How I stop myself from Yelling at my Kids

Posted on May 22, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

105 days without yelling, 250 to go!

Dear Long Days, Short Years,

This one is for you! Yup, more than half the time my yelling has nothing to do with my kids but everything to do with myself. I think that is what makes it so hard – to not yell means to admit that I need to deal with myself too! Ugh, you mean I have to take responsibility for my behavior and not always blame the kids?!

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

I almost kissed day 105 goodbye today. Just like that. No advance warning really. The kids weren’t on my nerves. The day was going fineish. All of a sudden I almost SCREAMED at them.

Why? Were they yelling? Nope. Were they hurting each other? Nope. Were they picking on each other? Nope. (Not at this point at least). They were just being kids – running around outside knocking bamboo shoots down in the backyard and slamming the kitchen door as they came in and out with their wet muddy boots excited to tell me they were “saving” the swing set from the overgrown bamboo.

Truly, they really weren’t on my nerves. I actually found their teamwork to “saw” down the bamboo very cute and their dedication to the “very urgent matter” adorable.

And then the phone rang. It was my husband calling to remind me to pay bills.

As soon as I hung up the phone, the kitchen door slammed again as three pair of squeaky boots sloshed across the kitchen to go save the swing set. Door slam, enter anger. My blood started boiling. I put the baby down and started walking rather briskly and loudly to open the aforementioned slammed door to yell at my boys.

My mouth opened and just as my non-orange rhino voice got ready to scream “ENOUGH ALREADY. CLOSE THE FRIGGIN’ DOOR. YOU ARE EITHER IN OR YOU’RE OUT. AND GET READY TO HELP ME CLEAN THE FLOOR!” this “cute little orange rhino” with four birds popped into my head and said to me:

“Don’t do it. Don’t yell! You are not really mad at the kids. You are just overwhelmed and frustrated because well crap, you don’t feel like paying the bills and checking the budget, it’s just one more thing to do today and double crap you can’t seem to get anything done today and triple crap, you just don’t want to do it in the first place. Oh, and don’t forget you are just extra on edge because #4 has been in your arms crying for 30 minutes. Straight. ”

Well, that “cute little orange rhino” was right. I wasn’t annoyed at the kids. I was just so frustrated at that moment that my patience and tolerance (one in the same?) went from decent to virtually non-existent. My anger had nothing to do with my boys. Nothing. Was the door slamming loud and obnoxious? Yes. Was the floor going to be a pain to clean, for the third time that day? Yes. But did those two things really matter? Did they really make me so mad that I wanted to yell? Nope. I was just in a twit and easily agitated.

As a matter of fact, I’ve found much more often than not that when I suddenly feel like I want to yell that it has nothing to do with the kids but that it has to do with me. That one of my personal triggers has been set off.

Today’s winning trigger? Having too much to do. It gets me in a twit every time. Without fail. About once a day. On a good day. Every day the “cute little orange rhino” comes and has a talk with me reminding me I am not angry at the kids, that I am just in a twit, that I just have to admit that one of my personal triggers has been set off. The little orange rhino (ok, me) then mentally goes through my list of triggers that I outlined weeks ago until I realize AHA! That is why I am twitting. That is why I want to yell. It really isn’t my kids making me want to scream! It’s blah, blah blah…

Slowly revealing all my personal triggers that make me want to yell...

It’s hard to admit sometimes that I am the problem and not my kids. But what is EASY is now that I have taken the time to list MY triggers, it is EASY to identify them and EASIER (emphasis on the -ER) to stop them from setting off a full force volcanic eruption.

So there you have it. That is how I stop one of my personal triggers from going off – I talk to myself, in my head and out loud! I simply acknowledge the real trigger and then I actually say it out loud. “I am not mad at the kids, I am just overwhelmed by having too much to do.” Or “I am not mad at #4 I just wish I could understand him better.” Or “I am not mad at my kids I am just tired from going out last night and um, drinking too much wine with my girlfriends.”

There is something “magical” about saying it out loud, about hearing myself admit why I am really angry/annoyed/twitting, why it isn’t the kid’s fault. I wish I could say why it works, but I can’t. I can just say that it does.I *think* because it stops me in my tracks, forces me to refocus my attention AWAY from my kids and back onto problem solving. Onto finding an alternative to yelling, like stomping my feet, splashing cold water on my face or any other silly distraction that hits me at the moment. And sometimes, no alternative is needed. Just hearing myself say out loud that I am not mad at my kids IS the alternative to yelling!

Now if my kids are legitimately the source of my anger (oh say like tonight, when #2 looked #3 squarely in the eyes and then pinched him for no reason), then I have an entirely different method of handling. I’ll save that for another rainy day….

