222 days without yelling, 143 days of loving more to go!

(This is a follow up to yesterday’s post, click here to read it)

Dear Excuses,

I love you. No really, I do.  Whenever I don’t want to do something hard, something that makes me uncomfortable or do something that I fear I will fail, I search for you and hold on tight. You entice me with your promise of comfort. But the thing is, sometimes I have to let go of you in order to move forward. Please don’t hate me when I do. And more so, PLEASE don’t try to woo me back. It takes a lot of work to move on from you.

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*
219ish days or so ago I had to find the strength to kick 5 really good “why I can’t stop yelling at my kids” excuses to the curb. If I didn’t, I didn’t stand a chance of getting my Orange Rhino Challenge off the ground. So I had a heart to heart with myself and came up with lots of reasons why my excuses weren’t reasonable, why they didn’t stand ground, why they were weak and didn’t deserve to be holding me back from the mom I wanted to be.  I was harsh with myself but I needed to be. It was time. ENOUGH ALREADY of complaining and not doing.

Even though I did successfully put the excuses behind me and started building a bridge towards becoming a non-yelling parent (LOVE for my kids really is a great motivator!), those excuses do still sneak up on me when I am really stressed, when I am extra tired and when the kids are extra difficult. They try so hard to woo me back when I am weak. Kind of like RIGHT NOW, making this the perfect time to remind myself of all the reasons why my excuses needed to take a hike in the first place and all the solutions I discovered so far to keeping them at bay.

My Excuse: I don’t know how else to stop behavior besides yelling
My Rebuttal (written as if I was talking to myself because well, that is what I did!): First, you have never tried REAL hard to stop yelling, you’ve never made it a priority, you’ve never invested time in finding alternatives so how do you know you don’t know how? And besides, you’ve never been a parent before; you are still learning the ins and outs. Parenting is a process and it is a different process with every child. You may not know how to parent without yelling TODAY but with practice and research and support you CAN figure out how. Besides you LOVE your boys. Changing this behavior IS important to you.

My Solution(s): Keep trying new alternatives until you find what clicks with each child. Keep reading parenting magazines for tips and tricks. Keep being open and honest with friends and The Orange Rhino Community and ask what works for them knowing that it may or may NOT work for your child. Keep BELIEVING that there is a way, keep BELIEVING in yourself that you can do this. Oh, and read these links for alternatives ideas for yelling.

My Excuse: I don’t want to ask for help, I am too embarrassed
My Rebuttal: Oh dearest Orange Rhino, get over yourself. You are NOT perfect and no matter what any mother says, she is not perfect either. We all have areas of improvement and we ALL could use help on something or other. It is OKAY to admit to a weakness. If you feel judged for admitting you need help then guess what? You don’t need that person in your inner circle.

My Solution(s): Keep blogging and finding support from The Orange Rhino Community and remembering that you are NOT alone in this challenge. Keep telling yourself that no one is perfect and it is OKAY not to be.

My Excuse:  I know the problem will just fix itself, I will just become patient
My Rebuttal: You will not magically get it together, you will not magically become patient. You are NOT Tinkerbell with magic powers. Being a parent does take work, learning to be patient takes work. Learning to be patient IS possible. It is a process and it will take time but it IS possible.

My Solution(s):  When seeking patience, look for perspective (it’s just spilled milk), remind yourself they are just kids and are still learning, take deep breaths, say out loud “I want to be patient,” or find humor. And above all else, take care of YOU so that you can be in a good place full of mental strength and physical strength so that you can’t get (that) worn down by all the trials that come with parenting. Keep exercising. Keep trying to get more sleep.

My Excuse: I don’t need to change, my yelling isn’t that bad
My Rebuttal:  Let’s put aside formal research and therapists opinions on how yelling impacts children for a moment because we know they will say that yelling is bad. Period.  What is your opinon? What was that you said? You feel bad and have major mama guilt when you yell? You want to change?  Then it was that bad. Besides you know you weren’t yelling on an occasion. You were losing it, liked WICKED losing it, 1-2x a week and yelling once or twice a day. Yes you had yell free days every now and then but more often than not you went to bed feeling guilty about how you lost it. So yeah, your yelling was that bad…because it was bad enough to rent space in your head.

My Solution(s):  Look at this blog post and this picture and remember that IS WHAT your kids looked like on occasion. Remind yourself that you don’t want to be your uncle. That you want to be a more loving parent. Remind yourself how GOOD you feel on moments when you don’t yell, how PROUD you feel, how much less guilty you feel, how much less crappy you feel about yourself. And when desperate ASK your kids these two questions: How do you feel when mommy yells? Which mommy do you like better, the yelling one or the Orange Rhino one?

My Excuse: I am too tired and don’t have the energy to be patient
My Rebuttal: You will always be tired. Even when the kids all sleep through the night, you will be up waiting at night for your kids to come home safely.  Being tired kind of comes with the territory of having 4 kids. It is not going away. So you can’t lean on that as an excuse.

My Solution(s): Go to bed by 10 at least 5 nights a week. Keep exercising, keep trying to eat healthy. ACCEPT that tiredness comes with parenting and DON’T lean on that as a crutch to excuse behavior you don’t like!

My Excuse: I am too stressed and besides when the kids are older, they will be easier
My Rebuttals: You will always be stressed and not just because that is part of your personality! Every phase of having a child brings new challenges, new stresses. You can’t remove all the stress in your life, you can just try to improve how you respond to it!

