I had the wonderful opportunity to actually, get this, sit down, drink a cup of hot coffee and hang out with a friend the other night. It was marvelous. Absolutely, marvelous. We covered all the basic gossip stories, you know would Kimye make it as a couple, what about Jen Garner and Ben Affleck, all the basic here’s what our kids are up to stories, mine finally potty trained, mine is still sick, and we covered all the basic how are yous, how are you feeling about work, about life, marriage, motherhood etc. And this is where we ended up talking about bedtime and how brutal it can be.

You see, I was on “vacation” and when I am on “vacation” with my kids, they NEVER ever go to sleep easily. Like never, ever! Did I mention, never, ever? I mean, it’s not like bedtime at home is a peace of cake but whoa is it easier than on “vacation.” Bedtime is simply a disaster on vacation because of all the, “I want to stay up late because you know it’s vacation mom,” and “I don’t want to share a room with all my brothers,” and “I don’t like the sheets at Grandma’s” and the “This room has weird shadows my room doesn’t.” And well, it is also a disaster because of the decrease in routine and increase in, eh hem, sugar and adrenaline.

Anywho, so we got talking about bedtime and my friend said,

“How the heck do you not yell at bedtime? I mean really. Does someone else do it for you?!”

My boys, just chilling. Can you imagine if bedtime was always this relaxed?!!

Ha!!! Oh how sometimes I wish it were true. But it’s not. What is true though is that years ago, pre-The Orange Rhino Challenge, bedtime didn’t just use to make me yell at my kids, it used to make me scream. It was so stressful and anything but chill. And, it was the worst feeling to send my kids to bed almost every night with their hearts full of my anger, not my love. The absolute worst feeling in the world. Oh the guilt and shame. Blech! Thank goodness The Orange Rhino Challenge helped me identify bedtime as a trigger and pushed me to figure out how to manage it so that it wouldn’t be full of my yells. (My kids’ yells, well, that is almost always expected at bedtime!)

That night I shared with my girlfriend my secrets to not yelling at bedtime. Tonight, I share them with you, albeit in a way more formal manner and with way more detail, but hey, the main message is still there!

* * * * *

My biggest “secret” to not yelling at bedtime is that I finally, and fully, embraced and reminded myself of three Orange Rhino Revelations about sleeping that I learned on my journey to yell less:

1. If I rush my boys at bedtime, it goes slower. Rushing is counterproductive.
2. If I yell at my boys during bedtime, they cry, bedtime takes longer. Yelling is counterproductive.
3. If I approach bedtime with a positive attitude, as opposed to dreading it, it not only goes faster and smoother, but it also becomes a very calm and special time.

These revelations keep me from yelling every night, as do these additional revelations and tips which are specific to my 5 top bedtime triggers.

Kids Dawdling and Not Doing Task At Hand
Orange Rhino Revelations: If I rush my boys, they will go slower. If I nag them, they will go slower. If I yell at them to hurry up, they will cry and definitely take longer. However, if I gently encourage them to complete their tasks so we can have more time to read books and snuggle, they proceed “faster.”

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Tell myself over and over again that if I rush bedtime, it goes slower.
• Tell myself that yelling will only make dawdling more intense.
• Take deep breaths to help me slow down so that I don’t put off a “go, go, go” vibe.
• Use humor to diffuse the stress and connect with kids so they want to do what I ask. Talk like toothpaste is stuck to my teeth. Brush teeth with finger.
• Walk away and just start reading a book; invite them to join you when they have finished their tasks.
• Give in! “Okay, so no one wants to brush teeth. Lets sing instead for a few minutes and then we’ll do it.” Sometimes the power struggle isn’t worth it!

Parental Stress, Exhaustion, and Therefore Huge Desire for Personal Time
Orange Rhino Revelations: My quiet, relaxing downtime doesn’t need to start as soon as all the kids are asleep; I can start it at bedtime.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Change into comfortable clothes to feel more chill.
• Create a relaxing, quiet environment. Think spa! Turn the lights down. Light a spa candle. Listen to soothing music. Upside? It relaxes boys too, which helps bedtime go smoother!
• (again) Tell myself that letting my stress and exhaustion push me to yell will just upset the kids which will make them move slower and will upset me more and make me yell more and will greatly delay getting to my personal time.

Bathwater (and Toothpaste!) Going Everywhere
Orange Rhino Revelations: Perspective is a powerful tool. When I can put things into perspective, I realize that yelling isn’t necessary and that again, it will make matters worse.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Use my “at least” technique to find perspective and calm, i.e., “At least it is just water and not sticky orange juice spraying everywhere,” “At least the water is on the tile bathroom floor and not the carpeted bedroom floor.” And the big one I use, “At least I have this special time at the end of the day to connect with my kids before they go off to sleep.” This last one really helps me to re-focus on what matters.
• Put preventative measures in place: put towels down, wear an apron to keep clothes dry, do push-ups (or any exercise) while kids bathe as exercise creates positive energy and prepares me to handle the annoyance with more calm.

Asking for One More Thing, One Hundred Times!
Orange Rhino Revelation: When my kids ask for one more thing, it isn’t because they need one more cracker, one more book, or one more sip of water, it is because they want one more minute with me. If I give them that minute in a totally focused, calm, loving way, there will not only be less requests after, but also, I will then feel more comfortable being firm with the bedtime rules as I was just extra loving.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Find empathy. I put myself in their “shoes” (mind) and remember that when I was a kid, I did the same thing. This softens my heart and lets me give the connection to my kids they crave.
• Offer a hug as a substitution; it will make everyone feel better.
• Take a break. Walk away and yell into a closet. Clothes don’t have feelings, kids do.
• If possible, tag out and have someone else help with bed.

The Unspoken Trigger: Approaching bedtime with dread and a negative attitude
Orange Rhino Revelations: Negative attitudes attract negative actions; when I approach the bedtime hour with grumpiness, the kids sense it and act grumpy right back which makes me yell. When I embrace bedtime with a positive approach, I am less distracted, more present, and we all enjoy bedtime more – it actually becomes a special time.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Change attitude from, “I just want this hour over,” to “YES! Let’s get this hour started. It’s a great last chance of the day to enjoy my kids and show them my love before I don’t see them for 12 hours.”
• Embrace the challenge of bedtime. “Yep! Bedtime is going to be hard. I know it. I accept it. I will not be surprised or annoyed when it is. I will just go with it.”
• Talk positively to self, “I can do this. It is just 45 minutes. I have had successful bedtimes, I can do this one.”
• Fake it until you make it! Smile lots. Laugh lots. Say “Bedtime rocks,” and “I love bedtime” lots.

So much for sharing one “secret” to a peaceful bedtime, eh? Well since I already shared a zillion, here’s one more. Bedtime in The Orange Rhino house still isn’t perfect as a result of all of the above, but it is a heck of a lot, and I mean heck of lot easier to not yell at bedtime than it was before and it is way more, way, way more quiet and peaceful!

Bedtime isn’t my only yelling trigger 😉 That would be too easy! If you would like to learn about my other major triggers, as well as my solutions to them, check out my new book “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can too!” It is a 30-day guide with honest stories to inspire, 100 alternatives to yelling and simple steps to follow. It hits shelves this October but you can pre-order it now to ensure that you get one of the lowest prices and that you have it when I start a guided 30-day Challenge this fall! Click here to pre-order!  