Happy Mom, Happy Baby

Posted on May 22, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

Hello! To all my readers not on Facebook I wanted to share this link with you:

http://mommybabyspot.wordpress.com/2012/05/22/one-moms-story-of-discovering-happiness/

This is my story about my (not) Breastfeeding experience and the incredibly painful emotions I felt as a result of my struggle. While this blog post is directly about breastfeeding, it really is about so much more. Have a read…the take away can actually be applied to not yelling too. If I’m not happy then I am much more apt to yell and my kiddos are not much more apt, but guaranteed to be not happy! Thanks for reading and thanks Mommy Baby Spot for letting me guest blog and tell me story. It’s been weighing on my chest for 5.5 years and just sharing it makes me feel happier!

Happy mom, Happy Baby!

Zonked after trying so hard to breastfeed...

My “Cruella” Tendencies

Posted on May 20, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

101 days of not yelling, 264 days of LOVING MORE to go…

Dear Disney,

Congratulations! You created such a smashing move in 101 Dalmations that whenever I hear the number 101, I think of all those cute puppies. And then often times I think of Cruella De Vil. The mean, awful wretch of a woman who didn’t just scare the puppies, but who scared the bejeezers out of me as a child. She was intimidating, angry, scary, rude and so much more. I couldn’t fully watch 101 Dalmations until I outgrew my fear of her. Which took a while. And she wasn’t even real, but oh was she nasty! Now that I am older, she doesn’t scare me, instead she scares my children. And not because they have seen the movie. But because I have acted like her. A lot. A lot more than I like to admit. While I used to do a phenomenal impersonation of Cruella’s nasty voice, please don’t ever call me for a voice over. I’d rather never use that voice again.

Thanks for understanding,
The Orange Rhino

I haven’t thought about Cruella in ages. But now that I am doing this Challenge, now that I am on 101 days of not yelling, the imagery of Cruella De Vil has come back.

Huh? What is the connection? Isn’t The Orange Rhino Challenge about loving more? Yes it is. Stay with me. This is how my brain works: 101 Days à 101 Dalmations à Cruella à She was so mean and scary à Wow. That is HOW I used to be when I entered the Level 6 and Level 7 Yelling Zones. Mean and Scary. Mean and Scary sounding. Mean and Scary looking. Just admitting I was that way sounds as ugly as Cruella looks.

Um, pretty certain I've looked just like that. Pointing finger and all.

And it sounds even uglier when my kids used to say it to me after I yelled.

“Mommy, stop yelling at us, you’re so mean.”

“Mommy, stop yelling, you scared me.”

“Mommy, I don’t love you anymore. You hurt my feelings.”

And the best one liner from my wonderfully perceptive 5 year old:

“Mommy, you don’t yell at people you love.”

Ugh. Thankfully I am now on 101 days of Not Yelling, of loving more, and thankfully these sayings from my children have ceased. (But have no fear, I am still sometimes told that they don’t love me anymore. You know, because I didn’t let them have three scoops of ice cream. For breakfast.)

And to be clear, lest you think I was a total Villain, I was not as horrific as Cruella (and neither are any of you!) She just comes to mind because I too was angry, intimidating, rude and scary when I yelled AND because I read on Wikipedia or something like that, that “Cruella is not a schemer. Instead, she acts purely on impulse and is thus prone to reckless behavior” and that was SO me.

I struggled with finding the impulse control to not yell. Yelling is SO easy. When I was tired, frustrated, moody, lonely, overwhelmed, fill in the blank…my impulse control went right out the window and reckless behavior, in terms of yelling/screaming came right in, without missing a beat. It never even knocked as a warning. It just came right in, unannounced. How rude!

Hello!!! I'm here! Mrs. Reckless behavior, ready to yell and be nasty. Hahahahaha!

Learning to control my impulses truly couldn’t come at a better time.

You see learning not to yell is more than just learning not to be scary, not to be mean, not to be rude. It’s more than just learning to be more patient, more calm, more understanding. It’s about teaching too, like teaching my kids about impulse control.

And right now, my kids really need me to be a better teacher, a better example, because they are all at the age where impulse control is hard as can be. Just today #2 pushed another kid at school. 75% accident. 25% not. The note from the teacher read:

“….impulse control has improved although has not been perfected.”

Hmmmm…seems like I am not the only one working at impulse control.

We are ALL works in progress. Even my kiddos.

I often forget that. I used to forget that A LOT and I think it was a big reason for my Cruella tendencies. Because I expected too much. I expected my KIDS to have perfect behavior an awful lot and when they didn’t, hellooooooo Cruella. “Get off that couch! Clean up your room now! Do what I asked you to do 5 times already!!!”

So on this 101st day I remember Cruella. I remember that I don’t want to be like her anymore. Because she is scary and mean and I want to be calm and loving…even when mad. You know, like a Fairy Godmother.