My Solution(s):  Make a list of my stresses and work on improving those I can and accepting those that I can’t.

Here’s the bottom line. I can make excuses like the best of them. That’s the easy part. The hard part is admitting that they are actually EXCUSES and not truths and that they are truly holding me back from something I really want. The even harder part for me? Letting go of the excuses, the security, and trying to move forward despite fears of failure, discomfort and challenge. But doing so brought me back to the easiest part: feeling good about the mom I am becoming.

221 days with yelling, 144 days of loving more to go!

Dear PEOPLE magazine.com,

Oh how I love you! You are such a fabulous source of gossip and such a fabulous distraction from the craziness that is my life. And last week you were a fabulous inspiration for a blog post. Added bonus. Thank you!

The Orange Rhino

*

I read an article last week http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20629293,00.html about celebrity trainers and weight loss. I was curious, what IS the secret to looking so gosh darn good? I mean really, who doesn’t want to know? (Personal chefs and daily personal trainers ASIDE!) I sure as heck do! As I read the article I nodded along, yeah, blah blah blah, nothing new, blah blah blah, as if, blah blah blah, WAIT that is an interesting point. Roughly speaking the point, as I interpreted it was:

My clients are motivated to lose weight. That’s not the problem. The problem is that they can’t lose weight because they have an Excuse. They know what to do, they know what they want to do, yet they can’t bridge the two. Something is stopping them. The KEY to losing weight for those clients is understanding why they can’t build the bridge and helping them to build the bridge.

Building a bridge is necessary…but not only does it take a lot of time and patience, but it is also scary!

Wow. SO TRUE.

And it made me think.

Why did I not stop yelling earlier?

Why couldn’t I build the bridge I needed too to change my behavior?

I knew I wanted to. I knew what to do. And yet I kept on yelling.

I knew it was “as simple as” choosing not to do it. Choosing to work at it. Choosing to make it a priority. And yet for probably three years as my children became more difficult and I added more children to the house and therefore more stress, I kept on yelling.

I NEVER thought I would be a yeller. NEVER. I had witnessed my uncle yell and ridicule his son and it made my stomach curl. I witnessed my cousins cower under his voice, I witnessed them stop respecting him, stop loving him and it made my heart ache. I would never yell like he did I vowed to myself at the age of 13 ish.

As I grew up I witnessed parents yelling at their kids at the park, the grocery store, everywhere. I witnessed the kids crying and not responding.

I would NEVER be that parent I vowed to myself at the age of 20 ish.

I grew up more and witnessed friends have kids and doing an amazing job, handling tough situations with patience and love and I vowed to myself at the age of 30 ish that I WOULD be that parent.

And yet here I was. In my early 30’s.

Not being the parent I wanted, but being the parent I vowed I would never be.

So I sit here, after reading that People magazine article and I wonder…what was my excuse? Why couldn’t I build the bridge from wanting to not yell to actually not yelling? Why did I allow myself to become the parent I NEVER ever ever wanted to be?

Or better stated, what were my EXCUSES? Because it wasn’t one. It was many.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT… I can’t stop yelling because I don’t know how else to parent, I don’t know how to get them to listen to me, I don’t know how to get them to stop their behavior without screaming.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT… I can’t stop yelling because I am too embarrassed of the type of parent that I have become to tell anyone, I am too embarrassed to ask for help, to find support.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because in my mind I keep telling myself, it’s okay, I will just magically get it together one of these days, I will just magically find the patience I seek, that I dream of and besides it isn’t THAT bad, I don’t yell THAT much.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because I am too tired right now and I don’t have the energy or the patience to even try.

I love my kids and don’t want to yell at them BUT … I can’t stop yelling because having young kids is stressful and they get to me and besides, this is just a phase, they will grow up and it will be easier, THEN I won’t yell.

What a bunch of excellent excuses I had…still have. Because there are days when I don’t feel like holding it together, when I just feel like SCREAMING and these excuses sneak back into my mind almost encouraging me to scream, giving me permission to scream. That is the thing about excuses – really “good” ones are really easy to be persuaded by.  Especially the “it’s not so bad” one.

So I sit here and read this list of really “good excuses” and wonder…how did I build the bridge from yelling to not yelling 219 days ago? How did I start building the bridge especially since I have a HUGE fear of bridges, a huge fear of failing, I mean falling? And how do I keep that bridge in tact so that I don’t slip into bad habits?

Read my “solutions” HERE: Excuses Begone! In the meanwhile, do any of these excuses look familiar? What are your excuses?

214 days without yelling, 152 days of loving more to go!

Dear Katie,

Can you please explain to me in simple terms how it is that you are not a yeller? I know people like you really do exist and I am so curious to know what you secret is? Do you have magical powers that keep your voice from raising? Have you practiced lots and lots? Are your kids perfect? Please DO TELL!

xoxo,
The Orange Rhino

*

I’m not really a yeller.

I’ve never really been a yeller.

Every once in a while I yell, but not often. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly have a temper, and I do let things get to me, but for some reason I am not a yeller. (Please note, I do also take antidepressants and have anxiety medication to use when necessary, so those two things do give me a bit of an advantage in the keeping cool department.)

