160 days of not yelling, 205 days to go
160 days of not yelling, 205 days of loving more to go! 

Dear “Yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll get to it when I have more time mentality,”

You are a pain in the a*s. Sure at the moment when I turn to you and employ you, you are a life saver. You make my to-do list seem smaller. But the thing is time passes. And I still use you for the same things over and over again. And guess what? Those things never get done. Sure some of those things don’t need to get done and so it’s cool. But the other things, they either need to get done or are important enough that they just keep nagging and nagging and nagging until they are done. Tonight’s post is one of those nagging things. So tonight I say, take a hike “yeah yeah yeah I’ll get it done mentality!” I’m going to write a post I’ve thought about for oh, four weeks or more. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be edited. It won’t be everything I want it to be. But it will be written. And off my mind.

See ya!
The Orange Rhino

*

Loving More.

160 days of not yelling. 205 days of LOVING MORE to go.

Did anyone notice that change on the blog? On my Facebook posts a few weeks back? That I stopped writing 160 days of not yelling, 205 to go? That I changed the counter on the right to also say days of LOVING MORE to go? Don’t worry, I am not offended if you didn’t! I had huge, gigantic plans to write about it. The change that is. And then life got in the way of my blogging plans these last 6 weeks. And so the “yeah, yeah, yeah I’ll get to it mentality” took over and I never told you all about the change.

But I wanted to. Because to me, it’s a BIG important change. And my post last night reminded me about it. So tonight, I write about the change. Or at least I’ll try to.

Every time I wrote my days remaining, 205 to go, it felt like an annoying task. A burden.  An unachieveable objective. Totally un-inspiring. What is inspiring though is the thought of Loving my boys MORE. I am often shocked, why I do not know, that my favorite posts all have the same conclusion. That at the heart of this challenge, that what the Orange Rhino Challenge is really all about is love. And loving my boys more.

After I wrote last night’s post I laughed to myself. Actually, no, after I pressed publish I thought “oh sh*t” why did I share that? I seem like such an over achiever talking about wanting to love my kids more. And what the heck does that mean anyways? Did I not love them before the challenge? Of course I loved them before The Orange Rhino Challenge. It’s just that I didn’t always show it and I especially didn’t show my love to my boys in the moments when I used to yell, I mean really yell. Those moments were full of such anger and meanness that they could make my sons question my love. Truly.

So when I say I want to love my sons more what I mean is I want those moments of anger and meanness to be gone and instead replaced with the unconditional love I spoke of yesterday. I have loved my boys since before I even held them. And I love them more than I ever could imagine. And yet, as silly as it sounds, I know I have the capacity to love them even more. Because the opportunity to get rid of those truly ugly yelling moments exists – and I can replace it with more patience, love, and understanding if not forgiveness.

Any moment that I don’t yell, I choose love. I choose to put aside all the negative feelings I have at that moment and instead dig deep to find the feelings of love that I have for my child. Oddly enough, when I stop and look for love when all I feel is anger – whether I look for it in my child’s sweet face, or in a picture in the house, or in a mental image of my son building with legos instead of dumping them – I actually start to feel better. I start to love again, to love more, at that moment and the anger subsides. Corny? Yes. But does it work? Yes yes yes.

So the bottom line in all my rambling tonight is this: Any moment that I don’t yell, I love my child more. So whether it is 365 days, 36 days, 3 days or just one moment when I don’t yell, I have loved my child more and that is inspiring to me.

My 5  and 3/4 year old said to me today:

“Mom, how many more days to you have to go?”

“200 or something.”

“WOW. That’s a lot. You should have picked a smaller number. A smaller challenge. You’re silly.”

Yeah, maybe so. But I want to love you more kiddo, I can love you more, I will love you more….

159 days without yelling, 206 days of loving more to go!

Dear Readers,

I have no idea if this post makes sense. I had a funeral today and my eyes are so sore and tired from crying all day and my heart is so heavy with sadness for my friend that I am not sure what I wrote. All I am sure of is that I needed to write tonight. Because in some really twisted way, the funeral I attended today only emphasized the important of this challenge for me.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

I had to watch a very close friend bury his mom today.

He already lost his father about thirteen years ago.

He just had his first daughter three weeks ago.

Unfortunately his mother entered the hospital and a coma shortly thereafter and was never able to meet her only grandchild.The whole situation pains me so. I’ve been carrying around a huge weight of sadness since this Thursday when I first heard the news. Knowing that someone so close and dear to me is suffering just breaks my heart.

And yet, since Thursday, I’ve been short and b*tchy with my four kids, with four people so close and dear to me. Here I am feeling so sad about my friend’s loss of his mom and yet I am being a mean mom to my kids. Why? Why is it that we are short with the ones we love? I don’t know why but I do know this. Just admitting it – admitting that these last few days I have been short because I am overwhelmed with grief – has at least kept me from yelling at the things so undeserving (oh like shoes being left by door for me to trip on, wake up calls at 4 am, food being flung.)