Bippity, Boppity, Boo! The laundry is done, the house is clean, the to-do is complete, the children are singing kumbaya, nothing to make me yell.

I mean an Orange Rhino…obviously!

As loving and calm as a Fairy Godmother, but more determined and strong, in a good way!

100 Days of Loving More

Posted on May 17, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

May 17, 2012

100 days down, 265 to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos!

I think I am still in shock from the last 48 hours. My heart is pounding, my face has a frozen sh*t eating grin, and I feel all jittery inside! I am totally humbled and excited and overwhelmed and scared all at the same time about all the interest The Orange Rhino Challenge received today! Normally we get about 80 reads per day at our site. Right now with 4ish hours remaining in the day WE are at 892. That is 10+x more than normal!

All because of you all sharing about the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day. I am so touched that people I know, and don’t know, have decided to support me in my promise to my boys to not yell at them for 365 days. And more so, MUCH MORE SO I am thrilled to see that other people are taking the challenge too.

It’s time to TOOT OUR RHINO HORN, loud and proud!!!

We spread the word people about something we all are passionate about – loving our kids more. Because that is what really is at the root of this challenge. Yelling less and LOVING MORE. So today I don’t just celebrate 100 days of not yelling. I celebrate 100 days of LOVING MORE.

As promised, in celebration of today, I will be donating $1.00 per person who participated today up to $200. While only about 40 people literally posted I KNOW that we had at least 200 people reading and actively trying not to yell. So I WILL be donating $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity, a “nonprofit… founded on the conviction that every man, woman and child should have a decent, safe and affordable place to live.” (Habitat for Humanity website). Do you hear that? That’s my Tooting my Rhino Horn to you all. You made that donation happen. Thank you.

As I mentioned in another post, I chose Habitat for Humanity because my Orange Rhino Epiphany was the result of a handyman fixing my house. I’m eternally grateful for that moment. That moment I got caught by the handyman SCREAMING at the top of my lungs to my four kiddos that I love so much. That moment changed my life. And it changed my boys’ lives. And I dream that it will impact my future grandkids lives too. Because I *hope* that my not yelling will trickle down through my sons to future generations. That more loving and less yelling will be felt in the Orange Rhino Family for years and years to come. Here’s hoping. Here’s hoping.

Can you feel the love being passed from Mom to Child?

Cheers (or should I snort?!)

The Orange Rhino

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Wondering what the heck “Toot your Rhino Horn” is all about?

“Toot your Rhino Horn” is your turn to share your progress and by the way, JUST thinking about taking the challenge counts. That is a step in the right direction. That is progress!

Here’s how it works. Every night I will post on the www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino the following…

“It’s time to Toot your Rhino Horn!”

Under that, in the comments section please post your name and the days you’ve completed on The Orange Rhino Challenge, ie, “Elaine – Day 5, Take 1” or “Elaine – Day 1, Take 9”

The way I see it, you deserve to Toot your Rhino Horn just by participating. I can NOT say this enough. This is hard, hard, hard! Don’t discount yourself if you had a bad day. Instead, share and find support and advice (if you want it!)

So whether you’ve completed 15 days or are starting Day 1 over again (for the 9th time, like me in the Beginning), you deserve to post your name for everyone to see that you are trying to be an Orange Rhino. That you are trying to be a mom (or dad) who has the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without yelling!

Remember, each day is a new day…if you have a bad day, like I did on Day 1 Take 7, don’t beat yourself up. Just keep coming back to this page for the support. I’m getting the sense that you’ll, WE’LL, find it!

And always, remember,

“Act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right-about-face which turns us from failure towards success.”
~Dorothea Brande

There is NO FAILURE in the Orange Rhino Challenge. None. Only success. Any parent trying to love more is succeeding. Big time.

So please join me tonight and TOOT YOUR RHINO HORN!

TODAY is “The Orange Rhino Challenge Day!”

Posted on May 17, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

It’s here! If all goes well and I surive the next 14 hours of my 4 boys under 5 being awake then I will have successfully gone 100 days without yelling! Join me today and take the Orange Rhino Challenge…just for 1 day! It took me one day to be hooked, to realize not yelling was indeed something I could learn. Give it a try!

Comment below with your name to show your participation. Check in throughout the day here or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino.

Good luck today!

50 Alternatives to Yelling at your Kids

Posted on May 16, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

99 days without yelling, 266 to go!!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

Let’s face it. I am no expert here. I don’t have a PhD in parenting. I don’t have a PhD in childhood behavior. I don’t have a PhD in therapy. The only PhD I have is that I am a Parent Holding Determination to find solutions to not yelling. On the eve of the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day ever I thought I would share a list of the top 50 fun, silly, serious and other things I have done the last 99 days to keep from yelling. Consider it a cheat sheet for not yelling…or a source of entertainment. Either way I hope you enjoy it!

