Good morning everyone,

Nothing like starting the day, hopping online to write an important post that kept you up all night because you were so fired up, only to go online and see a message that reads “Your page has been temporarily disabled.” I hadn’t had coffee yet so it took me a bit to realize it was a scam but it was enough to scare me into finally doing something I have been putting off – collecting emails in case I ever do lose my Facebook page to a hacker.

I saw this recently happen to someone. I want to say their site had several hundred thousand followers? A Community that she had built over years gone over night. Poof! I should have acted then but, well, welcome to my mind, I don’t always get things done when I should.

But I am doing it now. You all mean so very much to me. I can’t imagine waking up and not having The Orange Rhino® Community! So please, I hate asking, but would you join my in case of emergency email list? Which is interesting because in school papers, and medical ones, the in case of emergency people are those we trust. Those we are close to. Those in our community who are there for us – you are all in many ways my ICE people already! you have been there for me this year as I have returned!

I promise this list is just in case I lose the site. I will create a separate opt in for weekly emails or newsletter or whatever it is I decided to create in the near future which is coming because Facebook (1) this morning wakeup call not cool and (2) your algorithms are also incredibly not cool.

Thank you for being here with me – for supporting me, believing in me, laughing with me, and living along life with me!

xoxo
The Orange Rhino

REGISTRATION is currently closed for the January 2023, 30-Day Challenge.
But you can subscribe to be notified when the next one will start.

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Not yelling can be really hard! Not stating anything new, am I? But, it is also really possible and I know this because I have done it (and re-done it)! I went 520 days without yelling at my four boys who were all under the age of 6 at the time. And then I yelled because well, I am human and yells happen! Life happens! It doesn’t make me a bad parent, it just means I had a tough moment and I yelled. The good news is that because of the tools, tips and insights I learned from my year of not yelling, I was able to start yelling less again.

I will share these same tips, tools and insights with you during The Orange Rhino Challenge® 30-Days to Start Yelling Less

Wait, why Start? Why Yell Less – not Stop Yelling? Well…here’s the thing. I too am a parent. We are all under a lot of stress already and I will not add to it but overpromising. You will also quickly find that I am, to a fault, honest so I will only write and share my honest experiences.

So…why Start? Learning to stop yelling is a never-ending, always learning journey. Everyday you start the journey. Everyday you challenge yourself. There is no true beginning or end. Why? Because kids change. We change. Life changes. Our environment changes. With all the changes – the tools and responses we learn, need to change too. The core remains the same, but they get tweaked. Your triggers change as time passes. Your kids’ triggers change (um, hello teenagers!!) So no, I am sorry but this is not a 30-days and you will be no longer yelling program or a 30-days and the yelling-cycle will be gone forever. I can not promise you that.

And yelling less, not stop yelling all together, like I did for a year? Again, this is a journey. You very well might stop yelling all together during the 30-days. For real. It is possible! And…you might not. BOTH are okay. Neither path makes you a better or worse parent. In fact, both our good days and our not-so-good moments matter!! We can learn from both – and teach our kids from both. So celebrate the moments you don’t yell and embrace the moments you do. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you do your best at any given moment. Eventually, all those moments do add up to more “yelling less moments” and all those moments do eventually add up to hours without yelling, then days, then maybe weeks or months. You might have a day where you stop and think, “WHOA! I have stopped yelling!” And then you might yell again – wait, you will, again, you are still human! – but because it is so much less, it won’t phase you as much. You will identify as a parent that doesn’t yell at this point. Trust me. You will then take the tools, tips and insights you know, apologize to your child for yelling, offer yourself grace, and start the journey to yell less again.

If this all sounds good to you – sign up below! More details will follow!

* Owning the book “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Stopped Yelling at Her Kids – And How You Can Too!” is not a requirement, but helpful! It is available hard copy at amazon or
PRE-ORDER the audiobook!

Happy New Year Orange Rhinos! My four stayed up until midnight for the first time ever, well and I did for the first time in years, so yeah…today is going to be a LOOOOOONG day 🙂 To boot, we did Just Dance all night and I am out of shape so my whole body hurts and my feet are killing me BUT we had a fabulous time so it was worth it. (Check in with me in a couple of hours when I need a nap and they are fighting.)

Anywho, as we all go about this New Years Day, I know that many, many set a New Years Resolution to Yell Less and Love More. I want to remind you that every day, every hour is a chance to Yell Less and Love More. You do not need to set a goal for the entire year nor do you need to start today just because it is New Years. Start at any point when you feel ready and can dedicate yourself (as much as one can) and choose a goal that is inspiring to you but not intimidating.

