310 days without yelling, 55 days of loving more to go!

Dear Perfection,

I am pretty sure this post won’t meet your expectations. But as a holiday gift to myself, so I can be less stressed, I am letting it go.

Happy Holidays,
The Orange Rhino

*

‘Tis the season for giving, or so the saying goes. Sadly, it more often turns out to be ‘tis the season for yelling. Because let’s face it, this season exaggerates every major yelling trigger possible.

More to-dos in even less time? More stress, more yelling.
More parties and late nights? Less sleep, more yelling.
More alcohol and junk food?  Less feeling good about our bodies, more yelling.
More anticipation for gifts, more impatience waiting for the holidays, more hyper kids? More overwhelmed parents, more yelling.
More spending of money? More fights over finances, more yelling.

The list could go on and on. But I think the point is clear. This joyous season is supposed to bring out the best in people but for me? Well I quickly realized on Thanksgiving that first and foremost it brings out my desire to yell. The stress of the season teases me to give gifts of anger, impatience, and annoyance to my boys…it pushes me to give anything but love.

I think it was the setting of the Thanksgiving table that kicked the Holiday stress into high gear.  Realizing that I needed to iron the tablecloth, decorate the table, wipe down the crystal glasses, find the candles, do this and do that just triggered the other to-do lists for the holiday season. Get a good family picture. Order holiday cards. Shop for the kids, the hubby. Decorate the house inside. Put lights up outside. Find the Elf. Wrap the presents. Buy gifts for the teachers and therapists. Find a good cheerful mood. Yes, the simple task of setting a table sent me over the edge and had me sweating and cursing under my breath within minutes. I quickly became agitated and lost site of the awesomeness going on; the awesomeness of my boys gleefully watching the Macy’s Day Parade just like I did as a child. I just wanted to plop on the couch with them and ooh and awe over the floats but instead I grumpily insisted I had “so much to do.”

As I wrapped up setting the table, the boys ran to me shrieking with joy that Santa was on TV; that Christmas was coming! A wee lad plowed right into my back, almost knocking the crystal glasses in my hand to the ground. I spun around, fire in my throat and then stopped. You see, my darling boys were all wearing matching orange polos that they picked out for Thanksgiving because orange was a Thanksgiving color. It worked brilliantly. The sight of orange immediately reminded me of my promise to be a more loving mom and not a yelling mom.

In fact, the shirts worked so brilliantly that I suggest all holidays this month change their signature colors to orange! Because holidays are wonderful and full of joy but also, full of stress and therefore full of opportunities to yell. So this holiday, now that I am woefully aware of how the stress makes me want to yell, I am going to remember my Orange Rhino promise and get back to the original saying “‘tis the season for giving.” This holiday season, I am going to give all the gifts that keep me from yelling, and then some.

I am going to give empathy to my boys. I am going to remind myself of how excited impatient, and hyper I was as a child as I waited for Santa to come. I will choose to be understanding of their behavior, not critical of it, even if I just want to scream chill out!

I am going to give enthusiasm to my boys. I am going to get excited about where the Elf is hidden; I am going to get excited counting down the days to Christmas; I am going to get excited talking about Santa even if I am tired of the same conversation, over and over again, or tired from a late night out or a late night up wrapping gifts.

I am going to give myself permission to not be perfect this Holiday season. I am going to remind myself daily that the best house decoration is a smile on my face; that the best wrapped gift is a joyous attitude; that the best holiday card is one that is mailed and not one with the perfect picture.

I am going to give myself a break when I step on the scale and it screams that I ate too many holiday cookies. I am going to tell myself it is okay, that tomorrow is a new day, that I need not criticize myself for enjoying the treats of the seasons.

I am going to give gratitude to everyone on my shopping list. Sure, a thoughtful, on-time present wrapped with a bow would be beautiful, but in case that doesn’t happen (because given this month, it won’t), I will write a meaningful note of how lucky I am that person is in my life.

I am going to give myself perspective. When I am up late meticulously wrapping presents I am going to remember that what is important this holiday is family, friends, love, tradition and memories and not the number of gifts under the tree or how pretty they are wrapped.  I am going to remind myself that a rested mommy will enjoy the memories as they happen more than a tired mommy who strove to make the memories perfect.

And I am going to give kindness to everyone, strangers, myself, my family, my friends. I am going to do random acts of kindness not just because it feels good, but also because sharing love is what the season is about.

Which brings me back to the beginning. ‘Tis the season for giving. Giving love that is. If I don’t give the gifts above, well, then I will most definitely give anger, frustration, shame and quite possible a big old yell to my boys. And that is most certainly not on my shopping list.