50 Alternatives to Yelling at your Kids:

Fun Alternatives (Added bonus: I don’t yell and kids start laughing and changing behavior):
1. Run around the house (adrenaline boost)
2. Start talking jibberish (makes kids laugh and stop pummeling each other)
3. Start blowing bubbles (relaxes me, reminds me of childhood and that I should CHILL OUT)
4. Get the camera (forces me to see behavior wasn’t so bad)

5. Laugh. Even if you don’t want to. (laughter is good for the soul)
6. Bang arms on chest like a gorilla (a good release and a great entertainment for kids)
7. Put hand in front of mouth and pretend to “toot” a horn (great attention getter)
8. Do Jump and Jacks (releases positive chemicals or something like that!)
9. Do push ups (see above)
10. Start clapping and keep going until the kids have stopped annoying behavior (a good release)
11. Start drumming on table/counter until rage is gone (a REALLY good release)
12. Start the Hokey Pokey (silliness can snap anyone out of it)
13. Start a Dance Party (adrenaline + fun, what’s not to love?)
14. Sing. I especially like “La la la, la la, la LAAAAA” (it’s unexpected which works wonders)
15. Pretend to have Laryngitis (silence also works wonders)

“I look like a Fool” Alternatives:
16. Yell into a Closet (clothes don’t have feelings)
17. Yell into a Kitchen Cabinet (cereal boxes don’t have feelings either)
18. Open up the freezer and put head in (it cools me down and snaps me out of my mood and makes kids laugh)
19. Raise two hands in the air (it gets kids attention, like a warning signal that I’m about to blow)

20. Go to the bathroom and scream into the toilet, then flush it away ( um symbolic?)

21. Shake body, arms and legs (like The
Wiggles, Shake shake Shake your silly’s out)

22. Get on back and put legs and arms in the air and howl like a Dog (yes, I did this, read here)

“I’ll be considered a bad parent” Alternatives:
23. Put the TV on for longer than normally feels okay at moments that are especially dreadful (Sometimes TV is better than yelling, right?)
24. Have ice cream sundaes together (Fun family activity makes me want to have fun, not yell)
25. Start the day with Orange Yogurt (A very small food coloring goes a long way)

I don’t know how to categorize Alternatives:
26. Go to The Orange Rhino Facebook page and yell there… (that’s what the page is for!)
27. Text a friend announcing you’re going to lose it (hopefully he/she will say “don’t!!)
28. Set up phone calendar to notify you every 30 min to not yell. (annoying but helpful)
29. Stare at something in room that you love. (finding happy moments erases anger)
30. Ask your child WHY are you crying? (the response will make you give a hug instead)
31. Ask your child WHY are you doing that? (the response might make you understand behavior and make your desire to yell decrease)
32. Tell yourself “I won’t yell. I won’t yell.” (Tricks you into believing you won’t!)
33. Say “I love you. I love you. I love you.” (Hard to yell when you realize you love someone).

More Serious/Expected Alternatives:
34. Count to 10. Or 100. Or 1000 until you calm down. (forces one to regroup and get perspective)
35. Walk away (more opportunity to gain perspective)
36. Take a deep breath (if one is breathing, one can’t yell!)
37. Whisper (don’t know why this works, it just does!)
38. Turn the Lights off (the shocking factor stops kids in tracks and adds calmness)
39. Eat (Food in mouth, mouth can’t yell. major pros, major cons, um hello 5 pounds)
40. Keep a journal and write why you want to scream (paper is a great listener)
41. Grab your hands together and squeeze (a great release)

How I remind myself not to yell:
42. Buy orange napkins and keep in the kitchen
43. Buy (or receive for Mother’s Day!) orange kitchen towels
44. Wear more orange (necklace, clothes)
45. Put orange post it notes all over the house ESPECIALLY where one is apt to yell

46. Print out Orange Rhino Logo, attach popsicle sticks and have Kids hold it up when crankiness starts

47. Get kids involved! Have them yell “ORANGE RHINO!!!” when they sense the volcanic eruption coming!

48. Wear an orange hair elastic around wrist

49. Place orange flowers in a vase in kitchen

50. Serve Orange Foods (oranges, peaches, cheese, Cheez its, carrots)

So there you have it. 50 things I have tested in order to keep myself from yelling. Clearly, it has taken A LOT of creativity. And A LOT of patience. And A LOT of self control. But hey, my kids are worth it. They totally deserve to be raised in a more loving environment.

ORANGE you glad you read this post? Sorry, couldn’t resist. I hope so. Good luck tomorrow!!! it’s just one day. You can do it.

“The Orange Rhino Challenge: I can’t yell for 365 days…but I can still pick me nose!”