My alarm went off this morning and so I promptly…rolled over and went back to sleep because, isn’t that what one does when an alarm goes off?!

It went off again, but this time my phone said “It is 6:35” and my phone read, “Get out of Bed!”

I still was in no mood to entirely listen to my alarm or the self-help message I programmed it to read, but I did wake up enough to start thinking about my daily to-do’s. This morning, at the top of the list was “WRITE.” “Perfect,” I thought. “I can brainstorm ideas of what I might want to write about and not actually have to get out of bed. Sweet!”

Different ideas came and went. One idea that stuck the most revolved around the number eight. I spell eight because I can’t type the darn number. Apparently, that number key is broken on my keyboard. I learned this the hard way last night when I was desperately trying to log into a website. The broken key got me thinking about life (don’t ask) but I didn’t feel like it would lead me to a full post or any real insight, so I mentally crossed that idea off and went back to brainstorming.

Thirty minutes or so later, without any nugget of inspiration to get me going, I sat down to write and hoped something would just magically come out. I started one idea but stopped and decided to try another so I did what I normally do between ideas – type an asterisk. Which brings us to now.

The darn asterisk key doesn’t work either. Why you ask? Because it turns out the asterisk and the eight are on the same key! And so here I am, the broken number eight on my mind, again, and still no other real inspirations. Kind of ironic if you ask me. Maybe I am supposed to explore the number eight story after all. I am taking it as a sign that I am because I just need to write something, anything and I gotta start somewhere!

Last night I was working on plans for an upcoming trip to Disneyworld. I needed to put my password into the Disney site to change some hotel reservations. Kind of important since the cancellation period was days away! I typed the password over and over and over again and it kept telling me that I didn’t know my password. And I kept telling it over and over again that it was wrong (and probably used some other words too.) I desperately needed to get into the site but I didn’t want to go and change my password because it would be a pain in the ass; the last thing I needed was yet another stinkin’ password to remember! By the way, I would not have normally spelled ass out but again, no asterisk button for those darn s’s.

Any who, I knew I had the right password and I refused to change it.  Instead, I stopped trying so hard to remember the password and sat patiently, trying to think of anything else besides the password.  And voila, it donned on me – maybe the password wasn’t wrong, maybe a key was broken. So I went into word, tried typing the password to see what key wasn’t working and learned it was the now infamous eight. I then desperately went through a twelve-page document I had recently typed to look for a number eight so that I could copy and paste it in for my password. And wouldn’t you know – I magically got into my personal world of Disney.

I chuckled and thought to myself,

“This broken key is like life…YOUR life. When things were off and feeling wrong and things just weren’t working as you wanted, and you didn’t know what was causing things to be ‘broken’ you just needed to take a break, step away, stop trying so hard in that moment, and be well, patient. And when you did…things became clear.”

Last month (and last week and yesterday and last hour, but whatever) I felt like I was slipping too frequently into the “overly-frustrated” with my kids zone. So, I followed my own advice about identifying big triggers and asked myself loads of questions.

“What is going on?”
“Why are you so short-tempered?”
“Are you sleeping enough?”
“Are your expectations too much?”
“Is it you or is it them?”
“Why can’t you find the self control you want?”

“Why? Why? Why?”

At the time, the questions got me nowhere and I hated it. My mind kept saying, “You must know, you must know” and I kept replying, “But I don’t know, I don’t know.” Oh, I hated feeling crappy about myself and my yelling and I just wanted an answer, immediately. I am a problem solver and I like things fixed, fast. I am not very patient (just ask my mother!) I like to stay with a problem until it is solved…and when it involves my feelings, I want them to be solved and be better stat!

Unfortunately, that is not how life works and it certainly isn’t how figuring out big triggers works. Big triggers are not solved overnight. Sometimes not even in a month. Or a few. Or in my case, as I finally did figure out my “big trigger,” well, more than a year.

But how did I figure out that big trigger?
How did I figure out why I felt “broken” and was taking it out on my kids?
I did what I did with the broken key.

I didn’t give up. I remained determined. And…

I took a break.
I stepped away.
I stopped trying so hard.
I allowed myself to be patient with the process.
(And I kind of allowed myself to be patient with myself during the process.)

This seems like a simple story (hence I guess why I dismissed it at first) but apparently, I needed the reminder about the importance of stepping back, slowing down and being patient with life, with myself…with figuring out my life, myself.