So season for yelling begone. ‘Tis the season for giving, the season for love, and I’m giving my boys the gift of not yelling.

304 days without yelling, 61 days of loving more to go!
Favorite Song Friday #6 

Dear Eminen,

I can NOT believe I am quoting you on my blog. I do not consider myself one who likes rap. At all. In fact, I strongly dislike most of it (and most of your lyrics in this song for that matter!) But back in January when I just started this Challenge, I heard this song on the radio and it has stuck with me since. So much of it resonated with where I was at before, where I was then, and where I have been since. I received a lot of doubt when I shared this idea of mine (understandably) and have since received a fair amount of criticism: you’re a lazy parent for not yelling, your kids are not doubt spoiled by your “softness.” This song reminds me to disregard the doubt and the criticism. To stand strong. To not be afraid. To shoot for the moon.

Word?
The Orange Rhino

*

Eminen, “I’m Not Afraid” <no video as it was um, too, um, colorful?! But hopefully you know the tune and can hum along.>

Lyrics first, followed by my “interpretation”

I’m not afraid, I’m not afraid.
To take a stand, to take a stand…
Yeah, it’s been a ride
Everybody, everybody, I guess I had to,
Come take my hand, come take my hand,Go to that place to get to this one.
We’ll walk this world together through the storm. Now some of you.
Whatever weather, cold or warm. Might still be in that place.
Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone. If you’re tryin’ to get out.
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road.
Just follow me, I’ll get you there.
…
‘Cause ain’t no way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something, I do it, I don’t give a damn what you think
I’m doin’ this for me… I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt, undoubtably
And all those who look down on me, I’m tearing down your balcony
No if, ands, or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can …
I’m not afraid, I’m not afraidTo take a stand, to take a standEverybody, everybodyCome take my hand, come take my hand…
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back…
All I’m tryin’ to say is get back, click clack, pow’ Cause I ain’t playin’ around, it’s the game called circlin’ I don’t know how, I’m way too rough to back down…
And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Tryin’ to put my life back together right now
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally for you…you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, believe me you
…’Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquour counter up’ Cause I’m raisin’ the bar, I shoot for the moon But I’m too busy gazin’ at stars I feel amazin’ 

*

I’m not afraid … to stand up and say that I think we can parent and discipline without yelling. I’m not afraid to try and change. Perhaps afraid it will be hard and I’ll “fail” but that ain’t gonna stop me.

Come take my hand … we will learn to change together. Sincerely. Together. This isn’t my challenge, my blog, it is all ours.

Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road … PLEASE HOLLA LOUDLY! We all feel better when we know we aren’t the only ones struggling. Holla loudly and find comfort!

When I say I’m gonna do something … please just believe in me, don’t belittle me and P.S. if you do belittle me, it just fires me up to do even better.

I just can’t keep living this way … feeling awful that I scream so, hiding my shame and struggles. I want to be free.

I’m breaking out of this cage, starting today … And taking on The Challenge!

You helped see me through … all 630 of you! and gratitude ain’t even the word.

I’m shooting for the moon…and I feel amazin’ … because taking a stand, trying to change, pushing through, seeing the stars, feels beyond amazin’!

294 days without yelling, 71 days of loving more to go!

Dear Fruit Cake,

Move over. This holiday season, you are no longer the #1 gift. The Orange Rhino Emergency Basket is. Filled with 10 of the Orange Rhino’s favorite things to use when she wants to yell, the Orange Rhino Emergency Basket is the perfect gift for any mother or father. In fact, you can give it to employers, friends, grandmas, Starbucks baristas, crappy drivers on the highway yelling at you to move when traffic is full on stopped. Yes, you can give this basket to anyone this season. Because face it…come the holiday season, everyone yells more than they like. And what everyone wants is to not yell, not Fruit Cake.

Best of luck to you,
The Orange Rhino

*

Feeling like you are going to yell? Need a quick fix to snap you out of it? Grab one of these 10 items and remember your promise to yourself and to your kids, to not yell at them. Grab one of these items to feel better, to find empathy, to make your kids laugh, to relax. Grab one of these items and feel the desire to yell slowly fade away.

And yes. Yes I do have this basket in my house. And yes. Yes I do use these items. What was that? Has this challenge made me a little silly and over the top? Why, yes, yes it has!