I had full intentions of this post being about blueberry picking. You know, about what I wrote on Facebook last Saturday right before we headed out:

“My boys have wanted to go blueberry picking for years. I always forget to find a place to go and then remember when it is too late. I always feel bad and always share their disappointment. But not this year! Just told the boys we are going in 5 minutes and their eyes popped out of their heads from excitement. And the Orange Rhino lesson in it all, because you know I always find one….

Getting it “right” will happen – even after several attempts/letdowns. And when it does, it feels great and makes all the work worth it. If you are feeling disappointed in yourself because you keep forgetting to stop yourself from yelling before it gets too late, do not lose faith. You will remember at one point. And that point will feel so great that it will give you the desire to work even harder to remember the next time – and it will give you the confidence to know that you can remember to not yell before it’s too late.”

I even took pictures while blueberry picking to reinforce my metaphor that good things eventually do happen. See?

The blueberry bush starts off with just one beautiful, exquisite blueberry. And then as time passes and the bush is exposed to more sun, another one pops up. And another one. Soon, the whole bush is full. Just like my (and your!) Orange Rhino Challenge journey. I started with no yell-free moments. Then I had one. Then I had more exposure to yelling situations and more practice handling them, and another yell-free moment popped up. And another. Soon, my life was full of beautiful, exquisite yell-free moments. Nice metaphor, eh?

But I am not going to write more about blueberries, about what I had planned. Instead, I am going to share what happened after blueberry picking because it is far more powerful.

On the way home from our blueberry excursion, we drove by a country fair. Our family loves hot dogs and cotton candy so obviously it was the perfect place for lunch. We pulled up and my oldest son goes, “Mom, look, horse and pony rides. I think I am ready to ride one, can I?” Heck yeah my dear! Overcome that fear. As my oldest saddled up, #2 and #4 on ponies behind him, my husband took #3 to scout out which stand had the best fried food. Horseback and pony riding a major success, my three sons and I started wandering to meet my husband and my other son. Within seconds of stepping out of the paddocks, my two older boys spotted the sign that later brought me to tears.

“Face Painting.”

My first thought: I know just where my other son is. I guarantee he is getting his face painted as his fun activity since he chose not to do a pony ride. My second thought: I know two other boys who will be begging me for face paint any moment!

Sure enough as we got closer to the face-painting stand, I recognized this precious little curly hair kid with an almost done Spiderman face. And sure enough, the pleas started up my other sons. And well, the morning had been awesome and I felt generous and happy and all that jazz so I said, “Sure, why not!”

As #3 hopped down, overjoyed with his new face, my older two started peppering the artist with questions,

“Can you do Darth Vader?” #1 asked.
“What about Darth Maul?” #2 asked.
“Sure, we can do those.” She replied.

#1 and #2 eagerly hopped up into the chairs.

Just then, my husband returned with lunch in hand.

“Daddy, daddy! I’m getting Darth Vader!” #1 shouted from one artist’s chair.
“Daddy, daddy! I’m gonna be Darth Maul!” #2 shouted from the other artist’s chair.
“Mommy, mommy, I don’t like my Spiderman face. It’s not fair. I wanted to be Darth Vader and Darth Maul. I didn’t know she could do them.” #3 sobbed.

And I mean sobbed. His tears went right through his brand new Spiderman face causing it all to drip, drip, drip.

“Oh sweetie, I am sorry you are disappointed now. You look awesome though. I love the Spiderman look and you love Spiderman!” I said, desperate to console him.

And not just because I didn’t want him to feel upset, but also because while the day had been great thus far, this mamma was starving and the heat was starting to get to me. I could just feel that I didn’t have the best mindset to gracefully and lovingly deal with the pending “#3-style-meltdown” that I knew was seconds away. You see, #3 was also starving, tired, hot and well, legitimately disappointed. Oh, oh how I so very much wanted to prevent the pending meltdown. Needless to say, my attempts did not work and the meltdown began. Louder sobbing. Screaming. Not wanting to be held to be soothed.

And needless to say, NOW was the time that I think everyone at the fair decided to get face paint. I looked at the growing line of people waiting; I felt the sets of eyes watching my son and me growing; and I felt my embarrassment and desire to nastily snap, “Enough already!” grow.

After a few more failed attempts to de-escalate the meltdown, I finally said,
“Look, I know you are upset. But I need you to stop screaming and crying. We will leave in a few moments but we can’t walk away just now.” (My husband had gone back for food for us. You can only carry so many hot dogs and fries, you know?!)

I immediately regretted saying that – it was so not the message I wanted to send. And then I immediately felt grateful because what my son said next I will never forget.

“But mommy, I want to stop crying. But I just don’t know how to.” 

I am just little. I don’t know how to stop crying. Please be patient with me.

My five year old’s wonderfully honest, insightful, and heartfelt statement put an immediate damper on my growing desire to yell. Oh how that statement blew me away and immediately got my mind and heart to a better place.

His statement reminded me that I wasn’t dealing with an adult, but with a child, a five year old child who was understandably still learning to cope with tough feelings and who, by the look on his face, felt sad and maybe even a little scared that he didn’t know how to control himself. His statement reminded me that I needed to help him in that moment, not hurt him with my frustration.

His statement reminded me of times I have felt the same way, rather of the weekend prior when I was just bawling my eyes out to my husband out of stress and I so wanted to stop, but just couldn’t. His statement reminded me how awful it feels to be so frustrated that one can’t stop crying; his statement reminded me to find empathy with the situation, not exasperation.

And most importantly, his statement reminded me that when I don’t yell, good things can happen. Sure, a meltdown isn’t so good. But hearing this eloquent statement from my five year old? Exquisitely good, on so many levels.

You see, this munchkin of mine has a speech delay. He has made a lot of progress but our current struggle is getting him to retrieve words and express himself verbally when he is frustrated, instead of throwing things or screaming. Lately, it has been a serious struggle – for both of us – because the intensity of his outbursts has been steadily growing and it has been increasingly hard for me to help him (and remain yell-free.) So to watch him stop a meltdown faster than usual, and then hear him express his frustration while feeling him open up to me, asking me for help (a major, major first) well, it brings tears to my eyes now and it brought me to my knees then. No seriously, it did.

I had been squatting to maintain eye contact up until this point, but once I heard him so sweetly, and with such sincere confusion say, “But mommy, I want to stop crying. But I just don’t know how to,” I dropped to my knees and hugged him as tight as I possibly could. I didn’t care that my shirt was now covered in red and black tears. I didn’t care anymore about all the judgmental eyes that still watched. I didn’t care about anything at that moment except being there for my son; about calming down so that I could comfort him and let him know that it really is okay to cry, that it takes time to learn how to stop; so that I could tell him how proud I was of him for using his words, for communicating his needs so clearly.

That was a turning point for my son and me, a turning point so desperately needed. Even though I am often patient and loving (and yell-free) during his meltdowns, I have admittedly been harboring a growing anger and annoyance that he isn’t progressing. That chip has made it harder and harder to remain yell-free. But this statement, but this innocent statement by my son gave me a new level of understanding and empathy for his personal challenges. A level of understanding and empathy I have so desperately needed. His statement was an exquisite gift to me because now I feel I can be there for him in a better, more effective way. And it was an exquisite gift to himself because it showed him that not only can he communicate but that he can also ask for help, that he doesn’t have to handle his frustrations alone. Eech. Totally crying again. Folks, this moment was just amazing for us. My son let me in. He let me in.