For more details on The Orange Rhino Challenge click here. For more details on what The Orange Rhino is click here:

*
Remember, here is how to participate in the 1^st Orange Rhino Challenge Day on May 17, 2012:

1) “Post” your name to show your participation on the morning of May 17^th in one of four ways: Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino) , Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com , Email me attheorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com, or Tweet me at ORchallenge. At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went.

2) Find Support and Give Support throughout the day by logging on to your method of communication. Feel like yelling? Yell at me. Need advice on how to survive the day? Ask the community. Want encouragement? Seek it from us. This is a day for all parents who want to be Orange Rhinos, who want to be parents who have the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling!

3) Get 3-5 friends to take this ONE DAY challenge with you. Why? Besides the fact that it will help you make it through the day if you text each other and support each other, instead of throwing a 100 day party for myself (and using the money I have saved from future therapy bills for my children!) I am going to DONATE $1.00 per person up to $200 to Habitat for Humanity for every person that participates. Why a charitable donation and why Habitat for Humanity? Well, truthfully, I feel like giving back. I’ve gotten so much out of this Challenge that it is time to give back. As for Habitat, well, if it weren’t for my being able to do home improvements to my house, I would never have had the Epiphany (https://theorangerhino.com/the-epiphany/) that started this Challenge in the first place.

4) Change your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge image to spread the word and to get people asking you about what you are doing further getting you support! It’s amazing how people rooting for you can really help. Save this image below and upload to FB. If this doesn’t work, then this image is also on my blog. Go to www.TheOrangeRhino.com. This “button” is on the right.

5) Read the Following Posts about what defines yelling and some ways I have learned not to yell to help you

https://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/ (definition of yelling per this challenge)
https://theorangerhino.com/you-never-know/ (inspiration to try)
https://theorangerhino.com/orange-rhino-mommy/ (my favorite source of help not yelling)
https://theorangerhino.com/three-fun-alternatives-to-yelling-at-my-kids/ (self explanatory!)
https://theorangerhino.com/sing-my-emotion/ (way not to yell, inspiration)
https://theorangerhino.com/why-the-big-tears/ (way not to yell, inspiration)

GOOD LUCK!!!

The Orange Rhino Challenge Day

Posted on May 15, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

MARK YOUR e-CALENDARS!
SHARE it on FACEBOOK!
TWEET about IT!
PINTEREST it.

Whatever you do, just spread the word that

This Thursday May 17^th, 2012 is the 1^st official “The Orange Rhino Challenge Day” one day where I encourage everyone to take a break from yelling at their kids. To try and go 24 hours without yelling at their kids.

I know it sounds daunting. But I promise you, it is worth giving a try. How do I know? Because this Thursday, I, the Orange Rhino will be celebrating 100 DAYS without yelling at my kids. 100 Days of LOVING MORE. I have experienced firsthand how hard it is too change the nasty habit of yelling at my kids AND I have experienced just how awesome it is to no longer consider myself a yeller.

Here are the details of how you can participate:

1) “Post” your name to show your participation on the morning of May 17^th in one of four ways: Post at The Orange Rhino Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino) , Comment on Thursday mornings Blog Post at www.TheOrangeRhino.com , Email me at theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com, or Tweet me at ORchallenge. At the end of the day, Post AGAIN to say how the day went.

4) Change your FB Profile picture to The Orange Rhino Challenge image to spread the word and to get people asking you about what you are doing further getting you support! It’s amazing how people rooting for you can really help. Go to the BUTTON picture in the right column of my blog and Save As. Then upload it to FB.

5) Read the Following Posts about what defines yelling and some ways I have learned not to yell to help you (and go to www.TheOrangeRhino.com on Wednesday night for more useful posts…)

I know not yelling even just for one day sounds laughable. Trust me, I know. I used to yell oh say once an hour, on a good day?! But 117+ days ago on Friday, January 20, 2012 after our handyman busted me yelling at my 4 boys, I had an epiphany; I yell at my kids much more than I like. The next day I committed to going 365 days without yelling. It has not been easy and that first day was BRUTAL. I felt beat up come 7:00. But I did it. I did it. And it felt so fantastic that I was thirsty for more. I knew it was going to take a lot of hard work to go 365 days but I also knew that my kids were worth it. They deserve a mom who loves more and yells less.

After many starts and re-starts I am excited to say that this Thursday I will celebrate 100 days without yelling at my kids.

100 days. I NEVER thought it would be possible. Never. I was (am?!) a yeller beyond belief. I yelled at big things (hitting each other, not listening, potty talk) and really little things (crumbs on the floor, legos dumped out, taking too long to eat). It was out of control, I was not the mom I wanted to be and my children were suffering as a result. Yet here I am, almost at 100 days and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate than sharing this joy with others hence the creation of this day.

