Today I read the now viral article about how the owner of a diner in Maine yelled at a customer, a customer who happened to be a two-year-old child. Supposedly, the child was carrying on and on and the owner had enough so she screamed at the child to knock it off. Understandably so, this popular story has elicited a lot of responses about who was right and who was wrong. And while I would love to share my opinion on that matter, instead I am going to focus on one line from the article that reminded me of one of the many important lessons I learned when I stopped (and started and stopped) yelling at my kids.

The last line of the article reads, “I wouldn’t say I was sorry (for yelling,) because it stopped. When things stop, it’s usually a good thing.”

The owner isn’t alone in her thinking that the yelling worked so it’s a good approach. In my four years as The Orange Rhino, a parent determined to respond to triggers warmly and without yelling, just about every single parent I have communicated with has shared the same sentiment. “But yelling works. It stops the behavior that I want to stop.”

I get this sentiment. Oh how I get this sentiment. Trust me!

I have thought that “oh, well yelling works” more times than I can count! I have wanted to buy into this thought as a supporting theory for why it is okay to yell at my kids oh so many times! Yes, when all else fails and my constructive attempts to get my kids to clean up, to stop hitting each other, to go to bed, or to do whatever haven’t worked, yelling has “saved the day” and “worked.” When I used to get loud and mean enough, I eventually either scared my children or hurt their feelings enough so that they stopped dead in their tracks causing the annoying behavior to stop as well.

But does that mean the yelling really worked? That it was a good thing?
I am going to argue no.

Yes, on the surface level the yelling worked. When I yelled, I achieved a short-term goal of getting a said behavior to stop. But let me be honest; that really isn’t my main goal when I think of getting a behavior to stop. One of my main goals as a parent is to teach my children so that their good behavior continues and their “bad” behavior disappears not just for a moment but mostly forever. I don’t want to just stop it once; I want to stop it for (again, mostly!) always. But I cannot teach effectively and change behavior if I am yelling. To teach effectively I need to speak clearly and my kids need to be in a good enough place to receive my words. Yelling successfully achieves neither of those necessities! 

There ain’t no doubt about it, but when I am yelling, there is nothing clear about my communications (well, except that I’m pissed.) I’m yelling so loud and fast, and my heartbeat is racing so much that my words come out as a jumbled incomprehensible mess, completely destroying my communication efforts. Even if my kids were in the best listening place possible, when I yell I am not giving them anything coherent to take in so no, no my yelling isn’t teaching what I want to teach effectively, so no it isn’t “working.”

But what does put kids in a good listening place anyways, you ask? What puts them in a place where they won’t tune me out and will want to (kind of) listen? In my experience, my kids listen best when they feel calm, safe, and undistracted. Does yelling do that? Um, nope, not really. My boys can’t focus when I yell. I can see it in their eyes that are looking anywhere but one spot. I can see all the distracting thoughts bouncing around, “When will she stop?” “I hate her when she yells.” “I’m gonna tell daddy.” “I don’t care. Whatever mom.” They don’t focus on my words; they focus on their own thoughts and potentially own response, “You’re the meanest mommy ever,” being one of the all time favorites!

I also learned that my kids listen best when I speak in a tone that doesn’t hurt their ears or scare their minds; when I use a tone that invites them in and encourages them to listen. Does yelling do any of those things? Again, um, nope, not really. I mean gosh, whenever I have been yelled at, whether as a child or adult, my response has basically been piss off! Yelling doesn’t motivate me to change, it motivates me to do anything but change! It motivates me to tune out the messenger…fast! And it motivates me to be stubborn and difficult, which by the way, I am wicked good at and which double by the way is a trait my children inherited. So no, yelling doesn’t work for me – it actually works against me!

You know, I often think of the Peanuts cartoons when I think of what actually happens when I yell at my kids. I think of how in the cartoons the kids only hear, “Wah, wah, wah!” That’s like my kids when I am yelling!! Yes, they hear the yelling, they get the message I’m pissed, but because my yelling pushed them to tune me out, they don’t get the rest of the message, the lesson that I am really, really, really trying to share. They don’t hear, “STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER NOW IT’S NOT NICE.” Instead, if I am lucky, all they hear is, “stop hitting, wah wah, wah, wah!”

Is it great they get the message stop hitting?! Heck yeah! But I’ve learned that if at the same time – the time when the behavior I want to change is happening – they don’t also get the message that it isn’t nice, that hitting isn’t how we treat people, etc… it’s hard for them to make the connection between the bad behavior and the lesson. It’s hard for them to internalize the lesson and therefore make the right decision the next time.