And guess what? It wouldn’t have happened if I had yelled. If I had yelled, he would have yelled back and pulled farther and farther away from me, physically and emotionally. If I yelled, I would have shut down his ability to retrieve those words he so desperately needed to say and I so desperately need to hear.

If I had yelled, rather, if I had quit The Orange Rhino Challenge when it got tough, when I felt disappointed that I wasn’t “getting it right,” then this moment wouldn’t have happened. It certainly isn’t always easy to remember to not yell, but when I do remember, it is always easy to feel like all the hard work to not yell is indeed worth it.

* * * * *
I share more about my journey, especially with this son, and how I came to have more yell-free moments in my life in my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” Part parenting memoir, part parenting guide, my book shares honest stories, simple steps to follow and 100 Alternatives to yelling. It hits shelves in October but you can pre-order it here to make sure you are one of the first to have it!

Dear Facebook,

I have a love/hate relationship with you (I know, I know, I am so not the first to admit that!)

I love that because of you I can feel a little bit “connected” to my friends who I don’t get to see on a day-to-day basis. I love that because of you, I feel like I know about their lives, their joys, their sorrows. With four kids under eight, even though I care immensely about everyone in my life, I struggle to keep in touch as much as I like. I struggle to remember big birthdays and anniversaries. And to be honest, as much as I know being connected with friends (like really connected) is important to me because it makes me happier and therefore a better mom/wife/daughter/friend/person, I still struggle to prioritize “be connected – in a real way– with friends.” So instead, I turn to you. You help me have a sliver of the connection that I so very much seek and it makes me feel a little less guilty and a little more okay that I am sucking at keeping in touch with those I care about. So thank you for that.

And obviously, I love that you gave me a way to create a supportive community two years ago when I started The Orange Rhino Challenge; without that community I am not sure I would have made it! And today that community is a source of love, support, and inspiration not just for me, but also for 50,000 others. Pretty cool. Pretty darn cool. So thanks for that too!

So yeah, there are two really strong reasons why I love you and why I open you up everyday, okay, lets be honest, several or more times a day. Oh, wait, one more reason. I love the pages that daily pop up sharing inspirational thoughts; those really help me stay focused during tough days. But Facebook, oh, oh dear Facebook, the problem is that when I open you to see about friends and to check-on / check-in with The Orange Rhino Community, I don’t just see, but I feel.

I see pictures of my friends that I immediately love and smile at because I can tell my friend is happy and then… I feel jealous because it seems she is happier than me/living a life better than me/skinnier than me/a better mother than me because she does cooler things than me.

I see a link to a parenting article a friend shared and I can’t help but to click through because the topic speaks to me and then (more times than not)… I feel incompetent, judged, and overwhelmed by all I “need” to do or change in order to feel better about my parenting and that I am no longer on the “wrong side” of the judgment.

I see pictures of husbands and wives who seem to be so naturally gravitating towards each other in the picture, who so “clearly” enjoy each other and so “obviously” have some secret marriage ingredient I am missing and… I feel sad about the marriage boulder that hit a while back and that we don’t have lots of this type of picture lately (even though I know we will soon.)

I see The Orange Rhino Community page growing; I see the messages and the comments…and I feel so excited and happy. Excited that we are growing, that more people are feeling less alone in their struggle to yell less; excited that I still have a safe, judgment free place to share about my journey; excited that there are people I can reach out to and offer support because that brings me such joy. And then I feel overwhelmed because there is so much more I want to do for The Community and sometimes I feel guilty that I haven’t replied to as many messages or comments as I so desperately want to (and as you all so very much deserve.)

And well sometimes I see a really nasty comment on The Orange Rhino page and then… I feel very hurt and scared to continue on my public journey.

Yep, I “see” a lot on you Facebook but really, I “feel” a lot more.

I would love to say that the warm, fuzzy feelings you inspire last all day long and are so powerful that they immediately squash the yucky-I-feel-so-insecure feelings that I shared above, but that just isn’t the truth. It’s the opposite actually. It seems that for whatever reason, once conjured up, it’s the yucky insecure feelings that last all. day. long! Emphasis on all.day.long! This so ain’t cool! These feelings not only immediately put me in a grouchy, defensive, and agitated mood but they also immediately consume all of my thoughts leaving me completely distracted.

And guess what?
Distracted mind + Bad Mood = the perfect setup for yelling at my kids.

When I am not fully present and focused on just being a parent, and instead focused on yucky feelings (or to-dos for that matter,) it is infinitely harder to be an Orange Rhino because my mind isn’t clear enough to focus on what I know I need to do to keep myself from yelling. When I am pre-occupied it’s just very hard to remember to: pay attention to my kids emotions and needs, notice cues that I am getting closer to losing it, think of alternatives to yelling, tell myself encouraging thoughts, and find perspective so that I don’t yell when I am pre-occupied otherwise. (Shoot, its hard enough to remember these things when I am in a good mood and feeling naturally calm and loving!!)

And you wanna know something else? Since you so often push me towards this grouchy, pre-occupied mindset, I have labeled you as one of my Yelling Triggers. Yes Facebook, I like you and all, but you make me yell. I know, I know. That’s a cop out. The real triggers are my insecurities, or better said, feeling that I am not “good enough or doing well enough.” It’s just easier and feels better to blame you! Ha! Seriously though, here’s the thing. You are truly a trigger for my triggers, so we need to work on our relationship. I like you but I love my kids, and my family and friends, more and I don’t want to unnecessarily yell or snap at them because you set me off.

I am not entirely sure where our relationship will go from here, but I do know a few things:

• I don’t want to dump you because of your positive qualities so I will still be around, just a bit less. (And please know, checking my email/phone has the same effect as you. I tell you this so you don’t feel like you are the only one causing me strife; as an Orange Rhino I know no one wants to feel alone!)
• I do need to take responsibility for my part in hanging out with you; I need to set better limits as to when I look at you so that if I am triggered, I am not in a situation where it will impact how I interact with those around me.
• I need to work on my impulse control so that when I slip up and sneak a peak at you when I shouldn’t (sometimes a girl just needs to scroll to escape the craziness, you know?), I can successfully refrain from clicking on potentially triggering articles.

I hope you understand where I am coming from and aren’t hurt. If you are, please just don’t trash me in a status update because that would you know, make me feel bad, and then I would dwell on the hurt feelings, and then my son would innocently ask for a snack and I would snap at him. Thanks for understanding and being a good friend,

Your friend,
The Orange Rhino

If you would like to learn about all those things I know I should do to keep from yelling, check out my new book: “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can Too!” It hits shelves October 1, but you can pre-order it now by clicking here!

Dear The Orange Rhino Community:
Fear not, the page isn’t going anywhere!! Ever! I am though, actively creating new ways to achieve the same community feel and means of communication elsewhere as I have learned I am not alone in my struggle with Facebook (and well, my “friend” Facebook seems to not like sharing my posts with you!) One place I will be spending more time? The private Orange Rhino Community forum! It has been updated to provide better security and more bells and whistles. It is a great place to meet other Orange Rhinos sharing similar specific triggers as you (i.e. ADHD behaviors, potty training madness, homework battles) and who live in the same area. Check it out! www.theorangerhino.com/community AND if you want to make sure to see my blog posts, sign up to receive notifications of new posts by this fancy, schmancy new tool: 

[subscribe2]

So, here’s the thing.

