(if you are newish to this page, welcome, and have a read here to get a background on #3)

Dear Grouchy Old Man,

Thanks so very much for coming out of your office and chiding me for my son’s behavior. I really needed it at. That. Precise. Moment. Because you know, with four kids in tow, one who is pitching one hell of a fit, I didn’t have enough on my mind. Nope, I wasn’t already sweating bullets as I tried to calm my son, as I tried to rationalize with him, as I tried to tell him it would be okay all while keeping three other kids quiet. Nope, I didn’t have anything on my mind at the moment when you said “What in the hell is going on here?” Because at the moment you know, I was just enjoying the moment, eating bon bons and loving the screaming fit that I know wouldn’t end for minutes. Loving the stress of knowing that someone, like you, would probably pop your head out into the hall and judge me. Loving the embarrassment that my son screams, and screams, and screams AND I CAN’T STOP IT.  Nope, I didn’t have anything on my mind and I really needed someone like you to put me in my place and make me think “what in the hell IS going on here.”

So thank you. Now do what I said. Go back in your office and close the door. That’s what doors are for. So you don’t hear noise.

Yours truly,
The Orange Rhino

*

Nope, not bitter at all. Not sad either. Or ashamed. Or frustrated. Or lost. Nope none of it.  I just LOVE having a child that screams.

Well, I mean, I do. I love #3, screams and all. I can’t imagine my world without him. I wouldn’t trade his sweet smile and cuddles for a child who doesn’t scream. I wouldn’t trade his jokes and facial expressions for a child that doesn’t scream. I wouldn’t trade his curly hair and sweet evolving voice for a child that doesn’t scream.  I would however trade the nasty comments and looks from people for some smiles of support, some facial expressions of empathy, some sweet gestures like “hey, it’s okay. We’ve all been there.” But no, I don’t get any of that. I just get judged and chided. And I am tired of it. Really, really, tired of it. Enough already.

Do people think that I am not trying? Because I am.

Do people think that I really want my son to keep screaming on and on and on so that people can continue to glare and talk about both of us? Because I don’t.

Do people really think that if they insult me it will inspire me to try even harder? That it will make my son stop screaming? Because it won’t.

Do people think that I need advice as to how to handle the situation…as if I haven’t read every article out there on the matter? Because I have.

My son, my wonderful, beautiful, loving, charming son screams.

He is a screamer.

He screams when he can’t communicate. He screams when he can’t get his way. He screams when he doesn’t know what else to do. Because that is what he did for an entire year plus when he couldn’t talk at all. My sweet son learned to scream and it is now a nasty, nasty habit that we, me, my husband, his speech therapist and his occupational therapist are trying to break.

And we aren’t succeeding. Yet. So I have a screamer on my hands.

And NO he is not a screamer because I encouraged it. He is not a screamer because I allowed it. He is not a screamer because I wanted it. He is a screamer because that is what he could do in the absence of words. He is a screamer because his mouth hurt for almost a year straight and he couldn’t tell me.

Trust me old man, I am just as frustrated and annoyed as you were yesterday.

Trust me old man, I SO desperately want the screaming to stop. For so many obvious reasons.

And trust me old man, every time my son screams I cry inside.

I cry because I can’t stop it. I cry because I know a**holes like you judge me, but more so, judge him. That a*sholes like you assume something is wrong with him, wrong with me. I cry because I truly believe my son doesn’t want to be screaming. He doesn’t want to be feeling frustrated, sad, angry, whatever it is he is feeling that makes him scream the way he does.

And oh that scream. His lips pout, his eyes turn down, and he looks like he is about to burst into tears and cry. But he doesn’t. He screams instead.  Oh how I wish he would just cry. Then we could cry together.

Would that be better for you old man? To see my son cry because something is so wrong? Would that be more convenient to you and your conference call? No, not really? Well maybe it would make you stop judging.

Maybe if my son cried instead of screaming you would see that he is struggling. That he is really struggling.

Then maybe your heart would have talked before your mouth.

Then maybe I would have tried harder (or at least cried less later).

181 days without yelling, 184 days of loving more to go!

Dear #3,

Last Tuesday, July 31^st, 2012 at oh say, 7:23 in the morning you declared you wanted to be potty trained.  We, as in you, me, and your brothers, had JUST sat down and gotten settled at our favorite breakfast restaurant in our favorite vacation town. I had JUST taken a deep breath to enjoy the smell of the ocean. I had JUST relaxed and told myself, I can do this. I can handle 4 kids at a restaurant by myself on 5 hours of sleep.  Then you got up from your chair, as if to challenge my confidence, looked me straight in the eye and without wavering, stated:

“I have to pee.”

“You can go in your diaper, it’s okay.”
(Wrong answer, I know, but everyone was coloring happily, the baby wasn’t screaming, I didn’t want to upset the calm and I really had no desire to start potty training at.that.moment.)