So again, yelling doesn’t work as “intended” to, which is to say, it doesn’t stop behavior for the long haul. Yelling simply doesn’t open doors for communication and learning, but rather, it closes them.

Okay, except maybe in one situation. We all know my book is titled “Yell Less, Love More.” That’s because yells will happen. In those yelling moments we might not teach and we might close doors to learning but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be re-opened. They can be…immediately after the yell. Then is the best time to teach an entirely different, unintended lesson: mistakes happen and when they do, we need to apologize.

(Maybe I did share my opinion after all, eh?! And no, that was not intended!)

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Want to Yell Less and Love More and learn more of some of the lessons that helped me stop yelling at my kids? Check out my book, which is part memoir, part journal, part physical reminder to not yell! It is available here. It is a 30-Day Guide to help you on your own journey to discover your yelling triggers and and to create a plan to manage them. Filled with honest stories to inspire you and remind you that you are not alone in your struggle with yelling, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” also shares 100 of my favorite alternatives to yelling and my favorite tools.

Seeing as Saturday is Valentine’s Day and all, I thought I would hop on and share these two adorable stories from the last 24 hours.

First, this morning my 5 year old had to take his last dose of nasty medicine for his lung/chest/whatever you want to call it infection. The deal is he gets a cookie if he does so without spitting it out. Nope, I am so not over bribing when medicine is involved 🙂 Anywho, he picked a chocolate chip cookie with M&M’s in it. He took his medicine like a champ, then chomped away on his prized cookie, also like a champ. As I frantically tried to pack 3 lunches and became lost in the “blech it is so late are we gonna make it on time” madness that school morning’s bring, this sweet little boy wandered back over to me.

“Here mommy. I saved the last bite of the cookie for you because it has an orange M&M. You know, Orange Rhino.”

Heart. Melt. Love this kiddo! (And let’s be honest, I equally loved having a cookie at seven in the morning!)

Now lets go back another 12 or so hours to two nights before my older sons’ school Valentine’s Day parties. The following conversation ensued:

Me: “So boys, what do you want to put with your cards that is not candy as I totally forgot that candy wasn’t allowed?”

(Now mind you, it was a MIRACLE that it was 2 days before and I had bought cards, bought candy, and knew where both were. In fact, this year I bought supplies weeks in advance. Of course, as it turned out I bought inappropriate supplies but whatever. I bought supplies that were already done, as in pre-made cards from CVS instead of cutting out hearts and making Valentine’s. This is a huge thing for me. A huge, gigantic step for Sheila-kind. I love making Valentine’s and think not one ill thought of anyone who does. But this year, I just didn’t have the time or energy to indulge my creative gene and needed to let go of my perfect ideal of Valentine’s Day cards and get ‘help’ by buying them. So I did and I was uber proud of myself.)

James, 2nd grade: “What about bouncing balls?”
Me: “Um, I don’t think so. I can’t imagine many other parents would appreciate that gesture as I know bouncy balls drive me bonkers!”

Edward, 1st grade: “Well then how about Orange Rhino balls? You know the ones I see you squeezing all the time that kind of bounce?” (Hahahaha!)
Me: “Clever solution sweetie but I don’t have enough. What about tattoos guys? You like those?”

James: “Yes, how about The Orange Rhino Tattoos’s? You know, love more, all that stuff. It’s perfect for Valentine’s Day which is about love.”
Edward: “YES! Perfect!”
Me: “Brilliant! I love it! Orange Rhino Tattoos it is. Now lets find your cards and attach them.”

So as luck would have it, somehow, I had Edward’s but James’ were totally missing, as in not in the box I put them in the night before. What the ?!?! Man, all my planning went out the window. Uber disappointment. Back up plan: go to CVS today and buy more. Well that utterly failed. So I promised myself I would go to Staples, get some envelopes for the Tattoos and make it simple. Well wouldn’t ya know. I forgot to go to Staples today so come 6:00 tonight when I realized I (1) didn’t go to Staples and (2) didn’t have Valentine’s for James to work on I panicked. Not James though. We’ll make them. Right. Because I have the supplies on hand?!

“Alright James. Lets go raid my office and see what stuff I have to make your cards that can also hold Tattoos!” And voila, this is what we found! Tags to print so no extra cutting involved: WIN! Backs with ribbons on as ties already: WIN! Instant Orange Rhino Love More Valentine’s Day cards made. And I am not gonna lie, this was the best “mistake” ever as I am in love with the fact that my boys wanted to do an Orange Rhino something-or-other for Valentine’s Day because of the symbolism! Total win! They get the put about what not yelling achieves: loving more!!! (And I am not gonna lie, I love that James sat and designed the card with me – totally something I love to do!!)