There is nothing I would love more in the world than to meet all of you! You all have been so supportive to me during my journey that I just want to see you in person and say thank you and then return the support by encouraging you that you can learn to “Yell Less, Love More” even if you think you can’t! But alas, as I plan my book tour, it is becoming abundantly clear that I will not get to meet all of you so I came up with an alternative idea for how I could give support back to you:

Personalized and Autographed Book Plates
that you can stick on the inside of your book! 

I have three-ish months before my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You can Too!” hits the shelves. That is three-ish months that I have to write personalized messages to as many of you as I can! So even if we don’t meet in person, I can still virtually “talk” to you before you read the book. If you haven’t read the post yet about what the book is about, here’s a summary:

“Yell Less, Love More” is part memoir, part parenting guide, part writing journal, part “let me read this so I don’t feel alone.” It is organized into 30 days, each which includes: a personal story (some funny, some sad, some brutally tough yet beautiful, and all inspiring and useful), my top revelations (cliff notes if you will just for us parents who can only read the book on bathroom breaks), suggested actions to try that mirror my journey and three tips for not yelling. I arranged it as such knowing that many parents, like myself, don’t have time to sit and read an entire chapter of a book, let alone more than a few pages at once! The organization and graphic design of the book also make it easy and fast way to pick and choose which information one needs and has time to read at a precise moment! What is not included, however, are statistics about why yelling is bad and any statements that would make anyone feel judged or ashamed! Who needs that? Instead I offer my love, my support, and my vulnerability so that all readers can be inspired to start his/her own journey to yell less and finally go to sleep feeling less guilty and disappointed in him/herself! Here is a sneak peak at two pages (that are 99.8% final):

1) Click on the picture of my book below which will take you to my publisher’s site. Here you can select which online book retailer you want to purchase the book from. Pre-order the book so that I know the book plate will have a home! (By the way, most of the time it is less expensive to pre-order the book ahead of publication date than to buy on publication date when the book is normally full price! I just learned this and will be pre-ordering way more books in the future!)

2) Send an email to YellLessLoveMore@gmail.com

3) The email needs to include the following: proof of purchase (like an amazon screen shot or emailed receipt), the name you want the book autographed to, and the complete mailing address where the bookplate should be mailed. If you want, add any personal information you want to share. (I love reading your emails by the way; you all inspire me with your stories and triumphs!)

If you ordered before this offer came out, that is fine, you too can get this offer as well, just follow the instructions above.

4) I will write up to 250 book plates so email me today so you can get on the list! This is a LIMITED TIME thing so I can solidify the list and start writing! Autographed book plates will be mailed out shortly before the book is shipped because well, if any of you are like me, if I received a book plate weeks in advance, I would totally lose it, especially in all the back to school paperwork!

I am really looking forward to sitting on my porch at night this summer and “writing” to you!

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino, a.k.a Sheila
– or is it –
Sheila, a.k.a. The Orange Rhino ?!

June 11, 2014

First there was one The Orange Rhino®. Then there were 100 Orange Rhinos. Then there were 10,000 Orange Rhinos. And now, well now there are almost 50,000 Orange Rhinos: people who are determined to respond with warmth instead of yelling when triggered and who are doing so by taking The Orange Rhino Challenge®.

How cool is that?! Wicked cool if you ask me! It is crazy how much The Orange Rhino Challenge has grown and it makes me so happy! Since I started The Orange Rhino Challenge in January 2012, my mission has always been not just to get support for myself, but also to get support for others so that less people go to bed feeling as awful as I used to! I know how cruddy it felt to go to sleep at night after having yelled too much that day; how cruddy it felt to feel all alone, like I was the only one who yelled at her (or his!) kids; and how cruddy it felt to feel so ashamed that I couldn’t share my secret with anyone. I didn’t then–and I still don’t now–want anyone else to feel as cruddy as I did, especially now that I know that change can happen and that it feels great!

When I see private other Orange Rhino Facebook pages pop up, I get so excited, truly! (And I get it, the privacy piece! I am working on that, in the meanwhile, check out our online community, www.TheOrangeRhino.com/Community) These pages are growing awareness of OUR community and are giving so many people the support they need to succeed. It is stinkin’ awesome! Think how many parents – and therefore kids!!! – we are all helping?! I love it, especially since so many of these pages have genuinely good intentions and share the core principles of The Orange Rhino Challenge.

If you do have or want to create one of these pages (or blogs or products) and want to use in any way, shape, or form, any of the Orange Rhino Trademarks items  (“the marks” are: THE ORANGE RHINO / ORANGE RHINO, THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE, and the orange rhinoceros with pink birds design) I have to insist though that you get my permission. Using “the marks” without permission is not allowed and using “the marks” without permission poses a risk of potential negative press to my family and loss of our community. (***There’s a long explanation as to why, but I won’t bore you, just trust me that the risk is real, especially to my kids, and read the short version in italics below!)

Again, while I KNOW in my heart that so many of these private pages, new blogs, and new products for sale that use my trademarked names and images are well-intentioned and serving a phenomenal service, I must now publicly state the following:

THE ORANGE RHINO / ORANGE RHINO, THE ORANGE RHINO CHALLENGE, and the orange rhinoceros with pink birds design (collectively known as “the marks”) can not be used without permission of The Orange Rhino LLC.

If you do have a Facebook Page or Blog that does use these marks (or even comes close to using these marks) in the title (or in the case of a product, on the product or where the shape is my trademarked rhino) you need to do one of the following by JUNE 18, 2014.   

(1)  Become an officially approved Orange Rhino page. (Which by the way, would be so cool and opens the doors to lots of great new ideas and opportunities!!!) In this case, I ask that you agree to “use of trademark” terms, which are very simple (i.e., State on page/blog/product that “the marks” are used with permission, inclusion of me on page/blog/product so I can see content/usage, link back to official Facebook page and blog, agreement to basic values and beliefs.) TO DO this option, please email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com by June 18, 2014 with the email title: Trademark Permission. Once we have emailed and terms have been accepted (which really is a friendly email exchange and a chance to chat and figure out how to work together in other ways!), I will email you official approval. Then, and only then, can you use “the marks.”

(2)  Stop using the page/blog/product effective immediately (due to the name trademark infringement). This is not my hope! I don’t want to lose the pages/blogs/products at this point because I know the intentions are good and good for our greater community! I really want these pages/blogs/products to exist so we can all stick together and give greater support.

Whichever option you chose, and you need to chose one or the other, I need to know by June 18, 2014. If you have any doubt, please email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com   ALSO, please know that using (i.e. copying and pasting) any of the content from my website, or from the emails I sent in the 30-Day Challenges is subject to copyright and also needs me permission.

Please note:
It IS okay to use the words “The Orange Rhino” and “The Orange Rhino Challenge” within blog posts, i.e. “I am taking The Orange Rhino Challenge(R)” or “I am working on being an Orange Rhino”. Please link back to my blog, www.TheOrangeRhino.com when you do so though.  One way to think about it is, think of your favorite brand, say Coca-Cola. You can say/write, I drink Coca-Cola, but you can’t print their logo without permission and you wouldn’t be able to have a page, “Coca-Cola.com”

Also, The Orange Rhino button found on my website in the right hand column is also okay, and encouraged to use so long as again, you link back to my blog, www.TheOrangeRhino.com.