“No, I don’t want to. I go pee pee in potty.”

“Really, right now?!”
(Right now while we are away from home for 3 days and I have no training underwear or anything? Right now while we’ll be spending 3 days at the beach where it is a hike to the potty? Right now, when mommy is overwhelmed and stressed to the max? Right now, as in right now, right NOW?!! Really?!!!)

“Yes. No pee in diaper.”  You said politely and then you screamed not so politely,

“I PEE IN POTTY NOW!”

I simply had no choice. I corralled everyone and we trekked into the very SMALL bathroom. #1, #2 and I cheered you on. But you didn’t need it. You walked right up to the toilet with the biggest air of confidence I have ever seen you display and did your thing, as if you had been doing it your entire life.

Then you turned and looked at me with the biggest, proudest smile I have ever seen. Up until this point, you have been a pretty shy and nervous child. Not that morning my son. Not that morning. It was just pee in the potty but it was so much more than that, to you and to me. It was a turning point. A point where you realized you CAN do things. You CAN communicate. You CAN do things by yourself.

Since that moment I’ve been “teaching you” how to use the potty. You have absolutely no problem peeing in the potty. GREAT!  But oh my sweet son, pooping in the potty, well let’s just say you prefer pooping in your underwear. Like my, you were of the theory to go straight from diaper to underwear which is great, but the constant accidents in the underwear? Not so great. In fact, the accidents are starting to drive me nuts. And it’s only been seven days! You’re using all your willpower to get your pee in the potty and I am using all my willpower to not scream when you poop in your underwear. Somewhere between wiping your bottom (again) and washing dirty underwear (again), I realized something.

Sure, potty training is about teaching you. Teaching you the obvious: to go to the bathroom in the potty, not in your underwear, not on the floor, not in the car seat, not on the rug, not in the tub, not in the pool . Sure it is about teaching you self control, confidence, independence. But really, it’s about TEACHING ME.

Potty Training TEACHES ME.

Potty Training teaches me PATIENCE, LOVE, FORGIVENESS, and UNDERSTANDING as I clean the seventh pair of soiled brown underwear. Of the day. You are not even three. You are just learning. You didn’t have an accident on purpose. I love you no matter what “mistakes” you make during this process, and in life.

Potty Training teaches me PHYSICAL ENDURANCE as I grab you and run with you in my arms across the beach, up the dunes, to make it to the bathroom before you have an accident.

Potty Training teaches me MENTAL ENDURANCE as I force myself to remember to ask you every 5 then 10 then 15 minutes if you need to go, as I force myself to keep asking even after four days of success since accidents do happen…for years to come.

Potty Training teaches me CREATIVITY as I have to come up with new ways to make peeing fun, like putting red food coloring in the toilet and telling you, my little fireman to “quick, use your hose to put the fire out” or saying “hey did you know #2’s love to go swimming in the toilet pool? Let your #2 go splish spash!”

Potty Training teaches me IMPULSE CONTROL as I try, try, TRY my hardest not to yell when you have an accident. Again. And Again. And again. When you look at me and say “I pooping” and you are nowhere near the potty. When you look at me and smile and say “I pooped in underwear!”

Potty Training teaches me CLEANING SKILLS as I learn how to quickly stop the pee from going into every single grout line in the floor and how to get the pee off the seat, under the seat, around the seat….

Potty Training teaches me DECISION MAKING as I have to stop and debate, is this underwear soiled badly enough from a #2 that I should just toss it or is it cleanable? I read in a parenting magazine once that an experienced mom finally realized that sometimes it is easier and saner to just toss the underwear. Have to admit, 9/10 times, she is right.

Potty Training teaches me MULTI-TASKING as I figure out how to cheer you on while you’re on the potty all while keeping your baby brother not only out of the toilet but also away from the stairs and out of the line of fire from your two older brothers.

Potty Training teaches me PRIORITIZATION as I have to drop everything I am doing this week to focus on the task at hand – helping you feel good about yourself and your successes and not to feel down about the accidents. Suddenly, it is clear to me what matters. The to-do list can wait. Your pee pee cannot wait. Literally and figuratively.

Potty Training teaches me to SEIZE the MOMENT, even if inconvenient. Right now, the last thing I want to do is potty train. I’ve got other mountains to climb. But guess what? You want to train now. And as I have learned with your older brothers, when a child wants to potty train, you go with it. So while inconvenient now, it is better in the long run. It is way easier.

But at the end of the day, perhaps the #1 thing Potty Training teaches me is how to RELAX, something I am NOT good at, at all! That despite my desire, yelling at you to go, pushing you to go, shaming you to go, won’t do any good. That if I relax, you’ll relax. And if you relax, you’ll go! All I have to do is chill out and go with the flow. (No pun intended.)