1. Start blowing bubbles (Helps me take deep breaths but more so, reminds me of childhood and that I should just chill out sometimes!)
2. Put hand in front of mouth and pretend to “toot” a horn or grab this horn and blow  (Great attention getter making it easier to deliver my message without yelling. Focused kids equal kids that can listen better.)
3. Put funny glasses on and “look” through their eyes  (Makes kids laugh diverting them from bad behavior and helps  me to force myself to see kids in an orange way, a more loving, understanding way. )
4. Spray silly string (Fun diversions help everyone relax and refocus.)
5. Pop some orange M&M’s into mouth, a.k.a. Orange Rhino Pills! (Chocolate is a great mood changer! I stash these everywhere I need them – purse, car, diaper bag, desk drawer. Need a laugh? Read this blog post Parental Laryngitis about the pills!)
   

6. Paint toe nails orange (Reminds me every morning to be warm and composed. Added benefit? My boys ask why my toes are not pink like other moms. Ha! Their interest really reminds me of my promise to them!)

7. Buy orange napkins and keep in the kitchen (Meal times are hard – I make them more fun and more peaceful with this good reminder. And on nights I know are going to be beyond difficult I whip out the orange plates!)

8. Put orange post it notes all over the house ESPECIALLY where I am apt to yell (It’s like having a built in alarm system for yelling. When I am feeling really corny or goofy or stressed I even write notes to myself. You can do it! Don’t yell, laugh. Don’t yell, smile. Tell your kids you love them.)

Orange post-it note warning! Dear Orange Rhino – don’t yell at the kids for not getting ready for school on time. Help them if need be! Barking orders gets you nowhere fast!

9. Make Orange Rhino sign, attach popsicle sticks and have Kids hold it up when crankiness starts (They love it and having a team to support you in house is huge!)

10. Serve Orange Foods/Drinks  (oranges, peaches, cheese, Cheez its, carrots)

The beauty of this basket? It is not only easy to put together thanks to Party City and their new color coordinated section but it is easy to move around to different rooms depending on where you are. Having a really bad day? Bring it with you everywhere! The basement, the garage, outside, the kitchen, the bathroom (you know because what parent EVER goes to the bathroom alone?!) Having an easy day? Leave it in plain sight in the kitchen.

Want to personalize the basket?

Try adding an orange sweater for someone who loves clothes. My favorite is this one from Old Navy – I have it, super soft and super obnoxiously bright orange! I wear it on days that I know are going to be rough, you know, days that start before 5:30! http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=60790&vid=1&pid=262546072

Or how about for someone who loves to cook? This is a MUST. It’s orange and it says Love. What is not to Love? Purchase at www.brownlowgiftcom. I know I fell in love when I found it and by the way, it actually is a phenomenal spatula. Works beautifully and I love that it “belongs” in the kitchen because that is where most of my stress is.

Okay, and who doesn’t love a candle? Yankee Candle’s Spiced Pumpkin is great. Any orange candle is for that matter because the scent is relaxing and the color is a great reminder.

So what are you waiting for? Throw out the fruit cake and make an Orange Rhino Emergency basket for your friend, a neighbor OR better yet YOURSELF.

Why does The Orange Rhino Emergency Basket work? Because most of the items create distractions. They stop “bad” behavior, both MINE and my boys. These items help both my boys and I stop and re-focus so I can deliver my message calmly and they can hear my message easily (or easier). Go ahead, give it a try! Or at least add it to your holiday list!

286 days without yelling, 79 days of loving more to go! 

Dear #2 and #3,

You continue to give my great photo opps. Thank you. But next time could you please stay OFF the high chairs and ask me for help?!

much love,
The Orange Rhino Mommy

*

Oh boys. Oh my dear, dear boys. I love the teamwork. I love the independence. I love the confidence. I don’t however love the unhealthy snack or the dangerous approach. All that said, I do love you for giving me a great idea for a new alternative to yelling, like stopping and taking a picture. See?

Remember this picture?

“You block mom, I’ll get the pickles. In the glass jar…”

Well those two were at it again yesterday. Same idea, new location, and a new alternative created and I just realized, clearly the same shirt. But on a different child. AWESOME.

Who wants a snack?

I think this is how the conversation went down before the picture:

“Hey #3, let’s push the wobbly chair over to the cabinets and get really, really close to the stairs so that when mommy turns around from changing a diaper she sees us and gets all in a twit.”

“Okay #2. And I know. Instead of getting a healthy snack lets each shove a mouthful of marshmallows in our mouths so when she asks us what we were thinking we can’t talk.”

“Great idea. Do you think while she grabs her camera, because we know she will, we can quickly shove some marshmallows in her mouth so she can’t yell at us?”

“Yeah. Good thinking.”

“Ready. Set, go!”