As far as I remember, my parents never yelled at us (until junior high at least); and it’s not like we didn’t ask for it. I’m told I was just like my eldest son is now – a limit tester, a patience trier, an independent nobody-tells-me-what-to-do-er, a talker-backer, but a sweet kid. So I know karma has it’s hand in my experience as a parent, and I am getting my dose of fresh child. Did I mention he just turned 3? I also have a 6 month old who wants attention ALL THE TIME. Dividing my self between two kids who want undivided attention all the time, and a family owned in-home business is stressful.

My nerves get frayed.

You know when it feels like every nerve in your body has been rubbed to the point of agitation and you are just itching to get out of your skin? That type of feeling.

I feel it when my 3 year old is asking me for the 30^th time “Whats that? What does it do?”, or telling me he can’t eat the third meal I’ve made for him (to order), or he’s screaming at the top of his lungs because my 6 month old won’t stop crying.

I feel it when my 6 month old is screeching, arching his back and kicking because he’s so over tired that he doesn’t want to be held – but he wants to go to sleep – (we just sleep trained to fix this situation).

I feel it when I’ve finally gotten him to go down and am ever-so-gently putting him down in his crib and the cat walks into the nursery and meows – waking him back up. I feel it when I’ve finally gotten him to latch and start breastfeeding, and someone or something in the house makes a loud noise, startling or distracting him enough to pull off and make me have to start the whole process over again.

Needless to say, I do have the stress, and thus the desire to yell.

But I don’t.

Instead I breathe.

Deeply.

I learned how to meditate back in high school, my gym teacher/lacrosse coach taught us. It’s something I’ve taken with me through life and keep coming back to. I’ve had anxiety my whole life and this tool is really helpful. Putting it into practice when I started doing yoga was a challenge, but I do think that practice helps me stay cool as a parent. Yoga teaches you to stay in the moment, to focus on your breath through each movement and pose. To continue focusing on your breath and continuing to breathe even when you are in a really difficult spot and your muscles are shaking, you’re sweating, and you just want to quit.

Afterall, the pose will be over soon.

So when I’m at my wits end, and everyone (both kids) are in my face, I call on what I’ve learned in meditation and yoga;

continue to breathe deeply, focus on that breath (block out the cries/yelling), internalize your attention, and it will be over soon.

I’m not as avid a yogi as I used to be (thanks to the kids), but I do have a few videos I use at home that are great: Sara Ivenhoe’s Yoga on the Edge (http://www.yoganation.com/) a three part series that has sunrise, noon and sunset workout and Tot Yoga (http://totyoga.com/) one my 3 year old and I do. He likes watching the kids on the TV and he copies the poses. Even if he doesn’t last more than 10 minutes, it provides a nice quiet background and a chance to breathe.

The other thing that helps me, my mother taught me back in high school when I was battling with depression and everything seemed to piss me off. She told me you have to choose your battles.

My husband and I have recently realized that we fighting too many battles with our 3 year old. It would be nice if he picked up all of his toys all the time, ate everything we put in front of him, and did whatever we said, but what kind of adult would he grow up to be? He needs to fight his battles, push for separation from his parents, and develop into his own person. In order for us to allow him to do that, we need to let him rebel, and back down sometimes; and other times, when it REALLY matters, we need to stand our ground. We are starting to determine what is a negotiable and what is a non-negotiable (i.e. you do have to sit with us at mealtime, but we’re not going to force you to eat everything on your plate).

We are calling it “Hakuna Matata”- you know, “No worries”? The Lion King is his favorite movie right now so we hear the song a lot. Translated to our current situation; don’t worry about everything (is he cleaning up, eating healthy all the time, doing what we tell him all the time, etc…) The more we push, the more he pushes back; and the fights aren’t worth it all the time. So we choose our battles. It makes mealtime a HELL of a lot more relaxing, and thus eliminates a situation in which both of us are tempted to yell.

If all else fails, I am watching both kids, everyone is pissy and misbehaving, it’s a full moon and I’m about to crack – we take a walk. I strap both kids into the stroller and I walk. I breathe while I walk – in and out with each stride. Enjoy the fresh air and the warm sun and work the tension out of my muscles.

And I enjoy the peace and quiet, in between every “Mummy, what’s that? What does that do?”

207 days without yelling, 158 days of loving more to go!

Dear Orange Rhinos,

I am at my breaking point! My baby is teething and hasn’t stopped fussing since 630. My 3 year old hasn’t stopped whining since the same time. My insomniac 4 year old has been up since 4 am and is bouncing between the walls when excited and the floor when exhausted.  And my 6 year old is so anxious about Kindergarten that he is going between bawling and asking the same questions over and over about Kindergarten. Everyone needs me and I am having a hard time keeping it together! Does anyone have any strength or patience to spare? If so, please send it to me!

Many thanks,
The Orange Rhino

*

Quite frankly, sometimes, four kids is too much to handle. And it gets to me. Like really gets to me. And I find myself ready to scream because I just can’t handle the intensity of four needy children at once. Especially when I have my own crap going on. Like not sleeping well either because I too am nervous, and sad, as in wicked nervous and wicked sad, that Kindergarten is starting. Like feeling anxious about some health issues going on in my family. Like feeling worried about some adult challenges and changes facing me right now.