I love you and am so proud of you. We’re making progress, one moment at a time.

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

162 days of not yelling, 203 days of loving more to go!

Dear Toyota CRV-

Do you see that red sign with 8 sides and the letters S.T.O.P? It’s called a stop sign. You are supposed to, get this, STOP at it. That means to put your breaks on, come to a complete stop where your car doesn’t move. Then you look to see if there is enough space for you to go. If there is, and only if there is, THEN can you make the left turn onto the road that I was driving on. Of course, you didn’t stop. And of course there wasn’t enough room and so I had no choice but to honk and then hit you head on. With two kids in the back seat. Lucky for ALL of us, we weren’t hurt. Lucky for all of us, there were no other cars behind either one of us at that moment. Lucky for all of us, it could have been a lot worse. 10 seconds later, it would have been a different story. But I am still mad at you for not stopping. You scared the crap out of me and my sons who tell me they are “still shaking mommy.” And P.S. I have a lot to do this week as is. Tracking down the police report which proves you are at fault, then getting an estimate, a rental car that holds 4 car seats and then getting the car fixed is the last thing I needed. Harumph. Like I said, next time you see a STOP sign do what it says. STOP.

Sincerely,
The Toyota Minivan driven by the rather annoyed Orange Rhino

*

Ahhh, I feel much better getting that off of my chest. UGH though, what a gigantic pain in the arse! All that aside, I have been working on being more grateful and focusing on the positive. I’ve read in lots of places that being grateful helps with daily happiness. Not that I am not happy. I am. But sometimes the stress of the daily grind gets to me and I um, you know, have the urge to yell.

So tonight, I am going to practice gratitude and while I am at it, share some pretty funny moments from yesterday. Kids can say the darnedest things at the best moments!

Tonight I am grateful for:

1) My kids and I being safe. Really could have been A LOT worse.

2) #2 saying the following to me in front of the other driver: “Mommy, was she a crazy bad driver, is that why she hit us?” Love that it was immediately her fault (which it was) and that he accused her of being a bad driver (which she was).

3) #1 asking the police officer if the other driver was okay. This melted my heart.

4) The police officer, while looking in my car and seeing 4 carseats, immediately asking, “Where are the other 2 kids, and the baby? Are they okay?” When I said they were home with a babysitter he said “Wow, you really are lucky.” And then “WOW. 4 kids. 4 carseats. WOW. That is crazy.” Thank you officer for pointing out the obvious. How about you apply your knowledge to the accident at hand?

5) #1 and #2 being so gosh darn well behaved as we sat at the side of the road in 100 degree weather for 30 minutes with no water. They found sticks and stones and dirt and worms and were as happy as can be. Thank you boys!

6) #2 giving me a hug and gently wiping away my tears when I started bawling. “Mommy, why the tears on your face?” “Oh sweetie, because mommy is so overwhelmed this week with so much on her mind and I don’t want to deal with this too and well, mommy was scared. But we’re okay now.” “Oh, okay, I love you.”

7) #1 saying the following as we get in the car to go home: “You know mom, if daddy had been driving and this happened he would have said…Dammit! That shitty driver! You didn’t swear or yell mommy. WAY TO GO!” Still laughing at this one. Mostly because 160+ days ago I would have screamed something A LOT worse.

Ah, yesterday afternoon stunk. But I really am grateful for how it turned out. The car has some bumps and bruises but my boys made me smile and laugh. And to be honest, I am proud that I didn’t snap or yell at them as we sat in the dirt, them playing, me quietly crying. I held it together under stress – both at the moment of impact and the moments after. I’ve come along way these last 160 ish days. A long way. It’s been one heck of a drive but totally worth it. And I ain’t stopping now! 

160 days of not yelling, 205 days to go
160 days of not yelling, 205 days of loving more to go! 

Dear “Yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll get to it when I have more time mentality,”

You are a pain in the a*s. Sure at the moment when I turn to you and employ you, you are a life saver. You make my to-do list seem smaller. But the thing is time passes. And I still use you for the same things over and over again. And guess what? Those things never get done. Sure some of those things don’t need to get done and so it’s cool. But the other things, they either need to get done or are important enough that they just keep nagging and nagging and nagging until they are done. Tonight’s post is one of those nagging things. So tonight I say, take a hike “yeah yeah yeah I’ll get it done mentality!” I’m going to write a post I’ve thought about for oh, four weeks or more. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be edited. It won’t be everything I want it to be. But it will be written. And off my mind.

See ya!
The Orange Rhino

*

Loving More.

160 days of not yelling. 205 days of LOVING MORE to go.

Did anyone notice that change on the blog? On my Facebook posts a few weeks back? That I stopped writing 160 days of not yelling, 205 to go? That I changed the counter on the right to also say days of LOVING MORE to go? Don’t worry, I am not offended if you didn’t! I had huge, gigantic plans to write about it. The change that is. And then life got in the way of my blogging plans these last 6 weeks. And so the “yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll get to it mentality” took over and I never told you all about the change.