You see, as hard as it has been, not yelling at my kids has been the greatest gift. Read here to see how I felt after 10 days of not yelling: https://theorangerhino.com/can-you-feel-the-love/ I feel SO MUCH BETTER about myself as a parent and I know my kids feel so much better about me as a mom. It’s a win win. There is simply more love going around and I want everyone to experience what I am feeling.

I hear often from people that they too want to change, that they really wish they didn’t yell but that they truly don’t think they can change. So this is your chance. Just try it for a day. Commit to ONE DAY of not yelling. It will be a HARD day, I’m not gonna lie, BUT it will be worth it. After my first day I literally felt high on life and I floated around the house with excitement. Excitement for the future. For the future improvement in my relationship with my kids. The future improvement of me as a parent. The future improvement of having a quieter, calmer, more loving home.

So just try it. It took me just 1 day of not yelling at kids to realize that while hard, YES I COULD learn to not yell at them. And so you can you.

“You may never know what results come from your action. But if you do nothing, there will be no result.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

www.TheOrangeRhino.com
I can’t yell for 365 days…but I can still pick my nose!

Red in the Face

Posted on May 14, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

97 days down, 268 to go!

Dear #2,

I swear. I didn’t mean to snap at you today. It’s just that well, I am exhausted. Despite all my efforts to get some rest, to get some resemblance of energy back, I am wiped. I took a two hour nap yesterday and got 8 hours of sleep last night. I ate all my protein and vegetables today and even drank extra water. Oh, and I went for two walks to “revive” myself. Yet here I am exhausted and snappy. I’m doing my best to be nicer to you and your brothers, to be more patient. I promise.

I love you,
Mommy Orange Rhino

Ugh. Parental Exhaustion. I don’t need to tell you that raising kids is physically and mentally exhausting. The not sleeping through the night, or the sleeping through but being woken at 5 am. The going up and down stair to get dry clothes because milk “accidentally” spilled. The holding a teething baby all day. The going to and from appointments all day. The being on my feet all day making meals, cleaning up meals, making meals again. The physically breaking up fights over who gets what train.

And then there is the mentally exhausting part. The non-stop worrying about whether or not my child is normal. The non-stop thinking about how I can better help my son. The non-stop talking to myself to NOT YELL. The non-stop talking to MY BOYS to not yell. The non-stop re-directing of their not so good behavior to better behavior. It’s all exhausting. And lately, it’s taking a toll.

The combination of physical and mental parental exhaustion is squashing my ability to handle my darling four energetic, loud, loving boys with as much poise and grace as I wish. Sure, I didn’t yell today and that makes me happy. And yes, I only snapped and it was luckily a level 4 but still. That snap made me feel awful.

Here’s the Scene.

Party City at 11:35 am approximately 25 minutes before lunch time. Three children have just had two chicken nuggets each as their stomachs were growling in the car and I knew that DESPITE the snacks they had at 10:30 that they were not going to make it to 12:15 peacefully. So we hit Wendy’s drive-thru. Nuggets for them, super duper extra large as can be Diet Coke for myself.

Not five minutes into Party City #2 starts in. “I’m hungry. I’m hungry. I’m hungry”

Me: “No you’re not.” I snapped and then luckily caught myself before a tirade started. I continued calmer,

“You just had a snack. And you had a snack an hour ago. You can wait 30 minutes.”

#2: “No, I am REALLY really hungry.” His voice is getting louder and shriller, enough so that people are looking and #1 is starting to cover his ears.

I purposely ignore him and continue looking at baby shower favors because I am finding it uber important to pick the perfect pink container, and quite frankly not only do I not want to be bothered, but also I don’t believe him. #2 is known for crying wolf when it comes to being hungry. Plus, I’m also ignoring him because we are trying hard to not cave into his whining, which is his preferred method of communication.

But finally, something in his voice sounded serious. Like I needed to stop being pre-occupied with my errand and focus on my son. You know that urgency you hear in a child’s voice right before he is going to throw up? Or the one where he is about to pee in his pants, in the middle of Target? The one that makes you stop everything and RUN?! That is what his voice sounded like.

I turned around. Oh my poor, sweet thing.

He was RED and I mean RED in the face. He was clenching his fists, clenching his teeth and trying so hard not to scream, not to have a tantrum. His eyes were full of tears and more were spilling down his hot cheeks. Here he had been trying so hard to communicate to me what he needed and how did I reward his behavior?I snapped at him which I am pretty sure ignited the very angry, very exasperated RED face.

Oh sh*t I thought to myself, I’m a schmuck. I didn’t snap bad but still, I snapped unnecessarily. I mean look at that face. So upset. So sweet. So loveable. So not deserving of my snapping because of MY exhaustion. Only deserving of my patience and love.

I scooped him up and gave him a huge hug.

“I’m sorry sweetie. You really are hungry, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I was trying nicely to tell you but you wouldn’t listen.” Sob, sob.

Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Just awful.

And I blame my exhaustion. Truly. I don’t blame him for whining. That isn’t what made me snap. Sure, it irritated me, but it didn’t make me snap. I let myself snap. I am simply 110% completely wiped out, physically and mentally, and as a result am snapping more and having to work twice as hard not to yell which of course makes me even more wiped out which makes me snap more. Sigh. It’s a vicious cycle.

And one of the first things I learned on this challenge is that when I am wiped, all bets are off. I have less self control, I am more impatient, more easily annoyed, more of everything but more loving. So I have been making the choice to put some things on the back burner (like blogging and folding laundry) so that I can relax at night and go to bed earlier, all so that I can be a more pleasant parent tomorrow, you know, all so that I can be an Orange Rhino. Lets hope my plan works because this exhausted state of mine? It needs to improve, like, yesterday.

The mom I want to be, but Never will be

Posted on May 10, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

93 days down, 272 day to go!

Dear Jennifer,

I often feel inadequate as a mom and when I feel this way I become preoccupied thinking about all the ways that I am not the mom I dream of being, all the ways that I am not the mom I used to be when I had just 1 child vs 4, all the ways that I am not the mom that I think I should be. This preoccupation takes over leaving me mentally unable to focus on my kids in the way they deserve. In other words, when I am in a twit over not being a good enough mom, I quickly become more impatient with my boys which most certainly doesn’t make me be the mom I want to be. You asked me what some of my triggers are for yelling? Well this preoccupation with being inadequate? It’s one of my biggest triggers.

Thoughts?
The Orange Rhino

I want to be a mom who wakes up and has time to shower and make herself look not just presentable, but pretty. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never look pulled together with blown dry hair and fashion forward outfits because while I wish to look that way, it isn’t truly that important to me. I will always have my hair in a braid, a hole in my jeans, a two seasons ago shirt and a belt that is well, more than 2 seasons old. And that is OK. Because my kids think I am pretty just the way I am.

I want to be a mom who puts aside her to do list to get down and play on the floor with her boys. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never rough house with them or play freeze tag as much as they like because I much prefer, and take great joy, in watching them play and have fun with each other. And that is OK. Because I will still hug them, kiss them, and tell them how proud and happy I am to see them playing together.

I want to be a mom that knows how to make crazy Lego buildings, how to chase after Dragons, how to play Star Wars. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never build a Lego creation the way my husband does, I will never spontaneously chase after Dragons with a laser or think to build a fort. And that is OK. Because I will make ice cream cones out of play doh with my boys and chase after falling leaves and snowflakes with them.

I want to be a mom who feels like she knows how to be a mom to boys, who doesn’t think that if she had girls she would know how to be a better mother because she would know how to play tea and dolls and do all things girlie. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never be a mom who truly feels she knows how to be a mom to boys and I don’t think I would feel like I knew how to be a mom to girls either, because being a mom is not just about knowing what kind of activities my kids like to do, it is about knowing what makes my boys happy, what makes them sad, how I can help them, how I can protect them. It is a daily learning process and I’ll never know everything about being a mom. And that is OK. Because I do already know how to love my boys, that is one thing I don’t need to learn.

I want to be a mom that plans fun outings ahead of time, that plans playdates, that plans period. But I will never be that mom. I will most likely never plan ahead because it overwhelms me and because well, I am not good at managing my time. And that is OK. Because I love to stay home and just talk with my kids. I love to ask them questions about their day, to answer their questions, to hear their little conversations.

I want to be a mom that cooks well balanced meals that my pediatrician would approve of. Scratch that. I want to be a mom that cooks anything besides Macaroni and Cheese and Chicken Nuggets. But I will never be that mom. I will probably never consistently cook healthy meals like my mom and my Nana used to. And that is OK. Because someday I will learn how to cook beyond the basics and until then ’ll keep teaching my boys how to bake the “yummiest cookies ever,” remembering the key ingredients are always love and patience.

I want to be a mom that does cute arts and crafts projects more often and remembers to send them to the grandparents. I will never be that mom. I will most likely never do lots of arts and crafts projects that would make Martha Stewart proud because I am too scatterbrained to remember to buy the art materials in the first place. And that is OK. Because when my kids bring their art projects home, I praise them and hang them proudly up on the kitchen wall.

I want to be a mom that reads books more, practices ABC’s more, sings more, dances more, laughs more. I will never be that mom. I will most likely never be able to do all the extra’s because there aren’t enough hours in the day. And that is OK. Because I will do my best and I will enjoy the moments when I do read, dance, and laugh. And as long as my kids feel loved, and have learned what love is and how to love, I am okay if they learn their ABC’s late.

I want to be a mom who doesn’t feel inadequate. Who doesn’t look at her friends and strangers and say, wow, they are great moms, why aren’t I like them? But instead looks at them, and says wow, they are great moms and so am I.