But still, even though I haven’t yelled, I hate it that instead of reaching out to my kids for the love I so desperately needed these last few days, I shut down and was short and distant. Because that is the antithesis of what I wanted. I have cried so much the last few days because my friend and his mom were so incredibly close and that is what I want for my sons and me.  I don’t want to be short and distant to them. I want to be incredibly close to them.

My friend cared for his mom so deeply and was such an amazing son. Ever since his dad died he looked after his mom with a sense of love, commitment, responsibility and honor that never ceased to amaze me.  He cared for her in a way I can only hope my sons bestow upon me. I want for my boys and I the same strong, loving relationship my friend had with his mom…and yet here I spent the last few days doing anything but building that relationship. (Unless days on end of “acceptable” snapping by Orange Rhino standards counts?!)

My friend shared some words today about his mom that made me really think. Well, and that made me really cry too. He said something along the lines of:

“It all boils down to this. My mom loved me unconditionally. Every time I had a question or a problem, I went to her and she told me she loved me and that she was proud of me. Even in her last days I asked her if I ever disappointed her. She couldn’t speak but she shook her head no and gave me a look that said, “are you nuts?!”

Listening to my friend speak, I thought of three things. One, my friend’s mom raised a great son and she’d be proud of him today, two of the immense sadness he must be feeling and three, I would be honored, no blessed? if my sons ever speak of me the way my friend spoke of his mom. I would be honored and blessed if my sons love me an eighth as much as my friend loved his mom.

You know, I struggled this week to answer the simple question: Why do I want to stop yelling at my kids. Really, the answers are so clear to me now. It’s because I love my kids and like my friend and his mom, I want them to come to me with every question and problem, even if they have failed, because they know I will love them unconditionally.

And why else do I want to stop yelling at my kids? Because while I love my kids, I know I can love them more. I want to love them more. And every time I yelled at them, I mean really yelled, screamed, went ballistic type yell, I chipped away at that love, I didn’t add to it. Instead I slowly chipped away at the potential for the unconditional love to grow. I chipped away at the opportunity for my boys to come to me without fear whenever a problem arises.

I am sure my friend and his mom had moments where one or both of them yelled. And I know that realistically a yell will come out of my mouth at some point in my many years as a mom. But that isn’t going to keep me from trying my hardest to love my kids more – with more respect, more patience, more grace, more empathy. Because loving my kids more will only teach them to love me more. Loving my kids more will only help our relationship grow stronger. Someday my boys will be speaking about me from a podium. And when that day comes, I want them to be able to speak of the same unconditional love my friend shared today. And I can only imagine that not yelling (or even yelling less) is one step towards that.  And it’s a worth step worth taking because let me tell you – watching my friend speak today, sensing the love he felt for his mom? It was powerful. Beyond powerful.

154 days without yelling, 211 days of loving more to go!

Dear J.F.,

Thank you for all your constant support and motivation. You have words of wisdom that always lift me up and get me back on track when I want to quit this challenge. The best part? You were a total stranger to me. Until now…. Thank you also for taking the time to write a little something for my blog. As I expected, this week after my staycation has me overwhelmed and behind schedule. ON EVERYTHING. I want to get back into blogging full swing but it is nearly impossible. So I gratefully share below some of your thoughts on the challenge. I thoroughly enjoyed reading what you wrote below – because it made me realize I AM NOT ALONE. That my feelings aren’t ridiculous. They don’t make me ridiculous. If anything, they make me normal. They make all us reading this, perhaps all of us able to identify with at least 1, if not more of your points, feel normal….

many thank you’s,
The Orange Rhino

*

Written by J.F. Please show your support for her with Facebook love and/or comments!

Dear Orange Rhino,

As I follower of your blog I would like to say:

Thank you for helping me be a better mom. Thank you for letting me try again when I fail. Thank you for giving me the motivation not to quit.

I never used to yell at anyone. Then I became a mom. By the time my boys were 4, 3 and 1, I began to yell at them, when no one else was around. I was overtired, stressed, surrounded by clutter and mess, feeling fat, and feeling isolated from adults (I was a stay-at-home mom). I felt helpless, and my life didn’t seem to belong to me anymore. All this seemed to trigger the yeller in me to come out. And when I yelled, I wasn’t just yelling. I was yelling with great inner turmoil. I was emotionally upset when I yelled. That’s what made it so awful.

I think that’s why it was so hard to just stop. All of those emotions were always bubbling up. But I kept trying to stop, because I love my kids. I don’t want my kids to fear me. I want them to grow up feeling safe, secure, and loved, and have happy memories of their childhood. I want them be able to deal with life when they get upset. When they fight and misbehave I always tell them, “You don’t have to yell or hit. Just use your words.” I want to do that too, and be a good example to them. I don’t need to yell. I can just use my words.