But I wanted to. Because to me, it’s a BIG important change. And my post last night reminded me about it. So tonight, I write about the change. Or at least I’ll try to.

Every time I wrote my days remaining, 205 to go, it felt like an annoying task. A burden.  An unachieveable objective. Totally un-inspiring. What is inspiring though is the thought of Loving my boys MORE. I am often shocked, why I do not know, that my favorite posts all have the same conclusion. That at the heart of this challenge, that what the Orange Rhino Challenge is really all about is love. And loving my boys more.

After I wrote last night’s post I laughed to myself. Actually, no, after I pressed publish I thought “oh sh*t” why did I share that? I seem like such an over achiever talking about wanting to love my kids more. And what the heck does that mean anyways? Did I not love them before the challenge? Of course I loved them before The Orange Rhino Challenge. It’s just that I didn’t always show it and I especially didn’t show my love to my boys in the moments when I used to yell, I mean really yell. Those moments were full of such anger and meanness that they could make my sons question my love. Truly.

So when I say I want to love my sons more what I mean is I want those moments of anger and meanness to be gone and instead replaced with the unconditional love I spoke of yesterday. I have loved my boys since before I even held them. And I love them more than I ever could imagine. And yet, as silly as it sounds, I know I have the capacity to love them even more. Because the opportunity to get rid of those truly ugly yelling moments exists – and I can replace it with more patience, love, and understanding if not forgiveness.

Any moment that I don’t yell, I choose love. I choose to put aside all the negative feelings I have at that moment and instead dig deep to find the feelings of love that I have for my child. Oddly enough, when I stop and look for love when all I feel is anger – whether I look for it in my child’s sweet face, or in a picture in the house, or in a mental image of my son building with legos instead of dumping them – I actually start to feel better. I start to love again, to love more, at that moment and the anger subsides. Corny? Yes. But does it work? Yes yes yes.

So the bottom line in all my rambling tonight is this: Any moment that I don’t yell, I love my child more. So whether it is 365 days, 36 days, 3 days or just one moment when I don’t yell, I have loved my child more and that is inspiring to me.

My 5  and 3/4 year old said to me today:

“Mom, how many more days to you have to go?”

“200 or something.”

“WOW. That’s a lot. You should have picked a smaller number. A smaller challenge. You’re silly.”

Yeah, maybe so. But I want to love you more kiddo, I can love you more, I will love you more….

159 days without yelling, 206 days of loving more to go!

Dear Readers,

I have no idea if this post makes sense. I had a funeral today and my eyes are so sore and tired from crying all day and my heart is so heavy with sadness for my friend that I am not sure what I wrote. All I am sure of is that I needed to write tonight. Because in some really twisted way, the funeral I attended today only emphasized the important of this challenge for me.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

I had to watch a very close friend bury his mom today.

He already lost his father about thirteen years ago.

He just had his first daughter three weeks ago.

Unfortunately his mother entered the hospital and a coma shortly thereafter and was never able to meet her only grandchild.The whole situation pains me so. I’ve been carrying around a huge weight of sadness since this Thursday when I first heard the news. Knowing that someone so close and dear to me is suffering just breaks my heart.

And yet, since Thursday, I’ve been short and b*tchy with my four kids, with four people so close and dear to me. Here I am feeling so sad about my friend’s loss of his mom and yet I am being a mean mom to my kids. Why? Why is it that we are short with the ones we love? I don’t know why but I do know this. Just admitting it – admitting that these last few days I have been short because I am overwhelmed with grief – has at least kept me from yelling at the things so undeserving (oh like shoes being left by door for me to trip on, wake up calls at 4 am, food being flung.)

But still, even though I haven’t yelled, I hate it that instead of reaching out to my kids for the love I so desperately needed these last few days, I shut down and was short and distant. Because that is the antithesis of what I wanted. I have cried so much the last few days because my friend and his mom were so incredibly close and that is what I want for my sons and me.  I don’t want to be short and distant to them. I want to be incredibly close to them.

My friend cared for his mom so deeply and was such an amazing son. Ever since his dad died he looked after his mom with a sense of love, commitment, responsibility and honor that never ceased to amaze me.  He cared for her in a way I can only hope my sons bestow upon me. I want for my boys and I the same strong, loving relationship my friend had with his mom…and yet here I spent the last few days doing anything but building that relationship. (Unless days on end of “acceptable” snapping by Orange Rhino standards counts?!)

My friend shared some words today about his mom that made me really think. Well, and that made me really cry too. He said something along the lines of:

“It all boils down to this. My mom loved me unconditionally. Every time I had a question or a problem, I went to her and she told me she loved me and that she was proud of me. Even in her last days I asked her if I ever disappointed her. She couldn’t speak but she shook her head no and gave me a look that said, “are you nuts?!”