And this is how the conversation went when the boys were busted (and after a took a picture)!

“Um boys, what are you doing?”

“dghdshgdsha”

Yep, their plan worked. I couldn’t understand a darn word. Between the smiles and the giggles and the mumbled words I couldn’t even yel. I did manage to not laugh though and to still firmly remind that that their behavior was unsafe. And then when they offered me a marshmallow I accepted. It was a sweet peace offering I couldn’t resist (even though I probably should have.)

As I munched on my marshmallow I had fond memories of a Bridal Shower where we made the bride eat a marshmallow every time she answered a question about her future husband wrong. How many kids does he want? 2? Wrong. 1. Marshmallow in. When did he know he was going to marry you? First date? Wrong. 2^nd marshmallow in. By the fourth marshmallow we couldn’t understand a word she spoke and couldn’t stop laughing. Just like now.

Which made me think: what if I carried marshmallows around and stuffed them in my mouth whenever I wanted to yell? That would definitely make the boys laugh and change their behavior (win) but oh so not practical or smart of nutritious (no win).

BUT I could bite my tongue and try to talk instead. That would DEFINITELY have the same effect. I tried it out today when everyone was crying and carrying on at dinner time. They weren’t doing anything deserving of yelling or reprimand I was just tired and cranky.

So I bit my tongue and talked pretending I had marshmallows in my mouth.

It sounded like this, kind of:

<<< Okay, just kidding. I can’t figure out how to upload a video to my friend’s computer. So just Imagine it! Better yet try it tomorrow!>>>

When I spoke, the boys stopped in their tracks and started laughing while asking me “mommy, what’s wrong with your mouth?” “mommy you sound like after you went to the dentist.” “mommy you sound funny.”

I had their attention at last and it was quiet enough to get my message across. So I repeated it this time not biting my tongue.

“Boys. Please stop yelling. I have a headache and I am really tired. Please go play with your legos. Thank you!”

“Oh, okay.”

Wow. Biting my tongue literally worked. I’ve always heard that sometimes you have to bite your tongue. Guess it’s true.

282 days without yelling, 83 days of loving more to go!
Favorite Song #4

Dear Peter Gabriel,

I still sing and smile and remember when I was a teenager who dreamed about a boy showing up to her window with a boombox whenever I hear the song “In your eyes” from Say Anything. And now this song made me smile because it reminds me of a strong belief of mine, to not give up. Whatever the challenge, don’t give up…I hadn’t sung this song in ages but my post last night brough it right back. And the words couldn’t be more fitting.

Thank you,
The Orange Rhino

*

Don’t give up by Peter Gabriel

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail
…
Dont give up
cos you have friends (right here Orange Rhinos!)
Dont give up
Youre not beaten yet
Dont give up
I know you can make it good
…
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up
We dont need much of anything
Dont give up
cause somewhere theres a place
Where we belong (it’s right here)

Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Dont give up
Please dont give up
…
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one (you are so not!)
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed (none what so ever)
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are (I am amazed by anyone trying to be a better mother)
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Dont give up
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong 

281 days without yelling, 84 days of loving more to go!

Dear Self,

Remember a few months ago when you hated your body because those last 12 pounds of baby weight wouldn’t budge and felt it mandatory to stay glued to your thighs, hips, a*s, stomach, face, arms, and  well everywhere? And remember how many times you wanted to give up because all your tracking of food and extra exercising seemed to be producing no results? And remember how one day the scale FINALLY showed progress and that pushed you to keep going until all 12 pounds were gone? I tell you this to prove that you can lose those 8 pounds that you gained these last few weeks eating processed carbs and drinking numerous glasses of vino! You can do it!

xoxo,
Yourself (the one tired of hearing you complain that you can’t do it as you shove another bite of ice cream in your mouth).

*

ARGH! I am stuck, stuck, stuck! I want to lose weight but I can’t seem to move forward. Every morning I say “today is the day! Today is the day that just like that I am going to stop eating crap and starting feeling better about myself.” And then every night comes and as I get in my pajamas and I see my belly shake I say “tomorrow will be the day. Tomorrow will be the day that I exercise and eat well.”

I’ve been having these chats and trying hard to eat well for two weeks now. And I am making NO progress. The scale isn’t budging and I’m pissed.

Is it good that each day I keep trying? Yes. Is it good that each day after one mistake I say screw it I’ll start again tomorrow and give up? NO. Because not only does that just make it harder, but also there are lots more chances that day to succeed and get back on path.

