.

What I do know is that The Orange Rhino Community DOES KNOW what works.

And that is why I love OUR little community that is growing. We are real. We are honest. We are the ones in the trenches figuring it out together. We are willing to admit the good, the bad, and the really ugly. And by sharing it with each other, with STRANGERS, we are helping each other. We are collectively responsible for making lots of little kiddos lives better. Which is just plain awesome.

I like to think of us as the Erin Brokovich’s of Not Yelling. People liked her because she wasn’t an attorney, she wasn’t an expert. She was just someone who cared and wanted to make a difference. That is what we are. None of us (at least that I know of) are experts on this matter, this not yelling at our kids. We are experts, however, in being honest about wanting to change, wanting to be better mothers/fathers, wanting to make a difference in our children’s lives. What gives us the credibility to talk about not yelling? Because just like Erin not only are we genuine but also we CARE PASSIONATELY about our kiddos. And that is what matters.

So I think WE should be the ones writing the article. We should be the ones sharing the ideas on how to discipline without screaming. Because personally, I think collectively our stories are truly inspiring. Why? Because we aren’t just talking about changing, we are trying to change. We are saying to each other, okay, this is hard, but let’s try anyway, and let’s keep trying even if it is hard and we do slip. BECAUSE IT IS WORTH IT. Our kids deserve our best. Whether that means we don’t yell at all or whether it means we yell 3 times a day instead of 7.

Am I discounting the experts? No. There are some fantastic points in the article about why yelling doesn’t work, what negative impacts it has both on our kids and what we teach them. I am just saying that we are a kick ass community with some great ideas worth sharing.

So tonight I wrote Parents Magazine and told them just that.

And I am really, REALLY, hoping they didn’t just hear me “Toot OUR Rhino Horn” loud and clear, but that they also immediately realized and agreed that we would have something wonderful to share.

Here’s hoping!

*

Here is the article, scanned old school! The last part in the car reminds me of this post I wrote: https://theorangerhino.com/watchout-shes-gonna-blow/. Curious to know, what do you think of the article?