“When times get rough, you can fall back on us”

Posted on November 16, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

282 days without yelling, 83 days of loving more to go!
Favorite Song #4

Dear Peter Gabriel,

I still sing and smile and remember when I was a teenager who dreamed about a boy showing up to her window with a boombox whenever I hear the song “In your eyes” from Say Anything. And now this song made me smile because it reminds me of a strong belief of mine, to not give up. Whatever the challenge, don’t give up…I hadn’t sung this song in ages but my post last night brough it right back. And the words couldn’t be more fitting.

Thank you,
The Orange Rhino

Don’t give up by Peter Gabriel

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
…
Dont give up
cos you have friends (right here Orange Rhinos!)
Dont give up
Youre not beaten yet
Dont give up
I know you can make it good
…
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up
We dont need much of anything
Dont give up
cause somewhere theres a place
Where we belong (it’s right here)

Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Dont give up
Please dont give up
…
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one (you are so not!)
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed (none what so ever)
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are (I am amazed by anyone trying to be a better mother)
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong

Don’t give up…

Posted on November 15, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

281 days without yelling, 84 days of loving more to go!

Dear Self,

Remember a few months ago when you hated your body because those last 12 pounds of baby weight wouldn’t budge and felt it mandatory to stay glued to your thighs, hips, a*s, stomach, face, arms, and well everywhere? And remember how many times you wanted to give up because all your tracking of food and extra exercising seemed to be producing no results? And remember how one day the scale FINALLY showed progress and that pushed you to keep going until all 12 pounds were gone? I tell you this to prove that you can lose those 8 pounds that you gained these last few weeks eating processed carbs and drinking numerous glasses of vino! You can do it!

xoxo,
Yourself (the one tired of hearing you complain that you can’t do it as you shove another bite of ice cream in your mouth).

ARGH! I am stuck, stuck, stuck! I want to lose weight but I can’t seem to move forward. Every morning I say “today is the day! Today is the day that just like that I am going to stop eating crap and starting feeling better about myself.” And then every night comes and as I get in my pajamas and I see my belly shake I say “tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day that I exercise and eat well.”

I’ve been having these chats and trying hard to eat well for two weeks now. And I am making NO progress. The scale isn’t budging and I’m pissed.

Is it good that each day I keep trying? Yes. Is it good that each day after one mistake I say screw it I’ll start again tomorrow and give up? NO. Because not only does that just make it harder, but also there are lots more chances that day to succeed and get back on path.

When I recently lost weight I wanted to give up every single day because I didn’t see any progress. One morning the scale yelled at me ever so rudely “YOU SUCK AT LOSING WEIGHT!” and then my pants yelled at me “STOP EATING SO YOU CAN BUTTON ME AGAIN!” and then my husband said to me as he saw tears come to my eyes, “Don’t give up. Don’t give up.”

And I didn’t because I knew I wanted to change, that I had to keep going because I felt so awful about myself that it was permeating everything and everyone I touched. And what would know? The very next day the scale finally showed me some serious love. And that day I worked even harder because I knew I could do it. And I worked harder the next day and the day after and the day after and then weeks later I was at a weight I have dreamed of for 8 years.

All because I didn’t give up.

Because I didn’t stop trying after one mistake. Because I asked for support from my husband. Because I forgave myself after the extra cookies. Because I stopped putting myself down, telling myself I couldn’t do it, that I sucked. Because after a few pounds of success I believed in myself that I could do it.

Oh wait, am I talking about my challenge with weight loss or the challenge of learning not to yell?

When I started this challenge the counter always yelled at me “You suck, you can’t stop yelling!” and my children yelled at me “STOP yelling, you’re so mean!” and then one day when I wanted to quit because it was so HARD and EXHAUSTING I wrote on The Orange Rhino Facebook wall and you all told me “Don’t give up. Don’t give up.”

And I didn’t. The next moment I wanted to yell I didn’t because I knew I could control myself. And the moment after, and the moment after that. Before I knew it, I had gone days without yelling. 281 days later and I still haven’t yelled…

Because I didn’t stop trying after one bad moment of yelling.
Because I asked for support.
Because I forgave myself when I did yell.
Because I stopped telling myself I would never change.
Because after a few moments of success I believed in myself that I could do it.

