I said I wouldn’t hide. So here I am. Struggling, and sharing how I’m refusing to stay stuck. I wrote this yesterday. I was excited(ish).
Finally, a non-rushed shower. Makeup. Hair actually blown out. Time dedicated to me, my work, my goals. I sat down. Focused. Motivated. BOOM. Orange emotions disappeared. Gray happened.
Here’s what I wrote in my more personal, diary-of-sorts.
* I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I really, really am. I’m tired of watching everyone around me move forward while I move at a snail’s pace.
*I’m tired of so many interruptions in my schedule.
*I’m tired of being jealous of others, even when I know jealousy can be a useful indicator of what matters to me. Even when I know comparison is the thief of joy, it has been my reality this week, and I’m trying to honor it so I can work through it.
*I’m tired of seeing “understand your nervous system, manage your nervous system, it’s all about your nervous system!” And “manifest more, manifest better, manifest clearer.” I know, I know, I know. And also, sometimes there is truly more to it. I’m drained. I’m trying.
* I’m tired of hearing everyone suggest I’m not doing it right or not doing enough. I know that is likely my mind playing tricks on me. But still, I feel criticized more than supported.
* I’m tired of being told, “be patient” and “it’s your busy season, your time will come” and “but you’re a stay-at-home mom and that matters.” YES. AND…
*I’m tired of parenting solo and all that comes with it.
*I’m tired of my stories, my histories, and all that got me to this parenting-solo bit. I have dreams I’m trying to make happen. Dreams beyond being a mom, because that is only one of my dreams. I have dreams that would fulfill me in other ways and, honestly, help make me a better mom. But right now? They feel really hard to make happen.
* I’m tired of having ADHD and a late diagnosis. Of learning how to manage it late while also raising boys with it and trying to help them understand it, process it, and manage it while I do the same.
* I’m tired of feeling alone and also, lonely. Of craving connection, nights out, more laughter. and also… Of knowing I need to reach out more. I need to connect more.
Of knowing some of my loneliness is on me… and also, some of it isn’t.
* I’m just tired.
But mostly?
Mostly I’m tired of knowing the logical, rational, mature answer to all these heavy, gray feelings. I know they will pass. I know I will get through them. I’m not a failure. I’m not stuck. I am making progress. I know my truth. I know my nervous system realities. I know my goals, my limiting beliefs, the stories I tell myself that aren’t helping.
I know all about mindset and that what we focus on grows, for better or for worse. I know I have good friends. I know I’m tired of parenting sometimes and also fully love it sometimes and will miss it when my boys fully move out. I know all the gray emotions can be true.
And I know all the orange emotions can be true too. This morning, when I sat at my kitchen table not wanting to do a darn thing, I did what I did yesterday. I asked myself: What do I need to feel better right now? What will help me get going? Not forever. Just this moment. What one step can I take?
Yesterday, I got up and took a short walk. Around the house. And today, I made myself get on the treadmill. eMOTION is one of my favorite mnemonics I learned a few years ago. Best way to change an emotion? MOTION. And later today, if life feels overwhelming again, which it likely will as I go from doctor’s appointment to doctor’s appointment and feel unproductive while my to-do list plays in my head, I will do the thing people think is cheesy but is actually wicked effective.
I will remind myself of the 7 things I’ve learned that help me get unstuck: I’m not broken or alone. This will pass. I can handle this. I can give myself compassion. I only need to take one step. What do I need to feel more at ease? Gray doesn’t get to win. Let the orange stand out. Sending warmth,
xoxo, Sheila
🧡 The Orange Rhino