Listening to my friend speak, I thought of three things. One, my friend’s mom raised a great son and she’d be proud of him today, two of the immense sadness he must be feeling and three, I would be honored, no blessed? if my sons ever speak of me the way my friend spoke of his mom. I would be honored and blessed if my sons love me an eighth as much as my friend loved his mom.

You know, I struggled this week to answer the simple question: Why do I want to stop yelling at my kids. Really, the answers are so clear to me now. It’s because I love my kids and like my friend and his mom, I want them to come to me with every question and problem, even if they have failed, because they know I will love them unconditionally.

And why else do I want to stop yelling at my kids? Because while I love my kids, I know I can love them more. I want to love them more. And every time I yelled at them, I mean really yelled, screamed, went ballistic type yell, I chipped away at that love, I didn’t add to it. Instead I slowly chipped away at the potential for the unconditional love to grow. I chipped away at the opportunity for my boys to come to me without fear whenever a problem arises.

I am sure my friend and his mom had moments where one or both of them yelled. And I know that realistically a yell will come out of my mouth at some point in my many years as a mom. But that isn’t going to keep me from trying my hardest to love my kids more – with more respect, more patience, more grace, more empathy. Because loving my kids more will only teach them to love me more. Loving my kids more will only help our relationship grow stronger. Someday my boys will be speaking about me from a podium. And when that day comes, I want them to be able to speak of the same unconditional love my friend shared today. And I can only imagine that not yelling (or even yelling less) is one step towards that.  And it’s a worth step worth taking because let me tell you – watching my friend speak today, sensing the love he felt for his mom? It was powerful. Beyond powerful.

154 days without yelling, 211 days of loving more to go!

Dear J.F.,

Thank you for all your constant support and motivation. You have words of wisdom that always lift me up and get me back on track when I want to quit this challenge. The best part? You were a total stranger to me. Until now…. Thank you also for taking the time to write a little something for my blog. As I expected, this week after my staycation has me overwhelmed and behind schedule. ON EVERYTHING. I want to get back into blogging full swing but it is nearly impossible. So I gratefully share below some of your thoughts on the challenge. I thoroughly enjoyed reading what you wrote below – because it made me realize I AM NOT ALONE. That my feelings aren’t ridiculous. They don’t make me ridiculous. If anything, they make me normal. They make all us reading this, perhaps all of us able to identify with at least 1, if not more of your points, feel normal….

many thank you’s,
The Orange Rhino

*

Written by J.F. Please show your support for her with Facebook love and/or comments!

Dear Orange Rhino,

As I follower of your blog I would like to say:

Thank you for helping me be a better mom. Thank you for letting me try again when I fail. Thank you for giving me the motivation not to quit.

I never used to yell at anyone. Then I became a mom. By the time my boys were 4, 3 and 1, I began to yell at them, when no one else was around. I was overtired, stressed, surrounded by clutter and mess, feeling fat, and feeling isolated from adults (I was a stay-at-home mom). I felt helpless, and my life didn’t seem to belong to me anymore. All this seemed to trigger the yeller in me to come out. And when I yelled, I wasn’t just yelling. I was yelling with great inner turmoil. I was emotionally upset when I yelled. That’s what made it so awful.

I think that’s why it was so hard to just stop. All of those emotions were always bubbling up. But I kept trying to stop, because I love my kids. I don’t want my kids to fear me. I want them to grow up feeling safe, secure, and loved, and have happy memories of their childhood. I want them be able to deal with life when they get upset. When they fight and misbehave I always tell them, “You don’t have to yell or hit. Just use your words.” I want to do that too, and be a good example to them. I don’t need to yell. I can just use my words.

Thankfully, I stumbled on the Orange Rhino Challenge. Wow! Discovering that I wasn’t alone helped me immensely. I didn’t have to be embarrassed to talk about my yelling problem with others. Reading the blogs got me really thinking much more about why I yell. It’s given me insight. It helped me to discover some of the things that set me off, so I can stop them before they start. It helped me find other ways to react when I want to yell at my kids. Tooting my Rhino horn and posting my progress has made me accountable to someone other than my kids for my behavior.

Someday I would love to say I made it 365 days without yelling. In the mean time, I will take it day by day and try and set new records for myself. I will celebrate all my small victories along the way. Because it is a victory to make it through a day without yelling. I love my kids, and because of that, I will always keep trying.

*

And when I yelled, I wasn’t just yelling. I was yelling with great inner turmoil. I was emotionally upset when I yelled. That’s what made it so awful.
Um, you took the words right out of my head. Especially the inner turmoil bit.