Thankfully, I stumbled on the Orange Rhino Challenge. Wow! Discovering that I wasn’t alone helped me immensely. I didn’t have to be embarrassed to talk about my yelling problem with others. Reading the blogs got me really thinking much more about why I yell. It’s given me insight. It helped me to discover some of the things that set me off, so I can stop them before they start. It helped me find other ways to react when I want to yell at my kids. Tooting my Rhino horn and posting my progress has made me accountable to someone other than my kids for my behavior.

Someday I would love to say I made it 365 days without yelling. In the mean time, I will take it day by day and try and set new records for myself. I will celebrate all my small victories along the way. Because it is a victory to make it through a day without yelling. I love my kids, and because of that, I will always keep trying.

*

And when I yelled, I wasn’t just yelling. I was yelling with great inner turmoil. I was emotionally upset when I yelled. That’s what made it so awful.
Um, you took the words right out of my head. Especially the inner turmoil bit.

I didn’t have to be embarrassed to talk about my yelling problem with others.
It is so hard to admit something that you are personally struggling with, right? Especially when you worry what other people will think? But when you do admit it, it is almost freeing and it is amazing all the support that exists. The support is always greater than the judgement I find….

Tooting my Rhino horn and posting my progress has made me accountable to someone other than my kids for my behavior.
I didn’t want to believe that posting progress would make a difference but it does. The days of staycating and not checking in were some of my worst on this challenge. Now that I am posting progress, I am more accountable. I have more motivation to not fail.

Because it is a victory to make it through a day without yelling.
Yes. Yes it is. Any moment for that matter is a victory. I know my goal is 365 days but honestly, any moment I don’t yell I already feel I have succeeded. Because I am making progress forwards…and so are you. Keep on being victorious please, you are an inspiration to me!

Hello to my readers not on Facebook! I took a staycation the last week or so and unplugged from electronics and the like to enjoy some time with my family before my hubby went back to work after an extended vacation. Gotta love accruing weeks and weeks on end (although that did mean he went years and years without vacation.) Anywho, my apologies if you have emailed me and I have not responded. I am working on catching up now and will hopefully blog tonight. Until then…enjoy this picture and pretend you are on vacation somewhere tropical with a great drink with a cute umbrella in it. Cheers!

135 days without yelling, 230 days of loving more to go!

Dear Captain Obvious,

Where the hell have you been? I have only been a parent for 5 and ¾ years (not ½ as I am often reminded!) If you had just shown up in my life a few years ago I could have avoided a lot of unnecessary yelling. Like, a lot of it. Anywho, I am grateful you at least showed up recently and pointed out the error of my ways to me. Pretty sure my kiddos are grateful too – your lessons have kept me from screaming.

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*

I have learned a lot over these last 130+ days of not yelling. And it has understandably taken a lot of hard work: a lot of soul searching for why I really yell and then a lot of patience, energy, self control and creative problem solving to keep me from yelling. So it is kind of funny to me that in all of this hard work that I have been doing that I completely MISSED some OBVIOUS answers to certain situations that daily drove me to want to scream.

I mean really.

These answers were so obvious that I am almost embarrassed to share them.

Ya ready?

SCENARIO 1: The Pillow Fight

My boys like to take the pillows off the couches in the family room and make forts, swimming pools, spaceships, etc…. For a while, I was okay with this. Lots of benefits: creative play, quiet time for me, brotherly time for them, problem solving skills development when fort crashed, role playing (life guard, swimmer) the list goes on and on. And then one day I tripped on a pillow and went flying across the room ever so NOT gracefully and so now, I am not okay with the pillow situation. The pillows (or the kids?) daily seem to piss me off.

Inevitably the pillows end up on the floor at the precise moment that I need to walk across the room to get to the couch to feed the baby. And I can’t get to said couch, the couch which has no cushions on it to allow me to sit comfortably, because of the pillow obstacle course.  If I am not the one tripping on the pillows then someone else does and usually goes into the corner of the coffee table because anyplace else would make my life too easy. And if my darling boys aren’t tripping on the pillows then they are fighting over them – fighting about who is going to pick up the heavy one and put it away, fighting over who ruined the fort in the first place, fighting over who started with the most pillows.

In short, these pillows became the vain of my existence. So we created a new family rule: the big pillows stay on couch, the little ones can come off. Yet every day, at least twice, I still have to remind the boys to put the big pillows back and when I did, it took all the energy in the world to remind them nicely of the rule, of the compromise, instead of yelling. It took all the energy, and I mean all the energy, in the world to not scream. Why these pillows drive me nuts I don’t know. I mean really, pillows people, I am talking about pillows!!!

But they do. They make me want to scream. And oh have they made me want to scream in the past too, this isn’t just a new thing. I think one point I *might have* picked one up and thrown it across the room while saying something along the lines of “get these friggin’ pillows off the floor now before I trip again!” (Shhh…please don’t tell anyone I threw something!)

So one day two weeks ago a light bulb went off.

DUH.

