Category Archives: The Grorange Life

What Do I Need Right Now? The Question I Keep Coming Back To

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I want to share a question with you that I ask myself often. Well, I guess it is several questions, all variations of the same. But of course I am going to share it within a story 🙂

I sit here typing, struggling. I think I have another mild concussion or at least whiplash. May 5, 2017 I was in a car accident. Major concussion. It sucked. I got out of the car then (didn’t realize how bad my symptoms were yet) and saw that I had been hit by a brand new driver. She was in tears and the fear in her face just melted my mama heart. Any anger I could have felt disappeared.

My brand new car that I bought all by myself post divorce, a car that represented my new start, was destroyed and yet I didn’t feel an ounce of anger at that moment.

Instead, I focused my energy on soothing this young teenager.

“I am okay.” I promised her. “Your parents will be happy you are okay.” I reassured her. “Listen, everyone has a first accident. You are lucky it was your parents car and not your own and now you have it out of the way!” I said, trying to make her smile.

She just kept saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.”

I just kept saying, “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m okay, it’s going to be okay!” Maybe I was in shock.

Maybe I truly felt more empathy than anger at that point. Or maybe I was just in full on Orange Rhino mode and knew that yelling wasn’t worth it. (Maybe, it was all three.) Honestly, what good would yelling have achieved?

Would it have made my car new again? No.
Would it have made my neck stop aching? No.
Would it have made her feel any better? No.
Would it have made her feel a heck of a lot worse and therefore an even more nervous driver for months to come and therefore more prone for accidents? Yes.
Would it have made me physically feel worse? Yes.

Yelling would have done me no good. I am glad that I didn’t yell then. Absolutely no upside.

Back to the present day. Ever since that concussion back in 2017, the mildest thing can set my head off, even not getting into a car accident. Sunday night I was driving my boys to dinner. I was going down a very small hill, totally going the speed limit, when a car at the bottom was clearly not yielding. I had the right of way. We were about to slam into each other. It was either going to be a head-on collision or I was going to be nailed right in the driver’s side door. Full speed.

When I say fear consumed me at that moment, that second, it is an understatement. Saying I saw my life flash before my eyes is an overstatement and yet, feels really close to the best statement. Holy sh*t.

I slammed on my brakes so freakin’ hard and they screeched and jerked (along with my entire body and especially my neck) as my minivan violently but quickly came to a halt inches, centimeters (?) from the other driver’s car. My left arm immediately went up and pointed to the yield sign and I mouthed the words “Yield! You have a yield.”

My right arm remained where it always goes – in front of my front seat passenger. My right arm had gone out to protect my son just as fast as my foot went to slam on the breaks. As I began to drive forward, the driver rolled down his window and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t see you.”

Somehow, despite being completely freaking scared and triggered, I calmly replied, “I am just glad no one got hurt.” I then drove on and well, promptly burst into tears.

One son asked why I was crying. I said, “Well, that was just really scary and I am just so relieved and happy we are okay. I really meant that.”

Another son asked, “Why didn’t you yell at him? Tell him what a jerk driver he was?”

My response? “Well, what good would that have done? What would it have achieved? It wouldn’t have made things better? In fact it could have made things worse? What if my yelling really pissed him off and he got angry instead of apologetic and started a fight? Nobody got hurt. We are all okay. We are safe. Yelling wasn’t going to achieve anything. And besides, how can I yell at a car that looks like Rudolph?”

I meant what I said to him. What good would yelling have done? We all know fundamentally yelling doesn’t do any good. But I often remind myself of that when I can remember too 😉

When I am starting to get agitated – especially with teenagers – I ask myself, “What am I trying to achieve?”

And then when I find myself getting cranky or even yelling…
“Is yelling helping me get what I want/need?”

“Is yelling worth it?”

And then when I find myself even more annoyed with the situation…
“Am I making the situation better or worse by yelling?”

These questions do help ground me and either prevent me from yelling or using a nasty tone or help reel me back in.

Do I remember them all the time?! No. Of course not. BUT with practice, they become more natural. Or with repetition. The more I remind myself that yelling isn’t worth it, the more I remember to find a better, more productive path.