I didn’t have to be embarrassed to talk about my yelling problem with others.
It is so hard to admit something that you are personally struggling with, right? Especially when you worry what other people will think? But when you do admit it, it is almost freeing and it is amazing all the support that exists. The support is always greater than the judgement I find….

Tooting my Rhino horn and posting my progress has made me accountable to someone other than my kids for my behavior.
I didn’t want to believe that posting progress would make a difference but it does. The days of staycating and not checking in were some of my worst on this challenge. Now that I am posting progress, I am more accountable. I have more motivation to not fail.

Because it is a victory to make it through a day without yelling.
Yes. Yes it is. Any moment for that matter is a victory. I know my goal is 365 days but honestly, any moment I don’t yell I already feel I have succeeded. Because I am making progress forwards…and so are you. Keep on being victorious please, you are an inspiration to me!

Hello to my readers not on Facebook! I took a staycation the last week or so and unplugged from electronics and the like to enjoy some time with my family before my hubby went back to work after an extended vacation. Gotta love accruing weeks and weeks on end (although that did mean he went years and years without vacation.) Anywho, my apologies if you have emailed me and I have not responded. I am working on catching up now and will hopefully blog tonight. Until then…enjoy this picture and pretend you are on vacation somewhere tropical with a great drink with a cute umbrella in it. Cheers!

135 days without yelling, 230 days of loving more to go!

Dear Captain Obvious,

Where the hell have you been? I have only been a parent for 5 and ¾ years (not ½ as I am often reminded!) If you had just shown up in my life a few years ago I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary yelling. Like, a lot of it. Anywho, I am grateful you at least showed up recently and pointed out the error of my ways to me. Pretty sure my kiddos are grateful too – your lessons have kept me from screaming.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I have learned a lot over these last 130+ days of not yelling. And it has understandably taken a lot of hard work: a lot of soul searching for why I really yell and then a lot of patience, energy, self control and creative problem solving to keep me from yelling. So it is kind of funny to me that in all of this hard work that I have been doing that I completely MISSED some OBVIOUS answers to certain situations that daily drove me to want to scream.

I mean really.

These answers were so obvious that I am almost embarrassed to share them.

Ya ready?

SCENARIO 1: The Pillow Fight

My boys like to take the pillows off the couches in the family room and make forts, swimming pools, spaceships, etc…. For a while, I was okay with this. Lots of benefits: creative play, quiet time for me, brotherly time for them, problem solving skills development when fort crashed, role playing (life guard, swimmer) the list goes on and on. And then one day I tripped on a pillow and went flying across the room ever so NOT gracefully and so now, I am not okay with the pillow situation. The pillows (or the kids?) daily seem to piss me off.

Inevitably the pillows end up on the floor at the precise moment that I need to walk across the room to get to the couch to feed the baby. And I can’t get to said couch, the couch which has no cushions on it to allow me to sit comfortably, because of the pillow obstacle course.  If I am not the one tripping on the pillows then someone else does and usually goes into the corner of the coffee table because anyplace else would make my life too easy. And if my darling boys aren’t tripping on the pillows then they are fighting over them – fighting about who is going to pick up the heavy one and put it away, fighting over who ruined the fort in the first place, fighting over who started with the most pillows.

In short, these pillows became the vain of my existence. So we created a new family rule: the big pillows stay on couch, the little ones can come off. Yet every day, at least twice, I still have to remind the boys to put the big pillows back and when I did, it took all the energy in the world to remind them nicely of the rule, of the compromise, instead of yelling. It took all the energy, and I mean all the energy, in the world to not scream. Why these pillows drive me nuts I don’t know. I mean really, pillows people, I am talking about pillows!!!

But they do. They make me want to scream. And oh have they made me want to scream in the past too, this isn’t just a new thing. I think one point I *might have* picked one up and thrown it across the room while saying something along the lines of “get these friggin’ pillows off the floor now before I trip again!” (Shhh…please don’t tell anyone I threw something!)

So one day two weeks ago a light bulb went off.

DUH.

All this not yelling has taught me to find the real source of the problem, to find the trigger that makes me want to yell. Well in this situation it was pretty bloomin’ clear. It wasn’t some deep, insightful, answer. The problem was the blooming pillows! The answer to not yelling over the pillows? REMOVE THE PILLOWS from the couch you dumb as*!

So I did (well, at least the big ones, they were the biggest pain in the a*s) for an entire week. See?

The truth? Nobody noticed that the pillows were gone. No downside to removing pillows...only upside.

Oh the kids b*tched and moaned (along with my husband who was greatly inconvenienced as lots of big sporting games were on TV, sorry babe) but it was worth it.

The pillows returned and not once have we had a discussion about it. Not once.

It only took me how many years to figure this novel idea out?

And how about this scenario: The Shoe Fight.

#3 and I were late to speech therapy one day last week. I stood still, impatiently tapping my foot and asking him to hurry up as he struggled to put his shoes on. My impatience grew and grew and I could feel the yell rapidly approaching my mouth.