All this not yelling has taught me to find the real source of the problem, to find the trigger that makes me want to yell. Well in this situation it was pretty bloomin’ clear. It wasn’t some deep, insightful, answer. The problem was the blooming pillows! The answer to not yelling over the pillows? REMOVE THE PILLOWS from the couch you dumb as*!

So I did (well, at least the big ones, they were the biggest pain in the a*s) for an entire week. See?

The truth? Nobody noticed that the pillows were gone. No downside to removing pillows...only upside.

Oh the kids b*tched and moaned (along with my husband who was greatly inconvenienced as lots of big sporting games were on TV, sorry babe) but it was worth it.

The pillows returned and not once have we had a discussion about it. Not once.

It only took me how many years to figure this novel idea out?

And how about this scenario: The Shoe Fight.

#3 and I were late to speech therapy one day last week. I stood still, impatiently tapping my foot and asking him to hurry up as he struggled to put his shoes on. My impatience grew and grew and I could feel the yell rapidly approaching my mouth.

Then the light bulb went off again.

DUH.

HELP him put his shoes on. Don’t just sit back and be annoyed and be late! Help him!

I mean really, I couldn’t figure that one out? How many times have we been lately because I watched my kids struggle to get ready and didn’t help them? Yes they need to learn to do their shoes, to put on jackets, to buckle up but STILL there is always room to help and to guide.

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is all about me and my “deep, intangible” triggers. It is about my personal issues and struggles and moodiness and it requires my finding the self control to remind myself that I am not mad at the kids, that I am just pre-occupied.

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is all about empathy and understanding why my kids are acting the way they are, why they are struggling, and LOVING THEM anyways and HELPING them instead of yelling at them.

And sometimes, well sometimes, the solution to not yelling is fortunately as simple as can be. It’s about removing the TANGIBLE TRIGGER, it’s about removing the damn pillows (or tossing the sippy cup that always spills, or donating the shoes that are too hard to Velcro).

Sometimes the solution to not yelling is SO OBVIOUS that it is SCREAMING at me.

What is the one Tangible Trigger in your life that you could remove today and immediately eliminate one typical-yelling situation?

127 days down, 238 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

It is a little weird for me to write and ask you to do something, but alas, I am. Read the first part and then read the second part…it is all about YOU….

WE, yes we even if it just says Orange Rhino that is all encompassing in my book, have been nominated for an award!

A Motivated Mom Award!

This is what I believe is the first of MANY of our chances to Toot OUR horn about our community. I have BIG and I mean BIG plans and dreams and hopes for us, all of us. Please VOTE FOR US, for the Orange Rhino, in the Motivated Mom Awards. This Award isn’t for me, it is for us. We are all Motivated Moms (and dads). We are all motivated to try and change our yelling ways, to be the parent we want to be for our children. And we are all trying in our own way. We are ALL truly a part of this nomination. Period.

So lets vote for us, lets Toot our own Rhino Horn about our efforts!

Please click on the link below and then scroll down until you find The Orange Rhino and click the thumbs up to vote.

http://enlistmoms.com/motivated-mom-awards/motivated-mom-awards-nominees/the-connector-mom/

Please also share the link with your friends, your family, your babysitter, your pre-school teacher whoever. Tell them YOU ARE nominated because of YOUR hardwork to be a better parent.

I myself am late in totally sharing this news for so many reasons. But I share it now proudly. Please take a moment to vote – not just for us but also in support of the Orange Rhino who nominated us. She took her time to do so and I want her to know what an awesome mom and person she is by our community rocking the vote!

A thousand thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Dear EnlistMoms.Com and my friend who knows who she is,

I wanted to thank you. Thank you for helping me to realize the beauty of the blogging world, the Facebook world, the social media world. If you asked me 137 days ago or so what I thought of these worlds, well let’s just say I wouldn’t have had much of an opinion. Because I avoided them like the plague. I didn’t get them. I didn’t understand why someone would want to be a part of such a world. I didn’t get blogging. I was IGNORANT and ignorance is not always bliss. In some weird twist of fate, yes fate, it donned on me to BLOG about The Orange Rhino Challenge and to attempt to create an online Facebook Community to support me in my endeavor. The result?

I’ve met some pretty gosh darn amazing people that I never would have met otherwise.

Strangers who support me. Strangers who support each other. Strangers who became fellow Orange Rhinos and friends. These Orange Rhinos, and by that I mean every single person that reads anything I write or tweet or Facebook post, inspire me, they inspire me with their interest, their dedication, their honesty, their enthusiasm. These Orange Rhinos keep me going – they keep ME connected to my cause, to my challenge. So it is ironic that I have been nominated as a “Connector Mom…the blogger who put the social in social media and is not afraid to over-share” because the reality is that my fellow Orange Rhinos are the real connectors. They are the ones making it happen!

My fellow Orange Rhino’s unwavering support and willingness to comment on my blogs or post on our Facebook page is what motivates me to be fearless and willing to over-share (and that has just begun, I have lots more over-sharing planned for the future, kind of along the lines of way TMI!) It is their commitment to OUR community that keeps us all connected – the daily sharing on Facebook of good days and bad, the nightly sharing on Facebook by tooting of their rhino horns for not yelling that day or just for trying, the all the time sharing of new ideas for not yelling and “you can do it” rallies!