So while I didn’t yell at the gentleman who almost slammed into my family 🙁 I did yell at my family Monday night. All day Monday my body hurt, my head throbbed and everything was freakin’ blurry. I felt like crap. I assumed it was my new medication. I was so moody with my boys. I apologized but still. I was not fun to be around. I put myself to bed early.

Yesterday was better but still symptoms. No yelling though. Why? It dawned on me as I fell asleep holding my head Monday night that I probably had a mild concussion from the whip lash of slamming on the breaks so hard. Understanding of what is going on in our minds and bodies – of our triggers – can do wonders. It doesn’t excuse them, but it explains them which oddly enough helps calm them a little.

Here’s to a Wednesday of gently reminding ourselves that yelling doesn’t really work and that finding our triggers and understanding them does really work!

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Disappeared From The Orange Rhino

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A little more about why I disappeared from The Orange Rhino…as you read this vulnerable, unedited, quickly written story, please remember…You all know that I am brutally honest with you – about my ups, my downs, the in-betweens and that I share my stories and random thoughts in hopes of inspiring you, making you feel less alone, and helping you on your own journey to stop yelling. I do not do it for pity/attention/or to make you think terribly about me 🙂 Story below will clarify why this statement is here. Anywho, onward…

* * * When I started The Orange Rhino, my confidence in sharing everything was fine. I felt okay doing that. I knew it helped others not feel alone.

Then my book came out and some not nice things were said about me / my struggles and that confidence took a hit. Big time. I think one of the things I read somewhere was, “Wow, she is really screwed up.” Another one, “she’s just a mom, no degree.” (That comment needs a whole post dedicated to it. Is there really such a thing as “just a mom?” Um….no!)

Numerous people (who didn’t even read my book) jumped on the yelling less bandwagon and backhandedly bashed me for not being able to completely stop yelling and how ridiculous my goal was in the first place (to go an entire year.) People made judgments about me without fully knowing my story, my insights, my conclusions. I had been completely vulnerable – and okay doing so – and then I got shamed/slammed/insulted for being so.

I am proudly an Orange Rhino – a parent who when provoked, calmly charges forward with confidence and warmth and not harsh words – but I don’t have the thick skin of a Rhino. The personal attacks were very hard to receive. That is an understatement. Some days I cried. There is one that I don’t share that still bothers me – how many years later? Words hurt, folks. Period.

I know that big picture, I could ignore these words. They were “just words” and I knew my truths. But, the words hurt so much that it made it hard to access that mature part of my mind, the confident part of my mind, the determined go get ’em Orange Rhino part of my mind (as my mom calls it.) I would cry to my mom and she would say, “What would The Orange Rhino do? What would she say?” I couldn’t even access it. I didn’t want to.

I went from being excited to be The Orange Rhino to not wanting anything to do with it.

The Orange Rhino went from a positive place for me to a negative one. What didn’t help was that there were several other difficult things going on in my life so I didn’t have the energy to challenge myself to think like The Orange Rhino.

So all the negative comments I read, they just kept churning in my mind. They became imprinted. I never fully processed them or accepted them so that I could put them behind me. I have tried over the last six months or so to process the comments because I was tired of them renting space in my head and because I wanted to somehow find my way back to being The Orange Rhino. I made progress, because, well, here I am.

But here’s the thing…those comments? They weren’t verbal. They were posted on the ever-loving-Internet forever to be seen, forever to be accidentally stumbled upon in a google search. I can’t escape them. Which brings me to yesterday. I have been trying to do some Orange Rhino stuff and it is hard for me, because again, can’t escape the comments.

Yesterday, I stumbled upon one of the comments, the most hurtful one. Immediately, negative thoughts raced through my head:

Maybe I shouldn’t have returned?
Maybe those people were right?
Maybe they are better than me?
Maybe I don’t have anything to offer?
(Insert insecure comment here: you might be thinking, for real, this is her response to some negative comments? The answer is yes, being publicly shamed for being brave and being you, sucks.)

I felt my body shrinking at the computer. I suddenly felt tired. I wanted to just stop and give up and walk away. Fortunately, I needed to do just that because my kids needed to be picked up 🙂 I got into my totally awesome minivan, and the radio came on.