Yeah, I kind of have a lot on my mind trying to keep it together amidst 4 crying/screaming/emotional kiddos wears on me. I just want to scream ENOUGH! Enough of the bad news. Enough of the change. Enough of the worrying. Enough of not feeling I am a good enough mom, a good enough person, a good enough friend. Enough of the CHAOS, mental and literal!!! I just need some peace and quiet.

This morning if I didn’t get some peace and quiet, I was gonna lose it. And I mean full on, full throttle, out right, bloody lose it. I was going to go absolutely bat shit at my four kids. And I didn’t want to go there because I knew it wouldn’t be just a yell. It would be a raging scream where my face turns bright red. It would be the release of all the crazy pent up emotion I am feeling and it would be the size of the angst I am feeling. Nope, I definitely did NOT want to unleash that on my kids.

How did I know it was going to be that big? I felt my heart racing. My palms were sweating and the cold water wasn’t cooling me down. I was snapping left and right at silly things. I just felt like I was going to burst. Truly.

So I did what I could do. I put the baby to nap a few minutes early and I sent the other three boys to the basement to play without supervision. I knew this was a risk. A gigantic one. I knew it meant tears would ensue and that every toy bin would be turned upside down and it would look like a war zone but I determined that was a better option than mommy losing it.

And then I went to my computer. And I wrote to you all. And I immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, felt the angst slowly release. Why is that? How does that work? Truly I think just going to my Orange Rhino Facebook Page reminded me of my commitment  to love my kids more, it reminded that I can do it. That I WANT to not yell. I pressed “Post” and perspective found me.

I needed to find love with my kids. I wasn’t angry at them or with them. I was just overwhelmed with emotion and I was keeping it inside, again. I was playing this little silly game of “let’s see how long I can pretend nothing is on my mind, let’s see how long I can be in denial of some big things on my mind, let’s see how long I can put on a show that I am all pulled together but really I am unraveling second by second before I explode.”

Yeah, totally stupid game. I NEVER WIN.

At that moment, all I needed was a hug. Just some reassurance that it will all be okay, that I will get through this overwhelming moment in my life. And I knew just the place to find it.

I headed downstairs to the warzone.

“What’s supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? And why do you need a hug? We’re busy!”

“Never mind super blah blah blah. Bad choice of words. I am cranky and need to snap out of it, how is that for an answer?”

“Oh, okay.”

I kick some legos to the left, some blocks to the right, some costumes towards the wall and some balls behind me to make room on the basement floor and plop a squat almost as ungracefully as I handled the morning.

#2 ran towards me and squeezed me hard. The tension started to fade. Then #3 snuggled into my lap and being the little Casanova that he is, he put his hand on my face and gave me a kiss on the lips. And last but not the least #1 ran over and jumped on me from behind, wrapping both his legs and his arms around me, squeezing my tension out and making sure it was gone by saying “We love you mommy.”

And I felt better. Not 100% but better. And then you all posted words of encouragement every few hours and I felt even better. And I made it through the day.

Thank you…

200 days of not yelling, 165 days of loving more to go!
(So this was written days ago but my computer wasn’t feeling the love until now….)

Dear Orange Rhinos,

200 days.

2.0.0. days. Wow. That’s a lot of days not yelling. A lot of moments not yelling. I should have started off the day ecstatic, jumping for joy. But to be honest, I started the day pretty bleh about the potential achievement.

Until I saw this.

“(name) Mom Love.” An Orange Rhino. For me. Just for me. I might not make it to 365 days but I will ALWAYS know that my almost 6 year old son believed in me. And that we shared this moment. And that makes this Challenge worth it.

And this.

My 4 years old’s own Orange Rhino sign (he traced the one I made for him to hold up when I got cranky). See below.

And finally, this.

My Orange breakfast to “make you smile mommy.” Carrots, gold fish and Vitamin Water I keep in case I want to yell.

Really? My boys did this all on their own without daddy’s help? I was flabbergasted. For everything I feel I am doing wrong as a mom, for one MOMENT, three really, I realized, holy sh*t, I am actually doing something right. In taking on this challenge, I am teaching my kids to support someone going after a goal, a dream. I am teaching my kids to be MORE LOVING.

Oh wait, there is more.

This conversation summed the morning up:

“Mommy, what’s wrong?”

“Well #1 I called the local radio statio today to tell them about 200 days and The Orange Rhino Challenge Day. You see, someone did that on Day 100 and it made me really happy so I thought today I would try to do the same.”

“Did you get on the radio?”

“Kind of. I talked to the DJ but didn’t get on the radio.”

“Oh, you didn’t win the contest?” (He thinks everyone who calls the radio is trying to win a contest.)

“No, I didn’t win.”

SILENCE. I can see the gears turning.

“But mommy, didn’t you already WIN because of The Orange Rhino gifts we gave you. Right?”

Oh. My. God. YES! Yes, yes, yes my sweet son! Why did it take my 6 year old to put things in perspective for me? Why did it take him to teach me to be grateful for what I do have instead of being sad for what I didn’t get? Because kids are pretty darn amazing, that’s why.

My son is totally right.

I already have won.

Because we had THAT Moment.  A moment that will be a memory of mine forever. That I will cherish forever. That I will tell my grandchildren some day when I am talking to them about their daddy.

And that moment happened all because I didn’t yell “GOSH DARNIT YOU KNOW YOU DON’T GO DOWNSTAIRS WITHOUT ME!!!” when I heard #1, #2, and #3 running downstairs early this morning before they had a chance to tell me “we’re doing something special for you.”