It is the connected Orange Rhino community that keeps me motivated to not yell, to keep blogging, on days when I want to quit because the truth is, I have grown quite fond of our community. It’s a nice place to be 🙂

I think what I love most about our Community is that all the Orange Rhinos are different, yet the same. We have people from Denmark, Columbia, New Zealand, New York, Nebraska, South Carolina and South Africa reading. We have people with 0 kids up to 5 kids. We have male and female readers. We have 22 year old readers and 56 year old readers. And without getting political (because I try to avoid that like the plague too) we have parents from all sides of hot/controversial parenting topics. But the bottom line?! Despite all our difference we have one thing in common. One thing that keeps us ALL connected. Well the few things actually….

We all love our kiddos.
We all want to be the best parent that we can be.
And well, we’re all good people. Because we respect each other, we help each other and we learn from each other. There is nothing but loving more in the Orange Rhino Community and in this day and age, that is truly hard to come by.

It is an honor to be part of such a community, to be connected to so many of these “good people,” people who I never would have met if it weren’t for the beautiful world of Social Media.

So thank you for making me stop and think about what it means to be a “Connector Mom” because it made me realize just how much my opinion of the Social Media world has changed, and truthfully (gasp) how grateful I am for it. I wouldn’t be on Day 127 of not yelling if it weren’t for social media; I wouldn’t be on Day 127 if I weren’t connected to my fellow Orange Rhinos.

Warmest Regards,
The Orange Rhino

125 days of  not yelling, 240 days of loving more to go! 

Dear Gretchen,

I hope you feel honored. Of all the books I could read on my mini-vacation, including 50 shades of whatever it is called, I chose your book, The Happiness Project. Now mind you, I haven’t read a book in probably 4 years except for the What to Expect when you are Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. And mind you, I don’t like reading books (reading is hard for me.) So truly, for me to pick up a real book and read it is a miracle. But given that many of my wonderful blog readers had suggested I read your book, I couldn’t say no. I am glad I listened to them.

You see, in reading your book I started thinking. Which is NEVER a good thing. I mean it is, but it isn’t. Because it means I think of ways to improve (excellent, if executed). But it also means I create new work, new to-do’s for which is the last thing I need. This time though, my thinking turned towards what I affectionately call my silly Orange Rhino Challenge. And even though yes, my mind is now full of new ideas on how to succeed at the Challenge, it is all good. All good. Because the new work impacts my kids and that makes it all worth it.

Somewhere around page 15 I paused and thought “hmmm…I *have* unlocked the key to not yelling at my kids. I think. But what I need to unlock now is how to keep from getting grumpy so that I don’t have to work so hard to not yell in the first place.” To be clear, it’s not that I am an unhappy person it’s just that sometimes I let certain things get me, I let certain things take up space in my mind and it is then very hard to stay focused on being present and loving with my kiddos. Because all I really want to do is yell “LEAVE ME the F ALONE!” I want to stop letting these things get to me – I need to make some changes so that I can be successful at this challenge in the long term!

Anyway, you got me thinking and I am grateful (and I am pretty sure my husband is too, he just won’t admit it).

Cheers,
The Orange Rhino

*
I went away.

I read a book.

It made me think.

It made me think of all the things in my life that make me grumpy, that set me up to snap.

Like clutter.

Like feeling fat.

Like resenting my husband.

Like mama guilt.

Like being tired.

Like not doing the things that make me happy.

Like feeling that I am losing friends, left and right.

Like feeling that time is going by and I am not enjoying it enough…because of all the above things.

So I made some resolutions. Some resolutions focused on changing the areas of my life that need tweaking so that I can be less trigger-happy and more mama-happy!

And I am sticking to them…because I know that they make me a happier person and therefore a better mom and therefore less apt to yell.I am still shocked that I thought starting The Orange Rhino Challenge would JUST be about learning to be more patient, more tolerable. But really, it is about so much more. I never thought I would be doing so much soul searching in order to succeed at this challenge.

Anywho, I share my resolutions with you all to keep me accountable.

1) CLUTTER: Every night I WILL take the 5-10 minutes to put away the clutter because clutter makes me claustrophobic and antsy.

2) WEIGHT: I WILL start Weight Watchers again. I WILL exercise 4 times a week. Because it is important to me, no matter what I say.

3) MARRIAGE: I WILL start communicating with my husband when I am upset instead of holding it in and feeling the resentment grow. And grow. And grow. Because I love my husband and I want our marriage to last a lifetime.

4) MAMA GUILT: I WILL move my computer away from the family area so that I spend more time with my kids and stop feeling crappy that I checked People.com every 30 minutes instead of hanging with my little people.