And I believe that I can lose weight again.
And I BELIEVE that you can learn to lose your yelling voice.

Ask me for help. Don’t write a day off if you yell. I promise that your kids will give lots of opportunities to try again! Forgive yourself when you do yell. Stop yelling yourself you can’t change. Know that you will have moments of success and that those moments will make you encourage and inspire you to keep going.

I wrote this last night when I was angry that I had done well all day and then blew it when I rammed ice cream down like a champ after the kids went to bed.

BUT this morning I got on the scale. Ironically, it FINALLY showed me that my attempts this week weren’t for naught. That moment of progress inspired me to finally eat a healthy lunch again and finally said no to the extra cookie. Sometimes it just takes one good moment to be propelled to keep trying. But if you don’t try, you might never get that one moment.

Confirmed: my computer is a big ‘ole trigger

Posted on November 14, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

280 days without yelling, 85 days of loving more to go!

Dear Dell,

I hate to inform you but having you back in my life after two weeks has proved to me that that you are indeed, a trigger for my desire to yell. Bummer. I do love you. But I love my kids more so…I think you might need to go or at least go to a new location in my house. Permanently. Sigh. Separation will be hard but we can handle it. I know we can. We have to!

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

Ever since we got power back my kids have been driving me nuts. Which is totally backwards right? One would think that without power – without easy access to TV and heat and food that the kids would have driven me nuts. But that wasn’t the case. Sure we had our moments when they did but as a whole, no, they didn’t bother me as much as I anticipated given all the chaos, uncertainty and um moodiness that I brought to the house. They actually did pretty gosh darn well. I will toot their rhino horns for them!

I keep asking myself why? How? How did I go so long under the circumstances and stay calm (besides the part that I have grown and changed since I started the Challenge and truly have less desire to yell now)? How did my boys go so long and stay so relatively calm? Especially given all their personal triggers?

This morning when I was on the computer AGAIN, and they were “annoying” me, AGAIN, a light bulb went off as to one of the reasons I was able to not yell the last two weeks. (Nice pun, eh?!)

I was completely utterly absorbed in people.com as I thought they were all playing nicely and that I could take a breather after the great cereal debacle of November 14, 2012. Then one kid started poking me asking me innocent questions. Then another started crying. And another started yelling. I turned abruptly from my computer screen and opened my mouth ready to scream “WHAT DO YOU WANT, LEAVE MY ALONE?!”

This is how I looked Monday (if I were blonde and looked like her, anyway) when my computer showed me a black screen. Again. Now if you turned the head away from the screen that is how I have acted for the past few days at least once an hour. sigh.

I was so beyond bothered to have been interrupted (a huge trigger).

I was so beyond bothered that my kids needed me, no WANTED ME. Really? REALLY!!! Writing that makes me cringe. I hadn’t felt that in two weeks and yet this week, since power came back on, I have felt it at least ten times a day. If not more. And I really think my computer is largely to blame.

I was simply more engaged the last two weeks because I didn’t have a computer to run to for a break when I wanted one, or when I wanted to hide from the chaos by searching aimlessly on yahoo.com, people.com and facebook.com. Yes, I need breaks. Breaks are good. But I see now that I took them much too much when my computer was around. Because it was an easy escape.

Without a computer, there was no easy escape. I had no choice but to listen more attentively, to help resolve problems. I couldn’t run from the madness by reading about The Bachelorette Jef and Emily. AND without a computer to entertain me, I had more opportunities to stop and play because what else was there to do? Without a computer I was “forced” to connect with my family first. Without a computer my kiddos remained my focus – I didn’t get distracted by the allure of the small portable black box that is actually a big black hole that sucks me in and doesn’t want to let me out.

Free of distraction, I was able to be more engaged and present with my boys which is exactly what I NEEDED to be. I needed to focus on helping them handle the situation anyway that I could. I needed to be focused on them to keep their behavior, and mine, in check with minimal meltdowns because the last thing I needed amidst all the insanity was an epic meltdown. What I didn’t need was to know if Emily was with Ari or not.

I liked myself better the last two weeks. I thoroughly enjoyed feeling less snappy and less bothered AND I thoroughly enjoyed hanging with my boys distraction free. All and all it was much more peaceful, fun, interesting and easy…EVEN under the circumstances!