All because I didn’t yell “OH MY GOSH STOP!” when I heard things falling out of the fridge while I was changing a diaper because I knew in their heart of hearts they were just trying to do something nice.

All because I didn’t yell “WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING? CLEAN UP THAT MESS!” when I saw the entire cupboard of plates being emptied in search of just the orange plates because I knew it would crush their hearts.

All because I didn’t yell I received those beautiful gifts from my boys, I received that moment, that precious memory.

And that is what The Orange Rhino Challenge is about. It’s about LOVING MORE so I can have MORE LOVING MOMENTS.  Sure, when I look back at the end of my 365 days I am going to be proud that I went 365 days without yelling but what I am going to remember and truly cherish are moments like today. Moments where I let my relationships with my sons became that much more special because I didn’t yell.  

So if you are taking the challenge and feeling defeated because you can’t go a day or longer or meet a goal you have set for yourself, think about at least ONE loving moment you have had because you didn’t yell. Cherish that one moment, that memory that you will have forever. I KNOW you all have at least one moment where you Loved More and Yelled Less. Be grateful for that moment because no one can take it away. And be excited for the future when you will have MORE of those Loving Moments because they will come.  They will come. They will come.

I have had a lot more Loving Moments these last 200 days and for that I am grateful. In fact, because my life has been filled with more love and less anger, I am finding myself not only a happier person but also one who wants to give more to others .

So in honor of The 2^nd Orange Rhino Challenge Day, despite my pledge to donate only if 200 people participated, I am STILL going to donate $200.00 to Habitat for Humanity. I want to create a happy moment for someone else, just as my son did for me this morning and just as you all do for me whenever you read something I write and indirectly support me in my promise to my kids. This Challenge has given me so much – you all have given me so much – it is only right to give back somehow.

Thanks for reading,
The Orange Rhino

195 days without yelling, 170 days of loving more to go!

The following happened to me last week. It was a beautifully heartbreaking moment that I will never forget because of the truth it spoke. 

Every morning that the weather cooperates, I strap one child on my back, buckle two in the stroller, and then hold the hand of the 4^th and walk to town for my morning caffeine. We go to the same place, the place where everyone knows our names. Knows our order. Knows that I need help holding the door open so that I can maneuver myself and the stroller in. Knows that by the time I arrive my kids are ready for a morning snack and are cranky and sometimes crying after 25 minutes of being captive to my morning walk, the walk I need to feel good about myself, the walk I need to feel refreshed, alive. The walk I need to make it through the day. The walk I need in order to feel pulled together even if I am feeling anything but.

Well today, today the boys had to wait for their snack. The people who knew us didn’t open the door. And I didn’t get my normal order.

Because there was a stranger in need. A stranger feeling anything but refreshed and pulled together. And we all helped her.

As I approached the bagel store, my four boys in tow, I saw a most beautifully striking woman standing in front. She wore the most gorgeous black suit – gorgeous in style, gorgeous in how it fit her. Her hair was pulled back flawlessly and as I later learned her make up too had once been perfect. But yet this beautiful soul felt anything but beautiful at that moment.

She stood in front of the door, her petite well manicured hands covering her face, clearly trying not to hide tears, clearly trying to stop the tears, stop the pain from being real.

My caffeine would wait. My kids could wait. And somehow, they knew they needed to wait. And not just wait, but patiently and quietly wait. This beautiful yet sad woman tugged at my heart – because how often do we all feel that?

So pulled together yet so unraveled at the same time?

I had to help her because in a way, she was me. I have been there. I have been the one wanting to cry, to bawl, but having to keep it together instead. I have been the one crying in public, wanting help, and having no one reach out. I have felt sad and alone and I would not let this woman feel that this morning. Because I have been there.  And it hurts, really, really hurts.

“Hi. Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” Tears started falling down her face, her perfect mascara now running.

“What can I do? Can I get you a seat? A tissue?”

The boys sat quietly. Listening. Watching.

“No. I just need a friend.”

I just need a friend.

I just need a friend.

Who doesn’t?

Oh these words how they broke my heart. I wanted to hug her and tell her that she is not alone, that it will be alright, that she can call me whenever. I wanted to sit down and let her talk for as long as she needed. I wanted to be there for her because gosh, how often as a mom, as a person, do I feel that?

That I just need a friend.

I don’t need judgement, or advice, or anything else, I just need a friend. A friend to let me cry, a friend to listen, a friend who when my tears are done, will tell me it will be okay and I know that it will be because just having talked will have made me feel better.

I wanted to be that friend for her at that moment but knew my clock with my kids was ticking. I knew the minute she opened up that my boys would get antsy and she would be cut off. And I did NOT want that for this person.

So I did my best.

“Oh my. I am so sorry you are having a rough morning. Did you have coffee? Let me buy you a coffee?”

“Oh, I tried to get coffee but I couldn’t even go in.”

“WE will get it for you. What do you want?”

“A latte.”

My boys and I went into the store and ordered our new friend a latte and a croissant because #1 thought it would make her smile. And he wanted her to smile. Because she was very sad he said.