5) TIRED: I WILL go to bed by 10:00 5 nights a week. Because the truth is if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep I am a beast. 7 will have to do.

6) HOBBIES: I WILL look at pictures 1 night a week because it makes me happy, it makes me smile, it makes me grateful.

7) FRIENDS: I WILL email one friend a night that I don’t see daily

8) PRESENT: I WILL start vocalizing when I am happy and loving a moment to force myself to enjoy it.

No time like the Present! Right now I am happy because the clutter is cleared and well, I met each resolution today. Added bonus: I didn’t yell.

Which reminds me of one more major resolution:

9) ORANGE RHINO: I WILL not yell. I WILL not quit even though I will want to. Often.  Because like it or not, this Challenge is making so many aspects of my life, and my family’s life better.

124 days down, 241 to go!

Dear Vacation sans kids,

You were great. I miss you. But I missed my boys more. And I am glad to be home. Even if re-entry into Mommyland was brutal (ie, so challenging that I almost kissed 123 days bye-bye.) Who knew that 4 boys could make 3 days of feeling calm disappear so quickly?

See you soon I hope,
The Orange Rhino

*

I was gone from my darling four boys for 64 hours.

It took about 12 hours for me to feel relaxed, to feel like I was on vacation, to not look at my watch to see if it was someone’s nap time or if it was time to get ready for dinner.

It took a mere 5 hours of the boys being awake the morning after my late night return for all the stress and exhaustion that had seeped away to re-enter my body.  At FULL force.

WHAM!

Welcome home mommy! Mommy I need you to wipe my butt. Mommy I need water. Mommy he touched my face. Mommy I don’t know what I want so I am going to whine. Mommy my teeth are coming in so I am going to cry. A lot. Mommy, mommy, mommy!!!

Where were the I love you’s? The I miss you’s? The hugs and kisses? Oh I got them. Big time. And that was the greatest moment EVER.

But it only lasted for minutes. Minutes I say. And than BAM. It was time to be mommy again. No more kicking my feet up having deep conversations with my hubby over a strawberry daiquiri. No more taking a two hour nap. No more sleeping in, until, get this 6:30 am. GASP. Nope. It was time to be Mommy again. I was back in Mommyland where one doesn’t just love their kids but has to also care for them, a wonderful yet hard at times, task.

Don’t get me wrong. I was THRILLED to be home. I AM thrilled to be home. Gosh, I missed my boys so much. Every time I called and spoke to them I wanted to go home to hear their laugh, to watch them make silly faces, to get their hugs. But being away was good for ALL of us. It was good for my boys and me – we never get a real break, I think this made us appreciate each other more. It was good for my husband and me – we needed some connecting time, big time. All in all it was a great escape, hard to be away, but worthwhile. I truly chilled out for the first time in oh, 24 months or so?

As I re-entered Mommyland I promised myself that I would keep my “vacation” mindset on. That I would not let the stress of parenting suck me in right away. That I would at least wait a day, hopefully more before I became a twit about clutter, things to do for the kids, things to do for me, doctors appointments to make.

Wishful thinking. 1 day? As if.

I don’t know what put me over the edge. What made my “vacation self” disappear. All I know is that one moment I was calm and next minute, Holy Sh*t!! I wanted to scream at everyone! At everything that moved. Everyone wanted me. Everyone was yelling. I was tired and to make matters “worse,” darnit, I couldn’t yell and that one piece was kicking my a*s.

And that is when I remembered how I felt when I started The Orange Rhino Challenge. OVERWHELMED. Exhausted. Infuriated. It. Is. HARD. Hard. Hard not to yell. Just being away for three days of peace and quiet made my home life feel like someonewas taking a hammer to my head. All the chaos. All the yelling. All the needs pounding me left and right. It is A LOT to take in. And not being able to yell to stop the pounding? It is blooming hard work. And so is parenting. I guess I had kind of forgotten that while I was away. And coming back to it all made me want to scream “JUST BACK OFF! Give mommy one second to breathe. PLEASE!”

But I didn’t.

Instead all day long I had silent conversations with myself.

“Don’t yell, you don’t want to yell.”
“Don’t yell, you aren’t mad at the kids, you are just tired.”
“Don’t yell, you are just stressed because of the laundry that awaits and the bag to unpack.”
“Don’t yell, it is just cookie crumbs.”

The list could go on and on. Every second, okay maybe not every second, but maybe every 10 minutes? I was telling myself another reason not to yell. Between the literal noise outside my head, and the constant racket inside my head, I was ready to explode.

I got very close. Numerous times. And when that happened I just used my new catch phrase “Mommy is very frustrated. I do not want to yell. I do not want to start again. Please help me.” I am not sure it helped changed their behavior at the moment (I was TOO tired from sleeping on the couch to notice a thing!) but I do know it kept my behavior in line. Phew.

When I zonked into bed that night, more liked passed out, I was really perturbed. How could I miss these kids so much, how can I love them so much, and then within hours of being home I want to yell at them? Didn’t I become a more loving, peaceful, and empathetic person these last 120 days plus? What happened? Did the new me just vanish after 3 days of a break? Will it come back? WTF?