So there you have it. Not all “mess-ups” are mess-ups. Sometimes they are just opportunities to be discovered. Eh hem, like the moment you yelled and thought it was a screw up. Nah, just a chance to learn what triggered you and then plan how to fix it.

And on that note, off to bed as this Orange Rhino is tuckered out 🙂

Happy Almost Valentine’s Day

Originally posted January 28, 2013. Re-posted today, day 496 of being yelling free. My potty trained son just looked at me and said he had to pee. I said go to the bathroom. He said “Nope, don’t want to” and proceeded to pee all over the floor. I was pissed. Ha! Pun intended. I wanted to yell but instead mumbled to myself, well, “at least it was on the tile floor and not the rug. That would have been a real pain.” It reminded me of this post which is one of my favorites….

Dear Perspective,

It’s so nice to have breakfast with you. Whenever I start the day with you by my side, not yelling comes so much easier. I remember that kids are just kids. I remember that spilled cereal isn’t the end of the world. I remember that it’s more important to have a good good-bye than a rushed one. I remember that not yelling is what matters to me more than not cleaning up. Yes perspective, you have been a dear friend of mine during this no-yelling challenge. You are welcome to come for breakfast, lunch and dinner any time. Just know that my house isn’t always clean and that I am an awful cook.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

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I remember crying my eyes out on Thanksgiving this past year. There was a commercial for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. I don’t recall the exact details but the message was clear: yes, this little boy just ran into the house with mud all over his shoes but a year ago he was in a hospital bed and didn’t have the energy to even get out of bed. The mud? It doesn’t matter. The fact that he can now walk? That matters. While the main message was all about the power of St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, I took home a secondary message as well.

The Power of Perspective.

This wasn’t a new lesson to me. I realized on Day 3, take 2 (I think) of my Orange Rhino Challenge the importance of perspective. Just tonight I found a half written post about the subject. Why I never finished it I don’t know. Maybe because I knew that the power of perspective had such a profound impact on me that I feared I wouldn’t find the right words to express how I felt.

I wrote this: “Perspective. That’s all I need. 8 out of 10 times I’m yelling for no reason at all. For example, the fact that #3 is learning to feed himself is more important than the fact that the baby just crawled in the syrup that dripped off the piece of waffle that fell on the table after it fell off the fork.” I didn’t finish the middle of the post but did write an ending:

“Somehow I made it through today without yelling. And trust me, today the odds were stacked against me. But I did it. And I think it is all because of Perspective. I stopped and looked at things differently and that made all the difference.”

Here I am 353 days after that initial attempt at a post still struggling to find the perfect words to express just how important the role of perspective played in this challenge and how I went about finding said perspective. And I can’t find all the words. But I can find two.

At least.

These are my two new favorite words.  Seriously. Add it to any moment you want to yell and voila! life seems easier as it is filled with newfound perspective. Here’s a little perspective that keeps me from yelling day after day after day!

“Oh there is syrup dripping on the floor….at least the entire bottle isn’t dripping.”

“Oh he is climbing on the table… at least he isn’t hanging by the chandelier.”

“Oh he destroyed his bedroom…at least his brothers didn’t copy him.”

“Oh my life is so crazy with three kids with different therapy needs…at least they are in my life to love.”

I could go on and on and on. I think I will, at least for a bit. Here is a little more perspective.

“Ugh. I have 362 days left of this challenge…hey, at least I have gone 3 days that is better than none.”

“Ugh. I yelled today…hey at least I am trying to not yell.”

“Ugh. I still don’t like how this post is turning out…hey at least it will be done and off my mental to-do list that is bogging you down!”

See, at least really works wonders. Does at least not suit your fancy? Substitute any other word or phrase that helps you see spin the situation into positive light. My other popular choice? I’m grateful.

“It seems I have so many triggers…hey I’m grateful that I know who I am and what I need to work on.”

No matter what words you choose, the power of perspective remains the same.

Is it always easy to find perspective when things are rough? Is it always easy to stop and say at least or I’m grateful and keep on going? No, it isn’t. Sometimes the moment is too frustrating to be able to find perspective, to even want to find perspective. And sometimes it takes me longer to find perspective than I wish. Some moments it takes 3 seconds, other times 3 hours, or even 3 days.  But when I finally find that perspective, I truly feel a weight lifted. I feel a sense of peace and calm that allows me to parent with more patience and love. Do I care that if it took me longer than desired to get to that moment, or that it was hard to get there? Nope. Because at least I got there!