We came out to find our new friend hugging an old friend. I was so relieved that she had found what she needed at that moment. She graciously accepted her coffee and croissant and we graciously denied her attempts to pay us back. We wished her well and walked on our way, my boys asking if she would be alright? Why was she sad? Did she need a hug? Did she need her mommy?

A few steps later we were over the train platform and looking down.

There stood our new friend, wiping away her tears. The boys called to her.

She looked up.

“Blow her a kiss boys, she needs to feel loved.” I said.

And they did. Three kisses were sent her way. And she caught them. And blew a kiss and a smile back.

The next morning the weather cooperated and we walked to town again, as usual. The entire walk the boys asked about “the lady” wondering if we would see her, if she would still be sad.

We did see her. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect, almost as if it was meant to be, as we were running late and yet we literally met her at the door as she was walking in. She smiled a shy smile, almost an embarrassed smile. The boys said hi and asked if she was feeling better.  She said yes and then quietly ordered her latte.

Then she said the following to the man behind the counter:

“I’m so sorry for yesterday. There is just a lot of stress in my life. I was just having a rough morning.”

Today I didn’t want to tell her it would be okay. I wanted to tell her,

DO NOT apologize for crying. Do not apologize for not being all buttoned up for a few moments. It is OKAY to let go and let the stress out. It’s OKAY.

Hmmm…perhaps I should heed my own advice?

191 days of not yelling, 174 days of loving more to go

Dear Grouchy Old Man,

The other night I wrote about how frustrating it was to have you yell at my son and me (read here). I woke up the next morning, bitterness gone, to realize you gave me a gift. The gift of realizing just how much I have changed. 15 months ago when the same thing happened, I cried, I yelled, I made a spectacle of myself (see It Takes Courage not to Yell, Part 2). I didn’t communicate anything worthwhile to the offender and furthermore I didn’t take a bad opportunity and make it a learning opportunity for my kids.

But this go around, I did all of the above. I told the man that kids yell sometimes, that he was doing his best, that I was as well. I told my sons that sometimes people say not nice things and it is important to be the bigger person and respond with as much kindness as possible. I didn’t cry in front of the man but remained as strong as I could.

I told people “I didn’t care, it didn’t matter. I was used to being criticized for my son’s behavior.”

The truth? It did matter. I did care. And it wasn’t that I was used to it was that I have GROWN UP a bit. I have become STRONGER. I have learned how to CONTROL my impulses.

I truly believe this is a direct result of The Orange Rhino Challenge. The Challenge has forced me to look at myself, my behaviors, my responses. It has forced me to accept that I can’t change others but that I can change myself.

And for all of this I am grateful.

Which I guess makes me grateful for our little run in old man.

Who would have thunk it?

Best of Luck to you as you learn Tolerance and Empathy,
The Orange Rhino

(if you are newish to this page, welcome, and have a read here to get a background on #3)

Dear Grouchy Old Man,

Thanks so very much for coming out of your office and chiding me for my son’s behavior. I really needed it at. That. Precise. Moment. Because you know, with four kids in tow, one who is pitching one hell of a fit, I didn’t have enough on my mind. Nope, I wasn’t already sweating bullets as I tried to calm my son, as I tried to rationalize with him, as I tried to tell him it would be okay all while keeping three other kids quiet. Nope, I didn’t have anything on my mind at the moment when you said “What in the hell is going on here?” Because at the moment you know, I was just enjoying the moment, eating bon bons and loving the screaming fit that I know wouldn’t end for minutes. Loving the stress of knowing that someone, like you, would probably pop your head out into the hall and judge me. Loving the embarrassment that my son screams, and screams, and screams AND I CAN’T STOP IT.  Nope, I didn’t have anything on my mind and I really needed someone like you to put me in my place and make me think “what in the hell IS going on here.”

So thank you. Now do what I said. Go back in your office and close the door. That’s what doors are for. So you don’t hear noise.

Yours truly,
The Orange Rhino

*

Nope, not bitter at all. Not sad either. Or ashamed. Or frustrated. Or lost. Nope none of it.  I just LOVE having a child that screams.

Well, I mean, I do. I love #3, screams and all. I can’t imagine my world without him. I wouldn’t trade his sweet smile and cuddles for a child who doesn’t scream. I wouldn’t trade his jokes and facial expressions for a child that doesn’t scream. I wouldn’t trade his curly hair and sweet evolving voice for a child that doesn’t scream.  I would however trade the nasty comments and looks from people for some smiles of support, some facial expressions of empathy, some sweet gestures like “hey, it’s okay. We’ve all been there.” But no, I don’t get any of that. I just get judged and chided. And I am tired of it. Really, really, tired of it. Enough already.

Do people think that I am not trying? Because I am.

Do people think that I really want my son to keep screaming on and on and on so that people can continue to glare and talk about both of us? Because I don’t.

Do people really think that if they insult me it will inspire me to try even harder? That it will make my son stop screaming? Because it won’t.

Do people think that I need advice as to how to handle the situation…as if I haven’t read every article out there on the matter? Because I have.

My son, my wonderful, beautiful, loving, charming son screams.

He is a screamer.

He screams when he can’t communicate. He screams when he can’t get his way. He screams when he doesn’t know what else to do. Because that is what he did for an entire year plus when he couldn’t talk at all. My sweet son learned to scream and it is now a nasty, nasty habit that we, me, my husband, his speech therapist and his occupational therapist are trying to break.