If you doubt your usage, please just check in by email theorangerhinochallenge@gmail.com

Again, I REALLY want to emphasize that I am thrilled that these private pages/blogs/products are spreading The Orange Rhino message. I am not trying to intentionally diminish that in any way! Believe me! I just want us to spread our message and support together as a united front and properly from a legal perspective, so that we can make the most impact.

I don’t love having to write this post since I know it doesn’t apply to many of you. I hope that you can appreciate and understand why it is necessary though and I truly hope that it brings us together in a new way that yields wonderful, new plans and ideas to grow The Orange Rhino Community! All my best and thank you for your continued support for my journey and all the other Orange Rhinos learning to yell less and love more,

Sheila, a.k.a. The Orange Rhino or
The Orange Rhino, a.k.a. Sheila
(still can’t decide which to do first!)

*** With my name, Sheila McCraith, officially out there and attached to The Orange Rhino “brand,” anytime someone uses one of my trademarked items (“the marks” reference above) there is the risk that that people will be wrongfully led to believe that whatever statement, opinion, picture, etc… is shared in connection with my logos, is mine. This is already happening and it is a risk to both me, and my kids, for the potential of negative press exists and it will impact my entire family and potentially our community. As part of my mission to help more parents, I am trying to grow The Orange Rhino Community so that we can reach more people on a different level, in a different way. I was strongly advised that to do so (and again, to protect my family), I needed to Trademark everything, which is why I did.

Furthermore, every time I do something related to The Orange Rhino Challenge, whether it be for the Facebook Page (www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino), my blog (www.TheOrangeRhino.com), our PRIVATE online community/forum (www.TheOrangeRhino.com/Community) the store, and now for my book, I do so not just because it makes me happy (which keeps me from yelling!) but also, and more so, I do it because I genuinely want to help people. I know it sounds corny, but I feel like this is exactly what I am meant to be doing in my life right now. For years I tried to find my way. I tried baking (I love decorating cakes!) and I tried photography, but they just didn’t stick. This, leading The Orange Rhino Community, hasn’t just stuck, but it has become a wonderful part of my life. I do not want to risk losing it.

Today is my second son’s sixth birthday.  And like every one of my past sons’ birthdays, I woke up so excited to run into his room and give him a big hug and sing happy birthday. I also woke up hoping, with every single finger and toe crossed, that the day would run more smoothly than usual so that my son and I could share an extra special, peaceful day together free of fighting amongst brothers. And I woke up knowing that I needed to adjust my expectations for a great day down a notch or two because I was just setting myself up for disappointment and frustration and therefore yelling!

You see birthdays in our house are tough, tough, tough! The three non-birthday boys get all sorts of jealous and “it’s just not fair” tantrums happen hourly, if not more often. On top of that, when there aren’t tantrums, all four boys are super hyper because that is just what happens to my boys on any special occasions. It is our experience, after years of research that “Holiday Hyper” + Tantrums = One heck of a disastrous day.

By 8:11 am this morning, we were already on our way to disastrous land. The birthday boy even seemed more sullen than usual; I am certain all the fighting to get the first piece of breakfast cake (yep!) and the begging to share his new LEGO got to him. How couldn’t it? So when daddy called this morning to say, “Happy Birthday” to the birthday boy, I broke down in tears before handing the phone over.

“How’s the morning go?” my husband innocently asked.

“ARGH! #1 can’t keep his hands to himself and keeps punching Darth Vader. #3 has been screaming that he hates birthdays since he got out of bed. The best line being, ‘See I hate birthday parties because my cake falls over.’ Quality. And #4 didn’t nap yesterday and his brothers woke him up way too early so his crankiness is out of control. And to be honest, I have just had enough of parenting! It is so hard and I feel like I am sucking at it and that’s why the mornings have been so rough. I love our boys but they are a handful. A handful. And I just, well, wanted #2’s birthday to start off on a great note, you know?!” I sobbed to him all in one fellow swoop, not even stopping to take one breath.

Then #3 hit #4, #1 told me we had 2 minutes to get to school or he’d miss his field trip, and I had to get #2 on the phone real quick, and well, I just felt like I was going to explode! Miraculously (actually, I think the good cry helped me chill), I got everyone where they needed to be and I headed to work out to get some much-needed “me-time.”

A minute before I entered my class, I received this email from husband,

“Babe, don’t let life get you down. Our kids are a handful, but usually a handful of joy and fun. You have a lot of reasons to be proud of how you parent the boys so focus on that. Take a moment, smell the roses and enjoy what you accomplished six years ago: not sneezing, laughing, or talking before the doctor told you that you could so #2 didn’t come flying out onto the floor! You created our son and he is awesome. Be proud of that.”

He was right. Our kids are a handful – full of whining, not listening, arguing, and being royal pains in the butts at precisely the wrong moment. But they are also, and more so, a handful of joy – full of love, tenderness, empathy, joy, hope, laughter, and total awesomeness.

I loved my husband’s take on my statement, “our boys are a handful.” It brought me some much-needed perspective and helped me re-frame how I approached the rest of the day, which as a result was much, much more enjoyable.

This “insight” and realizing the “Power of Perspective” was the first of four insights that both surprised and inspired me today. I shouldn’t have been surprised by any of them though; they are old ones that I learned on The Orange Rhino Challenge. One of the best unexpected benefits I discovered in taking The Orange Rhino Challenge is that many of the tricks and revelations I learned to keep me from yelling, also help to enhancing my life in other non-yelling situations. Sweet!

Here are three other key insights I learned on my journey to yell less that popped up in my life today in non-yelling situations.

1. Keep practicing and staying on course; results will come.
I have been working my butt off (ha, literally, oh wait, I am not working my butt off, that’s the problem) to try and lose some extra weight gained during my foot injury. Well, I have been working at it since January. January folks. Nothing has changed and doctors confirmed there is no medical issue. The conclusion? I just have to get my metabolism alive again. So, I am trying my hardest and greatly discouraged and just wanting to quit my efforts. Why bother, right? I asked my always motivational exercise instructor today, “What should I do? Do you have any advice? I just want to quit. I am doing all this extra work and nothing!” Her response: “Just stay the course. Keep going no matter what. All the work is working you just don’t see the results yet. But you will. It will all just click. Whatever you do, don’t quit.”

Such solid advice and exactly what I learned on The Orange Rhino Challenge. In the beginning I felt like I was getting nowhere…fast. But all the good and bad moments were teaching me and preparing me to succeed. So to you: keep practicing not yelling, it will click. Repeat, it WILL click. And to me: keep working out, it will click. Got that? No quitting young lady!!!

2. Go one moment at a time; keep expectations in check.
I totally cried my eyes out to my therapist today (yes, I have one and no, I am not ashamed) that I just wanted a full good day with my kids because lately all the days have been ROUGH. Her response, “May I suggest you adjust your expectations a bit? Perhaps instead of wanting a full good day, you just aim for a good moment, then a few more, then maybe a day will come.” Well, I practically spit out my coffee at that point. I paid her to hear what I write EVERYDAY to all of you and what I tell myself daily in regards to yelling?! LOL. She was so right.

So I say to you: aim for one good moment of not yelling. When you have that, then aim for more, and then more. Good moments attract more good moments and eventually they all add up to a full day. And to me: aim for one good moment with your sons. Enjoy that like mad. More will grow from that joy.