I want answers right now to a lot of things. I want answers right now because I want to be in a better place. For myself, my boys, for others. But there is no magic eight ball to give me the answers instantly as to how to resolve the unknown. Just a broken eight key to remind me to be patient with the process, and myself.

Our household (apparently like most of the world!) has recently been all about the new Star Wars movie, “The Force Awakens.” My five boys (if you include my husband and I most certainly need to in this case!) have literally been talking about it non-stop since they saw the first commercial for the movie back in November and quite possibly have been even more excited about its release than Christmas! Their enthusiasm was incredibly contagious and I couldn’t help but to join them in their excitement so…I made sure that we had tickets for this past weekend and I made sure that we had watched all of the Star Wars movies before we were blasted off to the movie theatre on Saturday, December 19^th. I am so glad I got completely wrapped up in the Star Wars mania as the entire experience, especially the movie, was an outright blast.

It should be of no surprise then that with Star Wars on my mind 24-7 that the blog post “Jedi Mind Tricks to Yell Less” popped into my mind. Although I have been quiet on the blog for quite some while, my mind most certainly has not. Boat loads of blog posts written it has; just typed them out it has not! 🙂 Seriously, every day my mind thinks about yelling less and being an Orange Rhino. As I shared in my book, the journey to Yell Less and Love More didn’t stop the day I reached my initial goal. Everyday I recommit to my promise to yell less and everyday I work to keep said goal on my mind so that I can successfully be The Orange Rhino that I want to be.

Some days it is easier than others.
And well some days the dark side is strong in me and keeping it at bay is tough.

Thankful I am though, for a few new mind tricks I have developed over the past year that are helping me to stay on The Orange Side and away from the Dark Side. I share them with you just in case you too are looking for some ways to “trick” your mind into the best mentality needed to stay on The Orange Side!

Trick #1: Use the Word “Now”
Nope, I don’t mean use it when trying to get your kids to do something, I mean saying it to yourself! I have always found perspective to be a powerful tool to prevent yelling. I add the phrase “I am grateful” to the beginning of frustrated comments or I add the phrase “at least” at the end to help ground me. “I am grateful that you are healthy enough to run around wild and crazy!” “I can’t believe you spilled the milk…at least your brothers didn’t too!” Perspective works wonders and now, “now” is another phrase that helps! This one is particularly useful for me when I get frustrated about my how hard I have to work on certain days to not yell. Using the word “now” reminds me that the current situation doesn’t predict the future. It gives me a sense of hope that success will come, that just because I am struggling today doesn’t mean I will forever struggle.

Saying “ugh, I am struggling to yell less” left me defeated and angry with myself which totally didn’t help on the tough days! “Ugh, I am struggling to yell less now” leaves me encouraged to keep going and to reach for the future. “Now” also encourages me that my kid’s behavior isn’t permanent. Oh the difference between, “He won’t listen to me” and “he won’t listen to me now” (but maybe, pretty please!, he will in the future if I keep trying to communicate?!) Just knowing that the rest of the day could get easier keeps me positive which helps me yell less. It sounds silly, but using the word “now” really helps to chill me out and to inspire me to keep working hard. So start using this word, now 😉

Trick #2: Remind Yourself that the Urge to Yell Will Pass
I read the most fascinating book last spring: “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal. I soaked up every word and filled the pages with notes and insights and questions for myself as so much related to my emotional eating challenges and my passion to yell less and love more. One key take away I had from the book–and I am going to muck it up here here and I can’t find the book to make the statement accurate (yes I loved it, yes I lost it, yes I am wicked annoyed) so please bear with me–is that urges pass. No matter how big an urge is, the desire to engage in a non-desired behavior (smoking, binge eating, complaining) or yelling (my addition as it wasn’t mentioned in the book!) will pass. The best way to help the urge pass is to not fight it, but rather to accept it. “Okay, I so want to yell. I can feel it in my body. I feel my hands sweating. Okay, these feelings will pass.” I use this trick a lot lately for a lot of different things and it has been a game changer!!!

Trick #3: Asking yourself, “What do I know to be true?”
Full disclosure, I learned this trick from my therapist…kind of. She taught me to say this phrase to myself whenever my youngest son got a high fever and I started fearing he would have a seizure. (Remember, last year was a brutal, brutal year for my son Mac and admittedly it took a toll on me.) So now I fight my nerves by saying, “What do I know to be true? I know that I can give him medicine and that helps. I know the hospital is close if there is an emergency. I know his blood tests are okay and there isn’t a bigger problem.” This method totally works in that situation and I have adapted it to work with yelling less too, in lots of different situations.