And I kid you not, the lyrics that belted through the radio?

“I’m unstoppable…
I’m invincible…
I’m so powerful…
I’m so confident…
Yeah, I’m unstoppable today…
Unstoppable today
I’m unstoppable today
Break down, only alone I will cry out loud
You’ll never see what’s hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah I know,
I’ve heard that to let your feelings show
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I’m too afraid now
Yeah, yeah I put my armor on,
show you how strong I am
I put my armor on,
I’ll show you that I am I’m unstoppable”
Song: Unstoppable by Sia

I mean, for real?!

This song came on and started at the precise moment when “I’m Unstoppable” was first heard? I never read the lyrics until this morning. And holy shit. Did they hit hard.

So here I am. Afraid to share, but armor on. I will keep trying to charge forward with confidence and be strong and share – because I want to. I truly want to. I will have ups and downs. That is life.

But I’m Unstoppable. I won’t let negative comments take me down. (Okay, I don’t totally believe that. But it came off of my fingertips so clearly my mind WANTS to believe that.

So I will try to. Perhaps you can too? I’m Unstoppable. So are you. You want to stop yelling at your kids? I believe you can. I believe it is possible. I know it is possible. You are Unstoppable. (Apparently fighting amongst siblings who are now awake is also Unstoppable so off I go…no editing, just hitting Post because otherwise, I never will.)

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino

Why I Stopped Holding Back and Started Writing Honestly Again

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Ok. Raw post coming up. Well, coming now.

A few weeks ago Bounceback Parenting unprompted, made this beautiful video review of my book. Her words brought me to tears because she said how she loved how real and raw I was. I hadn’t been feeling very real and raw with you all (real yes, raw, no) because I had been holding back. I had full intentions of coming on here a few days after her post and writing a very real and raw post about where I went for seven years.

Clearly that didn’t happen…YET. It is coming. The truth is though – the story is a wee bit stuck inside. I sat down this morning to start writing it because I really want to fully share it because some of the questions you all asked this week are hard to honestly and authentically answer without my 7 year story.

Instead of writing I started a timeline of the last 10 years. The minute I got to 2015 (a few months after my book published) I found my fingers slowing down. The thoughts getting stuck. Except for one. I share that thought with you today (after this paragraph) as you go into the weekend so that perhaps you can act on it. The rest of the story will be coming because I NEED to get it out of me. It is just not helping my mood being stuck inside.

So, the one thought that is clear as day and doesn’t hesitate to come off of my fingertips? One of the biggest reasons The Orange Rhino blog and FB took a break was… FEAR.

I let fear win for a long ass time. I don’t regret a lot in my life, but this, this I do. This I really do. Don’t let fear win this weekend. BUT if you do…know it isn’t the end of the world.

Do I regret letting this page go for 7 years? You sure as hell bet I do.

BUT I am choosing to believe that even though fear won, and I regret that, maybe the break was needed and maybe, just maybe, coming back now was the actual plan. That re-starting in 2022 was the bigger picture. Is this true, I don’t know. But I do know that staying in the world of regret does me no good.

So whenever my brain starts to feel upset that I essentially walked away, whenever my brain starts to think what could have been, I let myself feel that (I don’t believe in ignoring feelings) and then I go to the, it’s okay. Maybe this is the time Orange Rhino was supposed to come back.

Showing up here can be hard. That FEAR is like a fifth little bird on my orange rhino back.

But I am not going to feed it. Those birds by the way symbolize my 4 boys. In the real world, they are called oxpeckers – they remove the ticks from the rhino skin which feeds the birds (so rhino helps the birds) and which helps the rhino stay healthy.

So the birds and rhino help each other / feed each other. Those 4 birds that represent my sons can stay. That fifth one – FEAR – I refuse to feed. I know sometimes I might feed it a little, but not enough that he wants to come back. At least that is my plan.

So this weekend, try not to let FEAR win. Tell yourself you got this. Show up to that tough moment. And charge forward with confidence. And if you don’t have the confidence, fake it. Thank you all so much for being here and for coming back after all these years. xoxo

xoxo, Sheila

🧡 The Orange Rhino