August 7, 2014

I had the wonderful opportunity to actually, get this, sit down, drink a cup of hot coffee and hang out with a friend the other night. It was marvelous. Absolutely, marvelous. We covered all the basic gossip stories, you know would Kimye make it as a couple, what about Jen Garner and Ben Affleck, all the basic here’s what our kids are up to stories, mine finally potty trained, mine is still sick, and we covered all the basic how are yous, how are you feeling about work, about life, marriage, motherhood etc. And this is where we ended up talking about bedtime and how brutal it can be.

You see, I was on “vacation” and when I am on “vacation” with my kids, they NEVER ever go to sleep easily. Like never, ever! Did I mention, never, ever? I mean, it’s not like bedtime at home is a peace of cake but whoa is it easier than on “vacation.” Bedtime is simply a disaster on vacation because of all the, “I want to stay up late because you know it’s vacation mom,” and “I don’t want to share a room with all my brothers,” and “I don’t like the sheets at Grandma’s” and the “This room has weird shadows my room doesn’t.” And well, it is also a disaster because of the decrease in routine and increase in, eh hem, sugar and adrenaline.

Anywho, so we got talking about bedtime and my friend said,

“How the heck do you not yell at bedtime? I mean really. Does someone else do it for you?!”

My boys, just chilling. Can you imagine if bedtime was always this relaxed?!!

Ha!!! Oh how sometimes I wish it were true. But it’s not. What is true though is that years ago, pre-The Orange Rhino Challenge, bedtime didn’t just use to make me yell at my kids, it used to make me scream. It was so stressful and anything but chill. And, it was the worst feeling to send my kids to bed almost every night with their hearts full of my anger, not my love. The absolute worst feeling in the world. Oh the guilt and shame. Blech! Thank goodness The Orange Rhino Challenge helped me identify bedtime as a trigger and pushed me to figure out how to manage it so that it wouldn’t be full of my yells. (My kids’ yells, well, that is almost always expected at bedtime!)

That night I shared with my girlfriend my secrets to not yelling at bedtime. Tonight, I share them with you, albeit in a way more formal manner and with way more detail, but hey, the main message is still there!

* * * * *

My biggest “secret” to not yelling at bedtime is that I finally, and fully, embraced and reminded myself of three Orange Rhino Revelations about sleeping that I learned on my journey to yell less:

1. If I rush my boys at bedtime, it goes slower. Rushing is counterproductive.
2. If I yell at my boys during bedtime, they cry, bedtime takes longer. Yelling is counterproductive.
3. If I approach bedtime with a positive attitude, as opposed to dreading it, it not only goes faster and smoother, but it also becomes a very calm and special time.

These revelations keep me from yelling every night, as do these additional revelations and tips which are specific to my 5 top bedtime triggers.

Kids Dawdling and Not Doing Task At Hand
Orange Rhino Revelations: If I rush my boys, they will go slower. If I nag them, they will go slower. If I yell at them to hurry up, they will cry and definitely take longer. However, if I gently encourage them to complete their tasks so we can have more time to read books and snuggle, they proceed “faster.”

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Tell myself over and over again that if I rush bedtime, it goes slower.
• Tell myself that yelling will only make dawdling more intense.
• Take deep breaths to help me slow down so that I don’t put off a “go, go, go” vibe.
• Use humor to diffuse the stress and connect with kids so they want to do what I ask. Talk like toothpaste is stuck to my teeth. Brush teeth with finger.
• Walk away and just start reading a book; invite them to join you when they have finished their tasks.
• Give in! “Okay, so no one wants to brush teeth. Lets sing instead for a few minutes and then we’ll do it.” Sometimes the power struggle isn’t worth it!

Parental Stress, Exhaustion, and Therefore Huge Desire for Personal Time
Orange Rhino Revelations: My quiet, relaxing downtime doesn’t need to start as soon as all the kids are asleep; I can start it at bedtime.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Change into comfortable clothes to feel more chill.
• Create a relaxing, quiet environment. Think spa! Turn the lights down. Light a spa candle. Listen to soothing music. Upside? It relaxes boys too, which helps bedtime go smoother!
• (again) Tell myself that letting my stress and exhaustion push me to yell will just upset the kids which will make them move slower and will upset me more and make me yell more and will greatly delay getting to my personal time.