Thankfully, oh so thankfully, the answer is YES. The new me did NOT disappear. All my hard work was not lost. I have changed habits (I think) and this change will not go away. I just had a challenging day. IT HAPPENS. But after a good night’s sleep in my own bed, and a mental pep talk that I knew that the first day back would be brutal, I started Sunday on a much better note. How do I know? Well when I stepped out of bed onto a huge pile of Legos that someone had left behind at 5 am? I didn’t yell.

119 days down, a lot to go!

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for letting me post my 1000 blog Monday night! I really thought you were going to tell me to take a hike, that it was too long but alas, you accepted it. You helped proved me point – if there is a will, there is a way.

So glad you are my friend,
The Orange Rhino

So today I started writing a post about Weight Loss. Believe it or not it has A LOT to do with learning to not yell. A lot. The parallels are frightening actually. And it is something on my mind right now. One of my personal triggers to yelling is feeling crappy about my weight. Huh? Well if I feel overweight my clothes feel tight. When my clothes feel tight I pull at them all day. When I pull at my clothes I am reminded that they are tight because I gained weight. When I remember that I gained weight I immediately feel disappointed in myself for gaining weight. Then my self-confidence takes a hit and I become so pre-occupied with feeling crappy that everything pisses me off. And well right now, my clothes are REALLY tight and I REALLY want to yell. Both at the kids and myself. And I don’t want to yell nice things. I want to yell mean things especially to myself:

“Why can’t you get it together?!”
“Why can’t you find self control?”
“Why can’t you stay focused, stay determined?”
“Why do you keep quitting?”
“Don’t you want to do this? Isn’t it important to you??”

Wait, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell?!

After this chit chat, a new conversation with myself starts…

“That’s it. Today is the day. I am taking the Weight Watchers calculator back out and I am tracking what I eat. And I am going to lose this weight come hell or high water. “

And so I try again. To find focus, determination, will power, strength. Because starting the day by getting out of the shower to feel the jiggle of my thighs followed by seeing the ripples in the mirror is so NOT the way to start the day. I like to start the day feeling confident in myself, not disappointed in myself.

Everyday since January I make it about ¾ of the way through the day doing great with my points and then I want to eat crappy food…and I do.

Why?

Well it tastes good and it seems to take the stress away. It seems to wake me up from my sleep deprived state. It seems to make me feel happy if I am feeling preoccupied at that moment. But it only is good for about 20 minutes. Then BAM! The crappy food makes me feel crappy inside.  And the cycle starts again:

Why can’t I do this?
What is wrong with me?
Why can’t I just stop eating crappy?

And then the vicious cycle kicks in.

I feel crappy that I lost my self control.

So I eat.

Then I feel crappy even more so.

So I eat some more.

Then I think well, since I can’t seem to get it together, since I can’t find control, I might as well not try. Screw it. I’ll eat crappy the rest of the day and start again first thing tomorrow morning.

Well of course all this thinking just makes me feel crappier and crappier by the day to the point where my self confidence has now taken such a hit from the mental feeling disappointed in myself attack that now I don’t even want to try to lose weight because I have 1) gained more than the original 10 pounds I was trying to lose and 2) because it feels like an even bigger battle that I fear I can’t conquer.

BUT OF COURSE this is bullshit. I do want to lose weight. I am just frustrated because it is HARD work. Because it takes constant effort, because it takes patience, because it doesn’t give immediate results.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning to not yell???

Anywho, I asked my husband the other day why can’t I lose the weight this time? Why was I able to find the motivation, the drive, the self control, the strength after college, after the other three pregnancies but not this one? What is wrong with me? I know I am older, but still. What gives?

His answer?

It isn’t a priority. Losing weight isn’t a priority for you right now. Your weight might not be where you want it, but it isn’t horrific. So it bothers you but not enough to motivate you to make it a priority. And besides, because you are older it takes more work to lose the weight so you aren’t getting immediate results which kills your motivation. And besides, because you have 4 kids not 3, you are busier and getting to the gym is harder, taking long family walks, is harder, getting the sleep you need, is harder. So even if it WAS a priority it still would be harder than before.

Harumph. He is kind of right. It isn’t a priority because I am not letting it be. But to me, it is a priority I am just too frustrated to make it a real one. I am too frustrated to try. The problem with that mentality? It takes me no where good fast.  I’ve been there before. In college I gave up and gained 50 pounds. I quit because it was easier than trying. I had a bad day? Who cares? What difference does it make at this point, I’ve already gained 40 pounds, give me 3 scoops of ice cream.

It took me meeting my husband after college and thinking, “I want a family with this guy, I want to run around and play with our kids in the backyard and I can’t at this weight” to realize, crap, I need to change. It took me getting caught yelling at my four boys to realize, crap, I need to change. Why do I always let things get out of control before I make a change?