Then the light bulb went off again.

DUH.

HELP him put his shoes on. Don’t just sit back and be annoyed and be late! Help him!

I mean really, I couldn’t figure that one out? How many times have we been lately because I watched my kids struggle to get ready and didn’t help them? Yes they need to learn to do their shoes, to put on jackets, to buckle up but STILL there is always room to help and to guide.

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is all about me and my “deep, intangible” triggers. It is about my personal issues and struggles and moodiness and it requires my finding the self control to remind myself that I am not mad at the kids, that I am just pre-occupied.

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is all about empathy and understanding why my kids are acting the way they are, why they are struggling, and LOVING THEM anyways and HELPING them instead of yelling at them.

And sometimes, well sometimes, the solution to not yelling is fortunately as simple as can be. It’s about removing the TANGIBLE TRIGGER, it’s about removing the damn pillows (or tossing the sippy cup that always spills, or donating the shoes that are too hard to Velcro).

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is SO OBVIOUS that it is SCREAMING at me.

What is the one Tangible Trigger in your life that you could remove today and immediately eliminate one typical-yelling situation?

127 days down, 238 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

It is a little weird for me to write and ask you to do something, but alas, I am. Read the first part and then read the second part…it is all about YOU….

WE, yes we even if it just says Orange Rhino that is all encompassing in my book, have been nominated for an award!

A Motivated Mom Award!

This is what I believe is the first of MANY of our chances to Toot OUR horn about our community. I have BIG and I mean BIG plans and dreams and hopes for us, all of us. Please VOTE FOR US, for the Orange Rhino, in the Motivated Mom Awards. This Award isn’t for me, it is for us. We are all Motivated Moms (and dads). We are all motivated to try and change our yelling ways, to be the parent we want to be for our children. And we are all trying in our own way. We are ALL truly a part of this nomination. Period.

So lets vote for us, lets Toot our own Rhino Horn about our efforts!

Please click on the link below and then scroll down until you find The Orange Rhino and click the thumbs up to vote.

http://enlistmoms.com/motivated-mom-awards/motivated-mom-awards-nominees/the-connector-mom/

Please also share the link with your friends, your family, your babysitter, your pre-school teacher whoever. Tell them YOU ARE nominated because of YOUR hardwork to be a better parent.

I myself am late in totally sharing this news for so many reasons. But I share it now proudly. Please take a moment to vote – not just for us but also in support of the Orange Rhino who nominated us. She took her time to do so and I want her to know what an awesome mom and person she is by our community rocking the vote!

A thousand thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Dear EnlistMoms.Com and my friend who knows who she is,

I wanted to thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize the beauty of the blogging world, the Facebook world, the social media world. If you asked me 137 days ago or so what I thought of these worlds, well let’s just say I wouldn’t have had much of an opinion. Because I avoided them like the plague. I didn’t get them. I didn’t understand why someone would want to be a part of such a world. I didn’t get blogging. I was IGNORANT and ignorance is not always bliss. In some weird twist of fate, yes fate, it donned on me to BLOG about The Orange Rhino Challenge and to attempt to create an online Facebook Community to support me in my endeavor. The result?

I’ve met some pretty gosh darn amazing people that I never would have met otherwise.

Strangers who support me. Strangers who support each other. Strangers who became fellow Orange Rhinos and friends. These Orange Rhinos, and by that I mean every single person that reads anything I write or tweet or Facebook post, inspire me, they inspire me with their interest, their dedication, their honesty, their enthusiasm. These Orange Rhinos keep me going – they keep ME connected to my cause, to my challenge. So it is ironic that I have been nominated as a “Connector Mom…the blogger who put the social in social media and is not afraid to over-share” because the reality is that my fellow Orange Rhinos are the real connectors. They are the ones making it happen!

My fellow Orange Rhino’s unwavering support and willingness to comment on my blogs or post on our Facebook page is what motivates me to be fearless and willing to over-share (and that has just begun, I have lots more over-sharing planned for the future, kind of along the lines of way TMI!) It is their commitment to OUR community that keeps us all connected – the daily sharing on Facebook of good days and bad, the nightly sharing on Facebook by tooting of their rhino horns for not yelling that day or just for trying, the all the time sharing of new ideas for not yelling and “you can do it” rallies!

It is the connected Orange Rhino community that keeps me motivated to not yell, to keep blogging, on days when I want to quit because the truth is, I have grown quite fond of our community. It’s a nice place to be 🙂

I think what I love most about our Community is that all the Orange Rhinos are different, yet the same. We have people from Denmark, Columbia, New Zealand, New York, Nebraska, South Carolina and South Africa reading. We have people with 0 kids up to 5 kids. We have male and female readers. We have 22 year old readers and 56 year old readers. And without getting political (because I try to avoid that like the plague too) we have parents from all sides of hot/controversial parenting topics. But the bottom line?! Despite all our difference we have one thing in common. One thing that keeps us ALL connected. Well the few things actually….