Bathwater (and Toothpaste!) Going Everywhere
Orange Rhino Revelations: Perspective is a powerful tool. When I can put things into perspective, I realize that yelling isn’t necessary and that again, it will make matters worse.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Use my “at least” technique to find perspective and calm, i.e., “At least it is just water and not sticky orange juice spraying everywhere,” “At least the water is on the tile bathroom floor and not the carpeted bedroom floor.” And the big one I use, “At least I have this special time at the end of the day to connect with my kids before they go off to sleep.” This last one really helps me to re-focus on what matters.
• Put preventative measures in place: put towels down, wear an apron to keep clothes dry, do push-ups (or any exercise) while kids bathe as exercise creates positive energy and prepares me to handle the annoyance with more calm.

Asking for One More Thing, One Hundred Times!
Orange Rhino Revelation: When my kids ask for one more thing, it isn’t because they need one more cracker, one more book, or one more sip of water, it is because they want one more minute with me. If I give them that minute in a totally focused, calm, loving way, there will not only be less requests after, but also, I will then feel more comfortable being firm with the bedtime rules as I was just extra loving.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Find empathy. I put myself in their “shoes” (mind) and remember that when I was a kid, I did the same thing. This softens my heart and lets me give the connection to my kids they crave.
• Offer a hug as a substitution; it will make everyone feel better.
• Take a break. Walk away and yell into a closet. Clothes don’t have feelings, kids do.
• If possible, tag out and have someone else help with bed.

The Unspoken Trigger: Approaching bedtime with dread and a negative attitude
Orange Rhino Revelations: Negative attitudes attract negative actions; when I approach the bedtime hour with grumpiness, the kids sense it and act grumpy right back which makes me yell. When I embrace bedtime with a positive approach, I am less distracted, more present, and we all enjoy bedtime more – it actually becomes a special time.

Orange Rhino Tips to Prevent Yelling:

• Change attitude from, “I just want this hour over,” to “YES! Let’s get this hour started. It’s a great last chance of the day to enjoy my kids and show them my love before I don’t see them for 12 hours.”
• Embrace the challenge of bedtime. “Yep! Bedtime is going to be hard. I know it. I accept it. I will not be surprised or annoyed when it is. I will just go with it.”
• Talk positively to self, “I can do this. It is just 45 minutes. I have had successful bedtimes, I can do this one.”
• Fake it until you make it! Smile lots. Laugh lots. Say “Bedtime rocks,” and “I love bedtime” lots.

So much for sharing one “secret” to a peaceful bedtime, eh? Well since I already shared a zillion, here’s one more. Bedtime in The Orange Rhino house still isn’t perfect as a result of all of the above, but it is a heck of a lot, and I mean heck of lot easier to not yell at bedtime than it was before and it is way more, way, way more quiet and peaceful!

Bedtime isn’t my only yelling trigger 😉 That would be too easy! If you would like to learn about my other major triggers, as well as my solutions to them, check out my new book “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids–and How You Can too!” It is a 30-day guide with honest stories to inspire, 100 alternatives to yelling and simple steps to follow. It hits shelves this October but you can pre-order it now to ensure that you get one of the lowest prices and that you have it when I start a guided 30-day Challenge this fall! Click here to pre-order!  

August 13, 2013

I remember so very clearly the beautiful October day my husband and I left Carolinas Medical Center in Charlotte, North Carolina with our first son. The sky was bright blue with pure white wispy clouds. Some of the trees had just started changing color and those red, yellow and orange leaves shone gorgeously under the sun. My husband and I love the fall, and love days just like that one. It could not have been a more perfect day to bring our first child outside, into the world for the first time.