So starting tonight, the computer is going UPSTAIRS, out of sight. It can no longer be the first thing I see when I walk in the door. Nope, I need to remove the temptation to escape to it when the going gets tough. I’ve tried but before but this time it is even more clear to me that the change is necessary, no not necessary, desired. It is going to be an adjustment. But it has to be done. I can do it. I have to do it.

Note: I am trying to move on from talking about no power as I am sure it is over done at this point! That said, if it isn’t and you do want to know about other lessons learned the last two weeks, let me know and I’ll share them!

Monday morning misery

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

278 days without yelling, 87 days of loving more to go!

Dear Monday,

Why can’t you ever be nice to me? First you fill my house with tears, then you break my computer and then you break my dryer. Yes, I blame you for all those things because I feel like it. Harrumph.

A disgruntled Orange Rhino

Picture this. It’s Monday morning. Not just any Monday morning but one after a two week vacation from school and any routine really. Now add three over-tired kids because they don’t get daylight savings and one baby who likes to pick up everything and move it. Oh! And don’t forget the super high-strung mommy who didn’t sleep a wink because of her own nightmares. Okay. Can you see all the tears? Can you hear all the protests against going to school? Can you feel all the tension? If so, you were at my house this morning. It gets better.

Now imagine all four boys in the car. I realized I didn’t have my keys to start the car and look for them. They are no where to be found. I ask the boys as they always take them. Nothing. No response. No remorse. Which meant one thing. Darling baby played hide mommy’s keys, again!So here we are. After tears and meltdowns and air-punching and angry screams and finally getting buckled in to go to school..and we can’t. Are you KIDDING ME I bark rather fiercely.”Everybody out!” I ordered. “Help me find the keys.””Aw mommmmmm” they complained back.

“Look, you guys encourage him to take the keys, you help look.”

We all went inside and dropped to our knees, aka baby height. 5 minutes later, keys found in the play kitchen. Excellent.

And queue the whining about school and the tears to start again. This time louder and with much more vigor and passion. Excellent.

After I wrestled four kids BACK into their car seats I couldn’t help but think to myself, who doesn’t love Mondays?! T.G.I.M. Anyone?! No takers?! How about T.G.F.D.B.O.A.T? Thank god for deep breaths oh and Tuesdays. Tomorrow is a new day. New moments. New opportunities. Bring it on Tuesday, or better yet, Monday realize you are MINE and can’t mess with me.

My worst day of “The Challenge” thus far…

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written November 7, Day 10 without power

Dear Facebook,

Was it really necessary to delete all I had just written after the day I had?! ARGH!

Not so sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

(Dear Orange Rhinos – as I get back up and running (translation: get two weeks of laundry and dust bunnies taken care of – I wanted to re-post what I wrote on my phone for those who don’t Facebook. I will write something new soon. Like tonight. I promise!)

Today was ugly. Absolutely positively, 110% ugly. It was indeed the worst day I have had on this challenge, a day I am ashamed of because it was full of way too much snapping and way too much mumbling not nice things under my breath. It was a day filled with venom.

It started off great

The kids slept in to the new daylight savings time so I woke feeling rested and so powerFULL. But then, as I stepped out of the house this morning en route to a friends house, it hit me. It was beyond COLD. The sky was grey which meant the snowstorm wasn’t a joke but instead a cruel reality, an imminent reality. And it meant no sun today, or rather “no orange rhino, your house will not warm up a few degrees naturally today so screw you!” Yes, I felt attacked by the weather today and defeated. So much so that when I dropped laundry off at a friends I couldn’t hold a conversation without crying. Because you see, not only am I cold and frustrated and feeling powerless to help others, my baby had a febrile seizure on Friday and today woke with a fever AGAIN. I knew blood work was in the works for today – somewhere between getting firewood, gas, groceries, ice all before the storm hit. ARGH. The stress of the last 10 days finally hit me this morning and it turned me into a raging B***:!We got in from dropping the laundry, I still wiping tears away, and I went on a firm voice rampage! Clean up! Do this! Do that! Now. No one responded (obviously) so I threw a temper tantrum. I went outside (in the COLD!!!), tried to hide, and stomped my feet, screamed out loud and maybe even kicked a toy. Or two.Then I walked back into the house and tried again. Still, no response. It was clear – the stress I felt was radiating. My attitude was literally being spit back at me. My boys look nothing like me but today their attitudes made them look like spinning images of me (or is it spitting? I always get it wrong!) Anyway, I digress. My boys needed to temper tantrum as much as I did. So we all did. Together.

