336 days without yelling, 29 days of loving more to go!
Dear Orange Rhinos,
Tonight, I wanted to sit and write a deep, thoughtful post about the important of preparing for change. The importance of putting in effort even when you don’t want to.
Tonight, I wanted to sit and write up my plans for “30 days to yelling less” project that I spoke of on Facebook the other day. It will happen by the way. It will commence sometime next week and details will be forthcoming so that you have time to share them with friends.
Tonight, I wanted to sit and write about how sometimes my posts have nothing to do with yelling, but have more to do with me and my personal struggles and how that actually has everything to do with yelling.
Tonight I had lots of plans.
But none of them will get done tonight for two reasons.
1) I am exhausted and I need to go to bed!
2) I have other things to do.
As to being exhausted…I am physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted. #4 seems to be having new seizures of a different kind (read here) and as such we are off to the neurologist again. Can’t. Write. About. It. Just can’t. Can’t write about how I need to prepare for the doctor, how I need to write up questions and so forth so that I can maximize our visit. Can’t write about how scared I am of the epilepsy diagnosis. Can’t write about how scared I am that my son won’t be able to drive when he is 16 like his friends. Just can’t go there. Can’t write about all the insightful comparisons between preparing for doctors visits and learning not to yell because I just can’t think about it. Because I will cry. And the tears will most certainly ruin my new computer’s keyboard. And I can’t do that! And I can’t cry because well, I just don’t want to. Yet. And because once I start I know it will be a late night and it can’t be. I need to get to bed so I am “rested” enough to be the best mama I can be tomorrow! Lack of sleep = BIG trigger.
As to having things to do….I love blogging. I love The Orange Rhino Challenge. There is so much to love here, so much love that goes around, so much love to be had! And I want to write a “real” blog tonight for me, for all of you. BUT if I do write, and edit, and re-edit and edit again, and therefore ignore my never ending to-do list that I have pushed aside because I just don’t know where to start well then all I can say is: I WILL YELL tomorrow. And I don’t want to yell. Not just because of my challenge. But because I am a changed person and I don’t want my stress to get to me. I don’t want it to win! I want to be strong enough to acknowledge my triggers (lack of sleep and nagging to-do lists) and manage them. So I will tackle the list now so it doesn’t grow into a huge nagging problem and trigger.
So there you have it. I will do one thing on my to-do list and then snuggle into bed. I might cry there. It would be good to as bottled up emotions are also a trigger (read here). In the meanwhile, get ready for kicking off “30 days to yelling less” next Wednesday January 16th. The project will wrap up on Valentine’s Day, the day of love! I will spend 30 days dedicated to walking anyone who wants through the steps of not-yelling. I will break down the daunting task of changing and learning to yell less into 30 days. We will together, acknowledge our triggers and kick ’em in the a*s. Or at least learn how to manage them.
Like going to bed early.
Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite (or something like that),
The Orange Rhino