When I recently lost weight I wanted to give up every single day because I didn’t see any progress. One morning the scale yelled at me ever so rudely “YOU SUCK AT LOSING WEIGHT!” and then my pants yelled at me “STOP EATING SO YOU CAN BUTTON ME AGAIN!” and then my husband said to me as he saw tears come to my eyes, “Don’t give up. Don’t give up.”

And I didn’t because I knew I wanted to change, that I had to keep going because I felt so awful about myself that it was permeating everything and everyone I touched. And what would know? The very next day the scale finally showed me some serious love. And that day I worked even harder because I knew I could do it. And I worked harder the next day and the day after and the day after and then weeks later I was at a weight I have dreamed of for 8 years.

All because I didn’t give up.

Because I didn’t stop trying after one mistake. Because I asked for support from my husband. Because I forgave myself after the extra cookies. Because I stopped putting myself down, telling myself I couldn’t do it, that I sucked. Because after a few pounds of success I believed in myself that I could do it.

Oh wait, am I talking about my challenge with weight loss or the challenge of learning not to yell?

When I started this challenge the counter always yelled at me “You suck, you can’t stop yelling!” and my children yelled at me “STOP yelling, you’re so mean!” and then one day when I wanted to quit because it was so HARD and EXHAUSTING I wrote on The Orange Rhino Facebook wall and you all told me “Don’t give up. Don’t give up.”

And I didn’t. The next moment I wanted to yell I didn’t because I knew I could control myself. And the moment after, and the moment after that. Before I knew it, I had gone days without yelling. 281 days later and I still haven’t yelled…

Because I didn’t stop trying after one bad moment of yelling.
Because I asked for support.
Because I forgave myself when I did yell.
Because I stopped telling myself I would never change.
Because after a few moments of success I believed in myself that I could do it.

And I believe that I can lose weight again.
And I BELIEVE that you can learn to lose your yelling voice.

Ask me for help. Don’t write a day off if you yell. I promise that your kids will give lots of opportunities to try again! Forgive yourself when you do yell. Stop yelling yourself you can’t change. Know that you will have moments of success and that those moments will make you encourage and inspire you to keep going.

I wrote this last night when I was angry that I had done well all day and then blew it when I rammed ice cream down like a champ after the kids went to bed.

BUT this morning I got on the scale. Ironically, it FINALLY showed me that my attempts this week weren’t for naught. That moment of progress inspired me to finally eat a healthy lunch again and finally said no to the extra cookie. Sometimes it just takes one good moment to be propelled to keep trying. But if you don’t try, you might never get that one moment. 

278 days without yelling, 87 days of loving more to go!

Dear Monday,

Why can’t you ever be nice to me? First you fill my house with tears, then you break my computer and then you break my dryer. Yes, I blame you for all those things because I feel like it. Harrumph.

A disgruntled Orange Rhino

*

Picture this. It’s Monday morning. Not just any Monday morning but one after a two week vacation from school and any routine really. Now add three over-tired kids because they don’t get daylight savings and one baby who likes to pick up everything and move it. Oh! And don’t forget the super high-strung mommy who didn’t sleep a wink because of her own nightmares. Okay. Can you see all the tears? Can you hear all the protests against going to school? Can you feel all the tension? If so, you were at my house this morning. It gets better.

Written November 7, Day 10 without power

Dear Facebook,

Was it really necessary to delete all I had just written after the day I had?! ARGH!

Not so sincerely,
The Orange Rhino

(Dear Orange Rhinos – as I get back up and running (translation: get two weeks of laundry and dust bunnies taken care of – I wanted to re-post what I wrote on my phone for those who don’t Facebook. I will write something new soon. Like tonight. I promise!)

*

Today was ugly. Absolutely  positively, 110% ugly. It was indeed the worst day I have had on this challenge, a day I am ashamed of because it was full of way too much snapping and way too much mumbling not nice things under my breath. It was a day filled with venom.

It started off great

“Me too I said! Me too.””Do you need a kiss and a hug to make it feel better?””Yes I do. Do you?”

“YES”

We hugged and kissed and guess what, I felt better. It was still an ugly day but at least I was able to pull it together to have that moment. Because it was the sweetest, most powerfully engaged moment I’ve had in days and I needed it. His little hug and kiss, and your stories today, totally recharged me. Phew!

Friday’s Favorite Song #3…

Yesterday, after a mere two hours of being up with all my boys and a whopping 11 to go, I started writing an email to my husband. “Dear hubby, I don’t think I will survive this day.” Then I paused. I read my words and pressed delete. I realized that with that defeatist attitude, yeah, I wouldn’t survive, that my thoughts would indeed become reality. And then Gloria Ga