My kids aren’t listening. “Okay, what do I know to be true? They are so excited for Christmas they can’t focus. I know I acted the same way as a child. I know there behavior right now isn’t because I am a bad parent or because they are bad kids.” Empathy achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids won’t go to sleep. “Okay, what do I know to be true? If I yell the process will go slower. My kids are dawdling because they want me, not because they want to piss me off. I can do this.” Confidence achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

My kids aren’t the issue, my insecurity is! “Okay, what do I know to be true? I am snappy with the kids because it’s me, not them. I am worried that parents are talking about me because of my son’s temper tantrum at the park. But I know that they are other reasons they might be talking. Maybe they are talking about the 70 degree weather in December (ridiculous!) Maybe they are talking about the fact that I handled the tantrum as well as one could. Maybe they are talking about how we need a girls night out.” Trigger management achieved. Calmness achieved. Yelling not achieved!

I so know to be true that this trick works!!!

Trick #4: Tell Yourself that the Force is Within You
We all know Yoda is a wise teacher and perfectly teach about self-confidence in this exchange with Luke he does:

Luke: “I can’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

Um, yep. Accurate you are Yoda. On tough days, when I start to doubt my ability to be an Orange Rhino and I tell myself “I can’t do this,” then not yelling just becomes harder. But on those tough days if I tell myself that I have the force within myself, that I have the energy, determination, and skills to stay calm during a meltdown…to be loving when all I feel is anger…to turn around and take a break when I am at wits end…to use an alternative to yelling…to be empathetic, well then, then I succeed.

Struggling to believe that you have the force within yourself to yell less? Tell yourself about all the times you did indeed not yell! You have been successful, you have used the Orange Rhino force and you will continue to do so! Believe in you I do! I leave you with a final Star Wars quote (and yes I had to research all of them as I don’t know them by heart like my hubby) from Obi Wan Kenobi in appropriately the movie, “A New Hope:”

“Remember…the Force will be with you always.”

If you seek more insights and tips to yell less and love more, and if you seek to no longer feel alone on this journey, but rather understood and supported, check out my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too!” Knowing how us parents have limited time. I have broken down the journey into 30 days, with each daily reading taking no more than a couple of minutes.

Unfortunately, before I started my original Orange Rhino Challenge to go 365 days straight without yelling at my four boys (then ages 5 and under), the “Not-So-Great” Thanksgiving of 2010 happened. Oh, how I wish that I’d decided to teach myself to “Yell Less, Love More” before that turkey day — for then this story wouldn’t still be stuck in my memory… because it wouldn’t have happened in the first place! Nope, all the lessons I learned in my 520 days straight of not yelling would have come into play and prevented me from ruining that Thanksgiving with my relentless yelling. Sigh. Oh well. Here’s how it went down, literally.

Or cranberry sauce.

Or any of the foods that one typically serves on Thanksgiving, for that matter.

Except, well, the white stuff: bread, butter, mashed potatoes, and more butter!

But I love Thanksgiving Day. I love making a big, roaring fire and then cuddling up with my boys to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I love oohing and ahhingover all the floats together and sharing stories with my boys about when I was a kid and couldn’t wait to watch the parade. I love sitting down to eat and first having cranberry juice with rainbow sherbet and telling my boys that this is a tradition passed down from my great-grandmother. I love eating ice cream turkeys with my boys, a tradition passed down by me!

And yet, I hated Thanksgiving 2010 because I ruined it.

I ruined it by yelling, big-time. Over a picture. A freakin’ picture. Seriously?! Yes, seriously. As soon as the parade wrapped up, I decided it was the perfect time for the annual “Let’s watch Mom jump up and down and act like a clown to make us smile” holiday card photo shoot. Yes, of course, this moment after James, Edward, and Andrew (then ages 4, 3, and 1) had just been sitting peacefully and quietly for an hour, and only wanted to run outside and play — this was the perfect time to ask them to sit still, again. And smile. And keep their hands to themselves. And try to be patient with my constant requests for, “Just one more picture, please?” I knew at the time that I was pushing my luck, given the circumstances and their ages, but I still pushed.