“Who needs to scream? Okay, on the count of three we’re going to stomp our feet, pound our chest like gorillas’ and scream. And then we’re gonna move on.”

We did that. And it was fun. And worked for nearly 5 hours. Sh*t. I needed it to work WAY longer. Fast forward two hours, my ugliness is rearing its head again and my eldest dumps all the firewood ashes out on the driveway (don’t ask why they were available to be dumped in the first place). I grumbled and snapped and firmly made my point. But still felt crappy. Because I knew it was preventative and I was just in a bad mood.

ARGH. Then the opportunity presented itself to get on track AGAIN. #2 was struggling with his snow pants. He grumbled at me “I’m having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day!!!”

“Me too I said! Me too.””Do you need a kiss and a hug to make it feel better?””Yes I do. Do you?”

“YES”

We hugged and kissed and guess what, I felt better. It was still an ugly day but at least I was able to pull it together to have that moment. Because it was the sweetest, most powerfully engaged moment I’ve had in days and I needed it. His little hug and kiss, and your stories today, totally recharged me. Phew!

“I will survive!”

Posted on November 9, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Friday’s Favorite Song #3…

Yesterday, after a mere two hours of being up with all my boys and a whopping 11 to go, I started writing an email to my husband. “Dear hubby, I don’t think I will survive this day.” Then I paused. I read my words and pressed delete. I realized that with that defeatist attitude, yeah, I wouldn’t survive, that my thoughts would indeed become reality. And then Gloria Ga

ynor popped into my head. Yes, this power outage is getting to me. Before I knew it I was humming…”I will survive. Hey hey!”

So there you have it, today’s song is “I Will Survive!” I am pretty sure we all know the words but just in case, here are a few key lines for you to hum on a bad day:

“…did I crumble \ Did I lay down and die \ oh not, not I! I will survive! \
Oh and as long as I know how to love I know I’ll stay alive \
I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my love to give \ and I’ll survive! \
I will survive! Hey, hey! \ It took all the strength I had not to fall apart \ … \ And spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry! \ But now I hold my head up high. \ and you see me somebody new!

Happy Friday and weekend…you will survive!

A personal struggle (yes, another one!)

Posted on November 8, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook when we had no power…and as I copy and paste it here and re-read it I want to make clear that this post is about ME and my struggles, not my boys!

A post not about yelling, but about a personal struggle (hopefully a familiar one?) That stresses me. So I guess it is indirectly about yelling then isn’t it?

People keep asking me…why don’t you go and stay somewhere else? Why don’t you go to a hotel, a friends, grandparents, anywhere there is power? The reasons are quite simple. As to grandparents or a hotel, well, it would actually be more work and more stress to take four kiddos to a place without their toys, their beds, their comfort. Yes on occasion it’s fun to go to grandma’s or on vacation. But when it is unplanned and unknown how long we will be gone? No, that is too much for me. And for my kids quite frankly. They, I, need as much routine, as much familiarity as I, we, can muster.

And as to going to a friend’s house, well, this is where I wonder if I am alone. I am deathly terrified of taking my kids to a friend’s house. Terrified they will misbehave, they will be too loud, they won’t be polite, that they won’t be as good as my friend’s kids. It is so bad that I hardly ever truly relax when visiting a friend because my anxiety that one of my boys will act out scares the bejeebers out of me.Yes I know. This probably sounds ridiculous. Not just because real friends don’t judge but because kids are kids. But still I worry. I fret. I fear. I struggle because I don’t know anyone who has children like mine, or rather because I have never witnessed friend’s children acting like mine. I haven’t seen sensory attacks, screaming attacks, hyper attacks anywhere but in my own home and it is isolating. Ever so isolating.