And we aren’t succeeding. Yet. So I have a screamer on my hands.

And NO he is not a screamer because I encouraged it. He is not a screamer because I allowed it. He is not a screamer because I wanted it. He is a screamer because that is what he could do in the absence of words. He is a screamer because his mouth hurt for almost a year straight and he couldn’t tell me.

Trust me old man, I am just as frustrated and annoyed as you were yesterday.

Trust me old man, I SO desperately want the screaming to stop. For so many obvious reasons.

And trust me old man, every time my son screams I cry inside.

I cry because I can’t stop it. I cry because I know a**holes like you judge me, but more so, judge him. That a*sholes like you assume something is wrong with him, wrong with me. I cry because I truly believe my son doesn’t want to be screaming. He doesn’t want to be feeling frustrated, sad, angry, whatever it is he is feeling that makes him scream the way he does.

And oh that scream. His lips pout, his eyes turn down, and he looks like he is about to burst into tears and cry. But he doesn’t. He screams instead.  Oh how I wish he would just cry. Then we could cry together.

Would that be better for you old man? To see my son cry because something is so wrong? Would that be more convenient to you and your conference call? No, not really? Well maybe it would make you stop judging.

Maybe if my son cried instead of screaming you would see that he is struggling. That he is really struggling.

Then maybe your heart would have talked before your mouth.

Then maybe I would have tried harder (or at least cried less later).

181 days without yelling, 184 days of loving more to go!

Dear #3,

Last Tuesday, July 31^st, 2012 at oh say, 7:23 in the morning you declared you wanted to be potty trained.  We, as in you, me, and your brothers, had JUST sat down and gotten settled at our favorite breakfast restaurant in our favorite vacation town. I had JUST taken a deep breath to enjoy the smell of the ocean. I had JUST relaxed and told myself, I can do this. I can handle 4 kids at a restaurant by myself on 5 hours of sleep.  Then you got up from your chair, as if to challenge my confidence, looked me straight in the eye and without wavering, stated:

“I have to pee.”

“You can go in your diaper, it’s okay.”
(Wrong answer, I know, but everyone was coloring happily, the baby wasn’t screaming, I didn’t want to upset the calm and I really had no desire to start potty training at.that.moment.)

“No, I don’t want to. I go pee pee in potty.”

“Really, right now?!”
(Right now while we are away from home for 3 days and I have no training underwear or anything? Right now while we’ll be spending 3 days at the beach where it is a hike to the potty? Right now, when mommy is overwhelmed and stressed to the max? Right now, as in right now, right NOW?!! Really?!!!)

“Yes. No pee in diaper.”  You said politely and then you screamed not so politely,

“I PEE IN POTTY NOW!”

I simply had no choice. I corralled everyone and we trekked into the very SMALL bathroom. #1, #2 and I cheered you on. But you didn’t need it. You walked right up to the toilet with the biggest air of confidence I have ever seen you display and did your thing, as if you had been doing it your entire life.

Then you turned and looked at me with the biggest, proudest smile I have ever seen. Up until this point, you have been a pretty shy and nervous child. Not that morning my son. Not that morning. It was just pee in the potty but it was so much more than that, to you and to me. It was a turning point. A point where you realized you CAN do things. You CAN communicate. You CAN do things by yourself.

Since that moment I’ve been “teaching you” how to use the potty. You have absolutely no problem peeing in the potty. GREAT!  But oh my sweet son, pooping in the potty, well let’s just say you prefer pooping in your underwear. Like my, you were of the theory to go straight from diaper to underwear which is great, but the constant accidents in the underwear? Not so great. In fact, the accidents are starting to drive me nuts. And it’s only been seven days! You’re using all your willpower to get your pee in the potty and I am using all my willpower to not scream when you poop in your underwear. Somewhere between wiping your bottom (again) and washing dirty underwear (again), I realized something.

Sure, potty training is about teaching you. Teaching you the obvious: to go to the bathroom in the potty, not in your underwear, not on the floor, not in the car seat, not on the rug, not in the tub, not in the pool . Sure it is about teaching you self control, confidence, independence. But really, it’s about TEACHING ME.

Potty Training TEACHES ME.

Potty Training teaches me PATIENCE, LOVE, FORGIVENESS, and UNDERSTANDING as I clean the seventh pair of soiled brown underwear. Of the day. You are not even three. You are just learning. You didn’t have an accident on purpose. I love you no matter what “mistakes” you make during this process, and in life.

Potty Training teaches me PHYSICAL ENDURANCE as I grab you and run with you in my arms across the beach, up the dunes, to make it to the bathroom before you have an accident.

Potty Training teaches me MENTAL ENDURANCE as I force myself to remember to ask you every 5 then 10 then 15 minutes if you need to go, as I force myself to keep asking even after four days of success since accidents do happen…for years to come.

Potty Training teaches me CREATIVITY as I have to come up with new ways to make peeing fun, like putting red food coloring in the toilet and telling you, my little fireman to “quick, use your hose to put the fire out” or saying “hey did you know #2’s love to go swimming in the toilet pool? Let your #2 go splish spash!”

Potty Training teaches me IMPULSE CONTROL as I try, try, TRY my hardest not to yell when you have an accident. Again. And Again. And again. When you look at me and say “I pooping” and you are nowhere near the potty. When you look at me and smile and say “I pooped in underwear!”