Not this time. I am writing this blog tonight to say to myself. ENOUGH. STOP THE CYCLE. Stop it now. You can do this Orange Rhino. You CAN make the tough choices. Because it is important to you. Because your kids are important to you.

Again, am I talking about weight loss or learning not to yell?

114 days down, 251 to go!

Dear Galen,

You asked such a simple question and I want to give you a simple answer. But there isn’t one. I mean there is, but at the same time there isn’t. So I have done my best to say what I want to say but as it is complicated and I am sleep deprived, I am not sure I have done a good job. I’ll let you decide.

Cheers!

The Orange Rhino

*

So, now that I have gone 114 days without yelling at my kids, can I say that their behavior is better? Drumroll Please.

The answer? Yes and No.

Why No?

They still kick each other, throw food, refuse to clean their rooms, yell at each other, spit and hit. Awesome. And they still don’t always listen to simple requests to do something or to stop doing something for that matter.  Double awesome. Oh the list goes on and on of all the behavior that I wish would magically disappear. But it ain’t going anywhere soon. My boys are kids. No matter how great I parent, they are still going to have their moments, their days. Heck, I have my moments and my days no matter how great they behave. Let’s face it, none of us, kids or adults, are perfect (darnit)!

Was this not the answer you were hoping for? How about this then.

YES! Both in Perception and in Reality.

The REALITY is that while the not-so-desirable behavior still exists, when it does appear it lasts for a shorter amount of time. Why? Because I am no longer encouraging the behavior. Yes, I was unintentionally encouraging the behavior.

When I used to yell at my boys, it did anything but stop the behavior. It just added fuel to the fire. My yelling often made them so angry and hurt that they wouldn’t (couldn’t?)  listen to me. The “annoying” behavior either continued or was just traded in for another, normally much more annoying behavior. You yelled at me for jumping on your bed? Okay, I’ll stop that and start running around your bedroom screaming instead. You yelled at me for dumping my legos on the floor? Okay, I’ll leave them there and just dump out another bucket of toys. Why did they just change one bad behavior for another? Because when I yelled, I wasn’t actively trying to stop the behavior. I was just HOPING that yelling would stop it.

And it didn’t.  Sure after a while my yelling would get nasty enough stop the “bad” behavior chain reaction but only to then be replaced with a screaming fit about how mean I am and how much I hurt their feelings. So while technically the yelling stopped bad behavior, it just created a new situation to solve. A much WORSE situation.

Simply put, yelling was totally unproductive but oh so easy. It was so easy to sit back and yell; much easier than actually stopping and thinking to myself why are they acting this way? Are they mad at something? Are they hungry? Sad? Moody? What can I do to help them calm down, to engage in better behavior?

Instead of being proactive and trying to understand the behavior so that I could HELP my boys, I just thought to myself, ugh, this behavior sucks and then I yelled at them. No wonder the behavior got worse when I yelled. Not only did I make them feel crappy but I wasn’t always (never?) addressing the real problem!  Remove the yelling and I am forced to be proactive (or keep letting them misbehave and make my life miserable). Hmmmm, tough call.

YES, it is MUCH much harder to stop and figure out the root of their behavior and YES it takes more time up front but the desired result of ending the bad behavior comes much faster because we actually address (and fix if possible) the REAL problem.

Why are you jumping on my bed? Oh, because you are bored? Great, let’s do a puzzle. Why did you dump your legos out? Oh, you couldn’t find the right red one? Great, let me help you find it. Why are you throwing toys? Oh, because you wish daddy was home? Great, let me give you a big hug and snuggle.

And YES sometimes I realize that the answer to why the bad behavior is oh, you are acting that way just because? Just because you too, like me, are human and sometimes have an off day? GREAT, I get it! I have those days too! And yes sometimes there is no answer and I just have to remember that my boys are JUST KIDS. Both these realizations, and understanding the root of the behavior, shorten the tantrum because it makes me more empathetic, more loving, less annoyed. And the minute I show love and compassion and not frustration, the tantrum starts to slow down. 

So YES all in all their behavior is better because the less desirable behavior is shorter lived. And that is a welcomed improvement.

And by the way, even if the behavior in Reality wasn’t better I would still tell you that it is. Not just to make you not give up on the challenge (hahaha) but because I do truly PERCEIVE it to be better.

Why? Because after 114 days of working to understand my boys behavior, I am now more accepting of it. I am simply more tolerant of it, it doesn’t make my blood boil (as much) and I don’t want to scream (as much). To be clear, I don’t like the bad behavior, and I certainly DON’T condone it, but I am no longer as frustrated by it. I attribute this to the fact that not only do I understand them better, that I am more empathetic, but also because I truly am calmer. Because I am not getting myself all extra worked up when they are in a moment of sheer utterly annoying behavior and are acting out, it doesn’t feel as bad because I don’t feel as bad. Because I know that I am capable of working with them to settle down. Because I know that yelling doesn’t work.  Because I know that loving them more does.