We clicked his car seat in and I hopped in next to him. The thought of him riding in the back seat alone for the entire six-minute drive home was just too much to bear! As my husband starting pulling out of the hospital parking lot I noticed that he was driving even more slow and cautious than usual to the point where I had to say, “Babe, can you drive a little faster?!”

“I just don’t want to get into an accident.” he replied. “We have a child now. We need to be safer.”

He was right. Our world had just changed. We were no longer responsible for ourselves, but also for this beautiful little being sleeping in the backseat in his adorable sailboat outfit. We continued on at the snails pace, cars honking at us and pacing us. They obviously had no idea that we had brand new precious cargo…or that we were brand new parents who suddenly interpreted the words “drive safely” on an entirely new level.

We got home safe and sound and officially began our journey as parents.

Getting ready to have some dreams and wishes of my own!

Our son finally settled into his bouncy seat immediately next to us at the dinner table (of course), we settled into our own seats and began pondering all that had just occurred the last four days. My husband paused from shoving food in (we had already learned to shove food in, not knowing then #1 would cry and need attention), and looked up at me,

“Isn’t there a manual that comes with babies? Like how to do all this stuff and what each cry means?” I smiled and replied with,

“I know, right? I mean I can’t believe that the hospital just let us walk out of with this fragile person, trusting that we would know what to do, that we would care for it well, that we would love it enough. I mean wow, are they nuts?!”

We both laughed and then #1 woke up and those ten minutes of peace and reflection passed. It was a good thing we had stuffed the food in!

As I look back at the arrival of my first son and that first night home and all the things we didn’t know what to do, I don’t wish that someone had told me before hand how to do them. I don’t wish someone had given me more explicit directions about burping, feeding, sleeping habits, soothing, bathing. Nope. I knew in due time that experience would teach me those things. But what I do wish is that someone told me to take the time BEFORE he was born to write down my wishes and dreams for him. I wish that someone had told me to write down which values I want to teach him, both through example and through experience.

Oh I wish that I had written about both of these topics because often at the end of the day I find myself wondering, am I doing a good job parenting? Am I being the parent I want to be? And when I start to think these thoughts, I find that I don’t have the answer.

Maybe it’s because of my analytical nature (or maybe it’s just because there is no real answer), but for me, how can I know the answer to such questions if I don’t know what I am measuring against? If I don’t know what kind of parent I am aiming to be? I mean sure I know in the back of my mind what I want to be teaching and how I want to be loving but I also know that with all the chaos that life brings that I don’t keep these thoughts at the front of my mind. And I know that I want to. Desperately. Because they matter more than “did I teach my son to tie his shoelaces today?”

And I know that making a visual cue, perhaps a typed up list of my wishes for my children, my dreams of what I hope to teach them, would help me remember the kind of parent I aspire to be. I could look at it and say, “Okay. I didn’t do the dishes today, but I did work to make a wish of mine for my children come true so I am doing okay at this parenting gig.” Oh how I have wanted to get around to making that visual. I just, you know, have never gotten around to doing it. Sigh.

But then this past weekend happened. I was at a baby shower for a dear friend who is having her first child this fall. The activity was to fill out the form “Wishes for Baby.” I knew the activity was intended for my friend, but I felt like it was really intended for me. I felt like it was the push to get me to do what I have wanted to do for almost seven years but have been pushing off. I filled out the form for her and then took a blank one for me.

The way I see it, it is never too late to have a wish, to share a wish, or to make it happen.

For my sons, who I love so very much, these are my “Wishes for Baby” that I have always had, just never shared. While you are no longer babies per say, you will always be my babies and I will always have these wishes for you, and more. I hope that I can do my part to make them happen!

I hope you learn to: Dance in the rain, literally and metaphorically. There will be storms in your life. When you can, embrace the storm. Know that it will pass and will leave you stronger and with a new perspective. So put on the rain boots and go outside and let the rain pound down on you. You’ll feel refreshed and alive.

I hope you love: With all your heart. It might get broken and that’s okay. It will just help you appreciate what real love is when it comes along.

I hope you aren’t afraid to: Believe in your dreams and passionately pursue them. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that your dreams are foolish and unachievable. Ever.