And so I isolate myself even further. I say yes as much as I can, on days when I have the strength and patience to parent my best. I say yes on the days when I know WE will have a good day, when I won’t be embarrassed when my boys are more apt to not have an “attack.” I say yes when I can but also, I say no a lot. I have gotten a lot better these last two years as I have grown to know my boys, as I have learned how to read them better and help them more. As I have grown as a parent but still. Again. I say no a lot just because I am terrified of what people will think of me as a parent.

Which begs the question: is the problem that my kids behavior is legitimately embarrassing or that I am legitimately insecure? It’s probably a little bit of both but more the insecurity, don’t you think?

Do you feel insecure about your kid’s behavior? Ever?

Hurricane Sandy and more chances to practice

Posted on November 6, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Hi Orange Rhinos.

Today’s riddle is brought to you today by Digavise.

Which is longer? A year without yelling? Or a week with young kids and no power?

I’m not sure either! Our Orange Rhino is still without power and unable to post to the blog, though I’m sure the posts post-power-restoration are going to be amazing!

The good news is that she is still able to post to Facebook, so if you head over there, you can help find the humor in this situation and help her count down to the restoration of power.

Don’t yell, make Bananas Foster?

Posted on November 6, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written November 6, Day ??? without power

And a funny story for tonight to lighten up the mood of this page.

So obviously 8 days no power is getting to me. Tonight ’round about 4:30ish as the house was starting to darken and I needed to get everything ready for dinner and bedtime while I had lights someone opened the door to the COLD cold outside and left it open. As they ALL ran around in and out screaming and laughing and having a jolly ‘ole good time. Two seconds before I went bezerk they ran in, slammed the door shut and continued calling each other po*py heads and laughin hysterically. I was so annoyed I wanted to scream, like off my charts scream. I opened my mouth, felt the tickle start in my throat and felt the roar travel up my throat. I immediately grabbed the closest thing I could and squeezed…turns out it was a week old rotten banana. SMOOSH! Wet, sticky banana smooshed through my fingers and dripped out onto the counter and floor. What a mess it was! What a mess I am. What a dork I am because immediately after the harsh realization that I am inching towards losing it (despite all my positive feelings), all I could think of was vanilla ice cream and the necessary makings for Bananas Foster dessert 🙂

When it’s dark, you can see the Stars…

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Written on Facebook November 5th, day ??? without power

What’s on my mind facebook asks? Well first I am thrilled I figured out how to post as The Orange Rhino from my phone. Yeah! And second, well, here is my second.

Tonight I went outside flashlight in hand desperately searching for #3’s winter hat. You all know him to be a tad OCD about his belongings and well, since we made him wear a hat one night to stay warm he hasn’t let it leave his head. Until today. It was bedtime and it couldn’t be found anywhere. I feared a meltdown more than anything so I trekked outside looking for said hat.

I didn’t find it. But I found something perhaps more amazing. The stars. As the fresh, cold air hit me in the face and I smelled all the fires burning I couldn’t help but stop and take it all in. It was so peaceful. Not a car rushing down the street. Not a streetlight shining. Not a kid running around. It was pure awesomeness. And then I looked up. Oh the stars. So abundant and clear and sparkling. I love seeing the stars at night and oh how I miss visiting “the country” where I can see the stars every night. You see, here in the burbs, with all the lights it is hard to see the stars. But as you know, right now, I am without light. My street is without lights. But I am not without stars.

It was (is?) Totally dark tonight and I got to see the stars. And it made me so very happy, so very calm and yet alive.

You all know that I am a cheeseball who loves inspirational quotes. Tonight’s search for the hat turned moment of peace reminded me of a favorite quote of mine from high school. Something like “only when it is dark can you see the stars.”

Well right now folks, its dark. But I am seeing stars, literally. And it is keeping me going. So I offer this story up to you in terms of this challenge (because we all know I love to bring things back to “the challenge.”) When it is dark – when you want to yell and kick and scream and lose it, look for the stars. Look for the beauty in your children. Look for love. Find it. It is there. And it will help you survive that moment. And if it doesn’t work right away, keep trying. It is like looking for constellations – it takes practice to see things a certain way. But it IS possible.

I’m off to stargaze. Again. Because looking at stars is way better than sitting in the dark. Again.