We all love our kiddos.
We all want to be the best parent that we can be.
And well, we’re all good people. Because we respect each other, we help each other and we learn from each other. There is nothing but loving more in the Orange Rhino Community and in this day and age, that is truly hard to come by.

It is an honor to be part of such a community, to be connected to so many of these “good people,” people who I never would have met if it weren’t for the beautiful world of Social Media.

So thank you for making me stop and think about what it means to be a “Connector Mom” because it made me realize just how much my opinion of the Social Media world has changed, and truthfully (gasp) how grateful I am for it. I wouldn’t be on Day 127 of not yelling if it weren’t for social media; I wouldn’t be on Day 127 if I weren’t connected to my fellow Orange Rhinos.

Warmest Regards,
The Orange Rhino

125 days of  not yelling, 240 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Gretchen,

I hope you feel honored. Of all the books I could read on my mini-vacation, including 50 shades of whatever it is called, I chose your book, The Happiness Project. Now mind you, I haven’t read a book in probably 4 years except for the What to Expect when you are Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. And mind you, I don’t like reading books (reading is hard for me.) So truly, for me to pick up a real book and read it is a miracle. But given that many of my wonderful blog readers had suggested I read your book, I couldn’t say no. I am glad I listened to them.

You see, in reading your book I started thinking. Which is NEVER a good thing. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because it means I think of ways to improve (excellent, if executed). But it also means I create new work, new to-do’s for which is the last thing I need. This time though, my thinking turned towards what I affectionately call my silly Orange Rhino Challenge. And even though yes, my mind is now full of new ideas on how to succeed at the Challenge, it is all good. All good. Because the new work impacts my kids and that makes it all worth it.

Somewhere around page 15 I paused and thought “hmmm…I *have* unlocked the key to not yelling at my kids. I think. But what I need to unlock now is how to keep from getting grumpy so that I don’t have to work so hard to not yell in the first place.” To be clear, it’s not that I am an unhappy person it’s just that sometimes I let certain things get me, I let certain things take up space in my mind and it is then very hard to stay focused on being present and loving with my kiddos. Because all I really want to do is yell “LEAVE ME the F ALONE!” I want to stop letting these things get to me – I need to make some changes so that I can be successful at this challenge in the long term!

Anyway, you got me thinking and I am grateful (and I am pretty sure my husband is too, he just won’t admit it).

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*
I went away.

I read a book.

It made me think.

It made me think of all the things in my life that make me grumpy, that set me up to snap.

Like clutter.

Like feeling fat.

Like resenting my husband.

Like mama guilt.

Like being tired.

Like not doing the things that make me happy.

Like feeling that I am losing friends, left and right.

Like feeling that time is going by and I am not enjoying it enough…because of all the above things.

So I made some resolutions. Some resolutions focused on changing the areas of my life that need tweaking so that I can be less trigger-happy and more mama-happy!

And I am sticking to them…because I know that they make me a happier person and therefore a better mom and therefore less apt to yell.I am still shocked that I thought starting The Orange Rhino Challenge would JUST be about learning to be more patient, more tolerable. But really, it is about so much more. I never thought I would be doing so much soul searching in order to succeed at this challenge.

Anywho, I share my resolutions with you all to keep me accountable.

1) CLUTTER: Every night I WILL take the 5-10 minutes to put away the clutter because clutter makes me claustrophobic and antsy.

2) WEIGHT: I WILL start Weight Watchers again. I WILL exercise 4 times a week. Because it is important to me, no matter what I say.

3) MARRIAGE: I WILL start communicating with my husband when I am upset instead of holding it in and feeling the resentment grow. And grow. And grow. Because I love my husband and I want our marriage to last a lifetime.

4) MAMA GUILT: I WILL move my computer away from the family area so that I spend more time with my kids and stop feeling crappy that I checked People.com every 30 minutes instead of hanging with my little people.

5) TIRED: I WILL go to bed by 10:00 5 nights a week. Because the truth is if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep I am a beast. 7 will have to do.

6) HOBBIES: I WILL look at pictures 1 night a week because it makes me happy, it makes me smile, it makes me grateful.

7) FRIENDS: I WILL email one friend a night that I don’t see daily

8) PRESENT: I WILL start vocalizing when I am happy and loving a moment to force myself to enjoy it.

No time like the Present! Right now I am happy because the clutter is cleared and well, I met each resolution today. Added bonus: I didn’t yell.

Which reminds me of one more major resolution:

9) ORANGE RHINO: I WILL not yell. I WILL not quit even though I will want to. Often.  Because like it or not, this Challenge is making so many aspects of my life, and my family’s life better.