I hope you get: To experience success, but also, failure. Success will give you confidence, but failure will keep you humble and will teach you how to persevere.

I hope you laugh at: Yourself whenever you can even if you have made a mistake, and never at someone else (unless of course a joke was made.) Laughter makes life lighter and more enjoyable.

I hope you grow: Kindness in your heart and plant it everywhere you go. Random acts of kindness are the most wonderful gifts, a gift that is always needed, always treasured and always impactful in ways you cannot imagine.

I hope you respect: Yourself and all the decisions you make. You will sleep much better at night knowing that you spent the day honorably, wisely, and kindly.

I hope you become: A man who follows his heart for happiness, a man who treats women (and men) with respect, a man who stands up for others, and a man who is not afraid to be true to himself and who he is.

I hope you never forget: Just how very, very much you are loved, appreciated, needed and supported. I hope you never forget how grateful we are that you are in our lives. I hope you never forget how proud we are of you. And I hope you never forget all of the above wishes we have for you.

* * * * *

I share one of my favorite promises to my boys (and favorite stories that always makes me tear up!) in my new parenting memoir/guide, “Yell Less, Love More: How The Orange Rhino Mom Stopped Yelling at Her Kids-and How You Can Too!” Full of 100 Alternatives to yelling, Simple, Daily Steps to follow, and honest stories to inspire, my book shares my journey to yell less while gently guiding you on your own. It hits shelves in October but you can pre-order it now by clicking here (you’ll hit my Publishers site which lists all the online retailers!)

December 31, 2012
328 days of not yelling, 37 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

This is my best attempt of summarizing how I stopped yelling at my four boys and stopped feeling the awful guilt, anger, disappointment, sadness, and hopelessness inside every single time I yelled. It isn’t scientific and it isn’t backed up by an advanced degree in childhood behavior, therapy, life coaching or any topic you might think relevant to this subject. What it is, however, is an honest, from the trenches account from a real mom and it is something that YOU can do. I am not going to tell you it was easy. It wasn’t. It was hard. BUT it was DOABLE. And I am not going to tell you it is one, single, concrete thing you can do at the moment you want to yell. It isn’t. It is a process and it takes work. BUT again, it is DOABLE.

Good luck!
The Orange Rhino

*

Step 1: Acknowledge that you need to change, Decide that you want to change, and fully Commit to changing. I didn’t just casually do these things, I REALLY acknowledged, REALLY decided, REALLY committed. Changing a bad habit is a big job. It required an equally big amount of energy and focus. I gave The Orange Rhino Challenge MY ALL. I took it seriously, I made it a real priority, I believed in it and myself, and I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to succeed. 

Step 2: Set a Goal. Yes, 365 days straight is a bit severe but it was a clear and inspiring goal, for me. Pick a goal for you that isn’t too vague, isn’t too overwhelming but is also motivational and measurable. Pick a goal that will help you yell LESS and build confidence. Some ideas beyond 365 days: 30 days without yelling, 30 bedtimes without yelling, 1 week without yelling. For more ideas read this blog post: Forget 365.

Step 3: Share your Goal to Create Accountability. I told my friends and family about my goal in order to make it “real” and not just a casual idea. Yes, it was hard to admit that I yelled too much but I knew it was important to have a group of people to be accountable to and share my progress with.

Step 4:  Create a Support Network. There are four people I wouldn’t have survived this without.
(a) The Pep-Talker: The person you can call when you want to quit who will always tell you not to, that you can do it and that you’re doing great. This is my hubby’s job!
(b) The Texter: The person (people) you can text whenever you feel the urge to yell. Choose people who you know will reply back quickly with a supportive “don’t do it!”
(c) The Children: As in your children. Whenever my boys sense I’m getting ready to yell they say “Orange Rhino!” It works wonders. Wonders.
(d) The Orange Rhino Facebook Community. These are the people who can give you advice, encouragement on bad days, and hooray’s! on good days.  These are the people who will stand by you without judgment, who will remind you that you are not alone and who will inspire you to keep going.