As expected, given my picture-taking history, my boys whined when I told them it was picture time. As I geared up to corral them into the living room (and to start offering bribes galore), Andrew took off as usual and ran into — of all rooms — the living room. He jumped onto the couch, laughing hysterically as he crashed into the pillows. James and Edward of course followed suit, and all three boys started laughing and tickling each other and having a grand old time. So much so that, when I shouted, “Hey, look at me!” they didn’t realize I had just taken a picture. It was, and still is, one of my favorite pictures in the entire world. The happiness. The love. The joy. The smiles. It melted my heart.

So you’d think I would have stopped right then, right?

No more pictures needed, right?!

Wrong.

I wanted to make sure that I had the best picture. The perfect picture. I wanted to see if I could do better, even though I felt I had just been delivered a miracle. I got greedy, really, really greedy, and I asked, “One more picture, please?” They acquiesced for a few minutes, but understandably soon grew tired of my never-ending demands to sit still and smile. They had behaved wonderfully and cooperatively for so long; now they were done. They had reached their limit and started squirming, whining, pinching each other, and refusing to cooperate. So I started yelling. And I didn’t stop. I didn’t stop because I so badly wanted the perfect picture and I thought that yelling would force them to behave. (I now know better!)

“Sit still!” I barked.

“Just one more! Be good!” I whined.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO THIS FOR ME?!” I yelled.

And my famous, or rather infamous, Thanksgiving 2010 line: “It’s Thanksgiving, for cripes’ sake! I would be so grateful for just one good picture. PLEASE! Just smile!” I screamed.

The more I yelled, the more they cried. The more they cried, the worse the pictures were, so the more I yelled

Finally, I gave up and said, ever so shamefully and nastily, “That’s it! I have had it. All I wanted was a picture. Thanks for nothing.”

James, Edward, and Andrew then promptly ran out of the room, crying to Daddy and the grandmas. James screamed, “Mommy’s a meanie.” Edward sobbed, “I don’t like her.” Andrew just cried and cried, clearly scared by how loud and nasty my voice had gotten. And I went to the bathroom and also cried and cried, feeling all the same thoughts as my kids. I pouted the rest of the day as I felt so mortified and ashamed that I had screamed at my young children for behaving well — ashamed that I had unnecessarily taken my own problem with perfection out on them.

I couldn’t look any of the other adults in the eye for the rest of the day. I felt so sad that my need for the perfect picture pushed me to lose it so horrifically. My guilt and shame then kept me from enjoying the holiday. Thanksgiving is one of the days where I often feel nothing but love, and yet, that year… that year I couldn’t feel it because I had yelled to the point where all I felt was hatred for myself.

The sad thing is that Thanksgiving wasn’t the only time I felt such anger at myself for yelling at my kids over trying to get a picture. Nope, it had happened many times before. And while I sit here wanting to write that it’s all just because I am a perfectionist and seek perfection in everything I do, that’s a partial cop-out. It goes deeper than that.

Yes, yes, I seek the perfect picture of all my boys looking at the camera, smiling flawlessly and not picking their noses. But it’s not just because I am a perfectionist; it’s also because I am insecure. Oftentimes in life, I seek comfort, confidence, and reassurance that I am living a happy, good life — that I am doing well at this parenting thing, that I have happy children. And, well, whenever I feel that way, I find that looking at pictures soothes my insecurities and proves to me that I am doing OK.

If I feel frustrated and down and overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting, I can look at that “perfect” picture and look straight into those gorgeous twinkling eyes and remember that it is all worth it, that my kids are happy and it’s worth the work. If I find myself feeling sad that life is passing by too fast, my kids are growing up too fast, and I feel I have missed out, I can look at that “perfect” picture and remember: no, I didn’t miss it, I was right there and it was wonderful. And if I feel stressed about life in general, then looking at pictures of my family having fun, enjoying a special vacation, enjoying a special holiday, enjoying each other helps soothe my negative mood and move me to a more positive, grateful, happy, and definitely less stressed place.

Pictures bring me comfort by helping me feel secure in this world, and, rightly or wrongly, I rely on them for this. That is the real reason I push for perfect pictures. I don’t yell at my kids during picture time because I want the most beautiful picture ever; it’s because I am afraid that if I don’t get that picture, then I won’t have something to look at when I need it most. I yell at them because of me, because of my insecurities, not because of them and their inability to sit still longer than children their age should.