Potty Training teaches me CLEANING SKILLS as I learn how to quickly stop the pee from going into every single grout line in the floor and how to get the pee off the seat, under the seat, around the seat….

Potty Training teaches me DECISION MAKING as I have to stop and debate, is this underwear soiled badly enough from a #2 that I should just toss it or is it cleanable? I read in a parenting magazine once that an experienced mom finally realized that sometimes it is easier and saner to just toss the underwear. Have to admit, 9/10 times, she is right.

Potty Training teaches me MULTI-TASKING as I figure out how to cheer you on while you’re on the potty all while keeping your baby brother not only out of the toilet but also away from the stairs and out of the line of fire from your two older brothers.

Potty Training teaches me PRIORITIZATION as I have to drop everything I am doing this week to focus on the task at hand – helping you feel good about yourself and your successes and not to feel down about the accidents. Suddenly, it is clear to me what matters. The to-do list can wait. Your pee pee cannot wait. Literally and figuratively.

Potty Training teaches me to SEIZE the MOMENT, even if inconvenient. Right now, the last thing I want to do is potty train. I’ve got other mountains to climb. But guess what? You want to train now. And as I have learned with your older brothers, when a child wants to potty train, you go with it. So while inconvenient now, it is better in the long run. It is way easier.

But at the end of the day, perhaps the #1 thing Potty Training teaches me is how to RELAX, something I am NOT good at, at all! That despite my desire, yelling at you to go, pushing you to go, shaming you to go, won’t do any good. That if I relax, you’ll relax. And if you relax, you’ll go! All I have to do is chill out and go with the flow. (No pun intended.)

I love you and am so proud of you. We’re making progress, one moment at a time.

xoxo,
Mommy Orange Rhino

162 days of not yelling, 203 days of loving more to go!

Dear Toyota CRV-

Do you see that red sign with 8 sides and the letters S.T.O.P? It’s called a stop sign. You are supposed to, get this, STOP at it. That means to put your breaks on, come to a complete stop where your car doesn’t move. Then you look to see if there is enough space for you to go. If there is, and only if there is, THEN can you make the left turn onto the road that I was driving on. Of course, you didn’t stop. And of course there wasn’t enough room and so I had no choice but to honk and then hit you head on. With two kids in the back seat. Lucky for ALL of us, we weren’t hurt. Lucky for all of us, there were no other cars behind either one of us at that moment. Lucky for all of us, it could have been a lot worse. 10 seconds later, it would have been a different story. But I am still mad at you for not stopping. You scared the crap out of me and my sons who tell me they are “still shaking mommy.” And P.S. I have a lot to do this week as is. Tracking down the police report which proves you are at fault, then getting an estimate, a rental car that holds 4 car seats and then getting the car fixed is the last thing I needed. Harumph. Like I said, next time you see a STOP sign do what it says. STOP.

Sincerely,
The Toyota Minivan driven by the rather annoyed Orange Rhino

*

Ahhh, I feel much better getting that off of my chest. UGH though, what a gigantic pain in the arse! All that aside, I have been working on being more grateful and focusing on the positive. I’ve read in lots of places that being grateful helps with daily happiness. Not that I am not happy. I am. But sometimes the stress of the daily grind gets to me and I um, you know, have the urge to yell.

So tonight, I am going to practice gratitude and while I am at it, share some pretty funny moments from yesterday. Kids can say the darnedest things at the best moments!

Tonight I am grateful for:

1) My kids and I being safe. Really could have been A LOT worse.

2) #2 saying the following to me in front of the other driver: “Mommy, was she a crazy bad driver, is that why she hit us?” Love that it was immediately her fault (which it was) and that he accused her of being a bad driver (which she was).

3) #1 asking the police officer if the other driver was okay. This melted my heart.

4) The police officer, while looking in my car and seeing 4 carseats, immediately asking, “Where are the other 2 kids, and the baby? Are they okay?” When I said they were home with a babysitter he said “Wow, you really are lucky.” And then “WOW. 4 kids. 4 carseats. WOW. That is crazy.” Thank you officer for pointing out the obvious. How about you apply your knowledge to the accident at hand?

5) #1 and #2 being so gosh darn well behaved as we sat at the side of the road in 100 degree weather for 30 minutes with no water. They found sticks and stones and dirt and worms and were as happy as can be. Thank you boys!

6) #2 giving me a hug and gently wiping away my tears when I started bawling. “Mommy, why the tears on your face?” “Oh sweetie, because mommy is so overwhelmed this week with so much on her mind and I don’t want to deal with this too and well, mommy was scared. But we’re okay now.” “Oh, okay, I love you.”

7) #1 saying the following as we get in the car to go home: “You know mom, if daddy had been driving and this happened he would have said…Dammit! That shitty driver! You didn’t swear or yell mommy. WAY TO GO!” Still laughing at this one. Mostly because 160+ days ago I would have screamed something A LOT worse.

Ah, yesterday afternoon stunk. But I really am grateful for how it turned out. The car has some bumps and bruises but my boys made me smile and laugh. And to be honest, I am proud that I didn’t snap or yell at them as we sat in the dirt, them playing, me quietly crying. I held it together under stress – both at the moment of impact and the moments after. I’ve come along way these last 160 ish days. A long way. It’s been one heck of a drive but totally worth it. And I ain’t stopping now!