3. Be nice to yourself; positive thoughts attract more positive.
After my oldest son’s bedtime “it’s not my birthday and life is so unfair and my brother has better LEGO’s than me” tantrum to end all tantrums (which by the way he did totally naked making it hard to take him seriously), I decided to sit in his room with him for thirty minutes past bedtime and help him with his LEGOs. It was the best moment (see, moment not day) with him all day. Until he said, “I am such a loser. I can’t keep my LEGO creations together like my brother.” My heart sank. So young to be talking to himself like that. My reply? “Honey, you are not a loser. Don’t be mean to yourself. Love yourself. You deserve it.”

And then the irony kicked me in the butt, you know, the one that won’t shrink come hell or high water. “Don’t be mean to yourself?” Hello, I am mean to myself HOURLY and it does me no good, in fact, it makes me feel crappier which makes me get closer and closer to yelling for no reason. I guess I should take my own advice. Especially since on The Orange Rhino Challenge I learned that positive thoughts attract positive thoughts and positive results. So I say to you: Tell yourself you can change. Forgive yourself if you yelled. Be proud of your non-yelling moment. Catch your children being good so they show more good behavior and you want to yell less. And I say to me, “Just be nice to yourself already! Love yourself more!”

All these thoughts in one day. Well, and that I have yet to figure out how to make a Yoda birthday cake! And on that note, I’ll leave you with some Master Yoda wisdom that applies to The Orange Rhino Challenge.

Luke: “I can’t believe it.”
Yoda: “That is why you fail.”

Believe that you can learn to yell less, and yell less and love more you will!
(Sorry, totally couldn’t resist!)

* * * * *
Curious to know what other Orange Rhino Revelations I learned when I stopped yelling that have enhanced my life in general?! Check out my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling and How You Can Too!” It is a 30-day guide, each day containing a personal story, top revelations, suggested actions to try on your own journey and then three tips to try instead of yelling. I personally love the revelations piece as they are kind of like the cliff notes version! This way, on days when you want to read but only have a spare minute, you can just read the revelations. Pre-order my book by clicking here (turns out pre-ordering saves you money!) 

A few months after my fourth son was born, my in-laws came to visit so that I could get “some” sleep and my other sons could get some much-needed one-on-one attention. As always, Grandma Catherine and Grandpa Richard brought a car full of activities for the boys. There were supplies for a teddy bear picnic, books from their travels out West, toys that used to be Daddy’s and last but certainly not the least, there were three brightly colored kites shaped liked parrots.

“Oooh! Oooh! Take out the kites Grandma, take out the kites!” they squealed.

Even though my oldest was five at the time, for whatever reason, my boys had yet to fly a kite.  As Grandma and Grandpa started unwrapping the kites, my boys’ eyes widened and widened until I swore they were going to pop right out of their sweet, little heads.

“You know boys, Grandpa used to fly lots of kites with your daddy when he was just your size. He’s an expert kite flyer. He knows all the tricks,” said my mother-in-law lovingly. She put her hands on Grandpa’s shoulders and gently turned him towards the front lawn. Placing the kite strings in his hands, and showing a mix of both hope and worry, she said, “Here Richard take the strings and show the boys how to fly a kite.”

Her worry stemmed from the fact that my father-in-law had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few months prior to that visit and everyday talked less and got more easily confused. Some days he remembered how to do basic things, other days not so much. We always hoped his memory would work though because we all desperately wanted to create as many “interactive” memories as we could before well, before we couldn’t. My father-in-law took the strings and started to walk forward, my boys following in a perfect little (miraculous) straight line.

There was just the perfect amount of wind that day; not so much the kite got swept away and not so little that it just kept nose-diving to the ground. With few words spoken, Grandpa successfully (phew) taught the boys to fly their kites. As they ran around the yard laughing and squealing, their parrots watching from above, Grandpa stood next to me watching with the biggest, grin ever. He spoke not a word to me, but he need not have. His proud and joyful smile said it all.

That moment was everything that kite-flying should be: beautiful, joyful, peaceful.

Not one or two days later, as I brought the recycling out to the garage, my feet got all tangled in the tails of the kites and I became so frustrated that I picked the kites up and threw them into the recycling bin, along with everything else. “ARGH! I knew we didn’t have room for these things; they are just more hassle than they are worth,” I said grumpily and rather “Grinch” like. The next day, my boys asked for their kites because they wanted to fly them one last time with Grandpa before he and Grandma drove home.

“Where are the kites?” they excitedly asked me.

“Oh, I don’t know. They must have gotten lost?” I said, feeling really crappy inside as I saw the sadness take over their eyes. “I’m sorry, guys. Why don’t you have another teddy bear picnic with Grandma and Grandpa?” My answer and I were total disappointments. Sigh. Luckily for me, this story hadn’t crossed my mind once until a few weeks ago.

While shopping at the toy store one day, my boys had spotted some huge parrot kites and insisted I buy them. Being the more relaxed, “yes, let’s go fly a kite today and forget the to-do list” person that The Orange Rhino Challenge helped me to become, I joyfully bought them and we immediately hit the park because the wind really was quite perfect. I am so grateful that I said, “yes” that moment for the afternoon of kite flying was one of the most incredible afternoons I had had with my boys in a while.

We all ran around together for at least an hour, laughing and smiling as we successfully got the kites up and learned how to make them do all sorts of tricks. Seeing their faces light up when they did it on their own, hearing them scream,  “Mommy, LOOK! LOOK! Look how high my kite is,” and “Mommy, I do it! I do it!” and “Mommy, this is soooo much fun!” just melted my heart. I was so incredibly present and focused at that moment that I readily absorbed every single belly laugh and squeal. In fact, I had such fun that afternoon that according to my husband, I told him not once, not twice, but three times in the same night how much fun I had that day flying the kites with the boys. I guess I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm and joy; it was just that awesome of an afternoon.

So kites, and the awesome memories they bring, were still on my mind when two days later I learned that my father-in-law’s Alzheimer’s had gotten so bad that it was time for him to go into a nursing home. That night, when the kids were in bed and I finally had enough peace and quiet to really process the news, to no surprise the memory of my boys learning how to fly a kite from their Grandpa hit me hard, really, really hard. Did I remember the joy they had shared with Grandpa during that visit? Oh, yes.

But do you know what I remembered even more?

The fact that during that visit my uptight, irrational, and impulsive tendencies triggered me to throw out my boys’ kites, depriving them of one more precious kite flying memory with their Grandpa. This memory stung and then crushed my heart to pieces as I suddenly realized that the kite flying memory was literally the last major “interactive” moment my kids shared with their Grandpa Richard. After Grandpa and Grandma drove away that day, things went down fast, really, really fast, and all that Grandpa could do on future visits was sit next to my boys as they cuddled with him and talked to him, desperately seeking a smile, laugh or conversation; a smile, laugh and conversation that never came.

Yes, the last smile, laugh and conversation my boys shared with Grandpa was the day he taught them to fly kites. And while that interaction was absolutely wonderful, because of me, I kept it from being even greater. And while I am so very, very thankful that they do have that memory to hold onto, that we all have that memory to hold onto, that night I felt such immense guilt about “depriving” my kids of one more memory with Grandpa that I crumbled down to the bathroom floor in a big pile of tears.

Thankfully, somewhere between my sobbing and my self-ridiculing that I am too uptight and too easily frustrated, I had a moment of much needed clarity.