The Orange Rhino Challenge and all the trigger digging I did helped me to see the real reason I yelled. And by default, it helped me let go and chill out during picture time. Now when I find myself struggling to not yell at my kids when I desperately want a picture, I say to myself:

Hey, just relax. You’ll get what you get. Don’t push it or you won’t get a thing except crying kids, an upset you, and therefore a bad picture and a more upset you. It’s not worth it! Yelling doesn’t work, it just makes things worse. Remember, it’s not them you are frustrated with; it’s you. They are doing fine — you are causing the stress. Chill out. Just chill out. Remember, the goal isn’t the perfect picture. It’s enjoying the moment. Don’t ruin it by yelling.

I can happily say that I now enjoy those special moments in my life even more than before because my need for perfection and my instinct to yell aren’t dampening them. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to let go of perfection at times? Yes. Do I still struggle and have to push myself to “Yell Less, Love More” during trying times? Yes. I am the Orange Rhino, but I am not perfect! But I struggle a lot less and for that I will jump up and down, act like a clown, and do all sorts of crazy things to make myself smile and feel good about my progress. Because of all the things I have learned as part of my my Orange Rhino Challenge to Yell Less + L.O.V.E. More, one most definitely is this: the goal is not about perfection, it’s about progress.

And I am making progress — I am yelling less and loving more — and that is what matters to me more than perfection.

This story originally appeared in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can too!” Part parenting guide, part memoir, part journal, her book takes you on a 30-day journey full of honest stories, alternatives to yelling and steps to follow so that you too can Yell Less. Find more about her book here.

I wrote the following kind of sarcastic, kind of true, sentence in my head back in July. Or was it June? Perhaps even as early as May?

“My name is The Orange Rhino and I wrote a book about how to stop yelling at my kids and now I need to read my own book.”

Well, that was probably the most fun sentence I have ever shared with you all! Oi! I had full intentions of sharing that sentence with you all this past summer, followed of course by all the “wonderful” details about how I had started struggling with yelling again. I didn’t keep it from you out of embarrassment, nope that was definitely not the case; it’s just that the following happened….

Shortly after that sentence started floating in my mind (okay, bombarding my mind,) I finally accepted that it wasn’t just a sentence, but that it was a true statement that needed to be brought to life. Yes, I finally accepted that it was time to really, like really, really, focus more of my energy on being an Orange Rhino. It wasn’t that I hadn’t been focusing on yelling less and loving more, oh I totally had been, it’s just that I finally accepted that I needed to take my efforts to a new level because I wasn’t making as much progress as I hoped. Although I felt a wee bit deflated and a big bit frustrated, kind of like I did when I started my journey to stop yelling back in January 2012, I felt these yucky feelings to a much lesser degree because this go around I knew that I had a tried-and-true resource to help me.

I had my book.

Seriously, this was my first thought when it hit me hard that I needed to up my game and oh did it bring me immense relief, comfort, hope, and determination. I knew in my heart that my book would help me figure out why the heck I was yelling so much again. I knew it would remind me of some of my favorite tricks to try in the heat of the moment. I knew it would give me inspiration to keep going when I wanted to quit trying to improve. And most importantly, I knew it would guide me back to being the parent I loved being and knew I was capable of being.

So I picked my book, and started reading.

As hoped, my book did guide me right back to being The Orange Rhino I hoped to be.
And well, at the same time it guided me away from writing hence the non-existent post this summer!

You see, as soon as I started following the 30-day guide in my book, and started tracking my triggers and digging deep, I quickly realized that the biggest thing I needed to do to get me back on track was to take care of me. Like, immediately. Like, should have done weeks, no months ago. “Of course you are struggling with yelling,” I thought to myself, “you aren’t doing any of what you know to do because you have absolutely nothing left in your tank. You are more than depleted. You need an honest to goodness break.”

So took a break I did, from anything and everything that I could.
Oh, and yell less and love more I also did, and still do.

I am successfully back to being The Orange Rhino parent I aim to be and man am I grateful! The land of The Orange Rhino is a much more peaceful, pleasant, and enjoyable place to be than the land of the grumpy grey rhino! That said, I know that I still need to keep my mind 110% focused on staying in this state to ensure that I really stay in this groove. So, I am planning to re-read my book again and I would love it if you read along with me and take this journey alongside me!

Let’s get to and stay in Orange Rhino land together…and let’s do it with a book club!

Yes, a book club. Yeah! Finally…after months of wanting to do one I actually have the reserves to do one. I am psyched, are you?! Here are the details.

Book Club TIMING:
November 1, 2015 to December 1, 2015.
Each day we will read 1 day out of the book, which averages about 3-5 pages so the time commitment to reading is completely manageable!