Step 5: Track your Triggers. This is the part no one wants to do, but needs to do! My first 10 days I wrote down on orange post-it notes when I yelled, why I yelled, my mood, my kids mood, time of day etc. Tracking helped me:
(a) Create a mental alarm system that now goes off BEFORE I yell. (ie. Warning! Legos all over floor. You will yell. Prepare yourself for self-control. )
(b) Identify small problems that can easily be fixed and larger problems that can be focused on one at a time (ie. rushing in morning makes me yell, put out breakfast plates at night)
(c) Gain self-awareness that 9 out of 10 times underneath the “triggers” was the real trigger, my mood, and that therefore I needed to focus on my role in the “wanting to yell situation,” not just the kids. (ie. I want to yell because the kids are too loud, but REALLY I’m just tired) and ultimately
(d) Create a preventative measures plan to practice (eat well, exercise, go to sleep earlier, don’t bottle up emotions, etc…)
Read my post on Tracking your Triggers here.

Step 6: Start practicing slowly. Learning not to yell AT your kids is a big change; take baby steps and know that it takes practice! First, I taught myself to yell AWAY from my kids. I stilled yelled, but not at them, not in their faces. Instead I yelled in closets, toilets, cupboards, cars, boxes, shoes, bags. I yelled anywhere BUT at them. After, I trained myself to turn away AND not say the mean words. I let out yells (ARGH!!!!), animal sounds (Roar!), whistles and whatever else came to my voice.  The key here is repetition and accepting that “I can not always control my kids action, but I CAN always control my reaction.”

Step 7: Keep Practicing! After ten days of feeling silly yelling into the toilet and making animal sounds all day, and realizing that I DID have the self control to not yell at my boys, the desire to yell faded. I turned my energy towards (1) finding and practicing new ways to stay calm, (2) identifying, understanding and alleviating triggers, and (3) owning up to my own mood as the REAL source of the problem. Yes, I kept working at everything until I found my groove. For 100 Alternatives to Yelling that I tried, click here.

Step 8: Keep Goal top of mind. I practically decorated the house and myself in orange for a month straight to keep my promise top of mind; and I still do. Serve orange foods, wear orange, post sweet, gentle, “I can’t imagine yelling at that precious” baby pictures in problem areas, do whatever works to keep you focused on your goal.

Step 9: Persevere when you yell. In the beginning I restarted several times. I was discouraged until I started reminding myself that this was a process, that it would take time, and that the upside of yelling was that I learned about a trigger and what response to calm myself didn’t work. I didn’t fail; I just got more data points for how to succeed! Besides, telling myself I failed just made me feel crankier and yell more. So I stopped being so hard on myself, and when I did yell, I forgave myself, apologized to my kids, and promised to keep on trying.

Step 10: Celebrate when you succeed. Any moment I didn’t yell was a success, even if I had yelled moments before, and I celebrated those moments with either a fist pump in the air (yes, I did that!) or posting on Facebook. Everyone needs visual positive reinforcement too; my countdown clock on my blog does that for me. Other ideas for you: Make an orange heart on a calendar for every day you don’t yell, put an orange m&m in a jar for every moment you don’t yell, place an orange post it note on the wall near where you didn’t yell. Get creative but praise yourself!

Step 11: Stop Yelling, Start Thinking, Continue Calmly. And yes, despite all of the above, there are still moments where I feel a yell brewing. And then I turn to this mantra. STOP the Yell. (close my mouth, clench my hands, count to 10). START thinking (what’s the trigger, what calms me down, how can I proceed) and continue CALMLY.

Step 12: Remember that you are not alone, that I believe in you and that I am here to help you!

* It was HARD to learn to not yell and HARD to summarize all I did in a short blog post. If you want more information, comment and I will add it in future blog posts or point you in the right direction! Or read these posts mentioned above:

For goal setting: Forget 365 Days
For tracking triggers, a very useful step: Tracking My Triggers
For alternatives to yelling: 100 Alternatives