“You can’t get every moment ‘right’; it is impossible and it’s okay.” I thought to myself. “It’s okay that you ‘missed’ creating one moment, because the boys had a great moment before and had many snuggly, albeit different, moments after with Grandpa. The good memories with their Grandpa far outweigh the missed moments and that’s what matters. You are going to miss opportunities to create good moments in the future, for all sorts of different reasons. Don’t worry about those moments; instead put your energy into grabbing the moments that you can and be as present as you can to make those moments so kick-ass that the ‘missed’ ones get pushed so far down in your mind that they don’t even register.”

And then, in this deep, heavy moment, I actually smiled. I smiled because I realized that the “new” revelations I had just had weren’t new at all, but instead were just a version of what I had been writing to fellow Orange Rhinos for a while. I frequently write to discouraged Orange Rhinos, “Yells will happen. But one yell doesn’t discredit all the other moments you didn’t yell.  The goal is more loving moments; to have the number of moments where you don’t yell to be greater than when you do so that the good moments take over the bad ones.” And I write, “The goal isn’t to be perfect at every moment. It is to do the best that you can at any given moment and to then forgive yourself for moments you aren’t so proud of.”

I smiled because once again, something I learned on The Challenge didn’t just apply to yelling situations, but also to greater life situations.

I smiled because thankfully, these old/new revelations helped me forgive myself for throwing out the kites years prior and filled me with an inspiring new life mantra:

We had so much fun flying kites that on Mother’s Day we got our parrot kites out and flew them again. And again. And again.

“Just go fly a kite and get carried away in that moment instead of held down by a moment missed.”

Learn more about the many ways The Orange Rhino Challenge enhanced my life – and how much it changed me – in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids.” Part memoir, part parenting guide, my book takes you on my journey to stop yelling while leading you on your own. Each day shares a personal story from my experience, top revelations (i.e. the cliff notes for those busy days when there is little time to read!), suggested actions for the day and 3 tips to yell less. Pre-order “Yell Less, Love More” today by clicking here.

{sometimes} Noise Makes Me Yell at My Kids.
This post I wrote last week, well, it struck a really big chord with a lot of you. It seems that I am so not the only who struggles to stay calm and quiet when overwhelmed by both loud noises (kids arguing, argh!) and annoying noises (lip smacking while slurping cereal, double argh!) So, I thought I would share with you all how I handle this trigger that constantly screams in my ear, “Neener neener neener, you’re gonna explode!”

Here are my top 15 Ways to Not Yell When Noise is a Trigger, grouped into three levels, depending on severity of the noise!

When I am feeling Cool and not close to yelling…I aim to keep it that way by doing these preventative measures.

• Use a quieter voice throughout the day.
  I quickly learned on my journey that the quieter and calmer I am, the quieter and calmer the kids are! The challenge? I don’t naturally have a quiet voice! It is actually loud and intimidating (or so I’ve been told.) So I have actively had to teach myself to change my tone, which has been hard, but worth it! My new tone has definitely lowered the loud, gonna-put-me-close-to-the-edge, if not over it, outbursts!
• Walk to closer to my kids so they can hear me without my loud voice.
  One day I “yelled” down to my boys to come up for dinner. They all starting “yelling back;” in other words, they matched my voice level. 5 people at that level made me batty!!! At that point I started trying not to “yell” (use a loud voice to get attention) to my kids when they are outside to come in or to “yell” come up from the basement because doing so just creates an immediate upswing in the noise level in the house, which means an immediate upswing in my chances of losing it! (Let’s face it though; this one is hard to execute! I can be lazy and not want to walk the extra 10 steps to use a quieter voice!)
• Practice with my boys how to take turns talking.
  For real. Sometimes I feel like a schoolteacher, as I ask my boys to raise their hands, but it is a necessity with so many munchkins who are still learning patience! I also remind them that don’t yell at school or talk out of turn which means they are capable of doing the same at home!
• Prioritize Sleep and Minimize Caffeine.
  Ugh. I can’t stand this preventative measure but without it, noise, all kinds, just gets to me faster and more furiously. Less sleep, more caffeine = more edge, less calm. More sleep, less caffeine = more loving, less yelling. It’s that simple and yet so stinkin’ hard!!

When things are Warming up and my desire to yell is growing…I pull out some of my creative alternatives to yelling to block out the noise or help me to relax (or both.)

• Wear earmuffs or put my fingers in ears.
  Yes, I am for real. And yes, my brown furry ones make me look like Princess Leia (which my boys think is so cool) but they block out the noise and help me stay calm. I also put my fingers in my ears if I feel I am agitated and pre-disposed to be extra on edge. This not only helps with the noise level, but it is also a superb signal to my boys that they need to quiet down or mom’s going to go apeshit.
• Turn on my favorite music.
  Okay, this is a tricky one. I like to put music on to calm me down when noise starts getting to me. Sometimes, I put it on loud to drown them out my boys if they are the source of the noise (awesome in the car) or sometimes I just put on a favorite song to sing along to so I find noise I like (Journey, “Don’t Stop Believin’). The challenge though, is that this can backfire! If my boys are loud because they are in an over stimulated state, the noise can agitate them even more and push them to really start yelling. I tread carefully with this one. Sometimes I read the situation right, sometimes not so much.
• State the problem.
  My boys are at the stage right now where they still think I am cool and want to hang out with me (and on me.) So, when their noise is just too much, I simply state that I need it to quiet down or I’ll being take a mommy break. This works like a charm. And if it doesn’t, leaving the kitchen to sit on the stairs does!
• Light a candle and pretend I’m at a quiet spa.
  Ahh, the silence of a spa. I’ve only been a few times, but it was bliss. I now have a few candles strategically situated in areas where I find I get stressed by noise (oh kitchen, why doth you create such noise?) and I light them (especially my orange one!) when I need serenity, like now!
• Run the faucet to drown out the noise.
  You know why I love the shower? Because it’s quiet. All I hear is running water. Nothing else. I can’t stay in the shower all day; that thing called wicked cold water that comes when all the hot is gone gets to me. So instead I turn the kitchen sink or bathroom sink on for a quick bit to drown out the noise. This sometimes leads to the boys wanting a water fight, which is a mess BUT it does get them to take the noise outside! Speaking of which…
• Ask them to take the show on the road.
  A lot of the parenting tidbits I got from hours waiting in OB/GYN offices went in one ear and out the other (pregnancy brain + sleep deprivation + overwhelmed with info!) But this tip: “Tell kids to take the show on the road when too loud” stuck and I use it often. It encourages them to keep having fun making noise, just in a different room.
• Join the circus.
  Okay, I guess I kind of already have and I am kind of already the ringmaster, but I try to stay out of the chaos as much as I can. That said; sometimes when I can’t escape it I just join it. This way I get to let off some steam and connect with my kiddos, which generally leads them to more readily quiet down when I’ve run out of steam and ask for more quiet.

When I am too Hot to handle (and not in a good way) and yells are at the tip of my tongue…I have three go-to strategies.

• Take deep breaths.
  I can’t stand taking deep breaths. I just can’t. In fact, when my mom tells me too, I practically explode! But, I learned on my Orange Rhino Challenge that they actually work. Three big deep belly breaths help me chill out so I can try some of the cool/warm approaches.
• Walk away.
  This is totally a traditional alternative, but it also totally works. Does the noise sometime follow me? Eh hem, do the kids sometimes follow me and open the door to the bathroom? Yes. But I just keep trying until I find my peace. The good news is that if the noise bothering me isn’t from the kids, I can literally walk away from it (like the constant buzzing of a Hex bug stuck in some small place that we can’t figure out! Oh. My. Gosh. Totally Annoying. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!)And lastly, my favorite,
• Let the yell out into a freezer, or any inanimate object. I can keep myself from yelling all I want when noise triggers me, but sometimes I just have to let my annoyance out with a yell. So I do it somewhere safe, like the freezer, a cabinet, the car, the garage, the closet or the bathroom. Once calm, I try the “warm ways” and then hopefully, the “cool ways.”