WHERE:
The book club will be held online at The Orange Rhino private community (www.theorangerhino.com/community) Why here instead of Facebook you ask? The private community offers a very organized approach to sharing information and therefore gives all members the ability to easily:

• Connect and communicate with others, especially those who share some of the same struggles as you do, giving you more personalized information/stories to help you on your journey and a wicked awesome support network
• Read posts by others that guaranteed will make you feel less alone and more hopeful
• Stay on track and follow along even if you missed a day (all posts have headers and will clearly indicate which day is in discussion)
• Privately post questions and concerns and receive nonjudgmental advice and loving support
• Search the content for specific topics without having to scroll through numerous posts (think of The Community as an online yelling encyclopedia! Struggle with yelling in the car? Search “yelling in the car”)
• Keep track your own entries which in effect gives you an online diary which is a great tool for this journey, and
• Return to and review the Book Club information even after the book club is over

Also, many have shared with me that despite a love for Facebook, it is also indeed a major trigger J so I hope that just by being at The Orange Rhino private community you will already find yourself yelling less and loving more even before you are deep into the book club!

HOW the Book Club will work:
Each morning (assuming no emergencies!) I will post which pages to read and a question to think about/write about that day. When applicable I will also share links to other blog posts, links to other resources, extra inspirational quotes and extra tips to try. Additionally, I will offer the choice to sign up for a daily email reminding you to check in. Accountability is a great tool in the journey to yell less, as is having as many reminders as possible!

BONUS features for this Book Club!
Many of you have already participated in the book club so not only will I add new material, but also I am adding a few things. This Book Club will include occasional:

• Conference Calls to help guide you through some of the more “technical” aspects of the book*
• Videos to encourage you to keep going (and so I can pretend that I am sitting in a coffee shop, talking to you live!)*
• Online Chats on the Community to answer any questions*
• Giveaways of Orange Rhino paraphernalia to celebrate the book turning 1!*Times and dates for the calls/videos/chats will be shared ahead of time

How to SIGN-UP and get started:
As all book clubs go, I will lead the days’ discussions based on the content in the book. So, understandably, you need the book to participate! My sincere hope is that the combination of the book content and the enhanced support and conversation on the community will truly help make your journey to “Yell Less, Love More” both easier and enjoyable! Ready to start your journey?

1. Email any proof of purchase of the book/e-book (photo, screenshot, receipt) to YellLessLoveMore@gmail.com. DEADLINE Thursday, October 29th
2. You will then receive an email with your login information for the private community and other key information. It might take a few days to receive your email as I manually enter everyone into the Community and it takes a bit of time. Thanks in advance for your patience!
3. IF you did the last Book Club, then you do not need to send proof of purchase, just an email so that I can add you to the new forum (you will still have access to the old ones.)
4. You can start reading the book now if you want – or wait to read with us so you are at the same spot as others. If it were me, I would read the Introduction and then just flip through the rest to get a feel for the layout of the book and some of the questions.

So there you have it, all the information you need to participate in the next “Yell Less, Love More 30-Day Challenge Book Club!” I really hope that you will join and that we have the chance to read the book together!

Looking forward to November 1^st and taking this journey alongside you,
The Orange Rhino
a.k.a. Sheila

Today I read the now viral article about how the owner of a diner in Maine yelled at a customer, a customer who happened to be a two-year-old child. Supposedly, the child was carrying on and on and the owner had enough so she screamed at the child to knock it off. Understandably so, this popular story has elicited a lot of responses about who was right and who was wrong. And while I would love to share my opinion on that matter, instead I am going to focus on one line from the article that reminded me of one of the many important lessons I learned when I stopped (and started and stopped) yelling at my kids.

The last line of the article reads, “I wouldn’t say I was sorry (for yelling,) because it stopped. When things stop, it’s usually a good thing.”

The owner isn’t alone in her thinking that the yelling worked so it’s a good approach. In my four years as The Orange Rhino, a parent determined to respond to triggers warmly and without yelling, just about every single parent I have communicated with has shared the same sentiment. “But yelling works. It stops the behavior that I want to stop.”

I get this sentiment. Oh how I get this sentiment. Trust me!