So am I.

I am a good mom.

I might never be the mom I dream of being, but right now I can be the mom that I am. I might not be a lot of things I wish to be, but at the same time, I still am a lot of good things. I didn’t cook a perfectly balanced dinner tonight, but I did manage to not yell at my kids today and I am going to keep trying not to. I didn’t take my kids to the park yesterday, but I did talk with them while on a spontaneous family walk this morning.

You see, I find it so easy, too easy, to look in the mirror and see ALL the reasons why I am not a good mom, why I am not living up to my ridiculous ideal of what a mother should be. This Mother’s Day, as a gift to myself, I am going to look in the mirror and tell myself that I am a good mom, that I might not be the mom that I envision, but that I am still a good mom. And I hope you do the same.

Prioritize? How?

Posted on May 9, 2012 by The Orange Rhino

92 days down, 273 days to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I am doing something entirely new tonight. Normally, I write a blog post, read it a few times, try to edit it, and then I post it with hopes that someone will read it. Tonight, I have stared at my Microsoft Word blank screen for nearly an hour now. I have so much I want to write about. So many emotions that I want to share. So many insights I want to share. So many struggles that I want to share…that I am paralyzed. Paralyzed with fear that what I write won’t sound right. Paralyzed with fear that what I write WILL sound right and that I won’t want to read what I wrote. So tonight, there is no Microsoft Word. Tonight I am treating this blog as it should be, a dear diary. I am writing completely off the cuff. Whatever comes out, comes out. Let’s just hope it is decent.

…
The Orange Rhino

*
Dear Diary,

Tonight during the “Time to Toot Your Rhino Horn” on Facebook two people spoke about wanting to cry. Well, I share that sentiment. I don’t know why but this week, I just can’t get my mojo going and I too just want to cry. It’s too much. It’s so much. My to-do list is never ending. I know that I am supposed to prioritize and focus on the most important items, but what do you do when it is all important? How do you decide then?

Any to-do having to do with my children is important. Any to-do having to do with keeping me happy so that I can be a happy mom, is important. Any to-do having to do with my friends and family, the ones who support me and love me, is important.

So here I am. With a to-do list of all important things, doing nothing. Because I suck at prioritizing. Is it that, or is that it is hard to prioritize friends, family, children and one self? Or is it that there truly aren’t enough hours in the day, no matter how good one is at prioritizing? I don’t know. I just know that right now, this week, I am so overwhelmed that I am walking around in circles, doing nothing which obviously isn’t helping the matter. And well, it’s not that I am doing nothing. It’s just that my days are so FULL that there is little time to get to anything BUT the basics. Like taking care of the kids. Like getting them to Speech and OT. Like keeping them from pummeling each other. Like changing diapers. Like keeping #4 from flying down the two stairs from the kitchen to the family room now that he is crawling.

My day is full of the basics. And I need to accept that. I need to learn to accept that if I just survive a day in the life of raising my boys, then the to-do list can wait.

But is that true? What about all the guilt I feel about the friends who I cannot seem to get around to emailing? The friendships that I know I have lost as a result of deciding to have a large family which keeps me so busy?

And what about me? It is important to me to exercise. It keeps me from yelling. It keeps me feeling good about myself. Do I just stop exercising to make more time for the other things, the 75% of the items on the to-do list have to do with doing things for the people I love? How do I chose one over the other? How do I say, #3 is more important than #4?

I know it is feasible to figure it out but I DON’T WANT TO. I don’t want to have to prioritize. I want to be able to do it all.

Again, when everything is important, how do you decide what goes first? Simply put, I have to choose between my husband, myself, #1, #2, #3, #4, friends, and family. I hate having to choose. Because all these people matter to me. And right now, I feel like all these people are getting short changed.

My husband, also a lover of inspirational quotes (I think that is what brought us together), shared this quote with me from a book about I don’t know what. Better time management?

“don’t schedule your to-dos, schedule your priorities.”

Powerful idea, but again, how do I choose between all the people I love, who are ALL my priority, when the day is so short? Because there isn’t enough time in the day. And there never will be.

Well, I guess that is one benefit of The Orange Rhino Challenge. Not yelling impacts everyone. I don’t have to choose.

My husband, #1, #2, #3, #4, and I, we all win, we all benefit from my not yelling. And that is why this challenge is my #1 priority. It makes me a better mom, which in turn makes me kids happier, which in turn makes our days somewhat easier, which in turn makes me happier, which means I am a better wife, which means I feel better about myself, which in turn gives me the strength to not yell.

It’s a cycle. Not yelling at my kids sets off a cycle of goodness that goes all around. Here’s hoping I stay on this path…and here’s hoping that now that I have figured out priority #1 in my life right now, that I can figure out 2-10!