These are just 15 of the things I try to do to manage my noise trigger. I hope at least a few of them help you if you struggle with this same trigger. If not, just admitting to yourself that noise is a trigger, and a real one, is a huge step towards kicking its ass and managing it. All you need to do next is practice different alternatives until you find what works best to “block out the noise so you can block out the desire to yell.”

* * * * *
Find a list of my Top 10 Triggers and How I Manage them, as well as simple steps to help you learn to yell less, in my new book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids, and How You Can Too!” You can pre-order it here. 

My husband asked me this past week what I wanted and what I wanted to do for Mother’s Day.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Well, I need some guidance or you’ll be massively disappointed,” he replied.
“I know. I just don’t know what I want, you know?!” I answered exasperated.

And I didn’t really. Because every year when he asks me this exact question, I have the same exact internal fight.

Part of me really, really, REALLY, wants to ask for the entire day off to be by myself, to sit in peace and quiet, to pee without interruption, to catch up on the to-do’s on my “I wish I could get to list,” to call my girlfriends and talk for a whole five minutes, and to reflect on life and realize just how grateful I feel and how much I love my kiddos.

The day I became a Mommy…the best. moment. ever.

And well, the other part of me thinks the exact opposite! And not just because I feel guilty being away from my kids (the reason I am a mom in the first place!) but also because I love my kids and genuinely want to be with them on this special day! Yep, this part of me wants to spend all day with my kiddos, laughing, smiling, sharing stories, creating all sorts of wonderful new memories to add to the list­ all while relishing that I can do so much more easily because I have a small “free pass” to be a little less responsible that day. This part of me also wants to just sit and watch my sons play and well, just be, because that makes me feel so grateful that they are mine and fills my heart with such immense love.

Oh, the internal fight! Do I ask for the day off that my body and mind crave or do I ask that we do an exciting family adventure together, which I also crave?  Ah, such decisions and year after year, no clear answer. The only certainty that I do have every year is that I wish for some really awesome store bought gift (that my husband would “flawlessly” pick out after mind-reading my un-made-up mind) and some really awesome homemade gift from my boys. As I flipped through magazines the other night looking for ideas to telepathically send to my husband, for the first time I had another piece of clarity regarding Mother’s Day. Three actually.

First, I could please both parts of my mind. Duh! I could have time to myself AND time with my family and not feel any guilt, but just peace and joy, both by myself and with my boys.

Second, I realized what I already knew–I really didn’t need anything! Sure a pretty blue tray for the kitchen would be nice, but so not necessary. And yes, another pretty picture frame would be nice, but also so not necessary.  This all led me to the third clear piece of information, the way more important piece if you ask me.

I realized that, “The best gift for me for Mother’s Day isn’t a gift that my husband and kids can give me. They already give me what I want weekly–precious time alone, precious time together and precious gifts here and there. There isn’t anything more they can give me, tangible or intangible. Nope, the best gift for me for Mother’s Day can’t come from anyone else; it needs to come from me. And I really, really want it because I have been craving it for a while now.”

So what is it I want you ask? What do I want to give to myself?

I want to give myself the gift of taking care of me without feeling guilty.
I want to give myself the gift of enjoying a relaxing moment without feeling unproductive.

I want to give myself the gift of forgiveness, much, much more often.
I want to give myself the gift of less criticism, every, single, day (hour?!)
I want to give myself the gift of believing in myself, in my strengths, when doubt arises.

I want to give myself the gift of acceptance; I want to look in the mirror and see more beauty and less ugly, both in and out. And, I want to look in the mirror and not think of what I still need to change, but what I have already changed, no matter how small.

I want to give myself the gift of security; I want to walk down the streets and feel more comfortable in who I am, in my decisions, in my parenting and less concerned about what others think I am (or am not.)

I want to give myself the gift of confidence that with every day that passes, I am doing a little better at doing all of the above and even more so, that it is okay to be struggling with all of the above! Yes, I want to give myself the gift of confidence that even though I feel that there is room for personal improvement, that the base is still pretty awesome and acceptable!

So in other words, I want to give myself the gifts of self-love, self-appreciation, and self-confidence.

Yes, those are the gifts I want for Mother’s Day because well, because I know that I deserve them and that I have been depriving myself of them for way, waaaay too long. I have definitely improved giving myself all of the above gifts since I started The Orange Rhino Challenge, like big time. Tracking my triggers made it obnoxiously clear that when I am down on myself, I got lost in la-la land (also known as “I totally stink-stink land”) and was much more apt to snap or yell unnecessarily. So, I started talking to myself and being nicer to me and it totally helped.

But this Mother’s Day, I know that I am still depriving myself of some of the self-love, self-appreciation and self-confidence that I deserve; that we all deserve! Just to be clear, I am not out to become massively egotistical and obnoxious. I just want to become more even. You know, if you have a scale and the left is “I’m not good enough” land and the right is way-to-confident land, I want to be in the middle-ish. Having the scale weigh too much towards the “not good enough land” is not only punitive, but it also a clear contributor to the stress and occasional unhappiness in my life! And honestly I am tired of all the crap I give myself! Who needs or wants that? “Not I,” said The Orange Rhino! I want to indulge myself instead.

Ooh, I even feel guilty and obnoxious saying that! But it is true and it is OKAY to want to spoil myself with kinder words and thoughts!

Keep up the hugs kids; mommy always needs them!

So my dear husband, if you and the kids want to give me anything – please just help me find these gifts for myself by continuing to love me and believe in me, not just today, but everyday. These gifts are really the only things I need and want right now. Okay, not the only things, but some of the really important ones. I feel like (or naively believe) that even just a little of these gifts will make me a little happier which will make me a little better mom which will make me feel happier which will make me an even better mom…and so on and so forth. So don’t give me a doughnut, or a cookie, or a muffin. Give me the support and assurance that’s it is not just okay to give back to myself, but absolutely deserved.

I’m not the only one who deserves these gifts. You all deserve them. Yes, you also deserve a trip to the spa…a long one! Yes, you also deserve to sleep in and have breakfast served to you in bed. And yes, you also deserve to be slobbered in kisses and smothered in hugs. But for real, you also deserve to give yourself kindness. And not just today, Mother’s Day, but everyday. You both deserve it AND have earned it. You are a great mom. You are showing up and trying everyday to do your best…and that is what matters.

(Hey Orange Rhino, think you should print that last line up and post it everywhere in your house so you say it to yourself a thousand times a day? Yeah, I thought the answer would be, “Yes.” And if you don’t do so hot at “improving” forgive yourself and move on, okay?!)

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Read more about how I mostly figured out how to give back to myself in order to keep yelling at bay in my book, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids and How You Can Too.” It’s a 30-day guide complete with 100 alternatives to yelling, simple actions to follow, and honest stories from my journey to inspire you on your own. Pre-order it here for arrival early September…just in time for back to school when the change in routine is getting to everyone and the “yells” are really wanting to be part of that routine!