I have thought that “oh, well yelling works” more times than I can count! I have wanted to buy into this thought as a supporting theory for why it is okay to yell at my kids oh so many times! Yes, when all else fails and my constructive attempts to get my kids to clean up, to stop hitting each other, to go to bed, or to do whatever haven’t worked, yelling has “saved the day” and “worked.” When I used to get loud and mean enough, I eventually either scared my children or hurt their feelings enough so that they stopped dead in their tracks causing the annoying behavior to stop as well.

But does that mean the yelling really worked? That it was a good thing?
I am going to argue no.

Yes, on the surface level the yelling worked. When I yelled, I achieved a short-term goal of getting a said behavior to stop. But let me be honest; that really isn’t my main goal when I think of getting a behavior to stop. One of my main goals as a parent is to teach my children so that their good behavior continues and their “bad” behavior disappears not just for a moment but mostly forever. I don’t want to just stop it once; I want to stop it for (again, mostly!) always. But I cannot teach effectively and change behavior if I am yelling. To teach effectively I need to speak clearly and my kids need to be in a good enough place to receive my words. Yelling successfully achieves neither of those necessities! 

There ain’t no doubt about it, but when I am yelling, there is nothing clear about my communications (well, except that I’m pissed.) I’m yelling so loud and fast, and my heartbeat is racing so much that my words come out as a jumbled incomprehensible mess, completely destroying my communication efforts. Even if my kids were in the best listening place possible, when I yell I am not giving them anything coherent to take in so no, no my yelling isn’t teaching what I want to teach effectively, so no it isn’t “working.”

But what does put kids in a good listening place anyways, you ask? What puts them in a place where they won’t tune me out and will want to (kind of) listen? In my experience, my kids listen best when they feel calm, safe, and undistracted. Does yelling do that? Um, nope, not really. My boys can’t focus when I yell. I can see it in their eyes that are looking anywhere but one spot. I can see all the distracting thoughts bouncing around, “When will she stop?” “I hate her when she yells.” “I’m gonna tell daddy.” “I don’t care. Whatever mom.” They don’t focus on my words; they focus on their own thoughts and potentially own response, “You’re the meanest mommy ever,” being one of the all time favorites!

I also learned that my kids listen best when I speak in a tone that doesn’t hurt their ears or scare their minds; when I use a tone that invites them in and encourages them to listen. Does yelling do any of those things? Again, um, nope, not really. I mean gosh, whenever I have been yelled at, whether as a child or adult, my response has basically been piss off! Yelling doesn’t motivate me to change, it motivates me to do anything but change! It motivates me to tune out the messenger…fast! And it motivates me to be stubborn and difficult, which by the way, I am wicked good at and which double by the way is a trait my children inherited. So no, yelling doesn’t work for me – it actually works against me!

You know, I often think of the Peanuts cartoons when I think of what actually happens when I yell at my kids. I think of how in the cartoons the kids only hear, “Wah, wah, wah!” That’s like my kids when I am yelling!! Yes, they hear the yelling, they get the message I’m pissed, but because my yelling pushed them to tune me out, they don’t get the rest of the message, the lesson that I am really, really, really trying to share. They don’t hear, “STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER NOW IT’S NOT NICE.” Instead, if I am lucky, all they hear is, “stop hitting, wah wah, wah, wah!”

Is it great they get the message stop hitting?! Heck yeah! But I’ve learned that if at the same time – the time when the behavior I want to change is happening – they don’t also get the message that it isn’t nice, that hitting isn’t how we treat people, etc… it’s hard for them to make the connection between the bad behavior and the lesson. It’s hard for them to internalize the lesson and therefore make the right decision the next time.

So again, yelling doesn’t work as “intended” to, which is to say, it doesn’t stop behavior for the long haul. Yelling simply doesn’t open doors for communication and learning, but rather, it closes them.

Okay, except maybe in one situation. We all know my book is titled “Yell Less, Love More.” That’s because yells will happen. In those yelling moments we might not teach and we might close doors to learning but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be re-opened. They can be…immediately after the yell. Then is the best time to teach an entirely different, unintended lesson: mistakes happen and when they do, we need to apologize.

(Maybe I did share my opinion after all, eh?! And no, that was not intended!)

* * * * *

Want to Yell Less and Love More and learn more of some of the lessons that helped me stop yelling at my kids? Check out my book, which is part memoir, part journal, part physical reminder to not yell! It is available here. It is a 30-Day Guide to help you on your own journey to discover your yelling triggers and and to create a plan to manage them. Filled with honest stories to inspire you and remind you that you are not alone in your struggle with yelling, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” also shares 100 of my favorite alternatives to yelling and my favorite tools.